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How do you and your dh divide up daily household responsibilities?


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I'm at a point of facing burnout. Dh & I are sitting down tonight to discuss how things get divvied up. This is not a marital stress issue - we are very happily married - it's more of a "what's realistic for both/each of us" and trying to find some way to get it all done & be fair to each.

 

Dh, like a lot of single-wage earners, works long hours - 12+, 5 days a week (not weekends though). Some of this is his choice - he does tend to be a workaholic. Some of it is truly the demands of his job. I, as the homeschooling parent at home, do everything else: cooking, errands, kid-shuttling, bill-paying, taxes, garden-tending, pet-tending, meal clean up, shopping. Dh is wonderful at doing projects on weekends, and on doing tickle time with the kids at night, as well as reading to them sometimes, but he has little energy or interest in doing daily tasks.

 

My kids are 7 & nearly 10 and are starting to help out a lot more. However, they both still need to be supervised somewhat closely (esp. the 7-year old) for any complex task (read: any truly helpful ones).

 

So, before our meeting tonight, I'm wondering: how do other couples with a career-dad & homeschooling-SAHM do this?

 

It's just so easy for EVERYTHING to end up on the mom's plate (because we're home), but I'm spending too many nights still doing chores at 10 or 10:30 at night, with little time to read/think/do things for myself.

 

Speak, hive, how do you/your husband manage the workload?

 

I'm not very good at regularly reading posts, so if this subject has been discussed before, please just point me to the link.

 

Thanks!

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My DH typically works 45-50 hrs per week. He makes dinner a few nights per week, takes care of getting the trash and recycling to the transfer station, and most importantly, he does the dishes every morning. We don't usually clean up the kitchen after dinner because it is late and we'd rather spend the time together. He gets up early - way before the rest of us - and does the previous night's dinner dishes in the morning before he goes to work. He used to throw a load of laundry in the wash on his way out, but now that the laundry is next to the master bedroom he doesn't do that anymore (it's too noisy for that time of day).

 

When I need him to, he gets kids to/from their evening activities. He also plays with the kids in the evening, when I'm feeling tired from the day and need some down time.

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My dh works a ton. He does the house maintenance, car maintenance, some yardwork because he is a perfectionist with that, and he loves to cook. He does most of this on the weekends.

 

At 7 & 10 my kids wiped down bathrooms, swept, cleaned their rooms, vacuumed, dusted, etc. Yeah it wasn't always to my satisfaction. I did and do have to check.

 

We lead very busy lives here and I do a lot of running kids around. I wonder if your standards are too high for yourself and your home?

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I'm at a point of facing burnout. Dh & I are sitting down tonight to discuss how things get divvied up. This is not a marital stress issue - we are very happily married - it's more of a "what's realistic for both/each of us" and trying to find some way to get it all done & be fair to each.

 

Dh, like a lot of single-wage earners, works long hours - 12+, 5 days a week (not weekends though). Some of this is his choice - he does tend to be a workaholic. Some of it is truly the demands of his job. I, as the homeschooling parent at home, do everything else: cooking, errands, kid-shuttling, bill-paying, taxes, garden-tending, pet-tending, meal clean up, shopping. Dh is wonderful at doing projects on weekends, and on doing tickle time with the kids at night, as well as reading to them sometimes, but he has little energy or interest in doing daily tasks.

 

My kids are 7 & nearly 10 and are starting to help out a lot more. However, they both still need to be supervised somewhat closely (esp. the 7-year old) for any complex task (read: any truly helpful ones).

 

So, before our meeting tonight, I'm wondering: how do other couples with a career-dad & homeschooling-SAHM do this?

 

It's just so easy for EVERYTHING to end up on the mom's plate (because we're home), but I'm spending too many nights still doing chores at 10 or 10:30 at night, with little time to read/think/do things for myself.

 

Speak, hive, how do you/your husband manage the workload?

 

I'm not very good at regularly reading posts, so if this subject has been discussed before, please just point me to the link.

 

Thanks!

 

Well - my DH is gone more than half the year and when he is home his schedule is really erratic. He also works really long hours.

Anyway - this makes sharing duties difficult in any sort of consistent way.

Rather than even trying - he tries to do what he can, and when I need him to help me - I ask. :) Basically. When he is here, he is pretty much in charge of the yard and our pool - but he does delegate to our teen boys. I don't care how it gets done as long as I don't have to deal with it :)

He does finances from home and when he's deployed - and that is a huge load off my shoulders.

I am, for the most part, in charge of cleaning the house - but if I am really overwhelmed and it seems like DH might have time - I ask him to help.

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Well, my husband only works 32 hours a week but he studies 20-25 hours or more each week. When school is on break, he works 40+.

 

We both do what we can, when we can. Right now with me not working, it makes sense for me to do most all of the housework so we can be with him when he is not working or studying, rather than watch him do chores. My husband is not someone who expects me to do all of it and that honestly makes me more ok with doing practically all of it. I know that when he has time (school breaks) he steps up and does more. When he had more time and I was working, he did the laundry and baked weekly, among other stuff.

 

Right now, when he gets home he leads the kids on a "10 minute clean up" which is basically picking up school and toy stuff while I am cooking. Very helpful. Then he makes sure our sons set the table and then when dinner is done we eat. The boys clear the table and he does the dishes most nights. I have cleaned the kitchen and floors most days so all he needs to do is load the dishwasher. He will grab a basket of laundry or tackle a cleaning job here and there. We do finances together because it is easier for us to both be in the loop.

 

When there is more to do than the 2 of us can handle we drop something or pay someone else to do it. When I worked, we paid a guy to come weekly and clean plus spent time housecleaning together on weekends. We take our car in for service instead of doing it ourselves. I neglect the backyard because I just don't have a lot of time for it right now.

 

So generally as of this year my tasks are: homeschooling, scheduling, grocery ordering/shopping, meal planning, cooking, packing lunches, cleaning bathrooms, 90+% of the laundry, ironing (just napkins and a few shirts), making beds, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning hard (wood/tile) floors, mending, cat care, minimal yard work, car stuff, driving kids to and fro etc. Our older son helps quite a bit. It works out ok, but I am glad we have a small house.

 

ETA: I do help my husband somewhat for his school/work. I cook for his potlucks, drive him when need be, help him study (flash cards, quiz on notes) because he doesn't have the benefit of being able to meet up with a study partner because of work and family obligations. I also have renewed his professional license for him by driving it 1.5 hours when he forgot to mail it. Man am I ever grateful that he is on ADD meds now. He forgot his license 2 years in a row before. Ugh. We are a team.

Edited by kijipt
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You are still in young kid stage. You might have to let it go a little so you are not stressed all the time.

 

The way tasks come out in the house, me 100 to dh a few.... But he works long hours as well. I do get aggravated at the "I worked all day, I need to unwind" deal. If your dh is willing to pitch in to an organized effort, then definitely plan one or more "get the house together" events. That tends to work here, then everyone knows its happening and will help. Each family member has their task, one vacuums, one dusts (buy the cool swiffer dusters!), one cleans bathrooms, one puts stuff away. Then change up, mop the floor, put laundry in, fold laundry, reorganize something. With your kids being younger, they may not be able to pitch in quite as much yet, so another idea is to put them to bed or have them watch a movie, and you and your husband do a concentrated effort.

 

Ideas:

Have an order pizza night (Friday?) and everyone clean like crazy for 2-3 hours

Have "hurry and put away things" drills a few times a day, like a time out or "hurry scrub the bathroom"

Cook double amount meals and either freeze the other half, or have the next night

Simple meals, don't fix a labor intensive meal every night, I like to boil roast and vegs, or chicken and vegs, or double amount of spaghetti, I also do hamburger patties on the stove quite a bit

 

(Also, I don't wait for everything to be done and up to date to take a break.....if I did, I would not be getting a break of any kind for quite a while.)

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I do all of the inside chores, housework, laundry and meal prep. He does the yard, garage, snow removal, cars and trash. Very traditional, I know, but it works for us.

 

My dh works 50 hours a week, and I really don't feel like he needs to come home to another part time job. I'm a SAH mom, and I feel the housework is my job. He doesn't demand that I come to his office and take part of his workload, I don't demand that he come home and take mine.

 

I only ever had 3 kids at home at one time (oldest two are in college now, although my son commutes and still lives at home), so it really wasn't anything I couldn't manage. We homeschool in our kitchen, and I did work while the kids were doing their assignments. Dinner is always started by 10 AM, dishwasher and kitchen are cleaned up while the kids are doing seat work, five minutes breaks occur after every few subjects so I can throw in some laundry.

 

Kids are finished with school by 2 PM, and all the rest of my housework (and errands) are completed by 5 PM. From 5-6 PM, I finish dinner preparations. After dinner, I clean the kitchen (with the kids' help), and then the rest of the evening is mine. My dh loves spending time playing with the kids after work (if we aren't doing a family activity), and I really appreciate that. He and I also take a walk together in the evenings...weather permitting.

 

So, I'm very June Cleaver, in that I feel the household responsibility is all mine, and I don't want him interfering with it.

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My DH is out of the home for about 11 hours each day. I work only part time (25 hours/week) and am responsible for the schooling. This means that I do the majority of the housework and kid related activities simply because I have more time.

He is in charge of family finances and house maintenance and does more yard work. He is happy to help with transporting kids, and is happy to help out whenever I ask him to.

 

I do not find household tasks to be very time consuming, so I do not feel this a significant burden.

 

In the evening, we don't do housework. DH and I like to go for a one hour walk after dinner, and then we relax, or he might do some more work on his computer.

 

OP: what chores do you end up doing at 10:30 at night? Maybe you can simply cut out certain things and not do them at all?

Edited by regentrude
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Dh works 10+ hours a day, 5 days a week. And his shift rotates.

 

My jobs as SAHM are:

 

 

 

  • Meal prep for dd and I during the day. I have that cleaned up by 1p.
  • Bathroom cleaning 3x a week. I did not clean up laundry left on the floors. Everyone has learned from experience (me calling them up to come get their stuff) not to leave clothes and towels on the floor or hanging in inappropriate places.
  • I vacuum and feather dust 3x a week. I try to do door frames and baseboards with the duster at least once a week
  • I clean the kitchen floor (read scrub it) once a week
  • I do one to two loads of laundry each day. This is not necessarily put away each day, but it is folded and sorted into baskets.

 

 

Everything else is up for grabs. Each evening the following get done:

 

 

 

  • One person cooks (generally me) dinner
  • One person cleans up dinner dishes
  • One person assists the cleaner-upper This way kitchen duty is divided evenly
  • After the food and kitchen have been taken care of one person takes out the trash the other two make a quick sweep of the downstairs area to make sure things are tidy.

 

This generally keeps the house neat and presentable. No one person is doing all the work. That would be the maid's job and we don't have a maid.

 

 

On the weekend (or whenever dh is off. Sometimes this varies) a good general somewhat deeper cleaning occurs. It usually takes about 60-90 minutes. All three of us participate

 

 

  • Each person cleans (polishes furniture, vacuums, clean sheets on bed) his or her room
  • The hardwood floors get mopped
  • The furniture gets polished
  • The rugs get vacuumed
  • Glass gets cleaned
  • Appliances wiped down
  • Bathroom gets a more thorough cleaning
  • Laundry is put away

 

 

 

Then quarterly and semi-annually there are jobs that I take a day to accomplish. Things like cleaning behind furniture and appliances, ceiling fans and light fixtures, etc.

 

 

HTH

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I try to do most of the cleaning but it just isn't possible to keep it up to a high standard with us living in it all day. My children help but it's never to my standard but I have to let it go. I make sure we cycle through the different chores so each kid and myself is having a turn at all of the chores (of course, there are some I don't have them doing yet) so at least when I do it I know it's very thorough. We spent from Oct 2010 to Oct 2011 with our house on the market and we really learned how to clean and clean fast during that time!

 

My husband does most of the outside stuff and he will sometimes do dishes after dinner, fold laundry while he watches TV, etc. If I ask him, he will do almost anything. I just try to reserve those times for when I'm really needing help. When his parents are coming for a visit (his mom is a clean freak) he steps it up and we do it all in one evening.

 

It's hard bc he is tired, I'm tired and the kids just want to play but we have to have some semblance of a neat and tidy home.

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Well - my DH is gone more than half the year and when he is home his schedule is really erratic. He also works really long hours.

Anyway - this makes sharing duties difficult in any sort of consistent way.

Rather than even trying - he tries to do what he can, and when I need him to help me - I ask. this is me. He gets annoyed when I try to do it all, but he's just waiting for me to ask! :) Basically. When he is here, he is pretty much in charge of the yard and our pool - but he does delegate to our teen boys. My dh is much better about DIVIDE AND CONQUER. I don't care how it gets done as long as I don't have to deal with it :)

He does finances from home and when he's deployed - and that is a huge load off my shoulders.

I am, for the most part, in charge of cleaning the house - but if I am really overwhelmed and it seems like DH might have time - I ask him to help.

We have a farm, so he does lots of farm work that I can't do. But we both pitch in on lots of chores, inside and outside,

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Don't forget to include the kids in the household chores! My kids start doing their laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away) at age 7. At 7 they can vacuum, clean off the table after meals, load and unload the dishwasher, wipe off bathroom sinks, feed animals, help with yard work. At 10 they can sweep the whole kitchen with a broom, wipe off kitchen counter tops, clean bathrooms, etc. Remind them that you are a team and you need everyone on the team to work hard.

 

My husband takes care of everything to do with the dungeon (basement), yard work, working on and cleaning vehicles, trash removal. He does help me out around the house at times, but for the most part that is my and my kids job. He mops the floor and scrubs the bathtubs when I am pregnant. He'll sporadically put clothes in the washer/dryer, help make dinner, help clean up after dinner, help the kids clean their rooms when I am stressed out about the mess. But all that is just extra, and I try to help out some with his areas as well, like touch up paint, cleaning out the van, picking up trash and weeding outside.

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My husband works at least 12 hours a day, and we don't split up chores, never have. I do it all.

 

When the kids were younger, we were just more relaxed. Look, there's only so much you can do in a day. That is not saying the house was messy, either, but I've never aspired to a Beautiful Homes layout. ;)

 

BUT, I taught them how to clean up after themsleves and now they are great helps, even folding laundry. ;)

 

My husband takes out the garbage, takes care of the pool (which is a gargantuan task), shovels snow and takes care of the cars.

 

We're others that are traditional, and yep, it works for us.

Edited by justamouse
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I do all of the inside chores, housework, laundry and meal prep. He does the yard, garage, snow removal, cars and trash. Very traditional, I know, but it works for us.

 

 

 

This is pretty much how we do it too, though our son does a good bit of the yardwork. We do not have a lovely well-maintained yard though, I will admit.

 

When the kids were little and couldn't help much, we just let our standards slip a bit. I didn't feel like I had to keep the house super-clean all the time. Clutter built up day by day. I used to joke - though it's not funny - that it was good to have company now and then so the house would get clean. Actually, as I type this, I realize it hasn't changed that much, though now the kids do more. We still end up with clutter though, because we have things going on and in our small house sometimes projects in process just can't be put away.

 

Years ago when I would complain that my husband didn't do housework, I had some advice that echoes Diane's above - my husband doesn't ask me to come to help him with his work, so I am not going to ask him to help me with mine. He does sometimes do dishes and frankly I wish he wouldn't - not because he does it badly but because there are other things that need his attention more than dishes.

 

We are in a bit of an unusual place right now as my husband was recently a student (so studying and going to class were his work) and then a pastoral intern (40 hours a week but sometimes odd hours with meetings and family visits and such) and now working on a temporary basis but nearly full-time while fixing up our house and looking for a permanent job. But still, we pretty much maintain our division of labor because it works for us.

 

I was sometimes resentful because I'd be working at 9 or 10 pm and he would be reading or hanging out. But then I realized that I have bits of down time during the day (I'm not doing housework or homeschooling this minute!) and if I used that more efficiently I might feel more relaxed and that I'd had a break. Intentionally taking some downtime during the day helps me a lot and keeps that resentment at bay.

 

Edited to add: the entire burden of our family's financial well-being is on his shoulders. It means a lot to me that I have been able to stay home with my kids even while he was a student (working part-time some of that time, or living off savings). So, maybe I cut him some slack on playing x-box while I am cleaning the kitchen. Works for me, anyway.

Edited by marbel
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Dh does mowing, car maintenance and repairs, house maintenance and repairs (well sometimes I do little things but he does it better and quicker and generally prefers to do it himself). Any big work outside he does but I do lots of stuff as well. We all split duties for trash.

 

I generally do everything else; finances, laundry, food-shopping-cooking-planning, cooking, schooling. However, at different times I ask for different amounts of help, like with a newborn or right now when I am hugely pregnant and haven't hardly been able to sleep at all(for months!). So, he very occasionally makes a meal or pitches in with evening clean up time or we all fold laundry together. Sometimes on the weekend he helps as well. The other day he vacuumed the ceiling fan as that requires a ladder and climbing right now as huge as I am seems like a bad idea :) The dc's are expected to help as well as they are able.

 

I do help with some of his out of the house duties. He doesn't usually ask but it is easier and quicker for me. So, I make calls and arrange things for the Parish Council (he is president). I've also done all of the organizing for him as Cub Scout leader, arranging field trips, typing up schedules and everything else but actually lead the meetings.

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I appreciate all the replies. It is interesting to see the differences between families of how they approach this, and it will be helpful for he & I to review together.

 

My post was about far more than housework, however, so I can't really relate to the examples of "my job, his job" with housework. I'm already doing all the housework, plus a lot more.

 

I honestly think the best/most important thing we can do right now is attack this as a family. Perhaps we all doing kitchen clean up together, and then tackle house clean up, or dh can do that with the kids while I cook, per what another poster put up. And I need to be more disciplined with the kids on a daily basis, getting them to hold up their end of the bargain.

 

It is nice to see how other people handle it, so thank you all.

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Dh is gone 11 - 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, between work and his commute. My work (maybe 10 hrs each week for paid tutoring and teaching) and homeschooling take about 30 - 35 hours a week. He does the bigger outdoor projects (mowing, etc. about 8 months of the year), and car repairs. I do everything else, including some yard maintenance, our garden, financial stuff, and pretty much everything in the house. We do some shopping together, but all planning for it is my job. Our dc are 7 and 9. I figure he puts in 60 hours per week, plus whatever he does on weekends, and I doubt I put in more than 70. I can't see asking him to do more around the house given his schedule.

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FWIW, my DH works from home so he can do more than if he was gone all day to the office. Basically, we have ended up doing what we each like to do and don't try to be fair about it. We didn't make a list or talk about just how much each of us should do. It just happened naturally. For example, DH cooks dinner every night except for take-out nights. He likes to cook and I absolutely hate it. He also cleans up after dinner because he likes to load the dishwasher because I do it wrong (or so he believes). However, I do try to help when he isn't shooing me out. He puts clothes into the washer and dryer and I help to fold them. I clean the bathrooms and dust/sweep/vacuum the other areas of the house. Oh, and he does all outside work because I hate little critters. They totally freak me out. :D Also, he handles all the bill paying just because. There is no specific reason. I did it for a long time and then he just took over.

Edited by Night Elf
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Dh and I work within our strengths/preferences. He's an amazing cook so he gets the job 5-6 nights a week. However, meal planning is something we both do and I do prep work for the meal as well as clean up after.

 

I do laundry, dh folds it, I put it away. (I HATE folding laundry!)

I do bathrooms, keep up the sweeping and mopping, and declutter. Dh does most of the outside work, vacuums, and does the heavy work on his days off. We trade bedtime routines with the kids, but dh gets up in the middle of the night with the wee'un and takes him down first thing in the morning. We both budget, but I pay the bills since I'm closer to those offices.

 

I'm really lucky he does so much. The guy never gets a chance to just sit when he's at home because there's either a 2yo climbing in his lap or he's working on something.

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I'm at a point of facing burnout. Dh & I are sitting down tonight to discuss how things get divvied up. This is not a marital stress issue - we are very happily married - it's more of a "what's realistic for both/each of us" and trying to find some way to get it all done & be fair to each.

 

Dh, like a lot of single-wage earners, works long hours - 12+, 5 days a week (not weekends though). Some of this is his choice - he does tend to be a workaholic. Some of it is truly the demands of his job. I, as the homeschooling parent at home, do everything else: cooking, errands, kid-shuttling, bill-paying, taxes, garden-tending, pet-tending, meal clean up, shopping. Dh is wonderful at doing projects on weekends, and on doing tickle time with the kids at night, as well as reading to them sometimes, but he has little energy or interest in doing daily tasks.

 

My kids are 7 & nearly 10 and are starting to help out a lot more. However, they both still need to be supervised somewhat closely (esp. the 7-year old) for any complex task (read: any truly helpful ones).

 

So, before our meeting tonight, I'm wondering: how do other couples with a career-dad & homeschooling-SAHM do this?

 

It's just so easy for EVERYTHING to end up on the mom's plate (because we're home), but I'm spending too many nights still doing chores at 10 or 10:30 at night, with little time to read/think/do things for myself.

 

Speak, hive, how do you/your husband manage the workload?

 

I'm not very good at regularly reading posts, so if this subject has been discussed before, please just point me to the link.

 

Thanks!

 

Our "chore division" falls along fairly traditional lines. He does cook some of the time and he does half or more than half of the kid-shuttling to activities. He does outdoor care and most general maintenance. The tasks he does that are normally "mine," though, are usually because I have specifically asked him. He will cook a meal if I said, "I won't be home until 9:00; I really need you to throw the chicken on the grill. I'll put potatoes in the oven before I leave." Something of that nature.

 

So, basically, it looks like this: My jobs -

Cooking most meals; buying almost all food, clothing, goods, gifts; teach the kids; pay bills/manage finances; dr apts, haircut apts, dentist apts, etc.; all laundry and general cleaning that are not the kids' jobs; interact with the school for dd; arrange social engagements; care for the cats.

I do some of the gardening, care care and household task like change a lightbulb, paint a door.

 

His jobs - Cut and trim grass; some of the gardening and car care; half to a bit more than half of the kid-shuttling to activities; major home care work like pressure-washing, remodel work, etc.; cares for the dog. Cooking a meal every week or two.

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I honestly think the best/most important thing we can do right now is attack this as a family. Perhaps we all doing kitchen clean up together, and then tackle house clean up, or dh can do that with the kids while I cook, per what another poster put up. And I need to be more disciplined with the kids on a daily basis, getting them to hold up their end of the bargain.

 

 

 

There is a definite synergy to all member of the house focusing in on something at once. We will turn on some music and have little races and jokes etc. not only does it go faster, it's nice not to feel alone.

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DH does all the yard work (our yard is small), pays the bills and vacuums the house once a week. He also takes youngest DS to all his baseball practices.

 

I do everything else. All the cooking and grocery shopping, all cleaning besides vacuuming, laundry, errands, trash, car maintenance, all the homeschooling.

 

FWIW, DH doing the vacuuming only happened when we moved six years ago. He wanted a larger house and a smaller yard. I said that means more work for me and less for you. He said tell me how I can help. And so I asked him to do the vacuuming.

 

Works for us.

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I do all of the inside chores, housework, laundry and meal prep. He does the yard, garage, snow removal, cars and trash. Very traditional, I know, but it works for us.

 

My dh works 50 hours a week, and I really don't feel like he needs to come home to another part time job. I'm a SAH mom, and I feel the housework is my job. He doesn't demand that I come to his office and take part of his workload, I don't demand that he come home and take mine.

 

 

:iagree: This. We do have a housekeeper that comes once a month that I pay for with my very part-time job. It's easier for me to do something that I'm good at and then pay someone to take care of what I'm not good at, cleaning bathrooms. :)

 

That said, I still get burnt out on the daily cleaning. My DH works 50+ hours a week as well and he does NOTHING around the house. He also leaves his stuff everywhere. It is beyond annoying but I can't imagine having to work a corporate job 50+ hours a week. I would be miserable and freak out on anyone asking me to clean when I got home.:tongue_smilie:

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My husband works between 40 and 60 hours a week and then an additional 1.5 hours in the car every day there and back. He does the following:

- Car maintenance

- Home maintenance (like fixing things, etc., not cleaning)

- Yard maintenance (all of it, and we have very close to 1 acre)

- He wakes up with the kids and makes them breakfast

- While they are eating he loads and/or unloads the dishwasher (I'd say he does about half of the total dishes)

- He helps my 4.5 year old practice numbers, letters, shapes, colors, etc (that is new)

- He does the toilet and shower cleanings

- His own laundry

- He does lunch every once in a while for the kids if he is home

- Cleaning the garage

- Takes the trash out of the house and also the trash and recycling to the road each week

 

I do:

- Everything else. :)

- Homeschooling DS7

- Meal planning

- All the stuff that the kids require during the day

- Driving them around to co-op, park days, group activities, etc. and attending those with them (and some volunteering)

- Cooking dinner, and most lunches, every once in a while breakfast

- Cleaning the house besides the few things I mentioned DH does (so I do the general picking up, vacuuming, mopping, wiping down bathrooms, deep cleaning, decluttering, etc.)

- My laundry and the kids' laundry as well as the household laundry like sheets, towels, kitchen stuff, etc.

- Bill paying and anything financial

- Selling or donating things we no longer need or use

- Vacation planning

- Grocery shopping we do as a family but I make the lists and budget and do the actual shopping while he is mostly just entertaining the kids

- I work from home as well but it doesn't require much time on my end, I do earn an income, though

- Appointment scheduling/calendar stuff

- Anything that needs to be bought, I do as well. So clothes, books, whatever, he never buys anything unless it is needed for the cars or is music.

- Painting anything, he is no good at it

 

I'd say it is pretty evenly split given the time he spends out of the house. He may even do more overall, to be honest.

Edited by HomeschoolMamaOfTwo
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One more idea- we do "family power hour" which is usually only half an hour during the weekdays when I am cooking dinner and an hour Saturday mornings. Basically everyone is expected to clean up. Pick up toys, clothes, books, trash, put everything away, sweep and vacuum, straighten up. During the week they do it downstairs while I cook dinner and on Saturday mornings we tackle the upstairs. We get a ton of stuff accomplished with everyone working for 1/2- 1 hour together! With 10 people living here the house is never spotless.

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We divide things based on our location. He's rarely home, so I do most of the housework. It never seems really "fair" to either of us, but we just do whatever need to be done. We try to help each other as much as we can.

 

My husband works about 75 hours a week between two jobs. He has our only car most of the time, so he also does the shopping on his way home at night. I hate that he has to do one more thing, but it's just more practical right now. He also takes care of the yard and car.

 

I do cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids, school, snow removal, etc.

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My husband is military and his hours vary wildly, but they tend toward very long days when he's home. His chores are the lawn, the cars, washing the dogs, and the trash.

 

It's hard for him to stay on top of those. He has such little time with the kids that I hate to use any of it on the four hours it takes to get the yard in order. In fact, as soon as we can swing it, we're going to have a lawn service come in once a month. That will leave him with taking care of it once a month too. Pre-kids, he was out there every weekend, but I'll take a slightly unkempt lawn over the time lost.

 

I take care of most everything else: laundry, household chores, cooking, etc. We have four kids under 5. I'm only formally homeschooling the oldest, and even that is only about an hour or so per day. We have one kid in therapy four days a week for four hours per day. It's a pain to get him there and back because the roundtrip cuts about an hour out of our day, but we've got to do it.

 

Before our last was born, I felt like I was on the brink of a meltdown because of my inability to stay on top of the chores. We decided that having someone into help would be cheaper than psychiatric care, so we hired a person to come once a week and take care of the floors and bathrooms. That leaves me with laundry, vacuuming, and dusting. I can handle that. I even had time last week to scrub all of the grout in the kitchen.

 

I really couldn't ask my husband to do more when he works so hard already. However, he is cognizant of the fact that I have a full plate too and he's more than willing to use part of our (limited) budget to make my life a little easier.

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I do all of the inside chores, housework, laundry and meal prep. He does the yard, garage, snow removal, cars and trash. Very traditional, I know, but it works for us.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is how ours works but dh also does his own laundry and also does all of his mother's yard work as well. He also handles pretty much all home maintenance tasks. If I am completely overwhelmed, he will pitch in with the other house stuff as well. However, we gave up living in a picture perfect house a long time ago. I work 2 12 hour shifts each weekend so letting some of it go, is the only way anything gets done.

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I do all of the inside chores, housework, laundry and meal prep. He does the yard, garage, snow removal, cars and trash. Very traditional, I know, but it works for us.

 

My dh works 50 hours a week, and I really don't feel like he needs to come home to another part time job. I'm a SAH mom, and I feel the housework is my job. He doesn't demand that I come to his office and take part of his workload, I don't demand that he come home and take mine.

 

:iagree:

 

I do make the kids do a good share of the chores. We maintain through the week and then we do any cleaning on Saturday morning that we didn't get to earlier in the week. Sometimes DH participates in the Saturday cleaning, sometimes not. Usually I'd rather he didn't. :D

 

I do most of the kid-shuttling--it only seems fair to me, since I'm the one who manages the family schedules (if I say they can go to a b-day party, I'm the one who is responsible for getting them there and back).

 

He does pitch in if I ask him to or if I'm overwhelmed, and of course he takes over the household stuff if I'm gone for a weekend or something. I feel that, while my "job" teaching the kids is as important as his job, I have a lot more flexibility during the day to maintain the house, and he needs time to relax and time to enjoy the kids.

 

Granted, I don't have the highest standards of cleanliness. :D I'm not someone who can't go to sleep unless the kitchen is clean, etc.

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And I need to be more disciplined with the kids on a daily basis, getting them to hold up their end of the bargain.

 

By 10 years old (and earlier, actually), my kids were doing the dinner dishes on their own. Everybody did their own breakfast/lunch dishes, and they were responsible for the animal feeding/watering and yard clean-up. My dd and I would tackle the main living areas on weekend while my dh and ds did the yard work. They also were vacuuming/dusting their own bedrooms, and cleaning their own bathroom. Sometimes I put music on and we'd all get to cleaning - they'd work on their rooms and I'd work on mine.

 

Now that that they are in high school, things have changed a little. I do the animal feeding, breakfast/lunch dishes, and outside plant watering. My ds does dinner dishes, and they both still clean their own bedrooms/bathroom. I've always done all the laundry, but they are starting to do more and more because they want to wear certain things (I do laundry when the hamper is full).

 

As high schoolers they are getting busier, particularly my dd, who has a full academic load here, and is involved in marching band, choir, speech & debate (all at ps), and the homeschool honor society. She has hardly any time to breathe, let alone do chores. The rest of us pitch in and get it done. My dh travels a lot, but when he is home he cooks dinner every night & works on honey-do projects on the weekend.

Edited by Elinor Everywhere
forgot an apostrophe
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For us, it has just happened organically. We never sat down and decided this stuff.

 

Usually, I:

do all the deep cleaning (sweeping, bathrooms, window washing, etc.)

change the sheets

clean the kitchen

cook the meals

keep life organized

tend to what little garden there is

 

He:

takes out the trash

mows the lawn

does all the laundry

 

We both:

tidy up

rake

clean up the cat's mess

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Dh works full time and has had some health issues, but in the past he has done more around the house.

 

Right now he pays the bills, assists and delegates yard work to ds, puts the trash out on trash day, does any maintenance, cooks his own lunch on the weekends (we all eat at different times), and will occasionally clean the bathroom or kitchen. He takes care of the cars too.

 

I do laundry, cook dinner (ds has been helping since he was little), dust, take care of the pets (feeding and cat box), clean bathroom and kitchen.

 

Ds is in charge of vacuuming once a week, doing all the dishwasher chores, taking out the trash as necessary, mowing part of the yard.

 

I hate cooking, but it is tolerable when ds is helping. I am sensitive to cleaners so dh will occasionally deep clean with bleach in the bathroom and kitchen.

 

Dh is inherently cleaner than me, but we developed decent habits and have less stuff than we used to. Our biggest clutter is dog hair and teen boy in the kitchen.

 

I used to do the bills too. Having dh take those over helped immensely in the overwhelmed category.

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Dh works 40 hours a week.

 

He does:

-Grilling about 5 dinners out of 7 per week. He LOVES to grill & cook.

-Changes diapers about 1/2 the time when he's home.

-Watches the kids for me in the morning on the weekend so I can sleep in (baby is still keeping me up at night)...this means he plays on his computer while they are in the same room, but I still appreciate it. :)

-He occasionally helps with baths, usually that means showering with a couple of the boys.

-He changes their diapers before bed, tucks the older boys in.

-Mows the lawn.

 

I do:

-Everything else.

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DH ...... Leaves around 7am doesn't come home until 7pm.

 

We don't divide. I do what I can.

 

Oh except cut trees for firewood. But I do haul it and split it.

 

There came a time that I realized that I couldn't do it all, then I was able to get off antidepressants and be happy again.

 

No schedule, clean as I can or want to....

 

There will be a day when all the kids are gone and my house will be spotless, until then, ain't gonna happen!

:lol:

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I do the majority of the laundry, but DH will throw a load in or change it to the dryer if I ask him to. We share the cooking duties about 50/50. I do the majority of the dishes b/c he won't do them unless I go on strike and they are piled to the ceiling (for some reason he flat out refuses to just do a small load of dinner dishes *shrug*), and if the house needs to be picked up it is on me b/c he won't do it (again, unless I go on strike and the house is a disaster). Even if I'm sick or not feeling well and can't do the small load of dishes, he still won't stand up and do them. It irritates me to no end. He's also the same way when it comes to mowing the lawn. If I want it done, I need to do it.

 

He grew up in a very bad household, and he and his siblings were in charge of doing EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc, etc, etc...EVERYTHING) from the time they were old enough to walk. I think that is the reason why he is so hesitant to do housework now, and I understand but it still stinks b/c he is an adult in a household now, and I'm sort of a feminist that doesn't think that it is 100% a woman's job to do everything in the house. I think it should be a partnership. I do understand that since he is the primary bread winner in the family that I should be responsible for most of the housework, but not all of it. He's made it clear in the past that he thinks I should do everything, and I don't think that is fair.

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I can't help you, lol. We have the same problem. Not a "problem" really - nobody is upset over it - but there doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground. *When* I need help, he isn't able to because he is physically at the office. When he *can* help, I don't really need it, kwim? My most stressful parts of the day are DURING the day - the preschooler and newborn while homeschooling the tweenager; keeping up with the house (I cannot work efficiently when the house is unkempt; that's a "me" thing), schoolwork, entertaining and giving attention to the boys, cooking, errands, etc. This isn't something that can be fixed. He is more than willing to play with the boys in the evening, does things with the kiddos on the weekends, enjoys cooking a few nights (especially the weekends when he has the whole day to cook), never minds a few dishes in the sink, etc) - but that isn't where I need the help. He can't play with the boys remotely during the school week/day, cook dinner during the week, bathe the children during the week, nurse the newborn while educating the tween, or run the errands at venues where there are time limitations to the "running" (places that are only open banking hours, for example, while he is at the office).

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My husband works similar hours to your (except he does have call on certain weekends), and does "typical guy stuff" on the weekends when he can. Usually involving the car, the exterior of the house etc. He does most of the bill-paying too. Like yours, mine is very good with the kids, once he is free he is happy to devote his attention to them.

 

So I guess I don't have any advice other than to say I vacuum when it needs it, rather than according to any daily schedule. When my husband does have free time beyond what he already does, I'd rather he devote it to the kids rather than doing chores, since he sees them a lot less than i do! It has been helpful to get the kids helping with the chores -- they also have a lot more free time than my husband! Might want to see what you can achieve with Kidpower.

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My dh works at least 45 hours a week. He does try to work less if I am having a lot of stress.

 

He does car upkeep. (The basic yardwork is done by the church) He does basic home repairs. He is in charge of the trash (the kids do the recycling.) He used to do dishes when I cooked (but now the kids do.) He cooks twice a week. He does the main grocery shopping (taking the 3 year old so I have a morning to teach w/o her there.) He does the budgeting and inputing of receipts and bill paying (more bc he is better and more patient with the high detail work.) He is the main handler of tenant issues/rental upkeep. He does the taxes. He deals with the money guy (we have someone handle our investments.) And he handles Boy Scouts. Okay, now I'm feeling like a slacker--but I do a lot, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I find myself feeling overwhelmed when I end up having to pick up after everyone. Usually the kids are pretty good, but with the beginning of the school year much has changed and I noticed they are less mindful of picking up after themselves. I brought it up at dinner last night. :) DH has never been very good about it and he has a higher threshold for mess , meaning he doesn't even notice when he, or anyone else, makes a mess.

 

I do all the household and kid stuff. We split mowing (just happens that way, no agreement, he would do it all if I didn't mow sometimes) but he does the edging and many yard projects (at my request). I do bills and taxes. He grills about once a week. He is definitely a work a holic.

 

Also, when the kids were younger we just had so much stuff! They don't really like arts and crafts much but parts of our house often resembled an engineering lab with various pullies, composites, and contraptions. They do less of this as teens, but they still had a field day with moon sand last week, packing it down to different densities and then testing the hammer resistance. Now I don't know what to do with it all.

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I do 95% of the household duties. Dh does mow the yard and washes his work clothes at the laundromat (he has a very dirty job!) but I pretty much do everything else.

 

My girls get up early so my days are at least fifteen hours long with them up. I pretty much move non-stop all day long. I don't formally exercise since daily activity is enough so I don't spend time doing formal exercise. I also multi task a lot. I rotate rooms to clean but I like to keep the kitchen and living areas cleaned daily. Sure, I get tired but apparently got used to it! On the weekends, I do ask dh to help with bathes.

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I do most of the cleaning with help from the boys. Dh does vacuum the stairs as he didn't like the one time I fell doing them.

 

Cooking is shared... If he has time, he cooks as he finds it to be a great stress reliever (which I'm fine with, he's a better cook than me).

 

He, along with the boys, get the outside work done, although I'll help if there is a lot of bagging or something.

 

If the home maintenance is easy, he does it, or we call someone to do it.

 

I do all the finances except the retirement and college accounts.

Edited by CathieC
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My DH works a lot of hours, too but it varies from week to week. However, he finally realizes that he is also a member of the HOUSEHOLD and as such, contributes to the messes in the house, so can also contribute to helping keep them under control.

 

We don't have a set schedule of who does what and not everything always gets done, but he'll help to do or delegate to one of the kids:

 

1) He'll grab the vacuum and vacuum

2) He'll change a load of laundry and fold the stuff out of the dryer

3) He'll do dishes if the sink is full and I haven't gotten around to it

4) He takes the kids out most evenings when he gets home for a "jog" (he jogs, the kids ride their scooters, giving me a few minutes for mental health

5) He'll cook supper some days during the week, as well as breakfast and lunches (or usually brunch) on the weekends

6) He'll swish the toilets with the toilet brush if they need it

7) He'll sweep the floors if they need it

Etc. The only thing that I can think of that seems to be my job (because it doesn't register on his this needs to be done scale) to do or delegate is dusting. I'm cool with that because when I dust I also declutter and rearrange shelves if need be.

 

I do finances, paperwork, filing etc. too. He would, but I don't want him to mess up my system. :)

 

But, like I said, it's hard to say exactly how we have it divided up because we really don't. Whoever happens to get around to doing it, does it - and now without resentment toward the other one like "ugh, I'm doing his/her job" or "why is this always MY job?". We don't have set jobs except he earns the paycheck and I school the kids. The rest is a joint/partnership effort. And when certain chores don't get done, they don't get done....until they do. KWIM?

 

ETA: When we had outside chores (lawn is done for us now), it was the same. I am just as capable of running the mower and weedwhacker as him so if it needed to be done, I did it, or if I didn't he would.

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