BakersDozen Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 My 16yo wants to go in with her dad to work on Tuesdays so she can meet up with a friend and practice their Bible Quiz verses together. This girl is my social butterfly and would rather be with friends than family; she's been this way since she was old enough to know what friends are. Here are my issues with this: 1. Tuesdays and Fridays are our only "at home" days where we have nowhere to go and no one coming over. Tuesdays come after a busy Monday and a crazy busy Wednesday (when she sees this friend at Bible Quiz/youth group) followed by a busy Thursday and a "whew!" Friday. 2. No way is my dd getting all her schoolwork done with this friend around. No way. Dd suggested being allowed to do her work at night instead but that is our family night and I guard that jealously! 3. I do not encourage or welcome outside intrustions into our school day unless it is school related. Wednesday we are around friends all day for co-op and that is difficult enough! For my sanity and the sake of peace in the house, some days have to be set aside with nothing but focused school planned. So you all can guess who's the bad guy now that I've said 'no'. :glare: WWYD? Part of me feels bad because this dd is very responsible and I'm sure would do her best to get her work done. What bugs me is that the friend she wants to be with puts schooling as a very low priority in life; she takes more days off than anyone I know for all kinds of reasons and academics are not very important to her. I told my dd that academics/schooling are a priority for me and her response was, "For you, yes, but not for me." My rebuttal was that as long as she is in my house and my responsibility, then academics are a priority for everyone. sigh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I am with you. Focus on academics. If she doesn't think academics are a high priority I think it would be a good idea to stick to your priorities. Academics are a good priority when you are educating children. Anyway, Tuesday during the day is schooltime. She can see her friend some other time when it's not schooltime. PLUS if the friend doesn't have good goals or study habits, why would you cancel your schoolday for your DC to hang out with that friend? It seems pretty clear-cut to me. Don't feel guilty. Or, feel guilty but don't change your mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 My 16yo wants to go in with her dad to work on Tuesdays so she can meet up with a friend and practice their Bible Quiz verses together. This girl is my social butterfly and would rather be with friends than family; she's been this way since she was old enough to know what friends are. Here are my issues with this: 1. Tuesdays and Fridays are our only "at home" days where we have nowhere to go and no one coming over. Tuesdays come after a busy Monday and a crazy busy Wednesday (when she sees this friend at Bible Quiz/youth group) followed by a busy Thursday and a "whew!" Friday. 2. No way is my dd getting all her schoolwork done with this friend around. No way. Dd suggested being allowed to do her work at night instead but that is our family night and I guard that jealously! 3. I do not encourage or welcome outside intrustions into our school day unless it is school related. Wednesday we are around friends all day for co-op and that is difficult enough! For my sanity and the sake of peace in the house, some days have to be set aside with nothing but focused school planned. So you all can guess who's the bad guy now that I've said 'no'. :glare: WWYD? Part of me feels bad because this dd is very responsible and I'm sure would do her best to get her work done. What bugs me is that the friend she wants to be with puts schooling as a very low priority in life; she takes more days off than anyone I know for all kinds of reasons and academics are not very important to her. I told my dd that academics/schooling are a priority for me and her response was, "For you, yes, but not for me." My rebuttal was that as long as she is in my house and my responsibility, then academics are a priority for everyone. sigh I think you are being a little too rigid. This is a one time thing, right? So I'd let her get her work done when she is at home and be with her friend so long as she continues to be responsible. As a home schooler, I encouraged the friend thing as much as possible and rarely said no especially to occasional things. Oh ETA: EVERY Tuesday? I'd probably say maybe once a month. I misread it the first time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Can you try it once and see how it goes? I agree with the once a month idea rather than every week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) We usually are very academics first/rigorous coursework/school is my student's job -kind of people. However, when my DD works very hard all the time, I do on occasion permit her to take time off school during the week for one-time things. If this is a friend she sees rarely, I would be willing to relax and let her get together even if that means that not all school work gets done. I would just not make it a regular thing. I would base my decision on my student's general attitude and performance. I'd cut a diligent hardworking student more slack than a student whom I have to nag to do her work. ETA: Just reread your post and it sounds like you are talking about every Tuesday. In that case, I would do a one time trial run and see how much she gets accomplished. If it is significantly less than she should, I would comptromise at once a month, or once every two weeks. Edited September 16, 2012 by regentrude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lori D. Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) How about a compromise: not every Tuesday, but either every other Tuesday; or just one Tuesday a month. AND that you and DD go into this with the clear understanding that this is you letting your teen start stepping out and making some decisions for herself (but with the CLEAR understanding that this privilege goes away if the schoolwork doesn't get done) -- AND that this as an opportunity for 16yo DD to mature in responsibility, taking ownership of her own schoolwork, scheduling her own work, etc. -- skills that she will need soon for college! And to help with that attitude of acadmeics not being a priority -- age 16 is a good time to have DD start doing some career exploration; college searches (including figuring out costs); SAT/ACT test prep; searching for scholarships and seeing what they are looking for (usually good GPA and volunteer hours -- BOTH of which take the focus off of self (and teens are notoriously self-focused) and onto the future and others). In other words, these activities have her looking ahead to her future, which really does help a student see the need to make academics a priority. I suggest the TWO of you do this together, maybe once a month, so you can talk about what you are discovering in all of this. And -- it really can be fun! :) Back to the compromise idea... Some benefits for YOU: you look like the GOOD guy; you are helping DD develop adult skills; you have a little more of "you" to go around on those Tuesdays for the younger students; and it's practice for you in learning to make steps in "letting go". The truth is, the older our teens get, the less time they need/want to spend at home; BUT the other truth is, the more I work out good compromises (that we DO have 2 family nights a week) with our young adults, the more they really enjoy the family nights, rather than feeling like I'm always shutting them down and then they just "endure" the family night. Like you, I prefer NOT to be out and about a lot, and am most recharged by quiet time home alone with my family around me. But that is not what is always best for our young adults. Just a thought. :) BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D. Edited September 16, 2012 by Lori D. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegasus Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I agree with Lori D. With your DD being 16, its time to start letting her make some decisions for herself: If she spends this time with her friend, when will she get her schoolwork completed? Your rules still apply - the schoolwork MUST be done. However, WHEN it is done can be negotiated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in MA Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I agree with the others who said maybe once/month -- especially since she will see this girl every Wed anyway. Your part about the other girl's attitude towards school concerns me, and I would worry that if she spent too much time with this girl, that girl's attitude might rub off on your dd (sounds like you're worried about this, too). It's such a tough call and while you need to encourage her independence, you also (IMHO) need to guard her from people with unhealthy attitudes, especially in the teen years. My son was away for a week this summer at a camp with many teens who are not that interested in academics, and he felt very conflicted inside. By the end of the week (we talked via cell phone during the week), he was starting to think like them, and I was worried. Fortunately, after a week at home, he went to a church camp where he was able to pray/reflect, and fortunately, he came back more "centered" about this issue. I think this issue can be especially hard for hs'ed teens, because IMHO, there are not that many academically oriented hs'ers around, at least not where I live. It can be hard for the kids to find peers who are in the same boat as them at a time when peer interactions are becoming more important. Also, they don't necessarily have the maturity to have the long-term vision about their school work that you do. Best wishes finding a solution that works for your family. Brenda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooooom Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 I would be very careful about a 16yo who says she needs more social time. She does. And it is a reasonable age to start breaking away from family. If all her work is completed, it shouldn't matter when she does it. I speak from experience, I have 2 18yos and a 17yo, and they were miserable when they didn't get enough time with friends. It's normal at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 How about a compromise: just one Tuesday a month. AND that you and DD go into this with the clear understanding that this is you letting your teen start stepping out and making some decisions for herself (but with the CLEAR understanding that this privilege goes away if the schoolwork doesn't get done) -- AND that this as an opportunity for 16yo DD to mature in responsibility, taking ownership of her own schoolwork, scheduling her own work, etc. -- skills that she will need soon for college! My vote would be for the ONE Tuesday a month. Make it into an incentive for her -- build trust and make it a privilege. Great life skills for a job and college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 One Tuesday/month is what the plan is after reading your responses and discussing this with my dd. I think this will actually be a good thing in that it will give my dh a chance to have lunch with her before he drops her off to meet her friend. Thanks, ladies! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladykayaker Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 How about a compromise: not every Tuesday, but either every other Tuesday; or just one Tuesday a month. AND that you and DD go into this with the clear understanding that this is you letting your teen start stepping out and making some decisions for herself (but with the CLEAR understanding that this privilege goes away if the schoolwork doesn't get done) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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