S/O Lisa Welchel thread--how do you stay connected to your spouse?

[Moxie]

How do you remain connected to your spouse outside of/in spite of your children??

 

I see in my own marriage how children can, just because they are children and are demanding, get in the way of our marriage.

There have been several times when we have planned some *couple time* but by the time we wrestle the kids to bed, we're worn out and too annoyed to be happy together.

We don't have a lot of time to talk without little ears around (the joke is that we communicate best over email and text and it really is true).

We don't always have a lot to say to each other that doesn't relate to children.

 

So, what can we (meaning, all of us) do to keep from becoming a 25 year, empty nest statistic?? Hobbies in common? Date nights? Read the same books??

Edited September 21, 2012 by Moxie

[Soror]

Quite often when dh comes home we send the kids to their room for a bit just to have our own time. I try to move quiet time to when he gets off but it doesn't always work. Otherwise they all connect and then we have our time. He leaves before I get up and we both need to go to bed early so it is the best time for us.

[LucyStoner]

10 years here so we made it past 3 and 7 and are closing in on 13 fast (those Gottman hotspots.) I am no expert and who knows what challenges each new season of life will bring. But we are happy and we made it through a couple of rough spots.

 

We make each other a priority distinct from the kids. We make sure we have a conversation about something not kid and life responsibility related, but instead on a topic we are both interested in at least a few times a week, often more. On Sundays we declare movie time for the kids and hole up together to talk and have alone time.

 

We don't do a set weekly date but we try to get out together a few times a month and away for a short vacation (this year, bike camping) together one every year.

 

We stay active sexually. This is a big deal to both of us.

 

We each have something we do for the other to take care of each other. I make him breakfast and pack his lunch every work day. He makes sure I have a little downtime every night and gets up on his weekend day off to make me breakfast. Each of us feels very pampered.

 

We don't argue about senseless stuff anymore. He does the dishes most nights. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen in the morning and the dishes are undone- he was tired, he was busy with something. I used to get really upset over this. Then I realized that it took less energy to do the darn dishes on those mornings than it takes to stew and have an argument. The less we argued about those times, the more he made sure it was done. Now when I see dishes in the sink in the AM instead of thinking "he is so unreliable and lazy", I think "oh, he stayed up really late reading with Finny because Finny is cutting those molars." on the flip side, when he sees I left my wet towel on the floor, he picks it up and hangs it. He used to get so irked that he would come and tell me about it every.single.time. And again, the less he made a deal of it, the more I remember to hang my darn towel. He also steps up and is really hands on with the kids and the housework when he gets home from work. I do most of the housework but it's not because he expects it, it is because I am home. It really helps that he will see a basket of laundry and start folding rather than ask me what I do all day. Assuming positive or neutral intent and meaning is really helpful vs. taking something as your partner not caring about you or being lazy or trying to irk you. We rarely fight and when we do disagree it is about something that matters, like talking through a big purchase or deciding what course of action to take with a child's medical issue.

Edited September 21, 2012 by kijipt

[JenC3]

Well we have "morning time." this is joke among some of our friends and relatives b/c we spend an hr or two talking in the mornings. Our love language is quality time and if we don't have time to talk, everything suffers. The kids interrupt, but mostly they know that we need to talk together. We do put our relationship before the kids. They know we love them and spend time with them a lot as well, but since one day they'll be gone, we have to stay connected.

 

Dh works from home and we are very intertwined. He's my best friend, but we still have friends outside of marriage and go do things without each other. I've actually gone out to a friend's house the past two weekends and tomorrow I'm off to the theater. Dh has coffee with his friends, hangs out with his brothers and hosts a mens forum once a month. We have seperate interests that we share and we love books, movies, historical stuff. We both mostly have the same life view and that helps. We talk about God and our sinful natures, we analyze ourselves a lot to try and change things that need to be changed about ourselves.

 

We've been together 13 yrs next month, married 12 in Dec.

 

 

Really we talk. A. Lot.

Edited September 21, 2012 by JenC3

[jenangelcat]

We've been married for 13 years now and we spend a lot of time talking. On his commute home from work, in the evenings and often for a hour or two after we've gone to bed. We share lots of common interests so it makes conversations easy.

 

We're best friends and look forward to each other's company. We don't see that in many relationships.

[Julie Smith]

We always try to have a shared hobby.

 

We play board games together (mostly with kids right now, but not kid board games).

 

We also go ballroom dancing together.

 

That way when we have no more kids at home we will still have something to do together.

[Happy]

10 years here so we made it past 3 and 7 and are closing in on 13 fast (those Gottman hotspots.) I am no expert and who knows what challenges each new season of life will bring. But we are happy and we made it through a couple of rough spots.

 

We make each other a priority distinct from the kids. We make sure we have a conversation about something not kid and life responsibility related, but instead on a topic we are both interested in at least a few times a week, often more. On Sundays we declare movie time for the kids and hole up together to talk and have alone time.

 

We don't do a set weekly date but we try to get out together a few times a month and away for a short vacation (this year, bike camping) together one every year.

 

We stay active sexually. This is a big deal to both of us.

 

We don't argue about senseless stuff anymore. He does the dishes most nights. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen in the morning and the dishes are undone- he was tired, he was busy with something. I used to get really upset over this. Then I realized that it took less energy to do the darn dishes on those mornings than it takes to stew and have an argument. The less we argued about those times, the more he made sure it was done. Now when I see dishes in the sink in the AM instead of thinking "he is so unreliable and lazy", I think "oh, he stayed up really late reading with Finny because Finny is cutting those molars." on the flip side, when he sees left my wet towel on the floor, he picks it up and hangs it. He used to get so irked that he would come and tell me about it every.single.time. And again, the less he made a deal of it, the more I remember to hang my darn towel. Assuming positive or neutral intent and meaning is really helpful vs. taking something as your partner not caring about you or being lazy or trying to irk you. We rarely fight and when we do disagree it is about something that matters, like talking through a big purchase or deciding what course of action to take with a child's medical issue.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We make each other a priority distinct from the kids....YES!

 

Being sexy with and for each other is important to us.

 

Not stewing is an even better one. :tongue_smilie:

 

We like working on things together...gardening, for example. Exercising together--walks, hiking, lounging in a pool. It's easy to have relaxed conversations while moving around.

 

We do lots together. Pray, go to church, be active in church, garden, walk, work on home projects, etc. We LOVE to travel--whether it's a weekend at a nearby lake or across the world. A couple of years ago, we took up stained glass together. That's fun.

 

When the boys were younger and we didn't have many babysitting options, we would have 'date night' after they went to bed. Special food, cute lingerie, a movie, and teA. When the boys were older and could go to a friend's house for the night, ooh, la, la. LOL. We were also the busy and active baseball or basketball parents.

 

We've also worked in our own businesses together. We each may have had other jobs, but having our own small business gives us more of a joint enterprise. Both of us have gotten our real estate licenses so we can do that as we get older. I'm knee deep in it now, he is still doing his job elsewhere for a couuple more years.

 

I do have girlfriends, but I only hang with them during special times. Dh doesn't do 'guy's night out' much either. We don't let those people take over our lives.

 

We prefer to be together. Some of that may have come from losing my parents early--we've always suspected I might not live as long as other people. We tend to try to 'seize the day' with each other because of that.

 

Just keep looking at each other. If there is an issue make sure it is addressed. Listen hard for clues your spouse may be giving you, too. It can be something they have yet to truly realize in their lives. Don't forget to focus on the positives of your spouse.

[PeacefulChaos]

How do you remain connected to your spouse outside of/in spite of your children??

 

I see in my own marriage how children can, just because they are children and are demanding, get in the way of our marriage.

There have been several times when we have planned some *couple time* but by the time we wrestle the kids to bed, we're worn out and too annoyed to be happy together.

We don't have a lot of time to talk without little ears around (the joke is that we communicate best over email and text and it really is true).

We don't always have a lot to say to each other that doesn't relate to children.

 

So, what can we (meaning, all of us) do to keep from becoming a 25 year, empty nest statistic?? Hobbies in common? Date nights? Read the same books??

 

I just think keeping lines of communication open at all times. I think date nights are unnecessary in most situations, BUT it's really all about what you want to do, kwim? DH and I talk all the time. He comes home for lunch every day and we talk - he tells me about work, I update him on whatever I've heard that day (family/extended family stuff, random stuff, whatever), then he gets off work at 4 and we just are around each other a lot. There are many evenings that one or both of us are out doing other things but I've never felt like FOR OUR MARRIAGE it is necessary to plan 'couple time' or 'dates'. We have fun together no matter what we're doing and we communicate often. :)

Oh, and ...Brew teA often. :D

 

 

ETA: We've been married 11 years.

[kewb]

Um, does my flicking a flashlight on and off in dh's face at 1:30 in morning to simulate how I can not sleep when he is playing a stupid video game at that hour due to the flickering monitor and clacking on keyboards while screaming at him that he is an insensitive jerk count as quality time?

 

That moment aside, we do try to at least get a few minutes a day where we talk to each other about our day and what is going on in our lives.

[Alice]

For us, I think it’s that we need to feel like we are on the same team. We both realize that this is a season where the kids are little and have a lot of needs. Time together is precious and we try to make sure we have it but more important to me is to feel like we are a team working towards the same goals. We spend a lot of time talking about the kids and homeschooling, not because it’s all we have to talk about but because it’s a huge part of our lives.

 

We also involve the kids in our interests rather than just conforming to “kid interests”. We love to travel so we plan travel with the kids. We like museums, we take the kids. We go on family bike rides, we play family board games, we watch movies as a family. So it isn’t just me and the kids or just him and the kids but it’s all of us sharing family memories.

[TranquilMind]

How do you remain connected to your spouse outside of/in spite of your children??

 

I see in my own marriage how children can, just because they are children and are demanding, get in the way of our marriage.

There have been several times when we have planned some *couple time* but by the time we wrestle the kids to bed, we're worn out and too annoyed to be happy together.

We don't have a lot of time to talk without little ears around (the joke is that we communicate best over email and text and it really is true).

We don't always have a lot to say to each other that doesn't relate to children.

 

So, what can we (meaning, all of us) do to keep from becoming a 25 year, empty nest statistic?? Hobbies in common? Date nights? Read the same books??

 

Well, we are really exciting...we talk. :tongue_smilie: He expounded about 25 minutes last night (and he's not a talker!) on economic and political stuff, which is what interests him most. I don't know as much about that, so I listen and ask questions. We also talk about faith matters and hold very much the same beliefs and interest there. Sometimes we read the same books. He exercises a lot and I can't right now, so we talk about that.

 

Once in awhile we have a date night. Or if he is with the kids somewhere, we text a lot back and forth about what is going on.

 

We are closer to the empty nest than you are, it appears, so we are just going to have to figure it out.

[DianeW88]

We will be married 25 years in April and are still going strong.

 

I think THE most important thing is to make sure that your marriage and family do not become child-centered. Your children are not the be-all and end-all of your existence. You had a life before you became a mother and you will have one after. In fact, you will spend MUCH more of your life without your children than with them. They grow up and they will leave you and make their own lives. They won't need you and if your entire world is wrapped up in them to the exclusion of your spouse, you will be left with a shell of a marriage when your nest is empty. You will also become *that* MIL that will drive your children's spouses insane. :D

 

My dh takes priority over my kids and he always has. And I mean that in the nicest way. Of course I am an attentive, supportive and loving mother. I've homeschooled my kids their entire lives, for goodness sake. :lol: However....they are not my world. I have hobbies, interests, activities and things that they are not a part of....by choice.

 

My dh and I talk all. the. time. My kids get annoyed by how much time we spend talking together. Tough. We go out together once a week and have fun. We brew plenty of TeA. That is SO important. My dh and I have a lot in common, so we always have plenty of things to discuss...current events, books we're reading, history (we're both junkies), TV shows we watch together (the man even likes Downton Abbey!), the kids, our families, our lives and activities. We share the same faith and are both active in it. We have the same parenting philosophy. We LOVE nothing more than spending time roaming through bookstores. He is also a Disney freak. We walk together every night that the weather permits.

 

All of these things have kept us close through the years, and I really don't anticipate any great sense of loss when my kiddos have all left the nest. The oldest two are already in college, and I'm nothing but excited and happy for them and the lives they are leading.

 

In my personal experience (aside from any gross misconduct on the part of one spouse like adultery, abuse or addiction...that's a whole 'nother problem), the marriages that seem to drift in later years are ones where the children of the couple became their whole world. I don't think child centered marriages are healthy ones (for the parents or the children), and I think that when that focus disappears, the marriage tends to crumble.

[LostSurprise]

We talk a lot too. We started out as friends and its always been that way.

 

He comes home for lunch most days. We chat on IM during the day. After work he finds me and we just go over everything from that day, what we learned, what we thought, etc. We both listen to everything...even the most boring, technical, obsessive details.

 

We have common hobbies.

 

We stay physical.

 

We actively work to make sure we're not annoying, ignoring or detaching from the other person.

 

None of it is easy. We have a special needs child who takes a lot of time AND who sleeps in our bedroom, but that's why video games and Saturday morning television were invented. ;) If you establish that your partner is important, children will respect that. Often dh takes me into the bedroom to talk and almost all of the kids understand that mom and dad need time to figure things out and make decisions. Often cool, fun decisions that affect them too. :001_smile:

[PeacefulChaos]

I forgot to mention not to become child centered - that's a huge one!

 

Random, but my grandparents are currently traveling 'out west'. My grandpa just turned 75 and my grandma is 73. They are gone for 'about' 2 weeks with no real itinerary or anything - just going to national parks and seeing the scenery and enjoying the time. They're in no real hurry to get back to where they live (midwest) as they are retired and don't have jobs to worry about.

I think that is the ideal picture of retirement. They became empty-nesters later than most their age (I got married/moved out 11 years ago, though I was away at college the year before, but they were still older than most I think) but I have LOVED seeing how their life has become with no 'kids' around. They go do things with friends, they go out for coffee, they go out after church on Sunday evenings - - I just think it all sounds perfect for that stage of life, kwim?

And the vacation is icing on the cake. :D

[marbel]

Pretty much like all of the above.

 

I forgot who mentioned seasons of life. We have gone through seasons when we are harried, overly busy, stressed out with various things so we are not "together" as much as we'd like - when those times come up, we talk about it, acknowledge it, so no one feels neglected. We're both neglected! But that's different from one neglecting the other. And we know it will pass.

 

We don't have date nights but we do things together. Sometimes in the evening we'll have a cocktail and just sit and talk about what we're doing - his work, the news, stuff we're reading. I try to keep up on politics at least enough to ask questions - it's not that interesting to me, but it is to him. I read some of the blogs he enjoys so I can talk about that. We do talk about the kids a lot too though. Our kids need us to talk about them. We talk about homeschooling difficulties, our son's health problems, etc.

 

We don't tend to talk much during the day because we're both busy. But we check in from time to time.

 

We don't argue much, mostly because we're pretty compatible but also because we choose not to let things annoy us. He has a tendency to leave stuff lying around... I just pick it up and put it where it belongs. I'm home more, I'm better at that, so I let it go. When he is working on a house project that tends to happen more often - but I need him to work on the project, it's something I can't do, so I don't hassle him. He in turn does not hassle me when things are not the way he'd like them.

 

We take advantage of rare times when the kids are away. We don't have many opportunities for getting them both away overnight at the same time - no family in the area and they don't have mutual friends. But once in a while it happens, and we take advantage of that. One year while he was a student it happened that he had no classes on the day our kids were in an art class for 2 hours. So we took advantage of that time!

 

We've been married 17 years, not such a very long time. But, so far, so good!

[Soror]

I had another thought. I think it is vitally important that you are honest with each other, even if it hurts. Honest about your own feelings and thoughts, about what you need. Honest when you are disappointed, honest when each other needs a bit of a kick in the pants. When we went through a funk last year honesty is what brought us out. But it had to be done with respect on both of our parts. There had to be listening, even when we didn't want to hear and always trying to give more then you get.

 

We love to walk together but it is a family activity for us. But the kids usually walk ahead and we have lots of time that way. I've been sad that I haven't felt like much walking this pregnancy.

 

We play Yahtzee every night at supper, only us and not the kids. It is a silly thing but we enjoy it. He encourages me to take breaks as I have a hard time doing that at times. When I need help I ask and he pitches in. I try to watch when he is more stressed and make things easier on him.

 

I try to keep our focus on the priorities. I try to encourage him to relax, I've seen him work and stress so hard in the last few years and enough is enough. The to-do list will still be there. I tend to get uptight and want everything done right now but I've worked on letting that go.

[lisamarie]

Our love language is quality time and if we don't have time to talk, everything suffers.

 

I think knowing each other's love languages and acting on that is important. Lately I've been feeling really distant from DH and it took me about two seconds to figure out that it's because we haven't been spending any time together because we've been so busy. So I met DH for a lunch date Monday and I informed DH that we were going to play Scrabble together Monday night and then we hung out again last night. I still feel distant from him, but I know it's temporary and the result of laziness in not making sure we're filling each other's love tanks.

 

Um, does my flicking a flashlight on and off in dh's face at 1:30 in morning to simulate how I can not sleep when he is playing a stupid video game at that hour due to the flickering monitor and clacking on keyboards while screaming at him that he is an insensitive jerk count as quality time?

 

 

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate/loathe/detest/despise computer games??? Some days I wish computers had never been invented so that all DH could do in the evenings is sit there and pay attention to me.;)

[I.Dup.]

I think it's great advice not to be child centered. We got married because I was pregnant and being child centered is what has kept us together all of these years- we are happiest when I am pregnant and have babies and lots of little ones around. But I know that has to change. We do share common interests and that helps a lot. We love to read, we like similar TV shows, we both enjoy photography. We have a very active teA life. I know we have a lot of changes to make before our marriage can weather being childless, though. I do worry about that, often.

[Nestof3]

I don't think we have fallen victim to being a child-centered household, but it's hard to find much to enjoy together anymore.

 

We have completely run out of things to talk about. Several topics end in argument. Our interests apart are so different, and we really aren't interested in the other person's interests -- his are his motorcycle and music while mine are things I learn when teaching and my creative hobbies. Even if my husband watches a great documentary, he cannot remember much. If it doesn't pertain to motorcycles or a song, it does not stay in his memory.

 

We do like riding bikes together, but only when the weather is nice and only when he is not too tired. Unfortunately, his heaviest work weeks are in the spring and fall! :tongue_smilie:

 

We also enjoy flower gardening together and visiting botanical gardens.

 

We enjoy sitting outside in the spring, watching the birds together.

 

We enjoy going to Bed and Breakfasts, hiking, and just being tourists.

 

We used to play Scrabble and Hangaroo together on the computer.

 

We enjoy watching period dramas together.

 

When we were dating, he played the guitar a lot while I sang. We talked a lot, but now we know all the same stories, and there's rarely anything new to talk about.

 

He has complained more about the lack of time we spend together. I complain that it's hard to feel close when we don't spend quality time together, but so often, I'd rather just be alone. I think the zest is just gone.

 

Pair that with me not feeling treasured as I always did in the early years. You know, sending flowers, being doted on. He did buy me some silver owl earrings the other day. He always looks for something owl-related when he is out and about because I have a thing for owls. A few years ago, I was swapping some scrapbooking things online, and I started getting padded envelopes with goodies from an unknown person from my own city. After several packages, my husband admitted that he was the unknown person.

 

I love things like that, perhaps because gifts are a primary love language of mine along with acts of service. When I was working while we were dating, he drove to my office in the winter (he has winters off) and detailed my car. Sometimes it's hard not to take acts of service for granted these days. Last night, the boys and I returned from Great Wolf Lodge. We spent the day at Colonial Williamsburg and arrived home tired. He helped unpack everything. I realize I never really gave him proper appreciation for that.

 

I actually think our marriage will be better when we are empty nest because we are both people who stress out easily, and we have difficult boys.

[Luckymama]

We make each other and our marriage a priority. This was difficult to do when the kids were little but it is worth the effort. We do not hold grudges. We try to not stew over little things. We are considerate of the other's opinions.

 

We talk often during the day. Dh works from home half the time, making talking very easy :lol: When he's at the office we'll text back and forth about both small and large things. We reconnect after work and school. We talk before bed----he usually passes out while I'm still reading in bed.

 

We share common parenting philosophies and political and religious views. We both like books, travel, and going to Disney parks. We look forward to traveling abroad without the kids. We are taking ballroom dancing classes once a week beginning next month. We go out about every other week, to dinner, to the bookstore, to Starbucks, or just to run errands together.

 

We touch. We hug. We laugh.

 

He held me together through losing my parents in the space of 23 months. I support him when he deals with a father who really should retire Right Now (they work for the same firm).

 

We brew many varied pots of teA :D And often, like three or four times a week. :D

 

We are best friends.

[somo_chickenlady]

We pick our battles. *shrug*

 

We also have a date night every Wednesday evening when DS is at youth group at church. We spend a lot of time together, but at the same time we understand that we each need time apart and/or alone.

 

We just get along REALLY well, and there are some couples out there that just don't. Our 15th anniversary is in 5 days, and we get along better now than we did in the earlier years. I think the biggest thing is that our son is older now and much more independent than he used to be, so we can focus more on each other as partners rather than just parents.

Edited September 21, 2012 by somo_chickenlady

[Ottakee]

I like a lot of stuff that this lady writes.

 

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/09/revive-your-marriage-3-revive-your-friendship/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ToLoveHonorAndVacuum+%28To+Love%2C+Honor+and+Vacuum%29

[Audrey]

Many things can get in the way of a connection with your spouse. I think the key is, though, to mutually accept and respect that there are these various seasons in our lives, and that there will be times that you have to make more effort or be more creative in order to get alone time with each other, or alone time without each other, depending on the season. It's a balance of together/apart, so to speak. What that balance looks like is going to be different for each person or each couple.

 

FWIW, I find that other people's "recipes" for marital success are far more damaging than helpful. It would be great that as soon as you got married, you got the manual for your spouse and your relationship from day one to day 55 million and one. It doesn't work like that, though, and trying to be the couple that you aren't (but think you are supposed to be), or trying to be the person that you aren't (but think that you are supposed to be) is so painful and so disingenuous that it will render a relationship to shreds in less time than you think.

[MrsBasil]

.

Edited May 16, 2016 by MrsBasil

[Scarlett]

10 years here so we made it past 3 and 7 and are closing in on 13 fast (those Gottman hotspots.) I am no expert and who knows what challenges each new season of life will bring. But we are happy and we made it through a couple of rough spots.

 

We make each other a priority distinct from the kids. We make sure we have a conversation about something not kid and life responsibility related, but instead on a topic we are both interested in at least a few times a week, often more. On Sundays we declare movie time for the kids and hole up together to talk and have alone time.

 

We don't do a set weekly date but we try to get out together a few times a month and away for a short vacation (this year, bike camping) together one every year.

 

We stay active sexually. This is a big deal to both of us.

 

We each have something we do for the other to take care of each other. I make him breakfast and pack his lunch every work day. He makes sure I have a little downtime every night and gets up on his weekend day off to make me breakfast. Each of us feels very pampered.

 

We don't argue about senseless stuff anymore. He does the dishes most nights. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen in the morning and the dishes are undone- he was tired, he was busy with something. I used to get really upset over this. Then I realized that it took less energy to do the darn dishes on those mornings than it takes to stew and have an argument. The less we argued about those times, the more he made sure it was done. Now when I see dishes in the sink in the AM instead of thinking "he is so unreliable and lazy", I think "oh, he stayed up really late reading with Finny because Finny is cutting those molars." on the flip side, when he sees I left my wet towel on the floor, he picks it up and hangs it. He used to get so irked that he would come and tell me about it every.single.time. And again, the less he made a deal of it, the more I remember to hang my darn towel. He also steps up and is really hands on with the kids and the housework when he gets home from work. I do most of the housework but it's not because he expects it, it is because I am home. It really helps that he will see a basket of laundry and start folding rather than ask me what I do all day. Assuming positive or neutral intent and meaning is really helpful vs. taking something as your partner not caring about you or being lazy or trying to irk you. We rarely fight and when we do disagree it is about something that matters, like talking through a big purchase or deciding what course of action to take with a child's medical issue.

 

Very nice, especially the bolded.

[Scarlett]

Kindness.

 

I think many marriages (including my own first marriage) go off in the ditch when kindness is forsaken.

 

And some people just bring out the best in you (collective You) better than others do.

[DawnM]

We are at 17 years. We like each other. We like being with each other. We like the kids we had together. We consult with each other when we make big decisions. We support each other in our dreams and goals. We respect each other.

 

We plan for another 50 years, unless we live longer!

 

I don't follow anyone else's idea of what my marriage should be like. Some of the people I was supposed to "follow" are now divorced!~ :glare:

[Lara in Colo]

By telephone mostly.

 

Seriously.

 

Lara

[Murphy101]

I don't listen much to supposedly good marriage advice either.

 

Mostly I just tell my dh everything and I don't let things fester.

 

I think it'd be interesting to hear what men feel they do. Mostly mine just nods his head a lot and asks, "How much does it cost?" lol

 

ETA: coming up on 20 years here. :)

[littlebug42]

Dh and I really are each other's favorite companions. We have common interests that we now share with our children. We talk to each other a lot and we very rarely argue. We will be celebrating our 14th anniversary in November and I think our marriage has never been stronger.

[TravelingChris]

We are married 27 years. One thing we did is the same thing Alice has done with her husband= we did our adult activities and brought the children along instead of focusing on mostly child based activities. So they traveled with us to regular places- National Parks, interesting cities, etc. THey went with us to art museums, classical concerts, open air museums, whatever. Now, as adults and near adults, they all like those kind of things. Over here, we have a wonderful botanical garden and all of the kids wanted a membership for a present since they like visiting so much. So we watched Mystery show on PBS before we were married, and to this day, all the kids watch Masterpiece Mystery with us. Same with some other shows we watched.

 

What does this mean for us as the kids leave the house? Well we definitely have some wonderful times to look forward to. All the family likes gourmet cooking but when the last one leaves, we get to eat more normally again. Our days and weekends will no longer be mostly ruled by kid activities. They aren't completely now but then they won't be at all. We will also have more money- kids cost a lot.

 

I think an important aspect of our marriage is how we have interests in common and interests apart. So my dh woodworks and I don't. I read mysteries and he doesn't. He reads Sci Fi and I don't. He tends to watch more science shows than I want to and I tend to watch more legal shows than he wants to. BUt there is still a lot we have together- love of travel, birding, going to concerts, gourmet cooking- whether we are doing it or going out, etc, etc. One thing I have been so happy about living here is that he has found a group at our church that goes and does adventure stuff. Because of my disabilities, most of those activities are out of the question for me (though I am going canoeing soon). But long hiking, playing tennis, etc, is out for me.

[Elinor Everywhere]

Happy Hour!! :D

 

But seriously....yes, happy hour. Ever since we were first married (22 years ago), my dh and I come home from work, pour a drink, sit down, and talk about our respective days.

 

Once we had my dd, we just continued it. The kids learned very (very) early that when Daddy came in the door (I quit work by this time), it was OUR time. They would go play, or take a bath, or read a book, or swim in our pool, or ANYthing but be in the same room with us. After a drink and a talk, my dh starts dinner and the kids wander out from wherever they've been.

 

Also, although we have very different personalities (yin/yang and all that), we like to do a lot of the same things. We raced sailboats for years (not on the same boat! Oh no, not that, please :tongue_smilie:) and we enjoyed swapping stories after a day on the water. We love to travel, and although for years we've taken the kids with us everywhere, lately I've started accompanying my dh on a few business trips with the kids remaining home. They're good for a weekend alone; my sister or mom comes if it runs into a weekday.

 

Prioritizing time together has been the secret to our good and lasting marriage. Kids do not come first!! Although as a mom and homeschooler I sometimes veer in that direction, but dh has always been adamant that he and I are a team, and a strong team makes a happy family. Wise words. :001_smile:

[Murphy101]

I don't think about it much until someone mentions it but we are not child centered either. Family centered.

 

And we always have a happy hour too. A solid 20 minutes of us time to decompress and regroup.

[freeindeed]

Date nights and evening chat/alone time together helps hubby and I to stay connected. Also, we try to keep the lines of communication open. We can always tell when we're slacking with these things!

[Lucy]

We talk every night on the couch. So much so, that our neighbors joke about it! One even called one night and said, "what are you talking about, you were there over an hour ago!"

 

We also have a habit of asking about once a month, "what are three ways i can love you." Some answers stay the same (take me out!) but some change depending on the circumstances (help me teach math!) Its great to watch your spouse go out of their way to serve you specifically as you do the same for them. It's like a reflection of the gospel - willing to die to yourself in little ways in order to love each other.

[Luckymama]

 

We also have a habit of asking about once a month, "what are three ways i can love you." Some answers stay the same (take me out!) but some change depending on the circumstances (help me teach math!) Its great to watch your spouse go out of their way to serve you specifically as you do the same for them. It's like a reflection of the gospel - willing to die to yourself in little ways in order to love each other.

 

Rondi, I really like that! Might need to borrow it :001_smile:

[Melissa in Australia]

we are nearing our 20th anniversary. Dh and I are at home together all day every day, so we have perfected a way to not get into each other's space too much.

We do some things together ~ bee hives, some yard work etc

And we make sure we have our own space and do some things apart.

DH talks a lot and I like to listen, so that work well.

Edited September 22, 2012 by melissaL

[DawnM]

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine is divorcing after 26 years of marriage. I found out 2 weeks ago that another friend is divorcing after 22 years of marriage. Both are homeschoolers.

 

It just made me think of this thread.

 

It also makes me (warning: CC ahead) want to remember to get on my knees and pray for my children's future marriages. My parents prayed for my spouse from my infancy and they prayed faithfully.

 

Dawn

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

Kindness.

 

I was going to say the same thing. My husband often thanks me... for smiling at him.

[Scarlett]

I was going to say the same thing. My husband often thanks me... for smiling at him.

 

:) Mine thanks me for 'being nice' to him.

[Nestof3]

:) Mine thanks me for 'being nice' to him.

 

Same here, but his word is sweet. Apparently, I do not smile enough.

[I.Dup.]

I was going to say the same thing. My husband often thanks me... for smiling at him.

 

:) Mine thanks me for 'being nice' to him.

 

Awwwwww, sweet guys. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

Many things can get in the way of a connection with your spouse. I think the key is, though, to mutually accept and respect that there are these various seasons in our lives, and that there will be times that you have to make more effort or be more creative in order to get alone time with each other, or alone time without each other, depending on the season. It's a balance of together/apart, so to speak. What that balance looks like is going to be different for each person or each couple.

 

FWIW, I find that other people's "recipes" for marital success are far more damaging than helpful. It would be great that as soon as you got married, you got the manual for your spouse and your relationship from day one to day 55 million and one. It doesn't work like that, though, and trying to be the couple that you aren't (but think you are supposed to be), or trying to be the person that you aren't (but think that you are supposed to be) is so painful and so disingenuous that it will render a relationship to shreds in less time than you think.

 

I agree with all of this. We are different people than we were when we were 20 years old, why would we interact the same way we did when we were 20?

 

We have more baggage. We have more stress and it's *different* stress than when we had 3 little kids. It is *harder* to connect at this stage in our lives than in the busybusybusy stage with little kids. We have to work at it more.

 

I know military life is very different than civilian life in many ways, so, what I see most commonly breaking up marriages will be very different than what most of you see.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[Mom-ninja.]

Be nice to each other.

 

Don't take each other for granted.

 

Respect each other.

 

Take care of each other.