Am I Sheltering My 11 Year old.. or..

[kolamum]

The more you write the more triggered I get. It really sounds so familiar. If your niece follows the path I trod, then she'll grow up to talk to you, but won't have anything to do with either of those women once she flees.

 

That is my hope, at the least that she knows I'm here.

[Meriwether]

Some children that I love and have helped care for were/are in a similar situation. I believe their parent to be mentally ill. It has been quite difficult, not least because the parent is not specifically abusive and does, in fact, love the children even though there is significant neglect. None of the neglect in this family's life is at the criminal level, though, so the family just limps along. The saving grace for this family is the fact that the kids are in a traditional school setting. I believe wholeheartedly in homeschooling, but for children in an unhappy home a traditional school setting can give them at least a portion of what is missing.

 

One concern that I have for the child in your post is for physical abuse. That level of work and obedience and compliance doesn't come easily, and if the mother is verbally nasty right in front of others, then it wouldn't surprise me if there is more happening behind closed doors. That is NOT an assumption that I would make, but rather a significant concern. Keep an eye on the family, and if you get a sense that there is actual abuse or neglect (beatings, deprivation of food or shelter, etc.) then don't second-guess yourself, but go ahead and report it.

 

My 9 year old is very, very helpful. She is generally compliant and responsible. She helps with the younger kids. She will stop what she is doing, cheerfully for the the most part, to do something when I ask. She doesn't have a list of chores to do, but helps with whatever I need her to do. During the move, she worked hard any number of days with a really great attitude. Some kids just have that personality.

[Murphy101]

I don't have a daughter, & I did not ask people to just agree with me. :glare:

 

My error about your 11 year old. And it sure seemed like a JAWM situation when those who think it might not be abuse are not exactly welcomed to the discussion.

 

I think when a fellow 11 year old starts to notice something is amiss, there's something wrong with the picture.

 

Oh that's just nonsense. An 11 year old is not experienced with how very different everyone can be to have a grasp of whether something is amiss or wrong. To most 11 year olds, different from them is enough to be odd, amiss, and possibly wrong. I would never presume that just because an 11 year old boy doesn't want to live how some other 11 year old girl lives that the 11 year old girl is being abused. I'm rather disturbed anyone would:001_huh:

 

The child is not unschooled. Pretty sure more unschoolers don't use textbooks.

 

Sigh. That's an ignorant statement. Plenty of unschoolers use textbooks in various ways.

 

There is a lot untold here. I could easily become carried away by my anger of this situation. I live 6 continents away on a normal basis, my offering the child a place of refuge would be considered kidnapping. I have, however, always been a shoulder for said child to lean on, as has my husband.

 

Bottom line is I don't know what is untold, only what is told here. Most of which sounds like it comes from a brief weekend visit (maybe a week? Idk) or is heresay from 6 continents away. (Is it even possible to be 6 continents away from anyone?! I don't think so.... )

 

Based on only what you have told, it isn't abuse. Lazy parent very possibly. But that isn't abuse.

 

ETA: Grandma is not benefitting. Not unless you call mental abuse towards an aging parent beneficial too. Grandparent hasn't told said parent to get the he.. out of dodge because said parent then threatens to take grandchild & run, never permitting Grandparent to see said grandchild again. I think it's a load of old tosh because there's no way in he.. that said parent would ever PAY for anything, but grandparent isn't willing to risk throwing the grandchild under the bus, so's to put it. Incase you hadn't noticed, I've only shared a minute amount of the situation, I was attempting not to unleash the entire load of dirty laundry. :glare:

 

Grandma doesn't eat the food the girl makes? Grandma doesn't help the girl with her chores? Grandma doesn't run some of the house errands, whatever those are, for her? Then yes, grandma is benefiting. There are a multitude of ways she can help her granddaughter without a word to her daughter. And if daughter is being abusive/threatening to grandmother, then someone needs to call adult protective services.

 

Right. It's the parental dynamic that is concerning, not the lifestyle description.

 

Again, I agree with that.

 

But parental dynamics is not abusive. It sucks, sure I agree with that. But not abusive. That's been my only issue with this thread. I see nothing wrong with the lifestyle. I would personally want a closer relationship with my child, so that's certainly sad to see, but that's not a lifestyle issue. That's a parental style/choice/dynamic. Not one I want to adopt, but that doesn't make it abusive.

 

The OP asked if a list of things were acceptable/okay or if her kid was just sheltered from knowing people who live like that.

 

My response, obviously based only on what she told bc that's all I am able to judge, is that, yes, it is acceptable/okay and if her dc has never known anyone else who has lived that way, then, yes, her dc is sheltered bc it's not particularly unusual.

 

The OP says it is a not a JAWM post, but everyone who has basicly said the same thing as me has been rather shot down for it. Which is why I asked if she intended this to be a JAWM thread.

[Murphy101]

My 9 year old is very, very helpful. She is generally compliant and responsible. She helps with the younger kids. She will stop what she is doing, cheerfully for the the most part, to do something when I ask. She doesn't have a list of chores to do, but helps with whatever I need her to do. During the move, she worked hard any number of days with a really great attitude. Some kids just have that personality.

 

:iagree: I have a few like that. Dh has always been like that. Some people just seem born more inclined to doing things for others. I aspire to be more like them!:)

 

I have made maybe 3 pots of coffee in the last 2 years. Because when I was pregnant with my 9th, my 2nd born decided on his own to surprise me by making me coffee before I got out of bed and bringing it to me. It would have never occurred to me to ask for that, but he just does stuff like that. And when he started classes in the morning this year, he had 2 siblings fighting over who he should teach to do it. LOL And if he hears someone say they forgot something, he would totally roll his eyes in good nature at their forgetfulness and go get it without being asked. Several of my kids are like that. They are not abused or otherwise cruelly made to cater to anyone. They just take after their dad. Thank goodness bc I tend to be oblivious more often than I'd like.

[Annie G]

The difficult thing is knowing where the line should be drawn. Margaret in Co's kids benefitted very much from their chores and responsibilities. Most probably feel the Duggar parents were wonderful for raising their kids the way they have- lots of responsibilities for those older girls, for sure. ( I don't agree with their methods but that's not relevant)

 

The situation described by the OP isn't the way I'd raise kids, but who knows if it's working for that girl. Some kids would be beaten down and have low self esteem from such an upbringing, but others would rise and meet the challenge and make the best of a tough situation.

 

I wish we'd pushed our own kids to work harder, both physically and academically. But at the time, we just didn't really know where that line was and each of our kids responded differently to our expectations.

[Harriet Vane]

My 9 year old is very, very helpful. She is generally compliant and responsible. She helps with the younger kids. She will stop what she is doing, cheerfully for the the most part, to do something when I ask. She doesn't have a list of chores to do, but helps with whatever I need her to do. During the move, she worked hard any number of days with a really great attitude. Some kids just have that personality.

 

Yes, some kids have a more compliant personality. My dd is one of them. (Ds, not so much, lol.) That is why I said not to make the assumption of physical abuse, but to definitely pay attention. There are plenty of red flags with this family, and physical abuse IS definitely a possibility.

[Meriwether]

Yes, some kids have a more compliant personality. My dd is one of them. (Ds, not so much, lol.) That is why I said not to make the assumption of physical abuse, but to definitely pay attention. There are plenty of red flags with this family, and physical abuse IS definitely a possibility.

 

I didn't mean for my post to be argumentative. I know you've seen many more situations than I have - I have never known a family where I suspected a parent of being abusive. If I were to speculate, though, I could just as easily picture a situation where the mom kept offloading her responsibilities because the daughter didn't push back. I'm not saying the mom would be right to do so, but that they may have fallen into a pattern rather than the mom beating the girl to make her comply.

[moki4]

Call cps!

Let them make the legal decision if it falls under child abuse laws or not. I believe if what you said is true, then it is abuse. It is called child NEGLECT!

Do the right thing and call

[kolamum]

Just Never mind. Cupcakes anyone?

Edited October 9, 2012 by kolamum