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K, it probably sounds silly for me to complain about being overwhelmed and overworked while reading and writing on a message board, but I honestly do feel overwhelmed and need some encouragement. Here is what is going on:

 

*I'm homeschooling my sons (7, 5, and 4) this year.

*I'm a doula with an average of one client each month; I've been working to build this business for the past three years.

*We're in the process of buying a fixer house, which takes WAY more time than I was expecting (and will continue to do so probably until the new year, even though we're having a contractor do the actual work).

*Due to a long, complicated church situation, I just took on the role of liturgist/music directress. DH and I both feel that it is the right thing to do, even though it feels crazy to add anything more.

*DH and I are in marriage counseling (for about 15 months now) to work on some fairly serious problems. It is getting better, I think, but oh-my-the-stress.

 

So with all of that I'm just finding that I am ALWAYS dropping balls. If we have a great school morning and dinner is on the table, the chores didn't get done. If I have a client meeting and clean the bathroom, I can't seem to get dinner on the table. If the kids decide to be ornery for some reason, good luck getting ANYTHING done!! (That's how it feels, anyway!)

 

DH isn't mean about it, but he does notice the lack of food on the table, or a dirty bathroom, or STUFF all over the house, and wishes it were different. He has even suggested getting a house cleaner to come in, and while I totally appreciate his thought, I also look at the budget and feel like we should put that money elsewhere. Besides, I SHOULD be able to do all this, right? If I just worked harder? And yet somehow I just keep running out of hours.

 

I've taken to staying up far too late because that is the only time I feel like I can actually just sit in the silence, and I covet that space. But then it is SO hard to get out of bed in the morning...

 

I guess I'm just feeling like I have too many hats, feeling run down, and wondering why I'm homeschooling because that is the straw that seems to have broken this camel's back.

 

Off to bed now. Thanks for listening.

Emily

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:grouphug:

 

I am sorry. I have gone through times of incredible busyness in my life and they aren't fun and many balls do get dropped. For the sake of focusing on your marriage, might I suggest that you pass something off and use the word "no" a lot until your issues are resolved? You have a husband who is willing to go to counseling and work things out. This is a gift (I know several women who are married to men who refuse). There is a time to accept that our lives get busy, but could it be that this is not one of them? Just my initial thoughts.

:grouphug:

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Are you sure you know how much a housekeeper would cost? Check Craig's List. I clean houses part time for extra income, and I really and truly think it is an incredible value for my clients. I am giving them more time, essentially, to spend with their families. One option might be to start out having a housekeeper come every other week instead of every week. Twice a month at my rate would be $120. Imagine not having to do ANY deep cleaning...carpets vacuumed, floors mopped, toilets scrubbed, tubs cleaned, windows washed. I think that goes a long way to giving you room to breathe, and honestly, having a clean house produces a huge psychological effect.

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:grouphug:

 

I think you have WAY too much on your plate. Homeschooling is a full-time job. On top of that you are working outside the home part-time and doing church work part-time. Those add up to a full-time job. Essentially, you have (at least) 2 full-time jobs. Does your husband understand this? Does he pick up the slack?

 

On top of all that you have serious stress in your marriage. PLUS, a fixer-upper house! No wonder you're stressed. My best advice to you is find some things to take off your plate. You may need to prioritize and let go of things that are good so that your life can be better.

 

I hope you find some peace!

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

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Do you have family nearby that would be willing to help out here and there?

 

Or it may be cheaper to hire someone to watch the boys for a couple of hours so you can get stuff done around the house?

 

Do the boys help out? The oldest two can definitely pick stuff up and put away. The oldest could have the job of keeping the bathroom clean - wiping out the sink and wiping up the floor, for example.

 

Is it reasonable to have a client every other month instead of monthly? This could be temporary then you can go back to monthly.

 

On days you have client meetings, I would use the crockpot - then dinner will be all ready for you without any work. You can also premake some meals and freeze them for the week. Frozen dinner rolls are also awesome! I spray a muffin tin with cooking spray mid-morning, drop a frozen roll in each cup and they are ready for baking by dinner time!

 

Just some ideas....

Edited by MissKNG
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There is no way you can do everything on your plate and do it well every day. What you described is similar to my reality, and from what I've seen it's the reality of many others here. I either have a good day with school or a clean house, but rarely both at the same time. Dinner is hit-or-miss, but DH helps out with that when he comes home.

 

Don't beat yourself up. :grouphug:

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Honestly, I could've written your post (minus the doula and church job). It is overwhelming.

 

I have assigned my kids more chores to do (which has helped) and given my husband a 'honey do' list (dry erase board on the refrigerator) that he slowly accomplishes. I'm slowly hammering out a routine.

 

Do you have family nearby? I'd go ahead and look at what a housekeeper would cost. We have someone come in 3 hours a week and it's a lifesaver (and not that expensive).

 

All the best.

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K, it probably sounds silly for me to complain about being overwhelmed and overworked while reading and writing on a message board, but I honestly do feel overwhelmed and need some encouragement. Here is what is going on:

 

*I'm homeschooling my sons (7, 5, and 4) this year.

*I'm a doula with an average of one client each month; I've been working to build this business for the past three years.

*We're in the process of buying a fixer house, which takes WAY more time than I was expecting (and will continue to do so probably until the new year, even though we're having a contractor do the actual work).

*Due to a long, complicated church situation, I just took on the role of liturgist/music directress. DH and I both feel that it is the right thing to do, even though it feels crazy to add anything more.

*DH and I are in marriage counseling (for about 15 months now) to work on some fairly serious problems. It is getting better, I think, but oh-my-the-stress.

 

So with all of that I'm just finding that I am ALWAYS dropping balls. If we have a great school morning and dinner is on the table, the chores didn't get done. If I have a client meeting and clean the bathroom, I can't seem to get dinner on the table. If the kids decide to be ornery for some reason, good luck getting ANYTHING done!! (That's how it feels, anyway!)

 

DH isn't mean about it, but he does notice the lack of food on the table, or a dirty bathroom, or STUFF all over the house, and wishes it were different. He has even suggested getting a house cleaner to come in, and while I totally appreciate his thought, I also look at the budget and feel like we should put that money elsewhere.

 

It sounds to me like you have a LOT on your plate.

 

Besides, I SHOULD be able to do all this, right? If I just worked harder? And yet somehow I just keep running out of hours.

 

No. You *cannot* do *everything*. I know a few business owner moms, a couple of those homeschool and a couple don't, but *most* have housekeepers, in my experience.

 

I've taken to staying up far too late because that is the only time I feel like I can actually just sit in the silence, and I covet that space. But then it is SO hard to get out of bed in the morning...

 

I guess I'm just feeling like I have too many hats, feeling run down, and wondering why I'm homeschooling because that is the straw that seems to have broken this camel's back.

 

Hm, I guess it depends on the priorities for your family. Homeschooling is a priority for us. So, I would give up a business or cleaning the house myself or volunteering before I gave up on homeschooling. But, at some point? Something has to give because all of us have a saturation point.

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I'm in a totally different situation, but I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed. When I get like this, I force myself to take a break long enough to calm down and really assess needs and priorities. If I get away from the feeling that I need to be scrambling to do "something" RIGHT NOW, I find that my list of truly essential imminent priorities is usually manageable. Then I take a breath and get back to it.

 

I hope you can find some help so you can get back on track. Can someone take your kids for a field trip to a museum or something, so you can have a long chunk of time to yourself?

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I empathize. I work part time, am (supposed to be) redoing our church's website, homeschooling 2, and we moved recently and there is more than I expected to do around the house and land.

 

that said, I am beginning to find a balance. I have begun a "relaxed homeschooling thread" to help me and others find encouragement to stay "rigorous" while staying relaxed internally. the boys help with chores. i am learning to let things go a little (not a lot!) and try and enjoy each moment.

 

I think you need to let your church obligations go. Are you finding time to exercise?

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Honestly? I would drop the church thing. It is a great thing to do, but I feel like it may make you sacrifice the great (your time with your spouse and kids as well as mess with you emotionally cause you CAN'T do all you are attempting to do well) for the good. You can help out a messy church situation when you are done with your own couseling stuff (awesome you're doing that by the way). Obviously we have no idea what the issues for teh counseling are but tons of stress and no time are probably not going to help. I feel pretty strongly about margins in life and I just think you are attempting to do way too many things well and they just will not all be done well. So I personally would drop some things in order to do a few things well.

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DH isn't mean about it, but he does notice the lack of food on the table, or a dirty bathroom, or STUFF all over the house, and wishes it were different. He has even suggested getting a house cleaner to come in, and while I totally appreciate his thought, I also look at the budget and feel like we should put that money elsewhere. Besides, I SHOULD be able to do all this, right? If I just worked harder? And yet somehow I just keep running out of hours.

 

Emily

 

To the bolded: Absolutely NOT.

 

Your full time job is homeschooling your kids. On top of that, you have to be a Mom, too. Add in the husband, the house, THEN the 2nd job as a Doula, and the church and you've got a recipe for disaster. You've got too much on your plate.

 

You don't say how your husband helps out. Does he do ANY of the chores or cooking? Because I've got to say...unless he's bedridden he is just as capable as you of cleaning the bathroom or tossing some pasta in a pot to get supper on the table. You can assign some smaller chores to your children, but IME training them and making sure it's done takes longer than doing it yourself, so that can maybe wait for another 6 months or so when you've got some breathing room.

 

If it were me, I'd lose the church gig, slow down the Doula gig and concentrate on family and home. Marriage, Mom, school, and then house in that order.

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*I'm homeschooling my sons (7, 5, and 4) this year.

*I'm a doula with an average of one client each month; I've been working to build this business for the past three years.

*We're in the process of buying a fixer house, which takes WAY more time than I was expecting (and will continue to do so probably until the new year, even though we're having a contractor do the actual work).

*Due to a long, complicated church situation, I just took on the role of liturgist/music directress. DH and I both feel that it is the right thing to do, even though it feels crazy to add anything more.

*DH and I are in marriage counseling (for about 15 months now) to work on some fairly serious problems. It is getting better, I think, but oh-my-the-stress.

 

So with all of that I'm just finding that I am ALWAYS dropping balls. If we have a great school morning and dinner is on the table, the chores didn't get done. If I have a client meeting and clean the bathroom, I can't seem to get dinner on the table. If the kids decide to be ornery for some reason, good luck getting ANYTHING done!! (That's how it feels, anyway!)

 

DH isn't mean about it, but he does notice the lack of food on the table, or a dirty bathroom, or STUFF all over the house, and wishes it were different. He has even suggested getting a house cleaner to come in, and while I totally appreciate his thought, I also look at the budget and feel like we should put that money elsewhere. Besides, I SHOULD be able to do all this, right? If I just worked harder?

Emily

 

Are you kidding me? Just reading your post was exhausting. You have THREE YOUNG BOYS. That alone is exhausting. But you are also homeschooling them. And you are working. And you are fixing up a house (long time landlord -that alone is a full time job). AND you are a music director in your church. AND you are in marriage counseling.

 

Your husband needs to step it up in these years while the kids are young. Yeah, he has a full time job, I'm presuming, but you have like 4 of them, and those kids are his too. My husband often cleaned, cooked, or whatever was necessary as soon as he got home when my kids were little. You are only one person and parenting is a two person job.

 

If he wants to save the money, he should do it. If money is not that much of an issue, you should hire the cleaner. Both of you could maybe do a little cooking on the weekends to have a few things ready, or pull out that crockpot.

 

It's a very tiring time, and it won't always be this way. Besides, if your husband steps it up really unselfishly right now, I'm betting that will go a long way to improve the marriage right there.

 

It's a tough time. Really. Go easy on yourself.

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I had a year like yours last year. I think it will go down as one of my worst years ever. I kept saying to myself that if someone in my family were to die, I would never forgive myself for how busy I was. This year started the same way and I have recently (as in this last weekend) said NO and removed myself from a few situations. It was heartbreaking, but I know that it is best for my family. They come first. There is a point that I think we all need to accept that as homeschoolers, some things will fall through the cracks and need to not be so hard on ourselves. At the point you are at (because I think it's where I've been) you must re-prioritize. :grouphug::grouphug:

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I have found in my own experience that I can do a few things really well or a lot of things half a**ed.

 

If I were in your shoes my top priorities would be husband, children, and home. Once I got into a habit of doing those three things really, really well...meaning that my marriage was solid, my dc were getting educated well daily, and I had some system for maintaining the cleanliness of my home (whether that be hiring someone or getting the family on board with a cleaning routine) and health of my family (that means providing good nourishing food throughout the day and making sure that no one has to go scrounging for a healthy dinner.)...then I would look at adding in a supplemental income. If I could still continue doing the first three solidly plus be an excellent doula then I would consider myself successful and learn to say no to any other obligations.

 

If you stretch yourself too thin no one is getting your best.

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You are wearing too many hats. It comes down to priorities. Since we can't do everything we want to do, sometimes something has to give. I gave up a childbirth education business when I found I couldn't do any of my jobs well and wasn't getting the joy from this that I used to (due to not being able to give it the attention it deserved.) My stress levels went down and the other areas of my life improved. I am still not a perfect housekeeper and we don't have perfect school days, but we are functioning much better.

 

Life is like a smorgasbord... just because there are so many great things out there doesn't mean we have to do them all. A lesson my son learned today ... he had to drop his project-based learning history club because he found he was stretched too thin.

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No, you shouldn't be able to do all of this well. :groupghug: From the outside I would get the housecleaner weekly or twice a month and drop the church job and focus on your marriage and family.

 

This.

 

IMHO, you ought to drop the church job and focus on your family. Service starts in the home and when the family is un-healthy, what we give to others isn't all that it could be and actually can be damaging.

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I'm with the others who say drop the church thing. Are you agreeing to it (in part) because you know dh feels it's the right thing to do? Obviously we don't know your church situation. Maybe you could tell them you can only do this until they find a permanent person, and they need to do so before a certain date after which time you can't do it anymore.

 

The house part must be so stressful but at least there will eventually be an end to it.

 

The doula business, you mentioned you've been working on it for three years...to what end? How many clients do you hope to have and how will that work with the family life you have chosen? Something to think about, it would be hard in your current situation to ever be able to take on more clients.

 

Is it really homeschooling the broke the straw? Or is it easiest to give up so therefore easiest to blame? Is your dh supportive of homeschooling?

 

I hope none of this sounds harsh, just throwing out ideas. You are doing too much! Take care of your family and nourish those kids!

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