Help! My son, 8, is becoming a wimp!

[Ginger]

My ds, 8, was born 'all boy'; always rough and tumble, first broken arm at age 1 1/2. He loved sports, was the star hitter on his baseball team at 6. He lived outside from sunup to sundown. Caught bugs. Got muddy. Rode his bike, his skateboard...you name it. He's always been handsome, could make friends anywhere. Last summer, on any given day, there'd be 5-10 boys in our yard. Now nobody is outside.(the kids that he was hanging around with were bad influences anyway--3 broke into our house while on vacation last month, so it is a good thing that he isn't hanging out with them anymore--but still side that the life of the neighborhood has died).

 

Something has happened over the past year or so, but mostly the last few months. He no longer plays outside. If I do make him go out...he comes in a few minutes complaining it is too hot out(we do live in Florida, but last summer he lived outside AND insisited on wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt everyday). He doesn't want to play any sports...he hates them, he says. Doesn't want to get dirty, doesn't want to break a sweat. Yesterday I asked him to bring the garbage cans inside--and while in the past he would have grudgingly done it--yesterday he asked me to help him and proceeded to hold his nose, while trying to drag a can with one finger. When the can would fall, he'd whine and not pick it up saying that it would make him throw up. His behavior was just preposterous. That's when it hit me that I've been seeing more and more of this 'whimpiness' in him. Lately I've been having him do pushups for disclipline, and it is really pathetic to watch him and listen to him whine. His sisters can do better ones than he.

 

I'm volunteering this week at VBS, so I've been kind of keeping my eye on him, and while he is having fun, I don't really see that he has buddied up with anyone. It seems like his is becoming, for lack of a better term, and I mean this tongue in cheek--'the wierd homeschool kid'.

 

As I've been noticing these changes lately it has made me consider that maybe that he should be in school. My dh is always saying he needs to go to school. Now I'm seeing his side. But where we live, the public school is out, and there are no quality christian schools near us either. Basically putting him in school and having my two daughters at home would be a big hardship, time wise(not even to mention, financial). I can't imagine having to get my son to school everyday--which would be a 30min.+ drive just to get there, come home, school my daughters, then another hour roundtrip to pick him up.

 

My kids have lots of friends and playdates. We go to Classical Conversations. He's been in another weekly homeschool school since kindergarten. This past year, my son did spend 3 afternoons a week with us at my daughters dance studio for her dance classes. Maybe that wasn't the best thing for him--but even there, he does have friends who he hung out with.

 

My dh thinks that if he is in school, that he would want to play sports.(my thoughts are that if dh wants him to play sports, that HE needs to take him to baseball games, basketball games, watch sports with him on tv etc...But my dh is not a sports spectator).

 

I am beginning to wonder if school would be good for him. Maybe the peer influence would help him in a positive way. Maybe him being home all day in a house full of girls isn't what he needs. And to top it off...last night in the car he told me that he wanted to go to a real school (this was the first time he has ever brought that up). He said 'everyone knows that homeschool kids aren't normal'.

 

I have prayed and prayed for direction. I feel He wants me to continue homeschooling, but I hope I am not turning my back on the Lord telling me to put him in school.

 

I think it is too late to do anything at this point for this year. I can tell him if he really wants to go to school, that he has to work really hard this year(he is dyslexic and at least a year behind in reading). I'd probably have to put him back a year in school, which I am not opposed to --but of course my family will think that it is my fault that he is behind.

 

I feel like I'm just rambling. I want my son to be a leader and a warrior for Christ. Working at VBS this week, I have been very impressed with some of the public school youth helpers.(which isn't our public school district). And I'm actually thinking that school may not be as bad as I have made it out to be.

 

Any words of wisdom? Could this just be a stage? Has anyone's boys grown out of this? WWYD?

[Cheryl in NM]

That is a drastic change in behavior and attitude and in a short time. I would be worried that something major had happened in his life. A disinterest in everything someone loves points to a major upheaval in their lives.

 

The whiny behavior might be a recreation from a TV show or book he's reading. Can you see where that behavior is modeled for him? If you can cut it out of his life if you can, but address is somehow. Ds went through a phase and there was no mercy. Meaning that when the garbage can tips over ds would be told to pick it up and put it out (in a calm voice). If ds said he was going to throw up I'd tell him to make sure he got it all in the trash can because it wouldn't be fun for him to clean it out of the carpet. Make it clear that he will finish the chore assignened to him and clean up any messes made while trying to get out of the chore. Then, after the trash is put out, tell him that he did get it out and it wasn't the horrible thing he thought it was. Give him the opportunity to see that it was just a chore, no big deal and he did it. The whinning didn't affect the chore at all.

 

I say this with the utmost understanding, maybe he realizes how disappointed you are in him. That's very upsetting for children. Re-read your post as objective as possible. It's dripping with disdain and dissapointment. I understand how frustrating dealing with the perceived feminisation of your son is; I've been there. Ds is back to being "all boy" now and what I'm telling you comes from my experience. He sensed how disappointed I was with him and it sent him into a tailspin. I supported every behavior and action that I thought was appropriate for him and calmly addresses those that didn't. That helped. It's amazing how our children pick up on our feelings.

 

I would talk to your son calmy and without judgment about why he doesn't love the things he used to love. If he truly won't/can't get back into the things he loves then help him find new interests and encourage thoses completely. He still needs your guidance and he really might not be a sports/bugs fanatic anymore. That has to be okay with you. He's your son and you'll love him no matter what; he needs to know that. KWIM?

 

Hope this helps.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I would have to agree. Gently, your post sounds like you have a clear idea of what you think he ought to be. At his age, my boys starting becoming more of who *they* were. It was hard b/c I had ideas of who I thought they were, and they weren't living up to my expectations. It was very confusing. When I decided to embrace them, for them, I realized that there are many members in the body of Christ. Not everyone can be an eye, or hand, or foot.

 

I'm not saying you should allow the whining, but sports might not be his cup of tea. Based on your post (which always loses something via cyberspace) it sounds like sports are an idol for you and dh, or at least an expectation of what it means to be masculine. Honestly, big deal if he is not a sports kid.

 

I will say, if his attitude is changing all across the board, that is a huge flag that something has happened.

 

I would really take a look to see if a)he has really changed to an emotional wreck, or b)if he is just changing into a different kind of boy than you expected him to be

 

I have a sports boy. I have an academic boy. They both are manly, just in different ways. The sports boy is more self-centered, but great with getting along with others. The academic will work to fill the needs of others, particularly on an individual basis, and will play the games, but does not excell. They are both strong soldiers for Christ, each created in His image, waiting to fulfill the purpose God has for each of them.

 

Meant to encourage,

[PeterPan]

1) Is your dh saying the thing about school in front of your ds? That obviously would have an effect on him.

 

2) You really made your ds sit through dance lessons with a bunch of girls days a week??? Does he have anything comparable in his life?

 

3) When you say you're having him do push-ups for discipline, do you mean punitive discipline or mental discipline/toughness? My dh has always cautioned me never to take anything I want them to do willingly and turn it into punishment. You may have set up a funky dynamic there inadvertently, turning something guys typically learn to like (flexing and being buff) into drudgery and a pain. The fact that he's not putting himself into it shows it's skewed. I would develop a positive plan for him, something buff-building and filled with rewards. Is he old enough to go to the gym or weight room at the YMCA? That would give him some inspiring, buff models to emulate. ;)

 

It certainly is possible to sissify a boy. I don't have one yet, but I've seen some where you really wondered. It's also possible to make a girl into a real sissy, just a skirt-clinger and not strong. I think the same principles apply, where they need inspiring role models and to be launched into doing things that satisfy or stimulate them. Making a boy tag along behind his sisters isn't exactly going to do that. He needs his OWN things. But at this point, it sounds like he needs a male role model to come alongside him and make that happen. Can you get him a Saturday job where he works with a man? Being in a classroom with a girl teacher isn't going to necessarily make that happen, and not all the lessons you learn on sports teams are good. I think boys need time with men or else really strong women who can prompt their boys to become men (thinking of the mother of Michael Jordan here).

[Soph the vet]

I don't think putting him in school is the answer.

How about Boy Scouts? Lots of outdoor activities/skills and some sports. How about spending more time with dad? They should do some building projects together.

Buy your ds the "Dangerous Book for Boys" and them support any activity in there that he finds interesting.

Instill vision in him for someday providing for and leading a family. How does he interact with his sisters? Is he told to "protect and defend" them?

[Old Dominion Heather]

Just a thought, but you say that your dh isn't a "sports spectator" and also doesn't take them to and from. If that is the case, I doubt that your son is going to be too into the sports thing.

 

That said, I forced my ds to play football last year. All our other commitments took a backseat because this son needed to see how guys interact with each other. He wanted out at first but by the first game, he was thrilled with it. I won't let him play this year because he would have to move up to the next age bracket and play with boys who are more than two years older. He is VERY wirey and they would out weigh him by more than 50lbs.

 

But having the experience made him more likely to try other sports. He played basketball last winter and will do wrestling this winter and basketball again.

 

Like it or not, I think that youth sports are an important part of our culture and I wanted ds to learn to play the popular sports so that he can (a) play a pick up game and understand what to do and (b) have something to talk about to other kids. I think that it is very important that homeschooled kids do not JUST hang out with other homeschoolers. If the boys in your neighborhood are not a good option, then I think that forcing him to play sports is possible the way to go. He can always try a different sport next time if he HATES it.

[Ginger]

Thank you all...I'll try to address some of the questions/comments...but I might have to run out the door in a minute.

 

The sports thing---after a few seasons of baseball we took last fall off...He was wanting a break as he was complaining about going to practices etc. In the winter he said he'd like to try basketball...so we signed him up for that. He ended up being the worst kid on the team. I think with his ADD, he just couldn't follow the game..he ended up just running up and down the court, no one would throw him the ball, and the two or three times the whole season that he did get the ball, he didn't know what to do with it so he literally just threw the ball down. I think that kind of sealed his deal with sports.

 

I strongly feel that my kids need to be active in some way to get excersise(as he isn't getting it on his bike/playing anymore). So in April we did swimming. He seems really great at swimming. It seems to be 'his sport' as far as what he is talented with. However he did it for 6 weeks, and didn't have much desire to continue it..nor to give what would be required of joining the swim team. I just want him to find something that he is passionate about. He likes hip hop. He was taking once a week, and ironically he is really really good at it. He sure didn't get his rhythm from me. (oh,and he didn't sit through my daughters dance classes, just at the studio with us, where'd he'd hang out with one of his best friends--who also takes a lot of classes there. Great homeschooled kid whose passion is dance and theater)

 

I have considered boy scouts...but I'd like to find a troop with other homeschoolers. If dh took him to a 'school' group, he'd harp on the fact that ds is the only homeschoolers.

 

I'm really praying over our fall schedule. I'm going to list all our options, and meet with the kids and choose our activities carefully. We've a habit of being too overcommitted, and I don't want that to happen this year.

 

As far as major changes in his life....For the past 3 years his best friend has lived across the street. Vinnie is 3 years older than ds, and has a lot of issues(bi polar among others). So for years, ds has been 'older' than his actual age, as all the neighborhood boys are older. A few months ago,he and Vinnie got into a fight, and ds lost a lot of interest in playing with him. Yet he still would play with him, but Vinnie would want to play outside, and ds would just want to play legos or video games-so mentally he kind of drifted apart from him at that time. Well last month we went on vacation. When we came home our house had been broken into by Vinnie, his brother and another neighborhood boy. They stole some of Cade's favorite toys(pokemon figures, cards, his money, wii remotes etc.) I didn't press charges as the parents enrolled them in a program the jouvenile justice center. But obviously Vinnie is no longer allowed anywhere near our property. So that has been a huge change is ds's life. I know it is a good thing because it broke that friendship.

 

I'll answer more in another post as this is getting quiet long.

[johnandtinagilbert]

maybe he's really depressed about Vinnie. If they've been bf for so long, and now this boy has so harshly gone against him, he may just be hurting. Try and point out the good in life and encourage him in those areas. This doesn't seem like something that putting him back in school would make better...maybe some tenderness and time.

Best wishes on this. It's so hard being a parent sometimes.

[Remudamom]

I can tell you that you don't need PS to man him up. Our best friends have one son and five girls. He's not into sports, but he isn't a wimp either.

 

I sure wouldn't make him sit through ballet though, that would be excruciating for my boys.

[beansprouts]

I saw that your ds has ADHD. Is it possible there are sensory issues coming into play (i.e. the garbage?)

[Cheryl in NM]

I have one thought about putting him into public or private school. His problems will not go away and you will have less influence and time to deal with them. If anything, public school will make the situation worse. IMHO

[Jenny in Florida]

There are lots of dance schools that have classes just for boys, often taught by male teachers and really promoted as a "guy thing." Since you're spending so much time at the dance school, maybe that would be an option for him? It would give him a physical activity with a male role model and an automatic male peer group.

 

My son has been dancing for over three years and loves it.

[Ginger]

Pushups for discipline---I actually got that idea on this board ;-) His 'offenses' as of now, have been: profanity, calling his sisters names, and taking the Lord's name in vain.

 

My fil has a foilage business on our property. Ds has lots of opportunities to go out there and work with him. I think it would be awesome if he would do that. Occasionally he will...but like last week, he went out and was helping fil stack pots. I think they had like 100 to do--about 1/4 of the way through he got tired of helping and left. I wish my fil would make him stick it out-or that dh would enforce it, too. Both dh and fil are workaholics, hard workers-manual labor. My side of the family has no work ethic whatsoever. I think that is one thing that scares me--that ds will take after my side of the family and be like my almost 40 year old brother still living at home. Fil has the mindset that he shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. It is very frustrating that an opportunity like this--learning the family business, working side by side with grandpa--is wasted. And if I do send ds out back to help out or even hang out...Fil thinks that he is just bored and I'm not keeping them entertained enough.

 

I run around constantly to 'entertain' my kids, if that is what you want to call it...even spent $200 in gas in one week a few weeks ago! So it really irks me when they insinuate that my kids are bored.(and what is so wrong with having a boring day every now and then, anyway)

 

I seem to be turning this into a lot of rants ;-) Dh thinks that if he is in school with other boys who play sports, then he will want to, too. And I'm sure if his peer group were athletic, that it 'would' rub off on him, to an extent anyway. But dh doesn't realize that there are no guarantees who is peer group in a school would be. He'd probably hang around the video game junkie kids. None of his current friends (with maybe one exception) play sports..homeschooled or not.

 

I just want to know that I'm not missing the Lord's calling..that he has raised all these red flags, and I'm justifying them away because I 'want' to homeschool. But that that isn't his intention for ds. I know that if He has called me to something that He will help me complete it. And that He has a special plan for ds, and maybe that he is just at an age where he is becoming more of who is supposed to be.

 

As for sensory issues...you know...I have never in the past had any concern about these. Could they develop this late? In the past several months, I have noticed he has a real aversion to some sounds. Like if he is reading and gets stuck on a work, he freaks out if I put my finger under the word and slowly slide it across it. He can't handle the sound of that, nor of a pencil erasing on a page. i just find it odd that he would develop that this late.

 

Oh, and another thing...I guess he isn't too depressed about Vinnie..he just mentioned to me how much better his life is going since he has stopped playing with him.

[Danestress]

I had a son who wasn't all that fond of sports. He was in public school, and I wouldn't say that made him more interested in trying new sports. It just wasn't his thing. He did start boxing at 15, and that seemed to suit him a lot better than the team sports he had tried prior to that (though he did do and enjoy a few seasons of soccer as a kid). It's just his personality. He wasn't wimpy at all and is a pretty manly 20 year old - planning to be a police officer and gets along fine with peers. He just didn't care for organized sports.

 

You and your husband have to figure this out for yourselves, and I know it's a tough one. I do think your husband's opinion that he should be in school should matter very much to you. I simply would not homeschool if my husband didn't want me to. They are his child too, and even though I think I am right about my choices, he naturally believes that *he* is right. You have my sympathy, because I would be really really upset if DH didn't want me to homeschool, but I just wanted to say that it sounds in your posts like your DH doesn't want you to continue this.

 

But anyway, while I would really listen to DH, I do think you are right that your son is just as likely to fall in with a "video game" group of kids as with a "sports oriented" group. I find that as my kids get older, it's harder and harder to find friends who really aren't that into video games.

 

And I also think that if you DH wants your son in sports, he needs to show him that by making it something really special they do together. He should be out playing basketball with him if he's on the team, going to the games and practices, really showing him that his father is behind him. Otherwise, unless your son is wild about sports all on his own, it's probably just not going to happen.