Uninvited guests

[summer]

My sister has 2 children. She is a public school teacher. She is completely not getting it why this bothers me and is trying to turn it back on me. What is going on is I have invited her to things before and had her show up with her kids with their friends. For example, we had a birthday party for my son's 13th birthday. She knew about it way in advance. But on the day of, her daughter brought 2 friends. Then her daughter proceeded to spend her entire time with them and did not even speak to my son or me or any of us throughout all of this. To top it off, this particular neice is a big attention seeker so she and her 2 friends kept making up little shows and then telling the rest of us to be quiet so they could perform. Because this party was a family party, my son had not even invited his own friends. He did something separate with his friends. It really bothers me.

 

Recently, my sister and I made plans to take our children swimming and to the movies. I had offered to treat. I was at the pool with the children when my sister stepped out to her car to get something. In walks a man with his daughter and informs me he will be back to pick her up after the movie! Ummm...I knew what my sister had done, but I seriously considered playing dumb and saying I have no clue who that girl is. But I knew the girl was no doubt a friend of my neices. I tried to back out of going to the movies (to my sister, not the man, I did not say anything to him). The swimming was bad enough as my neice immediately swam away from my sons who are close to her age (she is younger but I have younger sons and they all get along very well) and for the rest of the time, did not even speak to my son. At one point, her friend swam over to me and informed me she did not want my son in her half of the pool. My son was not even speaking to them! He was just hanging on the side watching (my son is speech delayed and is 6 and cannot swim well). I told the girl that this was not her own private pool so she needed to share. Then, I definitely did not want to go to the movies and pay for my sister and neices and their friend. This was supposed to be a something we did together. I could never ever imagine showing up invited to someones house or anywhere and just bringing along extra people without asking if it were okay first.

 

SO..in trying to turn it around...my sister said she was going to invite me to a girls night out, but she is afraid I will be upset over the fact that there are other people there besides her and she will talk to them! Ok..so how dramatic is that? I have never complained about her or her children or anyone having relationships with other people. I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is having plans with someone and then showing up and she brings friends and such without mentioning it first or asking that lead to her children not even acknowledging mine. IF when we made plans she said "The girls were going to go swimming with a friend and were wondering if you wanted to join us" that would be completely different from me inviting them out and paying and having her bring friends.

 

I am frustrated by this, and the fact that she just cannot seem to get what she is doing wrong. I tried to explain it to her just how I typed it in here, but she is still not getting it. She does not see any difference between making plans that include friends and just showing up with friends that had not been invited or discussed (especially when I am paying or it is my son's birthday party or it is my house, etc).

[Happy]

Of course she isn't getting this...she is completely clueless.

 

Drop the invites altogether or *specify* who you are inviting when you call.

 

Frankly, it is as if they don't really want to spend time with you and your dc.

 

I'd make new friends.

[summer]

Her children keep saying they want to spend time with us and now that my older neice has a cell phone, she has been known to call to ask to do something with us. She got her cell phone for her 10th birthday. Both girls were in cheer at 2 yrs old. My sister is in to popularity and is quite flakey and sees no value to family values. She is just training her children to be the same. One time, she had a birthday party for older neice who is 7 months younger than my dd and did not invite my DD. Turns out, it was not neice's idea to exclude DD but rather my sister and my mother decided to focus on friends. It is a whole mindset that I grew up with seeing my mother try to preach to us. It is part of the public school mindset too. Siblings and twins are kept in separate classes. They are informed they need to stay away from family and make friends with kids their own age only. I still recall getting that lecture once by the neighbor who was the public school principal. He told me that I need to stop playing with my sister and her friends or my brother (who is a year older) and his friends and just play with other kids my own age. Coincidentally, there were no kids on my block my age. They were all a year older or younger. My brother's friend lived behind us and my sister had a friend who was 2 houses down. My sister and that friend are 3 yrs younger than me, but that friend had a sister who was a year younger than me. The principals daughter was a year older. Oh..wait..there WAS a really cute boy at the end of the block my age..very cute, and sweet and kind. <sigh> he is a lawyer now. But I never spoke to him much, except when he was my lab partner in 9th grade for dissecting and he did all the dissecting. Somehow, my tongue tied near him. But regardless...his blue eyes are not the point of this post (he did have blue eyes though, a pretty color of blue too, like a sky blue), the point is, there was nothing wrong with me playing with children 1 yr older or 1 yr younger, but the public school mantra is to group every one by age, not abilities and demand they all like each other and ONLY each other..as long as they are not related.

[bettyandbob]

her behavior is selfish and rude and she has taught her daughter to be selfish and rude.

 

She is your sister so I think not inviting her to parties is probably not possible. I think when you do invite her you must be specific "we are inviting you and niece to ds's party. It is a family party. We have a guest list. Do not bring anyone beside you and niece." She will be offended. She will probably say niece always likes to bring a friend to things. You can tell her that niece can invite her friends to the parties hosted by your sister and niece. If she ignores you and shows up with extra friends, I'd ask her to leave--tell her she can take niece and her friend to a movie or something to entertain them, but they can't stay at the party.

 

I would not bother inviting niece and your sister to extra gatherings for a while. I think it would be awkard to leave her out of family birthdays and holidays, but there's no need to invite them to the pool or movies.

[Emilylou]

I think you are trying to have a nice "normal" relationship with her and her daughter. So your kids can all be friends. Your sister sounds like she is raising her daughter differently than you are raising your kids. And it sounds like you are looking to your sister for something she can't give.

As you said she has different family values. My dh and I both have siblings with different values than us. We gave up trying to have a "hanging out" together kind of relationship years ago. We were trying to get something from them that they just didn't get. I would come home from spending time with them upset, or worst having my kids upset. yuck~ They are not bad people, but would I want to hang out with them if we weren't related?? hum?? :confused:

Now we stick to family gatherings for what they are... family gatherings. and we have made lots of awesome friends to raise our kids along side...

I hope this make sense. It isn't meant to be mean to your sister at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think Betty has given you some good advice. Even though your nieces say that they want to spend time with you, it sounds like they want to participate in the nice events more than to actually interact with you and your son. And of course you know that it is the people that matter more than the activity. I'm sorry that this has happened. It is uncomfortable but you are going to have to set up some clear boundaries esp. because your son and daughter are ending up being treated poorly by them.

[summer]

One issue is that my mother is disabled and is really having a hard time these days so she has asked we come to her for family events rather than her come to our house. So my son's party was over there. So my mother told me that this is her house and she does not have a problem with it. I explained to her that this may be her house, but this is my son's party. She claimed my son did not have a problem with it. My son did have a problem with it so then my mother informed me that my son would ONLY have a problem with it if I TOLD him to have a problem with it. This is not true. He is 13 yrs old and certainly capable of thinking for himself..and at an age where children prefer to think for themselves.

 

So next event where my mother will want it at her house that is for my family....my birthday or my 6 yr olds birthday when he turns 7. It actually truely is too hard for my mother to leave her house. Her physical therapist comes to her home now as she is having such a hard time. But my mother is actually very anti family so relying on her when it comes to family events is hard. My mother is the same one who did not have me for Christmas one year because she said my older sister was bringing friends with them and would not have room for me! I do not think my older sister had any clue my mother excluded me from Christmas that year (although she did mail me my presents) to make room for my sister's friends. But I could never imagine wanting my children's friends at Christmas, especially to the point of excluding some of my other children. Also, my mother is also the same one who felt I needed to have an abortion with my 2nd child because women need to have careers, not more children. She feels everyone has the right to one child, but is obligated to have no more. She thinks China's family planning policies are wonderful.

[Athena]

it sounds like you are looking to your sister for something she can't give.

As you said she has different family values. My dh and I both have siblings with different values than us. We gave up trying to have a "hanging out" together kind of relationship years ago. We were trying to get something from them that they just didn't get. I would come home from spending time with them upset, or worst having my kids upset. yuck~ They are not bad people, but would I want to hang out with them if we weren't related?? hum?? :confused:

Now we stick to family gatherings for what they are... family gatherings. and we have made lots of awesome friends to raise our kids along side...

I hope this make sense. It isn't meant to be mean to your sister at all.

 

I feel the same way here. My dh has had to remind me (countless times!) these are not my friends, they are my family and it is NOT the same thing. It sounds bad, I know. But really, I was trying to get something from the relationship that was not possible.

 

I love my sister but she is not my best friend. Our lives are too different. It was tearing me up to try and live like that. Our relationship is 100X's better since I realized that I had to take her where she was at and nothing more.

Just as an example, she stayed with us for a month then moved into her new house (@ 3 wks ago). I still haven't seen it and most likely I won't get an invite any time soon. She just won't think about having us over. :confused:

I recommend books about emotional abuse and healthy boundaries. I think it was called Toxic Families. It helped a lot!

 

Hope you get a healthy spot and can deal with your realitives sanely!

Blessings,

Christy

[Amy in NH]

I'm sorry, but I think you are dealing with a toxic family situation. I'm sure other people here can offer a good selection of reading materials on this topic.

 

I would have my kids' birthday parties at *my* house, and invite those people who are supportive and close to my family. If that didn't include other family members, they wouldn't be invited. If your mother can't respect your guest invitiation list, then don't have the party at her house. Invite her, tell her you're sorry she is too ill to make it, visit her another time without any other family there so that she can celebrate your son, and don't look back.

 

They obviously don't value you or your children, and you can't make them.

 

Just my $.02.

[scrappyhappymama]

{{{HUGS}}} It really sounds like you are hoping for something from your family that they are not in a place to give right now. I'm not saying this is your fault, but that sometimes we hope for folks to act with common decency toward us, but unfortunately not everyone has the same values.

 

I think you are doing a good thing by accommodating your mom and having family get-togethers at her home. But that complicates things because then you really can't dictate how the party should go, since it's not your home. It sounds like you envision a cheerful fellowship with just family time, but that its just not that important to the rest of your family. You're not alone in this. That's why Hollywood can make so many movies about wacky extended families, because most of us have them!

 

It might help to lower your expectations about these events. Maybe take the high road and don't cut off relations with your family all together, but just don't expect as much from the visits. Tell your son, "We're going to go visit grandma today so she can wish you happy birthday. Your aunt and cousins, and maybe even some other folks will be there too. Then, later we will have your special day with friends at the pool." That way, you and your children expect the family visit to be a certain way, and you don't have to deal with disappointment as much. And you can have a special activity later, focused just on your child and celebrating them.

 

As for other events, you'll have to decide whether it's worth offering to treat, knowing that they may take advantage of your kindness. It's kind of like lending books . The best policy is only to lend things with the understanding you may never receive them back, right? Then you are pleasantly surprised if they are returned and in good condition. Same with your sister. Don't offer to treat unless you know you are willing to deal with whoever else may tag along. Or, just don't offer to treat anymore. Another option is to set firm boundaries. I am by nature a non-confrontational person, so I know how hard it can be, but if you state up front: "I'd like to treat you and niece to a movie, but if anyone else comes, you'll have to cover them," you leave no room for misunderstanding.

 

Again, I don't mean to imply by these suggestions that you are doing anything wrong. But unfortunately, you can't cure rudeness in others. You can only change how you interact with them. The only silver lining, perhaps is you have the chance to show your own children how to deal with inconsiderate people in a gracious way.

 

Good luck mama!