An article I think we should all read

[dangermom]

The New Yorker has an article about how child molesters get away with it. Jerry Sandusky is the main focus but there's a lot about how pedophiles generally operate. It seems to be to be an excellent piece.

 

When I was in high school, I knew a popular and charming man who was known for his concern for troubled kids. He was a lawyer in the DA's office and often hosted troubled teen boys in his own home (despite having two young teen daughters!). He also coached Little League. He was exactly this kind of predator, and was caught around the time I graduated from high school. I don't think anyone had a clue.

[I.Dup.]

subbing to read later.

[Catherine]

Excellent. I like Malcolm Gladwell's writing anyway, but here I like the way he lays out so clearly the exact methods (vetting, pushing the potential victim further and further, stopping with apologies when caught or rejected. And it's true-grooming is not punishable, or even, really clearly distinguishable from normal behavior, taken as a single event.

[Catherine]

Excellent. I like Malcolm Gladwell's writing anyway, but here I like the way he lays out so clearly the exact methods: vetting, pushing the potential victim further and further, stopping with apologies when caught or rejected. And it's true-grooming is not punishable, or even, really clearly distinguishable from normal behavior, taken as a single event.

[Catwoman]

That was an excellent article. Thanks for posting the link.

[PrincessMommy]

It's pretty terrifying actually.

 

Thanks for sharing. As hard as it was to read, it is an important message

[lea1]

That is an excellent article; definitely worth reading. Thanks for linking it and making us aware.

[Zebra]

This is a really important article. Never trust someone who is overly friendly with your kids like this, it should send up red flags with every parent. There should be some sort of boundaries, always.

[Chelli]

posting to find this later.

[Spy Car]

The Sandusky case—like all cases of child molestiation—is horrifying. And no doubt pedophiles use the sort of "grooming" techniques described in the article. But sports coaches and others (who are perfectly innocent) also need to at times "touch" children if they are going to help kids learn to play properly. I coached a kids basketball team last season. I sometimes "touched" boys when showing them how to guard or how to shoot, etc.

 

While we need to be vigalent about child-molestation I think we lose something as a society if we become so suspicious of every adult-child interaction that we become paranoid about normal and innocent activities.

 

Bill

[justamouse]

Wow, that was a powerful article. Gladwell is an amazing writer.

[Audrey]

The Sandusky case—like all cases of child molestiation—is horrifying. And no doubt pedophiles use the sort of "grooming" techniques described in the article. But sports coaches and others (who are perfectly innocent) also need to at times "touch" children if they are going to help kids learn to play properly. I coached a kids basketball team last season. I sometimes "touched" boys when showing them how to guard or how to shoot, etc.

 

While we need to be vigalent about child-molestation I think we lose something as a society if we become so suspicious of every adult-child interaction that we become paranoid about normal and innocent activities.

 

Bill

 

 

I agree, Bill. What is also sad is that men are hyper-scrutinized, and quite often deemed suspect with no evidence or provocation. Yes, there are very bad men out there, but there are also sincere, normal men out there who have a lot to offer the children in their communities.

[Zebra]

There is a huge difference between a coach who touches a child appropriately, and one who is overly touchy, overly involved, and weird. The point is, if you didn't "know" this person, if you just saw the way some of these people acted around other children, you would know something was weird, something was off. But because people like Sandusky either look for neglected kids, or work VERY hard to get you to like them FIRST and then let down your guard around them, parents are turning a blind eye to red flags.

 

When you go to buy a car and the car dealer is overly nice to you immediately know why. You put up your defenses and you don't trust the guy. And it needs to be the same way with your children. It's not that the coach can't pat your kid on the shoulder and say, "good job kid!" or take your kid out for ice cream. It's that if they want to hang around your kid a bit too much, or are really overly touchy feely, you need to really keep your eyes open. One red flag, one funny thing, DEFINITELY seriously examine the situation. You don't have to point fingers or flip out, but there is nothing wrong with saying, "Gee, maybe I should really look into this situation more closely...."

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

Great article! I like the book "Protecting the Gift" that deals with red flags and trusting your instincts.

[Murphy101]

I agree, Bill. What is also sad is that men are hyper-scrutinized, and quite often deemed suspect with no evidence or provocation. Yes, there are very bad men out there, but there are also sincere, normal men out there who have a lot to offer the children in their communities.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I absolutely HATE how men are automaticly deemed suspect. It's horrible.

[mommy5]

I'm subbing ... need to read this.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is such crazy stuff.

We all lose this way.

Kids that need attention and, yes, even affection, lose, because good people become self-conscious about the possibility of suspicion and fail to volunteer. Kids that trust adults get horribly exploited by monsters. I don't know what the solution is. I'm not prepared to say that no adult should ever hug any child. I'm not prepared to say that every adult who volunteers with children has bad intentions or inclinations. Yet we do need to be very vigilant. I think that the main key is only to let kids be with adults who welcome their parents at all times.

Edited September 23, 2012 by Carol in Cal.

[Abeilles]

Frightening but also vital information to protect our treasures.

[Rivka]

I read that article a few days ago and yes, it's fantastic. I value how much it breaks down the stereotypes of what a pedophile is like - that almost by definition, they're not cartoonishly evil bad guys who leap out on children unawares. They are extremely, extremely good at getting people to like them and trust them. If they weren't, they'd already be in jail.

 

I do keep coming back to this: I think friendships between kids and unrelated adults can be powerful and valuable. I had wonderful relationships with a number of adults, growing up, that really helped me develop as a person. My life would have been poorer without them. I want there to be a way for that to happen for my kids, without putting them in danger.

[dangermom]

 

I do keep coming back to this: I think friendships between kids and unrelated adults can be powerful and valuable. I had wonderful relationships with a number of adults, growing up, that really helped me develop as a person. My life would have been poorer without them. I want there to be a way for that to happen for my kids, without putting them in danger.

 

I absolutely agree. But I think that one way that can be more possible is for us to get more educated about what grooming really looks like, rather than depending on the stereotypes. When we have good knowledge, we don't have to be afraid of every adult male. When we know that charm is a skill, not a positive character trait, we can try to look beyond it.

[redsquirrel]

The Sandusky case—like all cases of child molestiation—is horrifying. And no doubt pedophiles use the sort of "grooming" techniques described in the article. But sports coaches and others (who are perfectly innocent) also need to at times "touch" children if they are going to help kids learn to play properly. I coached a kids basketball team last season. I sometimes "touched" boys when showing them how to guard or how to shoot, etc.

 

While we need to be vigalent about child-molestation I think we lose something as a society if we become so suspicious of every adult-child interaction that we become paranoid about normal and innocent activities.

 

Bill

 

Yeah, child predators make life difficult for all of us in many ways.

 

I worked with victims of child sexual abuse for 10 years. The New Yorker article is excellent. It does an excellent job explaining what I had to tell crying parents for years, predators are very good at what they do. If they weren't then we would never allow them around us. If it were easy to determine who is and is not a predator then we could all sleep easier.

 

And yes, people touch each other in the normal course of all kinds of things. But, there is a big difference between helping a child hold a bat and or get into proper diving position, and sliding a hand up a leg and under shorts. And if a child, or adult, say that any touch feels uncomfortable then that should be taken seriously. They should be able to tell the person touching them to please stop and that should be respected.

 

What is worrisome are the ways predators test kids, touch them in more and more intimate ways looking to see if they are going to get away with it. The problem there, isn't overprotective parents, but the predators hiding their true nature behind innocent activities. They have made it difficult for everyone. We are all stuck looking for patterns, for irregularities, trying to listen to our instincts and yet trying to remain sensible.

[Catherine]

I agree. I also think it's important to point out that not all pedophilia is directed toward boys. I'm not sure how much is directed toward girls, but it unquestionably exists and parents of daughters cannot let down their guard, unfortunately.

[redsquirrel]

I agree. I also think it's important to point out that not all pedophilia is directed toward boys. I'm not sure how much is directed toward girls, but it unquestionably exists and parents of daughters cannot let down their guard, unfortunately.

 

Most statistics say that girls are molested at a higher rate than boys, so no it is not all directed at boys. The typical figure quoted is one in four girls and one in six boys are subjected to unwanted sexual touching by an adult before the age of 18. But, I have always assumed the numbers are equal, just that boys are even more reticent to disclose than girls.

[Spy Car]

 

And yes, people touch each other in the normal course of all kinds of things. But, there is a big difference between helping a child hold a bat and or get into proper diving position, and sliding a hand up a leg and under shorts. And if a child, or adult, say that any touch feels uncomfortable then that should be taken seriously. They should be able to tell the person touching them to please stop and that should be respected.

 

Obviously. The problem is many of the perfectly innocent interactions that takes place between adults and children are indistinguishable from what is being called here "grooming" behavior. I get that we need to make sure children don't get molested. That is for sure. But if paranoia runs rampant, and every adult who volunteers to work with kids becomes "suspect" then what sane person will put themselves in that position? And if responsible and caring adults stop volunteering in their communities then children will suffer. And especially those that need positive interaction with adults the most.

 

I think that while we need to be alert to the dangers that we should not fall into a "witch-hunt" mentality.

 

Bill

Edited September 23, 2012 by Spy Car

[JennyD]

This is a great article. Thanks so much for the link.

[redsquirrel]

Obviously. The problem is many of the perfectly innocent interactions that takes place between adults and children is indistinguishable from what is being called here "grooming" behavior. I get that we need to make sure children don't get molested. That is for sure. But if paranoia runs rampant, and every adult who volunteers to work with kids becomes "suspect" then what sane person will put themselves in that position? And if responsible and caring adults stop volunteering in their communities then child will suffer. And especially those that need positive interaction with adults the most.

 

I think that while we need to be alert to the dangers that we should not fall into a "witch-hunt" mentality.

 

Bill

 

Yep, you are right about that.

[JessReplanted]

Thanks for sharing this.

[momma2three]

I agree. I also think it's important to point out that not all pedophilia is directed toward boys. I'm not sure how much is directed toward girls, but it unquestionably exists and parents of daughters cannot let down their guard, unfortunately.

 

And it should also be mentioned that it's not just men who behave inappropriately towards children. It gets reported a lot less, but women molesters are actually more likely to fly under the radar. And when they are caught, I think they are treated very differently... many people seem to view that teacher who had a child with a young teen (I think the boy was 12 or 13?) several years back as a joke, whereas I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't have been horrified if had been a male teacher and a 12 year old girl.

[celticmom]

I think parental involvement and supervision of activities is key. I do not make a habit of dropping off dd for activities and disappearing. The sport she is involved in now actually requires that parents remain within sight and sound range. I think that protects both the children and the adult volunteers.

[TranquilMind]

It's pretty terrifying actually.

 

Thanks for sharing. As hard as it was to read, it is an important message

 

Yes, it was really scary. I'm going to read a paragraph to my kid tomorrow. That part about how vigilant parents were to be avoided really caught my attention.

 

What my kids call "overprotective", I call vigilant.

[TranquilMind]

Spy Car: Obviously. The problem is many of the perfectly innocent interactions that takes place between adults and children are indistinguishable from what is being called here "grooming" behavior.

 

That's true. That is why I think parents, especially Moms, have highly sensitive gut reactions to things and need to follow that gut reaction, as did that one mom in the story, who told Sandusky to stay away from her kid without any more evidence than what she was picking up from her kid.

 

 

I get that we need to make sure children don't get molested. That is for sure. But if paranoia runs rampant, and every adult who volunteers to work with kids becomes "suspect" then what sane person will put themselves in that position? And if responsible and caring adults stop volunteering in their communities then children will suffer. And especially those that need positive interaction with adults the most.

 

I think that while we need to be alert to the dangers that we should not fall into a "witch-hunt" mentality.

 

I agree. The innocent parents will be completely fine with safeguards in place and parental oversight. It's the ones who suggest or create time alone that you need to watch closely.

[goldberry]

I struggled with this issue when my DD was born and I started thinking about it. It seems obvious that the reality of the world requires us to be wary, and that will ultimately sometimes have a negative effect on those who really do just want to love, help, and support the children in their community.

 

The sad fact is that as a parent I have to make the choice to protect my child, even if that means I might be faced with an occasion of doubting someone who doesn't deserve my doubt. I feel bad about that, but that choice is better than the other option of not doubting someone who then harms my child.

 

I thank heaven that I'm not a single mom with a son, because that would be SO HARD. Wanting positive male role models in my son's life, then trying to balance that with protecting him. Ugh.

[Murphy101]

And it should also be mentioned that it's not just men who behave inappropriately towards children. It gets reported a lot less, but women molesters are actually more likely to fly under the radar. And when they are caught, I think they are treated very differently... many people seem to view that teacher who had a child with a young teen (I think the boy was 12 or 13?) several years back as a joke, whereas I don't think there's anyone who wouldn't have been horrified if had been a male teacher and a 12 year old girl.

 

Very true.

 

I think parental involvement and supervision of activities is key. I do not make a habit of dropping off dd for activities and disappearing. The sport she is involved in now actually requires that parents remain within sight and sound range. I think that protects both the children and the adult volunteers.

 

Well obviously not taking my sight off my kids ends the issue. That's a bit ridiculous to reasonably expect.

 

And did you miss the section about Cook? For crying out loud, he made an effort to become good personal friends with the parents for years. It's not that the parents of Eric were dropping off with someone they didnt know very very well, kr thought they did. That sicko was a a long time friend of the family!

 

Really the ONLY thing I got from the article was this:

 

Listen to your gut and listen to your kids gut and to hell with anyone that says you are being ridiculously paranoid and unreasonable for it.

[Candid]

Really the ONLY thing I got from the article was this:

 

Listen to your gut and listen to your kids gut and to hell with anyone that says you are being ridiculously paranoid and unreasonable for it.

 

There's an excellent book called Protecting the Gift that gives you more tips on how to raise children who are less likely to be caught by a child abuser.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348400880&sr=8-1&keywords=protecting+the+gift

[JenC3]

Let's not forget this isn't just about teachers and coaches, it's about people you KNOW: uncles, neighbors, friends, cousins, etc. If anyone wants to spend too much time with your kid, watch out. I love kids and all, but mine are enough.

Edited September 23, 2012 by JenC3

[ReneTL]

The Sandusky case—like all cases of child molestiation—is horrifying. And no doubt pedophiles use the sort of "grooming" techniques described in the article. But sports coaches and others (who are perfectly innocent) also need to at times "touch" children if they are going to help kids learn to play properly. I coached a kids basketball team last season. I sometimes "touched" boys when showing them how to guard or how to shoot, etc.

 

While we need to be vigalent about child-molestation I think we lose something as a society if we become so suspicious of every adult-child interaction that we become paranoid about normal and innocent activities.

 

Bill

 

I agree, but the difference between normal and risky behavior is who is there with you. My daughters dance and the instructors are always touching their butt, stomach, back, etc. in class, in front of everyone with windows into the studio. The red flag would come up if the instructor wanted my daughter(s) to stay after for extra private lessons because "they are so talented". I think as long as the activity has plenty of folks present, there is no need for hysteria.

[Murphy101]

There's an excellent book called Protecting the Gift that gives you more tips on how to raise children who are less likely to be caught by a child abuser.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348400880&sr=8-1&keywords=protecting+the+gift

 

 

Yes. I have owned that book for over 8 years I think. It is very good.

 

But even in that book, seriously people, there is a line between protecting and just shutting off half of society - men.

 

The attitude that men are always suspect is fear based, not rational. We need, desperately, men of character, knights in dented to all heck armor, who do more than earn paychecks. Who change diapers, give hugs, who aren't scared to step up and do everything a loving man should do. And we can't have those men in our society if from the very start they are treated with suspicion for being that way. We can't say in one breath that our children need fathers and male role models and in the very next say it's creepy when a man sits down to play chess at the library with a kid, changes a diaper in the nursery, or volunteers to teach Sunday school. It's discrimination and frankly, I hope a man sues the pants off someone for it before long because it is getting ridiculous.

[Murphy101]

I agree, but the difference between normal and risky behavior is who is there with you. My daughters dance and the instructors are always touching their butt, stomach, back, etc. in class, in front of everyone with windows into the studio. The red flag would come up if the instructor wanted my daughter(s) to stay after for extra private lessons because "they are so talented". I think as long as the activity has plenty of folks present, there is no need for hysteria.

 

 

See I don't really agree with that either. You know what I hear all the time about having 10 kids? "OMG, how do you give them each individual attention?!"

 

But here we say kids that might benefit for one on one time are in a dangerous situation. Sigh. Sure vet the situation and if you feel iffy or that it's not necessary, then don't do it. But I wouldn't assume out of hand that a group setting means they are safer. Sometimes it's really easy to hide inappropriate behavior in a crowd. I remember a lot of inappropriate behavior on the school bus for example. Look at Sandusky, much of his inappropriate behavior/grooming was done in plain view of everyone and openly known.

[NittanyJen]

This was an excellent article, and I agree that common sense has to rule the day. What constitutes common sense will vary from parent to parent, but Bill's point is well-taken.

 

Ni have a few good male friends who happen to be gymnastics coaches, because they were gymnasts themselves, they are positive individuals, they are knowlegable about kinesiology and pediatric sports, and they excel at motivating kids, it churns my stomach when I hear snide remarks from others (generally people who have never even met them, but just hear me praise something one of them has accomplished) along the lines of, "Oh come on, do you think there could really be any HEALTHY reason a grown man would hang out with all those little girls?"

 

Ummmm, they're not 'hanging out' and knocking back beers; they're coaching mixed groups of boys and girls, with parents present. Why should boys (or girls) have to learn exclusively from women??? Or maybe only from other kids?

[Farrar]

I read that article a few days ago and yes, it's fantastic. I value how much it breaks down the stereotypes of what a pedophile is like - that almost by definition, they're not cartoonishly evil bad guys who leap out on children unawares. They are extremely, extremely good at getting people to like them and trust them. If they weren't, they'd already be in jail.

 

I do keep coming back to this: I think friendships between kids and unrelated adults can be powerful and valuable. I had wonderful relationships with a number of adults, growing up, that really helped me develop as a person. My life would have been poorer without them. I want there to be a way for that to happen for my kids, without putting them in danger.

 

Well said.

 

What struck me in the article was not all the things he did to "groom" - which were mostly hard to distinguish from positive involvement - but the way in which parents and authorities refused to take allegations seriously over and over. What I took from it was that we don't necessarily have to be hyper-vigilant about interactions between adults and kids (though common sense boundaries should always be in place) but that we should take allegations seriously when they actually arise.

[Murphy101]

Well said.

 

What struck me in the article was not all the things he did to "groom" - which were mostly hard to distinguish from positive involvement - but the way in which parents and authorities refused to take allegations seriously over and over. What I took from it was that we don't necessarily have to be hyper-vigilant about interactions between adults and kids (though common sense boundaries should always be in place) but that we should take allegations seriously when they actually arise.

 

:001_huh: Did we read the same article?

 

The man was REPEATEDLY investigated by multiple psychologist, the police, and more. People did take it serious. The problem was they didn't have anything specific that they could say beyond a doubt, "OMG! He was fondling that boys penis!" or whatever. Sadly, we simply can't put people in prison for making a kid feel "icky" or "uncomfortable" or "weird" or even for hugging too close or the many other things he did that were red flags to many people, not just parents.

[cin]

I struggled with this issue when my DD was born and I started thinking about it. It seems obvious that the reality of the world requires us to be wary, and that will ultimately sometimes have a negative effect on those who really do just want to love, help, and support the children in their community.

 

 

After reading this, I"m starting to become suspicious of our piano teacher. A wonderful lady who loves my girls. We scheduled our lessons this year so we could go out to lunch, once a month, before lessons. She is going with us to see 3 musical/operas this year (school field trips). But now, all of a sudden, I'm feeling suspicious. She has never done anything to make me suspicious, except love my girls. The only red flag is reading this article. The door to the piano studio is full glass. I can see every single thing. But now, I am suspicious just because she likes my girls. So Sad.

[Impish]

Yes. I have owned that book for over 8 years I think. It is very good.

 

But even in that book, seriously people, there is a line between protecting and just shutting off half of society - men.

 

The attitude that men are always suspect is fear based, not rational. We need, desperately, men of character, knights in dented to all heck armor, who do more than earn paychecks. Who change diapers, give hugs, who aren't scared to step up and do everything a loving man should do. And we can't have those men in our society if from the very start they are treated with suspicion for being that way. We can't say in one breath that our children need fathers and male role models and in the very next say it's creepy when a man sits down to play chess at the library with a kid, changes a diaper in the nursery, or volunteers to teach Sunday school. It's discrimination and frankly, I hope a man sues the pants off someone for it before long because it is getting ridiculous.

:iagree:I know Wolf has had situations where he was at the park w/our kids, and Moms in the area hustled theirs to the other side of the park, seemingly b/c he happened to have a p*nis.

 

But, at the same time, we're very cautious about adults around our kids. Male or female. Wolf's uncle molested his dds, and other cousins, so we're probably more hyper alert than we need to be, knowing how easily a child can be preyed upon.

 

It's a tricky balance. I hate it. I hate and resent having to talk about 'bad touching' to kids. I hate having to talk about 'bad' secrets. I feel like I'm stripping my kids of some of their innocence, having to explain to them that there are bad ppl out there that could hurt them.

 

But, if I didn't...I couldn't live w/the consequences of that.

[Farrar]

:001_huh: Did we read the same article?

 

The man was REPEATEDLY investigated by multiple psychologist, the police, and more. People did take it serious. The problem was they didn't have anything specific that they could say beyond a doubt, "OMG! He was fondling that boys penis!" or whatever. Sadly, we simply can't put people in prison for making a kid feel "icky" or "uncomfortable" or "weird" or even for hugging too close or the many other things he did that were red flags to many people, not just parents.

 

But that's what I mean - they kept backing off, worrying about his reputation, letting his personality excuse things, not pushing it farther. And there were many opportunities to investigate more where people pulled back and didn't. Yes, he was good at hiding things, but that was because people let his charm and personality pull the wool over their eyes instead of looking deeper or facing difficult liabilities. No, you can't put someone in prison without more evidence, but instead of looking for more evidence, establishing boundaries when there were questions, connecting different allegations, they refused to do so. I don't think they took the allegations seriously enough. That's the whole reason that people were fired and may go to prison in this case.

[Zebra]

But that's what I mean - they kept backing off, worrying about his reputation, letting his personality excuse things, not pushing it farther. And there were many opportunities to investigate more where people pulled back and didn't. Yes, he was good at hiding things, but that was because people let his charm and personality pull the wool over their eyes instead of looking deeper or facing difficult liabilities. No, you can't put someone in prison without more evidence, but instead of looking for more evidence, establishing boundaries when there were questions, connecting different allegations, they refused to do so. I don't think they took the allegations seriously enough. That's the whole reason that people were fired and may go to prison in this case.

 

 

Exactly. Don't excuse people just because you like them. Not every single behavior is going to raise a red flag. Some times people innocently make mistakes, so realize that, but when the "innocent mistakes" start adding up you need to face facts. Something is off. And kids sometimes know more than they are given credit for but can't always express it.

[Murphy101]

Deleted

Edited September 23, 2012 by Martha

[QuirkyKapers]

Thanks for linking this article. Yes, I think you don't want to view everyone as a suspect. However, I don't think you want to just blindly trust either. It isn't the touching to teach techniques in a group, sports setting that would bother me. (Unless I saw one child being singled out over and over again over a period of time and their skills didn't seem to warrant the attention. Even than, I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that the person is a predator) The singling out and giving more attention to a child apart from the group would worry me more.

[NittanyJen]

After reading this, I"m starting to become suspicious of our piano teacher. A wonderful lady who loves my girls. We scheduled our lessons this year so we could go out to lunch, once a month, before lessons. She is going with us to see 3 musical/operas this year (school field trips). But now, all of a sudden, I'm feeling suspicious. She has never done anything to make me suspicious, except love my girls. The only red flag is reading this article. The door to the piano studio is full glass. I can see every single thing. But now, I am suspicious just because she likes my girls. So Sad.

 

I think that would be a shame. Unless your gut feelings have been sending you messages, or your kids have been acting "off" after interacting with her, there is no need to be suspicious of every individual who is good at working with kids and works to get them excited about things they are good at.

 

Our instrumental director took us to see Maynard Ferguson and to other places, so we could see the music theory he was teaching us put into action by one of his idols. He gave private lessons at school-- we were in a band room with no windows! But the guy was definitely not a creep. He had other issues, but he was not a creep. He was just a really dedicated musician who was willing to go the extra distance to help inspire talented students. Our school routinely sent an extraordinarily high number of kids to district, regional, and state orchestra and band as a result-- the kids in our school were not pressured; they learned to love music and strive for excellent results by someone who believed kids could do a little more-- and who came with us to concerts and things, to point out aspects of music we might have missed, introduce us to famous musicians, and otherwise make sure it was really enjoyable.

 

I think the message is not "be wary of everyone who tries to help you and your kids." The message is to trust your gut. Pay attention to your kids. Know what is and isn't appropriate behavior (I would have thought it was weird if he had started hosting sleepovers at his house, for example, particularly for individual or pairs of students, as opposed to the entire band-- that would cross a line-- or like Earl Bradley in Delaware, who would take kids off alone "to give them an ice cream" and then was apparently away with them long enough to assault some of them into unconsciousness, resuscitate them, and calm them down enough to return them to unsuspecting parents-- must have been some "ice cream" in the parents' eyes-- I would never let a doctor do that; I would trot along with them!)

 

As yourself what is a sensible and appropriate relationship, and don't go nuts with thinking your kid can't talk to anybody but you. Apparently I used to wander over to the neighbor's house as a toddler and just sit down and tell him EVERYTHING on my mind :) Mom says we were really good buddies for a few years. (what I know now and didn't know then is that he was a retired Methodist minister-- not something that automatically qualifies him as safe, but I bet my little stories were pretty cute after some of the things he heard during his career. What a patient man, though!). I'm so glad she didn't "protect" me by cutting off all contact for me with any adult but her. I had a lot of wonderful adults in my life as I grew up, and my life would have been poorer without them.

 

Keep this in mind as well . . . the overwhelming majority of people are . . . good. Most people you meet are not plotting to harm your children.

 

For me, being vigilant means applying common sense, and not doubting my "radar," but beyond that, not living a life of stress or looking askance at every adult who interacts with my kids. Jerry Sandusky specifically preyed upon kids from stressed families, not kids from families whose parents were communicating well with their kids and doing okay. Life doesn't give guarantees, but it's also too short to live it fearfully.

[Plink]

My grandfather was a pedophile with many victims, yet I can almost guarantee that any of you would have felt very comfortable having him pay attention to your child. He worked at the local school, tuned skates at the roller rink, and appeared to be a very involved parent and all-round nice guy.

 

He wasn't a nice guy, but it was impossible, IMPOSSIBLE, to see that unless you were his victim. To be sadly honest, some of the victims didn't even really figure it out for many years. They covered for him and made excuses for his behavior repeatedly, and ALL of the parents were in the dark.

 

Even when confronted on his deathbed he claimed to be misunderstood, and he was such a good truth-bender that he had some people questioning what they knew to be reality. I think he even convinced himself that he was innocent.

 

All this to say, putting your kids in a bubble that excludes men won't work. Even if you are with your child 24/7 you may not be able to isolate them from these guys because the ones you need to be aware of are the ones you naturally trust the most (sounds backwards, but it is true). Make sure that you talk with your kids and give them permission to discuss the adults in their lives. And, if they come to you with a tiny gripe about an adult, listen. Really listen. Kids don't often open up with the whole story. They will test to see if you are willing to hear what they have to say first.

[radiobrain]

forget it.

Edited September 24, 2012 by radiobrain