Is this even possible???

[bairnmama]

I would like to know if/how it is possible to be able to sit and play games with your children when you're the only caregiver? How do you get all the schooling, cleaning, cooking, errands, yard maintenance, car maintenance, etc done and still have time for the games and play times without totally draining yourself?

 

Let me give some background.... My dh is military and has recently moved into a unit that is totally unpredictable. We ususally don't know from one day to the next, sometimes from one hour to the next, whether he will be home that evening, or 3 days from now. Last week, from Wed to Mon I saw him about 3 hrs! I can't take a break from housework/yardwork because I never know when he'll be coming through and need something clean, easily findable, or a quick meal. He also cannot stand clutter AT ALL! Now, we were just informed that he has 3 back-to-back schools before a deployment that will basically mean we might not see him until next July.

 

We've done the deployment thing many times before, but not with the added need of school in the mix. It seems even now, that by the time we get school done for the day, I have to do so many other things that we never get around to playing games together. I've been feeling especially guilty about this with my 3 yr old. I know my sig line shows the 'school' stuff he is doing, but those are generally during dd's school time so he doesn't feel left out. He can "do school" with us and with similar things. I keep hearing my self say "Not right now" or "Sorry, I have to finnish ___ or ____." so many times during the day when they want to do something with me. It doesn't help that dh was homeschooled and had one of those mothers that was able to teach 3 boys at home and keep a spotless house. Of course, he admits that his mom never played with them and so doesn't see this as an issue. It's just that he forgets that his dad was home most every night and weekend and could take them fishing, play ball in the evening while his mom cleaned up from supper, and such. I always said I refused to be that kind of mom, but I find myself turning into one just the same. Oh, and it also doesn't help that the closest family is 900 miles away, literally.

 

I am open to any and all suggestions... so please, help me find a way to make time to play!

[Mom to Aly]

I would like to know if/how it is possible to be able to sit and play games with your children when you're the only caregiver? How do you get all the schooling, cleaning, cooking, errands, yard maintenance, car maintenance, etc done and still have time for the games and play times without totally draining yourself?

 

Well, don't know if this will make you feel better, but I have been a single mom for the last nearly five years, and, basically, I am tired all the time. I do school every day we can so that we can spread it out enough to have free time whenever it comes. I gave up on silly things, like yard maintenance (probably the first to go) a long time ago--house cleaning is med on my list, cooking is something I do with my daughter, and she loves to help with. You can work that into lots of lessons, too--math, measuring, some sciences (you can look up lessons online, or get books from the library related to that, and they are never too young to learn). I have always made errands part of it too, figuring out what to get, reading the list, counting the money, and my daughter loves taking three times as long doing self check out where she pretends to be the check out person and I am the customer and she checks me out (and yes, it often takes 2-3 times as long to check out, but she so enjoys it, it is worth it to me).

 

My dd could add money and recognize coins faster than any kid I have ever seen, because I made it a rule when she was young that any change I had left in my pocket after errands (always less than a dollar) would be laid on the table--if she could count it correctly on the first try, she could have it. She got it almost instantly.

 

She can read a label and tell you about calories, carbs, the diff types of fat, protein, etc. She knows how to figure out which deal is better per oz, etc.

 

All of this is learning, and it is useful learning. And, to kids, it is really fun, or you can make it that way. A trip to a pet store can be wonderful--combine it with a lesson about fish and you've taken care of some science--see what I mean? An outing to a park and a nature walk--science!

 

Besides that--you say your hubby doesn't like mess. You are the one living there, taking care of your kids trying to please them and keep your house running. I think it is time to sit down and have a talk with him, make him aware of your stress and worries, and make some compromises. I think you also need to do the same with yourself. If you have time before he goes, pack away EVERYTHING you don't need and use on a reg basis. All it will do is add to the clutter. If you can afford someone to come in and help clean, do so. If not, I find the best way to take care of it, besides daily pick up, is one room a day, early in the morn, while you still have energy (or, rather, I did when I still really cleaned--my priority is my daughter--cleaning is one of those things that sits on a back burner and nags at me once in a while, but doesn't bother me as much as it should).

 

You are going to have big compromises to make. I wish you the best, and, more than anything, wish you relief from the stress I can hear you already feel.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I would like to know if/how it is possible to be able to sit and play games with your children when you're the only caregiver? How do you get all the schooling, cleaning, cooking, errands, yard maintenance, car maintenance, etc done and still have time for the games and play times without totally draining yourself?

 

It's a very tough spot, it sounds likes.

 

One of the techniques I use around here is to take the extra time to include the little ones in the chores. My 2yo loves nothing more than to vacuum. He'll play with bubbles in the sink while I wash dishes, help me load up the washer and dryer, toss socks into the place where socks live, or sing with me while we pick up. He has his own little broom and sweeps with me. Most little kids haven't yet differentiated between chores that grown ups do, and fun that kids have. It's not really play time, but it is time that you spend having fun together, if you approach it with that attitude. It does take longer, but I find I feel better about it if I can at least say to myself, "Well, it's not done, but I never stopped working all day." Maybe that sort of attitude with help your DH too, and maybe he'll also be glad that you're training the kids to clean? An added benefit of playing chores together is that the kids develop a really positive work ethic.

[jkwynn]

A few things we do here (also a military family, so I get the married single parent thing, hehe) are:

 

- incorporate playtime into the chores like a previous poster mentioned. My oldest LOVES a feather duster, or a spray bottle of water and a cloth...we have tile floors and I can send him on a mission to 'spot mop' - then I go around with a magnifying glass looking for spots that 'escaped' him...this is more his idea than mine, lol. I'm not really picky about his cleaning. He's 6, but he's really getting good at cleaning, and making his bed, etc. I do make a point to say out loud how much he helps me. Not always TO him, but definitely within earshot. Like when DH comes home, I'll say "You are NOT going to believe what DS1 did today! Go have a look in his room. Don't pass out, though, b/c you are really not going to believe it!" (Then he makes a huge deal about how clean his room is or whatever we're bragging on him about...) Usually DS1 will add in something about how it was pretty hard, but he didn't even sweat! (he's a natural comic, hehe)

 

- set timers for cleaning and EVERYBODY helps (you can get a ton of stuff done in 15 minutes when you have extra bodies racing around to 'beat the clock' and it's kind of fun! Scream now and then about how "TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!")

 

- errands are another way to incorporate learning and games -

• we play abc hunters, and look for letters in street signs, billboards, storefront awnings/names, license plates, etc.
  
• since they're captive, hehe, it's a good time to imagine/pretend. One of our favorite games (warning: extremely silly game coming up!) is for him to say "Moooom, I drank all your water (or ate all my breakfast, or lost my favorite shoes, whatever...) What are you going to do to me?" and then I might say something like "I'm going to throw you in the garbage!" and he replies "Then what??" and I'll say something like "Then I'm going to roll the can to the curb and wait for the truck!" (Then what??) "Then the truck is going to dump you in the back with the rotten food and dirty diapers!" (Then what??) "And then they're going to take you to the landfill and plop you in a pile of stinky socks!" and on and on until finally the vultures eat him, throw him up on the street, and somehow he ends up back in one piece at home. Then I'll "break his Transformer.." and it's his turn. You really can learn a lot about things while you play (like where the garbage goes, lol.)
  
• Oh, and sometimes we might do math instead. :P "If I have 8 swords and I swallow 6 of them..." (I'm learning boy-speak as I go, hehe.)

- I sometimes do his bath immediately after dinner instead of near bedtime. That way, I can keep the baby in the high-chair a few extra minutes while the oldest is washing up, and I can clean up a little in the kitchen. Oh, and since I cook the meals, he clears the table. :)

 

- I'd find a teenager to cut the grass, if I could swing it. I have an 11 month old, and I just don't see me leaving him in the house or the yard while I try to get that done. We rent and they pay somebody to do that now, but who knows what the situation will be at our next station...maybe somebody in the neighborhood?

 

With regards to your DH's clutter issue - when he's home, see if he'll take the kids so you have time to tidy up whatever you didn't get to OR vice versa. When he's not home, well, what he doesn't see won't bug him, right?

 

Granted, this is our first year of homeschooling, so we'll have to learn to work around that soon, but these are some things that help me get "playtime" when it seems like my list just gets longer and longer every day.

 

And, it probably helps that I don't sleep much. I seem to function pretty normally on 4-6 hours of sleep so I can afford to stay up later and get things done, if needed. You know, important stuff like computer time. :P

[snickelfritz]

I'll tell them that I need to do something for 20 minutes and then I will play a game with them. I set a timer so that they and I know that I don't stop until the timer goes off.

 

Then, I play with them and I tell them I'll play for 20 minutes. When the timer goes off, I need to do some more of MY stuff.

 

Usually, that's enough for me to go back to my stuff indefinitely. It gives them a fix.

 

 

Also, we picnic outside a LOT. We pack up an easy lunch or breakfast and take it to the park or even just to our backyard. It lets us mix playtime with mealtime and we can get 2 things done at once. It also means that I don't have a kitchen to clean.

[bairnmama]

[

quote=jkwynn;388694]A few things we do here (also a military family, so I get the married single parent thing, hehe)

 

It is a rather unique lifestyle isn't it?

 

- incorporate playtime into the chores like a previous poster mentioned. My oldest LOVES a feather duster,

 

We use the swiffers a lot and they do enjoy that, my dd also *loves* to clean her bathroom. I give her the eco/kid-friendly wipes and let her go to town. I'm glad ya'll can have fun seeing what's missed, but that won't work for my overly sensitive dc.

 

- set timers for cleaning and EVERYBODY helps (you can get a ton of stuff done in 15 minutes when you have extra bodies racing around to 'beat the clock' and it's kind of fun! Scream now and then about how "TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!")

 

We've tried things like this, but mainly it turns in to them running around in circles screaming and waving their arms like they're insane and me out of breath picking up everything. How do you keep it fun, yet ensure that they're actually picking up?! Really, I want to know.

 

- I sometimes do his bath immediately after dinner instead of near bedtime. That way, I can keep the baby in the high-chair a few extra minutes while the oldest is washing up, and I can clean up a little in the kitchen. Oh, and since I cook the meals, he clears the table.

 

That would be nice! Unfortunately, supper tends to be pushed back so far (waiting for word that perhaps dh might join us) that right after supper is pretty much near bedtime. :tongue_smilie: Of course, they get bits of their supper disguised as snacks to tide them over till word comes, but it's still late nontheless. I also can't wait for the day when they're tall enough to effectively clear the table. We have one of those pub height tables to give extra prep space in my almost counterless kitchen and even my dd has trouble reaching things not right on the very edge.

 

- I'd find a teenager to cut the grass, if I could swing it. I have an 11 month old, and I just don't see me leaving him in the house or the yard while I try to get that done. We rent and they pay somebody to do that now, but who knows what the situation will be at our next station...maybe somebody in the neighborhood?

 

 

Believe it or not... this is something I actually enjoy doing. It gives me time outside without being interrupted a million times over things. I can think and plan for things coming up then, too. I fix juice and snack and let them watch TV while I mow and they know not to stop me unless it's a desperate situation, lol! Now, dh was deployed when my ds was just a few months old and again at about 18 months old so I mowed a little everyday during his nap for my excercise or put him in a backpack carrier.

 

With regards to your DH's clutter issue - when he's home, see if he'll take the kids so you have time to tidy up whatever you didn't get to OR vice versa. When he's not home, well, what he doesn't see won't bug him, right?

 

 

This is what's causing the most problems!!! I NEVER know when he's going to be home, or for how long. One day he came through right in the middle of a manipulative heavy math lesson (if she can't move it, she doesn't get it). When he saw the living room all cluttered with stuffed animals for counting and sorting he nearly lost it! The sad thing is that it's so much easier when he's gone for long stretches than when he's in and out. When he's gone for a few months, I can let things fall where they may during the day and do scheduled pick ups say before lunch and dinner or just pile the laundry on the cedar chest and get to it when I can. But when he just pops in and out I have to try to keep everything in order almost all the time since I don't know when he'll show up. I try to keep him part of the family, but dinner is never at the same time, he often only has time to change clothes and get hugs before going back out the door. If I kept the kids to a set schedule of meals and bedtime, they may never see him or get to spend time when he's available! He did take them fishing the first part of last week (packed them a snack since it was close to a normal persons dinnertime, then he got called back in to work about 7 pm) and I got some good thorough cleaning in then, but those times are few and far between.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the ways to put fun into chores, errands, etc. We do try to get a lot of that done, but what I really miss and want to find time for is actually sitting down to a game of Candy Land, Old Maid, Polly Pocket, doing puzzles, or building block towers and kicking the ball around in the yard.

[bairnmama]

Also, we picnic outside a LOT. We pack up an easy lunch or breakfast and take it to the park or even just to our backyard. It lets us mix playtime with mealtime and we can get 2 things done at once. It also means that I don't have a kitchen to clean.

 

We used to do this a lot, but not so much anymore. I almost forgot about it. Thanks!

[clwcain]

I don't have much to add, as my wife and I have never been in your situation.

 

BUT, I am a man with a very low tolerance for domestic clutter. Very low.

 

One day my wife, very calmly, explained to me that it was a choice between tolerating clutter and having relatively clean and well-fed children. It was not something I'd honestly ever given much though to, since my own mother kept a clutter-free house and took care of four of us.

 

Different folks have different tolerances. I've learned to love the clutter, but it's taken a long time. But it didn't start until she pointed out that something had to give.

 

And, fwiw, yard work is the first thing that goes by the wayside when I'm not around the house for long periods of time. We either pay someone to do it or, more typically since $$ can get very tight, it just doesn't get done. Although my wife has enlisted the kids in weeding the garden and that has helped a great deal.

 

HTH

[oceandaughter]

Luckily, I have a very helpful patient dh who also struggles a bit with organization and clutter himself so he is very understanding.

 

I'm learning a lot from your replies, and relearning things I had forgotten. Keep them coming.

 

:lurk5:

:bigear: