help! anyone experienced with tween girl drama?

[butterflymommy]

DD 10 is being bullied in school. She started CS school last year after 2 years HSing. Right away a girl in her class started picking on her, we went to the principal and teacher several times and a "restraining order" was put on the girl to stay away from DD. It helped a little.

 

This year it's now 3-4 girls either picking on her, or being "friends" briefly then "breaking up" repeatedly. The girls are constantly lying about things DD supposedly said, and then using those "statements" to give her a hard time ("I can't believe you said _____ about _____.")

 

Today she was so stressed about an incident with a girl that she failed a math test (she normally gets 100s) because she couldn't focus. The teacher offered to let her retake it. DD lost it and started sobbing in class and was sobbing when DH picked her up.

 

OK, so the plan was that if any of the girls encountered serious bullying problems that could not be remediated we would go back to HSing. So the question is... is this kind of thing normal for 10-12 year old girls (most of the girls in her class are older from having been held back once or twice-- they are also much bigger than her, she comes up to their shoulders)? The reason I ask is because the problems seem to ebb and flow. Some days DD comes home happy. If there's a chance this could just resolve on its own I would like her to stick it out. But she was hysterical by the time she got home and didn't calm down for nearly 2 hours. She is saying she wants to HS again.

 

Or, given that she is so different from the kids in her class, younger, very serious about her studies, well behaved (her class is raucous), do I try a different school... or is the fact that she's so studious always going to make her a target. :confused:

 

We're getting a steep sibling discount so to put her in a different CS would be a lot of money (for us).

 

Has anyone dealt with this tween girl drama and if so could it be resolved?

 

What's worse is that one of the girls was her "friend" last year and made a big show of bringing her to her church and talking about her faith... this year she's the meanest of the bunch :(.

[NorthwestMom]

I would say it is common but not normal. I'd be sitting down with the teacher ad the principal about this. If that doesn't resolve it, I would take her out if that would make her feel better. I would not allow her to endure that social situation if it does not improve.

 

Good luck!

[butterflymommy]

How long would you give it? As I said this has been ongoing since she started in February. It let up a little after the girl was sent to the principal for the umpteenth time. This year it's several girls.

 

Do we give it a week, a month, after addressing it with the principal?

[TXMomof4]

The drama we've experienced has been between friends. IOW they really are friends just act like jerks sometimes. It sounds like these girls are just being jerks. I wouldn't count on it resolving itself.

 

Eta: I would probably err on the side of caution and bring her home sooner than later. If you can go 2 weeks with no bullying or tears - maybe consider longer. That's only if you really want her at school though. If you would be just as happy with her at home then just bring her home. The damage a bully can do is overwhelming to a 10 yo.

Edited October 6, 2012 by TXMomof4

[momtokea]

If this were my dd, today would have been her last day of school.

[swellmomma]

Based on my experience working with this age group in afterschool care, it is typical behaviour. Mean girls syndrome starts at about that age and certainly does not improve with time from what I have witnessed (and lived through).

 

When I was 10 the bullying started for me, it lasted until I was 16. The same group of kids for those 6 years.

 

If it was my daughter I would pull her immediately but if you think it can improver than bring it up with the teacher and principal one last time with the warning that now that it is affecting her grades if this continues you will have no choice but to pull her from the school.

[Hockey Mom]

I would pull her out.

 

How long would you, as an adult, endure someone like that in your life?

[gingersmom]

It was behavior like you describe that led me to homeschool my daughter for middle school. The private school she went to was incompetent when it came to bullying. She is now in high school at a different private school and there is no tolerance for bullying. As a result it is basically non-existent. I wish I had the backbone and pulled my daughter mid-year instead of listening to everyone else.

[MooCow]

If this were my dd, today would have been her last day of school.

:iagree:

[butterflymommy]

Thanks for your input. I was viciously bullied age 11-13 and then less (different school) but still bad through high school. But what happened to me was so bad I don't think it's common. What DD is experiencing so far isn't as bad as I went through.

 

DH isn't on board with pulling her out-- if he were she wouldn't have gone back this year. I'll talk to the principal and give it one last chance, but if she's home one more time in hysterics, she's out.

[tex-mex]

Based on my experience working with this age group in afterschool care, it is typical behaviour. Mean girls syndrome starts at about that age and certainly does not improve with time from what I have witnessed (and lived through).

 

:iagree:

Having taught 5th grade... girls at this age can be very cruel. It just depends on the year. Some years there is a "Queen B___" in the making with other girls who like to pick on the weaker girls. Some years, it is not as melodramatic. But still problems with girls. Ugh.:glare:

[Puma Mom]

Dd had a friend who was the target of bullies all through middle school in the private CS she attended. It was a very small school (one class per grade), so the bullies just moved up through the grades with her. A strong, confident girl could have handled it, but I do think it affected her self-esteem and therefore plays into the way she's become prey to the lowest of guys in high school.

 

I'd pull her out.

[bettyandbob]

IME bullying can be a lot worse at private schools. Our local middle school really cracks down hard on bullying (when informed by a student or parent), I've heard from at least three people who had decent experiences dealing with the issues in the public ms. However, my family's experience dealing with bullies in private school was very bad. I think some schools are afraid to lose tuition from bullies so they don't push hard to stop it. I've also witnessed bullying in a Christian coop.

 

This is normal for the age, but adults are supposed to be in control. If adults don't have and maintain control, behavior easily spirals to irrecoverable lows.

[Starr]

Dd was bullied in a church bible group. I wanted to start a band called, "Snotty Christian Girls." She doesn't have to live with this. I would home educate her and find some other people and activities. :grouphug:

[Katy]

It's typical behavior for that age group. I'd let her come home. She doesn't fit in with those girls for many reasons- younger, smarter or more focused, etc. What's more, you don't want her to fit in with THOSE girls. That's not who you are raising her to be.

 

Bring her home. Then put her into something that involves learning to control her emotions in the face of stress AND that increases confidence; horseback riding and martial arts are both good options.

[Catwoman]

If this were my dd, today would have been her last day of school.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Thanks for your input. I was viciously bullied age 11-13 and then less (different school) but still bad through high school. But what happened to me was so bad I don't think it's common. What DD is experiencing so far isn't as bad as I went through.

 

But if your dd is being bullied, those girls are going to continue to ramp up their behavior. It's not like they're going to suddenly stop one day, or ease off on her. If they have chosen her as their target, their viciousness will escalate.

 

And realistically, maybe she won't go anything as bad as what you went through, but just because you managed to get through it doesn't mean that your dd should have to deal with the same kind of awful treatment. You know how horrible you felt, so I know you're really upset about what's happening to your dd. I truly believe that your memories of own experiences should help you take quick action to get your dd home and safe, no matter what your dh says about it.

 

DH isn't on board with pulling her out-- if he were she wouldn't have gone back this year. I'll talk to the principal and give it one last chance, but if she's home one more time in hysterics, she's out.

 

Personally, I don't understand why you've continued to give the school and the girls so many chances. IMO, you are letting your dd down in a very big way. She needs to feel she can count on you and your dh to protect her, and although I know you're trying, you're not succeeding.

 

I think your dh is being foolish, and I am very surprised that he's not in favor of getting your dd out of harm's way. If I was in your situation, I would tell my dh that my child was done with that school as of now, and that I would be informing the school of my decision to homeschool first thing on Monday morning. He'd have to learn to deal with it, because my child's safety and happiness would have to come first. This isn't a "she doesn't like school" issue; it's a bullying issue, and frankly, pulling a bullied child out of school would be absolutely non-negotiable to me. It would be done. Now. Period.

 

Protect your girl, Mom.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Catwoman

[Mommy22alyns]

It's typical behavior for that age group. I'd let her come home. She doesn't fit in with those girls for many reasons- younger, smarter or more focused, etc. What's more, you don't want her to fit in with THOSE girls. That's not who you are raising her to be.

 

Bring her home. Then put her into something that involves learning to control her emotions in the face of stress AND that increases confidence; horseback riding and martial arts are both good options.

 

:iagree:

[Hockey Mom]

 

 

I think your dh is being foolish, and I am very surprised that he's not in favor of getting your dd out of harm's way. If I was in your situation, I would tell my dh that my child was done with that school as of now, and that I would be informing the school of my decision to homeschool first thing on Monday morning. He'd have to learn to deal with it, because my child's safety and happiness would have to come first. This isn't a "she doesn't like school" issue; it's a bullying issue, and frankly, pulling a bullied child out of school would be absolutely non-negotiable to me. It would be done. Now. Period.

 

Protect your girl, Mom.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Girl Power]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

 

 

But if your dd is being bullied, those girls are going to continue to ramp up their behavior. It's not like they're going to suddenly stop one day, or ease off on her. If they have chosen her as their target, their viciousness will escalate.

 

And realistically, maybe she won't go anything as bad as what you went through, but just because you managed to get through it doesn't mean that your dd should have to deal with the same kind of awful treatment. You know how horrible you felt, so I know you're really upset about what's happening to your dd. I truly believe that your memories of own experiences should help you take quick action to get your dd home and safe, no matter what your dh says about it.

 

 

 

Personally, I don't understand why you've continued to give the school and the girls so many chances. IMO, you are letting your dd down in a very big way. She needs to feel she can count on you and your dh to protect her, and although I know you're trying, you're not succeeding.

 

I think your dh is being foolish, and I am very surprised that he's not in favor of getting your dd out of harm's way. If I was in your situation, I would tell my dh that my child was done with that school as of now, and that I would be informing the school of my decision to homeschool first thing on Monday morning. He'd have to learn to deal with it, because my child's safety and happiness would have to come first. This isn't a "she doesn't like school" issue; it's a bullying issue, and frankly, pulling a bullied child out of school would be absolutely non-negotiable to me. It would be done. Now. Period.

 

Protect your girl, Mom.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Bullying can have such devestating effects on her. It is spirit crushing. You don't want these dysfunctional experiences to shape who she will be. Giving her opportunities for healthy relationships that build her up and protecting her tender spirit would be my number one priority.

 

Good luck,

beck

[Annie G]

I hate to be Debbie Downer but yesterday I went to a visitation for a 13 year old boy who just felt he couldn't deal with the bullying any longer. People knew, everyone was trying to solve the problem, nobody knew just how much the young boy was being hurt by it. Your daughter is nowhere near this stage but why risk having her childhood tainted by bullying?

[cin]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I don't usually like to tell one spouse to go against another, but in this situation, having been a bullied child from grades 5-12, I would have pulled her out after the first 'restraining order' didn't work. At 47, I still suffer with self-esteem issues.

 

I was the ONE child in my 7th grade class that wasn't invited to the end of the year party. I was called names, my locker was broken into, the guy who had the locker next to mine broke my finger slamming my locker shut, etc. etc. MM self esteem was beyond the toilet by the time I graduated. So bad, in fact, that I flunked out of nursing school because I had a teacher with an attitude. I felt that it was all my fault. Looking back, she was a witch. It wasn't me. But I was programmed to feel that way.

 

Obviously the teacher is aware of the problem. She let your daughter re-take the test. So why isn't she doing more? Oh wait, that's right. The parents are PAYING to send their child there. But so are you. Unless your public schools are really crappy, I'd pull ALL my kids. Money Talks.

[Starr]

Dd says initially you feel like you lose if you leave and after that it is freeing. Her leaving empowered her slowly. But the months of sitting on my lap crying, at 14, was miserable for all of us. Ds left too.

[bettyandbob]

Is your dh thinking that since your dd is not physically being beaten that there is no lasting effect.

 

When a child is pushed around this way the long term consequences can be devastating. The child can begin to feel she "deserves" to be treated this way. Child may never perform up to her academic abilities.

[mytwomonkeys]

i have not experienced anything like that with my daughter and hope she escapes such meanness. i would pull your daughter out. it broke my heart to read your post. hugs to your little girl:grouphug:

[cin]

Is your dh thinking that since your dd is not physically being beaten that there is no lasting effect.

 

When a child is pushed around this way the long term consequences can be devastating. The child can begin to feel she "deserves" to be treated this way. Child may never perform up to her academic abilities.

 

:iagree:

 

I am in Mensa, and I got out of high school on the mercy of my chemistry teacher (senior taking, for the 2nd or 3rd time, Chem 1) who knew how screwed up I was, and added 4 points to my grade to give me a 'D'.

 

Also, if she starts to feel like she deserves this, she could possibly stumble into abusive relationships later on. THAT might make Dad think twice.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree with Catwoman. :grouphug:

[Kaleidoscope]

If she wants to quit I wouldn't send her back.

[amyco]

You are paying money for your daughter to attend this school? And the bullying is now affecting her academics? Let alone her social issues? How is that okay? Your job is to protect her, and help her feel safe. She needs to know you are going to protect her. Please don't make it about the money. The school has shown itself, so far, to be inadequate in dealing with this. My dd started public school last year in 8th grade and there was one incident--I made a ruckus and I was impressed with how the school handled it. They took it very seriously, called the other child's parents in to talk to, the teachers separated the children, and I got several emails from teachers and a phone call from the vice principal. My dd didn't have any further incidents. I don't think you should expect any less from a private school, and I would expect them to deal with it immediately.

[butterflymommy]

I think some schools are afraid to lose tuition from bullies so they don't push hard to stop it. I've also witnessed bullying in a Christian coop.

 

This is a good point. I've seen this firsthand both at the last CS and now this one. I saw really atrocious (and sometimes violent) behavior from kids that should have gotten them expelled but they were somehow untouchable. Keeping enrollment up is a big issue too.

[butterflymommy]

I hate to be Debbie Downer but yesterday I went to a visitation for a 13 year old boy who just felt he couldn't deal with the bullying any longer. People knew, everyone was trying to solve the problem, nobody knew just how much the young boy was being hurt by it. Your daughter is nowhere near this stage but why risk having her childhood tainted by bullying?

 

That is so sad.

 

Part of the problem has been that DD is naturally very high strung and does get hysterical on occasion only to come down from it and act like it never happened. So it has been difficult for me to parse out just how bad this really is for her. Though I'm pretty certain it's bad.

 

I've never mentioned this on the board but I attempted suicide at age 12 due to severe bullying... and my experience in being bullied is what led me to HS in the first place. So I'm ready to swoop down and rescue her even against DH's wishes-- I just need to make sure it's absolutely the right thing to do. Then I'll do it without apology.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

We all think it's the right thing to bring her home, and we would have rescued you, too, if we could have, butterflymommy.

 

Helping her feel safe and good about herself is enough of a reason to homeschool. Hoping the other girls will decide to be nice isn't logical. Hoping the school will step in and do what's right is only wishful thinking. As her Mommy, you have all the power if you'll use it and just bring her home.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'd bring her home. It's having a negative impact in her school work, her self esteem, and home life.

[Catwoman]

We all think it's the right thing to bring her home, and we would have rescued you, too, if we could have, butterflymommy.

 

Helping her feel safe and good about herself is enough of a reason to homeschool. Hoping the other girls will decide to be nice isn't logical. Hoping the school will step in and do what's right is only wishful thinking. As her Mommy, you have all the power if you'll use it and just bring her home.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Let's face it. Even if the teachers and the administration change their ways and are absolutely wonderful and watch out for your dd during every minute of class, those girls will bully her before school, during lunch/gym class/recess, after school, on the bus, or on their Facebook pages.

 

I'm not sure what you're waiting for -- and when I say "YOU," I really mean your dh. Is he waiting for her to come home terrified because someone locked her in a locker? Does she need to come home with a bloody nose? What I'm hearing is that she needs to be hysterical and crying and completely over-the-top upset again... and I'm not sure why she should be put through that kind of stress, just to "prove" that she should be at home. I don't think the "degree of meanness" is that incredibly important here, either. It's bullying, and it's consistent, and it's not going to stop.

 

 

It doesn't really matter if she's a bit of a drama queen. She's upset and you know the girls are mean to her. That would be more than enough for me. I know you said that afterward, she comes down from it and acts OK again, but I wouldn't want her to reach a point where she doesn't bounce back from it. It almost sounds like you're waiting for some sort of severe psychological symptom to arise. (I know you don't mean it that way, but I can't figure out what would constitute enough "evidence" to pull her out of school, if you have had issues with the bullying since early this year. It's not like this is a new thing.)

Edited October 6, 2012 by Catwoman

[bettyandbob]

Another thing about your post is that your dd has a sibling discount.

 

I was in that situation several years ago. I pulled both kids. Even though my younger child was not bullied. I was not going to leave my younger child in an environment where she could observe that bullying or scapegoating of any kind was OK. I was going to leave her in an environment where she could see adults could not be trusted to help.

 

Perhaps if the other child is older and finishing high school, I'd leave that child in the school, but not a child only a couple years older and definitely not a younger child. This is not an environment that supports/strengthens moral values.

[deacongirl]

I wouldn't call it drama, I would call it bullying. Rosalind Wiseman has good advice on this issue, but I would agree with all of the others here.

This may be relevant to your dd:

http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/emotional-intensity-in-gifted-children

 

https://news.uns.purdue.edu/html4ever/2006/060406.Peterson.bullies.html

 

http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/teasing-and-gifted-children

[Parrothead]

We're getting a steep sibling discount so to put her in a different CS would be a lot of money (for us).

 

 

Your child's mental well-being has to be worth more than any discount. Just because she does not experience the level of bullying that you experienced does not mean that she is experiencing mental trauma. Unresolved bullying could result in PSTD. It could also result in suicide as we have seen so many times in the news the last few years.

 

You need to put things into perspective and protect your child. She is already asking you to get her out of that situation. What exactly are you waiting for?

[Parrothead]

I just need to make sure it's absolutely the right thing to do. Then I'll do it without apology.

Yeah, it is that time.

[Starr]

Another thing about your post is that your dd has a sibling discount.

 

I was in that situation several years ago. I pulled both kids. Even though my younger child was not bullied. I was not going to leave my younger child in an environment where she could observe that bullying or scapegoating of any kind was OK. I was going to leave her in an environment where she could see adults could not be trusted to help.

 

Perhaps if the other child is older and finishing high school, I'd leave that child in the school, but not a child only a couple years older and definitely not a younger child. This is not an environment that supports/strengthens moral values.

 

Leaving any other children in the school doesn't support your dd. She'll have to go to school events that she isn't participating in and see the other girls. It won't make an impact on the administration. And she will feel like if she just tried harder she could have been part of the group.

[Chris in VA]

How do you think more time would solve the problem?

Do you think they will stop being mean? Why would they?

Do you think she will stop being "so sensitive?"

 

They won't stop being mean.

 

She is not being "so sensitive."

 

She's hurting, AND WITH GOOD REASON. She is not being a baby, oversensitive, overreactive. HER REACTION IS LOGICAL GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

All the "Don't let it bother you!" "Walk away!" "Just ignore them!" "Find other friends!" advice WON'T WORK.

 

PLEASE let her come home. She can try again in a couple of years, if you really think she needs to. PLEASE rescue her.

[Catwoman]

How do you think more time would solve the problem?

Do you think they will stop being mean? Why would they?

Do you think she will stop being "so sensitive?"

 

They won't stop being mean.

 

She is not being "so sensitive."

 

She's hurting, AND WITH GOOD REASON. She is not being a baby, oversensitive, overreactive. HER REACTION IS LOGICAL GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

All the "Don't let it bother you!" "Walk away!" "Just ignore them!" "Find other friends!" advice WON'T WORK.

 

PLEASE let her come home. She can try again in a couple of years, if you really think she needs to. PLEASE rescue her.

 

:iagree:

[2cents]

I was bullied. Ignoring doesn't help. I would pull her out asap especially since you have tried going to the school for intervention and it hasn't helped. Bullying can be so damaging to self-esteem.

[MooCow]

IME bullying can be a lot worse at private schools. Our local middle school really cracks down hard on bullying (when informed by a student or parent), I've heard from at least three people who had decent experiences dealing with the issues in the public ms. However, my family's experience dealing with bullies in private school was very bad. I think some schools are afraid to lose tuition from bullies so they don't push hard to stop it. I've also witnessed bullying in a Christian coop.

:iagree:

[Harriet Vane]

How do you think more time would solve the problem?

Do you think they will stop being mean? Why would they?

Do you think she will stop being "so sensitive?"

 

They won't stop being mean.

 

She is not being "so sensitive."

 

She's hurting, AND WITH GOOD REASON. She is not being a baby, oversensitive, overreactive. HER REACTION IS LOGICAL GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

All the "Don't let it bother you!" "Walk away!" "Just ignore them!" "Find other friends!" advice WON'T WORK.

 

PLEASE let her come home. She can try again in a couple of years, if you really think she needs to. PLEASE rescue her.

 

:iagree:

[happypamama]

I'd pull her out now.

 

The kids started bullying me terribly in fourth grade, and it really didn't let up until high school. My parents spoke to the teachers and the other kids' parents -- it did no good. If it's been going on since February, I doubt it will clear up. Bring your precious little girl home and get her away from those mean girls.

[happypamama]

How do you think more time would solve the problem?

Do you think they will stop being mean? Why would they?

Do you think she will stop being "so sensitive?"

 

They won't stop being mean.

 

She is not being "so sensitive."

 

She's hurting, AND WITH GOOD REASON. She is not being a baby, oversensitive, overreactive. HER REACTION IS LOGICAL GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

All the "Don't let it bother you!" "Walk away!" "Just ignore them!" "Find other friends!" advice WON'T WORK.

 

PLEASE let her come home. She can try again in a couple of years, if you really think she needs to. PLEASE rescue her.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Yes to all of that! Adults' well-meaning advice just does not work. It's not a matter of "I like sports and the other girls don't, so let's find me some friends who like sports;" it's a matter of other kids being just plain MEAN. No matter what your DD does, they're not going to change, at least not at this point; maybe they'll outgrow it a bit in a few years, or at least (like my classmates did) develop their own concerns and leave other kids alone.

[AngelaNYC]

Ugh, this age is so hard in school. My oldest dd was bullied in 6th and 7th grades and she homeschooled for 8th grade. My only purpose that year for her was to get her self-esteem back on track. Thank God it seemed to work and she then went to high school in 9th grade and it was great.

 

I wanted to keep my younger dd away from middle school at all costs and she homeschooled until starting high school in 9th grade. She's now in 11th grade and it's been great.

 

Ds is 11 and I really don't want him in the middle school environment either. He has no interest in school right now and might go to high school when the time comes.

 

There's something about this age that brings out the worst in kids. I was bullied in 7th grade and gave up skipping 8th grade in order to get out of that school and go somewhere else. My sister still cringes when she talks about her middle school experience. I see it everywhere. The 11-13y/os at dd's dance studio are nasty to each other, talk behind everyone's back, and have horrifying things on their facebooks, formsprings, and ask.fms. I believe homeschooling gave my younger dd enough self-respect, confidence, and intelligence to handle those years without losing herself.

 

This situation isn't going to get better. I say take her out at least until high school. I've noticed that most of the nonsense dies out at around 9th grade in my area (I think you're in NYC too, right?). Your dd will be better off.