Kids who are too hard on themselves/perfectionists

[Trilliums]

Any advice on helping DS NOT be so hard on himself?

 

He gets so disappointed in himself if he gets anything wrong. In the past he would get upset when he did not immediately understand new materal, although this has improved lately. He is not resistant to working hard to learn new stuff. He does not shut down when things get tough, but he gets noticeably upset (at himself!).

 

He is in grade 9 and taking some classes at the public high school after homeschooling grade 1-8 in a very relaxed manner. His favorite class is Visual Basic programming. Not only is he eager to learn programming, but he appreciates how the grading criteria and lesson goals are clearly presented. No grey areas. When he gets any kind of open ended assignment he worries excessively about how to do it and then second guesses most of his decisions.

 

I think he already has very good study skills, but I was thinking of getting some books/materials on study skills as a way to reassure him that he is doing everything *right*. Then again, I worry he will just go over the top and do every single things suggested in any kind of study guide. He already wonders how some kids in his class can just sit ther during class and not take notes and/or participate in class discussions.

 

We talk through a lot of things and I try to be supportive and understanding. He is generally in pretty good spirits and jokes around about a lot of the experiences, but it really pulls at my heart strings to see him be so hard on himself.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

[Rosie_0801]

I wouldn't reassure him that he's doing everything right. I'd comment that he's doing a good job at learning to handle his perfectionism.

 

Rosie

[Year Round Mom]

DS is much younger than yours, only doing 3rd grade work, but he's very much a perfectionist and has a hard time seeing the big picture, which is why step-by-step, black-and-white works so well for him (he doesn't have to see the whole picture to "succeed"). In new situations, DS feels lost and that's why he gets frustrated. For example, he has a hard time with narrations. He understands what's happening when the story is read to him, but he can't articulate his thoughts because they're all jumbled together. The big picture overwhelms him.

 

I tell him in those times that it's a process, learning how to do narrations, or in your DS's case, learning how to learn in some of his classes. I ask my DS what he would think of his baby sister when she starts to walk. When she falls down, will she have failed? No, of course not! She's just learning. Does she stop learning how to walk and just get mad? No, she gets back up again with our help.

 

I explain the big picture: why we do narrations, what a narration is. Then I break it down into bite-size chunks so that the step-by-step process can be learned, hopefully to become automatic.

 

I'm in the middle of this myself, so I totally hear ya! I hope others with older kiddos will help us out, too!

[Arcadia]

Then again, I worry he will just go over the top and do every single things suggested in any kind of study guide. He already wonders how some kids in his class can just sit ther during class and not take notes and/or participate in class discussions.

 

I am a perfectionist and so are my boys (from birth). Study guides might just make your son obsessed with doing everything suggested.

 

What I found out the hard way growing up was that I couldn't cope with failure. It sets me back emotionally very badly. I am trying to find things that my kids can "fail" in so as to try to build their resilence to failure. After a few years of gym classes. they are getting better at being happy for accomplishing a task without needing to be perfect.

 

I was the kid who slept or doodle in programming class and still ace my assignments, projects and exams. I was in class because attendence is mandatory.

[Mommy22alyns]

:bigear:

 

I'm kind of a perfectionist and Rebecca is too. She's the one who's spelling far, far above her grade level, has barely missed 3 words all year so far, missed 3 words in one day, and declared herself to be "an awful speller." :001_huh:

[hsingscrapper]

:lurk5:

 

My 9yo ds is this way. He wants to please everyone and feels horrible if even one little thing is off.

[Karen in CO]

Pottery is a great art for kids that are crippled by imperfections. Both of my older kids have learned a lot about accepting the imperfect and not overworking an object by taking art classes. My ds loved woodworking which helped him to bring out the perfect in a piece of wood then stop, and my dd loved pottery with a wheel where she learned to see the beauty in an imperfect work and stop before she ruined it. Find him a good art class that works with a natural medium like wood, clay or glass. I think that type of work does wonders for perfectionist people. Both of them are still perfectionists, but they have learned to give themselves a lot more grace. It is now a good part of their personalities instead of something that slows them down or gets in their way (mostly).

[Trilliums]

Pottery is a great art for kids that are crippled by imperfections. Both of my older kids have learned a lot about accepting the imperfect and not overworking an object by taking art classes. My ds loved woodworking which helped him to bring out the perfect in a piece of wood then stop, and my dd loved pottery with a wheel where she learned to see the beauty in an imperfect work and stop before she ruined it. Find him a good art class that works with a natural medium like wood, clay or glass. I think that type of work does wonders for perfectionist people. Both of them are still perfectionists, but they have learned to give themselves a lot more grace. It is now a good part of their personalities instead of something that slows them down or gets in their way (mostly).

 

Thanks for this suggestion. Pottery is something we have talked about doing for a while. I have also wondered about theater where (I assume) interpretation and personal expression is valued.

 

 

I was the kid who slept or doodle in programming class and still ace my assignments, projects and exams. I was in class because attendence is mandatory.

 

I didn't mean the comment as a reflection of the other students' capabilities. It was to reflect how DS feels the need to always be giving 100%+ effort in any situation. We talked about this at length last night. He was describing how it is such an integral part of him it is hard to imagine not having this characteristic.

 

We also talked about the benefits of having high standards but recognizing when it was crippling and trying to come up with strategies to overcome that. We are still trying to come up with the strategies though. Lists are his current plan.

 

My older son (currently a 10th grader--they are close in age) has similar perfectionist qualities also but has dealt with it more stoically. He does offer good support to younger son though.

[SailorMom]

I was that kid.

I wish my parents had put me a LOT of situations in which I would NOT win, would fail, would mess up. I really do. If they hadn't kept me from failing, I wouldn't have been so terrified of it.

I guess it's like an inoculation :)