I shouldn't compare my two kids. Help me!

[jar7709]

Both my kids are happy and healthy. They each have their own "issues" but nothing I don't think we can't handle. DS learned to read, magically, at about age 5.5 where he could suddenly read at a very high level. I realize this is not typical, even though it is not out of the ordinary for our family.

 

DD turns 6 tomorrow and she is different. While she is learning to read at a slow, steady pace and she can read simple books with a lot of help, she has no signs that she'll suddenly pick it up like her brother did in the near future. She is willing and wants to read and loves books, but the skill itself feels like it is coming so slowly.

 

I know intellectually that all children are different, and that she is not behind her age peers, that I shouldn't push too hard, and that her slow, steady improvement makes us lucky and with more than many parents have. But, in practice, I find myself impatient and wishing she'd just learn it already so we can move on to more interesting things. I feel a little mom-guilt over this.

 

Please tell me I'm not alone here! If you've been in a similar situation, how do you keep that perspective you need "in the moment"?

[momto3innc]

Well, I had the same but in opposite order. My oldest (dyslexic) was slow but steady. Really, he is such a hard worker and really wanted to learn to read--otherwise I think we would have had a much harder time. But it has been a slow arduous process to get to where we are now--he now reads very very well (let's not talk about spelling!!:001_smile:). My second son...he was easy as can be. We just worked on it...and he got it...and then he got it quickly. For me, this has been easier because I did the hard work first...I think it would be harder in your case since the "easier" child was first.

 

I think for me, I just do my best to celebrate their strengths. My oldest son, while he is dyslexic and can drive me a little crazy sometimes with how he learns, is incredibly smart. He just learns differently. He is sweet, hard working, and I think he has learned so much (character wise) just by having to work hard for something he really wanted (being able to read history and science books). His hard work paid off and now he knows an insane amount of ancient and middle ages history because he is so excited that he CAN read all of these books he had been drooling over.

 

My son who learned rapidly and easily to read has completely different strengths. Praise be he wasn't the one who struggled to read because I think, given his personality, he would have just decided he did not care to learn to read:001_smile: and we would have had a very challenging time together.

 

So...I don't think I said anything too helpful, but that was my experience. I just try to meet them where they are, celebrate what they do well, and work at their level. Sometimes easier said than done.

[KungFuPanda]

1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I have an almost teen student who is accustomed to 'getting' things quickly. She's bright and talented, but her arrogance limits her. She seems completely disinterested in refining anything. She's happy enough that she got the concept 'first' and is surprised when the students who actually work pass her up. Work ethic MATTERS.

[fairfarmhand]

I have the identical situation.

 

Things I have learned.

 

My plodder may have struggled with school, but in the struggle, she learned things that my oldest never did. Things like how to keep trying when it is hard. How not to be a quitter or whiner. How to stay positive in the midst of a struggle.

 

My oldest never learned those things and when school gets hard has a really bad attitude. She struggles with things like trying and failing and trying a failing and trying until she gets success. She's not used to having to work at school and if the answer is not blatantly obvious, she thinks that it is impossible.

 

So as far as "getting" school, it was really easy at first with my oldest, but as she's gotten older and the material gets more complex, schooling her is much more difficult because she didn't develop the character to work hard at it.

[fairfarmhand]

1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. I have an almost teen student who is accustomed to 'getting' things quickly. She's bright and talented, but her arrogance limits her. She seems completely disinterested in refining anything. She's happy enough that she got the concept 'first' and is surprised when the students who actually work pass her up. Work ethic MATTERS.

this has been my experience too with my oldest. And I'm not bashing her. MY dh admits that he is STILL the same way. In fact, when it came tiime to take his professional engineering exam, he COULD not make himself study. He was quite annoyed with himself, but he just couldn't do it. He freely admits that this is a character trait that he wishes he could do.

[abbeyej]

Yep. My oldest (ds) read easily with very little instruction at a remarkably early age. In retrospect, my younger one (dd) learned to read pretty easily as well and at the lower end of "average" -- but given that she was a solid two years older than ds when she did so, it *seemed* like forever. I definitely thought, "What is WRONG with her?" on more than one occasion.

 

Now, I don't think there *is* anything wrong with her. She's just a different kid. One difference that I do wish I'd picked up on sooner -- she's just slightly far-sighted (and he may have been a little nearsighted even as a small kid, though it's hard to know when that began). If I were able to go back, I'd have had her eyes checked sooner than I did, and by a really thorough optometrist (not the sort that are just attached to a glasses store, 'cause often they're more rushed and don't do as complete a job with kids).

 

As for reading, once dd *did* begin reading well, she caught up with her brother skill-wise pretty quickly. I don't mean to suggest that the extra two years of reading he had weren't worthwhile -- he got a lot of joy from them -- but in terms of her ability to read and understand at a high level at age 8 or 10, it made no difference.

 

We face the same struggles in math. Ds picked things up much faster and easier than dd. She's probably the more "normal" one. ;) It can be very frustrating -- and yet, ironically, I think I'm more patient teaching dd than I ever was with ds... And there are many non-academic areas where dd far surpasses ds. Her understanding of figurative language far outstrips his. Her grasp of people is uncanny. She is "clever" in funny and disarming ways.

 

As they get older, the things they do are more and more different. I find that helps with avoiding comparison. And sometimes I just have to accept slightly different paths. Sometimes that involves kicking myself. ;)

[SKL]

I have a similar situation. I keep reminding myself of the strengths both children have. They tend to even out over time, in a way.

 

Think ahead 20 years from now. Both of your daughters will be able to read whatever they want to read. Then, what will be important? Work attitudes, ability to get along with others, ability to be strong in tough situations and to be accepting of one's own failings, among other things. The one who now has to work hard just to keep up with peers is getting great experience for those tough tests they will both take in the future.

 

In the near term, I just keep reminding myself to compare each child to "the norm" versus to each other. And for the most part, any comparing I do concerns the slower reader, because I do want to make sure she doesn't fall behind her grade. (On the other hand, I push the more academic kid when it comes to physical stuff, lest she fall behind her peers in those areas.)

[bettyandbob]

Yep. My oldest (ds) read easily with very little instruction at a remarkably early age. In retrospect, my younger one (dd) learned to read pretty easily as well and at the lower end of "average" -- but given that she was a solid two years older than ds when she did so, it *seemed* like forever. I definitely thought, "What is WRONG with her?" on more than one occasion.

 

Now, I don't think there *is* anything wrong with her. She's just a different kid. One difference that I do wish I'd picked up on sooner -- she's just slightly far-sighted (and he may have been a little nearsighted even as a small kid, though it's hard to know when that began). If I were able to go back, I'd have had her eyes checked sooner than I did, and by a really thorough optometrist (not the sort that are just attached to a glasses store, 'cause often they're more rushed and don't do as complete a job with kids).

 

As for reading, once dd *did* begin reading well, she caught up with her brother skill-wise pretty quickly. I don't mean to suggest that the extra two years of reading he had weren't worthwhile -- he got a lot of joy from them -- but in terms of her ability to read and understand at a high level at age 8 or 10, it made no difference.

 

We face the same struggles in math. Ds picked things up much faster and easier than dd. She's probably the more "normal" one. ;) It can be very frustrating -- and yet, ironically, I think I'm more patient teaching dd than I ever was with ds... And there are many non-academic areas where dd far surpasses ds. Her understanding of figurative language far outstrips his. Her grasp of people is uncanny. She is "clever" in funny and disarming ways.

 

As they get older, the things they do are more and more different. I find that helps with avoiding comparison. And sometimes I just have to accept slightly different paths. Sometimes that involves kicking myself. ;)

 

 

:iagree:

 

I think I have the same dc.

[Mallory]

My first two had more then 4 years difference in the ages I'd say they were a fluent reader. My first was a great reader before 5 years old.

 

My second not until 9 1/2.

 

They are 13 and 11 now and my 11yo always has a book. He is reading through the Eragon series now- have you seen how thick those books are?

 

I know he is a very strong right brained/visual learner. And I go back and forth all the time about getting him more serious help (agghh you don't even want to see his spelling or math facts) and being greatful that we homeschool and are able to let him grow into things in his own time instead of feeling like a failure because he couldn't read at 7 or 8 or 9.

 

That said- this is the kid who I send out to fix the leaky roof in the carport, or build a gate for the chicken coop, and is responsible for all of the batteries and replacing them. He learns great through puzzles and logic games. He is amazing at fractions and percents. He even has a good grasp of grammar and can draw diagrams well. Over all he is good at seeing how things fit together.

[FLDebbie]

Well, I had the same but in opposite order. My oldest (dyslexic) was slow but steady. Really, he is such a hard worker and really wanted to learn to read--otherwise I think we would have had a much harder time. But it has been a slow arduous process to get to where we are now--he now reads very very well (let's not talk about spelling!!:001_smile:). My second son...he was easy as can be. We just worked on it...and he got it...and then he got it quickly. For me, this has been easier because I did the hard work first...I think it would be harder in your case since the "easier" child was first.

 

I think for me, I just do my best to celebrate their strengths. My oldest son, while he is dyslexic and can drive me a little crazy sometimes with how he learns, is incredibly smart. He just learns differently. He is sweet, hard working, and I think he has learned so much (character wise) just by having to work hard for something he really wanted (being able to read history and science books). His hard work paid off and now he knows an insane amount of ancient and middle ages history because he is so excited that he CAN read all of these books he had been drooling over.

 

My son who learned rapidly and easily to read has completely different strengths. Praise be he wasn't the one who struggled to read because I think, given his personality, he would have just decided he did not care to learn to read:001_smile: and we would have had a very challenging time together.

 

So...I don't think I said anything too helpful, but that was my experience. I just try to meet them where they are, celebrate what they do well, and work at their level. Sometimes easier said than done.

 

:iagree: I swear I could have written this exact post, but I was out at liunch when it was posted, so I know I didn't. It's amazing having the easier one learning to read second. I was prepared for years of work, but he just got it. However, some things he works at, the other one just gets. I celebrate their strengths in each and work on the had parts.

[KungFuPanda]

I also want to point out that there is a BIG difference between showing someone and them getting it the first time and actually having to TEACH. It's sooooo nice to just say something once, in the way that makes sense to you, and just have them absorb the information. Anyone can do that. The skill in teaching comes from getting the child to understand even if you have to present the material more than once, in a variety of ways, AND over a period of time. Most people enjoy instant results and taking credit for a very bright child who can catch everything you throw at him. Not everyone actually enjoys teaching.

[jar7709]

Thanks all. Yes, I didn't even have to teach the first one reading. We just read to him all the time and let him watch Sesame Street. This teaching thing I'm learning with the second one, it is kind of hard! ;)

 

I really like the idea of a lavishly illustrated copy of Tortoise and the Hare. DS sometimes gets kind of smug about his easy grasp of topics compared to DD and I hate that, everyone ends up feeling bad...and yes he's the type to quit or take a shortcut if he doesn't get something immediately. Trying to nip that one in the bud!