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2 month separation from your DH, would you freak out?


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ETA: and military wives are a special breed of awesome. I've been honest that I'd never even consider marrying into the military. I know I'd hate it.

 

This military wife didn't marry into it. :D My dh had gotten out of the Army by the time we met. It was only after we'd been married for a few years and had two children that he got back into it, and the Reserve component. Less than a year later, his unit was mobilized and I was alone with two small children.

Was it ideal? Heck no. I was sad. Did I have a choice? No. So what did I do? Made the best of it.

 

I had many friends who said, "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that."

I always answered the same way, "You do what you have to do. Of course you COULD do it. What choice do you have?"

 

We've spent almost 4 years apart in 12 years. The longest period we went without seeing each other was 8 weeks. It was hard, I won't lie. But I always knew how good we had it. We were able to talk (most) every day. He didn't miss the birth of our children. He wasn't being shot at. It could have been far more difficult.

 

 

He's home now. I pray that it'll continue that way. I rather like spending time with him. :D

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He's going ahead of us, this is a long distance move, from one side of the US to the other. I'm staying back to arrange the movers, the transport stuff etc., someone has to be here live and in person for all of that stuff.

 

I think it has a lot of positive aspects, I'm happy that he won't have to deal with all the detail small stuff, I can do all of that.

 

There will be enough errand and misc. to keep me busy besides the everyday issues of learning and all of that.

 

It'll be kinda neat too that I can hear his impressions of this place we are headed off too, I admit I'm insanely curious about the culture and area.

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:iagree:

 

When dh travels, I'm on vacation. He's never been gone for 2 months though...

 

This to a point. I tend to go into a different mode when DH is not around as I don't have to be a wife, just a Mom. We eat somewhat more casually, play more games, do more crafting, etc.

 

Altho 2 months is longer than we ever had to be separated, it's doable with an end in site.

Plan some fun stuff with your kids, keep busy. Try to find some time for yourself and a girlfriend maybe.

 

You can do it!

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I grew up military. Married a distinctly non-military guy. But he's originally from Turkey and through a strange turn of events I am living in Turkey with our daughter while HE is living in the US. Is it hard? Yes, but not nearly as hard as my mom had it. We Skype at least once a day, call each other every morning and every evening, at least. When Dad was at sea we were lucky to get one or two letters in a deployment (6 months).

 

How do I manage? Like others have said, I put my big-girl panties on and just do it. Do I cry? Sometimes. Do I pull myself together and keep going. Yes. This is how it needs to be for now.

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I would be horrified. My sisters do not live nearby, my mom is old, and I don't have friends I can rely on or hang out with. It would be me and a six year old boy 24 hours per day.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I would survive.

 

ETA- my dh works evenings so it is my son and I alone a good part of the time. Many times on his off mornings and days he works another job. Every night I fix my sons and I a good healthy supper. So for me there would be no slacking of meals, laundry or cleaning. I couldn't live like that, evn for a couple of days much less a couple of months. But the couple of times a week my dh can take dh for just a couple of hours saves my sanity. If I didn't have that it would not be good. And a few minutes of phone conversations per day would do nothing to help me. My boy needs his daddy daily, that is for sure. Might be different if I had a different type child, or if I had friends here.

Edited by momtoamiracle
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Planning is the key to everything - for me anyways.

We'd plan communication routes, times, etc.

 

I will say that it would be harder with young children who may wonder why Dad is gone. Two month may well be a year to them. But now, there is Skype. Perhaps your dh can email each child separately. The kids may like this.

 

You should have some time after kiddos are in bed or early in the morning to have some way of communicating with him without kids around. Is he going to be in a different time zone? That always throws me off.

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Hm, just like the people who say, "oh, I could never homeschool/have x number of kids/stay at home all day?" :lol: I think military families just learn to function differently.

 

No. I never thought those other things. I have never ever appreciated being alone and having the entire family raising dumped on me. Ever.

 

This military wife didn't marry into it. :D My dh had gotten out of the Army by the time we met. It was only after we'd been married for a few years and had two children that he got back into it, and the Reserve component. Less than a year later, his unit was mobilized and I was alone with two small children.

Was it ideal? Heck no. I was sad. Did I have a choice? No. So what did I do? Made the best of it.

 

Unless my dh was drafted against his will (which will not happen bc he is dusqualified for medical reasons) I'd be furious and it would do serious damage to our marriage. Saying it would be hard for me to accept him deciding to do that is a huge understatement.

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2 months would seem like a walk in the park after the last deployment. However, I will say this: The last one was the worst one. The kids were older and had LOTS more questions. I was not as good about passing long the communication from their father (dh) to them. He emailed directly with our oldest, but the younger two didn't have email. Our youngest kept saying, "Dad is dead. I think Daddy is dead" over and over again. One day that she said it I just lost it and cried til my toenails hurt. I kept telling her everyday that he wasn't dead, but, truly,....I was guessing and hoping. He could have been and then for the rest of her life it would be, "my mom lied to me about the most important thing ever".

 

I withdrew from my friends. I shouldn't have, but I did. I was depressed and didn't realize it. Keep a good support system and use them! Don't withdraw, even if you want to. I just kinda' tucked inside myself and let no one in. :grouphug:

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No. I never thought those other things.

 

I'm not suggesting you thought those other things. I'm saying that we consistently see people complain about people saying things like "oh, I could never homeschool" or "thank goodness I don't have that many kids, I couldn't stand it!"

 

I have never ever appreciated being alone and having the entire family raising dumped on me. Ever.

 

I don't perceive it that way. Probably because my dh is so general supportive and helpful, even when he's gone. Probably because even though I have never had family nearby, I am extremely capable. Probably because I manage to make my own family every time we move of people who help me and are there for me, despite having no blood or marriage bond between us. It forces one to be more resourceful in every meaning of that word. I'm never "alone," even when he's away. Because he is there for me. We email, he calls, we Skype. Yes, those things are different than having him here to help, but they do mean that I'm not *alone* in this.

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He's going ahead of us, this is a long distance move, from one side of the US to the other. I'm staying back to arrange the movers, the transport stuff etc., someone has to be here live and in person for all of that stuff.

 

I think it has a lot of positive aspects, I'm happy that he won't have to deal with all the detail small stuff, I can do all of that.

 

There will be enough errand and misc. to keep me busy besides the everyday issues of learning and all of that.

 

It'll be kinda neat too that I can hear his impressions of this place we are headed off too, I admit I'm insanely curious about the culture and area.

 

You will be so busy, the time will fly by. In the evenings, watch chick flicks and eat all the things your DH doesn't like. Aside from having my "grocery picker upper" and "garbage taker outer" gone, I kind of find life a little simpler when DH is gone. He's not here getting the kids riled up when I'm trying to get them calmed down in the evening, we only have to worry about our schedule instead of trying to coordinate our schedule around his schedule, and I can call him in the evening (when he's stateside) when I'm ready and able to talk to him, instead of having one.more.person wanting my attention when I've got 300 gazillion other things going on - either physically or mentally.

 

ETA: That's not to say that I LIKE it when he's gone, but honestly, it is simpler in some ways.

Edited by fraidycat
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He's going ahead of us, this is a long distance move, from one side of the US to the other. I'm staying back to arrange the movers, the transport stuff etc., someone has to be here live and in person for all of that stuff.

 

This is what would be hard for me. I hate dealing with stuff like that. :glare:

 

I would be very curious to hear my dh's impressions of the new place though. It sounds like you'll be fine. You have plenty to do, with an end in sight.

 

I miss dh when he is gone, but I would never classify it as freaking out. :lol:

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:glare:

 

Someone wanted to hold hands today in the grocery store or else a fit was looming like a 2 year old...

 

ps: It was me being all Joe Codependent, get a load of that! :lol:

 

There'll be a three hour time difference with him ahead of us, he'll be East of us...so that'll work out nicely.

 

I'm not saying anything, but..uh..the sleeping issue should be interesting, I might be in for some good rest here. We'll see. I'm going to make a list later of good traveling cookies to send out to him.

 

I'm thinking I should go hide his reds in his duds so he doesn't take them and have a laundry disaster or something..:D

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I'd just get through it, but that's my personality. I'm very in-the-moment and not at all needy. I'd probably use the time to do a project, or visit my parents. I'm sure I'd miss him, especially at night, but I'd get through and be excited about his return. I know there would be bad days, but it would also be a chance to do things he doesn't really like and get them out of the way.

 

I really should add that my 'baby' is twelve, so I wouldn't be stuck at home with little kids.

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Well I'm about to find out just how difficult it is. DH is taking a job on the other side of the country and the kids and I will stay here and sell the house. I'm estimating it will take a year to sell and get down there. He used to travel quite a bit and I didn't mind that much but it was 2-3 weeks at a time. I think I'm more concerned with doing all the house selling stuff than him being gone.

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First marriage: No, it wouldn't bother me. It was easier when he was away.

 

Second marriage: I was ok if he was away, but he did so much (earlier on) for and with the family that I understood (finally) wives who didn't like when their partner was away.

 

I have learned (decided?) that I am not made to live with other adults, so living together with another adult is not going to be an option for me again.

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2 months would seem like a walk in the park after the last deployment. However, I will say this: The last one was the worst one. The kids were older and had LOTS more questions. I was not as good about passing long the communication from their father (dh) to them. He emailed directly with our oldest, but the younger two didn't have email. Our youngest kept saying, "Dad is dead. I think Daddy is dead" over and over again. One day that she said it I just lost it and cried til my toenails hurt. I kept telling her everyday that he wasn't dead, but, truly,....I was guessing and hoping. He could have been and then for the rest of her life it would be, "my mom lied to me about the most important thing ever".

 

I withdrew from my friends. I shouldn't have, but I did. I was depressed and didn't realize it. Keep a good support system and use them! Don't withdraw, even if you want to. I just kinda' tucked inside myself and let no one in. :grouphug:

 

:crying:That just sucks every which way.:crying:

 

And I agree, it is much harder when they are older.

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I wouldn't and don't freak. I'm completely capable of holding down the fort indefinitely should I need to. I have friends, tho none with large families like mine. So they will gladly help out in a pinch even if they do momentarily get deer in headlights look when I ask.:tongue_smilie:

 

That's not the issue for me/us.

 

It's like I'm missing a limb when he is gone. Sure I can manage without and sure I pull my big girl undies on and just do what needs done.

 

But something vital is missing and we feel the loss every single day. For a short time, it's okay. You just focus on when it won't be like that anymore. But if it's been a long time and it starts to feel like the new norm is to live your daily life with a vital piece missing? That gets very hard to accept in any positive manner.

 

2 months while dh transfers the family?

 

I could do that no problem. It's be stressful bc of all the packing and home showing and such, but exciting in a way too. It would go fast I bet.

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I'd be very sad and once I got over being sad, I'd do what I did as a kid. I'd frame the situation in an ongoing novel in my head (I was an only child :D). I'd think about him being a sea captain, off at sea, or a pioneer, scouting out the claim before we got there.

 

My imagination has gotten me through many stressful times. I hope that's not too weird :blush:.

Oh,do that too. I have ongoing novels ALL THE TIME. I thought I was the only one.:D

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That's a deal breaker for me. There has to be an alternative or I'll make an alternative. I made that very clear before we married. When we first married, my dh was doing some trucking. It was nearly all short haul, but there were a few where he was gone two or three days. He understood that those longer ones couldn't be a regular occurrence and he stuck to his word on that. Together, we worked to make an alternative to the trucking as a source of income.

 

All respect to Mrs. Mungo and other military wives, but FOR ME I soundly resolved never to marry anyone in the military, and firmly hold that if my spouse joined the military, that, too, would be a deal breaker.

 

I was a military kid. My dad came back from a deployment. I was very young -- not yet in school -- but, as much as the adults liked to say that "the kids are young, they won't even remember" they were blowing smoke out their heinies. I never forgot what happened, what we and my mom went through. I would never let that happen to me again, nor will I ever take even the slightest chance of inflicting that on my kid. It just ain't happening. Ever.

Edited by Audrey
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That's a deal breaker for me. There has to be an alternative or I'll make an alternative. I made that very clear before we married. When we first married, my dh was doing some trucking. It was nearly all short haul, but there were a few where he was gone two or three days. He understood that those longer ones couldn't be a regular occurrence and he stuck to his word on that. Together, we worked to make an alternative to the trucking as a source of income.

 

All respect to Mrs. Mungo and other military wives, but FOR ME I soundly resolved never to marry anyone in the military, and firmly hold that if my spouse joined the military, that, too, would be a deal breaker.

 

I was a military kid. My dad came back from a deployment. I was very young -- not yet in school -- but, as much as the adults liked to say that "the kids are young, they won't even remember" they were blowing smoke out their heinies. I never forgot what happened, what we and my mom went through. I would never let that happen to me again, nor will I ever take even the slightest chance of inflicting that on my kid. It just ain't happening. Ever.

:hurray: I am so glad to hear a Canadian say that!.

My DH and his whole Canadian family think me soft in the head over having such a hard time with DH being gone.

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That's a deal breaker for me. There has to be an alternative or I'll make an alternative. I made that very clear before we married. When we first married, my dh was doing some trucking. It was nearly all short haul, but there were a few where he was gone two or three days. He understood that those longer ones couldn't be a regular occurrence and he stuck to his word on that. Together, we worked to make an alternative to the trucking as a source of income.

 

All respect to Mrs. Mungo and other military wives, but FOR ME I soundly resolved never to marry anyone in the military, and firmly hold that if my spouse joined the military, that, too, would be a deal breaker.

 

I was a military kid. My dad came back from a deployment. I was very young -- not yet in school -- but, as much as the adults liked to say that "the kids are young, they won't even remember" they were blowing smoke out their heinies. I never forgot what happened, what we and my mom went through. I would never let that happen to me again, nor will I ever take even the slightest chance of inflicting that on my kid. It just ain't happening. Ever.

 

Well it wouldn't be a deal breaker (divorce?) for me, it would feel like a betrayal bc that is so completely not the marriage either of us has ever wanted.

 

I don't think it's that anyone thinks littler kids don't remember, it's just that they are more resilant and easier to distract.:grouphug:

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My husband has been gone for almost a month now and we aren't expecting him back until sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are hoping for Thanksgiving.

 

:grouphug: Don't freak. It's okay and even the norm for many families. See who are your support people are and keep going your normal activity with the kids. Many people do not plan for such things in their marriages, but sometimes they happen when you have done everything else to keep a roof over your head. I'm the daughter of a trucker and stepdaughter of a career military man. Three of my parents have been soldiers (biological and steps).

Edited by mommaduck
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Audrey, I get what you're saying, but most of us don't chose who to fall in love with, ya know? I assume you mean "deal breaker" as in your DH wouldn't take the job (not as in the "d" word), but in my old fashioned heart a think a man has to do whatever he needs to to support his family and sometimes that means being apart.

I hate it every time DH is gone. I miss him horribly - it is a physical ache. We've been doing this for 20 years, and it isn't any easier. A week - eh - no big deal, but more than two weeks and I have to really mentally prepare myself. Two months is significant. To the OP - don't worry about us old hats who've dealt with longer - two months is still two months and is a long time to be away from the one you love.

That being said - his absences have NEVER had a negative affect on our marriage; quite the opposite, really. We truly appreciate each other when he is here ...

As for the kids - of course they miss their dad, but as long as they know that their dad loves them and is thinking about them - well - distance isn't that big of a deal, ya know? There are a lot of kids out there who don't have loving parents and their parents are right there in the house with them.....

It is hard and you'll miss him - but it is doable and it will be ok. :grouphug:

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I'm a military wife, so I probably shouldn't answer. Being apart stinks. Really stinks. But you do what you have to do. I gave birth to dd9 while DH was on the ground in Iraq. Not what either of us wanted, but unavoidable. We thought we were finished with deployments when we moved here for our LAST tour (we are down to 1.5 years and then we hit year 20) but then he had to go away for several months again. I hated it, but I love him. He is an amazing husband, father, and financial supporter of our family. You just figure it out.

 

Everyone says "you knew what you were getting when you married him" (that's always irritating). I didn't. I was Canadian and had no idea what military life entailed. Back then, you could deploy for six months and get an overseas control date (no more deployments) but things changed. Our first six years of marriage, he was gone for more than three of them (not all in a row of course). I hated it. If we didn't have a great marriage, we wouldn't have survived, but thankfully we're in it for the long haul :)

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That's a deal breaker for me. There has to be an alternative or I'll make an alternative. I made that very clear before we married. When we first married, my dh was doing some trucking. It was nearly all short haul, but there were a few where he was gone two or three days. He understood that those longer ones couldn't be a regular occurrence and he stuck to his word on that. Together, we worked to make an alternative to the trucking as a source of income.

 

All respect to Mrs. Mungo and other military wives, but FOR ME I soundly resolved never to marry anyone in the military, and firmly hold that if my spouse joined the military, that, too, would be a deal breaker.

 

I was a military kid. My dad came back from a deployment. I was very young -- not yet in school -- but, as much as the adults liked to say that "the kids are young, they won't even remember" they were blowing smoke out their heinies. I never forgot what happened, what we and my mom went through. I would never let that happen to me again, nor will I ever take even the slightest chance of inflicting that on my kid. It just ain't happening. Ever.

 

This is us, too. We are not good apart, either one of us. I know so many of you will scoff and think us to be weenies, but we just. can't. be. apart. Not for very long, anyway. Oh, I have "big girl panties." Trust me on that one. But DH and I know in our cores that we were meant to be together always, no matter what.

 

astrid

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This is us, too. We are not good apart, either one of us. I know so many of you will scoff and think us to be weenies, but we just. can't. be. apart. Not for very long, anyway. Oh, I have "big girl panties." Trust me on that one. But DH and I know in our cores that we were meant to be together always, no matter what.

 

astrid

:iagree:

when we were first married, Wolf was in a job that had him away more than home.

 

I remember saying to him, "I didn't get married to stay a single parent."

 

No doubt in my mind that if that job hadn't ended (co was going under, he was laid off) we wouldn't be married now.

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:iagree:

when we were first married, Wolf was in a job that had him away more than home.

 

I remember saying to him, "I didn't get married to stay a single parent."

 

No doubt in my mind that if that job hadn't ended (co was going under, he was laid off) we wouldn't be married now.

 

 

I get what you're saying but - that's where the whole "better or worse", unconditional love thing comes in, I guess. The time I am with DH - no matter how small it is - is worth it no matter how much time we are apart.

 

ETA - I'm not saying you don't feel this way about your DH - I'm just trying to explain where a lot of us are c coming from ....

Edited by SailorMom
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Audrey, I get what you're saying, but most of us don't chose who to fall in love with, ya know? I assume you mean "deal breaker" as in your DH wouldn't take the job (not as in the "d" word), but in my old fashioned heart a think a man has to do whatever he needs to to support his family and sometimes that means being apart.

I hate it every time DH is gone. I miss him horribly - it is a physical ache. We've been doing this for 20 years, and it isn't any easier. A week - eh - no big deal, but more than two weeks and I have to really mentally prepare myself. Two months is significant. To the OP - don't worry about us old hats who've dealt with longer - two months is still two months and is a long time to be away from the one you love.

That being said - his absences have NEVER had a negative affect on our marriage; quite the opposite, really. We truly appreciate each other when he is here ...

As for the kids - of course they miss their dad, but as long as they know that their dad loves them and is thinking about them - well - distance isn't that big of a deal, ya know? There are a lot of kids out there who don't have loving parents and their parents are right there in the house with them.....

It is hard and you'll miss him - but it is doable and it will be ok. :grouphug:

 

 

I disagree with pretty much every sentence you wrote. I'm glad it is that way for you, but for me it just isn't.

 

I have a deep dislike of the concept that as long as a man is providing for his family it doesn't much matter if he is almost never actually with them. It was a big deal to me growing up and to my dh too. We both hated that our parents worked all the time. And knowing we were being thought of didn't do much more than make is feel to blame/guilty that they worked so much for us. (supposedly)

 

And for us, it does affect our marriage. Usually my dh knows everything doing on here and fully participates in things. From diapers, to meals, to bedtimes. All those little mundane things kept him in the loop on all the little things going on with each of the kids and me too. All of that is missing now. And a short phone call every other day can't replace that.

 

ETA: correction. I do agree about the 2 months. One stint of 2 months is bearable and doable. You'll be fine!! :)

 

ETA2: I also think we do have a choice in who we love and marry. The minute a man introduced himself as military or trucker. Or whatever traveling more than home... I'd be unlikely to have considered him for a second date. I don't think I'd have been willing to marry unless he was willing to change jobs when children started coming along unless it was a situation where we could afford to travel with him. I have just absolutely never wanted a marriage like that.

Edited by Martha
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I get what you're saying but - that's where the whole "better or worse", unconditional love thing comes in, I guess. The time I am with DH - no matter how small it is - is worth it no matter how much time we are apart.

 

ETA - I'm not saying you don't feel this way about your DH - I'm just trying to explain where a lot of us are c coming from ....

It was more than 'just' the constant absence.

 

When we got married, I was 29, w/2 kids. He was 35.

 

Frankly, we didn't 'gell' as a family until he was laid off, and home. How could we, when he was never around? He was used to being a single guy, no family, and was overwhelmed when he'd come home and everyone would swarm all over him, demanding his attention all at once.

 

For me, there was no stability, no feeling of real partnership. I felt alone, even more so than when I was a single mom, b/c I was missing my husband.

 

I just don't think we would have the foundation we do, the unity we do now, if he'd continued to be away more than home.

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I disagree with pretty much every sentence you wrote. I'm glad it is that way for you, but for me it just isn't.

 

I have a deep dislike of the concept that as long as a man is providing for his family it doesn't much matter if he is almost never actually with them. It was a big deal to me growing up and to my dh too. We both hated that our parents worked all the time. And knowing we were being thought of didn't do much more than make is feel to blame/guilty that they worked so much for us. (supposedly)

 

And for us, it does affect our marriage. Usually my dh knows everything doing on here and fully participates in things. From diapers, to meals, to bedtimes. All those little mundane things kept him in the loop on all the little things going on with each of the kids and me too. All of that is missing now. And a short phone call every other day can't replace that.

 

ETA: correction. I do agree about the 2 months. One stint of 2 months is bearable and doable. You'll be fine!! :)

 

ETA2: I also think we do have a choice in who we love and marry. The minute a man introduced himself as military or trucker. Or whatever traveling more than home... I'd be unlikely to have considered him for a second date. I don't think I'd have been willing to marry unless he was willing to change jobs when children started coming along unless it was a situation where we could afford to travel with him. I have just absolutely never wanted a marriage like that.

 

 

Uh - I never said it "didn't matter much", lol. I hate it, and it matters a lot, but it is what it is. Of course it's preferable for them to be here, and we're doing everything we can right now to have some breaks from deployments.

 

As for knowing about their careers prior to marriage - we were both in high school when we fell in love. He was a senior, I was a junior - not exactly too sure about career choices at that point.... So - you're saying as soon as he decided to go into the military I should have said, "Oh - never mind"?

 

Look - I know people here (in another thread) said that hearing someone calling a spouse their soul mate makes them nauseous, but - DH and I do feel that way about each other - have from the moment we met and for the last 22 years (20 married).

 

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great." - Roger De Bussy-Rabutin.

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Some of the responses remind me a bit of the comments people sometimes make to homeschoolers "Oh, I could never do that".

 

There have to be some people who fight for our freedoms. Those people deserve to have loving spouses also :)

:iagree: to an extent. There are those that really should not homeschool. There are those that really should not be a military or trucker's wife. Some people are simply NOT cut out for it. I'd rather see someone honest about it than see a marriage fall apart over it.

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Uh - I never said it "didn't matter much", lol. I hate it, and it matters a lot, but it is what it is. Of course it's preferable for them to be here, and we're doing everything we can right now to have some breaks from deployments.

 

As for knowing about their careers prior to marriage - we were both in high school when we fell in love. He was a senior, I was a junior - not exactly too sure about career choices at that point.... So - you're saying as soon as he decided to go into the military I should have said, "Oh - never mind"?

 

Look - I know people here (in another thread) said that hearing someone calling a spouse their soul mate makes them nauseous, but - DH and I do feel that way about each other - have from the moment we met and for the last 22 years (20 married).

 

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great." - Roger De Bussy-Rabutin.

 

We know what we have with our husbands. It doesn't matter if other people think our relationships are somehow less than because we can bear to be apart and they cannot possibly manage it. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug:

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Some of the responses remind me a bit of the comments people sometimes make to homeschoolers "Oh, I could never do that".

 

There have to be some people who fight for our freedoms. Those people deserve to have loving spouses also :)

 

I think it's more about people being smart, and knowing limits.

 

Sure some people who say, to homeschooling, "I can never do that". Might be able to. But I wouldn't think it was a good idea for everyone to homeschool.

 

Just like I don't think it's good or even a manageable idea for every spouse to have a spouse who is away from home a lot.

 

It would for instance be a not good idea for my marriage. It would be an awful idea, very awful idea for my SIL. (She is prone to panic attacks if her husband or another adult isn't with her for a night or two. It is something being worked on). My parents on the other hand work best if my father travels a lot.

 

Every marriage is different.

 

I think many people deserve (As much as that word fits in this sentence) a loving spouse. But that doesn't mean every person should be able to be a loving spouse to every person who is deserving of one. (If that sentence makes any sense)

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We know what we have with our husbands. It doesn't matter if other people think our relationships are somehow less than because we can bear to be apart and they cannot possibly manage it. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug:

 

Thank, Mrs. Mungo. I actually walked away thinking, why am I posting this? I guess I get tired of hearing about that. I hate it when people say, "Oh - well - I couldn't bear to be away from my DH," as if I'm just dandy with it, lol. I get kinda defensive - obviously :)

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I think it's more about people being smart, and knowing limits.

 

Sure some people who say, to homeschooling, "I can never do that". Might be able to. But I wouldn't think it was a good idea for everyone to homeschool.

 

Just like I don't think it's good or even a manageable idea for every spouse to have a spouse who is away from home a lot.

 

It would for instance be a not good idea for my marriage. It would be an awful idea, very awful idea for my SIL. (She is prone to panic attacks if her husband or another adult isn't with her for a night or two. It is something being worked on). My parents on the other hand work best if my father travels a lot.

 

Every marriage is different.

 

I think many people deserve (As much as that word fits in this sentence) a loving spouse. But that doesn't mean every person should be able to be a loving spouse to every person who is deserving of one. (If that sentence makes any sense)

 

But, those are totally different statements than statements about him dumping the kids on you or being too close to be apart or it wasn't so bad when my first husband being gone a lot, then I realized it was because I didn't like him. These sorts of statements are implying something very different that the military wives are taking umbrage with.

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But, those are totally different statements than statements about him dumping the kids on you or being too close to be apart or it wasn't so bad when my first husband being gone a lot, then I realized it was because I didn't like him. These sorts of statements are implying something very different that the military wives are taking umbrage with.

My husband's stepmother just asked me how I'm doing with DH away. She's not used to things like this and was curious. I told her about this thread. *I* am doing fine with it. I was raised with parents that had to travel (and a mother that did NOT do well with it). I have been attached at the hip to my husband since I was fifteen (other than when he went to basic training and a couple of times that I went to Florida to see family without him). I don't mind. His being away is a positive move in that it means he will be able to support us. It beats the downward financial spiral we were on. THAT was harder on our marriage. This is more a case of us being able to see things getting better and we will have the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" bit ;)

 

But again, everyone's marriage and coping abilities vary.

Edited by mommaduck
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We know what we have with our husbands. It doesn't matter if other people think our relationships are somehow less than because we can bear to be apart and they cannot possibly manage it. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug:

 

Thank, Mrs. Mungo. I actually walked away thinking, why am I posting this? I guess I get tired of hearing about that. I hate it when people say, "Oh - well - I couldn't bear to be away from my DH," as if I'm just dandy with it, lol. I get kinda defensive - obviously :)

 

But, those are totally different statements than statements about him dumping the kids on you or being too close to be apart or it wasn't so bad when my first husband being gone a lot, then I realized it was because I didn't like him. These sorts of statements are implying something very different that the military wives are taking umbrage with.

 

It's the, "I could nevers," that I have a hard time with, and I too left the thread feeling defensive, and that somehow my marriage was less because we can & do survive time apart. I hate when he's away. My heart hurts (and I can't sleep). But it just isn't a deal breaker. I get that marriages are different, but time apart being a deal breaker? I guess I just can't fathom *that as a deal breaker. Perhaps just as some can't imagine surviving time apart.

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But, those are totally different statements than statements about him dumping the kids on you or being too close to be apart or it wasn't so bad when my first husband being gone a lot, then I realized it was because I didn't like him. These sorts of statements are implying something very different that the military wives are taking umbrage with.

 

I was replying to the person who was stating that people in the military deserve loving spouses. I agreed, but also stated that it was smart or at least good if a person was able to admit that they could not happily be that person - therefore avoid relationships with that type of person.

 

I don't think any less of person, or a relationship because one, or even both spouses travels a lot, or if they are able to tolerate, or even like being separated for long periods of time.

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Look, military wives deserve huge medals. HUGE medals. It isn't easy when your husband is away, possibly in a dangerous situation. ANd it never made my marriage somehow "less valid" because my dh was gone. It certainly didn't make my dh any less of a man/husband/father because he was off on his submarine doing what needed to be done (insert submarine jokes here). It actually made our marriage much, much stronger. We HAD to talk about issues because neither one of us wanted to stew over a disagreement when he was leaving for a week/2 weeks/6 months the next day. I learned to appreciate him so much more when he was gone, and he appreciated my strength. It's not that I didn't like him and enjoyed when he was gone. I often cried like a big baby. After 12 1/2 years of marriage (and 4 years after he got out of the Navy) I still cannot sleep when he is gone. He works rotating shift work which requires many night shifts. I hate when he has to go to work after a vacation. He was a great father while he was in the Navy. He's still a great father.

 

And I get that not everyone is cut out to be a military/traveling man wife. I knew a Navy wife would couldn't bring herself to pay a bill without her dh telling her to. She absolutely fell apart and couldn't take care of herself when her dh was gone for more than a week. That's not healthy.

 

I'm going to say something that will probably get me flamed, so be aware. If a grown woman cannot function without her man for more than a week, there is a problem. I never enjoyed it when dh was gone, and I wasn't exactly functioning at 100%, but I was an adult. I don't NEED my dh here just to function. I WANT him here because I love and appreciate him.

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This wouldn't bother me at all. I would end up looking at it more from a logistical perspective than an emotional one. Are there any appointments that would need to be changed to a later date, anything I would need to take responsibility for that I normally don't need to worry about, how would I get DS to co-op on Thursdays since I'm working in the morning etc.? I know most women would have a problem being away from their DH for 2 months but honestly, I think DH would have a harder time with it than I would.

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It's the, "I could nevers," that I have a hard time with, and I too left the thread feeling defensive, and that somehow my marriage was less because we can & do survive time apart. I hate when he's away. My heart hurts (and I can't sleep). But it just isn't a deal breaker. I get that marriages are different, but time apart being a deal breaker? I guess I just can't fathom *that as a deal breaker. Perhaps just as some can't imagine surviving time apart.

I agree. If someone says it's a deal breaker from the beginning, that is one thing. If someone says that it's a deal breaker if their spouse has to do it in the middle of their marriage, that bothers me. The phrase "deal breaker" usually means divorce and is usually reserved for things like Adultery, Addiction, and Abuse. Temporary separation due to a job does not fall under those.

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I say 'I could never' b/c that's MY personality. I *know* what I can cope w/, and what I can't.

 

My flaws, my strengths.

 

It's not a comment on others, other than to be admiring, b/c they are much stronger than I am, imo.

 

I'm a freaking wussy baby. I know it, I admit it, and knew that I would be a horrible military spouse. That's why I deliberately chose not to date ppl in the armed forces,or firefighters or police officers. I'd lose my ever lovin mind having a spouse whose job had them risking their lives on a regular basis.

 

Huge wussy baby. HUGE.

 

Those who have spouses in dangerous occupations have my unwavering admiration and support.

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We know what we have with our husbands. It doesn't matter if other people think our relationships are somehow less than because we can bear to be apart and they cannot possibly manage it. :tongue_smilie: :grouphug:

 

Thank, Mrs. Mungo. I actually walked away thinking, why am I posting this? I guess I get tired of hearing about that. I hate it when people say, "Oh - well - I couldn't bear to be away from my DH," as if I'm just dandy with it, lol. I get kinda defensive - obviously :)

 

It's the, "I could nevers," that I have a hard time with, and I too left the thread feeling defensive, and that somehow my marriage was less because we can & do survive time apart. I hate when he's away. My heart hurts (and I can't sleep). But it just isn't a deal breaker. I get that marriages are different, but time apart being a deal breaker? I guess I just can't fathom *that as a deal breaker. Perhaps just as some can't imagine surviving time apart.

 

:iagree: Thank you.

 

Me Too. Not military, but DH is 5,000 miles away. And we're making it work. Did I sign up for this? No, but I love my husband and we're doing what's best for our family. (Though I do miss sleep :tongue_smilie:)

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We could go I suppose, but it would mean return flights for small things, it's not financially wise. This particular company wants the owner of the *stuff* represented live and in person for the moving portion of things. I suppose it's a CYA type of thing. So there ends up being two calendar days for moving that are broken up. The first one is on the 18th of October, and we don't know about the second one yet. We had to make commitments for November without information from the movers or others, so to lessen the impact, we set our flights out for the end of November.

 

He offered to get us out there early and then arrange for just him to come back here-but uh...I think it's too much; he's going to adjusting to a new schedule with really long days, he'll be lucky not to fall asleep in his clothes.

 

The first few years of our relationship was with a couple hundred miles between, then when he went cross county, I think it might have been a 6 month separation max, but we flew out to visit.

 

The kid says to him the other day, "Bubba, why don't we just leave Mom here to do all that and I can come with you?" :lol:

 

He's a texting monster, and very good about keeping in touch, so that will be helpful to her. Thankfully, he's taking a taxi to the airport to leave. I can't even imagine the scene if she had to say goodbye to him in public.

 

It's interesting hearing the views out there on families that live apart when necessary.

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