tantrums...... I need help

[HappyLady]

My DS just turned 2 and ever since I can remember he's been having tantrums. As a baby he was miserable and cried all the time. I thought when he started crawling it would be different. Nope. Then I figured once he started walking it would get better. Nope. Then I thought when he could communicate it would get better. He's not really talking yet, but he can tell me what he wants. It's not any better. :glare:

 

It's to the point where I don't even want to take him in public anymore. :( When we go grocery shopping he screams and cries in the cart. I've tried getting him a balloon before we even start shopping (our grocery store gives them out for free to kids), I've tried giving him food to eat, toys to play with, and everything gives me about 5 minutes of peace and quiet and then the screaming fit starts. I've had other mothers coming up to me offering suckers and such to get him to stop crying, which I appreciate, but it makes ME then want to cry!

 

The other day was our first day of co-op. The older kids were in one part of the house (this was at a member's house) and the younger kids had a HUGE room full of toys to play in. My DS was fine for about 5 minutes and then kept pulling me to the door that led to where the big kids were. I don't know why he wanted to go in there when he had a room full of new toys and kids to play with, but it turned into him having a 3 hour long tantrum. No joke.

 

My DH is now using his vacation time to stay home with our DS when I have to do things with our DD because I will absolutely lose my sanity if I have to take him anywhere anymore. I'm honestly at my wit's end with him. :(

 

At home he's not any better. He'll want to go in the basement to play (we have a play area setup down there) but he can't go down there by himself and if I'm cooking dinner or something I try to explain to him that we'll play down there later, but he just throws himself down and screams and cries and continues to bring me to the basement door so he can go down there. We have toys EVERYWHERE upstairs so it's not like there are only things for him to play with down there and I'm depriving him.

 

I've tried just about every technique to deal with his tantrums and nothing has helped. Today we started with the "time out" chair and so far that hasn't helped. I know I have to give it time, but my nerves can't really take much more of this.

 

I talked to his pediatrician and I basically got the "it will get better" speech, but after 2 years of an unhappy kid I've just about had it. My DD is such a good kid so I have no experience with this kind of behavior. She's never, ever had a tantrum either. And it's not that she got all my attention and now he has to "share" either because HE'S the one who gets all of my attention now. I don't tend to do much with my DD until my DS is napping. So I just don't know what to make of all this.

 

Any thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

[tabrizia]

Have you tested him for sensory issues and food allergies? Honestly at 2 tantrums are normal, but if this has been happening since he was an infant I would think something else is going on.

[fairfarmhand]

if he's still in a crib, I'd be tempted to set him there and see how long he would keep it up?

But I would definitely be suspicious of food allergies too.

[Karen in CO]

Have you tested him for sensory issues and food allergies? Honestly at 2 tantrums are normal, but if this has been happening since he was an infant I would think something else is going on.

yes - this.

 

My dd had more fits and tantrums than my other two. If she'd been born first, she'd have been an only child. Turns out that the poor babe is celiac and had been in pain for almost 7 years before we figured it out. When she was 2, I carried her in a mei tai baby carrier on my back to keep her comfortable and near so I could get things done. She was much happier near me. For a child that has been miserable like this since birth, I'd look for allergies or sensory issues that could explain the problem.

[HappyLady]

Have you tested him for sensory issues and food allergies? Honestly at 2 tantrums are normal, but if this has been happening since he was an infant I would think something else is going on.

 

I haven't. I thought if I talked to his pediatrician he would suggest something like that if those might be a possibility, but he didn't. I never knew food allergies could cause behavioral issues. I'll look up signs for sensory issues and food allergies and see if anything relates to him.

[Alenee]

Agreeing with both pps. My middle dd was like that from about 3wks on. We finally found out she had sensory processing disorder. Life didn't get any easier until we had blood and urine tests done at a naturopath's office. She was severely deficient in many vitamins and minerals.

[HappyLady]

if he's still in a crib, I'd be tempted to set him there and see how long he would keep it up?

But I would definitely be suspicious of food allergies too.

 

He calms down in his crib, but his doctor said not to put him in there anymore because he'd associate it with his bad behavior. But it so far has been my saving grace. :(

[fairfarmhand]

He calms down in his crib, but his doctor said not to put him in there anymore because he'd associate it with his bad behavior. But it so far has been my saving grace. :(

I don't know that I agree. Because he may just need some space to calm himself. Its almost like you are teaching him to take 5 minutes and breathe. Many many parents set overwrought children in there rooms to give them time to calm themselves.

 

Personally, I'd scoop him up the instant a fit started and take him to the crib. Gently set him in it and firmly say, "No fits." and leave the room. Once he's quiet, I'd pick him up, cuddle him and let him play.

[bolt.]

Fussing is normal at his age, but his seem both frequent and intense. I don't think you should consider it a tantrum/fit. A tantrum/fit is something an older child does *by choice* because the child believes that by being unpleasant they can get you to do what they want. A meltdown/fuss is something that happens to a younger child, without choice, because their feelings are intense and they don't have another way to cope with the feelings. (Kids learn to tantrum when they are 'taught' by the results of their natural meltdowns that it might be a good thing to try intentionally. You can prevent that by not letting meltdowns make you do what the child asked for in the first place.)

 

An intentional tantrum/fit needs a firm limit, but a meltdown often needs comfort. It can help if you model coping skills, such as deep breathing. It can also help if you hold the child, hug him, pet him or shhh him like a baby. On the other hand, some kids do better with a little space to themself to settle their feelings, perhaps with stuffed toys. I agree with the doc that this should not be the same as the sleeping space... it can lead to sleep problems which are only going to make behaviour problems worse. (Speaking of sleep, do you think he gets enough? What about blood sugar levels... do you provide frequent snacks? Thirst? Just brainstorming.)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would guess that there is something more going on only because it has been constant from infancy. It is very unlikely it is solely behavioral and that he has control over it (and therefore could be disciplined out of it) under the circumstances.

 

*I* would immediately try diet. I'd like to say I'd do a full elimination diet and then add things back in but I probably wouldn't. I'd probably start with dairy and then try gluten if that didn't make a significant difference.

 

In the meantime, I *would* continue to discipline him for it. We had one little guy we put out on the back porch because "uh oh, outside voices go outside." He calmed down out there where he wouldn't in his bed. I don't think that sitting in his bed is a bad idea though. I go lie on my bed when I'm out of sorts also! BTW, and that is the point, not punishment. When we are feeling miserable, we go get ourselves together without subjecting the rest of the world to our miserable-ness. Some people fine a "soft corner" or "reading nook" or whatever to work just as well. And some people can do "time-in" the same way with good success. We actually only send one kiddo because it works for him and not for the other four. Again, the idea is to calm down, not punishment him for not doing it correctly. He hasn't learned yet! He shouldn't be punished.

 

One more thing on that. Different people do differently. You may find that you can go in there in 1-2 minutes, though he is still SCREAMING, and say, "are you done?" and he'll nod and quiet and be ready to come out. You may find that he needs to be there til he is babbling or calls you or whatever.

 

Another thing that helps A LOT is giving LOTS of limited choices. Love and Logic Magic (the one for 0-6yr olds) likens it to a bank. Each choice he makes is like a deposit. If you have enough deposits, it isn't problematic to have a withdrawl (mom's choice). If you don't have enough in the bank, a withdrawl may be more uncomfy.

 

But I most certainly would consider diet and seeing if you can find any sensory triggers. It'll be a LOT easier when he can TELL you more in a year.

Edited September 20, 2012 by 2J5M9K

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[Camche3]

I could have written your post. My ds18mos is just like this and has been since birth. He is happy when we go outside or read a book or something else to entertain him but will not entertain himself at all. He throws tatrums constantly. If he is not on my hip then he is into something and when I get him out of what ever it is then the tantrum begins. My first three were never like this. He doesn't want me to cook dinner or clean the house unless I hold him while doing it. Scooling is a nightmare. He climbs all over me and the table and throws tantrums because he can't have pencils or tear up papers or my drink. I have tried every toy in the stores and have even let him play in water beside me. Nothing works for more than 2 minutes. People think he is not disciplined but he has always been this way. Under 15 months we sat on the couch and nursed all the time. Now even though he still nurses he just constantly tries to get into everything and then when I stop him he throws a fit forever! I have had to get up 10 times while writing this to chase him. The only thing I can do right now is put a baby gate at his room door and put him in his room when he throws a fit and then ignore him until he calms down. I also use it for a 1 minute time out for when he won't listen. :grouphug: because I know what you are going through. :lurk5: Watching this thread for ideas.

[wonderchica]

I too would look at sensory issues and food allergies. When did he turn 2? Does he babble or make noises? Any words at all? A couple good books to look at at the library might be The Out of Sync Child or The Explosive Child.

[Parrothead]

He calms down in his crib, but his doctor said not to put him in there anymore because he'd associate it with his bad behavior. But it so far has been my saving grace. :(

His doctor sounds a bit lost. Don't feel bad about the crib. Chances are he is able to self sooth in there because it is a small area without a lot of distraction.

 

I agree with the others. Sensory issues, food intolerances or allergies.

 

I'd do an elimination diet to start. One of the biggest contributors is food dyes and artificial sweeteners. Next on the list if HFCS. Also dairy, wheat and soy.

 

I'd also make sure his clothing is all natural fibers. Check seams against your cheek for itchy or rough areas. Cut out all tags and don't make him wear socks or shoes. If the house is generally bright, darken it. If it is dark try to lighten it. I'd be willing to bet bright and noisy sets him off hence is inability to go to the market with you. Maybe that is why he is so desperate to play in the basement.

 

An exact schedule may help him. Lots of warnings about changes that will happen. A 10, 5 and 1 minute warning about the next activity. Have him help you count down the last 10 seconds.

 

There is more that I used to do with dd, but mostly for her it was seams, noise and light. Oh, and food textures. She wasn't a picky eater but some textures (like eggs) made her gag. She mostly outgrew that (except for eggs)

 

Back to the crib. Does he like to hide in closets or build little forts? He might be too young yet for that. Oh sitting under a laundry basket. That used to make dd content. At 4 she was building forts in the bathroom because the light was not too bright and the space was small.

[blondeviolin]

I have two that were like that (back-to-back!). Neither had food allergies. The second I suspect some sensory seeking, but it's not been diagnosed. My solution to her was to place her on the back porch and tell her outside noises are for outside. It was the ONLY place she'd calm down. At 3, life is getting easier, but she still clings on to many comfort measures that are sensory-related.

 

You might try the outside thing... My kids seem to calm quickly there.

[Susan in TX]

He calms down in his crib, but his doctor said not to put him in there anymore because he'd associate it with his bad behavior. But it so far has been my saving grace. :(

 

I think you need to find another doctor...seriously, if putting him in his crib calms him down then do that!

 

Susan in TX

[idnib]

Yep, check for food allergies.

[mykdsmomy]

I agree with everyone about the food allergies/sensitivity and sensory issues.

 

The pediatrician will most likely say food issues won't cause behavioral issues but as you can see just from this thread, there are many mamas who would disagree ;)

 

I would start with dairy....then remove gluten. Remember it will take a while to see a difference with gluten removal (up to 3 weeks, I believe?) And, it might get worse before it gets better :(

 

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) I can totally and completely empathize with you ....my ds is 8 and he is STILL tantruming daily (but he has other special needs that cause it).

[tabrizia]

He calms down in his crib, but his doctor said not to put him in there anymore because he'd associate it with his bad behavior. But it so far has been my saving grace. :(

 

Honestly if he calms in his crib, I am guessing there is at least a few sensory issues in there.

[Heather in OK]

Ditto having him checked for the sensory/allergy issues.

 

I would also have him seen by a chiropractor.

 

And I'll play devil's advocate on the crib issue.

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/health/childinmind/2012/09/never_leave_a_child_alone_duri.html

[HappyLady]

Thanks, everyone. I'm definitely going to look into everything that's been suggested.

 

I don't know how to multi-quote so I'll try to answer as much as I can this way. I've been thinking about doing an elimination diet to see if it helps. My first guess would be gluten. We're vegan so dairy is already out of our diet. He does get soy, but not that much. He drinks hemp milk, with soy about every few days. Soy foods aren't huge in our diet either. That's why I'm thinking to try gluten first. He very rarely eats foods with artificial colors and such so I don't think it's that. He doesn't even really like sweets except for fruits.

 

Thinking about everything I really think he needs a calm environment from time to time. Today I took him to an open play session at this place where they have a bounce house, trampolines, foam pit, etc. He was having a great time and then all of a sudden he snapped about 45 minutes after playing and wanted to leave. He dragged me to the door, grabbed my bag and shoes out of the cubby hole and shoved them at me. He wouldn't even let me put his shoes on he was in such hysterics. The second we walked out the door he calmed down and was happy as a clam driving around. :confused: Does that sound like a sensory issue?

[fairfarmhand]

 

Thinking about everything I really think he needs a calm environment from time to time. Today I took him to an open play session at this place where they have a bounce house, trampolines, foam pit, etc. He was having a great time and then all of a sudden he snapped about 45 minutes after playing and wanted to leave. He dragged me to the door, grabbed my bag and shoes out of the cubby hole and shoved them at me. He wouldn't even let me put his shoes on he was in such hysterics. The second we walked out the door he calmed down and was happy as a clam driving around. :confused: Does that sound like a sensory issue?

 

I don't know if it is sensory, but my 2nd dd got very overwhelmed with lots of activity going on. I get like that too. VBS week at my church drives me nuts. Crowded busy places, shopping around the holidays or amusement parks....I get to the point where I just. Must. Leave. NOW!

 

Are the meltdowns typically happening when things are busy or hectic? Is he reacting to the chaos? Maybe he needs a quiet corner in which he can retreat, even if you just toss a quilt over the kitchen table while you are cooking.

[deacongirl]

I like the book Transforming the Difficult Child. And agree that an eval. with a good OT could be helpful.

[Parrothead]

 

Thinking about everything I really think he needs a calm environment from time to time. Today I took him to an open play session at this place where they have a bounce house, trampolines, foam pit, etc. He was having a great time and then all of a sudden he snapped about 45 minutes after playing and wanted to leave. He dragged me to the door, grabbed my bag and shoes out of the cubby hole and shoved them at me. He wouldn't even let me put his shoes on he was in such hysterics. The second we walked out the door he calmed down and was happy as a clam driving around. :confused: Does that sound like a sensory issue?

Wow! That is one smart kid. He knows when he has had enough stimuli and is ready for it to be over.

 

I'd make sure he has several areas on each floor of the house that he can go to for calming down. Lots of blue, calm, and peaceful stuff. Think Zen. Not too many toys. Classical music might be helpful.

 

Maybe you can take him to the market with sunglasses and ear plugs or an MP3 with soft music (or whatever he likes best). I'd keep excursions short and build up so he can better build up a tolerance.

Edited September 20, 2012 by Parrothead

[ChrisB]

I never knew food allergies could cause behavioral issues.

I found out when DS6 was a baby that he was highly intolerant towards nitrate/nitrites, so think of any lunch meats, etc. I was BF'ing him at the time, and whenever I ate them, he would cry for 3 days. I finally figured out this was one of his triggers. To this day whenever he has them, which isn't very often obviously, he gets upset very easily and is hard to calm down.

[bolt.]

It sounds like he needs calm / quiet / alone / small space -- in order to re-group after over-stimulation. I still suggest that this *not* be his sleeping space, but you can learn from whatever it is that is helpful about his crib in order to set up a different soothing space for him.

 

I also suggest that you build into his daily rhythm quite a few 'breaks from action' -- ether time alone, or time to read together, or browsing books alone in his room, or nurse if you are doing extended breastfeeding, or sit quietly and have a Popsicle by himself, or re-build a fort on a daily basis -- then have 'play sleepover' in it... Well, start by building a daily rhythm in the first place, if you haven't already, but try to consider his need for 'coffee breaks of calm' and (maybe) solitude or semi-solitude.