entitlement in children

[hollyh]

My 5yo is seeming very entitled lately. I'm not liking it. By US standards ;), I wouldn't say we spoil our children - as in, they won't go to a store and ask for everything under the sun (we don't buy them stuff when out), etc. However, they have accumulated a ton of toys, a huge playset in the backyard, and don't need for anything.

 

Yesterday my dd said she didn't like our backyard when dh told her to go outside. He got mad b/c she seemed so ungrateful for what she has. She said she gets bored outside... :glare:

 

Earlier this week: I bought 2 sets of watercolor crayons for her (1 nicer set for our art projects and another set for her to be able to use whenever). She liked the nicer set and was VERY upset that I wouldn't let her use them. I was pretty upset b/c clearly she thinks she "deserves" whatever she wants and while she was appreciative of the art supplies in general, she wanted what she wanted and was not appreciative.

 

So, what do you do with your children to help them to not feel entitled and be appreciative of what they have? Do your children act similar? Last night I was trying to explain to her that we do not have an obligation to provide all the things she has to her and that we could very well take them all away so that she might learn to appreciate them. That being said, I wonder how much is just a lack of maturity and understanding of value, etc. I look back on my childhood and while I feel I was very appreciative (and my parents didn't have much in some ways), I also felt very entitled and expectant. My parents disagree, but I know my heart.

[RoughCollie]

She said she gets bored outside... :glare:

 

She is five. Look up brain development in children; that will explain a lot of her attitudes. She is probably bored because she has no one to play with outside. I remember being a kid -- playing outside, alone, was not fun.

[Dobela]

My 5 year old is doing some of this. I see some of hers right now as learning to assert herself verbally for the first time really. She is learning that words have power, but she hasn't learned how to best use them. She also wants what she wants because she wants it. I just keep telling her no. My son went thru the same stage and gradually he learned that we don't get what we want just because we want it. There are rules, guidelines, and expectations that parents have that must be respected. Of course, at age 12 we are looking at a whole different set of issues. Sigh.

[Cassy]

When my kids have acted in this way I've interpreted it as kids pushing at boundaries, pushing to see if they can get me to 'try harder' (I am, I'm afraid, the sort of person who also tries harder to please). I view it as my job to explain the reality that what they have is good enough and is all they're getting for now. I understand that I will have to explain this at various times again and again over the weeks and months and years while they're growing up (in much the same way as I'll have to cook their meals, get them to brush their teeth, etc). While I do expect 'please and thank you' when they want something, I don't really expect them to express genuine appreciation for things I provide, sometimes they will express it, which is nice, but I'm not at all bothered if it never occurs to them to be delighted with my offerings.

[Jan in SC]

I agree with the pp. I think you are expecting way too much from a five year old. The fact that she acts very appreciative when you buy her something is great!

[VeganCupcake]

I agree with the pp. I think you are expecting way too much from a five year old. The fact that she acts very appreciative when you buy her something is great!

 

:iagree: I think what she's displaying are really age-appropriate behaviors and you may just be interpreting them as entitlement.

[Corraleno]

I think you're reading things into her behavior that simply aren't there. The fact that she's bored being stuck outside all alone, at age 5, has nothing to do with "lack of gratitude" about her playset. The fact that she preferred the nicer art set just means she preferred the nicer art set — and obviously you did, too, since you're trying to save it for special projects. It seems that you're unhappy about her behavior, because you're not getting the response/gratitude that you want. She is a perfectly normal five year old — I'd be grateful for that, and not feel "entitled" to more mature behavior than she is capable of right now. ;)

 

Jackie

[Crimson Wife]

Well, if it were my 5 y.o., the nicer set would be donated to the local homeless shelter to teach him/her a lesson. Don't like the every day set? Now it's that or nothing.

 

You only have to actually do that once for the kid to wise up and then the mere threat of it happening again will keep him/her in line.

 

Yeah, I'm the mean mom, but I cannot STAND entitlement attitudes in children.

[Rebel Yell]

My 5yo is seeming very entitled lately. I'm not liking it. By US standards ;), I wouldn't say we spoil our children - as in, they won't go to a store and ask for everything under the sun (we don't buy them stuff when out), etc. However, they have accumulated a ton of toys, a huge playset in the backyard, and don't need for anything.

 

Yesterday my dd said she didn't like our backyard when dh told her to go outside. He got mad b/c she seemed so ungrateful for what she has. She said she gets bored outside... :glare:

Being bored is not being ungrateful. Maybe she is more of an indoor child? A dancer? An artist? Outside is good for everyone, but I have one child who still does not like to be outside. She is deeply appreciative of what she has, brags when she finds great clothes at the 99cent thrift-store day, and thinks it;s insane to spend $200+ on UGG boots when she prefers the $30 Sam's Club version- which is STILL real shearling.

 

Earlier this week: I bought 2 sets of watercolor crayons for her (1 nicer set for our art projects and another set for her to be able to use whenever). She liked the nicer set and was VERY upset that I wouldn't let her use them. I was pretty upset b/c clearly she thinks she "deserves" whatever she wants and while she was appreciative of the art supplies in general, she wanted what she wanted and was not appreciative.

 

I also don't see this as being unappreciative at all- she is actually discriminating enough to appreciate the finer quality of the good art supplies. Cheap art supplies really stink. I don't know if a 5yo is really capable of understanding "good" art and "play" art- to her, it's all a masterpiece. And I bet she'd produce some amazing results if you switched to good supplies for free expression, and basics for instruction. ;) I'm not saying you should buy the expensive art supplies for her to scribble in cheap coloring books- but it might take time for her to understand.

 

So, what do you do with your children to help them to not feel entitled and be appreciative of what they have? Do your children act similar? Last night I was trying to explain to her that we do not have an obligation to provide all the things she has to her and that we could very well take them all away so that she might learn to appreciate them. That being said, I wonder how much is just a lack of maturity and understanding of value, etc. I look back on my childhood and while I feel I was very appreciative (and my parents didn't have much in some ways), I also felt very entitled and expectant. My parents disagree, but I know my heart.

I don't know how taking them all away will teach her to appreciate them. Remember, a 5yo's mind is not the same as an adult's. Even the brightest, most obedient 5yo is not yet wired to think like an adult. It is not greed or selfishness or unappreciativeness. She just does not have the brain maturity or life experience to truly comprehend it in the way you're wanting her to.

 

I remember my parents being FURIOUS with me when I was around 11 years old. They bought me a new bedroom set- brand name furniture- the WORKS. They made the mistake of asking if I liked it, and I made the mistake of being honest. :glare: I loved my old bedroom set- mixed hand-me-downs that my mom painted pink for me. My new set was medium-turd brown with too many pieces in a hideous style.

 

I got a raging lecture about how they needed a new bedroom set but they sacrificed and got me a new one instead. I was dumb enough, literal-minded enough, and practical enough to suggest that they take my new set and give me their old one. That didn't help- but poor me- I wasn't being a brat- I honestly thought I was being helpful.

 

Today- I still have my old pink dresser. It holds toys in the gameroom. My girls use my hated set- we never could afford to replace it. They don't like it either, but they know it was "free" and don't mind using it to free up money to pursue other interests. My parent's original bedroom set is now mine- and I'm happy with it.

 

So- that's a long story to show you that what you perceive as ungrateful might look very different to your child. Try to see things through her eyes- and remember- she doesn't have the life experience that you do. :grouphug:

Edited September 16, 2012 by Rebel Yell

[Cassy]

I don't know how taking them all away will teach her to appreciate them. Remember, a 5yo's mind is not the same as an adult's. Even the brightest, most obedient 5yo is not yet wired to think like an adult. It is not greed or selfishness or unappreciativeness. She just does not have the brain maturity or life experience to truly comprehend it in the way you're wanting her to.

 

:iagree:

[Crimson Wife]

 

I remember my parents being FURIOUS with me when I was around 11 years old. They bought me a new bedroom set- brand name furniture- the WORKS. They made the mistake of asking if I liked it, and I made the mistake of being honest. :glare: I loved my old bedroom set- mixed hand-me-downs that my mom painted pink for me. My new set was medium-turd brown with too many pieces in a hideous style.

 

I got a raging lecture about how they needed a new bedroom set but they sacrificed and got me a new one instead. I was dumb enough, literal-minded enough, and practical enough to suggest that they take my new set and give me their old one. That didn't help- but poor me- I wasn't being a brat- I honestly thought I was being helpful.

 

I'm sorry, but you were totally rude to your parents. Even if you didn't like it, the polite thing to say is, "thank you" and nothing more.

[Parrothead]

She is five. Look up brain development in children; that will explain a lot of her attitudes. She is probably bored because she has no one to play with outside. I remember being a kid -- playing outside, alone, was not fun.

:iagree: She is being 5, not copping a 'tude.

[Corraleno]

I'm sorry, but you were totally rude to your parents. Even if you didn't like it, the polite thing to say is, "thank you" and nothing more.

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

Edited September 16, 2012 by Corraleno

[Soror]

I agree with the pp. I think you are expecting way too much from a five year old. The fact that she acts very appreciative when you buy her something is great!

 

:iagree:

[Hoot]

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

[Rebel Yell]

I'm sorry, but you were totally rude to your parents. Even if you didn't like it, the polite thing to say is, "thank you" and nothing more.

 

OK, let me explain a little. :D This was 30+ years ago, some parts of this are very vivid, and others have blurred with time. I did thank them- it was a gift. I know enough to thank someone for gifts- even gifts I don't like/want/need. (and I teach my children to do the same.) I did not whine, pout and sulk around the house about how I hated my turd-brown ugly furniture set with too many pieces. But when I was asked if I liked it, repeatedly (you'd have to know my mom, LOL!) I could not lie and tell them I loved it. Remember- I said I have a very literal mind- so when I was asked if I liked it, I honestly believed they wanted an honest answer- which I gave them. I am not the type who can get all giddy and effervescent and put on a "WOW! That;s the most fabulous thing ever in the world I love it so much!" kind of show, even when I truly do love something. So she kept asking over and over and over again if I liked it. I was stuck!

 

And really- when someone says "Do you like it?" how does "Thank you" answer that question? :confused:

[Rebel Yell]

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

 

Thanks. :grouphug:

 

 

[AimeeM]

nm

Edited September 16, 2012 by AimeeM

[Lily_Grace]

Well, I think your expectations are off for a child. It is reasonable for them to say they are bored or want the nicer set. I am a grown-up, and don't always want to feel grateful.

 

I think the real issue is how you feel about it. Why is it important to you that she is always content with what she has? Because you paid money for it? Because it's "stuff"? It's simply what she has known. And why couldn't there be other reasons for her choices of words? 5yos are limited in so many ways.

 

My oldest would have said the same once upon a time, but he is far from having an entitlement complex. We only give gifts at holidays, and a rather reasonable amount (1-2 for birthdays, 4-5 for Christmas). It is just a stage of development. As parents, we can combat this with putting emphasis on creative thinking and spending time as a family, as well as limiting 'single-use' toys. They grow up, they understand more, and the world still turns.

[Crimson Wife]

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

 

I totally disagree. There is a difference between lying and being considerate of others' feelings. I'm not saying to go on and on about how much you love something that isn't your taste, but if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything more than "thank you, I appreciate the gift."

[Tohru]

I agree with the pp. I think you are expecting way too much from a five year old. The fact that she acts very appreciative when you buy her something is great!

:iagree:

 

I've also read that when a child under the age of 9-10 says they are bored, what they really mean is that they need attention and love.

[Crimson Wife]

I think the real issue is how you feel about it. Why is it important to you that she is always content with what she has? Because you paid money for it? Because it's "stuff"? It's simply what she has known. And why couldn't there be other reasons for her choices of words? 5yos are limited in so many ways.

 

Because they are incredibly fortunate to be living as a middle-class American child, and they need to feel grateful for that. There are literally hundreds of millions if not billions of kids around the world subsisting in abject poverty. It burns me up NO END to see spoiled little American kids whining about what they have when SOOOOOOO many kids in this world don't even have the basics :rant:

[Crimson Wife]

And really- when someone says "Do you like it?" how does "Thank you" answer that question? :confused:

 

How about a vague, "It's nice. I really appreciate you thinking of me." How is that so tough to say???? :confused:

[JenC3]

Because they are incredibly fortunate to be living as a middle-class American child, and they need to feel grateful for that. There are literally hundreds of millions if not billions of kids around the world subsisting in abject poverty. It burns me up NO END to see spoiled little American kids whining about what they have when SOOOOOOO many kids in this world don't even have the basics :rant:

 

Really, a 5 yr old is supposed to understand this? Maybe one who has traveled extensively to see such poverty, but I think you are being unreasonable.

[brett_ashley]

I'm not sure the OP's child has an overly-inflated sense of entitlement, but I will say the cure is ALWAYS work and there are VERY, VERY few children I have met (including my own) who would not benefit from more work. (Farm kids mostly excluded.)

[Tohru]

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

 

A lot of people do this - with friends and even strangers. The best place to learn not to expect appreciation for unwanted things is honesty from a loved one.

[Tohru]

How about a vague, "It's nice. I really appreciate you thinking of me." How is that so tough to say???? :confused:

 

You're angry at her for something she said when she was 11?

Maybe there might be other issues going on? :grouphug:

[Julie Smith]

OK, let me explain a little. :D This was 30+ years ago, some parts of this are very vivid, and others have blurred with time. I did thank them- it was a gift. I know enough to thank someone for gifts- even gifts I don't like/want/need. (and I teach my children to do the same.) I did not whine, pout and sulk around the house about how I hated my turd-brown ugly furniture set with too many pieces. But when I was asked if I liked it, repeatedly (you'd have to know my mom, LOL!) I could not lie and tell them I loved it. Remember- I said I have a very literal mind- so when I was asked if I liked it, I honestly believed they wanted an honest answer- which I gave them. I am not the type who can get all giddy and effervescent and put on a "WOW! That;s the most fabulous thing ever in the world I love it so much!" kind of show, even when I truly do love something. So she kept asking over and over and over again if I liked it. I was stuck!

 

And really- when someone says "Do you like it?" how does "Thank you" answer that question? :confused:

 

I can picture your Mom, she sounds like mine.

 

For example she gets me something that is not for my liking, let's pretend a pink sweater with a teddy bear on it. (Middle school age, not really appropriate)

 

Mom: Do you like it?

Me: Thank you, it was really nice of you get me a new sweater.

Mom: But do you like?

Me: It's a very nice shade of pink.

Mom: Don't you want to wear it to your first day of school. Don't you like it.

Me: It's very nice of you to get me something to wear to school.

Mom: But don't you like it. Are you going to wear it to your first day of school tomorrow?

Me: Thank you for the present. I can wear it to my first day of school if you like.

Mom: But don't you like it?

[Night Elf]

I totally disagree. There is a difference between lying and being considerate of others' feelings. I'm not saying to go on and on about how much you love something that isn't your taste, but if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything more than "thank you, I appreciate the gift."

 

That doesn't really answer the question though. To me, that is a rude answer because it's denying the person asked you a question. The asker will continue asking 'But do you like it?' Personally, I was brought up with the whole 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' But that meant lie like you mean it. I would have said 'Yes I like it very much' because to do anything else would bring down my mom's wrath for me not being nice. Honestly, it's what I've taught my own children. I've taught them that sometimes we just have to lie and I flat out do not believe that honesty is always the best policy. I'd rather lie than have someone hurt by my words. I am not a habitual liar, but I do wholeheartedly believe in white lies.

[Garga]

Well, if it were my 5 y.o., the nicer set would be donated to the local homeless shelter to teach him/her a lesson. Don't like the every day set? Now it's that or nothing.

 

Is that your first reaction? Or is that after the child really isn't "getting" it with gentler methods?

 

I think that's over the top as a first response.

 

OP: My kids were that way at 5. I worked with them and taught them and modeled for them (I wish I could remember specifics), and they're not like that anymore. It pops up every now and then, but we talk it through.

 

This reminds me of a story: I made the mistake of taking them to yard sales. We would buy something every single Friday at a yard sale for a quarter or so. I thought I was teaching them about being frugal and reusing things, etc. It turns out, I was inadvertently teaching them that every time we go out, they expected to get toys. Oh, the confusion when I wouldn't buy them the $20 lego sets at WalMart! "But! But, we always get toys!"

 

Oops. I messed up. But I sloooowly started to backpedal and teach them that we don't get toys every time we go out, and then I gave them an allowance so they could understand the value of money.

 

And now, when we get something at a yard sale, they understand the lessons I was trying to teach: being frugal and reusing old things. But it took about 4 years.

 

You daughter sounds very normal for 5, and now that you're aware of it, you can work on it. It'll take time, but she'll learn.

[Corraleno]

Really, a 5 yr old is supposed to understand this? Maybe one who has traveled extensively to see such poverty, but I think you are being unreasonable.

:iagree:

The best place to learn not to expect appreciation for unwanted things is honesty from a loved one.

:iagree:

I think it's ironic that an adult would feel a sense of "entitlement" for giving something that the recipient didn't want, didn't ask for, and doesn't like (especially if, as in Rebel Yell's case, the "gift" means the recipient ends up losing something they do want and like and appreciate). If there are strings attached, then IMHO it's not a true gift.

 

Jackie

[Mommy22alyns]

:iagree: I think what she's displaying are really age-appropriate behaviors and you may just be interpreting them as entitlement.

 

:iagree:

[Julie Smith]

I think it's ironic that an adult would feel a sense of "entitlement" for giving something that the recipient didn't want, didn't ask for, and doesn't like (especially if, as in Rebel Yell's case, the "gift" means the recipient ends up losing something they do want and like and appreciate). If there are strings attached, then IMHO it's not a true gift.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

I wrote out something long about how I agree with this. But no need to get long winded.

 

:iagree:

[momma2three]

I agree that it sounds like my 5 year old. I don't think she's overly entitled, I think she's just 5. She's actually very good at sharing, and she understands that she has a higher standard of living than most people in the world. She also understands that the nicer art set is nicer to use and produces better results, and to her I'm sure my requirements for the appropriate time to use it are arbitrary! (And yes, we do have nicer art supplies... in our case, they're held aside because we have two younger children who are at the age where they ruin everything, so DD is only allowed to use them supervised or when the younger two aren't around).

 

I think donating the nicer art set because she wants to use it is just going to teach her that her parents are arbitrary, mean, and that she should be concerned about losing any of her favorite toys and supplies. Maybe my 5 year old has a short memory or something, but I absolutely guarantee you that it wouldn't prevent her from ever whining again about her possessions... totally strange that someone thinks that a 5 year old's brain works like that. It would just waste MY money. How does that teach a child the value of anything if I'm willing to throw away something quite nice that I say is special and I spent a lot of money on?

[Corraleno]

But that meant lie like you mean it. I would have said 'Yes I like it very much' because to do anything else would bring down my mom's wrath for me not being nice.

The idea of a mom being angry and punishing kids for not lying just makes no sense to me. :confused:

 

I understand the importance of being polite: I teach my kids to say thank you for gifts, even if they dislike them. I've modeled the technique of finding something to compliment when a compliment is expected (e.g. telling my MIL, who's wearing a hideous outfit and dripping in bling, that her earrings are very striking, or her scarf is a really nice color, or whatever). But I would never expect them to flat out lie and tell someone that they look gorgeous when they don't, or say that they love a present they really hate, or whatever. (Would people really want a spouse to lie to them about these things???) IMO, one can still be nice without flat out lying.

 

Jackie

[Rebel Yell]

I can picture your Mom, she sounds like mine.

 

For example she gets me something that is not for my liking, let's pretend a pink sweater with a teddy bear on it. (Middle school age, not really appropriate)

 

Mom: Do you like it?

Me: Thank you, it was really nice of you get me a new sweater.

Mom: But do you like?

Me: It's a very nice shade of pink.

Mom: Don't you want to wear it to your first day of school. Don't you like it.

Me: It's very nice of you to get me something to wear to school.

Mom: But don't you like it. Are you going to wear it to your first day of school tomorrow?

Me: Thank you for the present. I can wear it to my first day of school if you like.

Mom: But don't you like it?

 

:iagree: LOL, and I bet dinner conversations were amazing as well.

Anyone: MMMMM! This turkey is delicious!

Mom: it's dry, isn;t it?

anyone: I don't know- I never cook turkey. It;s really good! I like it! Pass the potatoes, please.

Mom: They're lumpy, aren't they?

 

(later in the meal)

Mom: There's so much leftover- nobody liked it, did they?

Anyone: well, we all had 2-3 helpings. And you cooked two 20-pound birds for 7 people. we can't all eat 6 pounds of meat each at one sitting. But I can't wait for leftovers!

Mom: it was too dry, wasn't it?

Anyone: :confused: :glare: :lol:

 

You're angry at her for something she said when she was 11?

Maybe there might be other issues going on? :grouphug:

 

jadedone: forgive my literal brain: are you saying I'm angry about something from 30+ years ago? I'm not- I can laugh about it now- but it truly took me a lifetime of experience and awareness to see it from my parent's perspective. I wish they had ever been able to see things from mine. :crying: If you meant another poster seemed overly sensitive about my response as an 11yo doing the best I knew at the time, then well, I don't want to be rude. :D :leaving:

[Rebel Yell]

I totally agree with this.

 

I wrote out something long about how I agree with this. But no need to get long winded.

 

:iagree:

 

PM it to me, if you like. :grouphug:

[momma2three]

I disagree. I teach my kids not to lie — why would I insist that they lie to me? I'd rather know what they really think & feel than have them "fake it." In Rebel Yell's case, I think it was the parents who were rude — for expecting her to be grateful for something she didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't like. If they wanted a new bedrooms set for themselves, then they should have bought it, instead of being angry at her for not appreciating their "sacrifice."

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

 

As a parent, it's our job to sometimes make sacrifices for our kids. (And not always financial). It's NOT our job to lecture our young kids on how many sacrifices we make and how grateful they should be. That will absolutely backfire: children will grow up resentful, thinking that they are a burden, and that their parents have misplaced priorities.

 

My parents made many many sacrifices, which I didn't know about at the time, but now I really appreciate. I make sacrifices for my kids, but I don't think it's a real sacrifice if I tell them all about it and pull a big guilt trip.

[momma2three]

jadedone: forgive my literal brain: are you saying I'm angry about something from 30+ years ago? I'm not- I can laugh about it now- but it truly took me a lifetime of experience and awareness to see it from my parent's perspective. I wish they had ever been able to see things from mine. :crying: If you meant another poster seemed overly sensitive about my response as an 11yo doing the best I knew at the time, then well, I don't want to be rude. :D :leaving:

 

I think she was talking to CrimsonWife, who thinks that you were rude and ungrateful and should have 1) lied to a point blank question to your parents, 2) had an adult level understanding of why a parent might put luxuries for their beloved child ahead of their own luxuries, and 3) reacted the way a particularly diplomatic adult might to their unwanted and poorly thought out gift.

 

Personally, I think your reaction was age appropriate.

[justLisa]

I can picture your Mom, she sounds like mine.

 

For example she gets me something that is not for my liking, let's pretend a pink sweater with a teddy bear on it. (Middle school age, not really appropriate)

 

Mom: Do you like it?

Me: Thank you, it was really nice of you get me a new sweater.

Mom: But do you like?

Me: It's a very nice shade of pink.

Mom: Don't you want to wear it to your first day of school. Don't you like it.

Me: It's very nice of you to get me something to wear to school.

Mom: But don't you like it. Are you going to wear it to your first day of school tomorrow?

Me: Thank you for the present. I can wear it to my first day of school if you like.

Mom: But don't you like it?

 

Yeah see that's the problem. We can't lie but we can't tell the truth but we can't hurt people's feelings...so which is it?

 

It's nice to buy someone something. But don't ask specific questions if you dno't want the answer. I know my kids, I generally by them things they love. But it has happened a time or two when they were not totally in love with something. They are gracious, but also know how to say "Mom, thank you so much.....but it's not really my style....or do you think I could exchange it for something similar...." something liek that. I'd rather them have what THEY like.

 

If it's someone else they are gracious with gifts. But they DO have a style. I wouldn't dream of taking everything out of their bedroom and replacing it with new. They would be sad. I don't think it's ok to teach your kids someone can take away your stuff and replace it with expensive new things and you'd better be grateful.

[justLisa]

:iagree: LOL, and I bet dinner conversations were amazing as well.

Anyone: MMMMM! This turkey is delicious!

Mom: it's dry, isn;t it?

anyone: I don't know- I never cook turkey. It;s really good! I like it! Pass the potatoes, please.

Mom: They're lumpy, aren't they?

 

(later in the meal)

Mom: There's so much leftover- nobody liked it, did they?

Anyone: well, we all had 2-3 helpings. And you cooked two 20-pound birds for 7 people. we can't all eat 6 pounds of meat each at one sitting. But I can't wait for leftovers!

Mom: it was too dry, wasn't it?

Anyone: :confused: :glare: :lol:

 

 

 

jadedone: forgive my literal brain: are you saying I'm angry about something from 30+ years ago? I'm not- I can laugh about it now- but it truly took me a lifetime of experience and awareness to see it from my parent's perspective. I wish they had ever been able to see things from mine. :crying: If you meant another poster seemed overly sensitive about my response as an 11yo doing the best I knew at the time, then well, I don't want to be rude. :D :leaving:

 

I am cracking up about the food :lol:

[justLisa]

I'm sorry, but you were totally rude to your parents. Even if you didn't like it, the polite thing to say is, "thank you" and nothing more.

 

In that situation that is basically telling a kid people can walk all over you and get rid of your stuff. And that's ok?

[SunnyDays]

I also hate the entitlement that I see in many kids and teens these days. When I see it in my own son, I try to squash it and remind him that he's actually very blessed. But, a five year old child needs help to understand all of that. I don't think it's entitled for her to say she'd rather use the nice art supplies, especially when she knows you already own them... she just thinks you're holding out on her, LOL!!

 

We should all make sure our kids have grateful hearts and are not brats, KWIM?? But it's a process and I don't assume a young child has an entitlement problem for expressing that they would prefer something else. I've told my son that with us, at home... he can be honest, but he has to be polite. (Polite doesn't mean lying to say you like something when you don't... but for example at dinner, rather than saying "Yuck, this tastes gross!" he can say "I've eaten some of this but I don't really care for it... may I be done?" Big difference.)

[LibraryLover]

You're angry at her for something she said when she was 11?

Maybe there might be other issues going on? :grouphug:

 

 

I actually think the parents, while trying to be loving, where somewhat disrespectful to the child. An 11 yr old should be able to participate in choosing new bedroom furniture. Whenever we have had to purchase such items, we have asked the children for their input. I can't imagine doing somethig like that without the child being able to express an opinion --within the parameters of the financial limit-- of course.

Edited September 16, 2012 by LibraryLover

[ktgrok]

How about a vague, "It's nice. I really appreciate you thinking of me." How is that so tough to say???? :confused:

 

Am I the only parent that is thinking..if I spent a ton of money on a new bedroom set for my kid, and they didn't like it, I'd want to know so I could take it back or exchange it for something they did like? Why on earth would I want them to keep an expensive furniture set they didn't like? How does that make anyone happy? Now, I'd want to be told in a polite way, but I'd want to know. And I know my parents would want to know too! If that had happened to me my mom would want to hear something like "Wow, it's really a nice set, really quality stuff...but to be honest it is a bit much for my tastes...I really do prefer simpler/brighter/more modern/etc"

[AimeeM]

Am I the only parent that is thinking..if I spent a ton of money on a new bedroom set for my kid, and they didn't like it, I'd want to know so I could take it back or exchange it for something they did like? Why on earth would I want them to keep an expensive furniture set they didn't like? How does that make anyone happy? Now, I'd want to be told in a polite way, but I'd want to know. And I know my parents would want to know too! If that had happened to me my mom would want to hear something like "Wow, it's really a nice set, really quality stuff...but to be honest it is a bit much for my tastes...I really do prefer simpler/brighter/more modern/etc"

Nope, you aren't alone. Yesterday I was talking to my daughter about her bedroom - she expressed a desire to have a bed like her little brother; not a bed at all really, just a mattress on the floor (after two ER visits because he, in his sleep, walked off the toddler bed and split his chin on the hard wood floor, we decided a mattress on the floor was safer :tongue_smilie:). She also said that she wants a room full of pillows. So instead of buying all the cool decor and fancy bedding, she wants a mattress on her floor and she wants to pick out tons of pillows. I'm totally cool with that :D. She is very polite, but also tells us the truth. Well, she tells the truth with US (her father and me) anyway - she is NOT good at expressing her tastes or dislikes to extended family. Every time she comes home from the grandparents' house, she is loaded down with outdated clothing several sizes too small for her; when I ask why she accepted them (or pretended to like them to please the Grands), she very nicely comments "yes Mom, because you love long fur coats" (referring to the fur coat my bonus mom gave me) - pointing out that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree :lol:.

[Corraleno]

As a parent, it's our job to sometimes make sacrifices for our kids. (And not always financial). It's NOT our job to lecture our young kids on how many sacrifices we make and how grateful they should be. That will absolutely backfire: children will grow up resentful, thinking that they are a burden, and that their parents have misplaced priorities.

:iagree:

And I think it can backfire in two very different ways. Some kids (like me :D) will recognize "martyr mom syndrome" for what it is, and see the parent as petty, selfish, and insecure — definitely not my mother's desired effect! Others (like my sister :(), will not see through it and will accept the idea that she is a selfish, ungrateful person if she dares to express her own opinions/wants/desires. My sister grew up to be an extreme "people pleaser" who lets other people walk all over her. And now she's developing her own martyr complex, because she resents the fact that these people don't appreciate what she does for them. Of course, she'd never tell them that, or stick up for herself, because that would mean she was "selfish." IOW, she believes she has to be a totally unselfish martyr, but it makes her mad that everyone else isn't a totally unselfish martyr, too. :huh:

 

Jackie

[Rivka]

I think it would be hard for a five-year-old to grasp that the art projects she does with mom are supposed to be "better" than the art projects she does on her own, and so the good art supplies are being saved for that. To her, all her art projects are important, you know?

 

We definitely have art supplies that are only to be used with adult permission, but that's because they stain or are complicated to set up. I can't really picture having good and inferior crayons, and only bringing the good ones out when the project was my idea.

[Tap]

I think it would be hard for a five-year-old to grasp that the art projects she does with mom are supposed to be "better" than the art projects she does on her own, and so the good art supplies are being saved for that. To her, all her art projects are important, you know?

 

We definitely have art supplies that are only to be used with adult permission, but that's because they stain or are complicated to set up. I can't really picture having good and inferior crayons, and only bringing the good ones out when the project was my idea.

 

I think it can be hard for a 5 yo to understand but it is just a life lesson that they have to learn.

 

We have art supplies like pastels that are $2 a stick, we also have Crayola brand that were 12 for $3. I do let the kids play with the Crayola ones so they can learn technique and just follow their own heart. This are is usually thrown away by the end of the week. When we do art lessons, we have the more expensive supplies. The colors are brighter, the texture nicer and they blend better. It helps the kids to understand that playing around with art is great, but when you are doing a lesson and completing a project, you can use the nicer supplies for a better overall look. It also helps them shift their mind to 'art class' vs doing art for fun.

[Mommy22alyns]

Am I the only parent that is thinking..if I spent a ton of money on a new bedroom set for my kid, and they didn't like it, I'd want to know so I could take it back or exchange it for something they did like? Why on earth would I want them to keep an expensive furniture set they didn't like? How does that make anyone happy? Now, I'd want to be told in a polite way, but I'd want to know. And I know my parents would want to know too! If that had happened to me my mom would want to hear something like "Wow, it's really a nice set, really quality stuff...but to be honest it is a bit much for my tastes...I really do prefer simpler/brighter/more modern/etc"

 

 

Yes, I agree. In fact, this is a little difficulty I have with Rebecca because she will so easily go along with things and I honestly do want to know what she really thinks!