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Young Relationship: WWYD?


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Yeah. I'm a tall Mom and tall Moms have tall kids. My daughter looked about 18 when she was 12. Guys used to stare at her all the time and I'd give them the Mom glare back.

 

I just didn't think it would start this early with my son!

 

Sometimes short moms have tall sons, too.

 

I have one of those soon-to-be-a-chick-magnet 14 year olds, too. And my daughter, going on 18, has really come into her own in the last several months. So, I'm coping with two teens finding their paths through this stuff.

 

It's so hard to know what's "right," isn't it? In general, I agree that I'd rather be the mom who knows, instead of chugging along blissfully ignorant. With my daughter, I have that kind of relationship. She told me recently that one of the ways she decides how to behave when she's out and about is that she tries to imagine telling me what she did. If she can't bring herself to imagine that conversation, she doesn't do it.

 

On the other hand, it's only because of my daughter and a couple of my son's friends that I know about a flirtation he had with a girl at a local theatre. He has girls who are friends, too, and so it's hard to tell with him when the texting and chatting tip over from, "Mom, she's just a friend!" to something else. And he doesn't really communicate about it. Fortunately, he and my daughter do move in overlapping social circles, and I have good relationships with his closest buddies. So, I usually get the scoop, anyway.

 

My husband continued to be close with his mom well into our marriage (until she passed on far too early), although they were not close during his teen years. So, I have some hope that my son and I will eventually forge that kind of relationship. And, for the moment, I'm involved enough in my son's life that it would be tough for him to actually hide much of anything, even if he could convince his friends and his sister not to rat him out. I've worked really hard to be clear with him that maintaining our relationship is much more important to me than any one thing he does or doesn't do. We've explained that we can trust him only in proportion to what we perceive as his openess with us. We have to be able to trust that he will tell us the bad stuff if it happens, or we can't feel comfortable letting him out into the world.

 

It's early days yet, though. So, for now I'm just crossing my fingers and getting through each day.

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Jenny in Florida: Sometimes short moms have tall sons, too.

 

I have one of those soon-to-be-a-chick-magnet 14 year olds, too. And my daughter, going on 18, has really come into her own in the last several months. So, I'm coping with two teens finding their paths through this stuff.

 

It's so hard to know what's "right," isn't it? In general, I agree that I'd rather be the mom who knows, instead of chugging along blissfully ignorant.

 

 

Maybe ignorance IS bliss. It certainly was for my Mom, though it just happened because I had a sick sister. I'm wondering if maybe I missed it here somehow.

 

 

With my daughter, I have that kind of relationship. She told me recently that one of the ways she decides how to behave when she's out and about is that she tries to imagine telling me what she did. If she can't bring herself to imagine that conversation, she doesn't do it.

 

 

Oh, LORD, I hope my daughter hears my voice in her head that way. You did something right for this to even occur to her.

 

 

We've explained that we can trust him only in proportion to what we perceive as his openess with us. We have to be able to trust that he will tell us the bad stuff if it happens, or we can't feel comfortable letting him out into the world.

 

 

I've said this too, exactly.

 

It's early days yet, though. So, for now I'm just crossing my fingers and getting through each day.

 

 

 

Yeah, me too. It is so much harder than when they were little and you could control their schedules and contacts.

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Something that really worked for my sister and I, and that I am hoping to fabricate with my own children as they grow up, is to emphasize that dating is for folk who are ready to be married. If you aren't ready to be married, yes even in high school, then you are not ready to be dating.

 

There's more to it than that. But just because "everyone calls it dating" does not mean that is a good word to call it.

 

Since I knew I was not ready to be married, when I did things with friends, that's what I called it. Doing activities with friends. (even the guy who took me to senior prom was not a date. Though it was the closest I got since we did some of the traditional "date" things since it was the prom. But we were going as friends and that was quite clear to both of us).

 

When, as an adult, I DID meet the guy who I thought might be my husband (*laugh* after going out to see a movie as Just Friends)... then we did date and were very careful to keep everything in public and above board. But we were free to let our emotions go and grow closer together in the process.

 

There were a few "Is this the one" emotional trials before that fizzled before it even got that far. But when there aren't a lot of guys around and you desperately want to be married... it can be hard NOT to eye every guy you see who might be an option with those glasses! But I do not feel I missed out on anything but not dating in school and waiting to date until I was really testing each guy out as a potential spouse.

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Well, I am. I guess I don't think a "failed relationship" is the end of the world at 13. You would be surprised how much damage a romantic relationship can inflict, even at 13. It depends on how deep it gets.

We've talked about it. I've explained the dangers. Most of us made it through young relationships that didn't work out, as I did.

 

I can't "disallow" the relationship.

 

I am not actually suggesting you disallow it either, but you are the parent so you have the right and the responsibility to step in and stop interaction should you deem it important enough to do. A better route would be to explain to your son the reasons why you feel this relationship should not continue. You could tell him you are sorry for making the mistake of allowing him to already develop feelings (even if they are minor) by allowing him to go on this date. You love him and know he is not ready for marriage. You would tell him the truth. Why he should not be in this relationship and why you care enough to protect him.

 

It is already there; they already like each other. All I can do is block contact, and based upon some experiences I had with my oldest, I'm not convinced this is the way to go.

.

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Something that really worked for my sister and I, and that I am hoping to fabricate with my own children as they grow up, is to emphasize that dating is for folk who are ready to be married. If you aren't ready to be married, yes even in high school, then you are not ready to be dating.

 

There's more to it than that. But just because "everyone calls it dating" does not mean that is a good word to call it.

 

Since I knew I was not ready to be married, when I did things with friends, that's what I called it. Doing activities with friends. (even the guy who took me to senior prom was not a date. Though it was the closest I got since we did some of the traditional "date" things since it was the prom. But we were going as friends and that was quite clear to both of us).

 

When, as an adult, I DID meet the guy who I thought might be my husband (*laugh* after going out to see a movie as Just Friends)... then we did date and were very careful to keep everything in public and above board. But we were free to let our emotions go and grow closer together in the process.

 

There were a few "Is this the one" emotional trials before that fizzled before it even got that far. But when there aren't a lot of guys around and you desperately want to be married... it can be hard NOT to eye every guy you see who might be an option with those glasses! But I do not feel I missed out on anything but not dating in school and waiting to date until I was really testing each guy out as a potential spouse.

 

This is exactly what I mean. Teach this to your son.

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