Do your kids "punish" you for leaving?

[KrissiK]

I went on a lovely women's retreat this weekend with my church. I was gone from Friday night till early Sunday afternoon. Today... oldest daughter was horrible. Actually, horrible doesn't even begin to describe it. And my second ds was pretty bad, too. These are my two clingiest kids. By the end of the day I felt like throwing up, I had the worst head ache and I was trying to have a phone conversation with a friend and I couldn't even talk straight. GF heard DD in the background and she commented, "Yeah, she's punishing you for leaving this weekend!" I'm not going to stop going to women's retreats, but I can't take much more of this.

[Tohru]

I don't think punishing - more of a reaction because they felt abandoned...especially if you're the primary caregiver and always around and suddenly you're not available.

 

We've been dealing with that around here and it is hard. :grouphug:

The only remedy seems to be lots of hugs and special time to reconnect.

[IsabelC]

For smaller kids, this is fairly normal behavior that demonstrates their attachment to you. They're not consciously punishing you, but more trying (not necessarily effectively!) to fill up on the mama connection that they missed while you were away.

Edited October 2, 2012 by Hotdrink

[kitten18]

For smaller kids, this is fairly normal behavior that demonstrates their attachment to you. They're not consciously punishing you, but more trying (not necessarily effectively!) to fill up on the mama connection that they missed while you were away.

:iagree:

 

 

I am going away this weekend and I don't think it will be a problem here. The kids will be with DH and he is the "fun one" and I'm the "heavy" :glare: so I'm pretty sure they will be thrilled that I'm gone.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Sorry that happened to you....even moms deserve a little time away! At some point kids need to learn that a time of refreshing is vital in order for mom to be the best parent she can be.

 

Maybe next time come up with a fun thing to look forward to when you come home.

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't think punishing - more of a reaction because they felt abandoned...especially if you're the primary caregiver and always around and suddenly you're not available.

 

We've been dealing with that around here and it is hard. :grouphug:

The only remedy seems to be lots of hugs and special time to reconnect.

 

:iagree: From kids' point of view it's scary and confusing when mom goes away. Of course they don't understand that mommy needs a break. They are children and naturally immature. Immature means they do NOT think or react as adults. You cannot explain to a child that mommy needs to be away because they then think, "Why does Mommy need a break from me? Does she not love me? Does she not want to be with me? Did I do something wrong?" That is normal.

 

I agree that planning something extra fun and special upon your return is a great idea. Really hype it up before you leave. "I can't wait to get home and bake those cookies with you. Let's get letter cookie cutters and spell out our names with cookies."

 

Talk about how you will miss them while you are away and you'll be thinking about them.

 

If they ask why you are leaving simply state, Sometimes Mommy has to leave for a little bit but I will be home soon and then we will (fill in activity)."

 

You can also talk up how much fun they will have with the person they are staying with.

[Laura Corin]

What kind of horrible? Where they acting out to get attention? I'd be tempted to have a family love day after you've been away - just concentrate on being totally there for them that day, not on schedules or lessons.

 

Laura

[Chris in VA]

I don't think ALL kids feel abandoned, scared or confused when Mom is away.

 

That's a big load to put on moms who have a super-strong attachment to their kids--they may feel so uncomfortable with the very thought of their kids suffering this way that they NEVER leave, or, if they do, they feel guilty the whole time--"Oh my BABIES! HOW COULD I HAVE HURT YOU SOOO MUCH?? I'M SO SELFISH!" :glare:

 

I don't think that's healthy for anyone.

 

But saying that there must be something wrong with the kid who can't let mom go, or maybe is displeased that she left is wrong, too. Geez, we get slammed for leaving (Abandoning!!) and slammed for staying (They're too dependent! Warping!).

[elegantlion]

No, if I went away and he was with dh, they had a party. Fun things to eat, falling asleep in the living room in front of the TV, stuff like that.

 

If dh and I went away, he would go to my parents. My mom is his best buddy. I remember calling once thinking he would be missing us, he groaned when I told him we would be back the next day.

 

When he was much younger we would always talk about why I was leaving, exactly when I would be back, and I would give him a responsibility while I was gone, taking care of the pets usually. But we've left him with my parents (our babysitters for a long time) since he was very young. He's also seen what transpires if mommy doesn't get a break once in a while, and no one likes that.

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't think ALL kids feel abandoned, scared or confused when Mom is away.

 

That's a big load to put on moms who have a super-strong attachment to their kids--they may feel so uncomfortable with the very thought of their kids suffering this way that they NEVER leave, or, if they do, they feel guilty the whole time--"Oh my BABIES! HOW COULD I HAVE HURT YOU SOOO MUCH?? I'M SO SELFISH!" :glare:

 

I don't think that's healthy for anyone.

 

But saying that there must be something wrong with the kid who can't let mom go, or maybe is displeased that she left is wrong, too. Geez, we get slammed for leaving (Abandoning!!) and slammed for staying (They're too dependent! Warping!).

 

 

I am not saying a mom who leaves for awhile is abandoning her kids. However, a young child may not understand why adults need a break. That doesn't mean mom can't leave or has to feel guilty. It simply means that adults and kids have different maturity levels and mom can think of ways to reassure her kids that it is okay for mommy to leave sometimes (or regularly) because she will reconnect (for lack of a better word) when she's back.

 

This is not a ****ed if you do, ****ed if you don't. It's simply a part of being a parent in making sure that everyone has their needs met as best as possible.

[Kathryn]

One day I hope to find out what they would do. :D

[GailV]

For smaller kids, this is fairly normal behavior that demonstrates their attachment to you. They're not consciously punishing you, but more trying (not necessarily effectively!) to fill up on the mama connection that they missed while you were away.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, now that you're home, it's SAFE to be upset. I have one who would *pretend* to be perfectly okay while I'm away, but as soon I'm home she would drop the act and let the tears/crankiness flow. She felt like she had to *act* a certain way for other people, but she could reveal her true feelings around me.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: it may not be so helpful to frame it as being "punishing".

 

it may be all the attachment things others have mentioned.

 

it may also just be reintegrating someone into a family "system" that was other-than-usual over the weekend. they need to retest boundaries, re-check ways of interacting, etc, etc. and we need to get things back to the way we like them, too.

 

my dh travels a lot, and goes thru some version of reintegration regularly. we can count on saturday mornings being pretty unpleasant. (it used to be all day). we have talked about it, and worked on skills to get around it. what works for us, when its dh we are reintegrating, is "parallel play" ... if they watch david attenborough together the night he gets home and the next night, if they go for a walk together outside, etc, etc, then saturday morning is much better. but that is when he plans family activities, like cleaning out the garage ; ), that moves it from parallel play to giving direction, and then all that boundary-setting stuff kicks in.

 

for me, reintegration works best if we slide right back into our routine, which includes reading at breakfast. with me, its more that i'm away when i'm sick, so sometimes doing a craft together helps, too.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[KidsHappen]

My youngest two are heartbroken when I go away without them but I think that is mostly due to the fact that they didn't go with.

[Murphy101]

:001_huh:Your OLDEST two, as in the FOURTH and THIRD graders?

 

Um no. I think they are old enough for you to tell them to knock it off. It's very selfish of them and I'd tell them so. They are old enough to understand how much they enjoy getting to go do something special fun just for themselves or to hang out with their friends. And they are old enough to be told mom should be able to enjoy that once in a great while too, likely a LOT less than them. I'd pull them aside and give them a talking to about how I bet they wouldn't like it if they felt punished when they came home from camp or whatever.

 

That's awful when your kids/dh make you feel that way. I have and would say something to nip it. That way next time, everyone will have a better attitude.:grouphug:

[KrissiK]

:001_huh:Your OLDEST two, as in the FOURTH and THIRD graders?

 

Um no. I think they are old enough for you to tell them to knock it off. It's very selfish of them and I'd tell them so. They are old enough to understand how much they enjoy getting to go do something special fun just for themselves or to hang out with their friends. And they are old enough to be told mom should be able to enjoy that once in a great while too, likely a LOT less than them. I'd pull them aside and give them a talking to about how I bet they wouldn't like it if they felt punished when they came home from camp or whatever.

 

That's awful when your kids/dh make you feel that way. I have and would say something to nip it. That way next time, everyone will have a better attitude.:grouphug:

 

No, it was my third grade boy (he struggles, too, when dh goes away on business, occasionally) and my dd who's 6 and she struggles a lot with fears. She internalizes things and holds on to them and she was the one who was just a terror, although we did have a resolved ending to our day, so that was good. It was no surprise it was those two. My other three were fine.

[Murphy101]

I'm really surprised so many seem to accept this as par for the course even in older children.

 

Of course I understand that they miss us and we would make it fun for them while gone and have some extra fun being with them either before or after we left, but I would be very upset if my older kids treated me like that. I understand a 6 year old doesn't really get it, but even then they are capable of understanding that moms like to go have fun sometimes too.

 

That's awful to feel punished. I've had that feeling a few times. And I don't chalk it up to just missing mom and let it go. I yell out for everyone to assemble pronto and I air my grievance and we discuss how it should change, how they likely know they are making me feel like poo and it's just not right or nice. Problem resolved most of the time and usually a quiet reminder to be kind is all that's necessary to avoid it happening again. At least for a long time anyways.;)

 

I absolutely HATE that punished feeling and I would not want to bother leaving if that's what I came home to. It just wouldn't be worth it to me.:(

[Murphy101]

No, it was my third grade boy (he struggles, too, when dh goes away on business, occasionally) and my dd who's 6 and she struggles a lot with fears. She internalizes things and holds on to them and she was the one who was just a terror, although we did have a resolved ending to our day, so that was good. It was no surprise it was those two. My other three were fine.

 

Ohhh

Sorry I misread your sig and thought your oldest was the daughter.

 

Yay for resolution! Hope it doesn't happen again on your next retreat!:)

[KrissiK]

Ohhh

Sorry I misread your sig and thought your oldest was the daughter.

 

Yay for resolution! Hope it doesn't happen again on your next retreat!:)

 

Thanks. I really think the problem was that I was totally blindsided with this. When (yes, when) I go away again I will be prepared for this happening and hopefully be able to deal with it better. I just thought they were being awful because it was Monday and we'd just come off a week break and then my gf's mentioned it was because I'd been gone and it was like, "ohhhhhh!"

[Starr]

It's not just that you were gone. Your being gone puts changes their schedule, sleep etc. I learned to reduce my expectations, like are they alive. :D Plan on a fun day when you get back and don't try to get things done, talk on the phone or see your friends. Have food planned before you leave. It will get easier when they get older. I only went on one retreat a year. I imagine if one was gone more it would be different.

[KungFuPanda]

::sigh:: EVERYTHING comes at a price, doesn't it. Honestly, I think it can have a lot to do with people not liking change and, in my experience, kids can be MORE set in their ways than old people. They become accustomed to a certain level of 'service' that is simply not provided when you are gone. After 3 days of Daddy cutting the sandwich wrong and doing bedtime in the wrong order they can get downright cantankerous! It's not usually because they are terrified little waifs who feel abandoned and forgotten.

 

I think it's just normal for some personalities, especially when the kids are very young. If they are approaching middle-school age and still acting this way it 'might' be time to talk to them about how there ARE other people in the world and they'll SOMETIMES have to consider the needs and happiness of these other people even if it's Mom and even if it conflicts with what they want right now.

 

I also think, the more independent the kids become, and the more control they have over their own environment, the less likely you're absence is to rattle their world SO much that they melt when you return. Would it help to feel flattered by the attention? When they're teens they'll barely acknowledge that you left or came back :-/