justme824 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I am a lurker coming out of lurkdom for some advice. I have really enjoyed reading these boards over the past two years of my journey and I hope now that I have come out of lurkdom I can get more involved. I have really seen some great advice given and I hope you can share some with me right now :) There was SO MUCH drama surrounding our homeschool groups/coops around the end of last year. I had hoped summer would smooth some things over but it appears the drama is lingering on and on. The only thing that has happened is everything has been divided up into several small groups so that people can be selective on which to belong too. I have attended park days and field trips from several of the groups this year looking for our 'home' and while doing so I try hard to stay on the outskirts of the drama, however, somehow it always seems to get to me and I am sucked in with a bunch of questions and people begging for my opinion and trying to get me to take sides. My mind is renting far too much space to the issues of everyone else right now. I am seriously considering pulling out of these groups right now before my mind explodes. I am finding it is having a negative impact on both my role as mother and teacher for my kids. I know for me personally pulling out is the best choice. I need my focus to shift in a big way and I am quite certain this will be my best chance to do so. My biggest fear of pulling out, however, is that I have no close homeschool friends and this is really the only outlet my kids have to socialize outside of a couple classes they attend that are not associated with the groups. We do have one other family that we get together with from time to time (she too is feeling the strong desire to pull out as well). There is also one other that we see maybe once a month. I know socialization isn't an issue. We see lots of people just living life and they are plenty socialized. I am just afraid I will be pulling them from friends and a chance to play with them in a relaxed environment as opposed to a few minutes before and/or after class. But at the same time I know in my heart that pulling them will give them a better mother and a better education. I've tried looking for other groups but many of the drama seekers are involved or the ones that look really good are at least an hour away and I can't afford the time or gas that would take. I've written quite the novel for a first post haven't I? Any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 Anyone??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 :grouphug: And welcome We have had our share of drama in homeschool groups. I tried to just focus on what I want out of the group for the benefit of my kids. Very hard NOT to get drawn in most of the time though. We ended up making a few friends and then getting together with them outside of regular park days/group activities. Hope it all works out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 How old are your children? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 *I* would probably pull out and make a regular get-together time with one or two families that you really enjoy and who aren't a part of the drama. We do not participate in a homeschool group, but between the neighbors and some friends who've committed to regular play times, my kids get plenty of downtime with friends. Or you can master the art of not being involved in drama and enjoying people anyway: "Hmm, that sounds like quite a dilemma. How do you think you'll handle it?" or "I just don't feel I have enough information to takes sides on this one," and change the subject, or "Look! A butterfly!" :D My boys enjoyed one of their activities (not a homeschool group) too much to give it up, and in order to afford it I have to volunteer....I just keep my head down, do my job, and say things like, "Gee, that's too bad. What do you think will happen next?" Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 It's a ton of work, but if the group aspect is important to you - start your own with like-minded parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I am seriously considering pulling out of these groups right now before my mind explodes. I am finding it is having a negative impact on both my role as mother and teacher for my kids. I know for me personally pulling out is the best choice. I need my focus to shift in a big way and I am quite certain this will be my best chance to do so. Okay so go ahead and start leaving the group My biggest fear of pulling out, however, is that I have no close homeschool friends and this is really the only outlet my kids have to socialize outside of a couple classes they attend that are not associated with the groups. We do have one other family that we get together with from time to time (she too is feeling the strong desire to pull out as well). There is also one other that we see maybe once a month. Your kids will be fine. Do you have other friends? If so you should be fine. If not perhaps you can make some friends if you have time since you aren't focusing on the drama. Or you could just hang around here with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Leave. RUN! It will be fine. Worst case, after a year of regrouping and healing, you can tentatively look into other groups. btdt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 There is drama in every group. It waxes and wains. If your kiddos are happy and you generally like the mommas, then stay put. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Leave. RUN! It will be fine. Worst case, after a year of regrouping and healing, you can tentatively look into other groups. btdt :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallory Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 After many years and moves and trying different homeschool groups, I have decided they aren't worth our time. I have found that what works best for our family is actually getting involved in our community. That seems to find people we are much better suited for us then just the fact that we homeschool (which as the only athiests for what seems like 100's of mile on some days, are not often the group we fit in with). We are very active at a food pantry/pregnancy center. We are very active with local sports- from helping coach little league teams to going to middle school/school sports (without knowing how old your kids are this may or may not be helpful, but my middle school aged kids see their freinds and my little ones chase around all the other little brothers and sisters). Cub scouts was great for us, boy scouts hasn't really worked out, but I am excited to start my dd in girl scouts. I also always think longingly of joining a 4-H group, but that hasn't happened either. Maybe it is a dance center or some kind music or singing that will help you find your community. It doesn't have to be homeschooling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 Thank you so much for offering your thoughts. I have a lot to think about, but my heart is definitely being pulled in the direction of dropping the groups. My thought right now is to drop through the holidays and see how we do filling our time. Come the new year I'll reevaluate and decide if we even miss them, or if we have found a much better way to spend our free time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I left a homeschool group that I was co-leader of because the incessant drama the other women created took too much time from my family. Someone was always mad at someone or something. The concept of everyone giving a little to make the group work seemed lost on most. We were in several other groups of all different types, and it was the same thing in all of them to greater or lesser degrees. We have since moved, and I hang out on the edge of the local group, doing 4H and a few field trips. It seems more loosely organized and pretty drama-free, but it's not a full-on group. We have had much more luck just joining groups based on dc's interests and community activities, not specifically homeschool groups. I have found less drama from non-homeschool moms IRL. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammieb Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 We pulled out of every group we were involved in about 3 years ago and have never looked back. For our family, it was what we needed. We've been able to come together as a family and enjoy learning things together that we're interested in learning. Every family and group is different. You just have to focus on what's best for you and your kiddos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 We are part of a group. I wouldnt say they are my friends, but i go to the activities they have and we have fun. I could see if there was drama, id leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I agree with the pp that suggest you start your own group. It doesn't have to be formal or a lot of work. You mentioned one mom who was thinking of leaving and another family you see once a month. Maybe you could work up something regular with them, so you feel like your kids are seeing their friends at least a couple times a month. I only have two IRL friends near me that homeschool and I've avoided joining a group because they're all too far away for me. But we've been getting together with the one or two families we know almost weekly for a few years now on Fridays. We're switching it up a bit now, but in the past we had a rotation of field trip, art, book club, and composer study each month and we'd take turns hosting and teaching. Or we'd do other activities. Because there were so few of us we've been pretty relaxed. It's mainly a glorified outlet for us moms to chat and the kids to play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Wow, so can I ask is all the drama related to 2 women who use to be friends but aren't now?! You could always start your own group & tell them it's conflict free & take it elsewhere. Is there another town nearby that has groups you could join? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Could you just tell everyone that you need to take a year off for various reasons, and then leave the door open to go back next year? That way you could just try it out, and see how it goes. Taking a year off isn't as scary as leaving the group forever ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I agree that drama comes with the territory. I was on the board of a local group that was great until the leader who had founded it and who had been the president for years moved away. Several others on the board decided to step down then. In the process of getting new people in, financial irregularities were discovered, and then they decided to go to restrictive statement of faith. At that point there was no choice but to leave. And we've done local classes with three groups, and all have had their share of crises, some of them quite ugly and painful. One was so bad that we almost pulled out permanently, but thankfully new blood came in and it seems OK. The best local field trip group is run like a business by an individual (less drama), and we're almost at the point where it isn't something we need. We have our activities and friends, and are taking more and more online classes. I haven't decided, but if we do local classes we may end up with two that are offered by individuals that we know well, so no groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Life is toooooo short to deal with the stress of unnecessary group drama. Homeschool co-ops/play groups can be sources of serious drama. You have to weigh the positives and negatives. Frankly, I've yet to find a group in which the positives outweighed the crazy. Your children will be fine. Think of it this way, "Would I want my kids to grow up and act like these parents?" If not, hmmmm....seek out different adults to spend time with and they don't need to be homeschooling adults either. Another question, "How do you think this drama affects the other children?" I've found that when the parents get that nutsy, the kids follow suit. Especially, girls when their mothers get all drama queen and that's just something I never wanted dd to be engaged in. She was an easy child to raise with a very helpful, compassionate personality and I didn't want that ruined by the influence of too much time spent with "mean girl" syndrome. I would totally drop out, lay low, think about what I wanted from social activities, and then find something with a more homogenous group. Try 4-H. Dh and I are 4-H leaders for 17 kids - science, engineering, technology, and math. We have almost ZERO parent drama. The kids have a good time working on their projects together, the parents have to help though they definitely do have time to chat and maybe form a friendship if they want, but generally, no drama. Now, that may not be true of livestock clubs - there can be some serious competition amongst the kids in livestock, especially horses and dogs, however, the vast majority of leaders reign that stuff in pretty well....occasionally, you find one that doesn't...we just had a horse club that was disbanded by 4-H council for their snarky ways. That is, however, pretty rare. If you find a project oriented club, fine arts, art/crafts, archery, science, natural resources, etc., your kids will probaly have a great time and you will meet nice people without drama. :grouphug: Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 You have all helped me very much. I am starting to feel really good about my choice to just walk away from the groups. I don't need the stress, and my kids need there mom. To answer a question... The drama isn't over two people, but there are definitely loss of friendships mixed in along the way. There was some major butting of heads over how some coops played out and were taught - think religious beliefs, which is always a touchy subject to begin with. This escalated into so much more and basically ripped the group into three pieces, with people like me left going 'huh?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 How old are your children? Ages 10 & 8 (and a baby, but I don't think he'd care much ;)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 *I* would probably pull out and make a regular get-together time with one or two families that you really enjoy and who aren't a part of the drama. We do not participate in a homeschool group, but between the neighbors and some friends who've committed to regular play times, my kids get plenty of downtime with friends. Cat This sounds like the ideal for me right now. Like I mentioned, we do have a couple good friends that we do see a few times per month. My kids also have a good friend across the street that, although busy now that school is back in session, they spend a good deal of time with. I just worry about my older who is a social butterfly and loves being around lots of kids. But she'll survive, of that I am certain ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 After many years and moves and trying different homeschool groups, I have decided they aren't worth our time. I have found that what works best for our family is actually getting involved in our community. That seems to find people we are much better suited for us then just the fact that we homeschool Getting involved in the community is a great idea. I also often overlook the fact that we don't have to have to have homeschooling in common with our friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 We pulled out of every group we were involved in about 3 years ago and have never looked back. For our family, it was what we needed. We've been able to come together as a family and enjoy learning things together that we're interested in learning. Every family and group is different. You just have to focus on what's best for you and your kiddos. Thank you so much. Focusing on my family is exactly what I need right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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