Shelly in VA Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Hello, all! I am wondering how to assess dd's foot dragging attitude regarding college applications. She says that she wants to go to college and study nursing. She has great grades, fantastic SAT/ACT scores, etc. However -- she won't communicate wrt picking colleges to look at, she won't fill out the Common App, she won't work on application essays. She scored high enough for commended National Merit status on the PSAT last fall, and had her two letters of recommendation sent to two schools (UVA and William & Mary) she now says she will absolutely not attend. :banghead: Part of me thinks this is a subconscious way of her saying she isn't ready for college yet, and part of me thinks she's just too young/immature/arrogant to realize that this is important. I think she believes that her test scores are high enough that admission is a given, which, of course it isn't. All in all, I am so frustrated that I want to throw in the towel on all of the kids (she is the oldest), and let someone else deal with it!! Kidding (in part), but really, really struggling to know where to push and where to let things self correct. How much do I step in and do for her? How much guidance would a high school counselor be giving her? Maybe I just need some dinner and a huge cup of tea... or wine... Thank you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Sit down with some wine....... Her words say one thing and her actions another. The whole college process can be overwhelming. The idea of college can be overwhelming! I'd take your dd out to lunch so you can have some uninterrupted time. (Maybe your dh could come too?) Talk about her plans/desires. Find out what she wants -- if she even knows. Discuss the nursing idea -- is she truly on board with the idea, or did she latch onto it because she felt she needed some goal and it looked reasonable? If she doesn't really know where she is headed, that's okay, but it's good to have her lack of plans/focus out in the open. If she WANTS to go to college, ask her what is holding her back. Is she freaking out about the process? Is she scared about the commitment? Come up with some kind of plan/schedule/master list so she knows about all the facts and deadlines. If she does NOT want to go to college, assure her that it's okay! Breathe deeply! Encourage her to think about her options -- does she want to go to a community college for a year and deal with the college process next fall? Does she want to work for a year and try to figure out what she is interested in? Just because a student doesn't want to head to college at age 18 does NOT mean that she won't want to go next year or the year after -- she may just need some time off from academics. Random note -- UVA and W&M are not the schools i would be investigating if my dd wanted to go into nursing. W&M has no nursing program, and at least a few years ago UVA's nursing program involved applying at the end of sophomore year for the program, which only involved junior and senior year. The acceptance rate was fairly low, so someone going to UVA for nursing needed to have a backup plan in case she didn't get in at the end of her sophomore year. (The info about UVA may be out of date) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooooom Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I think this is completely normal. I sat w/ my kids to fill out the common app. It was stupid but that is what it took. I sat them down and told them to write an essay, and not to move until it was done. We traveled to visit schools and that seemed to help quite a bit. But only one of my three was motivated to do any of his own searching and applying. BTW all three are freshmen this fall and very happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I had to do the sit-down-over-lunch thing with DD18. Getting her to apply to ANY college was impossible. After we sat down and talked about it, she felt better but still was dragging her feet. Finally, I think we gave her an ultimatum of some sort - silly for a 17yo! - "get the applications done this weekend or your mom will start nagging you to death every moment of every day for the next month". It worked and she's off at college now with scholarships and having a wonderful time. Some of them (like my oldest son) jump out of the nest with both feet. Others (like my DD) find the whole thing scary and overwhelming and need a foot in the rear to get themselves launched. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Part of me thinks this is a subconscious way of her saying she isn't ready for college yet, and part of me thinks she's just too young/immature/arrogant to realize that this is important. It is very frustrating but also very common and normal. Both her behavior and your reaction to it are quite typical. I can assure you that many kids who made their parents' lives miserable fall of senior year go on to be very pleasant people by the spring of senior year and are very much ready to begin college the next fall. Try not to read too much into her foot-dragging. I suggest you work together to break it into manageable tasks with specific deadlines. Many families find having some regular meeting time works best. Try to keep it happy and light - cookies at home or a trip to Starbucks or whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the input! Lunch is a good idea; when we've tried to have this conversation over the past year or so, it is met with silence, so a social outing that seems less intimidating can't hurt! Thanks, too, for the input in specific schools. I know that W&M has no nursing program, and dh and I discussed that with dd when she chose that as one of her schools... another source of my frustration! There is no shortage of nursing programs, so why she would choose them is beyond me! As for UVA, you can now apply at the end of the freshman year for their nursing program, and a number of changes to the program have been made over the past few years, so it is a good choice for nursing right now. The biggest issue I have is why she didn't choose a better nursing school for her two letters! At the time, she already knew that, for instance, UNC has a good program, as do a number of other VA schools. Thank you for the input; we'll try lunch one of these days. For now, I'll go pour some wine, since my littles are in bed and it will be just me and two teens for the evening. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the input. I may have to sit next to her and go through the app with her. Sigh. I hoped she would outgrow that by now!! Of my four children, the oldest (the dd I'm talking about) and the youngest would suck every last second out of me every day if they could. :) It's all good if they feel solid in my support and they are able to become their own people one day, right?!! Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 I'm so relieved to hear this! Sorry you went through the same frustration, but it is very encouraging to hear that a foot-dragging 17yo can become a happy, independent 18yo! Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 Manageable tasks, specific deadlines -- I can give her that. Thank you for the suggestion! Thanks, too, for mentioning that the senior year fall attitude can be completely different from the senior year spring mood. Something for me to keep in mind and aim for. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Even my oldest, who had worked and adult job for 3 years after high school before he decided (HE - we were staggered) wanted to go to a particular college, still needed me next to him to fill out the application. There were just too many things he didn't know and the whole process was too intimidating. I was the one who figured out what had to be done. I made a list and fed him the tasks at the right time. He wanted to do the whole process but had no idea how. I remembered from when I had gone to college (with my parents helping me to apply lol) so it was much easier for me to make that to-do list. We opted to do the paper application because it was so much simpler but I had to be there because he didn't know how to spell my middle name, among other things, or the date of my graduation. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that your daughter probably knows that this is complicated and gets that tired, I-can't-deal-with-this-right-now feeling every time she thinks about it. You are probably going to have to help narrow down the choices for her and sit with her while she fills out the application. If she went to our public school, guidance would meet with her and give her a short list of suitable colleges. She would write her essay in her English class. Guidance would help her to fill out the application (or push the parents to do it). She might well not really want to be a nurse. You will have to talk to her and figure that out. Or she might not be ready for college. In my experience, though, her ability to sit down and fill out the application or to narrow down an endless list of college choices are not indicators of either of those things. Lots of students can't do either one without lots of nudging and help. Those same students do fine once they get to college. I know it is frustrating (I've been through this with two of mine) but you are in good company - people have written whole books on this subject! Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in VA Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 I remembered from when I had gone to college (with my parents helping me to apply lol) so it was much easier for me to make that to-do list... If she went to our public school, guidance would meet with her and give her a short list of suitable colleges. She would write her essay in her English class. Guidance would help her to fill out the application (or push the parents to do it)... Those same students do fine once they get to college. I know it is frustrating (I've been through this with two of mine) but you are in good company - people have written whole books on this subject! Thanks, Nan! Helpful advice. I am feeling better about her needing a high level of guidance, and I recognize that a lot of assistance would be given in ps. Heck, she even has a ps friend here who was stunned that she "had" to study for the PSAT/SAT/ACT on her own, b/c, as the friend told her, "We just do that in school, since I go to a real school." Yep, that's real, all right... As for your first sentence, well, that's part of where my struggle lies. When I went to college, my parents did not help me out AT ALL. I did the application process, I had no clue how to find scholarships unless they fell in my lap, and my parents dropped me off at the beginning of each semester and only picked me up for breaks if I couldn't find a ride home. Of course, I still harbor some resentment over how difficult that sometimes was for me, and yet, here I am, thinking the situation should be just like that. Now there's a book waiting to be written! :D Thanks for the help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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