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Dealing with DD - Need Advice (long!)


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Ok, background here is that I was raised with a dad who was very distant and yet critical. His way of showing he loved me was to criticize me in order to help me become a better person. (You got an A-? Why not an A?) He regrets those things now, but I grew up feeling "never good enough" and it took me a long while of adulthood to put that in its place.

 

Flash forward to now - I have a super sensitive DD who has always taken everything very personally. The last thing I want is to pass on "never good enough" to her. I make sure that I always acknowledge and praise the positives, and never withhold affection from her as a punishment for behavior.

 

The problem is, she still takes ANYTHING I say as "She's not good enough and I'm disappointed in her." Any kind of criticism, no matter HOW it is given, is taken as a put down rather than an encouragement to do better. We have had numerous conversations regarding this, and that I will always love her, and even if I am upset because she does something it doesn't mean she is a bad person, or I think she is a bad person, etc.etc. Doesn't matter. If it makes any difference, DH says he was that way as a kid too. Also, DD does have diagnosed ADD and is on meds for it. On meds it is fairly well controlled.

 

Example: DD has a problem not putting her clothes away and leaving them on the floor. This has gone on for about two years now of me reminding her to put them away, watching her while she puts them away, etc. A week or so ago, she couldn't find some item of clothing she needed because of course all her clothes were on the floor strewn around the room. Yes, I was mad. "DD, I am so tired of you not taking care of your clothes! What is it going to take to get you to take care of them? I feel like you don't appreciate them when you treat them this way!"

 

DD had a total meltdown, sobbing. "I just can't do it, every time I try to be good, I keep forgetting again, I want you to be proud of me, and I just can't do good enough. I'm mad at myself already and it just makes me feel worse knowing you look at me and are disappointed in me." Further crying, she thinks she is scum, etc. Me explaining that yes, I am disappointed in her behavior of not taking care of her clothes, but that does not mean that I don't love her or that she is a bad person.

 

Rinse, repeat. Same scenario happens all the time with different issues. Just now, I got on to her because it took her the whole morning to do her math lesson. She burst into tears and ran into her room.

 

The upshot of this post is how can I do my job as a mom, helping her to grow into a responsible adult, helping her to improve in the areas she needs improvement, when she is SO SENSITIVE and takes it as a personal attack no matter how it is presented?? When I see that look of "never good enough" on her face, my gut wrenches inside. But I can't just NOT do my job.

 

Thanks for reading...

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I cannot fully say this is true since I am not there, but honestly, it sounds like she has less of an issue with her self worth and more of a way pushing your buttons.

 

We all have that one thing that will make us stop short. I think she has learned your trigger--- being treated like you were. Are you being overly critical? Are you making her feel like she is worthless? Probably not.

 

How long will this ploy work for her?

Would it work on a PS teacher?

Will it work on an employer?

Will it work on ANYONE but you?

 

Is your job to make her an adult, to be able to face the world and function in it.

Sometimes we have to fail enough times to be successful. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt even when we try our best. Sometimes people tell us we aren't good enough when we aren't good enough. We have to take it and do better. Crying won't fix anything. Succeeding will make us have appropriate self worth.

 

I am not saying she is actually playing you or that she is aware that is doing it if she is.

I am saying it works and you back down and let her get away with it instead of pushing harder.

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I cannot fully say this is true since I am not there, but honestly, it sounds like she has less of an issue with her self worth and more of a way pushing your buttons.

 

We all have that one thing that will make us stop short. I think she has learned your trigger--- being treated like you were. Are you being overly critical? Are you making her feel like she is worthless? Probably not.

 

How long will this ploy work for her?

Would it work on a PS teacher?

Will it work on an employer?

Will it work on ANYONE but you?

 

Is your job to make her an adult, to be able to face the world and function in it.

Sometimes we have to fail enough times to be successful. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt even when we try our best. Sometimes people tell us we aren't good enough when we aren't good enough. We have to take it and do better. Crying won't fix anything. Succeeding will make us have appropriate self worth.

 

I am not saying she is actually playing you or that she is aware that is doing it if she is.

I am saying it works and you back down and let her get away with it instead of pushing harder.

 

:iagree:

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My DS10 is the same way. Missing 1 problem in AoPS means he's a failure even though he's several years ahead of grade level. And we don't love him. It would be better if he just left. Things like that.

 

But we are seeing an improvement in his behavior, attitudes, and ability to handle things. He has fewer meltdowns, and when he does meltdown, he recovers much faster and much easier. He's nicer and deliberately being nice to, his little brother whom he's never gotten along with. While he was upset about errors in math, he hasn't used words like failure or stupid or accused us of not loving him in a while.

 

The only change we've made is diet. We've moved to a diet where most meals are about 75% fruits and vegetables and 25% protein/grains/starches. Breakfast is typically 1/2 cup of eggs scrambled with onion and spinach with fruit on the side. Lunch is typically 1/2 sandwich made on Dave's Killer Bread (to get those omega 3's from the seeds) and fruit. Dinner is typically 3 oz of meat with cooked veggies and salad. I only do pasta or potatoes occasionally. We still do desserts, but smaller portions. We eat very little processed foods.

 

Terry Wahl's TED talk about curing her MS had a profound effect on me. If she can cure the incurable, what else can diet cure? Dr. Sears has a book called The N.D.D. Book which talks about how diet can affect ADD, Aspergers, learning, behavior, and whatnot. I've also been reading The China Study, which is further convincing me that more plant foods is the way to go. I highly recommend all three.

 

I wish you success in helping your daughter. I know that you must be very worried about her.

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Anxiety and disorganization are a huge part of ADD/HD. Both of my AD/HD kids are like your dd. Extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, and clothes everywhere! DD even told me last week that when her clothes are in her drawers, she forgets where they are. She isn't "playing you", they just need to "see" things in order to see them. Open storage bins/clear bins in a closet instead of a dresser might help. Ikea has some wire drawer rolling cart type systems that might work.

 

As to the criticisms---just keep plugging away with lots of conversations. Ds (16) was even bad at accepting compliments. I said something to him a few weeks ago joking w/ him and he got upset. He said something about it, and I told him I didn't praise him, because when I do, he just rolls his eyes at me like he doesn't believe me. He thought about it and said "Yeah, you're right." Since then he has really changed. He accepts praise, and doesn't get so angry and upset when I do make a remark about something that might be construed as critical. Sometimes it just takes maturity, and lots of mom banging her head on the wall when no one is looking. Meds really do help, but it has taken 2 years of meds for me to start seeing the results of 16 years of teaching organization.

 

Hang in there, and just keep plugging away.

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I have no advice just :grouphug:.

 

I have a dd very similar. It is very draining. Dd will be going off to college next fall and I worry how will she handle the real world if she is so sensitive. I just keep praying.

 

Hope you get some good advice! :bigear:

 

Elise in NC

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I cannot fully say this is true since I am not there, but honestly, it sounds like she has less of an issue with her self worth and more of a way pushing your buttons.

 

We all have that one thing that will make us stop short. I think she has learned your trigger--- being treated like you were. Are you being overly critical? Are you making her feel like she is worthless? Probably not.

 

How long will this ploy work for her?

Would it work on a PS teacher?

Will it work on an employer?

Will it work on ANYONE but you?

 

Is your job to make her an adult, to be able to face the world and function in it.

Sometimes we have to fail enough times to be successful. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt even when we try our best. Sometimes people tell us we aren't good enough when we aren't good enough. We have to take it and do better. Crying won't fix anything. Succeeding will make us have appropriate self worth.

 

I am not saying she is actually playing you or that she is aware that is doing it if she is.

I am saying it works and you back down and let her get away with it instead of pushing harder.

 

I have really tried to assess that possibility. I don't think she is playing it, and I have tried to look at it as objectively as possible. There is something on her face and in her eyes. Also the fact that she is very much like her dad, and he says that is exactly the way he felt.

 

The times that I have pushed further have resulted in nothing accomplished AT ALL. There was once she kept saying she was sorry, so sorry, and I said, "I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to do what you are supposed to do." Another time she said, "I feel so bad about what I did." and I said, "Well, you should feel bad about it and you should change to do better." All that ever resulted was total shutdown.

 

I agree with everything you said about functioning in the adult world, and that is the way I deal with it and respond. But she seems to respond exactly the opposite, the further I push the more she shuts down.

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Thanks for the replies...

 

Her dad had a conversation with her recently about him being like her. He talked to her about how you can choose to see criticism in different ways. You can either see it as something destructive to you, or it can motivate you and give you determination to do better. I've been encouraging him to talk to her more since he seems to "get" it more than I do.

 

Dad says he didn't figure it out until he was in his 20's. :glare:

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I have really tried to assess that possibility. I don't think she is playing it, and I have tried to look at it as objectively as possible. There is something on her face and in her eyes. Also the fact that she is very much like her dad, and he says that is exactly the way he felt.

 

The times that I have pushed further have resulted in nothing accomplished AT ALL. There was once she kept saying she was sorry, so sorry, and I said, "I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to do what you are supposed to do." Another time she said, "I feel so bad about what I did." and I said, "Well, you should feel bad about it and you should change to do better." All that ever resulted was total shutdown.

 

I agree with everything you said about functioning in the adult world, and that is the way I deal with it and respond. But she seems to respond exactly the opposite, the further I push the more she shuts down.

 

 

I guess the only thing to do is to figure out how to help her to succeed.

 

I can only offer suggestions.

 

Figure out how to make her have lots of little successes and praise those.

 

Take away all her clothes except a few outfits and have her take care of those.

 

Add some more after a week or two of success and praise.

 

 

I would also show her how to overcome adversity.

 

DD12 hates math (but is good at it)

 

We do AOPS pre-alg together and I make as many mistakes as she does.

 

When I do I say "hmm... lets see where I went wrong" We look and find the reason and I show her how to overcome failure and to view failure as a way of finding out how to succeed.

 

Nothing is as hard when you have someone to do it with, and how can she feel bad when you are as "bad" as she is. Let her see your failures and how you overcome them.

 

DD12 used to be a melt down type of girl--- after the melt down, we would calmly do the task together; cleaning the room, doing the math, fixing the broken thing, cleaning the spilled item from the carpet. She eventually stopped the meltdowns (since they just made things take longer) and started to realize that she could do things herself.

 

 

 

BTW, I have a HUGE list of parenting fails and I am only offering things that you can try. I am not judging you in any way. I can tell you the triggers my children use on me :).

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That is exactly how I was when I was 11. How old is your daughter? Could it be hormones? If so, maybe you could help her to remember that her body chemistry is making things look worse than they really are.

 

Also, help her to learn to get past the "I screwed up" part and move on to "let's fix it." Everyone screws up, and we all have to give ourselves grace and focus on the solution. Try to move the focus from thinking to doing. And do your best not to revisit the past (e.g., "you always do this, you never learn").

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I cannot fully say this is true since I am not there, but honestly, it sounds like she has less of an issue with her self worth and more of a way pushing your buttons.

 

We all have that one thing that will make us stop short. I think she has learned your trigger--- being treated like you were. Are you being overly critical? Are you making her feel like she is worthless? Probably not.

 

How long will this ploy work for her?

Would it work on a PS teacher?

Will it work on an employer?

Will it work on ANYONE but you?

 

Is your job to make her an adult, to be able to face the world and function in it.

Sometimes we have to fail enough times to be successful. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt even when we try our best. Sometimes people tell us we aren't good enough when we aren't good enough. We have to take it and do better. Crying won't fix anything. Succeeding will make us have appropriate self worth.

 

I am not saying she is actually playing you or that she is aware that is doing it if she is.

I am saying it works and you back down and let her get away with it instead of pushing harder.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: That was my first thought as well. Are you sure you're not just reading her break-downs through the window of your own experiences? Your father's intent is not your intent. Of course, you want to be gentle with the child you love. But, you are trying to be gentle so give yourself some slack. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for her interpretation. :grouphug:

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I don't know if your daughter falls into the "dreamer" personality type covered in this book. Even if she doesn't, though, I think a read from a library inter-loan or something would be worth it. The dreamer types covered are, genuinely, that sensitive and the book covers how to handle it. My son is like that along with the other traits mentioned.

 

Ok, that looks REALLY interesting! I'm ordering a copy...

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:grouphug: you're a good mom for trying to figure out how to make it all work.

 

could you try having her come up with several different potential solutions, and then have her pick one of them and try it for a week? i'd make sure she was clear that this is her responsibility, and while you are happy to help her, it is not your job to do it for her, or to remind her to do it.

 

things that help kids remember include:

- routine (ie. always doing it at the same time each day, and with a trigger for which you are responsible. eg. after lunch each day, all clean clothes get put away. the trigger is that they finish lunch, clear their places, set the timer for 15 minutes, and go and put away clean clothes. (and then other things in their room until the timer goes off). once you call them for lunch, all else should follow.)

- making sure its possible (ie. does she have a hamper for dirty clothes, enough hangers for clean clothes, and enough room for her clothes or is it time for a decluttering?)

 

good luck,

ann

 

hth,

ann

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First :grouphug: It can be frustrating.

 

Anxiety and disorganization are a huge part of ADD/HD. Both of my AD/HD kids are like your dd. Extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, and clothes everywhere! DD even told me last week that when her clothes are in her drawers, she forgets where they are. She isn't "playing you", they just need to "see" things in order to see them. Open storage bins/clear bins in a closet instead of a dresser might help. Ikea has some wire drawer rolling cart type systems that might work.

 

I have a house full of ADD people, 4/5 of my children, and I didn't learn this trick until 2 months ago when we moved into an apartment and my 15yo dd room wasn't big enough to fit a dresser. We had to get bins to use in the closet for her clothes (same with my boys). Low and behold, no clothes all over the floor! I wish that I'd known about this little gem many years ago, when my now 21yo was still at home and hanging his clothes on the floor :lol:

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My 9 year old ds cannot organize his stuff or time to save his life. Even with clearly marked bins, even with me (literally) holding his hand and showing him where things belong, he'll still have no clue the next time, EVEN though it's the same thing, same place.

 

AND he's over sensitive to any correction as well. And a perfectionist. Do an entire page of math correctly with a smile on his face and let the last two problems get tricky and he's a math failure the rest of the week. Spell one word wrong and he can't spell anything. Forget one thing and he doesn't know anything about that topic at all.

 

Get frustrated (because honestly it is exhausting reminding them and showing them the same thing over and over) and he's a "bad kid" who "can't do anything right' and "he wishes he were a new kid."

 

Reassure him that none of that is true and he feels better for the moment and then repeat the next day when I remind him for the millionth time that he needs to brush his teeth every morning. Or whatever.

 

FWIW my dh is incredibly sensitive. The kind of guy who believes every bodies problems or bad moods are his fault. Who also forgets really simple things and gets upset if I have to remind him for the umpteenth time. It doesn't help that I'm not sensitive, but I do get aggravated pretty easily.

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ok, didnt read every single post, but my older one used to be like this and it still comes up sometimes. I try really hard to just be totally patient and give totally cold, non-emotional, factual responses - like if she couldnt find her clothes, i might say "Why cant you find your clothes?" and if she gives a good answer or not, I'd say "I think you should put your clothes away now, and i bet by the time you are done, you'll find them"

 

Now, i dont always succeed. Today my son had one of those 'every single step of this math problem is wrong' moments and I finally lost it and yelled in frustration something like "OMG how can you not know how to add! you forgot this parenthesis thing last week, too! why cant you do your math today! OMG!" and i was just venting, but he (16!) was at the verge of tears. I HAVE to stay totally calm and just keep reminding him. Every single day I make him come back in the kitchen to put away things he left out, at least 2-3 times each day. Every morning I send him back upstairs to brush his teeth. Every evening I remind him to walk the dog. There is just no point in making a big stink. He is slowly getting better about some things, and then he'll get worse again.

 

I am rather the same way. I could not do fly-lady - i say i'm habit-impaired. I would work hard on bringing in a new cleaning habit, do well for a few weeks, and all of a sudden notice I had forgotten it for over a week and not even noticed.

 

and my three kids all responded totally differently to discipline. The oldest (dd) was usually harder on herself than I was, but if i threatened a discipline, she would immediately impose it herself, to take away my power. She was a huge challenge, but she's a great young lady, completely in charge of her life, got herself in to a college program she really likes, aggressively pursuing internships, she's just great! Ok, still stubborn, but thats ok

 

My middle one, at any discipline, would cry and ask if i didnt love him any more and say he deserved to die. Getting him on meds for mood disorder helped, and now he accepts punishments calmly, but is still a total space case

 

the youngest one is the most stubborn and challenging - he responds well to punishments, though. He's the only one for whom the threat of a punishment (and followup if needed) actually worked.

 

so i dont agree that every child just needs you to come down harder on them

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I don't know if your daughter falls into the "dreamer" personality type covered in this book. Even if she doesn't, though, I think a read from a library inter-loan or something would be worth it. The dreamer types covered are, genuinely, that sensitive and the book covers how to handle it. My son is like that along with the other traits mentioned.

 

I read the description of this book. That is DD To.A.TEE I hope this book can give us some insights on how to be better parents for her! Thank you for the link. I ordered it and should have it by Saturday.

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I highly recommend the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." It isn't specifically about sensitive kids, but give a lot of great advice for positive (or neutral) communication. For example, one idea from there is to post a sign to remind kids of something that they often forget (like a sign in her room saying "clothes belong in the drawer, not on the floor.")

 

In general, coming down harder is not going to make her less sensitive. As you said, it will make her shut down. There are a lot of ways to correct/remind your children that are not negative. It is not easy, especially if you were not raised that way! I am sensitive myself and I still have to work on phrasing things in such a way that the message gets across without sounding negative.

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Thanks for the advice and commiseration! I do try hard to be positive...but as sensitive as she is, she is very good at catching my underneath feelings.

 

I work hard to be neutral and non-emotional...but good grief!! How can you disguise that you are about to start banging your head against the wall at any moment?

 

She seems to get even more upset when she knows I am agitated but don't say anything.

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I totally understand. I don't think you have to hide your emotions, because that isn't really healthy either. Sometimes I say things like "I'm getting really frustrated!" I think that is fine. It is different from things like "Why do you always..." or "Why can't you..." It doesn't mean that a sensitive kid won't be bothered by someone else's frustration. But it is less likely to affect their self-image or shut them down.

 

It is tough living with sensitive people (even if you are one!). But there are also many positive sides. I think sensitive people are more likely to have empathy and can have very close relationships. So take time to appreciate the positive sides of sensitivity as well. :001_smile:

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I cannot fully say this is true since I am not there, but honestly, it sounds like she has less of an issue with her self worth and more of a way pushing your buttons.

 

We all have that one thing that will make us stop short. I think she has learned your trigger--- being treated like you were. Are you being overly critical? Are you making her feel like she is worthless? Probably not.

 

How long will this ploy work for her?

Would it work on a PS teacher?

Will it work on an employer?

Will it work on ANYONE but you?

 

Is your job to make her an adult, to be able to face the world and function in it.

.

 

My first thought too. She is SO playing you, I think.

 

It gets a guilty response from you, which is a win for her. Teens can be very manipulative.

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I can relate to this, but not as the parent. I've always been sensitive to correction from those I love. Mostly because I spend so much time beating myself up for my faults, failures, and shortcomings that to have someone else throw fuel on the fire is just too much.

 

It doesn't bother me as much when acquaintances or friends criticize, but my loved ones reduce me to tears easily. As I grow older, I'm getting better at telling them that I'm fully aware of the problem they've mentioned and I'm working on it, without getting as emotional. It still hurts though, and I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.

 

So there you have it, the flip side of the coin...

 

On another note, I've been reading Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It and finding it very helpful in phrasing things in my parenting. It's an easy read and worth the time. It's amazing how you can get the same results without the kids feeling criticized. It's more about helping them solve problems. It sounds like she recognizes the problem, but needs help implementing a solution.

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I can relate to this, but not as the parent. I've always been sensitive to correction from those I love. Mostly because I spend so much time beating myself up for my faults, failures, and shortcomings that to have someone else throw fuel on the fire is just too much.

 

It doesn't bother me as much when acquaintances or friends criticize, but my loved ones reduce me to tears easily. As I grow older, I'm getting better at telling them that I'm fully aware of the problem they've mentioned and I'm working on it, without getting as emotional. It still hurts though, and I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.

 

So there you have it, the flip side of the coin...

 

On another note, I've been reading Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It and finding it very helpful in phrasing things in my parenting. It's an easy read and worth the time. It's amazing how you can get the same results without the kids feeling criticized. It's more about helping them solve problems. It sounds like she recognizes the problem, but needs help implementing a solution.

 

I should probably read this. Thanks.

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I don't know if your daughter falls into the "dreamer" personality type covered in this book. Even if she doesn't, though, I think a read from a library inter-loan or something would be worth it. The dreamer types covered are, genuinely, that sensitive and the book covers how to handle it. My son is like that along with the other traits mentioned.

 

Thanks for sharing this book. I never buy e-books but I couldn't wait to read this book so I bought the download. What I've read so far is already so helpful!

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Anxiety and disorganization are a huge part of ADD/HD. Both of my AD/HD kids are like your dd. Extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, and clothes everywhere!

 

:iagree: My 11 year old takes meds for his ADHD, and he is SOOOO SENSITIVE to any correction. He immediately blames himself for being stupid whenever I make a correction. I've tried telling him that if he knew everything, school would just be review. Of course he doesn't know what I'm teaching before I teach it. He just can't handle making mistakes without feeling worthless.

 

I think just having ADHD and not feeling like you can really control yourself can take a real hit to your self esteem. I am concerned that my son's meds are contributing to the anxiety, so we have an appt. in a couple of weeks with a psychiatrist. It has gotten really bad in the last few months - maybe the hormones are contributing. Maybe the ADHD isn't well controlled, or maybe he needs to try a different med. I would definitely check with the doctor who manages your child's medication.

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Our dd was also very sensitive. Things that seemed to help or at least didn't make things worse were speaking in a calm neutral voice and lists. I made a list for her bedtime routine, and morning routine, and cleaning her room, etc. That helped because I would just ask her if she had done everything on the list. Then she could self correct or ask for help. That helped her take more ownership, even if I had to ask her several times if the list was done. Sometimes I needed to add something else (that seemed obvious) to the list for her to complete it well. Something seemed to click in our dd around age 14. She could complete tasks better and had more emotional control after that point. Above all keep the calm neutral voice, the problem solving vs.problem finding method of communication, the calm voice, and most of all a calm voice. :tongue_smilie: I didn't realize how much I was holding inside until she went to college. I so enjoy speaking my mind more clearly with my son. Ha!

 

I just want to add for encouragement that in all those years of being traumatized by anything that could be perceived as criticism, she is now in college majoring in writing and minoring in art. These are both areas that must be critiqued rather harshly to improve. She can handle it! I do believe that it was worth the effort in those many earlier years of being gentle in my words to give her time to get her emotional feet under her before we pushed her much at all. She finally grew up enough to push herself and push herself hard. ...Even though it took her about 17 years to get there. The main thing is that she got there and we still have a good relationship.

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I just want to add for encouragement that in all those years of being traumatized by anything that could be perceived as criticism, she is now in college majoring in writing and minoring in art. These are both areas that must be critiqued rather harshly to improve. She can handle it! I do believe that it was worth the effort in those many earlier years of being gentle in my words to give her time to get her emotional feet under her before we pushed her much at all. She finally grew up enough to push herself and push herself hard. ...Even though it took her about 17 years to get there. The main thing is that she got there and we still have a good relationship.

 

Thanks. This is encouraging. At 10 I see tiny glimpses.

 

I've thought about doing lists, but have not gotten around to making them. Now, I really need to make them and give it a try. More indirect, but explicit instruction will probably = less frustration on both of our parts.

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I had one who was much more sensitive and took things far more defensively than the others. It was difficult to tell her anything, especially during certain stages! I had to watch even the tone of my voice so carefully. For whatever reason, she took advice and criticism more easily from my husband. That was fine with me! That way she and I could keep a smooth relationship, but she was getting the parental advice, etc. that she needed.

 

Eventually she passed out of that, and she is a confident young woman who often asks for my honest advice.

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I just want to add for encouragement that in all those years of being traumatized by anything that could be perceived as criticism, she is now in college majoring in writing and minoring in art. These are both areas that must be critiqued rather harshly to improve. She can handle it! I do believe that it was worth the effort in those many earlier years of being gentle in my words to give her time to get her emotional feet under her before we pushed her much at all. She finally grew up enough to push herself and push herself hard. ...Even though it took her about 17 years to get there. The main thing is that she got there and we still have a good relationship.

 

OK, this actually made me cry. I so needed to hear that. I am normally a "push" person....push through it to the other side, you can take it, toughen up. I think, "She's just playing me, she needs to get over this." But then what I see in her face and in her eyes, my instinct says to be firm but gentle and and just give her more time to grow.

 

One of the main reasons I chose to homeschool was the idea you mentioned of "getting her emotional feet under her". I knew she needed that, I just forget it applies to so many areas with her.

 

Thank you for sharing this.

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I have really tried to assess that possibility. I don't think she is playing it, and I have tried to look at it as objectively as possible. There is something on her face and in her eyes. Also the fact that she is very much like her dad, and he says that is exactly the way he felt.

 

The times that I have pushed further have resulted in nothing accomplished AT ALL. There was once she kept saying she was sorry, so sorry, and I said, "I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to do what you are supposed to do." Another time she said, "I feel so bad about what I did." and I said, "Well, you should feel bad about it and you should change to do better." All that ever resulted was total shutdown.

 

I agree with everything you said about functioning in the adult world, and that is the way I deal with it and respond. But she seems to respond exactly the opposite, the further I push the more she shuts down.

 

:grouphug: I think it is very much a trait that goes hand in hand with ADD. My younger DS has ADD and we have the same struggles with him. DH says he's playing me, but I deal with this situation and ADD as well, so I get where DS is coming from.

 

We've changed diets to cut out processed foods as much as possible and whenever we get lax about it things get worse. Mostly it's just time and perseverance and to keep reminding him. Very slowly we're starting to see some progress here and there.

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OK, this actually made me cry. I so needed to hear that. I am normally a "push" person....push through it to the other side, you can take it, toughen up. I think, "She's just playing me, she needs to get over this." But then what I see in her face and in her eyes, my instinct says to be firm but gentle and and just give her more time to grow.

 

One of the main reasons I chose to homeschool was the idea you mentioned of "getting her emotional feet under her". I knew she needed that, I just forget it applies to so many areas with her.

 

Thank you for sharing this.

 

 

I think that because of this quote, that you are an amazing mom!! You are intuitive and sensitive to finding the underneath cause of the issue.

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I think that because of this quote, that you are an amazing mom!! You are intuitive and sensitive to finding the underneath cause of the issue.

 

:blush: Thanks for that...dealing with DD makes me feel clueless!

 

You guys rock. This board is awesome for support and advice.

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