Rules for visiting nephew who is dating dd's friend..

[Isabella]

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking here, but just need a perspective.

 

So..nephew - DN-(17.5yo) is staying with us for a month or two to work with my dh. The first day that he was here, he was introduced to my dd's friend - H- (who is 17.5yo, too). They hit it off, and started 'going out together'.

 

They've been out a few times for lunch in town, otherwise, they see each other when H comes over on a Sunday afternoon to go to church with us. She usually stays from lunchtime to 3pm, church and travelling is from 3-6.30, then she stays till about 9pm.

 

DN's parents are very conservative, and while we are reasonably conservative, too, I do think that giving reasonable freedoms is a good thing - for example: yes, they can be together in his room, as long as the door is open (my Dh is not big on this, though - he thinks no time in room together at all, but I told them they could before I realized dh thought this). I did mention this to SIL (DN's mum), and she seemed as though that was OK. I asked her if she would like us to mention anything else regarding boundaries, and she said she couldn't think of any - this is their first child, so no experience with this before.

 

The other day, DN & H both played some board games with the family for a couple of hours, and then went to his room. Our DD's were in their rooms at the same time, which are right near his. After 20 mins or so, I called out to them that H needed to start heading for her home. No answer, after a couple of minutes, Dh called, and H emerged adjusting her top, and looking slightly red. She then went home.

 

I'm just starting to wonder if we need to re-think the time in room, or just leave them to their own devices at their age. I don't think I'd like to mention too much to DN's mother, as that would make her worried, and it's only speculation on my part anyway that anything was happening.

 

I also wonder if I need to say anything to either of them. H is quite indulged by her parents, and reasonably willful. I don't think they wouldn't really think to say too much. But she is very childlike in many ways, and respects our family a lot. Also she listens well to my DD. She has had several school boyfriends before. Dd suspects that H could be quite forward, more so than DN. DD has actually mentioned to H not to 'corrupt' DN! She said she can believe that H would actually put DN's hand on her b*east. DN (obviously 1st girlfriend) is very careful about things...eg: while travelling to church (they were in backseat), he put his arm around H, and she giggled and said he pulled her b*a strap down. He was very quick to apologize and say it was an accident, that he never meant to do that at all.

 

This has turned into a novel, but maybe you all can give me an idea of what, if anything, to do.

 

Thanks in advance!

[OrganicAnn]

I guess I don't understand why two 17 yo need to be in a bedroom alone.

 

But I haven't BTDT yet as my DD is younger.

[Starr]

I guess I don't understand why two 17 yo need to be in a bedroom alone.

 

But I haven't BTDT yet as my DD is younger.

 

Come on, you can guess. :D

[Ellie]

If he's staying with you, and he's still a minor, then you have a little more responsibility to act as a parent, KWIM?

 

I would absolutely NOT allow time in his room. Nope. They do NOT need time alone in the first place, and in the second place, it's his *bedroom.* Not allowing it would be a protection for both of them. And that's all I would say to them.

[Stayseeliz]

If he's staying with you, and he's still a minor, then you have a little more responsibility to act as a parent, KWIM?

 

I would absolutely NOT allow time in his room. Nope. They do NOT need time alone in the first place, and in the second place, it's his *bedroom.* Not allowing it would be a protection for both of them. And that's all I would say to them.

 

:iagree:

 

Yeah I can't see any good that would come of them alone in the room together. I'd be pretty cautious about that.

[OrganicAnn]

Unless you want to be a Great Aunt.

[Unicorn.]

H3ll No would I allow them time alone in a room together! No one is allowed over if we aren't home, and no kids of opposite sex in bedrooms, ever.

[besroma]

If he's staying with you, and he's still a minor, then you have a little more responsibility to act as a parent, KWIM?

 

I would absolutely NOT allow time in his room. Nope. They do NOT need time alone in the first place, and in the second place, it's his *bedroom.* Not allowing it would be a protection for both of them. And that's all I would say to them.

 

:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are you prepared to explain what happened to DN's parents if he gets H pregnant?

[Whereneverever]

Never mind!

Edited September 29, 2012 by theretohere

[A.Balaban]

I don't know. Seems like you should nix the habit of them hanging out together after church on Sunday (if that is when they are going into his bedroom).

 

If you can't get out of "allowing" them in the bedroom with the door open - then, you need to check on them. Do try to be "inconspicuous" about it (otherwise they'll smell you coming....) Put away laundry. Clean. Walk by their bedroom like every five min. Dash in there to dig through the closet for some long-forgotten sock.... Or ask for his help? "Can you help so and so?" :D

 

Personally, bedrooms are for sleeping. I would never want to, erm, "mix" the two. They should hang out in a public area of the house.

[Catwoman]

The other day, DN & H both played some board games with the family for a couple of hours, and then went to his room. Our DD's were in their rooms at the same time, which are right near his. After 20 mins or so, I called out to them that H needed to start heading for her home. No answer, after a couple of minutes, Dh called, and H emerged adjusting her top, and looking slightly red. She then went home.

 

 

It sounds like, if you're planning to let them be in DN's room, you need to be sure that you, your dh, or your dds keep popping in to "see if they need anything" or to ask if they'd like a snack. ;)

 

Realistically, though, at that age, if they are looking for a way to fool around, they will manage somehow. I'm not saying that you have to make it easy for them to do anything while they're in your home, but you may find that those "lunches in town" will start to get longer and longer.

 

Honestly, I'm surprised they haven't tried to go on any evening dates yet, at their ages.

[Tap]

I remember doing some pretty heavy making out with my boyfriend in my bedroom with the 'doors open' policy. You could hear anyone coming down the hallway at our house, so we had a pretty good warning if anyone was coming by my room. Realize that you are setting a precedent for your younger kids too, saying that you feel this behavior is appropriate and will be allowed for them (not only in your house under your watch, but at other peoples houses where the parents may not be watching as close).

 

I would talk to them and let them know that you have rethought the bedroom idea and have decided that you and your dh are not comfortable with it. Bedrooms just have a presumptuous purpose in a relationship, I would not want to encourage any extra thoughts in that area than are already naturally occurring.

[Trish]

No, bedroom privileges are NOT a good idea. Open doors aren't technically birth control.

[Isabella]

Yes, I see what you all mean!

 

My thought was that, allowing them some freedom, and them understanding what is appropriate behaviour in our house, that freedom would encourage responsibility in them, as they both respect us a lot. But I do see that, unless we talk a little more with them, they probably don't realize that we expect them to respect the freedom we give them by not abusing it.

 

I also think that IF they are going to get up to things - there's other opportunities. He has driven her home from work a couple of times during the week. I don't feel it's my place to impose rules outside of my house, on two people that are *almost* legally adults, and that are not even my kids. However, I do see that I am in the place of parents for both of them seeing as both their parents would not see what is going on, so therefore don't advise accordingly. So, I'm thinking we need to sit them down and have a discussion.

 

The lunch dates can't get too drawn out, as they both only have the hour off for lunch. Of course, I cannot guarantee that they are in fact, going to the cafe they mention! :tongue_smilie: But again, I have no control over those things.

 

Maybe my idea of the bedroom thing is a bit weird. I really just feel young people need time to talk to each other, and that's a bit hard if always in the presence of others. Of course - I feel that most of the time should be spent in constructive family or friend time. Also, I allow it with my 16yo and her kind-of-boyfriend (really just good friends because we've asked them not to date till at least 17). We know they like each other - they may hug etc, so they are close, but are good at keeping it 'close friends' IYKWIM. We allow him to chat with dd in her room - we don't really look on the bedroom as 'only' a sleeping room. It's their haven, and if they want to chat with friends - be they boy or girl, it's OK if the door is open. My dd's room is within sight of the kitchen, so that's handy! DN's is on the opposite side, so not visible. I do make a point of dropping in, asking them if they want a snack, calling DN to do something, asking H a question - also my dd's drop in there too, and sit for a bit & chat. So - yeah - still not sure if to nix it completely. Maybe we could discuss expectations - eg: no lying on a bed together - sitting is fine. And then if we feel that it's still a problem, say that it seems it's not working as we expected. I really think we have to talk to DN, and tell him that seeing as H is a bit forward, it's up to him to take control of the situation (in a positive way), and not allow H to make any moves! Easier said than done with a teen boy!

 

My other dd's are 19 (no bf yet - waiting on Mr Perfect!), and 20 (living in another state, and has a good friend/boyfriend). So the example to younger's is not really one I'm concerned about - my main concern is the well-being of these two young one. It feels like a balancing act - preserving their innocency, respecting their need to talk privately, while hopefully not forcing them to find secret spots to chat (& more) if that time is not allowed in the house.

 

Anyway - thanks for all your advice - it seems unanimous, so I will certainly keep those things in mind as we discuss with them more clearly about our expectations! I don't mind doing this with my own kids, but not really with other kids!

[Jpoy85]

I think its a tough situation to be in. Perhaps you can encourage them that alone time in another way? Taking a walk? Sitting on the porch? Going to the park?

[regentrude]

I also think that IF they are going to get up to things - there's other opportunities. He has driven her home from work a couple of times during the week. I don't feel it's my place to impose rules outside of my house, on two people that are *almost* legally adults, and that are not even my kids.

 

:iagree:

And I would much rather prefer they are in the safety and privacy of my home than in the car in some lover's lane in harm's way.

But then, I am from another culture where people do not have these huge problems with teenage relationships.

[Ellie]

Maybe my idea of the bedroom thing is a bit weird. I really just feel young people need time to talk to each other, and that's a bit hard if always in the presence of others. Of course - I feel that most of the time should be spent in constructive family or friend time. Also, I allow it with my 16yo and her kind-of-boyfriend (really just good friends because we've asked them not to date till at least 17). We know they like each other - they may hug etc, so they are close, but are good at keeping it 'close friends' IYKWIM. We allow him to chat with dd in her room - we don't really look on the bedroom as 'only' a sleeping room. It's their haven, and if they want to chat with friends - be they boy or girl, it's OK if the door is open. My dd's room is within sight of the kitchen, so that's handy! DN's is on the opposite side, so not visible. I do make a point of dropping in, asking them if they want a snack, calling DN to do something, asking H a question - also my dd's drop in there too, and sit for a bit & chat. So - yeah - still not sure if to nix it completely. Maybe we could discuss expectations - eg: no lying on a bed together - sitting is fine. And then if we feel that it's still a problem, say that it seems it's not working as we expected. I really think we have to talk to DN, and tell him that seeing as H is a bit forward, it's up to him to take control of the situation (in a positive way), and not allow H to make any moves! Easier said than done with a teen boy![/qutoe]

 

Oh, girl, you're going to have to rethink that!

 

They do NOT need that kind of privacy in order to "chat." There's nothing they need to say to each other at this point that cannot be said while sitting on the front porch, or walking around the block, or to and from the car, and so on.

 

A bedroom is a bedroom if there's a bed in it. And things happen in bedrooms.

 

My other dd's are 19 (no bf yet - waiting on Mr Perfect!), and 20 (living in another state, and has a good friend/boyfriend). So the example to younger's is not really one I'm concerned about - my main concern is the well-being of these two young one. It feels like a balancing act - preserving their innocency, respecting their need to talk privately, while hopefully not forcing them to find secret spots to chat (& more) if that time is not allowed in the house.

Young people of the opposite s*x do NOT need that much privacy.

 

Anyway - thanks for all your advice - it seems unanimous, so I will certainly keep those things in mind as we discuss with them more clearly about our expectations! I don't mind doing this with my own kids, but not really with other kids!

You don't have to talk with them at all. You just have to not allow them to be in his bedroom.

[angela in ohio]

My thought was that, allowing them some freedom, and them understanding what is appropriate behaviour in our house, that freedom would encourage responsibility in them, as they both respect us a lot. But I do see that, unless we talk a little more with them, they probably don't realize that we expect them to respect the freedom we give them by not abusing it.

 

It doesn't sound very respectful. If they are making out in the room next to where your dc are (who could walk in and see,) they aren't respecting your home.

 

I agree that young people need time to talk and get to know each other. We give 16 yo dd and her "friend who's a boy" :D time alone in public places to chat and hang out. I try to be respectful of their privacy, but they also need protections at this age, imho. There is no riding in cars or time in private rooms.

[AmyontheFarm]

My teen girls live in the basement. No teen males are allowed in the basement. Unless escorted by my husband or myself. All visits can take place in the living room or the front porch if they desire more privacy. Although, we can sit and watch from the kitchen out a window to see what they are doing. :) We just can't hear them talking.

[Nature]

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

I'd just tell him/them you've thought it over and don't think it is the right thing for your family. Don't mention the shirt thing. Don't say anything that might embarrass either of them.

 

Perhaps if your family feels this way you could mention that as man it is dn's job to protect df's reputation, and being in the bedroom could be misconstrued by others no matter how innocent.

 

Give them the option of a bit of privacy on the porch or a walk around the block or even the family room when the family is otherwise occupied elsewhere.

[Unicorn.]

[quote}

 

Oh, girl, you're going to have to rethink that!

 

They do NOT need that kind of privacy in order to "chat." There's nothing they need to say to each other at this point that cannot be said while sitting on the front porch, or walking around the block, or to and from the car, and so on.

 

A bedroom is a bedroom if there's a bed in it. And things happen in bedrooms.

 

 

Young people of the opposite s*x do NOT need that much privacy.

 

 

You don't have to talk with them at all. You just have to not allow them to be in his bedroom.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[fairfarmhand]

If he's staying with you, and he's still a minor, then you have a little more responsibility to act as a parent, KWIM?

 

I would absolutely NOT allow time in his room. Nope. They do NOT need time alone in the first place, and in the second place, it's his *bedroom.* Not allowing it would be a protection for both of them. And that's all I would say to them.

 

Are you prepared to explain what happened to DN's parents if he gets H pregnant?

 

I remember doing some pretty heavy making out with my boyfriend in my bedroom with the 'doors open' policy. You could hear anyone coming down the hallway at our house, so we had a pretty good warning if anyone was coming by my room. Realize that you are setting a precedent for your younger kids too, saying that you feel this behavior is appropriate and will be allowed for them (not only in your house under your watch, but at other peoples houses where the parents may not be watching as close).

 

I would talk to them and let them know that you have rethought the bedroom idea and have decided that you and your dh are not comfortable with it. Bedrooms just have a presumptuous purpose in a relationship, I would not want to encourage any extra thoughts in that area than are already naturally occurring.

:iagree:

It doesn't sound very respectful. If they are making out in the room next to where your dc are (who could walk in and see,) they aren't respecting your home.

 

I agree that young people need time to talk and get to know each other. We give 16 yo dd and her "friend who's a boy" :D time alone in public places to chat and hang out. I try to be respectful of their privacy, but they also need protections at this age, imho. There is no riding in cars or time in private rooms.

:iagree:

 

I'd just tell him/them you've thought it over and don't think it is the right thing for your family. Don't mention the shirt thing. Don't say anything that might embarrass either of them.

 

Perhaps if your family feels this way you could mention that as man it is dn's job to protect df's reputation, and being in the bedroom could be misconstrued by others no matter how innocent.

 

Give them the option of a bit of privacy on the porch or a walk around the block or even the family room when the family is otherwise occupied elsewhere.

 

I'd make doubly sure that younger family members are not pestering or eavesdropping and giving them some space. But no, no, no to bedrooms.

[Lolly]

Me, I think if they are going to make out they will find a way. I don't have a problem with them being in the room together with the door open. I would increase the walk-bys, saying hello each time. The same things can be done sitting on the front porch as can sitting in his room. :tongue_smilie:

[KatieJ]

No to the bedrooms for all of the reasons mentioned.

[Ellie]

Me, I think if they are going to make out they will find a way. I don't have a problem with them being in the room together with the door open. I would increase the walk-bys, saying hello each time. The same things can be done sitting on the front porch as can sitting in his room. :tongue_smilie:

This is true. However, we don't have to give them permission to do more by allowing them to be alone *in a bedroom.*