I feel so selfish - please validate or vindicate me!

[Slipper]

My husband has a good friend (we'll call him Friend) that he's known for about 20 years. Friend is bi-polar (severely) and receives disability. He also works, but not a lot (basically he works as much as he can that doesn't affect his disability - he relies on medical benefits significantly). He lives independently but his family checks in on him frequently.

 

He also does yard work for us and receives $240 a month. We have a lot of acreage and he mows the yard, trims bushes, etc. Originally, we had planned for him and one other person to do our yardwork (and they would split the money). They planned to come over every other Sunday morning, work, and then hang out for the rest of the day (my husband has a group of friends over every other Sunday afternoon). After a month, the other person backed out so Friend started coming over on Saturday to get everything done by Sunday afternoon. Somehow, it then moved to where he came after work on Friday and stayed the week-end. (We have a guest house).

 

Friend eats a lot. He is not overweight but is a big guy. His medication also makes him hungry. We eat special diets here and honestly, we eat well. We spend a lot on food. Friend eats with us when he's here. We also make sure the guest house is kept comfortably cool (we have window units since the house is older and poorly insulated).

 

Honestly, I've been looking forward to the end of summer since the yard work would be finished and we would save $240 a month. Plus, we probably spend another $50 - 75 between utilities and food per month on him. Additionally, due to the house being poorly insulated, heating the house is horrifically expensive (when we lived there, it was around $500 and up each month). It will be expensive to heat for comfort even for just six days a month.

 

A few days ago, DH mentioned that he had asked Friend to keep working during the winter (same rate of pay) to do odd jobs around the property (moving things, helping electrical work, carpentry/construction). These are things that need to be done, but are not emergency projects. I would rather some of these had been done during the summer, even if we paid him extra for it (since he was already here eating and using utilities). And, these projects will cost us more money since they will involve purchasing materials and supplies.

 

We are comfortable, but we are not that comfortable (financially). I'm trying to think of some middle ground for a compromise, but I can't think of anything. I don't want him here during the winter. He's nice, helpful, carries in my groceries, plays with the girls, etc. (But the girls are tired of him being around so much as well). Recently, Friend lost his job which makes this decision harder. DH told me that Friend sometimes only eats sandwiches for all of his meals since he hasn't enough money. He thinks we should continue our arrangement. I think that Friend has family and they should look after him. (They are on good terms).

 

I'm conflicted. I hate to be selfish, but I'm tired of him always here, all week-end, every other week-end. I guess this is more of a vent than anything else...

[StephanieZ]

You are being selfish. Your dh has a generous heart. Follow him on this, and you won't regret it. It is only two weekends a month. Plan away from home activities for you and your kids some of those days if you really want less face time.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can really understand your feelings. And yet I can understand your husband's point of view too. I think that your dh was very unwise and inconsiderate to not talk all this over with you before talking to his friend.

[JenC3]

I would compromise with dh and say one weekend a month. I would also just be tired of always having company.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

i think you are being wise.

 

its important for families to have "just family" time. when husbands and fathers work outside the home, weekends become precious.

 

do your dh's friends come every other sunday year round? if so, then maybe Friend can come just on the sundays when you've already lost family time.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

ps. you listed reasons, including cost, food, etc, but my hunch is that if you really liked this Friend, those reasons wouldn't matter so much. i would journal my little heart out until i was really sure i understood all my concerns, then i'd share those with dh.

[celticmom]

I can really understand your feelings. And yet I can understand your husband's point of view too. I think that your dh was very unwise and inconsiderate to not talk all this over with you before talking to his friend.

 

:iagree:

[besroma]

I would compromise with dh and say one weekend a month. I would also just be tired of always having company.

 

Or two weekends a month, or for eight more weekends (then maybe he will be gone during the coldest months)

[celticmom]

I would compromise with dh and say one weekend a month. I would also just be tired of always having company.

 

:iagree:

[MollyAnn]

I would probably feel the exactly same way as you do if put in a similar situation. However, this is one those times in life where you just have to suck it up and do the right thing.

[EmilyK]

I would be really tired of the company too. I think you should try to separate the issues (at least that would help my discussions with my husband):

 

-- costs

-- space invasion

-- feeling of need to support Friend

and whatever else.

 

Personally -- but your balance could be totally different -- I would say to my husband that I needed him to stay and eat with us much less -- that I didn't mind hiring him but I didn't want him spending so much time with our family. But the space invasion part is the bit that would bother me most in your story. That and the fact my husband didn't discuss with me first.

[NotSoObvious]

Sorry, but I don't think you are being selfish AT ALL. I also don't understand why this wasn't a joint decision.

 

It sounds like it's spiraled out of control and it probably won't be easy to fix it.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Perhaps I'm not as compassionate as others, but I also know my limits. Find yours and set them!

[Impish]

Honestly, I'd agree w/you.

 

I don't like having ppl around on a regular basis, outside of those I married and birthed. I'd genuinely feel miserable w/another person around more than not, esp b/c wknds are when we have our family time. I'd feel resentful that our family time had a tag a long.

 

Now, if there was a way to seperate the two...that he stayed, did the work, but wasn't joining you for meals, that would be easier to take.

 

Is that possible? To have more boundaries in terms of when he's 'visiting' you guys, instead of being constantly there?

 

I'm also the one that does the budget. I'd be pointing out to dh how much more it would cost for the little bit of help. The heating costs, etc.

 

I'd offer to have him over for supper a cpl of times a month, but NO employment, and NO staying over. That would be the most I'd compromise.

[Jenny in Florida]

I would compromise with dh and say one weekend a month. I would also just be tired of always having company.

 

I was thinking something similar. Can you suggest that he come only half as often?

[Scarlett]

I can really understand your feelings. And yet I can understand your husband's point of view too. I think that your dh was very unwise and inconsiderate to not talk all this over with you before talking to his friend.

 

:iagree:

[DusksAngel]

I don't think you are being selfish. It's nice of you and your husband to help him but it is not your responsibility. I know it feels good to be able to help someone out, but that doesn't mean you need to "adopt" them. Help out as you BOTH feel comfortable, no more.

[JenC3]

I would probably feel the exactly same way as you do if put in a similar situation. However, this is one those times in life where you just have to suck it up and do the right thing.

 

I think she has already. I would need a break. They should not be teh only ones helping this person. I'm not suggesting she just cut him off, but we all have limits. Better to do it with a giving heart rather than a resentful one. This could cause problems for she and her dh and the kids.

[speedmom4]

I think she has already. I would need a break. They should not be teh only ones helping this person. I'm not suggesting she just cut him off, but we all have limits. Better to do it with a giving heart rather than a resentful one. This could cause problems for she and her dh and the kids.

 

:iagree:

 

Elise in NC

[Slipper]

I could compromise to one week-end a month. When Friend is over, DH spends a lot of time with him. To be fair, they include the kids in games, walks through the woods, etc quite a bit. I feel a bit like Cinderella doing the cooking and cleaning.

 

I like projects and arrangements that have a definite stopping point. I can see Friend coming over every other week-end for years - no end in sight. DH does like to be generous but it's annoying at times. He bought a trombone last year from someone who was selling it because they needed money. None of us play the trombone. It just sits in storage. Things like that drive me nuts. The projects he wants to do are minor and weren't even on my "radar" of things to get fixed.

 

I can't leave to go anywhere for the week-end because we're really busy. The week-ends are clean up, planning and cooking.

 

Thanks for ALL the replies. I'm reading and thinking about them all.

[TXMomof4]

I would talk to dh but honestly, in the end I'd suck it up. Plan less involved meals. Have dh take him to Denny's. This is one of those situations where we always say it isn't my respnsibility, but it is the right thing to do. If it isn't *hurting* financially (taking food from your kids) this man obviously needs help and isn't just asking for money. Does he really work for the money?

I completely understand the irritation with him being around so much. Dh and I let a friend live with us when he split with his wife. We were very young, newly married and I was terribly impatient. I wanted my own space and him gone. I was not terribly nice about it. That friend still thanks us for that help even now 16 years later. I wish I'd been more gracious and kind.

[JenC3]

When Friend is over, DH spends a lot of time with him. To be fair, they include the kids in games, walks through the woods, etc quite a bit. I feel a bit like Cinderella doing the cooking and cleaning.

 

This is my concern for you. Hope you and your dh can work out a plan that's good for everyone. I'll bet you haven't told him how you feel about losing time with just "him."

[mybluesky]

Maybe your dh hasn't thought about the heating costs. Perhaps a compromise would be to ask the friend to come during the day only Saturday and Sunday due to the fact that heating the guest house would be so expensive. Or even to go back to only Sundays? Maybe helping him out is the right thing to do, but maybe there are ways to do it that are not as intrusive to you or your family time.

[5of5]

While he no longer has his day (?) job, maybe he can come during the week to do the odd jobs. This would free up your weekends. I’m not sure why he had to stay over, though. Is it because it is a very far drive to get to your place? If he comes during the week and doesn’t stay over, that would mean you wouldn’t have to cook for him as well.

[Slipper]

When he stays over, he's eating at our house three times a day. We have one daughter with Celiac Disease who is very underweight. We eat high fat, high quality, gluten free items. A typical breakfast would be gluten free pancakes, eggs, bacon, grits, fruit/yogurt. We eat sandwiches for lunch but she can only eat Boar's head lunchmeat without getting sick. (The cost is about $8 - 10 a lb so I usually spend $25 on lunchmeat alone for the week-end). Dinner is typically a meat, veggie and starch with a dessert. I always make soup on Sunday since he has about five friends over and I do feed them while they are here. (Soup isn't too hard since I sometimes quadruple it and freeze the extra - I just take it from the freezer and throw in a crock pot).

 

He lives about an hour away. That's why he stays over. The work right now takes two days to complete (it's too hot during the daytime for him to mow, although it's getting better closer to fall). I think part of him coming for the week-end is also because he enjoys spending time with DH. He has few friends and his fiancee broke off their wedding about a year ago so he isn't dating yet.

[Aggie]

My husband has a good friend (we'll call him Friend) that he's known for about 20 years. Friend is bi-polar (severely) and receives disability. He also works, but not a lot (basically he works as much as he can that doesn't affect his disability - he relies on medical benefits significantly). He lives independently but his family checks in on him frequently.

 

He also does yard work for us and receives $240 a month. We have a lot of acreage and he mows the yard, trims bushes, etc. Originally, we had planned for him and one other person to do our yardwork (and they would split the money). They planned to come over every other Sunday morning, work, and then hang out for the rest of the day (my husband has a group of friends over every other Sunday afternoon). After a month, the other person backed out so Friend started coming over on Saturday to get everything done by Sunday afternoon. Somehow, it then moved to where he came after work on Friday and stayed the week-end. (We have a guest house).

 

Friend eats a lot. He is not overweight but is a big guy. His medication also makes him hungry. We eat special diets here and honestly, we eat well. We spend a lot on food. Friend eats with us when he's here. We also make sure the guest house is kept comfortably cool (we have window units since the house is older and poorly insulated).

 

Honestly, I've been looking forward to the end of summer since the yard work would be finished and we would save $240 a month. Plus, we probably spend another $50 - 75 between utilities and food per month on him. Additionally, due to the house being poorly insulated, heating the house is horrifically expensive (when we lived there, it was around $500 and up each month). It will be expensive to heat for comfort even for just six days a month.

 

A few days ago, DH mentioned that he had asked Friend to keep working during the winter (same rate of pay) to do odd jobs around the property (moving things, helping electrical work, carpentry/construction). These are things that need to be done, but are not emergency projects. I would rather some of these had been done during the summer, even if we paid him extra for it (since he was already here eating and using utilities). And, these projects will cost us more money since they will involve purchasing materials and supplies.

 

We are comfortable, but we are not that comfortable (financially). I'm trying to think of some middle ground for a compromise, but I can't think of anything. I don't want him here during the winter. He's nice, helpful, carries in my groceries, plays with the girls, etc. (But the girls are tired of him being around so much as well). Recently, Friend lost his job which makes this decision harder. DH told me that Friend sometimes only eats sandwiches for all of his meals since he hasn't enough money. He thinks we should continue our arrangement. I think that Friend has family and they should look after him. (They are on good terms).

 

I'm conflicted. I hate to be selfish, but I'm tired of him always here, all week-end, every other week-end. I guess this is more of a vent than anything else...

 

This is something I would take seriously.

[Harriet Vane]

Not selfish at all.

 

This should have been a joint decision.

 

An hour away is not that far. Friend can come to do the work and then go sleep at home. Once a month is a more than fair compromise.

 

Friend is a friend, not another child or spouse or member of the family. I would take seriously yours and your daughters' desire to have him over less.

[LBS]

Wow, you are not selfish, and have gone above and beyond with your generosity already. I guard family time very carefully, and meal time is important. I'd say have him for two DAYS a month, so he gets fed well for a day at a time, but not have him stay in the guest house, for whole weekends. Heating and cooling that place is not part of the deal, nor are the meals, when you're paying him for work. If it were a job, it would not be so. You would only supply room and board as part of the payment. Its hard is this is where your husband chooses to be generous, but did not consult with you first. Also, once you have established this generosity, you will likely not be able to take it away, I'm thinking. Even if you end up having him for a whole weekend at a time, I would establish some kind of understanding: you offer to pay him for the additional work he is doing, but take a "cost" for the room and board out of that. You may break even, but it is understood. I guess I'd worry that soon he'll be there full time, not working, getting fed, etc. Getting the whole deal on the table would be important to me.

[TN Mama]

I can really understand your feelings. And yet I can understand your husband's point of view too. I think that your dh was very unwise and inconsiderate to not talk all this over with you before talking to his friend.

 

:iagree: I would be most upset over the bolded.

[Mrs Mungo]

I could compromise to one week-end a month. When Friend is over, DH spends a lot of time with him. To be fair, they include the kids in games, walks through the woods, etc quite a bit. I feel a bit like Cinderella doing the cooking and cleaning.

 

I can definitely understand that. I would explain *this* to your dh. If he wants to continue this arrangement, then *he* needs to help you with the extra cooking and cleaning that is a direct result of his decision. It's one thing to support and help a friend in need. It's another thing to put the burden mostly on your wife. I would suggest cutting down on number the weekends he spends at your place and your dh helping more with the cooking and cleaning versus hanging out with his friend who is supposed to be there to work.

[Cera]

Why not find a middle ground? Have him work for you one weekend a month. He still earns a little money and gets to see your family but you get more space (and will hopefully not wind up resenting him).

[Ottakee]

I totally see your point but hope you can come to some sort of a compromise. As the parent of kids with mental illness, I think of what a great ministry you have to this man. Many people with mental illness are without friends and family support (sometimes due to their own behavior, other times other issues).

 

Maybe once a month would work out.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I can really understand your feelings. And yet I can understand your husband's point of view too. I think that your dh was very unwise and inconsiderate to not talk all this over with you before talking to his friend.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think you're being selfish. You're feeling neglected, mostly because your husband just made the decision and acted on it without talking to about it and it does affect your entire family.

 

Talk to your husband. Explain that you understand why he did what he did but by leaving you out of the decision it FEELS like Friend is more important. Be sure to add to this that you're sure that's not what your husband was aiming for but it was the result, nonetheless. Maybe you can then say, "Let's figure out some sort of compromise on this now but in the future can we please talk these ideas through before acting on them?"

 

HTH!

[bolt.]

I would have a good heart-to-heart with your husband about the personal impact that this arrangement is having on you. It matters, and your DH sounds so kind hearted that he wouldn't dream of doing this knowing that it was hard on you.

 

In your position I'd suggest:

- It's OK to 'hire' him as a way of helping him in his time of need

- It's not OK to have him stay in the guest house for perpetual weekend overnighting... that was a short term arrangement and you can't sustain that level of shared life with a mere friend over the long haul.

- It's not OK for work time and social time to be so blended, as a worker, he needs to act like a worker.

- It's not OK for DH to focus on showing Friend all his love and compassion while you are feeling lonely. Some of those hours are family hours, some are couple's hours, and only *some* of them are for social ministry to the needy. You expect him to make intentional choices, based on his actual priorities in his relationships -- not knee jerk responses to the mere presence of his friend. It's different to have hubby/daddy in a group situation vs a family-only situation. He can't 'kill two birds with one stone' in this area of life.

- Clearly face the full cost of having him there: (a) paying him, (b) feeding him, © project costs that wouldn't have been on the radar except as 'make work' projects... valid and useful, but not strictly nessisary, (and, if it continues, [d] guest house overnight costs). Make sure that the *whole* cost of your support rendered to this man has a clear bottom line, and you consider whether you can afford to be that generous or not.

- Clearly state that you do not think it was right of him to make the offer to Friend and tell you after the fact -- that you expected to have this conversation first, and that you feel you deserve an apology. Joint decisions show respect. Unilateral decisions show contempt. You have a right to have feelings about not just the situation, but the fact that he completely thought through the situation and reached his own conclusion without even having a thought that you needed to be consulted.

[Harriet Vane]

I would have a good heart-to-heart with your husband about the personal impact that this arrangement is having on you. It matters, and your DH sounds so kind hearted that he wouldn't dream of doing this knowing that it was hard on you.

 

In your position I'd suggest:

- It's OK to 'hire' him as a way of helping him in his time of need

- It's not OK to have him stay in the guest house for perpetual weekend overnighting... that was a short term arrangement and you can't sustain that level of shared life with a mere friend over the long haul.

- It's not OK for work time and social time to be so blended, as a worker, he needs to act like a worker.

- It's not OK for DH to focus on showing Friend all his love and compassion while you are feeling lonely. Some of those hours are family hours, some are couple's hours, and only *some* of them are for social ministry to the needy. You expect him to make intentional choices, based on his actual priorities in his relationships -- not knee jerk responses to the mere presence of his friend. It's different to have hubby/daddy in a group situation vs a family-only situation. He can't 'kill two birds with one stone' in this area of life.

- Clearly face the full cost of having him there: (a) paying him, (b) feeding him, © project costs that wouldn't have been on the radar except as 'make work' projects... valid and useful, but not strictly nessisary, (and, if it continues, [d] guest house overnight costs). Make sure that the *whole* cost of your support rendered to this man has a clear bottom line, and you consider whether you can afford to be that generous or not.

- Clearly state that you do not think it was right of him to make the offer to Friend and tell you after the fact -- that you expected to have this conversation first, and that you feel you deserve an apology. Joint decisions show respect. Unilateral decisions show contempt. You have a right to have feelings about not just the situation, but the fact that he completely thought through the situation and reached his own conclusion without even having a thought that you needed to be consulted.

 

Really well said. :iagree:

[Zebra]

I don't think you're being selfish. Some guy who's not a part of your family being around all the time is annoying. Your home should be your sanctuary.

 

I think you should talk to DH, and DH should have asked you before he did this. I also think there should be a limit to your generosity. I think you should be allowed to have the winter off, or just have this guy over one weekend a month.

[Catwoman]

I don't understand why people are suggesting that you have to basically "suck it up and do the right thing." :confused:

 

This guy is a family friend and you have already gone well above and beyond the call of duty to help him. If you want to continue to help him out, that's up to you, but it is certainly not an obligation.

 

I think it's unfortunate that anyone would try to make you feel guilty about wanting time with your own family and not wanting a guest around all the time. This guy is not part of your family -- and even if he was, I would still say that you weren't obligated to provide him with a steady income.

[Elizabeth in MN]

While I don't think you're being selfish I do think you're being unkind.

 

A two hour round trip drive is expensive with gas prices these days, and I bet Friend has an old beater with horrible gas mileage.

 

This is what I would do - have Friend come over Sunday after your worship time (if you do that), or around the time all the other friends come over. Then let him spend the night. On Monday he can do one of the projects and then go home. You and your husband need to sit down and come up with a list of projects that need working on. One of those project, come Springtime, needs to be better insulation for the guest house.

 

As for the trombone, sell it on eBay and give the money as a winter holiday of choice gift to Friend.

 

In all honesty, would you love your husband as much as you do now if he didn't have this loving and proactive attitude?

Edited October 3, 2012 by Elizabeth in MN
spelling

[Nestof3]

I can understand not wanting company that often and feeling tired about entertaining and providing meals -- just being on so much when you are enjoying your off time.

 

If you were not providing meals and lodging, I would say it doesn't sound like he is being paid enough.

 

I'm sorry for your situation. Since this is something uour husband wants to do so much, I think he should be helping you out, though.

[Slipper]

I can understand not wanting company that often and feeling tired about entertaining and providing meals -- just being on so much when you are enjoying your off time.

 

If you were not providing meals and lodging, I would say it doesn't sound like he is being paid enough.

 

I'm sorry for your situation. Since this is something uour husband wants to do so much, I think he should be helping you out, though.

 

He works 4 - 5 hours on Sat and again on Sun. The rest of the day he isn't working. We're paying roughly $12 - 15 per hour.

[Nestof3]

He works 4 - 5 hours on Sat and again on Sun. The rest of the day he isn't working. We're paying roughly $12 - 15 per hour.

 

Sorry. I imagined it being longer than that by the description of what he was doing. Since it's probably net pay anyway, you're right -- it sounds fine.

[KungFuPanda]

Your DHs heart is in the right place, but his generosity is HIS generosity. I'd agree to one of these weekends a month as usual, but tell DH, that the second weekend is all on him. Seriously, when it's DH's turn, commit to making ONE meal a day, then do what you need to do (laundry, lesson planning, activities with the kids, etc) and let your DH cope with the remaining two meals, prepping for friends, readying the guest house, washing guest linens, or whatever else needs to be done.

 

If he's willing to do this, I'd work around it, and maybe even declare these school days so your true days off can be guest-free. However, if he's unwilling to walk the walk . . .

[Trish]

One weekend a month is plenty. Since when is "the right thing" for this guy the same as "the right thing" for the family, which should take precedence over his needs?

[JFJ in IL]

:

This is what I would do - have Friend come over Sunday after your worship time (if you do that), or around the time all the other friends come over. Then let him spend the night. On Monday he can do one of the projects and then go home. You and your husband need to sit down and come up with a list of projects that need working one. One of those project, come Springtime, needs to be better insulation for the guest house.

:iagree:

That sounds like a good compromise and a very kind gesture for your family to make while your friend is struggling. Hope you and your hubby can work this out!