entitlement in children

[Crimson Wife]

You're angry at her for something she said when she was 11?

Maybe there might be other issues going on? :grouphug:

 

I'm not angry, just thinking that she was indeed rude to her parents. And frankly a bit surprised to see how many folks defending her rudeness.

[Galatea]

I'm not angry, just thinking that she was indeed rude to her parents. And frankly a bit surprised to see how many folks defending her rudeness.

 

If a person, even a parent, repeatedly asks the same question because they don't like or don't believe the answer, is that rude?

[Crimson Wife]

I think donating the nicer art set because she wants to use it is just going to teach her that her parents are arbitrary, mean, and that she should be concerned about losing any of her favorite toys and supplies. Maybe my 5 year old has a short memory or something, but I absolutely guarantee you that it wouldn't prevent her from ever whining again about her possessions... totally strange that someone thinks that a 5 year old's brain works like that. It would just waste MY money. How does that teach a child the value of anything if I'm willing to throw away something quite nice that I say is special and I spent a lot of money on?

 

Donate it once as the result of whining and acting spoiled, and you won't have to do it ever again because the mere question, "Do you remember what happened to your art set when you whined? Do you want me to do that again?" will be enough to stop the bratty behavior.

[Crimson Wife]

In that situation that is basically telling a kid people can walk all over you and get rid of your stuff. And that's ok?

 

If it's in the parents' house and was bought with the parents' money, then it's the parents' stuff that they can do with what they wish. The child may be the one using the furniture, but ultimately it still belongs to the parents. Their house, their prerogative to replace it.

[Crimson Wife]

If a person, even a parent, repeatedly asks the same question because they don't like or don't believe the answer, is that rude?

 

Yes. It's a bit of kabuki theatre to accept a polite-but-vague answer recognizing that it actually means the recipient didn't care for the gift and dropping the subject. But so much of civility is this kind of kabuki theatre, KWIM?

[Galatea]

Yes. It's a bit of kabuki theatre to accept a polite-but-vague answer recognizing that it actually means the recipient didn't care for the gift and dropping the subject. But so much of civility is this kind of kabuki theatre, KWIM?

 

Given that, then her parents were rude to continue to ask. And if the parents were being rude to their own child, how can you really consider it to be rude if she answers honestly after constant pressure?

 

Also, I think civility means thinking about other people as much as we do ourselves. The civil thing for a parent to do would be to consider a child's feelings before making a decision that directly affects them, not after.

[justLisa]

If it's in the parents' house and was bought with the parents' money, then it's the parents' stuff that they can do with what they wish. The child may be the one using the furniture, but ultimately it still belongs to the parents. Their house, their prerogative to replace it.

 

 

Ok there is no other way to say this than with snark but I am definitely glad my mother was not like you and had one shred of respect for my belongings.

 

This is the biggest "whatever" and eye rolling comment I have EVER heard and I am so not joking.

[jessicalb]

Having not read any of the thread except the OP...

 

She doesn't sound entitled. She sounds normal.

 

So she's bored with your back yard, who cares? Let her be bored. Offer a choice of a lack of complaining or some chores and she'll find herself something to do.

 

She knows the nicer art supplies are better and wants to use them - that makes sense. I don't want to use the crappy stuff I keep around for when we have littles over here when I do art. I get out the good stuff because it feels better and makes better art. Why NOT let her use the good stuff? What might happen? That she practices so much art she runs out? When they are gone they are gone and she has made art and isn't that really what you are shooting for here anyway? A kid that likes art, and at the same time showing that the natural consequence for using something up is that you don't have any more?

 

If you really don't want her to use them, explain why, and then show her the lower quality supplies are useful by sitting down and making art with her.

 

Kids in the developed world grow up with so much and we are afraid they will turn into horrible brats because of it. I think you have to work to make a brat. You have to get up and do for them when they should do for themselves. You have to go out and buy new yard play stuff or take them to Disney when they are bored with the back yard. You have to cook 3 meals just for breakfast that they have liked before and allow them to demand a fourth instead of just telling them to eat what's there or get their own. You have to run out and buy 6 of every most expensive art supply and never help them learn about conserving or experience the frustration of running out of something. You have to give them lots and lots of stuff and things and little of your attention.

 

Short answer? She's fine.

[Corraleno]

Donate it once as the result of whining and acting spoiled, and you won't have to do it ever again because the mere question, "Do you remember what happened to your art set when you whined? Do you want me to do that again?" will be enough to stop the bratty behavior.

Or, looked at another way, the lesson learned might be "Never let mom see your true feelings, because if they're not exactly what she wants to see, then she will trash your things in revenge."

 

Jackie

[stripe]

Well, if it were my 5 y.o., the nicer set would be donated to the local homeless shelter to teach him/her a lesson. Don't like the every day set? Now it's that or nothing.

 

You only have to actually do that once for the kid to wise up and then the mere threat of it happening again will keep him/her in line.

 

Yeah, I'm the mean mom, but I cannot STAND entitlement attitudes in children.

Fortunately for me, I am trying to teach my kids something other than being merely being punitive. I do not believe most lessons about complex things such as, oh, human behavior or manners are taught in a one shot lesson. I think one should demonstrate manners when trying to teach them. To me, running off to the homeless shelter when someone doesn't properly ooh and aah over a present is the sort of thing mentally ill people do. I don't think it sets a good example for charitable giving whatsoever.

 

Rebel Yell and Julie, your moms sound a lot like mine. There IS no end to compliment-fishing, no matter how many times I have said thank you.

[*Lulu*]

If it's in the parents' house and was bought with the parents' money, then it's the parents' stuff that they can do with what they wish. The child may be the one using the furniture, but ultimately it still belongs to the parents. Their house, their prerogative to replace it.

 

While this is certainly true, I would not remove/replace furnishings in my children's rooms without a discussion with them. It may be my home and my furniture, but they are my family, more precious to me than any possession and certainly more entitled to have an opinion about the furnishings in thier rooms than a short term guest.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

My 5yo is seeming very entitled lately. I'm not liking it. By US standards ;), I wouldn't say we spoil our children - as in, they won't go to a store and ask for everything under the sun (we don't buy them stuff when out), etc. However, they have accumulated a ton of toys, a huge playset in the backyard, and don't need for anything.

 

Yesterday my dd said she didn't like our backyard when dh told her to go outside. He got mad b/c she seemed so ungrateful for what she has. She said she gets bored outside... :glare:

 

Earlier this week: I bought 2 sets of watercolor crayons for her (1 nicer set for our art projects and another set for her to be able to use whenever). She liked the nicer set and was VERY upset that I wouldn't let her use them. I was pretty upset b/c clearly she thinks she "deserves" whatever she wants and while she was appreciative of the art supplies in general, she wanted what she wanted and was not appreciative.

 

So, what do you do with your children to help them to not feel entitled and be appreciative of what they have? Do your children act similar? Last night I was trying to explain to her that we do not have an obligation to provide all the things she has to her and that we could very well take them all away so that she might learn to appreciate them. That being said, I wonder how much is just a lack of maturity and understanding of value, etc. I look back on my childhood and while I feel I was very appreciative (and my parents didn't have much in some ways), I also felt very entitled and expectant. My parents disagree, but I know my heart.

 

 

I've recently started re-thinking how I think about children in general.

 

How would I feel if I knew that there were two art sets, but one was nicer and could only be accessed at times that seemed arbitrary to me? How would I feel if I said, "but I get bored outside" and my dad yelled at me? Don't we sometimes feel bored and then later think otherwise? She was expressing what she felt at that time, doesn't mean she always feels that way.

 

Maybe if she had more control over her life and decisions she would feel less "entitled"?

[katilac]

I don't think either story is an example of child who feels entitled.

 

Not liking her backyard? Dad wanted her to go outside, she didn't want to go and tried to come up with some reasons not to. She didn't come up with good ones, granted, but she's 5 - not even WTMers are covering logic in kindergarten :D

 

I also don't see why she's entitled or ungrateful simply for wanting to use a good set of paints that the family already owns. Like Rivka, I would never tell a child they couldn't use quality materials simply because it is not an Official Art Project. Tap, I'm trying to understand your point of view of not being able to keep a constant supply of expensive materials, but I honestly can't imagine what kids are doing to ruin a box of crayons in a week, and my kids colored A LOT when they were younger. Besides, pastels definitely fall into the 'too messy for every day' category in my book!

 

In the end, I would only restrict supplies that need supervision, or supplies that the child refuses to use properly. I think a 5-yr-old child can easily understand that the expensive pastels aren't to be snapped in two, or that the expensive acrylics aren't to be squeezed out of the tube so they can have fun squishing them with their fingers. I think it's much harder to for that same child to understand that the expensive acrylics aren't to be painted with, simply because they are choosing to paint.

 

Then again, I don't agree that assigned art projects are of more value. Should the materials be so very expensive that use has to be truly limited, this can be done in a neutral way: the expensive paints can be used once a week. If you use them now, you will have to use the less expensive set for your art project on Thursday. Easy!

 

OP, you said that your kids don't beg for stuff in stores, and that your dd was quite appreciative of the art supplies in general. I hate to see you 'borrowing trouble' as my grandma would say, and I think that is what you are doing if you view your dd as feeling entitled due to stuff like this.

 

This is turning into a novel, but I wanted to address one more thing. In this thread, and others in the past, there are always people who make negative coments about kids who 'expect' stuff. It seems to drive some people into a rage! But is it so very odd for a child to expect something, that has always happened in the past, to happen again? If your family has eaten out several times a week for the last year, it is not bad for the child to expect that to happen this week as well. Saying "I think we should go to the Macaroni Grill this week" before you bring up going out to eat isn't bad, it doesn't make them an entitled brat, just an observant human being.

 

I once found myself feeling irritated when my dd pointed out an activity and said "I might do that this summer." Hmph, didn't ask, just said she might do it, really rubbed me the wrong way! How dare she just EXPECT to do it like that?

 

And then I realized, why shouldn't she expect it? We have encouraged her and her sister to do many similar activities in the past - honestly, I would have pointed it out to her if she hadn't pointed it out to me. We routinely pay to send them to lessons, classes, and activities. I was annoyed with her for expecting us to say yes, which wasn't fair when it was a perfectly reasonable expectation.

 

Why did I have this reflex reaction that is was bad of her to expect it? She wasn't ugly about it, and I'm certain she would have been very gracious had I said "not gonna happen." I think it was a flashback to things I don't believe in but that are nonetheless ingrained on my psyche: Children should be seen and not heard. Children should be grateful for whatever they get. Children who have strong opinions should be put in their place, and so on.

 

Children have the same human nature that us bigger people do. They have opinions, which sometimes inconveniently do not mesh with ours. If something happens all the time, they learn to expect it, just as we do. That alone doesn't mean they are entitled or selfish.

[Guest Xapis10]

Well, if it were my 5 y.o., the nicer set would be donated to the local homeless shelter to teach him/her a lesson.

 

Depending on the attitude it's done in, and maybe depending on the child, I could see this kind of thing being used to train them. While we can not expect perfect maturity from young kids, we don't want to ignore wrong attitudes when something could be lovingly taught to them that could hopefully prevent bigger problems.

[bettyandbob]

is the child bored outside because she's a kid who likes to play with someone. Some people like to entertain themselves alone, but some people don't like that or don't like being alone most of the time. I am not saying the child was alone. I don't know how much of her time she is expected to entertain herself alone and whether the expectation is too much for her personality.

 

the issue may have nothing to do with entitlement.

[katilac]

If it's in the parents' house and was bought with the parents' money, then it's the parents' stuff that they can do with what they wish. The child may be the one using the furniture, but ultimately it still belongs to the parents. Their house, their prerogative to replace it.

 

And you can just be grateful you have furniture at all. You wanna give me your opinion on the furniture in your room? I will give it all away, and you can sleep on the **** floor.

 

Ugh. Can anyone else actually 'hear' that?

 

I bought the furniture in my children's rooms. And then I gave it to them. I'm just a crazy hippie that way.

[jessicalb]

 

I remember my parents being FURIOUS with me when I was around 11 years old. They bought me a new bedroom set- brand name furniture- the WORKS. They made the mistake of asking if I liked it, and I made the mistake of being honest.

 

I have stories very much like that. My parents wasted a lot of resources buying me things they liked that I didn't, and they simply did not get used.

 

My son is VERY worried about hurting my feelings and will totally fake liking a gift. If I see it, I will just ask. He is not great at masking his feelings so I can usually tell. If he doesn't like it, I want my money back for it and I want to get him something he will like. I don't want to waste resources because of some misguided idea that he should be grateful for things he didn't ask for and doesn't want.

 

On the other hand, at dinner, if his comment is, "Oh we're having that? Gross," he can go to bed hungry. I'm not a pushover. I expect respect, manners, and kindness from my son and I think the best way to get that is to model how much I respect and care for him.

[Cassy]

And you can just be grateful you have furniture at all. You wanna give me your opinion on the furniture in your room? I will give it all away, and you can sleep on the **** floor.

 

Ugh. Can anyone else actually 'hear' that?

 

I bought the furniture in my children's rooms. And then I gave it to them. I'm just a crazy hippie that way.

 

:lol: :hurray:

[Guest Xapis10]

Retracking on quoting katalic and responding - it didn't come out right, and I also think I was applying a personal situation here that didn't apply to her post (I was reading someone else IRL into it).

 

(parenting is so much easier when you're talking about other people's situations, isn't it? ;) )

[Aelwydd]

Depending on the attitude it's done in, and maybe depending on the child, I could see this kind of thing being used to train them. While we can not expect perfect maturity from young kids, we don't want to ignore wrong attitudes when something could be lovingly taught to them that could hopefully prevent bigger problems.

I think psychology "expertise" today can be so deceiving in excusing all kinds of behavior. In contrast, the standards and methods from the Bible stand the test of time. " Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right."

 

These are thoughts coming from a flawed mother, but I do believe that any answers found in God's Word won't steer you wrong. :)

 

Yeah, I've read the entire Bible through multiple times, and I've never seen anywhere where it stipulates taking a child's things away in a fit of pique and giving them to someone else to "teach them a lesson."

 

I have read, OTOH, where it says God gives rain to both the good and the evil, and that he, being good, knows much better than we about how to give good gifts to his children. Whether or not we appreciate his gifts, he still gives them.

 

I think you can employ the techniques Crimson suggests, and you'll definitely modify behavior. But in the meantime, you'll also be teaching your child that it is acceptable for an adult to act in a spirit of pettiness and meanness, because the parent-child relationship is based upon control, not upon trust, respect, and love.

[Corraleno]

And you can just be grateful you have furniture at all. You wanna give me your opinion on the furniture in your room? I will give it all away, and you can sleep on the **** floor.

 

Ugh. Can anyone else actually 'hear' that?

Yup. As I read that in my head, I actually heard it in my mother's voice, lol.

 

Jackie

[Cassy]

On the other hand, at dinner, if his comment is, "Oh we're having that? Gross," he can go to bed hungry.

 

Oh, and I thought that was just the standard comment every boy makes before every meal :tongue_smilie:. At least that seems to be the case here :D. And no, I don't tolerate it.

[justLisa]

And you can just be grateful you have furniture at all. You wanna give me your opinion on the furniture in your room? I will give it all away, and you can sleep on the **** floor.

 

Ugh. Can anyone else actually 'hear' that?

 

I bought the furniture in my children's rooms. And then I gave it to them. I'm just a crazy hippie that way.

 

Yeah :glare:

 

That kind of thing teaches kids how to be jealous, and take any chance they can to take something for themselves from others. It doesn't teach good qualities. It's freakin mean and stupid.

[momma2three]

Donate it once as the result of whining and acting spoiled, and you won't have to do it ever again because the mere question, "Do you remember what happened to your art set when you whined? Do you want me to do that again?" will be enough to stop the bratty behavior.

 

See, whenever I say that to my kids about anything, they just stare at me blankly. I think there's something wrong with them. :lol:

[katilac]

With respect, I think the parent of the child is the best one to determine what attitude is happening. And I'm fairly certain that no harm could come from talking to the child about what the right and wrong attitude is for the situation. From such a discussion, the child will hopefully learn something, and if by chance their attitude was not wrong, this will become apparent. On the other hand, this instruction could bring out a wrong attitude even more, which would show the parent how much more it may need to be addressed.

 

(parenting is so much easier when you're talking about other people's situations, isn't it? ;) )

 

It's an internet message board, dude. You post, you're gonna get opinions!

 

I'm sure the OP understands that.

[posybuddy]

I think you can employ the techniques Crimson suggests, and you'll definitely modify behavior. But in the meantime, you'll also be teaching your child that it is acceptable for an adult to act in a spirit of pettiness and meanness, because the parent-child relationship is based upon control, not upon trust, respect, and love.

 

 

Amen and amen.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Or, looked at another way, the lesson learned might be "Never let mom see your true feelings, because if they're not exactly what she wants to see, then she will trash your things in revenge."

 

Jackie

 

 

:iagree: It makes me so sad to think of a child who is stripped of their art supplies, toys, furniture, etc. b/c someone thought they needed to "learn a lesson". :001_huh: They learn a lesson, alright, but a sad one that they will likely remember for a long, long time. :glare:

[justLisa]

Depending on the attitude it's done in, and maybe depending on the child, I could see this kind of thing being used to train them. While we can not expect perfect maturity from young kids, we don't want to ignore wrong attitudes when something could be lovingly taught to them that could hopefully prevent bigger problems.

I think psychology "expertise" today can be so deceiving in excusing all kinds of behavior. In contrast, the standards and methods from the Bible stand the test of time. " Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right."

 

These are thoughts coming from a flawed mother, but I do believe that any answers found in God's Word won't steer you wrong. :)

 

And like there aren't enough people screwing up what he said to make it fit their own world.

[justLisa]

With respect, I think the parent of the child is the best one to determine what attitude is happening. And I'm fairly certain that no harm could come from talking to the child about what the right and wrong attitude is for the situation. From such a discussion, the child will hopefully learn something, and if by chance their attitude was not wrong, this will become apparent. On the other hand, this instruction could bring out a wrong attitude even more, which would show the parent how much more it may need to be addressed.

 

(parenting is so much easier when you're talking about other people's situations, isn't it? ;) )

 

And since I'm picking on you already no, it's not. Because there is nothing you can DO for some other kid's situation and force their parents to have an shred of decency towards them.

 

Ok I'm getting pissy. Time to go mop the floor or something.

[hollyh]

Ok. Thanks for all the replies. I feel better now. ;)

After I posted this, I told my dh on the way to church that I thought we were probably overreacting (glad most of you agree). I am so NOT wanting to raise an entitled child that I am extra cautious when I see signs of it. Just for clarification, I wouldn't have taken her things away- I totally get that she is way too young to see that correlation - but I did try to (start the process) of explaining to her that she is blessed with many things but she doesn't HAVE to have them all. Also, dh did not yell at her. He actually sat down calmly with her and asked her if that was really what she meant, how she was feeling, etc. :)

Also, I will re-think my two sets of art supply rule. The reasoning behind it was just that she is very artsy and not very responsible. I wanted her to feel free to play but wanted to have all i needed easily accessible when teaching an art lesson. By having a cheaper set that she could use anytime it wouldn't bother me if they got destroyed by her leaving them out and little siblings breaking them...I just didn't expect her to notice a difference in quality at 5!:lol:

[momma2three]

FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong with having nicer art supplies for certain things, especially when you have two younger kids. I'm in the same boat. It's not always nicer things, but even things like tempera paint: not nice by any means, but extremely messy and my younger kids do not have a good track record of being able to be around it without bad things happening to the walls and furniture. :glare: I'm just honest and say that they're "big kid" supplies, and we can't use them right now, but maybe later we'll be able to take them out. And then when we get some alone time (they go to bed a bit earlier than her, or if DH takes them out) I try to remember to do some "big kid" activities with her then as a special treat.

[Nestof3]

My sons would always want to use the better set. It's better for a reason, and I'm sure they would want to know why. At their age, they wouldn't complain, but at their age, I just buy the good stuff.

 

And I agree. Playing outside alone is not fun for all kids despite the play set. Sometimes my boys will swing alone while listening to an audio book.

 

A five year old will not understand poverty unless in poverty herself.

[jessicalb]

Also, I will re-think my two sets of art supply rule. The reasoning behind it was just that she is very artsy and not very responsible. I wanted her to feel free to play but wanted to have all i needed easily accessible when teaching an art lesson. By having a cheaper set that she could use anytime it wouldn't bother me if they got destroyed by her leaving them out and little siblings breaking them...I just didn't expect her to notice a difference in quality at 5!:lol:

 

She's an artist!

 

I never understood the difference until I started buying good supplies for art classes in college. OH MY GOSH they are so different! I love doing art with great supplies. It's such a joy and so much less frustrating than using supplies that don't quite do what you ask or expect of them. :)

[JenC3]

I think it's easy to explain the art set thing. We have play clothes and we have church clothes, we have good dishes and everyday dishes, etc. Same for certain art supplies. I still do this for my 6 & 9 yr olds b/c we have a 4 yr old.

[katilac]

Ok. Thanks for all the replies. I feel better now. ;)

<snip>

 

Also, I will re-think my two sets of art supply rule. The reasoning behind it was just that she is very artsy and not very responsible. I wanted her to feel free to play but wanted to have all i needed easily accessible when teaching an art lesson. By having a cheaper set that she could use anytime it wouldn't bother me if they got destroyed by her leaving them out and little siblings breaking them...I just didn't expect her to notice a difference in quality at 5!:lol:

 

Then it's perfectly reasonable to restrict the good set to the times when you are willing and able to supervise; that's very different, in my mind, from valuing assigned projects more than self-motivated ones. It might work to sometimes tack on time after 'official' art projects for her to use the supplies; if the littles move on to something else, you would not have to supervise the entire time, but could still have it on your list to go back and clean up WITH her.

 

I get you - they never seem to act like little kids when we WANT them to! I was mostly glad that my kids preferred 'real' food over chicken nuggets and hot dogs . . . but a little less so at restaurants, where they eyed the kid's menu with disdain, lol. Typical kid behavior can certainly be cheaper :D

[kroe1]

Entitlement mentality, to a child, is as necessary as bread and water, in my opinion. To not have entitlement and a feeling of everything being a need would just be complacency. And with complacency there is no desire to get ahead.

 

My job as a parent is to say, "no", when I cannot or will not provide something for a child. But I will not squash entitlement. I may even use those feelings to help a child understand that what he wants can be earned. He doesn't have to settle for less.

 

Long live "entitlement".

 

:)

 

(Hopefully, I have not inferred that I feel everyone should be allowed in mommy's wallet their entire lives.)

Edited September 16, 2012 by Minniewannabe
grammatical errors

[Pretty in Pink]

My 5yo is seeming very entitled lately. I'm not liking it. By US standards ;), I wouldn't say we spoil our children - as in, they won't go to a store and ask for everything under the sun (we don't buy them stuff when out), etc. However, they have accumulated a ton of toys, a huge playset in the backyard, and don't need for anything.

 

Yesterday my dd said she didn't like our backyard when dh told her to go outside. He got mad b/c she seemed so ungrateful for what she has. She said she gets bored outside... :glare: She probably does get bored. It gets boring playing by yourself even if you do have a ton of stuff to play with. Especially if you have constant access to the same toy stash. Have you tried putting the toys away and rotating them? Does she have a playmate to spend her outside time with? Even the family dog might be good company to a 5 year old.

 

Earlier this week: I bought 2 sets of watercolor crayons for her (1 nicer set for our art projects and another set for her to be able to use whenever). She liked the nicer set and was VERY upset that I wouldn't let her use them. Of course she liked the nicer set. It's a lot more enjoyable to create art with quality supplies than with cheaper ones. I do not think that having a preference for the nicer supplies demonstrates a sense of entitlement in and of itself. If she threw a fit or was openly defiant or whatever then that's another, separate issue IMO. I was pretty upset b/c clearly she thinks she "deserves" whatever she wants and while she was appreciative of the art supplies in general, she wanted what she wanted and was not appreciative. In what way was she unappreciative? Did she just state her preference for the nicer supplies? Say she didn't like the cheaper ones? Or did she demand the nicer ones and make a scene?

 

So, what do you do with your children to help them to not feel entitled and be appreciative of what they have? Do your children act similar? Last night I was trying to explain to her that we do not have an obligation to provide all the things she has to her and that we could very well take them all away so that she might learn to appreciate them. That being said, I wonder how much is just a lack of maturity and understanding of value, etc. I think this is part of it. We've raised each of our children the same but have one that demonstrates a sense of entitlement while the others do not. He's 6. We started seeing the behaviors around age 5. I look back on my childhood and while I feel I was very appreciative (and my parents didn't have much in some ways), I also felt very entitled and expectant. My parents disagree, but I know my heart.

 

.

[Corraleno]

She's an artist!

 

I never understood the difference until I started buying good supplies for art classes in college. OH MY GOSH they are so different! I love doing art with great supplies. It's such a joy and so much less frustrating than using supplies that don't quite do what you ask or expect of them. :)

:iagree:

IMHO, a child who is old enough to understand and appreciate the difference between good materials and cheap ones is also old enough to understand that if you want to use beautiful, expensive art supplies, then you have to take care of them. I'd set some reasonable conditions for using the "good stuff," and then let her choose which set she wants to use depending on how careful she wants to be. For example, we have a beautiful set of Lyra Rembrandt colored pencils, and we also have a plastic tub of colored pencils from a jumble of mixed sets. The kids can use the Rembrandts any time they like — provided they're sitting at a desk or table and they put them away when they're done. But when DD wants to lie on her bedroom floor and color while the puppy is running around, she takes the plastic tub. ;)

 

Jackie

[lynn]

:iagree: She is being 5, not copping a 'tude.

 

:iagree: Absolutely. If she's like my dd she probably loves the colors in the set and wants to use them to create her pictures and another day want the everyday set colors to create something else.

[Catwoman]

Ok. Thanks for all the replies. I feel better now. ;)

After I posted this, I told my dh on the way to church that I thought we were probably overreacting (glad most of you agree). I am so NOT wanting to raise an entitled child that I am extra cautious when I see signs of it. Just for clarification, I wouldn't have taken her things away- I totally get that she is way too young to see that correlation - but I did try to (start the process) of explaining to her that she is blessed with many things but she doesn't HAVE to have them all. Also, dh did not yell at her. He actually sat down calmly with her and asked her if that was really what she meant, how she was feeling, etc. :)

Also, I will re-think my two sets of art supply rule. The reasoning behind it was just that she is very artsy and not very responsible. I wanted her to feel free to play but wanted to have all i needed easily accessible when teaching an art lesson. By having a cheaper set that she could use anytime it wouldn't bother me if they got destroyed by her leaving them out and little siblings breaking them...I just didn't expect her to notice a difference in quality at 5!:lol:

 

It sounds like you and your dh were just having a moment of frustration with a bored 5yo, and you over-reacted a little bit to her attitude. You have both gone out of your way to make sure she has the things she needs and wants, and she got a little whiny, which got on your nerves.

 

I think we have all been there, and most of us have been in situations where we've projected a bit too much of our own feelings and expectations on little kids.

 

It's not a big deal, and it sounds like you and your dh handled everything just fine.

 

But I wouldn't worry at all about the entitlement issue for quite some time yet. :)

[Mommy22alyns]

And you can just be grateful you have furniture at all. You wanna give me your opinion on the furniture in your room? I will give it all away, and you can sleep on the **** floor.

 

Ugh. Can anyone else actually 'hear' that?

 

I bought the furniture in my children's rooms. And then I gave it to them. I'm just a crazy hippie that way.

 

Yep. :glare: And it basically happened to me.

[Kirch]

I'm not angry, just thinking that she was indeed rude to her parents. And frankly a bit surprised to see how many folks defending her rudeness.

 

I guess I just think that a parent/child relationship should be a safe place for a child to be honest. Answering the question honestly, especially after expressing her thanks *and* being pressed several times for an answer, was not rude. I think teaching kids to hide their opinions and true feelings from their parents is a dangerous precedent to set.

 

If it really doesn't matter to you how the child feels about the furniture set (or whatever), which would seem to be the case given your statement about it all being the parents' belongings anyway, there's a simple solution. Don't ask. Expecting a "thank you" and a decent attitude is fine. But why ask a child a question if you don't want an honest answer? That's manipulative behavior on the part of the parents, imo.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Kids have so little power and control in their little lives and now they are supposed to GUESS the correct answer to their parent's questions and provide it? Cruel to force kids to lie to appease a parent's sense of decorum lest they lose their belongings. Just unbelievably cruel. :glare:

[Joanne]

 

I remember my parents being FURIOUS with me when I was around 11 years old. They bought me a new bedroom set- brand name furniture- the WORKS. They made the mistake of asking if I liked it, and I made the mistake of being honest. :glare: I loved my old bedroom set- mixed hand-me-downs that my mom painted pink for me. My new set was medium-turd brown with too many pieces in a hideous style.

 

I got a raging lecture about how they needed a new bedroom set but they sacrificed and got me a new one instead. I was dumb enough, literal-minded enough, and practical enough to suggest that they take my new set and give me their old one. That didn't help- but poor me- I wasn't being a brat- I honestly thought I was being helpful.

 

Today- I still have my old pink dresser. It holds toys in the gameroom. My girls use my hated set- we never could afford to replace it. They don't like it either, but they know it was "free" and don't mind using it to free up money to pursue other interests. My parent's original bedroom set is now mine- and I'm happy with it.

 

So- that's a long story to show you that what you perceive as ungrateful might look very different to your child. Try to see things through her eyes- and remember- she doesn't have the life experience that you do. :grouphug:

 

I wanted a Marcia Brady type white desk. WHITE DESK. My parents found a "gorgeous", "antique" brown wood desk. The got it for cheap or free with the condition that they not paint or alter it. I didn't want a gorgeous, antique desk. I would rather have had NO DESK AT ALL.

 

A simple, white, cheap desk would have thrilled me. Instead, I was expected to be thrilled with the desk they got - regardless of what I asked for.

 

I still remember how disrespected and disregarded I felt.

[Crimson Wife]

Yeah, I've read the entire Bible through multiple times, and I've never seen anywhere where it stipulates taking a child's things away in a fit of pique and giving them to someone else to "teach them a lesson."

 

The Bible most certainly says that someone who has two cloaks should give one away to the person who has none. And a child who doesn't appreciate having two art sets available to him/her and demonstrates this by whining and acting spoiled deserves to have one given away to a child who will be grateful to have ANY.

[VeganCupcake]

The Bible most certainly says that someone who has two cloaks should give one away to the person who has none. And a child who doesn't appreciate having two art sets available to him/her and demonstrates this by whining and acting spoiled deserves to have one given away to a child who will be grateful to have ANY.

 

I don't think this applies to children. How could a 5 year old possibly understand that in the abstract, unless some needy child was standing in front of him/her at that very moment?

 

That message is for adults. And look at how badly we adult Bible-followers do at following it.

[Joker]

I really don't know what to make of the idea that our children shouldn't tell us their true feelings and thoughts. :confused: I'm close with my dds and they get disappointed with things. I'm an adult and feel very blessed, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there were times I was disappointed or wished for something. I know my kids feel the same way, and I don't ever want them to feel they have to pretend with me. I don't think expressing a true opinion when asked, or expressing your thoughts/desires to be an entitlement issue.

[Aelwydd]

The Bible most certainly says that someone who has two cloaks should give one away to the person who has none.

 

It says to give the cloak as a matter of charity to one's fellow human being. It does not say that the giving of one's cloak to another person should be done as a punitive measure. In fact, that strips the entire action of its value, because you're not even doing it as charity for another person. You're doing it to hurt your child. The giving of the cloak is entirely dependent, in your scenario, upon someone having committed wrong doing, and the result being that the poor person gets rewarded for another's transgression.

 

 

I see no where in that verse where Jesus stated that the giving of one's cloak to another be associated with, dependent upon, or any way shape or form related to punishment. That's why it's called charity, because it's supposed to be based upon love and concern, not upon some churlish desire to deprive your child of an item just to teach them a lesson.

 

And a child who doesn't appreciate having two art sets available to him/her and demonstrates this by whining and acting spoiled deserves to have one given away to a child who will be grateful to have ANY.

 

Oh really? And do you, as an adult, never act as a spoiled, demanding, unappreciative person regarding the many blessings bestowed upon you? Next time you complain about anything, whether it's slow service in a restaurant, or increased property taxes on your house, I'll be waiting to see how quick God swoops in to take your dinner or your house away and throws it to the beggars.

 

Before you pronounce a 5 year old child guilty of spoilt behavior, you really should consider if you, as an adult, are completely sin free by the same measure. Somehow, I doubt you are any more perfect in this area than the rest of us.

[bolt.]

I don't think it should surprise us when children are childish. That means I expect them (a) to have childish reactions, (b) to want the best of the things they see, and © to think that the whole world lives in exactly the way that is familiar to them. Expecting a 5 year old to be different is expecting him/her to not be 5 years old -- children grow out of their narrow view of the world in a normal developmental way.

 

On the other hand, expecting ourselves as parents to not experience those little spikes of indignant anger when a child seems unsatisfied with what we work hard to provide for them is equally unreasonable. (I sure did once!) But just because we have feelings as parents is no reason to over-react and blame a child as if being childish is a moral failing.

[Joanne]

The Bible most certainly says that someone who has two cloaks should give one away to the person who has none. And a child who doesn't appreciate having two art sets available to him/her and demonstrates this by whining and acting spoiled deserves to have one given away to a child who will be grateful to have ANY.

 

Jesus, if I recall my Christianity correctly, came so that his believers could have life (on earth) more abundantly.

 

A 5 year old knows intuitively that "saving" an art set for mom-deemed special occassions is not being generous or grateful; it's an arbitrary and random distinction.

 

If I recall another part, Jesus made *good* wine during his premier recorded event. This was celebratory and life enhancing.

 

It's ironic to impose heavy, adult level expectations on a child who, in the next breath, many are likely to "shelter" and want to "protect their innocence".