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WWYD? Older boy texting DD concerning things.


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My daughter, who will be 12 in a week and a half, spent the day at a camporee type thing with girl scouts yesterday from 9 AM to 10 PM.

 

When my husband picked her up, he told me, "She gave her number to a 14 year old boy and he's texting her already."

 

I asked what a boy was doing at a girl scouts event to begin with, and was told he was there helping show them how to tie knots or some such.

 

So when they got home, my daughter said that he had asked her if she wanted to exchange numbers so they could stay in touch, she did so, and when he texted her, we said she could respond (it was just stuff like "hey," "did so and so take my phone number, too," "what town do you live in") but that we were going to monitor these texts and if anything inappropriate was said, there would be no more contact.

 

Then he asked her what she was doing tomorrow and if she wanted to hang out, "just a friendly thing." She said upon our instruction that she is not allowed to "hang out" with teenaged boys. He asked "why not?" and said, "It's not like I'm going to hurt you or do anything to you." We had her say, "Sorry, my parents won't let me," he said "OK," and we sent her to bed, keeping her phone with us.

 

Today she came to me and told me he'd texted her again today, and showed me the texts. He asked her if she could keep a secret and started saying all this stuff to her about when he was in school from K through 6th grade he was bullied badly and even considered suicide and she couldn't tell anyone because he couldn't go through that again and would have to kill himself if she told, and how he also has ADHD and OCD and a bunch of stuff like that.

 

She had answered with things like, "I'm sorry," a sad face, whatever. He asked if that was "too much" for her and she said no, and he said, "then you can be my new best friend."

 

I told her she had done the right thing by showing it to me, that he had issues that were not at all appropriate to discuss with a girl who is still just 11 years old, that I did not want her communicating with him any further as she did not need any of this stuff on her shoulders, etc. She was mildly upset/felt a little bad and wanted to know what was she supposed to do, just ignore him, and I said I would discuss it with her father and I was keeping her phone with me for now.

 

I mentioned it to my husband, and I called dd's girl scouts leader, but just got a voicemail and am awaiting a return call. I have her phone in my pocket and he's periodically texting her "What's up" and "hello."

 

Again, I'm going to discuss it with the leader so she can do anything she feels necessary on her end, and I doubt he's going to be at any further girl scout events for quite some time, if ever, but I really don't want him texting her anymore. Who knows what else he might say.

 

Should I text him and say that I am her mother (or father) and that the things he has been telling her are not appropriate and too intense for a girl who isn't even 12 years old yet and that we have told her she is not allowed to text with him anymore, and then hold on to her phone for a couple of days to see if he abides by that?

 

I suppose I could block his number but I'd have to call AT&T, sign up for "smart limits" which has an extra fee each month, and then block him through there once it went through. I guess I may not have much choice, though.

 

What would you do?

 

Please don't quote, I may delete this later.

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Not appropriate. I would block his number.

 

Fwiw, I know several girls who were guilted into relationships and then the boy threatened suicide when they tried to leave. Lots of long standing issues resulted.

 

Please protect your dd from this guy.

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I think I would text that you are the her mother and don't think the relationship is appropriate and to please stop contacting her. I would also make sure to really praise your daughter for communicating and informing you. I would go overboard about how proud you are of her maturity and that not allowing the communcation is about him not her and that it's your job to protect her and that his revealing intimate details in text messages to a younger girl he met yesterday is not really normal and makes you concerned about his judgement.

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First, if you have any way of saving a transcript of all the texts, do so--if needs be, even copying them out by hand, with the times/dates. Then, through the leader I would try and find out how to get a hold of this kid's parents and share the content with them. If they try to blow it off, act in denial, or anything like that, I'd file a complaint with the police. If it's clear that they're getting him help already, etc., I'd just make sure they get full disclosure of what went on, but save the transcript just in case.

 

It does sound like he's a troubled and likely immature boy reaching out to an inappropriate person for connection more than an incipient predator, but either way your first duty is obviously to protect your daughter, and second to try to see to it the boy is dealt with appropriately.

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This kid is troubled. Essentially he has threatened suicide. I'd call the police. Today. Now. Let them see the texts, give them his number. They can find him and talk to his parents. They can involve whatever services need to be involved to help this young man.

 

And if it is a prank/stalker/feel sorry for me thing then maybe it might scare him straight enough to not do it again.

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This kid is troubled. Essentially he has threatened suicide. I'd call the police. Today. Now. Let them see the texts, give them his number. They can find him and talk to his parents. They can involve whatever services need to be involved to help this young man.

 

And if it is a prank/stalker/feel sorry for me thing then maybe it might scare him straight enough to not do it again.

 

:iagree: I think it would be wise that either the police or his parents know before you text anything back. He doesn't sound well.

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Wow, a 14 y/o boy at girls scout functions. Now, that was smart...

 

If you text him, direct, and short, This is the mom, stop texting now. It might just be better to block him to avoid all future contact.

 

And your dd should always tell those who tell her to keep a secret that she tells her parents everything, and if they don't want her parents to know, then don't tell her. And that it isn't a good idea to give her phone # at first meeting of anyone.

 

Go ahead and get the ability to block, I wish we had it. Dd got wrong number calls (actually meant for the person who had her cell # before she got assigned it) all summer long. Long story, crazy, stressful, had to call the police. But we couldn't block a pay as you go.

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Well my husband texted him from his phone and said who he was and that our daughter is only 11 years old and we do monitor her text messages. He said the things you were saying to her were not appropriate or something a girl that age should have to deal with and because of that and your age, she is not allowed to stay in contact with you. Please do not text her again, we will be monitoring her phone closely.

 

In the meanwhile, her leader called back and I explained what had happened and that we were texting him back to ask him to cease contact and wanted to let her know as well in case there is anything she had to do on her end. She plans to contact his scout master and will keep me informed.

 

Then the kid texted my husband back and said sir, I am a good kid, what did I say that was inappropriate?

 

My husband replied, she is only 11. She does not need a 14 year old kid she met 24 hours ago talking to her about suicide and personal problems. You do not need to contact me or my daughter again.

 

He wrote back, sir that was a long time ago. I am not like that anymore, I am a Catholic, and Boy Scouts changed me a lot.

 

Dh replied I understand that, but you talked to her about it today and it is not a topic appropriate for her age, or for someone you just met yesterday. And you are too old to have a relationship with her. I hope I have made myself clear to you that I do not want you to contact me or my daughter. I will not be responding to any further texts from you.

 

Going to leave it in the scout masters hands now and hold onto dd's phone for a couple of days to make sure he doesn't start texting her again. I did praise her a lot for coming to us and that I was proud of her for not trying to keep an inappropriate secret etc.

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Can't you block him manually through your online account? Verizon allows one to block up to 5 numbers with no extra fee, though there is a parental controls thing for a fee also. You could mention it to the girl scout leader and then block his number so he cannot text/call.

 

Your daughter is awesome for coming to you. So many girls would feel "mature and important" because he was confiding in her, and have kept it secret. I would have myself at that age, probably.

Edited by TranquilMind
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You are handling this well.

 

As a professional, I'd have to report it. As simply an experienced person, I think the suicide mention was simply part of his manipulative behavior. He chose a much younger (developmentally) gir, "disclosed" intimate details too quickly in an immature way to force closeness. That is why your "concern" bell is ringing.

 

The Leader and his parents need to know, and they need to know the content and the why of its inappropriateness.

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Can't you block him manually through your online account? Verizon allows one to block up to 5 numbers with no extra fee, though there is a parental controls thing for a fee also. You could mention it to the girl scout leader and then block his number so he cannot text/call.

 

Your daughter is awesome for coming to you. So many girls would feel "mature and important" because he was confiding in her, and have kept it secret. I would have myself at that age, probably.

 

Unfortunately, no. We had an issue with someone in the past whose number we wanted to block, and when we called AT&T they said the only way to do it was to pay for Smart Limits.

 

So far no further contact.

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I think you and your daughter are handling it very well. This really DOES need to go up the Girl Scout chain of command and also to his Scoutmaster, if he is a boy scout. It sounds like he needs a lot of guidance on boundaries. There is no way a 14yo should be contacting an 11yo AT ALL.

 

Furthermore, when my DDs went to Girl Scout camp we had to sign a form stating whether or not the counselors could continue a relationship via email, or texting, or phone calls, etc. It is not ok for someone leading a program to contact a girl outside of that program without her parents' permission. This boy needs to learn appropriate behaviors and boundaries regarding being in a leadership position.

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It's so great your dd did the brave and right thing!

 

I feel like he was seeing two things: how much private info your dd would give up and if your dd would keep secrets

 

:iagree:

 

Seeing if a kid will keep a secret is the first step of the grooming process. The secret is never anything that would get the person in trouble. If the secret is kept, the secrets escalate. If the secret isn't kept, the person apologizes or acts innocent of wrong doing, and steps back to look for a different victim. It's for these reason that he needs to be followed up on. I'd contact the police, specifically the officer in charge of sex crimes.

 

He may be just a troubled kid, but he's following classic grooming processes even if he's doing it less skillfully than a long-time pedophile.

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I think I would text that you are the her mother and don't think the relationship is appropriate and to please stop contacting her. I would also make sure to really praise your daughter for communicating and informing you. I would go overboard about how proud you are of her maturity and that not allowing the communcation is about him not her and that it's your job to protect her and that his revealing intimate details in text messages to a younger girl he met yesterday is not really normal and makes you concerned about his judgement.

 

:iagree: Let him know you are reading the texts. That may stop them in their tracks.

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:iagree:

 

Seeing if a kid will keep a secret is the first step of the grooming process. The secret is never anything that would get the person in trouble. If the secret is kept, the secrets escalate. If the secret isn't kept, the person apologizes or acts innocent of wrong doing, and steps back to look for a different victim. It's for these reason that he needs to be followed up on. I'd contact the police, specifically the officer in charge of sex crimes.

 

He may be just a troubled kid, but he's following classic grooming processes even if he's doing it less skillfully than a long-time pedophile.

 

:iagree:

 

When I read the original post it sent up a lot of red flags. Immediately asking her to keep a secret is a big one. Another is trying to garnish sympathy very quickly. He sounds as if he wants her to be sympathic and cautious not to dismiss him for fear he may hurt himself. He sounds as if he is manipulating her. I do not believe anything he has said is truthful. It seems predatory. My feelings are based on the information shared, experience with predators, and years of being a principal. At any rate, I agree with and applaud the op and her husband. It was handled perfectly.

 

(please ignore typos ..typing from iPad while in bed with flu)

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It's so great your dd did the brave and right thing!

 

I feel like he was seeing two things: how much private info your dd would give up and if your dd would keep secrets

 

:iagree: The whole thing seemed creepy and manipulative to me. Am I remembering correctly that he asked your dd who else got his number? If there is any way to inform those girls and their parents, that might be good. He might just move on to the next girl on the list.

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You might as well get the blocking service now. Life being what it is, he won't be the only one you eventually need to block. OR, take her phone away from her for a couple of weeks (can she live without it? Not sure how much/what she uses it for), so that way you can intercept any attempted communication. Even though you have forewarned your daughter, and she has been good about communicating with you, it's still unknown what crazy thing he could say next. If she really needs the phone, could you maybe switch phones with her -- give her yours to use for a couple weeks and you use hers?

 

Or, is there a way you can turn off ALL texting for a while?

 

Sorry you're dealing with this, but at least your daughter has a good head on her shoulders!

 

:grouphug:

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Thanks, all. He still has not tried to contact any of us again, so hopefully this is the end of it. I told my daughter that when she gets her phone, she should not text him, she should not delete any of his texts in case we need to refer to them, and should let us know immediately if he texts her. She agreed and I think I can trust her on this. Hopefully the scout master will be able to convey to him whatever message and lesson is appropriate for the situation.

 

Boy, you really wish your kids would never have to be exposed to tough issues, and it's like flying by the seat of your pants trying to figure out how to be honest and real with them and do damage control as necessary and protect their innocence as best you can all at the same time- I'm just glad she has a good relationship with us and that we keep open lines of communication and that she always tends to come to us with questions, things she hears, stuff like this...

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This kid is troubled. Essentially he has threatened suicide. I'd call the police. Today. Now. Let them see the texts, give them his number. They can find him and talk to his parents. They can involve whatever services need to be involved to help this young man.

 

And if it is a prank/stalker/feel sorry for me thing then maybe it might scare him straight enough to not do it again.

:iagree:

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Nance, I think you and your dh did the right thing. I also think it's great that your dd feels close enough to you to have shared all of this with you. That kind of communication will serve you well as she gets older.

:iagree: You have handled this very well. It also sounds like you got support from her Girl Scout leader. Good job with creating a relationship with your daughter that she felt she could come to you! Not all kids would have.

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I would do the following:

 

 

  • Text him to say, "This is ___'s father and mother. We feel your texts are inappropriate for our daughter and are cutting off all further contact."
  • Reaffirm with your daughter the importance of not giving out her contact information. There should be some reasonable consequences for having done so, but she is only 11 years old.
  • Follow up with the scout leader to keep her informed.

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My only input is that I think your dh texted to him too much. I've seen info that indicates continued discussion with a stalker just keeps it going on their side.

 

I would not spend any more time explaining to him. Any kids should be able to get a simple, "This is Mary's dad. She is not allowed to receive texts from boys. Please do not text her further. I will be monitoring her phone."

 

Don't open the door for this kind of chat back from him.

 

I don't care what he texts to her or your dh, I would not text any more to him.

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Thanks for all of the input (and positive feedback on how my daughter handled things!) It's been like five hours since the last text from my husband, and he still hasn't contacted either my husband or daughter again. I hope it stays that way!

 

I just got a text from the girl scouts leader saying "I have left a message for the scout master with that pack but he hasn't returned my call yet. As soon as I hear from him I will update you. If he doesn't return my call by tomorrow I will call him again until I get a response."

 

I thanked her and then offered to email her a transcript of all the text messages so she could see and share exactly what was said. She said that would be great actually, and so I just went through all the texts and typed them up and emailed them to her so she can see them, show them to the scout master, and they can decide what steps they need to take next on their end. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done with it personally unless he starts texting again!

 

I will have to talk further with my daughter about who she should and shouldn't give out contact info to in the future but I think enough has been talked about for today!

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Still no attempted contact. I heard from her leader just a few minutes ago and she told me that she just talked to the boy's father, who was very apologetic. He confirmed to her that the boy does have some issues for which he sees a psychiatrist and he's going to discuss all of this with him.

 

He also said that he had no knowledge of the attempted suicide the boy mentioned and was thankful that I brought it to the attention of the girl scouts leader so that she could bring it to him.

 

They said we should not have any further contact from the boy and that if we do I should let the leader know and she will talk to the dad again.

 

So at this point it seems pretty resolved!

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Still no attempted contact. I heard from her leader just a few minutes ago and she told me that she just talked to the boy's father, who was very apologetic. He confirmed to her that the boy does have some issues for which he sees a psychiatrist and he's going to discuss all of this with him.

 

He also said that he had no knowledge of the attempted suicide the boy mentioned and was thankful that I brought it to the attention of the girl scouts leader so that she could bring it to him.

 

They said we should not have any further contact from the boy and that if we do I should let the leader know and she will talk to the dad again.

 

So at this point it seems pretty resolved!

 

What a nice resolution. It seems like so many times on this board, people post about parents not giving a flip about their kids and what they do. It makes me afraid to ever tell anyone anything about their kids. :001_huh: It's nice to read about a parent having a caring and concerned reaction. I'm glad the dad is getting the boy help.

Edited by Julianna
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It also sounds like the dad needed to know some things, so some good did come out it. Even if she doesn't ever talk to him again she may have had a positive impact, by letting him in a really roundabout way that someone does care about him and his well-being and actions. I hope he is able to take it in that spirit.

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Great resolution, Nance!

 

:iagree:

 

wow, sounds like you handled this really well! And your daughter did too, I'm so glad she came to you. Did your girl scout leader have any thoughts on the advisability of 14 year old boys being at girl scout events, especially those with younger girls? I hope they are re-thinking that policy!

 

She didn't say anything about that! I don't think they usually go to Girl Scouts event but since this one was focusing on skills that Boy Scouts more typically learn, I guess they were there with their scout master getting to help with knot tying, orienteering, and so on. Not sure if this will cause them to rethink that in the future!

 

I'm glad everything was resolved and that the boy hasn't contacted you again.

 

It also seems that it's ultimately a good thing that all of this occurred, because it sounds like the kid's father learned a few new things about his ds, and that he's concerned enough to deal with them.

 

It also sounds like the dad needed to know some things, so some good did come out it. Even if she doesn't ever talk to him again she may have had a positive impact, by letting him in a really roundabout way that someone does care about him and his well-being and actions. I hope he is able to take it in that spirit.

 

Yes, I was thinking the same thing! Of course my own kids are my very first priority and concern, but at the same time, I do feel bad for the kid- at 14, he's still just a kid, too, and I hope he gets the help he needs!

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My heart broke a little reading this thread.

 

Some of you may remember a thread I had in August - http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=418988 . It's kind of the same situation but in reverse IMO. Maybe I'm projecting too much, but it sounds like this boy is a bit emotionally immature and thought he had found a friend. He told her stuff that he was embarrassed about but needed to express, to exorcise it from him.

 

But it all blew up in his face. Now all these strangers know his deepest shame and are talking about him. He lost his friend, his one friend, and now his Dad knows.

 

Yes, he could have been a sexual predator grooming a victim. He could also have been a scared child trying to get help.

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My heart broke a little reading this thread.

 

Some of you may remember a thread I had in August - http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=418988 . It's kind of the same situation but in reverse IMO. Maybe I'm projecting too much, but it sounds like this boy is a bit emotionally immature and thought he had found a friend. He told her stuff that he was embarrassed about but needed to express, to exorcise it from him.

 

But it all blew up in his face. Now all these strangers know his deepest shame and are talking about him. He lost his friend, his one friend, and now his Dad knows.

 

Yes, he could have been a sexual predator grooming a victim. He could also have been a scared child trying to get help.

 

I respectfully disagree with the bolded.

 

But I do agree that it is heartbreaking for a young man to have such emotional issues. Even so, his interaction with someone who was (a) quite a bit younger, and (b) a very new "friend," was quite inappropriate. Neither Nance nor her dd should feel any guilt over how the situation was handled.

 

I am sorry that your child's feelings were hurt in the circumstances your earlier post describes, but it's truly apples and oranges, not comparable.

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My heart broke a little reading this thread.

 

Some of you may remember a thread I had in August - http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=418988 . It's kind of the same situation but in reverse IMO. Maybe I'm projecting too much, but it sounds like this boy is a bit emotionally immature and thought he had found a friend. He told her stuff that he was embarrassed about but needed to express, to exorcise it from him.

 

But it all blew up in his face. Now all these strangers know his deepest shame and are talking about him. He lost his friend, his one friend, and now his Dad knows.

 

Yes, he could have been a sexual predator grooming a victim. He could also have been a scared child trying to get help.

 

He has lost his one friend? No, She was an 11 year old girl he had just met the day before. He was a 14 year old boy who spoke about topics not appropriate for an 11 year old girl OR someone you just met yesterday. And I'm not sure why you're saying "and now his dad knows" as if that's a bad thing, especially followed by "he could have been a scared child trying to get help." I completely agree that he could have been a scared child trying to get help. That's why it's a good thing that the scout leader and his dad now know what's going on. They are the people who can help him. My 11 y/o daughter is NOT the person who can help him, nor should she be. She's not a parent, she's not a therapist, she's not a doctor, she's not an authority figure, she's not even a peer. She's just a kid, too, and a much younger one, and one who barely knows him.

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He has lost his one friend? No, She was an 11 year old girl he had just met the day before. He was a 14 year old boy who spoke about topics not appropriate for an 11 year old girl OR someone you just met yesterday. And I'm not sure why you're saying "and now his dad knows" as if that's a bad thing, especially followed by "he could have been a scared child trying to get help." I completely agree that he could have been a scared child trying to get help. That's why it's a good thing that the scout leader and his dad now know what's going on. They are the people who can help him. My 11 y/o daughter is NOT the person who can help him, nor should she be. She's not a parent, she's not a therapist, she's not a doctor, she's not an authority figure, she's not even a peer. She's just a kid, too, and a much younger one, and one who barely knows him.

 

:iagree: and I don't think the situations are similar beyond them both involving opposite gender kids. :grouphug:

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He has lost his one friend? No, She was an 11 year old girl he had just met the day before. He was a 14 year old boy who spoke about topics not appropriate for an 11 year old girl OR someone you just met yesterday. And I'm not sure why you're saying "and now his dad knows" as if that's a bad thing, especially followed by "he could have been a scared child trying to get help." I completely agree that he could have been a scared child trying to get help. That's why it's a good thing that the scout leader and his dad now know what's going on. They are the people who can help him. My 11 y/o daughter is NOT the person who can help him, nor should she be. She's not a parent, she's not a therapist, she's not a doctor, she's not an authority figure, she's not even a peer. She's just a kid, too, and a much younger one, and one who barely knows him.

 

:iagree:

 

11 year old girls don't make good friends for troubled 14 year old boys. And on the possible other end of the situation manipulative 14 year old boys need to not be anywhere near any 11 year old girls.

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First of all, you are doing something right to have such an open relationship with your dd. Pat yourself on the back!!

 

Second, I would CALL him and tell him he is being innappropriate and that he needs to stop texting, that any other texts will go straight to you and you will call his parents if she receives just one more text.

Edited by momto8blessings
read the replies, see you have worked things out.
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My heart broke a little reading this thread.

 

Some of you may remember a thread I had in August - http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?t=418988 . It's kind of the same situation but in reverse IMO. Maybe I'm projecting too much, but it sounds like this boy is a bit emotionally immature and thought he had found a friend. He told her stuff that he was embarrassed about but needed to express, to exorcise it from him.

 

But it all blew up in his face. Now all these strangers know his deepest shame and are talking about him. He lost his friend, his one friend, and now his Dad knows.

 

Yes, he could have been a sexual predator grooming a victim. He could also have been a scared child trying to get help.

 

How is it the same? And how is it bad that this boy's scout leader and father know he needs help? I don't think anyone accused him of being a sexual predator, just inappropriate sharing via text to a girl three years younger that he just met the day before.

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