Questions for those who DO allow teen datings

[teachermom2834]

I know lots of people here think dating is just for choosing a spouse and there is no point in dating before someone is ready for marriage. That's not really where I'm coming from.

 

I am not a fan of young dating. I see lots of issues and few potential benefits. I would much rather my kids wait until they are out of high school or at least late high school. I am of the position, however, that there is only so much a parent can do to discourage this kind of thing. I've always figured I would allow it little by little once they were high school age with lots of parameters and communication.

 

Well, the time is upon us. My 14.5 yo 9th grade ds has a girl he is interested in. His friends have had girlfriends/ dated for years so it seems normal to him that this could start to move in that direction. I've always told him he had to be mature enough to come talk to me about it and then we'd work out some guidelines that we could all be comfortable with.

 

I don't want to shut down communication by saying "no" to everything or overreacting. I'm also aware of how young he is and I am pretty uncomfortable with it. I am happy he came to me and told me that he likes this girl. (They met through friends at a high school football game and they have texted/facebooked).

 

All of that set up just for perspective on where I am coming from. If you have BTDT from the same perspective I'd love some advice. What guidlines did you set? What did you learn? Did you find a way to give your young teen some freedom and respect their feelings without it getting too much/ too fast?

 

I'd like to hear from anyone who has navigated this (or had trouble with it). Right now I am thinking he could spend time with this girl with our family or go do something with a group of friends we know with us picking up/ dropping off/ knowing all the details of where they will be when. Years ago a mom of many mentioned that her teens could only to teen social stuff on Friday or Saturday and that they had to spend the other night with the family.

 

Thoughts?

[Ottakee]

I think that at this age, doing something in a supervised group or with either your family or hers would be a good step.

[jen3kids]

I went through this exact thing with my then-9th grader last year. He met a girl in school - shared one class with her. He asked if she could come over after school, if he could go to her house, if they could go to xyz with her family, etc.

 

Her mom called me to make sure an adult would be here, she assured me there would always be an adult there if they were at her house. They visited her ailing great grandmother together, went to the local RV show with her family, stuff like that. We had many respect and boundaries conversation with him before she came over, and a few during the relationship, just to make sure..

 

House guidelines - she doesn't go upstairs - no exceptions. They are allowed to watch tv/movies in the basement or the family room but no horizontal cuddling, which was tough because ds always watches tv lying down. They went for walks around the neighbourhood. No one:one dates.

 

They dated for 5-6 months and then she broke up with him right after her sweet 16 birthday party - ds never told me why.

 

It was weird for a while, but has worked out ok. I'm not one to make small talk easily, but I managed.

[Laura Corin]

At that age we allow going out together alone or staying in together with doors open.

 

Laura

[AngieW in Texas]

My 14yo dd has been very good friends with a 15yo boy in our hs group for just over one year now. Neither family allows real dating before 16yo. They get to see each other at parkday during the schoolyear. They have gone to three teen dances at his church. They've also gone to two homeschool dances. Aside from that, they have gotten to see each other every week or two at either our house or his during the summer (our group doesn't have parkdays in the summer). They did a lot of 2-player Wii games over the summer because it was so hot that going outside wasn't very feasible unless you were in the water.

 

It was never an issue with my older two girls. My oldest wasn't interested in anybody until she was 17yo. My middle dd hasn't met anybody she's been interested in either and she will be 17yo later this week.

Edited September 23, 2012 by AngieW in Texas

[Wheres Toto]

With my oldest, we allowed her to go out to the movies with a group (and at least one parent present) at 13 or 14. She could also go to chaperoned dances at the school or a local church. If there was a boy she liked, she could call him her "boyfriend" because it just meant they had lunch together and would hang out at these dances together.

 

She wasn't allowed to date one-on-one until she was 16 and the boy had to be within one year of her age. Since they would not be able to drive themselves at that point, they would hang out at houses (doors open) or have to get dropped off at a movie.

 

Now, she is away at college and I think this worked well. She never felt the strong longing for a "boyfriend" because she was able to play around with the idea in a safe way and she always had a group of mixed boys and girls that were all friends. By the time she was able to date she had an idea of what she liked, what she wasn't willing to put up with, and she was comfortable enough around boys to tell them.

 

I wasn't allowed to do anything, not even hang-out in a group, until I was 16. At that point it was such a big deal that I was way to susceptible to guys pushing for what they wanted, and way too hung up on the idea of having a boyfriend.

[Mrs Mungo]

We allow kids to do things in groups or with families at that age. However, my kids are homeschooled. If a kid is going away to school all day, then a parent would not really be able to keep a close eye on the situation. So, even though we allow it in a limited fashion, I am still coming from a different place.

[Night Elf]

My oldest had a boyfriend at 14. They saw each other at school and on weekends. They always went out with a group. She didn't have a non-group date until she was probably 16. We had curfews but other than that, no specific rules. I mean, of course I talked to her about all the stuff I was supposed to, but I was dating at that same age so it just wasn't a new concept for me.

 

Dd14 is at school this year. I fully expect she'll have a boyfriend at some point this year. She'll do all the same stuff her sister did, I'm sure: lots of texting, some skyping, and group dates at the nearest mall where lots and lots of teens hang out.

[mooooom]

My dd started seeing a boy when she was that age. It was another homeschooler that we had known for ages. They had a group of friends in common and often did things together with them (some of them were old enough to drive, so they would do things like hiking trips, amusement park trips, go to the movies, etc. When he got his license he would drive here, have dinner with us and they would watch a movie together, or play board games. At that point they did start going out to dinner or the movies together. Sometimes we would meet his parents for dinner about halfway (we live an hour apart) and they would take off and go out to dinner separately. I think it was a really good experience for both of them. We all tried to be very low key about it and just trusted them.

[Lolly]

You should also address cell phone usage. I'd make sure he knew that family time does not include texting to the girlfriend!:D

[tex-mex]

We did chaperoned activities -- arcade & pizza, bowling, library, or going out to eat. Many times both parents were in attendance. It was fun to have the kids get to know each other in that supervised atmosphere. I would caution the parents from being BFFs in case the kiddos break up down the road... awkward. ;)

[Joanne]

My sons both had "girlfriend" experience at those ages. There were never any alone, traditional dating, events. There were things like hanging together at youthgroup, coop classes, going to the mall when an adult waited (in the lame foodcourt :glare:) or sitting nearby but not with them in the movies.

 

Both early "relationships" had too much drama. While I didn't intend to invite this, I have found it useful. My boys now recognize and avoid drama as a result.

 

My dd, nearly 16, has not shown interest.

 

I personally believe it to be counter productive to discourage teen interest, and instead find it more helpful to be *with* them as parent and coach as they navigate the sometimes intense feelings and events.

[teachermom2834]

Thanks everyone.

 

I really am hoping to work through this with him and learn from it, etc. I'd rather he wait but I'm not comfortable just telling him "absolutely not" to everything and attempting to shut it down.

 

He came to me and told me that he likes her and it might be moving in that direction. I'm really happy he told me so I want to keep those lines open.

 

He is homeschooled but she goes to high school. I think that will cut down on the intensity of it as they will not be able to see each other very often and she might get bored not having her boyfriend around all the time. That would be okay by me. He's busy after school hours and weekends so it will probably be hard to actually make time to see the girl. That should help.

 

He's a social, confident kid. If it isn't this girl it will be another sooner rather than later I am sure.

[TranquilMind]

I know lots of people here think dating is just for choosing a spouse and there is no point in dating before someone is ready for marriage. That's not really where I'm coming from.

 

I am not a fan of young dating. I see lots of issues and few potential benefits. I would much rather my kids wait until they are out of high school or at least late high school. I am of the position, however, that there is only so much a parent can do to discourage this kind of thing. I've always figured I would allow it little by little once they were high school age with lots of parameters and communication.

 

Well, the time is upon us. My 14.5 yo 9th grade ds has a girl he is interested in. His friends have had girlfriends/ dated for years so it seems normal to him that this could start to move in that direction. I've always told him he had to be mature enough to come talk to me about it and then we'd work out some guidelines that we could all be comfortable with.

 

I don't want to shut down communication by saying "no" to everything or overreacting. I'm also aware of how young he is and I am pretty uncomfortable with it. I am happy he came to me and told me that he likes this girl. (They met through friends at a high school football game and they have texted/facebooked).

 

All of that set up just for perspective on where I am coming from. If you have BTDT from the same perspective I'd love some advice. What guidlines did you set? What did you learn? Did you find a way to give your young teen some freedom and respect their feelings without it getting too much/ too fast?

 

I'd like to hear from anyone who has navigated this (or had trouble with it). Right now I am thinking he could spend time with this girl with our family or go do something with a group of friends we know with us picking up/ dropping off/ knowing all the details of where they will be when. Years ago a mom of many mentioned that her teens could only to teen social stuff on Friday or Saturday and that they had to spend the other night with the family.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm there right now. My son likes a girl, and since they don't go to the same school, it has been basically texting, facebooking, and seeing each other at public places on the weekend, if they can get it worked out.

 

All appropriate conversation so far and within appropriate hours I have set. I check.

 

I'm not a fan of young dating either, but there is only so much you can do, without getting overly restrictive, and as long as he is above-board and honest about everything, we will just take it a step at a time. Overly restrictive leads to deceit, I think.

 

I imagine she will move on to a boy she can actually regularly see at her school, in time. I've warned him how that will feel.

 

I've also learned that all this "dating" they say they are doing really means talking, texting and facebooking, with an occasional actual IRL appearance. Sure is different than my dating days.

[TranquilMind]

teachermom2834: I really am hoping to work through this with him and learn from it, etc. I'd rather he wait but I'm not comfortable just telling him "absolutely not" to everything and attempting to shut it down.

 

Yeah. I learned the hard way, by coming down on my daughter like that. She was a year younger than the others in her grade and I shut her down. She went around me. I'm not making that mistake again.

 

He came to me and told me that he likes her and it might be moving in that direction. I'm really happy he told me so I want to keep those lines open.

 

Me too.

 

He is homeschooled but she goes to high school. I think that will cut down on the intensity of it as they will not be able to see each other very often and she might get bored not having her boyfriend around all the time. That would be okay by me. He's busy after school hours and weekends so it will probably be hard to actually make time to see the girl. That should help.

 

Exactly our situation with our son!

 

He's a social, confident kid. If it isn't this girl it will be another sooner rather than later I am sure.

 

Yeah.

[TranquilMind]

I personally believe it to be counter productive to discourage teen interest, and instead find it more helpful to be *with* them as parent and coach as they navigate the sometimes intense feelings and events.

 

Well, it's happened again, Joanne.

 

We have agreed on something. Twice this year, I think!;)

[Joanne]

Well, it's happened again, Joanne.

 

We have agreed on something. Twice this year, I think!;)

 

Dang. Is it cold "down south"?;)

[ondreeuh]

My dd is 16 and is just starting to consider being interested in dating. I never forbid it, but talked to her MANY times about the perils of dating, and the awkwardness of breaking up. During her freshman year, two of her friends dated quite a bit and were always full of drama about it. That definitely opened her eyes to how complicated dating can make life. Then her sophomore year we moved to a village with only three teenage boys - none of them good options. We just moved to a new town and the girl she's closest to has a boyfriend, so maybe that's part of why she's starting to take an interest.

 

Honestly, I am not really worried. She is such a cautious kid and very grounded. I can't see her being stupid over a boy. I keep coaching her to just be friendly and BE HERSELF, and it will be obvious if she and a guy seem to click. No need to really look for a guy.

 

I haven't really thought about rules/guidelines. I'm more concerned with making sure she has healthy self-esteem and understands the risks of a relationship. If she meets a guy who is great boyFRIEND material, then I don't have a problem with them going out wherever - dinner, movie, hiking, etc. I also wouldn't have a problem with them watching a movie in the basement. If she has the maturity and the tools to navigate a relationship, then I trust her to use them wisely.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Our 16 year old had no interest in dating. Then a wonderful young man who had been her biology lab partner and who was in her Shakespeare class told her he liked her. She told him she didn't know that she liked anyone that way but that she would be willing to get to know him better. (I was really proud of her for her honestly with him)

They go to youth group together and to Magic games once a week, every Sunday he comes here after church and then we go as a family to his house for dinner and a movie. They also have a weekly class together as well as Chem lab. ( I have known and liked his parents for a long time but we never hung out before now)

With siblings around at both houses they are never alone and upstairs is off limits. When she is away at her internship once a month they Skype and they speak nightly on the phone.

It is beautiful to see their relationship growing without drama or pressure.

This started in May and last month he asked formal permission to "date" her by which he meant, he would now like to be able to say that she was his girlfriend. They hold hands now.

I don't know where it will lead, if anywhere, they are young but I am impressed with both of them, their maturity and the way they have handled everything so far.

[Laurie4b]

Right now I am thinking he could spend time with this girl with our family or go do something with a group of friends we know with us picking up/ dropping off/ knowing all the details of where they will be when.

Thoughts?

 

When our ds wanted to date at age 16, we met with the girls' parents so that we were all on the same page. They had more rules than we would have, but ds followed their rules (which we encouraged him to do) even if he didn't agree with them.

 

I prefer that they are with a family or in public. If they spend a lot of time in private, it's natural for a sexual relationship to develop. If you don't want to allow that, then I'd make sure they are either with you in your home, with the other family (if they have similar expectations), or in groups in public. (Not that they can't get around that if they wanted to, but it helps.) If they are in your home, do go in and out of the area occasionally. As a teen, I grew up in an area where everyone had a finished basement where the kids hung out. There was no natural reason for the parents to go in and out occasionally. Bad idea. Much better to have them in the family room upstairs. ;)

[LisaKinVA]

My now 13yo son has had romantic feelings for a girl for well over a year. We found out that he had an e-mail account and a "girlfriend" in the same night (I was much more upset about the private e-mail account...) :svengo:

 

Obviously, ds was very willing to sneak around if he needed to (now, this young lady lives quite a ways away, so there was no contact other than e-mail...most of the e-mails were talking about LEGO, so they were pretty innocent, nothing he wouldn't have talked to anyone about). I did not want to foster THAT. We have taken the talk about it road, set boundaries, explain why we needed those boundaries, and what is appropriate and not appropriate at his age, and why.

 

These two can go months without talking...so it's far from serious. BUT, DS#1 is a serious boy, and has talked with me about things like, "wouldn't it be cool if girl and I went to the same college and got married?" (this was after a conversation regarding how they are young and are just starting to learn who they are and how they fit in the world...and that while some people meet their one, true love as children and wind up marrying them, they are more the exception than the rule...).

 

So, we really work at fostering communication between DS and us. Not shutting him down or invalidating his feelings, looking for ways to help him develop a friendship with the young girl.

 

Their family came to our children's Christmas play, and we all went apple picking together, too. We are planning a family dinner for all of us, trying to keep the relationship low-key, but not "banning" it, either. I feel the more we help DS #1 navigate relationships, and feel comfortable TALKING with US about relationships, the better this will be for everyone. The fact that both kids are homeschooled is a self-limiting factor regarding how much time they can have together...the fact that we're about 45 minutes (driving) from each other is another.

 

I have to say, having listened to my son's phone conversations with the young lady, suave and charming are not things I have to worry about with DS#1 :lol:, so maybe it's a good thing he has this opportunity to learn how to develop a friendship, and talk to a girl, and learn how to navigate these waters while he's young (their conversations still revolve around LEGO, Wii, and school...none of the "I miss you," "when can I see you?" type stuff, thankfully).

[Ellie]

A 14½yo is too young to "date." At that age, all activities should be group activities, preferably family-related ones.

 

I'm not opposed to dating per se; I'm opposed to giving our children opportunties at too young an age to behave inappropriately, which they probably will, because, you know, they're just children. It is our job as their parents to help protect them from themselves, to give them time to mature.