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Gee. I'm So NOT Surprised.


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Back when we were picking up Bazinga from the airport, we stopped and had dinner w/Wolf's youngest sister...call her J.

 

Wolf let J know that he really wanted her to be a part of our family, to be in more contact, etc, etc, etc. She enthusiastically agreed, saying that she'd missed so much of the kids growing up, etc.

 

They made plans for J to join us for Thanksgiving.

 

Uh uh.

 

Well, Thanksgiving is Monday. I do dinner on Sun. Wolf's left several vm for her, I've emailed her...no response at all.

 

Guessing that she's not coming. Again.

 

I'm so sick and tired of this carp from his birth sibs. They're all great at SAYING things, but NONE of them flipping well follows through. And then *I* am the one left to comfort both my dh and my kids, who were all promised a visit that didn't happen.

 

I really hate this kind of thing. I wish Wolf would just give up trying w/these ppl, b/c they never follow through on their promises, and it's not worth the hurt that results.

 

*sigh*

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:grouphug:

 

This won't help with Wolf, but can you just not mention it to the kids? That's what I had to do with my sister; stop telling the kids she was coming over w/their cousins, because she'd never show and my boys would wonder why, be devastated, etc.

 

Didn't help my hurt, but at least I wasn't mopping tears off little boy faces and having to make excuses about how Aunt P really does love them, but.....

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:grouphug:

 

This won't help with Wolf, but can you just not mention it to the kids? That's what I had to do with my sister; stop telling the kids she was coming over w/their cousins, because she'd never show and my boys would wonder why, be devastated, etc.

 

Didn't help my hurt, but at least I wasn't mopping tears off little boy faces and having to make excuses about how Aunt P really does love them, but.....

 

So sorry Imp; that does stink. :grouphug: Reader's got good advice. However, I suspect Wolf was so excited about it that perhaps *he* was the one to tell the kids? That's hard. Maybe use this situation next time as an example to him of being careful to get the kids excited about a visit. You know, if there even IS a next time...

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:glare: That would upset me too. Follow-thru is so huge when establishing or re-establishing relationships.

that's the thing...I don't even know how to classify this. they weren't raised together, found ea other when she was in her mid teens, he was 30 or so...it's been sporadic, but J claims that she really, really wants to be involved w/our family...and then...nada.

:grouphug:

 

This won't help with Wolf, but can you just not mention it to the kids? That's what I had to do with my sister; stop telling the kids she was coming over w/their cousins, because she'd never show and my boys would wonder why, be devastated, etc.

 

Didn't help my hurt, but at least I wasn't mopping tears off little boy faces and having to make excuses about how Aunt P really does love them, but.....

She promised *to* the kids. When we were at dinner. So it's not us that's telling the kids, she promised them, to their faces.

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I always believe it when my sister starts talking about getting together. YEARS of going home to help my parents, and never once did she offer to take my children to get ice cream, play at her house, etc. so I could get things done with our parents. I always had to make the dates, figure the times, fix the meals at my parents' house, and invite them over. I just have no idea why she would be this way. I do, I guess, but I wish it weren't so.

 

So sorry for you, OP. I agree with other poster, to maybe not tell the kids.

 

You know best, but is there any chance, that her e-mail address has changed, and she might need more welcoming to come? Maybe if she heard directly from you? I always make excuses though, and do understand your pain. So very sorry.

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I always believe it when my sister starts talking about getting together. YEARS of going home to help my parents, and never once did she offer to take my children to get ice cream, play at her house, etc. so I could get things done with our parents. I always had to make the dates, figure the times, fix the meals at my parents' house, and invite them over. I just have no idea why she would be this way. I do, I guess, but I wish it weren't so.

 

So sorry for you, OP. I agree with other poster, to maybe not tell the kids.

 

You know best, but is there any chance, that her e-mail address has changed, and she might need more welcoming to come? Maybe if she heard directly from you? I always make excuses though, and do understand your pain. So very sorry.

Like I said in a prev answer, J herself promised to the kids. Not us passing it along, not them over hearing, she herself told the kids she'd be here for Thanksgiving.

 

And I have been the one to email, FB, etc on his behalf. It was honestly to the point where I felt *I* was making all the effort and demanded that Wolf let his sister know that HE wants to see her, that it's not just coming from his wife.

 

So, she knows that she's very wanted. The kids all swarm her and think she's wonderful. So, no, it's not mixed msgs of come here/stay away from anyone.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Maybe from now on, if Wolf wants to invite his siblings, he should just tell them that we'll be having dinner at x time on x day. And then if they show up it's a nice surprise, if not, it's sad but no promises were broken. (I always make enough to feed a small army, so people just showing up don't bother me on big days like this)

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that's the thing...I don't even know how to classify this. they weren't raised together, found ea other when she was in her mid teens, he was 30 or so...it's been sporadic, but J claims that she really, really wants to be involved w/our family...and then...nada.

 

She promised *to* the kids. When we were at dinner. So it's not us that's telling the kids, she promised them, to their faces.

 

Oh. That definitely stinks. I missed that part.

 

:grouphug:

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Maybe from now on, if Wolf wants to invite his siblings, he should just tell them that we'll be having dinner at x time on x day. And then if they show up it's a nice surprise, if not, it's sad but no promises were broken. (I always make enough to feed a small army, so people just showing up don't bother me on big days like this)

Thing is, Wolf was going to be driving her to and from (1.5 hrs ea way) b/c she doesn't have a car. So, w/out planning on our part, it wouldnt' happen, kwim?

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I'm sorry. :grouphug:

I know it hurts the kids especially. My I laws have not been to Virginia in 5 years. They drive right past us on their way to Florida, dh has offered to do the driving, buy train tix, they have been invited to visit us when we r in nj which is 20 minutes from their house, but no.

 

We have stopped telling the kids when we have extended N invitation to avoid the disappointment.

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Imp,

 

I don't know if this will help or not... Back when I was just getting started as a social worker, I worked with a wonderful counselor named Norma. The most profound insight she ever gave me into working with families was that many, many people really do not get the family they need.

 

We worked with troubled teens, in group home placement. Norma would go through the client histories with me... so sad! :crying: She said to me one day, when we were talking about the potential of one client, "____ has to accept that her mother has NEVER been and will NEVER be the mother she needed to have. If she can do that, and then mother herself, she will have an incredible life."

 

Not sure how this will come across... but I don't think I would comfort Wolf in this disappointment. I would let him handle it, maybe to the point of a change in his expectations.

 

Frustration is the distance between our expectations and our reality. When you can't change the reality of other people's choices (and you can't, can you?), the only thing you can change is your expectations. If Wolf's biofamily has never followed through, why hasn't he realigned his expectations to that reality?

 

:grouphug: I do believe that there is a part of every person that truly does need family to be ________ (fill in the blank with good stuff). Norma was right, though. We do not always get what we need from family members. When that happens, acceptance is the better part of wisdom and healing.

 

I wish you well in this, Imp.

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I have a different perspective then most. I think this is a great learning experience for your children that will prepare them in life for the many inconsistent people they are going to meet throughout their lives. When I was 7 one of my parents left. My parents were really young. The parent that left, I don't want to be disrespectful by saying which, would constantly call and say they were going to pick my brothers and I up. We would wait excitedly for hours and they would usually not show up. Later I learned their new partner was to blame but they still made the decision not to call and tell us they weren't going to make it. I have not suffered any permanent damage from this instead it has made me less sensitive to disappointment. That parent has changed completely and we have a great relationship. I don't think inconsistency/not showing up means someone doesn't love you. I think it usually points to a person who just doesn't have themselves together. Hugs to you!

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I think, for my part, the best I can do is offer him silence on this issue. If he wants to talk, I'll listen, but that's as far as it will go.

 

When/if there's a next time, I *will* make a point of ensuring that the children are not involved in any promises.

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Just a thought... I know he was not raised in his culture, but was J? Because what you are describing sounds to me like a misunderstanding of cultural communication. Not having been there for the conversation, I cannot tell what was meant one way or the other, but there are cultural nuances that Wolf may be missing and she may be assuming.

 

Or, I could be completely wrong. That's just the first thing that jumped out at me.

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Just a thought... I know he was not raised in his culture, but was J? Because what you are describing sounds to me like a misunderstanding of cultural communication. Not having been there for the conversation, I cannot tell what was meant one way or the other, but there are cultural nuances that Wolf may be missing and she may be assuming.

 

Or, I could be completely wrong. That's just the first thing that jumped out at me.

Nope. She bounced around foster care since she was a toddler until the sibs started finding ea other, and was taken out of FC by an older sister, who also wasn't raised in the culture.

 

She's told me in the past that she really wants to be a part of the family, but is lousy about keeping in contact, cause she's not used to *having* a family. So I made the effort. For the last several yrs. Only to have her not respond, not show, make plans and not even cancel, just not contact one way or the other...

 

I'm just kinda done w/trying. Wolf and the kids have been sooooooo excited about Aunt J coming. I'm not playing tug of war for someone's time/attention anymore. I'm dropping the rope and walking away.

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My opinion may not be popular, but why not just tell the kids that, while Aunt J is a nice woman, she's unreliable and flaky, and you can't trust her promises? She's nice and she's fun, but you can't count on her to keep her word. And make her into a lesson in how NOT to treat other people.

 

I don't think the kids need to have an "isn't she wonderful" attitude toward people just because, technically, they are family.

 

If the woman is a flake, let the kids know. If you're annoyed with her, let the kids know. If they're upset, let Wolf's sister know what she has done and tell her point blank that it will NOT be happening again.

 

I get it that Wolf wants a relationship with his sister, but if she's inconsiderate, selfish, and unreliable, perhaps inviting her to family holidays isn't a great idea.

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Her behavior makes a lot of sense in light of her childhood. It is hard to expect consistency from someone who has never experienced it themselves. Can't you just explain to your children what she has been through and how that has caused her to be the way she is. She may have fear of getting close to people. Anxiety may be part of why she keeps distant. When you are distant there is less chance of hurt. We can't protect our children from all hurt. It is a part of life. I think your sister in law needs compassion more then anything!

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My opinion may not be popular, but why not just tell the kids that, while Aunt J is a nice woman, she's unreliable and flaky, and you can't trust her promises? She's nice and she's fun, but you can't count on her to keep her word. And make her into a lesson in how NOT to treat other people.

 

I don't think the kids need to have an "isn't she wonderful" attitude toward people just because, technically, they are family.

 

If the woman is a flake, let the kids know. If you're annoyed with her, let the kids know. If they're upset, let Wolf's sister know what she has done and tell her point blank that it will NOT be happening again.

 

I get it that Wolf wants a relationship with his sister, but if she's inconsiderate, selfish, and unreliable, perhaps inviting her to family holidays isn't a great idea.

We've only ever had 1 holiday w/a family member, Wolf's youngest bro was at a Christmas before Tazzie was born. So the idea that family would be at a holiday was very exciting and meant a lot to Wolf.

Her behavior makes a lot of sense in light of her childhood. It is hard to expect consistency from someone who has never experienced it themselves. Can't you just explain to your children what she has been through and how that has caused her to be the way she is. She may have fear of getting close to people. Anxiety may be part of why she keeps distant. When you are distant there is less chance of hurt. We can't protect our children from all hurt. It is a part of life. I think your sister in law needs compassion more then anything!

I agree, to a point. This woman is almost 30 yrs old. There comes a point where you use basic manners, and at least let ppl know yes or no, not leave them hanging, ignore msgs, etc.

 

I honestly don't like the idea of excusing rude behaviour based on childhood trauma. You can't continue to excuse or make excuses based on what happened when you were a kid. (this coming from someone that was abused, was in foster care, was in domestic violence situations, so I *do* know the challenges involved).

 

I *have* said things like, "Aunt J isn't used to having brothers, or nieces or nephews..." but that only washes so far, kwim?

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I honestly don't like the idea of excusing rude behaviour based on childhood trauma. You can't continue to excuse or make excuses based on what happened when you were a kid. (this coming from someone that was abused, was in foster care, was in domestic violence situations, so I *do* know the challenges involved).

 

I *have* said things like, "Aunt J isn't used to having brothers, or nieces or nephews..." but that only washes so far, kwim?

 

But what I'm suggesting is that you can say more than that. Your kids will survive. I'm not saying that you should tell the kids that Aunt J is a horrible person, but I don't think it's wrong for them to hear the basic truth about her.

 

There is no excuse for her poor behavior. None. You don't make promises (especially to kids!) and then flake out on them. Everyone knows that. It's not some secret politeness rule that only people who grew up in happy families understands. It's part of basic, everyday life.

 

I feel badly for Wolf, because he wants his sister to be part of his life, and I can understand why he would be very disappointed, but I think both he and the kids need to absolutely, positively face the fact that you can't believe Aunt J's promises. She probably means them when she says them, but then she forgets all about them or flakes out when she gets a better offer.

 

I don't think it's necessary to shield kids from this stuff. They need to know how to deal with that type of person, because they will meet a lot of them in their lives. It's so important for kids to learn at an early age, how to deal with people who are like Aunt J, because if they don't, they will be often be disappointed or hurt.

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I hear you, Cat.

 

What I've said to the kids, when they've asked if J is still coming is, "I don't know. Daddy's called her, and we haven't heard back from her, so probably not."

 

Which prompts the response: "But, she PROMISED!"

 

To which my answer has generally been, "I know, and I'm sorry. That's why Mommy says that when you make a promise, you have to keep it, b/c if you broke your promise, you'd make someone feel the way you do right now...and it sucks, doesn't it?"

 

I dunno if that's the right way to deal w/it or not. At first Wolf was unhappy w/what I was saying, and I flat out asked him, what SHOULD I be saying? Lie to them? Tell them the truth? I mean, wth DO you say? I'm not the one making J look bad, I'm simply agreeing w/the kids about the reality of the situation.

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I think you're saying exactly the right thing, Imp. What does Wolf think you should say? If you act like Aunt J is Auntie Perfect, the kids will blame themselves when she doesn't keep her promises, thinking that if they were better or more fun, she would want to see them.

 

I think the blame needs to go squarely on Aunt J, and I think you're doing it in a way that doesn't make her look like Satan, but that is clear about her lack of ability to keep a promise.

 

I can't imagine that you should be nicer about it. If anything, I would be somewhat harsher. I can't stand it when people hurt a kid's feelings. I'm not saying that J does it intentionally, but it's still happening. I think Wolf should call her out on it and see what she says, or else she will keep doing it.

 

She sounds very immature and self-centered, and these aren't exactly qualities we want our kids to emulate, so I think you need to be honest with the kids about her. She's nice, but you can't count on her.

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Her behavior makes a lot of sense in light of her childhood. It is hard to expect consistency from someone who has never experienced it themselves. Can't you just explain to your children what she has been through and how that has caused her to be the way she is. She may have fear of getting close to people. Anxiety may be part of why she keeps distant. When you are distant there is less chance of hurt. We can't protect our children from all hurt. It is a part of life. I think your sister in law needs compassion more then anything!

 

It's all well and good to say that she had a tough childhood -- and it's certainly unfortunate that she did, but she is an adult now, and she doesn't get a Free Pass for Life entitling her to exhibit poor behavior forever, just because she had it rough as a kid.

 

She doesn't sound anxious or fearful; she sounds like she gets excited about things, speaks before she thinks, and bails on her promises if she gets a better offer. I don't think she deserves any more compassion than any other adult who breaks promises and hurts other people's feelings as a result.

 

Maybe I'm just mean, but Wolf's sister sounds like she needs to grow up and keep her promises, not be shown compassion for her inconsiderate behavior. She will never change the way she acts, if she keeps getting away with it.

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I had no idea Canadian's Thanksgiving is so much earlier than the US - it makes sense. Have a wonderful holiday and hug those who are there. Say a prayer for those who aren't. I am sorry your kids are hurting. It is confusing when adults act irresponsible.

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