Difficult Teen/Graduation Question

[JennifersLost]

I know I'm asking this on a homeschool board, but this is the place I come to for parenting advice, so here goes.

 

I have a difficult teen who homeschooled to grade 8, then started attending PS. He is in twelfth grade and will graduate in June. He has always, always pushed my buttons and those of dh, too. He adopts a wooden demeanor, speaks in one word sentences and won't look us in the eye - and he's been doing this since he was 8 or 9. He's probably on the Asperger spectrum, but the reality is he can put on perfectly good manners for anyone else, he works in a corner store and does just fine, he taught karate classes for years - in other words, he is a capable kid in his own right.

 

He always manages to find the one thing that stabs me to the soul. Again, he's used the refusal to look at me, smile at me, hug me and so on for nearly a decade now (but was perfectly able to do all those things with a girlfriend). He progressed to saying he wouldn't go to college (after watching his older brother not go and seeing how much that bothered me), and has been using that to get my goat.

 

Now, he's found an even better one! He's saying he doesn't want to graduate high school. I'm having to force him every step of the way to do his "grad transitions" work - the extra work every grad has to do in our province to get his diploma. This basically takes less than four hours of work over three years' time to complete. It's piddly stuff. I've had to basically threaten him on each and every bit of paperwork so far, and we're only half-way there.

 

Now he's refusing to do the piddly bit of work to be eligible for the local and provincial scholarships that he can defer for up for 5 years. He refuses to even sell one lousy box of chocolates to help contribute to the scholarship fund (every grad is asked to sell one box). He doesn't want to walk across the stage to receive his diploma, doesn't want to celebrate graduating, and has been threatening to move out in March when he turns 18.

 

I ended up going to the school's scholarship meeting without him last night to find out the details - it's amazing how hard this school works to get money for every kid, but halfway through the meeting I nearly had to walk out. I was looking at the hundred other families sitting there with their kids who obviously wanted to be there and were excited about graduating and wanted to apply for money for school. I have never felt like such a colossal failure. I held off crying until I got home, but I've been in tears off and on ever since.

 

Tonight I yelled at all three of my sons for their lousy, selfish attitudes (one got caught rather unfairly in the crossfire) and this son's reply was that he didn't want to celebrate his graduation because he wasn't proud of graduating. He went on to stick the knife in and twist it by saying he was proud of achieving his black belt in karate and we never celebrated that. Fine - I failed again, didn't I? Families weren't allowed to attend testing, which took place more than two hours away. When he came home from it we all congratulated him, hugged him and told him how proud we were. Guess that doesn't count.

 

I'm so fried. I'm so done with being the bad guy. I'm so done with having to walk this kid through everything like he's a toddler. And I'm done with the emotional blackmail part, too - because basically if I don't force him every step of the way to graduate, I'll hear for the rest of my life how we didn't care enough to help him graduate. And if I do force him, we'll hear forever more how we never let him make his own decisions.

 

I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like I'm facing 9 more months of crud from him and I don't have it in me. If a friend of mine was telling me this story, I'd tell her to let him fail and deal with the consequences. I'd tell her to concentrate on the kids who did want her help and did want to spend time with her. I'd tell her to tell him to move out as soon as he was able. Dh is running a lot of interference for me right now with the oldest two, but I'm the one dealing with the paperwork and details, and it just stinks.

 

Am I being stupid trying to force him to get his diploma? Or should I soldier on through the rest of the year and get him across that stage?

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I know people here who have walked that road will have advice. I just wanted to give you a :grouphug: or two for sticking by a really tough kid.

[maddykate]

Maybe hand hold and walk him through until graduation, then he is on his own. He will grow up and hopefully, one day, he will be able to look back at how he treated you and regret it. But, then thank you for helping him graduate, in spite of himself. He will hold both against you for now, but at least with a diploma, he will have a chance to do better.

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

I am sorry this is so painful. Would he go to counseling with you?

 

If he is not willing to go to counseling or work on his relationship with you or finish school, there is not much you can do. But I would suggest you take what you said you would say to a friend in the same situation to heart. I would let your son know that his days of living with you and your dh are numbered and if he chooses not to graduate or continue further education that is up to him but he needs to support himself and move out ASAP.

 

However, that does not lessen the pain. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Frankly, I don't know what I'd do. It's a crappy place to be in. :grouphug::grouphug:

Have you said to him what you just said to us, about the "darned if you do, darned if you don't" push him to graduate? Could his dad talk to him? Can you step out enough to let Dad handle it from now on and you just be a support, but not the "bad guy?"

 

I'm sorry. It's a really sucky situation. :grouphug:

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:Jennifer:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

He needs mental health help and has needed it for some time. Go get him help before he is an adult and you can't get it anymore.

[KathyBC]

Maybe hand hold and walk him through until graduation, then he is on his own. He will grow up and hopefully, one day, he will be able to look back at how he treated you and regret it. But, then thank you for helping him graduate, in spite of himself. He will hold both against you for now, but at least with a diploma, he will have a chance to do better.

 

I suspect this is what we would do in this situation, too.

[Unicorn.]

I agree that he needs help. Get him to counseling if you can. I also think you should stop hand holding. Don't do any more for him regarding graduation. Step back and let dad handle all discipline and pushing to get anything done. Start treating him like he's someone else's child and is a guest in your house. Do not let him see that anything he does bother's you. If you do, you give him ammunition to keep hurting you. If he starts to see that his behavior has no effect on you, he might come around a bit.

[elfgivas]

is the scholarship money for this year or for college? in the big scheme of things, i'd punt on trying to get him to do things for the scholarship, whichever it is. i'd either just buy the chocolates if i needed to it, or not, but clearly he doesn't feel the need.

 

ditto for walking across the stage. if he doesn't want to go and get his diploma, that's his call.

 

where i'd stop with that is around graduating. i would work to keep him in school.

 

flip side.... if he simply opposes what you want, i'd simply say to him that its his life, his call. if he's ready to move out now, has the financial means to do so, and wants to, then he should go. if he isn't, then he has to go to school. but then you'd need to be ready for him to make the choice.

 

fwiw,

ann

[tex-mex]

He doesn't want to walk across the stage to receive his diploma, doesn't want to celebrate graduating, and has been threatening to move out in March when he turns 18.

 

I was the difficult child in my family. I also chose to skip my high school graduation ceremony to work that day. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home and could not wait to get the ______ out of the house. ;)

 

Unfortunately, I also grew up in a small town and it was quite a scandal for my mom to endure all of the "tsk-tsks" by her friends, family and neighbors. But I did not care. My goal was to be the first person in my family to go to college. My mom did not want me to leave for college either. I left and never looked back. The last time we communicated was when she found out I was leaving the Catholic Church and becoming a Protestant. She wrote a horrid ugly letter threatening me and shunning me for my decision. I chose to never talk to her again as a result. And did a fantastic job in life with college, job, & marriage to the surprise of my family. I do have to admit I enjoyed rubbing my success in her face by sending in notices/photos to the local newspaper of my college graduation (I attended the ceremony), my engagement & wedding, and birth of my ds.

 

The only thing I regret is cutting off all communication with my mother when I left the house at 17. She died when I was 24 and we never mended fences. I encourage the OP to not let this matter be a hill to die on. Let the boy figure out what he wants to do in life -- and let him reap the results of his decision. Life has a way of dealing with tough nuts (like me) and humbling us. No need to create a family war over it.

Edited September 28, 2012 by tex-mex

[Night Elf]

My oldest dd didn't graduate high school until days before she turned 20 yrs. old. She started homeschooling at age 16 and totally dropped the ball at age 17 when she started working. The thing is, other kids her age did tease her and treat her like she was a dummy. In fact, this past weekend, she ran into an old friend who asked her in a very insulting manner, "So, did you ever finish high school?" It really hurt my dd's feelings.

 

I'd insist on graduating. In this country, getting a good paying job requires at least a high school graduation. If you're competing for jobs, you need to say you've graduated or you won't look as good as the next guy. That can mean saying you graduated homeschool, but my dd20 couldn't even say that. I am humiliated and feel like a failure for not pushing her harder. I honestly thought she should be making those decisions but I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I wouldn't push the actual ceremony. I missed mine because of a stupid hair cut but I don't regret it at all. I had no interest in walking across a stage. I picked up my physical diploma from school the following week and I'm not even sure I've looked at it since then. It really is no big deal to me.

 

I'd fight to get him graduated. I wish dd20 was going to college, but it's too late for my opinion to light a fire underneath her. She's working two jobs and making decent money for someone her age who is in college, but she doesn't make enough to move out on her own. You could tell your son that. My dd20 does wish she could have her own apt. She's just waiting for a serious enough relationship so she can move in with a boyfriend. Isn't that sad?

[bettyandbob]

At this point I wouldn't insist on anything except the minimum to graduate. If he doesn't get scholarship money, that will be his loss. If he does apply to college that will be his decision.

 

My oldest graduated in June. It was a major push up until the end. We backed off of everything except the minimal requirements. In our case ds needed to finish only 2 classes. I didn't say anything about the other 5. I wanted to. He did pass all 7, but I only kept tabs on the 2. And walking across that stage and attending parties do not matter for the big picture. The way I saw it, the only thing that matter was the diploma.

 

So, if I were in your shoes, I'd clarify the absolute minimum needed to graduate (get the diploma, not walk the stage) and then reframe my actions and decisions based on that.

 

--does he only need to finish one or two classes?

--are there flexible options, like can he drop other courses and finish the minimum in a concentrated night or alt setting and be done with everything by February or March.

 

Sit down with the guidance counselor and lay out the options for finishing and let him choose the option.

 

Based on what you've described, whether or not he graduates he needs to get out of your house by the time graduation comes. Your relationship has deteriorated and it's affecting your other son.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: No advice, really, but didn't you post about your angst about the black belt testing when it happened? IIRC, didn't you want to go and the communication and money issue were all messed up? If so, does he know how you felt then? If I'm not remembering correctly, disregard.

[amy g.]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

 

My 18 year old with Autism did not want to finish High School or go to college either, but she did.

 

My sister-in-law wanted to have a graduation party for her, I knew that would be a nightmare for my daughter, so I made it clear that she did not have to celebrate finishing High School in any way whatsoever.

 

She was welcome to move out at 18, but she knows she has it good here, so she decided to stay even though I said to live here would require taking at least two classes each semester.

 

She ended up taking 3. On the first day, she texted her friend, "SCARED!"

 

Now, she likes it, and after a month of classes, her professors are encouraging her to transfer to a better school. She just had to take a whole series of baby steps to get here.

 

Is he in a position to move out, or is he bluffing? Would he compromise with you, or has he just dug in his heels? Would you accept his doing the minimum to graduate and not go to graduation if he attended a local college part time?

 

Is there another adult who he respects who can also make a case for finishing school?

 

I wish you the very best of luck. These transition ages are really challenging.

[MooCow]

Maybe hand hold and walk him through until graduation, then he is on his own. He will grow up and hopefully, one day, he will be able to look back at how he treated you and regret it. But, then thank you for helping him graduate, in spite of himself. He will hold both against you for now, but at least with a diploma, he will have a chance to do better.

:iagree: My oldest has STILL not earned his diploma...he is back in homeschooling to finish his last few credits.

[Murphy101]

I'd drag him kicking and screaming through graduation and that's it.

 

And we would be clear that if he isn't in college or working to pay rent, then he can't live here longer than 1 month after graduation.

 

And yes, I'd bawl into my pillow about it.

 

But I'd still do it.:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Frankly, I don't know what I'd do. It's a crappy place to be in. :grouphug::grouphug:

Have you said to him what you just said to us, about the "darned if you do, darned if you don't" push him to graduate? Could his dad talk to him? Can you step out enough to let Dad handle it from now on and you just be a support, but not the "bad guy?"

 

I'm sorry. It's a really sucky situation. :grouphug:

:iagree:

Edited September 28, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

:)

Edited September 28, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Cindy in C-ville]

What would it be like to have him get his GED and basically just go his own way. Let him live with you, if he is working or taking classes. But, if he's working, he needs to contribute something for room and board. My concern is that if you hold his hand through graduation, he's going to have to learn at a later date, with greater potential consequences, what life as he would design it actually looks like. My thinking is that he needs to go ahead and catch this vision.

[Denisemomof4]

:)

Edited September 28, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[DianeW88]

Wow, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I do have kids that are the same age as your kids (maybe older), but I don't really have any advice.

 

I'm pretty sure I would have insisted on graduation from high school though. After that, whatever he did would be his choice.

 

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[clementine]

:grouphug: You are in a terrible position. I only hope that one day, as an adult, your son can come to you and apologize for his behavior AND thank you for trying your hardest with him. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurt just to read it. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

Can you do that?

 

I think you need to make it a little harder for him to "stab" you in the heart. Try to just emotionally distance yourself from him. Let him hug you or not, look you in the eye or not, march at graduation or not. Can you cultivate a bit of indifference about these things?

 

Because if you can, maybe then you can just think about the most important things. I personally would tell him he has to finish the diploma. Working on that would be a requirement of pretty much any benefit of being my kid - having a cell phone, driving privileges, access to electronics, etc.

 

I know it's a very emotional thing and it's hard to detach. And I know a lot of people think that part of being a great, loving Mom, is to be really attached and showering with love and affection. But right now, it sounds like your son really enjoys feeling like he can hurt you. I think you need to care less and be less hurtable. I think you need to show him that you have lots of other things about your OWN future that you are excited about, and he gets to do his own future, not necessarily under your roof. And go ahead and let him know gently that reclaiming the space he occupies won't be entirely bad.

 

My DH is a divorce attorney, and he has commented a number of times that there is an incredible power in any relationship that comes with not caring. The divorcing partner who doesn't care if the kids make Fs, doesn't care if the house goes in foreclosure, doesn't care if the cars are repossessed, actually has a lot of power. Likewise, your son has tremendous power in not caring about his future, partly because you care so so so much (as do most Moms). If you can pull back from caring so much it might be better.

 

There was a time when I told my son that I had to not really care what he did for a living, not care if it's hard to live off coffee shop pay, not care if he had to ride a bike because he couldn't afford a car. Because if I was the one who really cared, I was the one with a problem.

 

But getting the diploma - I think that is the one battle I would pick. I would be willing to see him make a lot of mistakes, but that is one with very long term consequences. I actually DO care, so I might show it in this are. I think I would let him know that he is welcome to live with you until he is 18 as long as he follows your most basic rules, and that the only condition is that he work on what he must do for that diploma. I would lay out the steps that much occur and when, and if they don't, there goes the cell phone. There goes the car. Oops, the tv doesn't work. Sorry, no one can drive you anywhere either.

 

As for his relationship with his Dad, honestly, I think it's better if a Dad is more involved. But with a kid who is being hurtful like this, you might both need to emotionally divorce yourselves form him a bit. Is your DH as wrapped up as you are in what this kid is going to do in the future? Because I honestly don't think either one of you is going to get far with it. I think you need to talk together about how it would feel to just let him go - let him move out, not necessarily make him feel like he would be welcome to move back without some major changes, etc. If either one of you can't handle seeing him move into a men's shelter, then you both will pretty much be in a weak position.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[kroe1]

My DS32 was a high school dropout and is now an ER physician. I would tell him that if he is not on a college track, he will need to move out on his 18 th birthday. My son did the same and worked at odd jobs to support himself for a few years. One day he realized he was working more hours than a physician just to barely survive. We took him back with open arms, and he was in college by the next semester.

:grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

Thank you everyone for your kindness - mostly that's what I need right now.

 

ElegantLion - you're right, there was drama around the black belt testing. That's because his teacher, who was really sweet to the kids, is a childless adult who feels she knows better than all the parents how to raise kids. And she consistently told the kids how sorry she was for them that their parents were screwing up so much. When we began I would come to his classes, but she really bugged me, and as time went on it was hard to even come for the testing because she used every opportunity to tell me how I was screwing up. When testing time came, she didn't have clear info about costs until the last minute, we weren't invited, so on and so forth.

 

Why did we keep him there? Looking back, I wish we hadn't, but it was the one place he was really soaring, you know? He's excellent at karate, and had a fabulous experience. She let him teach classes after a while and really built up his self-confidence. Unfortunately, one tactic was by undercutting us - his parents.

 

She's also the brilliant woman who took him on a weekend trip out of town to a competition, called me overprotective, and then let him eat food at restaurants all weekend instead of the stuff we packed - he has a full-blown nut allergy and has landed in the ER multiple times already.

 

I think you are right - I need to explain all of this to my son. He decided on his own to quit karate this year because she's had nothing to teach him for the last two years - he moved beyond her. I've explained before that my antipathy to her does not affect my pride in him, but maybe he needs to hear that again.

 

I do intend to let dh do most of the parenting with him this year. I never used to believe that there would come a time I turned it over so wholesale to him, but he is doing a much better job with consistency at this point.

 

I do need to take my emotion out of the equation. I keep wanting to believe that there's a "reason" ds is being mean to me - something that would change if only I could "get it right" and you know what? That's baloney. I have three other kids who are able to say they love me, hug me, get mad and then get over it, express their feelings, and so on. And one who can't. This isn't about me.

 

The bottom line is he will graduate. I told him yesterday it is no longer up for discussion. He has the grades and has done just about all the classes. He has to do a few simple, stupid steps outside of classes to finish his grad requirements. DH says no more computer until they are done and he smartens up. Yay, dh!

 

I know this isn't hopeless. Two weeks ago he swore up and down he didn't want his drivers' license. I laid down the law on that and told him he had to get it and now he comes to me every day asking when we're going to go and drive.

 

Gosh, this is long. Thanks to all who have stuck with me. I just need moral support!