Adult kid, surgery wwyd

[Danestress]

You don't have to JAWM. In fact, I am of two minds about this, so I am not sure there is any JAingWM. But don't quote me, ok?

 

My 24 year old son is having hernia surgery next week. It's the same surgery my husband had ten years ago.

 

He asked me to take him to the hospital, which is fine. I made arrangements for my other kids and am pleased to take him.

 

Today he told me his girl friend is taking him, but I should go too. I don't really think there needs to be two of us there, and in fact it seems like kind of a long awkward day for two people who don't really know each other. I do like her - I have only met her once because she works long, odd hours, many nights, and doesn't have the same days off my son has. So typically when he has a day off, we see him for dinner, but she is working. She seems very very sweet and nice, though.

 

So of course I spoke without really thinking and said that two people there isn't really necessary. I think it hurt his feelings. He made some snide comment about me making excuses not to do things I don't want to do. The truth is, I did want to take him, but I don't really want to be a third wheel, and I wouldn't necessarily want my boyfriend/husband's Mom hanging out at the hospital for a minor surgery with me. I don't actually know how she feels, though. Maybe she is fine with it.

 

I wish I hadn't said anything and had just gone. But it does seem odd to me to take both your Mom and girlfriend for an outpatient surgery. I will say he is a massive, massive medical worrier. No one else is our family is like he is. I've had surgeries of comparable invasiveness and recovery, and didn't really worry at all. He's seriously been taking about "what if I die on the operating table?" Sigh.

 

So maybe that kind of drama bugs me a little. But I do know this is sort of a harder recovery than the doctors warned us about when it was DH.

Anyway, he left after dinner without speaking to me (I was out back). I am sure it will blow over, but I don't know if I should facilitate that by calling and begging to go to the hospital or if I should just let him figure it out, since he was sort of rude to me. But if you can't stress out about surgery and be rude to your Mom, who are you going to do it to, right? I personally think he should let his girl friend take him and let me meet them after he gets home, because she will have to go to work and he will probably need someone with him. But my younger children are teenagers, so I can totally manage to take the whole day if I need to and he wants me to.

 

He's my most complicated child:( Well, so far, lol.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Danestress

[Jennifer in MI]

As much as I hate to say it, I am that child. I am terribly afraid of doctors. It's awful. But, I understand your son's wondering about dying on the operating table. It's an awful thing to deal with.

 

That said, I'd still want my mom there!!! With the girlfriend. If he's like me, he's scared out of his mind. He wants the familiar with him. Right now, that's the girlfriend, and you. Go. Get to know the girl. Support your son. I'm sure he's not trying to hurt you. He's scared.

[Mommyfaithe]

Maybe this would be a good time to get to know his girlfriend? I don't know....I would probably call and tell him I didn't realize it was important for me to be there, but of course I will come....then just go. Make sure you wear your suit of armour:D and just go.

[Farrar]

Could you maybe bring him or be there at the end? That way you're there, but less long, potentially awkward time with the girlfriend.

[LizzyBee]

I would go.

[elegantlion]

I would go. He's worried and wants you there. Get to know the girlfriend. It's important to him, I would make a point of going. Who knows she might need a reassuring person there too.

[MamaT]

Agreeing with Faithe and Jennifer, I think you should go. He is frightened and didn't handle it well, but he needs you. I would just call and tell him I was coming. I think it will give you an opportunity to get to know his girlfriend, too.

[GoVanGogh]

My sister got divorced last year after a long marriage. She had surgery recently and her new boyfriend planned on taking her, taking care of her, etc.

My mom decided that someone from the immediate family needed to be there "just in case."

My sister was a bit ticked over it, but mainly because she wasn't asked.

And it was awkward for her boyfriend.

But I did kind of think that it was good to have a family member there for my sister, even though she didn't have problems.

 

My DH had hernia surgery two years ago and we don't have family around. He did have complications and it would have been so nice to have someone there with me, drive me home after, etc.

 

I guess I'm with you on being of two minds on this. :grouphug: It is a tough call, either way.

Are you close enough if there are problems that the girlfriend can call you and you can drop everything and go?

In my sister's case, she didn't have any immediate family around if anything serious had come up. Her boyfriend would not have been able to make any legal decisions on her behalf.

[justasque]

He wants his mom. I would go; be there for him.

Make small talk with the girlfriend for a bit (you really should get to know her), then excuse yourself and read a good long book. She will be feeling awkward too, most likely. If you give your son a heads up, she might want to bring a book too.

[Pink and Green Mom]

Here is what I would do (and what I would want someone to do to me, and I could see myself reacting/feeling the same way your son did): I would email (instead of calling) and say something like I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, I just thought maybe your girlfriend would find it akward if I had to sit with her all day (or something to this effect). I would then say something like I am more than happy to come and plan on being there at x time.

 

I would let the rudeness on his part slide at this point, especially given his squeamishness over medical procedures. I would not beg, plead, or ask more than once. I would just state honestly that you are more than happy to wait at the hospital and that your only hesitation was being "in the way."

 

I don't think you did anything wrong by saying what you did. I know that if my mom had said that to me, I would have taken it personally (but that is my problem, not hers, KWIM?)

[Cera]

He's worried and wants his mom there but loves his girlfriend (really likes her?) and wants her there as well (and she probably wants to be there for him).

 

Call him and tell him you just didn't want to be in the way but really want to be there then take the whole day off, go to the hospital with him for surgery and go back to his house after to take care of him when his girlfriend goes to work (if she does).

 

Surgery stinks no matter what, I would have loved to have my mom around to take care of me the last time I had to go and I'm in my 30's (with a family of my own that took great care of me).

[Heatherwith4]

I think you should go. :)

[LaxMom]

Yup, I'd go, too. Moms and girlfriends aren't mutually exclusive, and I can totally see him wanting his support system there when he's worried. You both are part of that.

 

I and my FIL went when my husband had LASIK. FIL just met us there. He didn't have any function, other than being there (and regaling me with the story of his vasectomy... :ack2: Dear FIL, I do not need knowledge of your "junk". The end.)

[abbeyej]

If he's not generally rude to you, I would chalk that up to his anxiety over the surgery. Some people are just more anxious than others. There may be times to tell people to "snap out of it", but I don't think it sounds like he's being really unreasonable here -- just fretting a bit.

 

Call him up. Say you're sorry. Say that if he wants you there, you're more than happy to come. If you go, take a board game or something and take the time to get to know the girlfriend.

 

I don't think either you or your son are truly "in the wrong". Sounds like you were both just a little touchy for various reasons. That's the sort of thing you can both get past.

 

I hope the surgery goes well. And so does your visit. :)

[Catwoman]

Go.

 

Maybe he's not the one who wants the girlfriend to be there; maybe she just offered to go along, and he didn't know how to say no to her.

 

Whatever the case, if your ds is worried about the surgery, he will be a lot more comfortable knowing that his mom is there in case anything goes wrong and he needs an advocate. (I'm sure everything will be fine, but if he's a worrier, or has ever watched a few episodes of House, he's probably imagining the worst possible scenario.)

[Little Nyssa]

He wants you there; he's scared; you should go.

 

I don't know how long the surgery is, but I don't think you are really expected to make conversation with GF for all that time, sitting on plastic chairs in some waiting room. Just be there for him before he goes in, and after he comes out.

 

Bring your newspaper, your knitting, or even go to the coffee shop. You can always say, 'when I am nervous I need to be doing something. I can't just sit here! I'm sure he will be fine, and I will be back at the time that he's supposed to come out. Text me if there's any concern. So nice to meet you, hope we get a chance to know each other better at a less stressful time!'

[elegantlion]

Just adding another thought, girlfriend and mother serve different emotional supporting roles. When I've had surgery, I needed my mom there, my first major surgery at 26.

 

If girlfriend holds his hand and tell him it will be okay, he'll be encouraged, but presumably she is near his age and honestly he may be thinking she's just being encouraging.

 

When you, Mom, holds his hand and tells him it will be okay, the world changes. He'll believe you and it relieve his anxiety because you Mom, older, wiser, maybe a little less hesitant to remind him this is not as major as he is making it. The girlfriend may be just as anxious as he is.

[ZooRho]

22 adult child for me too. I'd have to go, yes he's my worrier too.

 

So just call him and say you have changed your mind and you will be there.

[Danestress]

I knew you all would have good advice.

 

I texted then called him, told him I want to be there, that it's good to have a family member there, etc. I could tell it was the right thing to do and made him feel better.

[Starr]

I'm glad it worked out. I can see wanting Mom because she's mom and the girlfriend because she's the girlfriend. One doesn't have to preclude the other.

[mom4him]

As much as I hate to say it, I am that child. I am terribly afraid of doctors. It's awful. But, I understand your son's wondering about dying on the operating table. It's an awful thing to deal with.

 

That said, I'd still want my mom there!!! With the girlfriend. If he's like me, he's scared out of his mind. He wants the familiar with him. Right now, that's the girlfriend, and you. Go. Get to know the girl. Support your son. I'm sure he's not trying to hurt you. He's scared.

 

I so totally agree with Jennifer.

I have been at the waiting room end way to many times.....by my self.....waiting......wondering......praying........... Take this opportunity to get to know his girlfriend and be a support for both.

 

Just on a side note, this last surgery that my ds had a friend from his work came to the waiting room and sat with me. You can not imagine the difference it made. We had such a good visit and time flew.:)

[fraidycat]

I'm 36 and still want my Mom when I'm not feeling well....it's kinda tough when we live 2000 miles apart, but I do call her and at least talk to her and it always helps me feel a little better.

[Lanny]

If he is having surgery for an inguinal hernia, IMHO, that is not minor surgery. I had it in 1987 and I am glad that it was NOT out patient surgery. When I was told I needed that surgery, I was working out of state, in a state where that was done, typically, on an out patient basis. It was much more extensive than I had anticipated. As I recall, my surgeon did not want me to drive my car, which had an automatic transmission, to the grocery store, which was about 3 miles away, for about 2 weeks after the surgery. There are no minor surgeries. There are only minor surgeons. All surgeries have risk. A friend of mine, who taught Medical students, had surgery for an inguinal hernia, before I did. Fortunately, his was NOT out patient surgery. The morning after his surgery, they discovered he had internal bleeding and they had to do another surgery on him, to repair that. Had he been at home, after out patient surgery, he might not have survived the experience. GL to your son.

[catz]

I would go. He's worried and wants you there. Get to know the girlfriend. It's important to him, I would make a point of going. Who knows she might need a reassuring person there too.

 

:iagree: I might have done an internal eye roll, but if my child wanted me somewhere while they had surgery, I would be there. Even if it seemed unnecessary or was uncomfortable for me.

[Nature]

:iagree:

[Danestress]

If he is having surgery for an inguinal hernia, IMHO, that is not minor surgery. I had it in 1987 and I am glad that it was NOT out patient surgery.

 

It's pretty easy now. Like I said, DH had the same type of surgery - same spot - 10 years ago. He was in more pain the first 24 hours than they prepared us for. So I am really sympathetic about that. It HURTS and general anesthesia can make one feel pretty bad. I am prepared to baby him.

 

But it's a fairly simple surgery now and I honestly am not worried. Nothing is risk free - certainly not this. But my DH had this surgery on a Friday and was back to work on a Tuesday. I don't think he played tennis for 10 days, but he was back to other normal activities in less than a week. My son is actually in a high stress, physically demanding job, so he will have to take more time off then my DH did. I am trying to convince him to follow doctors orders on this!

[Catwoman]

I'm glad to hear you're going. :001_smile:

[Lizzie in Ma]

He wants you there; he's scared; you should go.

 

I don't know how long the surgery is, but I don't think you are really expected to make conversation with GF for all that time, sitting on plastic chairs in some waiting room. Just be there for him before he goes in, and after he comes out.

 

Bring your newspaper, your knitting, or even go to the coffee shop. You can always say, 'when I am nervous I need to be doing something. I can't just sit here! I'm sure he will be fine, and I will be back at the time that he's supposed to come out. Text me if there's any concern. So nice to meet you, hope we get a chance to know each other better at a less stressful time!'

 

:iagree::iagree:

[somo_chickenlady]

I would go also. He was your son long before he was her boyfriend, and he wants you there. My husband had his knee rebuilt after he snapped his ACL, and my MIL was there with me. She also came with when I had surgery in order to keep DH company, so... lol

[Night Elf]

I'm glad to hear you're going. It's possible that the girlfriend feels a bit out of her element. Even if it's minor surgery, it's surgery. That's scary for a lot of people. There are always risks and for people who worry about medical stuff anyway, risks are very scary. I had to sign paperwork when I had oral surgery that downright freaked me out. DH had to go anyway because I wasn't allowed to drive. I was put to sleep for the procedure. My mom called to check on me when I got home. Maybe it's different for guys than girls, but I know I talk to my mom when I'm feeling frightened about something.

[In the Rain]

I knew you all would have good advice.

 

I texted then called him, told him I want to be there, that it's good to have a family member there, etc. I could tell it was the right thing to do and made him feel better.

 

I'm glad you're going. Sometimes it is just nice to have Mom there. :D

[KidsHappen]

I am answering before I read the rest of the responses so that they don't influence what I have to say. I do not care how old you are, when you have a major health concern (especially if it involves the hospital) you want your mom (or at least a very intimate mate of many years). I guarantee your presense there is more important than hers. He may not have even wanted her to come. She may have decided on her own.

 

I am of the opinion that all hospital patients need an advocate AT ALL TIMES (24/7). Having two people present helps split the work. You need someone to switch hit with. Someone waiting for the dr. when you have to go to the bathroom. Someone to take turns getting food and drinks for you two. And finally, someone who has the authority to get medical info from the dr. about your son. She will not have this authority and unless you are there you may not get all of the info on what is going on.

 

When my dd called and said that the ER found a mass in her abdomen and referred her to a specialist at the end of the week, I was there two days before the appt. I went to every appt., test, counseling, etc. She lives with her sister and she was with us every time as well. We took turns sleeping on the guest bed, helping her out asking her questions. There are intimate care items that need to be preformed. He may not want those done by a gf or nurse he doesn't know. You might not want to do it either but you're his mom and who knows some day he may need to care for you. Who better to teach him how.

 

I was there for my grandson's birth and I really can imagine any situation where I would not be there for my children if they wanted me there. Go. If something goes wrong or he needs you for some reason and you are not there, you will never forgive yourself. Preying for you and your son. My hubby has had two surguries for couble hernias. The surgeries weren't so hard but the recovery was. Take all the help you can get. :grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Can I just say that I think it is incredibly sweet that he wants you there? Seriously. He has a girlfriend and she's going to be there but he still wants you there. That is :001_wub: to me! To me it says that if he marries her and they have some beautiful little grandbabies, he's going to be all sweet about you being a valued part of their lives.

 

Having the girlfriend there could easily be a push-Mom-out-of-the-picture situation but he's saying otherwise. Needed. Wanted. Loved. Respected. Aw, what's not to love? :001_smile:

[Trilliums]

Can I just say that I think it is incredibly sweet that he wants you there? Seriously. He has a girlfriend and she's going to be there but he still wants you there. That is :001_wub: to me! To me it says that if he marries her and they have some beautiful little grandbabies, he's going to be all sweet about you being a valued part of their lives.

 

Having the girlfriend there could easily be a push-Mom-out-of-the-picture situation but he's saying otherwise. Needed. Wanted. Loved. Respected. Aw, what's not to love? :001_smile:

 

Made me get all teary eyed.

[besroma]

Glad to hear it worked out. I think you are doing the right thing.

[JudoMom]

I'm glad you're going. I understand not wanting to be the 3rd wheel, but I love that he wants you there, even though he's a grown man :001_smile:.

[TranquilMind]

You don't have to JAWM. In fact, I am of two minds about this, so I am not sure there is any JAingWM. But don't quote me, ok?

 

My 24 year old son is having hernia surgery next week. It's the same surgery my husband had ten years ago.

 

He asked me to take him to the hospital, which is fine. I made arrangements for my other kids and am pleased to take him.

 

Today he told me his girl friend is taking him, but I should go too. I don't really think there needs to be two of us there, and in fact it seems like kind of a long awkward day for two people who don't really know each other. I do like her - I have only met her once because she works long, odd hours, many nights, and doesn't have the same days off my son has. So typically when he has a day off, we see him for dinner, but she is working. She seems very very sweet and nice, though.

 

So of course I spoke without really thinking and said that two people there isn't really necessary. I think it hurt his feelings. He made some snide comment about me making excuses not to do things I don't want to do. The truth is, I did want to take him, but I don't really want to be a third wheel, and I wouldn't necessarily want my boyfriend/husband's Mom hanging out at the hospital for a minor surgery with me. I don't actually know how she feels, though. Maybe she is fine with it.

 

I wish I hadn't said anything and had just gone. But it does seem odd to me to take both your Mom and girlfriend for an outpatient surgery. I will say he is a massive, massive medical worrier. No one else is our family is like he is. I've had surgeries of comparable invasiveness and recovery, and didn't really worry at all. He's seriously been taking about "what if I die on the operating table?" Sigh.

 

So maybe that kind of drama bugs me a little. But I do know this is sort of a harder recovery than the doctors warned us about when it was DH.

Anyway, he left after dinner without speaking to me (I was out back). I am sure it will blow over, but I don't know if I should facilitate that by calling and begging to go to the hospital or if I should just let him figure it out, since he was sort of rude to me. But if you can't stress out about surgery and be rude to your Mom, who are you going to do it to, right? I personally think he should let his girl friend take him and let me meet them after he gets home, because she will have to go to work and he will probably need someone with him. But my younger children are teenagers, so I can totally manage to take the whole day if I need to and he wants me to.

 

He's my most complicated child:( Well, so far, lol.

 

He wants you there. I'd just apologize, and say what you said here, that you weren't really thinking about how it would come out, and that you really want to be there for him. Then go.

 

These surgeries don't take long, I understand.

 

I'd want my Mom! Even now.

[TranquilMind]

I am of the opinion that all hospital patients need an advocate AT ALL TIMES (24/7). Having two people present helps split the work. You need someone to switch hit with. Someone waiting for the dr. when you have to go to the bathroom. Someone to take turns getting food and drinks for you two. And finally, someone who has the authority to get medical info from the dr. about your son. She will not have this authority and unless you are there you may not get all of the info on what is going on.

 

 

Excellent points!

[TranquilMind]

It's pretty easy now. Like I said, DH had the same type of surgery - same spot - 10 years ago. He was in more pain the first 24 hours than they prepared us for. So I am really sympathetic about that. It HURTS and general anesthesia can make one feel pretty bad. I am prepared to baby him.

 

But it's a fairly simple surgery now and I honestly am not worried. Nothing is risk free - certainly not this. But my DH had this surgery on a Friday and was back to work on a Tuesday. I don't think he played tennis for 10 days, but he was back to other normal activities in less than a week. My son is actually in a high stress, physically demanding job, so he will have to take more time off then my DH did. I am trying to convince him to follow doctors orders on this!

 

Yes, at that famous hernia hospital in Canada, apparently they walk away from the table after this surgery!

 

I'm in awe. Praying it goes well and is uneventful.

[Happy]

I'm glad you have decided to go. My hubby had double hernia surgery (out patient) a few years ago. It was harder than we thought.

 

I'm a BIG believer in no single individuals in the waiting room. It's HARD being in there sometimes. Some one to sit with that person is a blessing. You don't have to talk all the time. Take a magazine or some sewing handwork. Or a crossword puzzle.

 

Hope all goes well!

[Danestress]

I don't know what is wrong with me tht I needed group counseling to understand that he just wants me there, for whatever reason - love, fear, security, wanting to feel worried over - and any reason is a good enough reason.

 

He is truly the most complicated relationship I have, but entirely wonderful.

[Catwoman]

I don't know what is wrong with me tht I needed group counseling to understand that he just wants me there, for whatever reason - love, fear, security, wanting to feel worried over - and any reason is a good enough reason.

 

He is truly the most complicated relationship I have, but entirely wonderful.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. Really. Nothing at all! :grouphug:

[stripe]

Also, if I were waiting for someone to come out of surgery, I would rather be there with someone else who cares for the person being operated on. It would be a big responsibility to be the only person to greet him, and also might be stressful to sit there the whole time by myself. I wouldn't assume you'd be the third wheel for him and his girlfriend. I would bring stuff to do that you could share with her, like a pile of magazines.

[Mommyof4ks]

Glad you are going since he wants you there. I am totally like him, and I too worried about dying during a cyst removal surgery. I was 32 with 3 kids, and my son had been through far worse, so I was able to cling to dh, but if he were just my boyfriend I would have wanted my mom there too.

 

FTR, there is nothing wrong with you. We all handle things differently, and you are in a far different place in life with many experiences your son has not had yet.