How do you handle your quick-to-rage child?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

DD7 (my "spirited" kid) just tried to tie her own shoes for the first time. I only showed her once, so for her to expect to do it on her own right away was not realistic, but I didn't want to stop her when she was so excited. She tried to show me, got frustrated and angry when it didn't work, took off the shoe and threw it with all her might onto the floor, and stormed outside.

 

This is this kid's personality. Things have gotten much better since I modified her diet, but ultimately, it's still who she is. She comes by it honestly, as it comes right down the family tree. I do truly believe there's a genetic component based on what I can see in my family, and based on the fact that DD10 is nothing at all like this and that DD7 has been like this pretty much since birth.

 

Now, that said, genetic or not, I still have to work with what I've got, right? So, how does one teach a quick-to-rage child to moderate that rage in order to function in the world? Do you think there will ever be a way to eliminate all that anger, or is it the best we can hope for to simply teach them to manage it? She has a coping mechanism for the anger (taking herself out of the situation--she comes back calm and ready to function, though not ready to re-tackle or discuss the original frustration), but I'm wondering if there's a way to defuse the throwing/storming off part. Is that something that comes with age, maybe?

 

If anyone deals/has dealt with this and can share, I'd love to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

[TravelingChris]

Both of my kids who had this were also ADHD and once treated, it went away.

[gardenmom5]

My son was hypersentive to nitrates/nitrites and removing them from his diet made a big difference. He's also being treated by a naturopath for anxiety.

[JumpyTheFrog]

:bigear:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Mine is almost 8. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

[sunnylady303]

I have a 6YO with a quick trigger temper. She gets it from DH. When we first got married, we had 5 holes punched in the wall in the first year we were married. He is much much better now....but was so quick to lose his temper when he was younger.

 

For my DD...it's hard. We have affirmed that it is hard and that rage and frustration is beyond her control. She can control what she does with it.

 

We have taught counting before speaking. We have taught her to say, "I have to go take a minute." We have told her she can yell in her room.

 

We act out situations. She loves this. After she calms down, we recreate whatever made her lose it and it seems both therapeutic and helpful for the future. Plus, she's goofy enough that she really likes that.

 

We've given her some attention in how to use music and art to express emotions.

 

These are all probably not that helpful. But that's all I've got. I'll be :bigear:.

Edited September 25, 2012 by sunnylady303

[justLisa]

I really think it comes with age. I have intense kids. Throwing something would be damaging it and "I will take care of this for you for a while."

 

At one point or another both of mine were very quick to stomp or throw something. That kind of thing. Over time they just learned to control that need to throw/hit/spew hate and tone it down. DD still stomps off upstairs but usually by the time she has stomped to the top she has released a bit.

 

I also tell mine that you have the right to spew whatever thoughts you have IN YOUR ROOM with the door closed and not so loud that I can hear downstairs. I have no doubt they do this. I have crappy thoughts sometimes and I don't need to say them outloud, but somehow giving them permission to do so helped. I think they sometimes struggle with wondering if it's ok to have crazy thoughts or not. We all do, it's just as adults we can work out more in our heads.

[Tiramisu]

A book called The Explosive Child explains the inner workings of kids like this. It's all about low frustration tolerance. It also talks about discipline techniques that work since the ones for typical kids usually do not.

[justamouse]

A book called The Explosive Child explains the inner workings of kids like this. It's all about low frustration tolerance. It also talks about discipline techniques that work since the ones for typical kids usually do not.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Time, practice, patience.

[Denisemomof4]

Both of my kids who had this were also ADHD and once treated, it went away.

 

:iagree: my son with ADHD is like that, my dd with it isn't. As I read your post I was wondering if your dd has ADHD. Many/most kids with it also have behavioral issues. Meds, biofeedback, diet, fish oil all produce results but no one treatment will work for all.

 

i usually just ask what the appropriate response would have been in these types of situations. A lot of parents make the kid re-do the situation the right way, sometimes more than once, or re-do until it is done right. I never had the patience for that.

[mom2att]

A book called The Explosive Child explains the inner workings of kids like this. It's all about low frustration tolerance. It also talks about discipline techniques that work since the ones for typical kids usually do not.

 

I third this recommendation--it really helped me understand and relate to my son. He's 12 now and still has his moments, but reading this book was a turning point for us.

[dbmamaz]

My 9 yo is still a lot like this. Trying to help him tie his belt at martial arts, he speaks harshly to me and waves his arms at me and stomps his foot. I touch him and give him 'the look' and he clenches his body and tears start leaking out of his eyes. similar today with spelling.

 

CHanging diet helped, he's on vitamins and supplements. i think fall allergies make it worse, but i'm not sure. I should probably check out the book - all my kids have been super challenging, but this one is the quickest to the frustration-anger . . . yes, like his father (who is not the father of the other two)

 

Today was a bad day and i am DRAINED

[musicianmom]

Occupatioal therapy has helped my dd greatly.

[SonshineLearner]

I like the going back through the situation and having THEM explain what they could have done. Seriously, hurting someone else is the only thing that I spank my son for. I really don't care if it makes sense to others or not, he knows that if he doesn't control his temper and hits someone, he gets spanked. If I had to do it over and over, I'd consider something else. For him, it's only happened once in months. I really work with him about being kind. He's really just a sweetie. :) I have him on meds so he has a chance and it's made a HUGE difference and he's on a very small amount, compared to what he could be on...

He can now go to Kempo and pay attention for 1.5 hrs..... it's great!! :)

[Unicorn.]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Time, practice, patience.

 

:iagree: And as a pp said, both of mine like that are AD/HD. Make sure she is getting enough sleep. You might look in to valerian root. Just because you think she's sleeping, doesn't mean she is getting REM sleep.

[katilac]

<snip>

 

Now, that said, genetic or not, I still have to work with what I've got, right? So, how does one teach a quick-to-rage child to moderate that rage in order to function in the world? Do you think there will ever be a way to eliminate all that anger, or is it the best we can hope for to simply teach them to manage it? She has a coping mechanism for the anger (taking herself out of the situation--she comes back calm and ready to function, though not ready to re-tackle or discuss the original frustration), but I'm wondering if there's a way to defuse the throwing/storming off part. Is that something that comes with age, maybe?

 

If anyone deals/has dealt with this and can share, I'd love to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

 

Note: I haven't read the other replies. Removing herself is the first and most important step, imo. I was thrilled when my dd could first do that, lol.

 

The throwing/storming off part is going to be mostly maturity, ime. We did work on trying to recognize the 'almost exploding' feeling, and we did teach her some phrases to try and use like 'I need a break.' In the early stages, I was really the one who had to keep an eagle eye out for frustration, and say 'go take a break' before it reached defcon 1.

 

If you want to actively work on something, I would make it the throwing. That's not cool because it can hurt someone. That might be the thing I would give consequences for. I personally did not give them for storming off, b/c hey, kudos to you for removing yourself. One step at a time.

 

 

She is 12 now, and I'm happy to report that there is seldom any yelling, and never any throwing. There's still a bit of storming off, but honestly, some kids take a very long time to lose the dramatic huffing and body posture.

 

Honestly, if there is no foot stomping or slamming doors, I'm happy. If there is foot stomping or slamming doors . . . I'm still pretty dang happy. It doesn't happen often, and she has worked long and hard to get to this point.

 

It just improved very gradually until one day, when she was 9 or 10, I realized it had been a good long time since an explosive reaction. That improvement just continued, and hopefully will keep on.

[redsquirrel]

Well, my kids are def not ADD or anything, but they do have quick and intense tempers. So do I, so I know where it comes from.

 

Anyway, I do a lot of talking before we attempt anything and I ask if they want help. So, with something like tying shoes, I use LOTS of verbal cues like "Well, I will show you, but please don't yell at me if you get frustrated" and "tying shoes is hard and can make you feel angry. If you start to feel that way just stop, it's not a big deal" If I see them getting frustrated I say things like "Your body (or face of voice etc) is showing me you are feeling angry. Think about what you can do instead of yelling."

 

If it was something like karate, I ask before I offer any help. I say things like, "Do you want my input? If you do, then don't yell at me." And both my boys know that if they do yell at me for requested help, then I will walk away and let you figure it out by yourself thankyouverymuch.

 

So, that is what I have found helps my kids. I don't have any idea if it will be of assistance to anyone else. And, as someone has mentioned, they do get older and that seemed to help the most. Now, I just need to remind myself of that when it comes to my 7 year old. ;) We are very much in the thick of it these days.

[katilac]

Another thing I did, for both my girls, was a technique I learned from this very board many moons ago.

 

During a calm time, explain to them that there is a scale of reactions. If you spill your milk, you should react with a 2 or 3 at worst. 8s and 9s need to be reserved for painful injuries, beloved teddy bears going up in flames, and so on. Spend some time talking about situations and what reaction they rate. Make a game of it.

 

Then, after an episode (when everyone is calm), tell her that she reacted to a 3 situation with a 9 reaction. Gradually, you can start asking her what number reaction she should have had, and how it would have looked compared to her actual reaction.

[2squared]

My 8yo is a lot like you described. He shows a lot of Aspie traits, and things set him off quickly and intensely. He/we are in counseling right now to help him find coping strategies for his anger and anxiety. My ds doesn't hurt others, but he does hurt himself.

 

I believe that my ds's intensity is one of his biggest blessings. He works harder and tries more than anyone else I know, and it is all because of his inherent intensity - The same intensity that he has trouble controlling when he is angry.

[Spryte]

Another vote for The Explosive Child. I have also found Living With Intensity and Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students to be helpful.

 

DS is 8, and we have identified a lot of his triggers. Some things are very basic - enough sleep, timely nutritious snacks. Some things are trickier - he has multiple food allergies, many life-threatening but some that cause behavioral issues only. He has non-wheezing asthma, and cannot always articulate when he's not getting enough oxygen - at times, he used to panic about that, and react with anger and fear. We found also that one of his meds was known for causing rages. He took that med from 2 yrs old till 7! If only we'd known sooner, we'd have less to "unlearn" now. But we didn't know, and can only work with where we are now.

 

There are some good resources about perfectionism in kids - I keep meaning to look them up again - your kiddo might benefit from those, too.

 

Oh, and we also worked through the book for kids, When Your Temper Flares together. We just made it part of school, and did the drawings, etc. That gave DS some good tools, and I would highly recommend it.

 

Forgot to add that we did a *lot* of inflammation reducing. We did a ton of supplements, per our environmental doc's recommendations, and that has helped tremendously. I take it for granted now. We added massive air purifiers to our home, removed many sources of VOCs, and did lots of environmental changes. DS has severe environmental allergies, too, so that may be why that helped so much. Doc's idea was to reduce overall inflammation because that does indeed impact the brain, and how we function. So we checked for heavy metals (and found they were high, likely from birth due to his genetic history) and did chelation, etc. I cannot stress how much this all helped.

Edited September 25, 2012 by Spryte