s/o: Training your kids about dating, relationships

[sunnylady303]

So several threads have been making me think lately. Reading about kids who choose not to date because of the drama and distractions or adult kids living with others before they get married. It is clear to me that I , as a mother, only have so much control over what they do as adults. You can do everything right and kids make mistakes or stray from what you have taught or choose a different path. But I do believe we have a significant influence.

 

It seems that I should be prepared to teach something. My older DD will be 9 next month. A ways away from those years but not so young that I shouldn't begin to instill our values.

 

The problem is discerning what our values are. DH and I both dated in high school and younger. I had serious, intense, abusive relationships from 12 until I was done with men at 19. I got some counseling and ended up with DH. Of course, I wasn't planning to date him either, but that's a whole 'other story. DH dated and dated and dated - loads of girls and women. Mostly they were good experiences for him but he got in too deep at too young an age.

I am not wild about teenagers dating. To quote the WTM and SWB, "We'll brave the collective wrath of high school students by suggesting that dating in high school is a waste of time. After all, what are you going to do if you fall deeply in love at seventeen? Get married? Break up? Have sex?"

 

I believe that. It's different than how I was raised. But DH is concerned that our DDs will be unprepared for relationships with men if they don't date.

 

I guess I need to clarify my own thoughts and DH's but then how to convey them? I know I have time but all these posts are freaking me out. :willy_nilly:

 

So what do you think and how do you convey it to your children? And when do you start? All viewpoints are welcome and I really don't want to debate here. I just want some food for thought for myself and anyone else who might be interested.

[renmew]

I don't have kids nearly that old yet, but this is what I wish my parents had done. My parents said nothing. I was left to my own devices. Match that with a hard working single mom (sound familiar) and a virtually nonexistent dad, the damage was pretty severe. I also found out as a teenager that my parents were pregnant with me before they got married. My mom had outright lied to me about that, until I accidentally found proof.

 

I think your girls have at least one big thing going for them already - their dad is a constant presence in their lives, and they know he loves them. I work very hard to keep my kids' dad around much more than I would rather see him myself.

 

Second, I would be honest with them about it all. That's what I plan to do. The joy, the pain... I want them to know how certain decisions hurt me beyond repair, that the memories never go away, and that my life is much more difficult now because of some of those choices.

 

Anyways, that's my untested opinion.

[regentrude]

I have been in relationships as a teenager, with good young men I still like and respect, and I view those as an enriching part of my life. I have positive memories, even though the breakups were hard.

I met my DH at 19 in college and lived with him for several years before we got married.

So, clearly, I do not have any objections on principle about relationships as teens and before marriage and would have no problems with my children doing the same.

 

How do I instill values? We discuss relationships when topics come up, and we parents model what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. We treat each other with love and respect and support each other; we enjoy each other's company and like to spend time together.

I believe the most important safeguard from bad, abusive, unhealthy relationships is to observe a healthy relationship between one's parents.

 

We talk about self-respect and self-esteem when a topic brings it up.

We talk about responsible sexuality and make sure our children have the information they need to protect themselves against pregnancy and STDs.

We emphasize that having a child should be a decision one makes upon careful deliberation with a partner with whom one can imagine spending a whole life - not something one should decide on a wim, or risk happening accidentally. We discuss how we ourselves made these choices.

 

That's it. Time will tell if we do the right thing.

But I find that, among my friends, the ones who have the most stable relationships and marriages, with the least amount of drama, are all coming from functional families where the parents modeled committed, long term relationships. The friends who struggle with dramatic abusive relationships are, in most cases, the product of dysfunctional families and unhappy parental marriages.

[BakersDozen]

My parents said nothing. I was left to my own devices.

Same here.

 

We began talking gently with our dc when they were about 10 or so - the age at which some of their friends starting having boyfriends/girlfriends. :001_huh: I bring up the topic as often as God gives me an opportunity to and am very honest/blunt in what I share with them. We discuss openly what dating is and what it is not (at least for our family).

 

The best education they have received has been watching the four kids in youth group who do date and the drama/heartache it has led to. One beautiful friendship was destroyed when a guy dated then broke up with a girl he had known all his life. As my 16yod says, "That's just not worth it." My older dc have witnessed the separation from the group that the two couples experienced and then the awkwardness when they are no longer a couple and have to find their way back into the group along with the other person.

 

My dc have interests, there is no doubt about that. ;) Yet we talk about those and we pray together for the other person. My dc know that this isn't the time of their life to be running after every girl/guy they see pass by (I have one dd who went through a horrible stage of being boy crazy...that was worrisome, lol).

 

Talk, talk, and talk some more. Let your dc know you are always available to talk yet don't always wait for them to approach you.

 

But DH is concerned that our DDs will be unprepared for relationships with men if they don't date.

When our dds know how to be friends with boys, how to interact without the pressure of dating, then I believe they will do just fine when they do start to date/court. Our dc see dh and I interact as well as parents in friends' families (we do a lot of family activities). I think they will be just fine and perhaps they will do even better than I did (who was allowed to date way too early and get in way too deep).

[Audrey]

I think values are something to teach from birth, not starting at puberty (or near puberty). Values aren't just one or two opinions on a few subjects. Values is a whole ethos, a whole package.

 

That said, you do need to know what values you want to impart, first. It is easiest if you and dh are on the same page, or at least the same chapter.

 

IMO, the whole dating thing gets really overblown by some crowds. There are many kids who, even if given full freedom to date whenever they want, won't date much, if at all. There are other kids who, even if completely restricted or forbidden from any dating, will find a way to get as much action as they possibly can. It's how the person is wired. Some crave it. Some couldn't care less. Most are somewhere in between, though, so a "middle ground" approach is your best bet.

 

When people go to severe restrictions on contact with the opposite sex, the result tends to lead to an over-sexualization of all male-female relationships, which, IMO, is a terribly immature and unhealthy response to human interaction. There is nothing impossible or wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. In fact, it's the most common interaction between human males and females. We aren't beasts. We don't have to rut every time we see someone of the opposite sex. We can be civil and friendly and get along just fine without sex. Teaching young people that relationships are about much, much more than sex is primary.

 

When the attractions kick in, it's important to address and re-address those values you have, but really... you cannot make them do what you want them to do. They're going to make choices. You teach them, you guide them, you hope they make the best choices, but there are no guarantees. Just look at how many "good kids" end up in bad situations because of poor choices. I suppose one could say their parents should have put them on lock down, but then, are those parents or wardens?

 

I could on, but in the end, you will have to figure out what you believe and factor in the personalities of your kids. There is no magic formula for perfect kids, though. There never was and never will be.

[sunnylady303]

When people go to severe restrictions on contact with the opposite sex, the result tends to lead to an over-sexualization of all male-female relationships, which, IMO, is a terribly immature and unhealthy response to human interaction. There is nothing impossible or wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. In fact, it's the most common interaction between human males and females. We aren't beasts. We don't have to rut every time we see someone of the opposite sex. We can be civil and friendly and get along just fine without sex. Teaching young people that relationships are about much, much more than sex is primary.

 

I had to laugh at this a little. I think (hope?) we will be okay here. My DD8's best friend is a boy. He will be 10 soon - almost exactly a year older than she. They are extremely close. It has been fun to watch the evolution of their relationship.

 

When they were 5 and 6, they agreed they would get married. He sent her a letter saying he would never "dislove her" - it was sweet.

 

Flash forward to 6 and 7. They were practicing kissing. :lol: I was very tempted to overreact but we kept it low key - we talked about how that was a way to express love in a more mature way. We had some good talks about commitment - although what stands out the most is the boy's (his mom is my best friend) reaction to it. "We are committed!" We watched them closely and that phase passed.

 

Another year...talking to DD1 when she was 7 about the facts of life. We were having a pretty graphic conversation about how it all works. We talked about how this knowledge is private, not to talk to others about until they are older, but they can always ask me or daddy if they have questions. DD was all, "But I have to talk to M_____ right away because I guess we'll be doing that!" I about died. :lol:

 

But then just a few months ago (they don't talk about getting married so much anymore - they are both a little embarrassed by it although their friendship has continued to deepen in really beautiful ways), M____ took her aside and told her he wasn't sure they should still get married because they had different views of hell. DD was a little confused and had him express his views. They weren't that different, and she told him so and then said, "You know, we're probably going to change a lot before we get married. Why don't we just keep to the plan and wait and see what we think in a few years?" He was relieved and so the plan is still on. Although I don't think it's been talked about since.

 

:lol::lol: They really do have an amazingly emotionally mature relationship for their ages. So I think she will value those type relationships. Several of her other good friends are boys also.

 

That is one of the things I love about homeschooling, none of the weird pressures about boy / girl friendships that seem to happen at school.

[Wheres Toto]

I think values are something to teach from birth, not starting at puberty (or near puberty). Values aren't just one or two opinions on a few subjects. Values is a whole ethos, a whole package.

 

That said, you do need to know what values you want to impart, first. It is easiest if you and dh are on the same page, or at least the same chapter.

 

IMO, the whole dating thing gets really overblown by some crowds. There are many kids who, even if given full freedom to date whenever they want, won't date much, if at all. There are other kids who, even if completely restricted or forbidden from any dating, will find a way to get as much action as they possibly can. It's how the person is wired. Some crave it. Some couldn't care less. Most are somewhere in between, though, so a "middle ground" approach is your best bet.

 

When people go to severe restrictions on contact with the opposite sex, the result tends to lead to an over-sexualization of all male-female relationships, which, IMO, is a terribly immature and unhealthy response to human interaction. There is nothing impossible or wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. In fact, it's the most common interaction between human males and females. We aren't beasts. We don't have to rut every time we see someone of the opposite sex. We can be civil and friendly and get along just fine without sex. Teaching young people that relationships are about much, much more than sex is primary.

 

When the attractions kick in, it's important to address and re-address those values you have, but really... you cannot make them do what you want them to do. They're going to make choices. You teach them, you guide them, you hope they make the best choices, but there are no guarantees. Just look at how many "good kids" end up in bad situations because of poor choices. I suppose one could say their parents should have put them on lock down, but then, are those parents or wardens?

 

I could on, but in the end, you will have to figure out what you believe and factor in the personalities of your kids. There is no magic formula for perfect kids, though. There never was and never will be.

 

:iagree:

 

Only thing I want to add is that my goal wasn't necessarily to have children that have the exact same values I do, and I definitely don't want them to follow my fairly dysfunctional model. What I wanted to raise was people who would have enough self esteem that they would be comfortable following the right path for them, not do what others try to convince them is best (peers or otherwise), that would feel free to talk to me about their choices regardless of what they are so that I can guide them to the safest options and warn them about potential pitfalls.

 

I do know that my dd, who has always had friends both male and female, has had MUCH healthier relationships as a teenager than I did even as an adult. I was very restricted as a child and teen and I don't think it served me well in the long run. I was in my 30's before I started being comfortable standing up for what was right for ME, not just doing what everyone else thought I should.

[Whereneverever]

http://www.worldvieweverlasting.com/2011/03/25/not-until-i-say-i-do/

 

I really like his ideas on this.

[stripe]

That is one of the things I love about homeschooling, none of the weird pressures about boy / girl friendships that seem to happen at school.

 

Well, we have a neighbor who is 6 months younger than my daughter and a constant buddy. Some older girls in the neighborhood tell them they're getting married, and even the boy's grandpa made some comment to that effect to my husband, which he found unnerving. So I don't think it has anything to do with homeschooling. We used to have two different homeschooling families right near us, but we moved a few blocks away, and all the kids are telling my kids to go to school, including the evangelical Christian kids who said I wasn't qualified to teach them so they should go to school, on and on for months, until my husband went to talk to their mom and she wants to homeschool them. :glare: So my kids associate with kids who attend school. And the other day, the boys were playing war and the girls were playing house. So I don't know that one can just magically opt out of other people's reality.

 

I think seeing a stable, concerned, and involved father teaches a girl an awful lot about what to expect. I know 12 and 13 year old girls who started having sex, and they never seemed to have great reasons for doing so -- it involved being lonely and/or pushy boys. So I think part of it is a lifetime of teaching, coupled with explicit conversations (in terms of directness of tone, not x-rated) about your opinions and experiences. Even if they don't make the exact same choices as you (and this includes liberal parents who are horrified by their conservative kids), I think it is helpful to see that they have carried with them the same values, such as honesty, concern, and responsibility.

[J-rap]

I think values are something to teach from birth, not starting at puberty (or near puberty). Values aren't just one or two opinions on a few subjects. Values is a whole ethos, a whole package.

 

That said, you do need to know what values you want to impart, first. It is easiest if you and dh are on the same page, or at least the same chapter.

 

IMO, the whole dating thing gets really overblown by some crowds. There are many kids who, even if given full freedom to date whenever they want, won't date much, if at all. There are other kids who, even if completely restricted or forbidden from any dating, will find a way to get as much action as they possibly can. It's how the person is wired. Some crave it. Some couldn't care less. Most are somewhere in between, though, so a "middle ground" approach is your best bet.

 

When people go to severe restrictions on contact with the opposite sex, the result tends to lead to an over-sexualization of all male-female relationships, which, IMO, is a terribly immature and unhealthy response to human interaction. There is nothing impossible or wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. In fact, it's the most common interaction between human males and females. We aren't beasts. We don't have to rut every time we see someone of the opposite sex. We can be civil and friendly and get along just fine without sex. Teaching young people that relationships are about much, much more than sex is primary.

 

When the attractions kick in, it's important to address and re-address those values you have, but really... you cannot make them do what you want them to do. They're going to make choices. You teach them, you guide them, you hope they make the best choices, but there are no guarantees. Just look at how many "good kids" end up in bad situations because of poor choices. I suppose one could say their parents should have put them on lock down, but then, are those parents or wardens?

 

I could on, but in the end, you will have to figure out what you believe and factor in the personalities of your kids. There is no magic formula for perfect kids, though. There never was and never will be.

 

Lots of good advice here, I think. Morals -- even things your children are too young to understand -- need to be taught and discussed from a very young age. If you wait until puberty to discuss these things and set the ground rules, it will be harder.

 

The best models are the parents. Also, if both parents aren't on the same page, children will see this and it's confusing for them. You and your husband need to discuss -- in detail -- what morals you want to teach your children. As hard as it is, you will need to be very specific about things sometimes. Don't leave things to chance or assume your children will figure it out on their own if it's a subject that is important to you.

 

If you and your husband both have strong convictions, don't let "society" sway you. Stick to what you believe is best for your children, but be ready to explain it to your children as well. Don't say "just because."

 

Teach your children that they can have good, healthy friendships with the opposite sex. Speak openly about sex. You don't need to reveal your past mistakes.

 

Even when you have strict rules, keep a sense of humor about it. You wouldn't believe how much that helps! And again, be ready to explain your rules. KNOW why you think those rules are important, and be willing to listen to your children when they have their own opinions. (That doesn't mean you have to give in.)

 

We are Christians, so we connect most of our morals to our faith. We have always discussed everything very openly with our children. Take advantage of any time you have with them to do so, if necessary. It doesn't need to be done at a special time. You can talk about it at the dinner table!

[Scarlett]

I think values are something to teach from birth, not starting at puberty (or near puberty). Values aren't just one or two opinions on a few subjects. Values is a whole ethos, a whole package.

 

That said, you do need to know what values you want to impart, first. It is easiest if you and dh are on the same page, or at least the same chapter.

 

IMO, the whole dating thing gets really overblown by some crowds. There are many kids who, even if given full freedom to date whenever they want, won't date much, if at all. There are other kids who, even if completely restricted or forbidden from any dating, will find a way to get as much action as they possibly can. It's how the person is wired. Some crave it. Some couldn't care less. Most are somewhere in between, though, so a "middle ground" approach is your best bet.

 

When people go to severe restrictions on contact with the opposite sex, the result tends to lead to an over-sexualization of all male-female relationships, which, IMO, is a terribly immature and unhealthy response to human interaction. There is nothing impossible or wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. In fact, it's the most common interaction between human males and females. We aren't beasts. We don't have to rut every time we see someone of the opposite sex. We can be civil and friendly and get along just fine without sex. Teaching young people that relationships are about much, much more than sex is primary.

 

When the attractions kick in, it's important to address and re-address those values you have, but really... you cannot make them do what you want them to do. They're going to make choices. You teach them, you guide them, you hope they make the best choices, but there are no guarantees. Just look at how many "good kids" end up in bad situations because of poor choices. I suppose one could say their parents should have put them on lock down, but then, are those parents or wardens?

 

I could on, but in the end, you will have to figure out what you believe and factor in the personalities of your kids. There is no magic formula for perfect kids, though. There never was and never will be.

 

I am always amazed at how much I agree with your posts. So well said.

 

And good kids from good parents make really bad choices. We have good friends right now who are devastated because their 16 year old dd is pregnant. They did everything 'right'---or as right as imperfect parents can. But when you have a kid determined to do what they want, and they are willing to lie and sneak around to do it, there really is very little you can do to stop them.

 

It is sad, and I hope she has learned a lesson about not listening to those in life with experience. It is a high price she is paying now. As well as her parents. :(

[Rosie_0801]

I think it is a good idea to have secular reasons to back up your religious reasons. Obviously most people hope their children will keep their religion, but sometimes they don't. The morals taught can become right for the wrong reasons, iykwim? Then they get discarded because there seems not to be a good reason for them.

 

Rosie

[brownie]

I make a point of saying aloud the things about dh that make him a good husband or father when I think them, so my boys hear me. I think it would be even more important if I had daughters so that they would grow up looking for that kind of guy. I guess maybe I should mention to dh that he needs to talk about me that way :)

[butterflymommy]

I want my girls to avoid intense romantic relationships for as long as possible. I don't know what age that will be, it will probably vary for each one, but my reasoning for "wait" is that the risk for abuse in these young relationships is so high, whether sexual, emotional, or physical. I experienced all three of those in relationships in my teens. Looking back on it I don't know how I survived much less got through HS or college. It was a tremendous waste of mental and physical energy and a very destructive experience.

 

I speak plainly to my girls about the above and I don't sugarcoat anything. However I also try to make it clear to them that i will accept them unconditionally. I also tell them plainly my pro life views. If they did fall pregnant I would do anything I could to support them through the pregnancy.

 

I'm realistic, with all my daughters more likely than not something pretty awful is going to happen. My main concern are abusive relationships and cheating men. My only glimmer of hope is that they value themselves enough to recognize abuse when it happens.

[butterflymommy]

I think seeing a stable, concerned, and involved father teaches a girl an awful lot about what to expect. I know 12 and 13 year old girls who started having sex, and they never seemed to have great reasons for doing so -- it involved being lonely and/or pushy boys.

 

This is something that bothers me-- depending on what exactly takes place, that "pushy boy" is a rapist, especially if the girl is only 12 or 13 (and usually the boy is a bit older). For some reason peer sexual abuse and sex assaults in children, tweens and teens aren't acknowledged in our culture. If a grown man acted like that "pushy boy" he'd face jail time.

[Amy in NH]

So what do you think and how do you convey it to your children? And when do you start? All viewpoints are welcome and I really don't want to debate here. I just want some food for thought for myself and anyone else who might be interested.

 

I made some pretty lifelong-lasting mistakes as a result of unrestricted teen dating and I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes. We started having these conversations when they expressed interest in dating at an early age, had a girl chasing them, and/or started telling stories about friends' relationships.

 

1. Because teen years are about figuring out your identity, I tell them that I want them to be able to figure out who they are in the absence of a girlfriend telling them who they ought to be. I tell them how when you are in a relationship you can become so focused on the other person that you will give up your dreams for yourself to make the other person happy. I don't want to see that happen to them.

 

2. One of the reasons we homeschool is so that they can focus on academics without the drama and distractions, which they now understand having witnessed it firsthand in other teens.

 

3. I tell my teens that having a girlfriend is an exclusive and intimate relationship with one person, with the ultimate purpose of finding a life-partner. They are not ready for a mate until they are mature enough to support a family. In the meantime, they can have friendly relationships with multiple girls. Just because you don't date them doesn't mean you don't learn from having friendship-relationships with them. And you can learn through supporting friends in their relationship foibles - often girls will turn to my boys for a shoulder to cry on because they know they are "safe" with them.

 

4. It would be nice if they could spend some time doing fun young-adult things before settling down with a mortgage and children. Getting tied down at an early age makes those things so much harder. Struggling with a young family as a young adult is no picnic and is often a relationship breaker.

 

My oldest did decide to try out a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for about 6 months which ended this summer. He knew my feelings about it, but I figured he is old enough to move out of the house soon and it might be "good" for him to have family support. She lived an hour away, and he doesn't drive, so most of the time they spent together was in the company of our family or hers. He is not heartbroken that it ended because it was distracting for him. He says that he is not interested in getting into another relationship anytime in the foreseeable future.

 

I have given this a lot of thought and talk openly with my teens about dating. I'm not interested in debating my position, just answering the OPs questions.

 

Honestly, I think you are more likely to find the right person for yourself when you are confident in who you are as a person and you're NOT looking for someone to complete you (not actively seeking for a relationship).

[Amy in NH]

a hard working single mom (sound familiar) and a virtually nonexistent dad, the damage was pretty severe.

 

 

:iagree: This was me. At least my mom was proactive about birth-control.

[Scarlett]

I think it is a good idea to have secular reasons to back up your religious reasons. Obviously most people hope their children will keep their religion, but sometimes they don't. The morals taught can become right for the wrong reasons, iykwim? Then they get discarded because there seems not to be a good reason for them.

 

Rosie

 

I agree Rosie....there are very good and sound reasons for kids to avoid dating until they are ready for marriage.

 

I do hope my son continues to learn about females and about being a man by being around lots of females.....young and old.

[Scarlett]

I made some pretty lifelong-lasting mistakes as a result of unrestricted teen dating and I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes. We started having these conversations when they expressed interest in dating at an early age, had a girl chasing them, and/or started telling stories about friends' relationships.

 

1. Because teen years are about figuring out your identity, I tell them that I want them to be able to figure out who they are in the absence of a girlfriend telling them who they ought to be. I tell them how when you are in a relationship you can become so focused on the other person that you will give up your dreams for yourself to make the other person happy. I don't want to see that happen to them.

 

2. One of the reasons we homeschool is so that they can focus on academics without the drama and distractions, which they now understand having witnessed it firsthand in other teens.

 

3. I tell my teens that having a girlfriend is an exclusive and intimate relationship with one person, with the ultimate purpose of finding a life-partner. They are not ready for a mate until they are mature enough to support a family. In the meantime, they can have friendly relationships with multiple girls. Just because you don't date them doesn't mean you don't learn from having friendship-relationships with them. And you can learn through supporting friends in their relationship foibles - often girls will turn to my boys for a shoulder to cry on because they know they are "safe" with them.

 

4. It would be nice if they could spend some time doing fun young-adult things before settling down with a mortgage and children. Getting tied down at an early age makes those things so much harder. Struggling with a young family as a young adult is no picnic and is often a relationship breaker.

 

My oldest did decide to try out a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for about 6 months which ended this summer. He knew my feelings about it, but I figured he is old enough to move out of the house soon and it might be "good" for him to have family support. She lived an hour away, and he doesn't drive, so most of the time they spent together was in the company of our family or hers. He is not heartbroken that it ended because it was distracting for him. He says that he is not interested in getting into another relationship anytime in the foreseeable future.

 

I have given this a lot of thought and talk openly with my teens about dating. I'm not interested in debating my position, just answering the OPs questions.

 

Honestly, I think you are more likely to find the right person for yourself when you are confident in who you are as a person and you're NOT looking for someone to complete you (not actively seeking for a relationship).

 

Very nice post. Lines up well with my feelings on the matter.

 

I didn't have a trouble free youth....but it could have been sooooo much worse if I had not had a very involved mother who talked very straight to me about hormones and the point of no return and how those decisions can affect the rest of your life.

 

I heart her. :)

[stripe]

This is something that bothers me-- depending on what exactly takes place, that "pushy boy" is a rapist, especially if the girl is only 12 or 13 (and usually the boy is a bit older). For some reason peer sexual abuse and sex assaults in children, tweens and teens aren't acknowledged in our culture. If a grown man acted like that "pushy boy" he'd face jail time.

I had in mind something more annoying than criminal, but you are certainly correct for some cases, and it's horrifying.

 

But I also think there's just too much pushiness in general. And it's important to teach our sons not to push themselves, even if it's just the "aw, come on," five hundred times until she agrees. I think a fair number of people come to regret their encounters, and it is an unfortunate thing that this regret or uninformed (due to impairment from drugs/alcohol) choices are made so often. The violent situations are obviously quite disturbing, but these bother me as well, and they too are often overlooked.

[Catwoman]

 

It seems that I should be prepared to teach something. My older DD will be 9 next month. A ways away from those years but not so young that I shouldn't begin to instill our values.

 

 

 

Your dd is only 9. Has she expressed any interest in boys or dating? If so, now is the time to talk about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, or it might backfire on you and she could end up with bright, shiny new ideas that wouldn't have occurred to her at all before you talked to her about the subject.

 

Realistically, I think you and your dh need to be on the same page before either of you starts discussing the matter with your dd, but I'm not entirely sure it's necessary to start talking about the consequences of dating before your dd is even interested in boys. (I'm assuming you've already been teaching her to have a general sense of morality, right vs. wrong, etc. -- I just wouldn't get too deep into the s*x and dating stuff if she doesn't care about it yet.)