Jump to content

Menu

Young Relationship: WWYD?


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 104
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Honestly, I have no use for people who think their kids are some sort of clean slate that other people's kids are out to soil. Such people are living in the clouds and nothing will ever be their child's fault. I'd go look for some friends who admit their kids are imperfect and take appropriate responsibility.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I have no use for people who think their kids are some sort of clean slate that other people's kids are out to soil. Such people are living in the clouds and nothing will ever be their child's fault. I'd go look for some friends who admit their kids are imperfect and take appropriate responsibility.

 

:iagree: This. I have had this happen a few times and even removed my kids from a coop where this thinking seemed prevalent. My kids are independent thinkers and seem to worry other parents whose own children are not always as upright as the parents pretend. I don't really get this thinking, but I avoid it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have a child that age yet, but... I don't see that you or your son are doing anything wrong. As much as it gives us gray hair, LOL, what you describe is completely normal behavior for young teens. Parents like your friend may be in for a very rude awakening someday when they find out that their special snowflake is not as innocent as they believe. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I have no use for people who think their kids are some sort of clean slate that other people's kids are out to soil. Such people are living in the clouds and nothing will ever be their child's fault. I'd go look for some friends who admit their kids are imperfect and take appropriate responsibility.

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I have no use for people who think their kids are some sort of clean slate that other people's kids are out to soil. Such people are living in the clouds and nothing will ever be their child's fault. I'd go look for some friends who admit their kids are imperfect and take appropriate responsibility.

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you are on top of things and it sounds like you've raised your son to be responsible. I wouldn't bother defending my position to someone like that. Simply tell her up front that if she doesn't approve of the way you are handling your teenage son that is her prerogative and you understand her needing to adjust her\her son's interactions with you\your son in order to stay within her comfort zone. If she starts telling you how to handle things or tell you that you are making a mistake tell her you are confident that you are handling things in alignment with your families beliefs and morals. Period. Pass the bean dip.

 

Oh, and by the way...first kiss on the ice...that is adorable.:D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I have no use for people who think their kids are some sort of clean slate that other people's kids are out to soil. Such people are living in the clouds and nothing will ever be their child's fault. I'd go look for some friends who admit their kids are imperfect and take appropriate responsibility.

 

Yeah, especially if the soiling is something so human as a little kiss given to someone else.

 

Rosie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have a child that age yet, but... I don't see that you or your son are doing anything wrong. As much as it gives us gray hair, LOL, what you describe is completely normal behavior for young teens. Parents like your friend may be in for a very rude awakening someday when they find out that their special snowflake is not as innocent as they believe. :grouphug:

 

I'm tired of losing friends over this. This one Mom whose son went the other night, had a big problem with an older sibling who went way over the line at a very early age. I do understand her inclinations to rein him in hard. But ...he is a good kid who just wants to get to know girls, like my son does.

 

How are they supposed to do this in their teens? Sure, I'd love to have that kid who is laser-beam focused on only schoolwork...but is that healthy? (My kid is a straight A student, by the way, and also in advanced maths and sciences. This girl is even farther ahead in math! She must spend some time on schoolwork!)

 

Gee...my parents just never had a clue what I was doing, but then we didn't have the technology. My Mom just trusted us. We did some stupid things but then reined ourselves in...isn't that our goal as parents?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SunnyDays: I don't have a child that age yet, but... I don't see that you or your son are doing anything wrong. As much as it gives us gray hair,

 

That happened at least a decade ago! ;) Old Mom here.

 

 

LOL, what you describe is completely normal behavior for young teens. Parents like your friend may be in for a very rude awakening someday when they find out that their special snowflake is not as innocent as they believe.

 

Yes, isn't it normal? They have big Skype calls with groups of boys and girls too. None of it has been out of bounds, but this friend thinks she is not going to allow this because girls may be chasing the boys. I asked my son casually how he met the girl. She was with friends, and some were guys. One of the guys let my son know that she thought he was cute. He later looked for an opportunity to talk to her and did it.

 

Isn't this what we did? I realize it's been 40 years since I was that age, but this is what I remember - friends let us know someone liked us!! Someone fill me in!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Meh, they're over-rated. Stick with us; we're less judgmental and more compassionate.:D

 

I know, but it's lonely not to have much IRL interaction. I've had close friends with whom I've done everything and I've been more or less on my own. Close friends are better. But then something happens, and of course, it is all YOUR fault or your kid's fault. I had one Mom blame my kid when her kid (older and taller) intentionally hurt mine and I had to take mine home, bleeding. She said it was my kid's fault).

 

Not that I think this Mom friend won't continue to be my friend. We both got over that sort of thing already, realizing that everyone has stuff to deal with. But I think she might minimize time with my son because he has this girl, and then mine won't get to do as much stuff, since I want a friend with him. He does have other friends but this is one of his best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only parents who should have a say in this or an unsolicited opinion on this should be you and the parents of the girl. I would, however, not require other parents to provide a "wingman" for your son's dates they are not group dating.

 

Oh, I'm not requiring it. I just felt more comfortable this time, and honestly, I think they do too. They've only seen each other a few times.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you need to decide what you are comfortable with. My boys won't be permitted to have girlfriends at that age, but that's my standard/opinion. Your standard has to be what you choose.

 

I said exactly the same thing last year. This is why I'm talking this out here.

 

See, the thing is that all the boys and girls CALL each other boyfriend/girlfriend just because they like each other. They don't actually see each other much in this day of technology. Someone can be your "girlfriend" after you have talked to her a few times, in their world. I know, it's odd to us.

 

Even almost everyone at the somewhat strict Christian co-op has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". They just don't tell their parents if their parents don't allow it. Not saying your son will do this -maybe he won't.

 

But it happens constantly, especially among the more restricted kids. They just Facebook and delete chats immediately or skype or email through the ipod. Their parents are blissfully innocent.

 

My son is a big talker at home, so I'm just sharing what I know from his sports, co-ops, and church connections, just fyi. He has friends in Bible Bowls and kept busy and very restricted by their parents, but they still have a secret life (not bad, but just private and not shared with parents). I just don't want to be that parent out of the loop now. I'd rather be in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What would I do... nothing different!

 

They are 13/15 - by the time you FIGURE OUT what you are going to do, the "relationship" could be over.

 

Or - it won't and you will get to know her and find she is a sweet girl who makes your son happy.

 

Or -- that won't be the case - but then I'd just cross that bridge when it happens!

 

I will say though - keep doing whatever it is you ARE doing b/c clearly it is working if you have such good communication with your son! Kind of ironic, isn't it, that the other mom could actually use some advice from YOU!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What would I do... nothing different!

 

They are 13/15 - by the time you FIGURE OUT what you are going to do, the "relationship" could be over.

 

Or - it won't and you will get to know her and find she is a sweet girl who makes your son happy.

 

Or -- that won't be the case - but then I'd just cross that bridge when it happens!

 

I will say though - keep doing whatever it is you ARE doing b/c clearly it is working if you have such good communication with your son! Kind of ironic, isn't it, that the other mom could actually use some advice from YOU!

 

Well, thanks! I don't know. I screwed up a lot with my very strong-willed daughter, and I don't want to make the same mistakes again! My friend is about 12 years younger than me, but has an adult child, so is sort of ahead of me in the parenting thing (Told you I am old!). We all learn. Wish they came with manuals.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I said exactly the same thing last year. This is why I'm talking this out here.

 

See, the thing is that all the boys and girls CALL each other boyfriend/girlfriend just because they like each other. They don't actually see each other much in this day of technology. Someone can be your "girlfriend" after you have talked to her a few times, in their world. I know, it's odd to us.

 

Even almost everyone at the somewhat strict Christian co-op has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". They just don't tell their parents if their parents don't allow it. Not saying your son will do this -maybe he won't.

 

But it happens constantly, especially among the more restricted kids. They just Facebook and delete chats immediately or skype or email through the ipod. Their parents are blissfully innocent.

 

My son is a big talker at home, so I'm just sharing what I know from his sports, co-ops, and church connections, just fyi. He has friends in Bible Bowls and kept busy and very restricted by their parents, but they still have a secret life (not bad, but just private and not shared with parents). I just don't want to be that parent out of the loop now. I'd rather be in.

 

This! :iagree: And of course with all the rest too - but this particular bit especially.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are not there with our younger ones, but they aren't in groups like that and they don't Skype or chat with any girls.

 

Our oldest had his first romantic pursuit when he was 18, I think. She was a girl he knew from the house church we attended. He got to know her at church but never dated her. He had a few dates with a young lady during his freshman year at college. We really liked her. She used to come by to visit me. He has since dated two for long periods of time, and he's 22.

 

I said exactly the same thing last year. This is why I'm talking this out here.

 

See, the thing is that all the boys and girls CALL each other boyfriend/girlfriend just because they like each other. They don't actually see each other much in this day of technology. Someone can be your "girlfriend" after you have talked to her a few times, in their world. I know, it's odd to us.

 

Even almost everyone at the somewhat strict Christian co-op has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". They just don't tell their parents if their parents don't allow it. Not saying your son will do this -maybe he won't.

 

But it happens constantly, especially among the more restricted kids. They just Facebook and delete chats immediately or skype or email through the ipod. Their parents are blissfully innocent.

 

My son is a big talker at home, so I'm just sharing what I know from his sports, co-ops, and church connections, just fyi. He has friends in Bible Bowls and kept busy and very restricted by their parents, but they still have a secret life (not bad, but just private and not shared with parents). I just don't want to be that parent out of the loop now. I'd rather be in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... I don't see that you or your son are doing anything wrong. As much as it gives us gray hair, LOL, what you describe is completely normal behavior for young teens. Parents like your friend may be in for a very rude awakening someday when they find out that their special snowflake is not as innocent as they believe. :grouphug:

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I said exactly the same thing last year. This is why I'm talking this out here.

 

See, the thing is that all the boys and girls CALL each other boyfriend/girlfriend just because they like each other. They don't actually see each other much in this day of technology. Someone can be your "girlfriend" after you have talked to her a few times, in their world. I know, it's odd to us.

 

Even almost everyone at the somewhat strict Christian co-op has a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". They just don't tell their parents if their parents don't allow it. Not saying your son will do this -maybe he won't.

 

But it happens constantly, especially among the more restricted kids. They just Facebook and delete chats immediately or skype or email through the ipod. Their parents are blissfully innocent.

 

My son is a big talker at home, so I'm just sharing what I know from his sports, co-ops, and church connections, just fyi. He has friends in Bible Bowls and kept busy and very restricted by their parents, but they still have a secret life (not bad, but just private and not shared with parents). I just don't want to be that parent out of the loop now. I'd rather be in.

 

I agree. I've also been the mom that didn't want young dating. My oldest didn't date until he was 17. My 15dd is seeing a boy 2 years older and his parents say no dating for them. Well, call it what you want but the two are an item. Just because people don't call it dating doesn't mean it isn't.

 

My requirement is not to be alone, but to be in a group and they have had no problems finding friends to tag along.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

does the 15 yo girl "know" he is *only* 13.5? that would squick many 15 yo girls out. no matter how "youngish" she seems, she deserves to know. If he looks much older, she may think he's older than her, and *that* is what makes him appealing.

 

I think the "in a relationship" status on facebook is absurd and should be scrapped. that's just inviting trouble - even if nothing "inappropriate" happens, it's an invitation for teenage social drama.:svengo:

 

I think the other mom is absurd, but if she wants to cut off contact with everyone who doesn't share her exact views, well - this is a free country and she has that right. However, she will have a very limited pool of people to be friends with - her loss, but I doubt other's will feel the loss of her friendship. My grandmother's actions and comments led me to believe she thought WASP an overly broad definition. her social pool contracted as the years passed, and it didn't make her any happier.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would rather be the parent who knows when her child's first kiss was than the one who is certain her child "would never" do all the things he's doing behind her back. :glare:

 

 

I did want to add that I would probably be uncomfortable if I thought my child was being the "chaperone" for a couple. I understand your intent is that they do things with friends. But my own experience at that age was that the friend got reeled into going along to pacify the parents and then ditched or asked to look the other way (sometimes literally). As has been mentioned, even in a large group, the kids who are going to pair off will pair off.

 

Good or bad, not sure, but my mother met my father when she was 14. We have an aunt who met her future spouse at about the same age. More recently, my nephew was @14 when he met his future wife. They have 2 children now and I think he is turning 21 or 22 this year. So be careful, sometime trains are slow freight and some are express. ;)

Edited by MomatHWTK
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, both kids have never held hands before now and have never kissed at all, not even each other. They are waiting until he can "officially" date her. My dd was the one to make this decision and he went along with it.

 

Now, dd's best friend is wonderful, but her parents are very strict. No dating for her until 18 they say. She plans on dating and just not telling them.

 

It's so important to have close relationships and not just restrictions, otherwise parents really set themselves up for dishonesty.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you need to try to be objective and understanding. If they don't want their son in date-like situations, they are in good company, even though saying so might make you feel judged. Maybe she should not have said anything and should have just made excuses every time her son was invited along, but it sounds like she was just being honest.

 

It is a tricky age and I know it is hard not to take these things personally, but perhaps she sees that her son is a bit of a ladies man, or suspects it. Either way, she is just trying to do what seems right to her, which might be different from what seems right to you.

 

I have a very mature looking, handsome 14 1/2 year old boy who appears to be a chick magnet, and I am in the midst of trying to figure out how best to navigate all these issues. I am confused about what to allow and what to limit, so I am right on there with you - and her. I would not take offense. Or I would try not to. It is hard not to when it is your child!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you can reign things in.

 

If they aren't ready to have a genuine relationship, then they shouldn't date.

 

Otherwise, to US, it seems parents are saying to their kids that they must restrict themselves to shallow relationships. Because you (general you) don't mind if they have relationships as long as they don't care too much.

 

Should they start to care too much and thus be more serious, how do you expect to reign in those emotions? To me, that's just very confusing and frustrating from the start.

 

ymmv

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would rather be the parent who knows when her child's first kiss was than the one who is certain her child "would never" do all the things he's doing behind her back. :glare:

 

It's so important to have close relationships and not just restrictions, otherwise parents really set themselves up for dishonesty.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also think there is middle ground between seeing their first kiss (ick!! Lol) and not knowing wth is going on with their kid.

 

The age doesn't bother near as much as attitude about relationships. How they approach relationships and whether we have a home environment of communication is paramount in how I'd handle it regardless of their age or the girl.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are not there with our younger ones, but they aren't in groups like that and they don't Skype or chat with any girls.

 

Our oldest had his first romantic pursuit when he was 18, I think. She was a girl he knew from the house church we attended. He got to know her at church but never dated her. He had a few dates with a young lady during his freshman year at college. We really liked her. She used to come by to visit me. He has since dated two for long periods of time, and he's 22.

 

Well, I was hoping that it would work out like that and maybe it still will. At this age, relationships seem to come and go.

 

Your sons don't play Minecraft online with their friends? That's how some of my son's friends "met" girls". They play this game together and some of them are girls. It's all been perfectly fine so far...and yes, I pay attention. Just silly stuff.

Edited by TranquilMind
Link to comment
Share on other sites

gardenmom5: does the 15 yo girl "know" he is *only* 13.5? that would squick many 15 yo girls out. no matter how "youngish" she seems, she deserves to know. If he looks much older, she may think he's older than her, and *that* is what makes him appealing.

 

 

Yes, I asked that immediately and he said yes. He's been honest otherwise, so I'm pretty sure she knows. He has mentioned his age and his friend's ages on FB. You know, stuff like, "This is the kind of stuff that 13 year old boys find hilarious."

 

[FYI I'm married to a much younger man and so are many people we know. This is not odd in our world, so he wouldn't have grown up with the older-man/younger woman prejudice]

 

I think the "in a relationship" status on facebook is absurd and should be scrapped. that's just inviting trouble - even if nothing "inappropriate" happens, it's an invitation for teenage social drama.:svengo:

 

 

I understand and I'm thinking this through. If the relationship is public, then it is public fodder when it ends. My daughter always said she specifically would NOT want this on FB. I'm such a privacy nut that I didn't even identify my husband for a long time. I don't want to be linked for FB marketing purposes, but I guess it isn't hard to figure out.

 

But, in my day, it would not have been on an online message board, but it would have still been out there in our social world that X and Y were a couple. Then when it ended, everyone knew. Not sure how much this is different, except that it is online. Trying to honestly think this through and determine how to handle it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Martha; I also think there is middle ground between seeing their first kiss (ick!! Lol) and not knowing wth is going on with their kid.

 

Just to clarify...I didn't see it. That would have been weird!

 

The age doesn't bother near as much as attitude about relationships. How they approach relationships and whether we have a home environment of communication is paramount in how I'd handle it regardless of their age or the girl.

 

 

Yeah, well I'm sure you are much more experienced than me. Not sure how I go about finding out how she approaches relationships, other than what I see online and read. I guess if they see each other more, I would meet the Mom or Dad (divorced - so I hope this isn't a "looking for love" kind of thing)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, both kids have never held hands before now and have never kissed at all, not even each other. They are waiting until he can "officially" date her. My dd was the one to make this decision and he went along with it.

 

Now, dd's best friend is wonderful, but her parents are very strict. No dating for her until 18 they say. She plans on dating and just not telling them.

 

It's so important to have close relationships and not just restrictions, otherwise parents really set themselves up for dishonesty.

 

I always sense this sort of tension in these conversations. It's almost like peoria are saying parents shouldn't have any restrictions because kids aren't going to follow them anyway. We have restrictions on all sorts of things. Sure, our kids may defy them. We have restrictions against drugs, alcohol (underage), needing to have girlfriends when they are in our opinion too young to be acting on their hormones, Internet porn and other inappropriate images, etc. We were very close to our eldest, and he and more than ten of his friends did not date in their young teens.

 

It's perfectly okay for anyone on this board to sanction young teen dating. We all have different viewpoints regarding this sort of thing. I was a young teen once. I started dating at 14. No guy I knew then or for years after that dated because they wanted to give themselves in a mutually beneficial relationship. Most of the girls I knew then wanted something personal and real. The guys, truthfully, were acting on hormones, not because the girls were really special.

 

I want my guys to have some more maturity before getting physically close to girls. They may choose to defy it, and that will be their choice. My friends and I were all allowed to date young. Three of my friends had abortions prior to 18. And, we were the good kids. My girlfriends and i wanted a special relationship while unfortunately the boys were just looking for girls to use their hormones on. I just don't think it's a simple let them date, and they will behave, don't let them date and they'll sneak.

 

There's not a formula. We all parent the way we see best and try to have great relationships with our kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wish they came with manuals.

 

I always say even if they did make a manual - how would you know it was the right manual for the model you got? :001_smile:

 

It really sounds like you have a reasonable hold on the situation. You can't stop your son from feeling what he is feeling - your choices are to allow him (within limits) to explore those feelings and be a safe place to talk about it - OR to "forbid" him from having those types of feelings... he can't change how he feels, so he may not ACT on it, but he will still feel it, and won't feel safe talking to you about it.

 

A lot of positive can be gained from dating (even the wrong person) as long as there are age-appropriate limits!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

MomatHWTK: I would rather be the parent who knows when her child's first kiss was than the one who is certain her child "would never" do all the things he's doing behind her back. :glare:

 

 

Yes! I know when both of my kids had their first kisses. My daughter was at a summer college class at age 14 (yes, I know! 14!). She came back and told me about it. Romantic setting...no sparks, she said.

 

I did want to add that I would probably be uncomfortable if I thought my child was being the "chaperone" for a couple. I understand your intent is that they do things with friends. But my own experience at that age was that the friend got reeled into going along to pacify the parents and then ditched or asked to look the other way (sometimes literally). As has been mentioned, even in a large group, the kids who are going to pair off will pair off.

 

 

Yeah, I get this. It was all upfront with the other parents, that I was hoping our son and theirs could go together because my son had a girl there he wanted to see and I didn't want him going alone. It wasn't a surprise or anything. She was ok with it. Yes, my intent was to be in a group setting. I don't mind if my kid does this in a public place at which we are very comfortable (like the rink). I know he will eventually tell me everything.:tongue_smilie:

 

Good or bad, not sure, but my mother met my father when she was 14. We have an aunt who met her future spouse at about the same age. More recently, my nephew was @14 when he met his future wife. They have 2 children now and I think he is turning 21 or 22 this year. So be careful, sometime trains are slow freight and some are express. ;)

 

Ack! I could have lived the rest of my life without reading this! :001_huh::tongue_smilie:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now, dd's best friend is wonderful, but her parents are very strict. No dating for her until 18 they say. She plans on dating and just not telling them.

 

It's so important to have close relationships and not just restrictions, otherwise parents really set themselves up for dishonesty.

 

 

This line is SO hard to find. I have a Mom friend who found this out the hard way. And I had a few bad experiences myself with my oldest, who hid some things. I think everyone is hardest on the oldest kid! The youngest get to do more, since the parents saw where they went overboard on the oldest!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Danestress: I think you need to try to be objective and understanding. If they don't want their son in date-like situations, they are in good company, even though saying so might make you feel judged. Maybe she should not have said anything and should have just made excuses every time her son was invited along, but it sounds like she was just being honest.

 

 

I know, and I do understand and appreciate that. It's just the ...irony of the situation. I just don't want to be that parent who has no clue. I'd rather be aboveboard with it, with fair restrictions, given the temperament and honesty level of the given child.

 

It is a tricky age and I know it is hard not to take these things personally, but perhaps she sees that her son is a bit of a ladies man, or suspects it. Either way, she is just trying to do what seems right to her, which might be different from what seems right to you.

 

 

I know. You are right. And I do think she sees it. We've joked for years that he will be a salesman or a politician, he's just so...socially adept. He's kind a legend with his friends for how easily he can approach and talk to girls (he has all sisters).

 

I have a very mature looking, handsome 14 1/2 year old boy who appears to be a chick magnet, and I am in the midst of trying to figure out how best to navigate all these issues. I am confused about what to allow and what to limit, so I am right on there with you - and her. I would not take offense. Or I would try not to. It is hard not to when it is your child!

 

 

Tough, isn't it! I know. I am totally not offended. Just trying to think how I can handle it now that she thinks it is a bad idea, when I don't want to go overboard and call a complete halt to all communication when he has done nothing wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I was hoping that it would work out like that and maybe it still will. At this age, relationships seem to come and go.

 

Your sons don't play Minecraft online with their friends? That's how some of my son's friends "met" girls". They play this game together and some of them are girls. It's all been perfectly fine so far...and yes, I pay attention. Just silly stuff.

 

Oh, they do. They also Skype, because I can hear it. It's just that they've only Skyped boys. Again, Nathan is only almost 13.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It really gets one to thinking about the disadvantages of being a very attractive, mature-looking teen. We went through this with my oldest. For BOTH sexes now, it brings them a lot of unsought attention that most parents would rather avoid.

 

Yeah. I'm a tall Mom and tall Moms have tall kids. My daughter looked about 18 when she was 12. Guys used to stare at her all the time and I'd give them the Mom glare back.

 

I just didn't think it would start this early with my son!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Yeah, well I'm sure you are much more experienced than me. Not sure how I go about finding out how she approaches relationships, other than what I see online and read. I guess if they see each other more, I would meet the Mom or Dad (divorced - so I hope this isn't a "looking for love" kind of thing)

 

No. Not they as in the boy and his girl, they as in my many sons.:)

 

How does your son approach relationships with girls? What does he think the point of dating is? What kind of girl does he want to date? What does he think will be his reaction to falling in love? And is he wanting to start down a path where that is likely?

 

These questions determine the girl he will be attracted to and whether he is ready to date. It will also get him thinking about what kind of guy he wants to be. Is he a guy that he would think ready for a relationship? Or are we just playing? Because playing with emotions and relationships rarely ends without heartbreak.

 

Ack! I could have lived the rest of my life without reading this! :001_huh::tongue_smilie:

 

I met my dh at 16. We were engaged within a few weeks and married at 19.

 

My parents were rather cavalier about it.

 

His parents were completely spazzing and freaking and trying to futilly reign in speeding train.:lol:

 

Thing is, whether YOU think it is right, appropriate, real, good, or whatever doesn't matter at that point.

 

If they think they are in love, then they will ACT as though they are in love. And telling them it isn't so wont do anything but hurt everyone involved.

 

So, I'd sit son down and say its time to talk about what love is and how we act in relationships to reflect it.. Is he read to treat a girl that way? And if not, and if every decent girl deserves that, then why is he claiming a relationship with her?

 

Yes, it's all very serious. Not to purposely put a damper on things. Nifty side effect, but there it is.

 

Also, I think it is EXTREMELY hard for parents to introduce this kind of thinking after the fact. We started these talks when our kids are about 12/13. Lots and lots of talking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

nestof3: I always sense this sort of tension in these conversations. It's almost like peoria are saying parents shouldn't have any restrictions because kids aren't going to follow them anyway. We have restrictions on all sorts of things. Sure, our kids may defy them. We have restrictions against drugs, alcohol (underage), needing to have girlfriends when they are in our opinion too young to be acting on their hormones, Internet porn and other inappropriate images, etc.

 

By the way, I have been unflinchingly strict on all these topics you mention, and perhaps even more. My son has many goals, and is a serious athlete, which takes a lot of time in itself. This is all about what contact my son can have with girls - what is appropriate for him, given his nature and trustworthiness so far. I just can't go so far as to prohibit him, wisely...I think. :confused: I dunno...that's why I am talking to you all! I want to hear these various opinions!

 

 

We were very close to our eldest, and he and more than ten of his friends did not date in their young teens.

 

And neither did my daughter. My son is totally different than my daughter, though they are both really academic-minded. He told me he would marry early and have at least 6 kids when he was really young, but that he would never do anything inappropriate and only wanted to really fall in love once.

 

On second thought....maybe I shouldn't let him talk to girls!;)

 

It's perfectly okay for anyone on this board to sanction young teen dating. We all have different viewpoints regarding this sort of thing. I was a young teen once. I started dating at 14. No guy I knew then or for years after that dated because they wanted to give themselves in a mutually beneficial relationship. Most of the girls I knew then wanted something personal and real. The guys, truthfully, were acting on hormones, not because the girls were really special.

 

See, I had a totally different experience. My first boyfriend was in junior high, when we were twelve. He was wonderful, and a real inspiration. Top of the class, funny, smart and cute. I still remember him saying to me, "No, I'm not going to do your Algebra for you; you will never learn to do it yourself and you have to learn this!".

 

I eventually broke it off with him, because I was stupid and my "cooler" friends didn't really approve of him (can we say shallow? My kid today is a much better person than I was). One of the very few regrets of my life - how I hurt him. This relationship was truly mutually beneficial and he never did a single, inappropriate thing. I can't say that about the guys I dated in my late teens, by any means.

 

I want my guys to have some more maturity before getting physically close to girls. They may choose to defy it, and that will be their choice.

 

Yeah, I understand. More maturity means more hormones though.

 

My friends and I were all allowed to date young. Three of my friends had abortions prior to 18. And, we were the good kids. My girlfriends and i wanted a special relationship while unfortunately the boys were just looking for girls to use their hormones on.

 

This is true and I had the same experiences, back when abortions had just become legal! I was one of the only ones of our group who didn't get pregnant. But all of my more charged relationships were in my late teens, not my early ones.

 

I just don't think it's a simple let them date, and they will behave, don't let them date and they'll sneak.

 

There's not a formula. We all parent the way we see best and try to have great relationships with our kids.

 

You are right. It isn't simple. That's why I'm talking to all of you! Also, I just need to pray and find the right answer for this kid now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...