I'm back and could use some more of your wonderful advice

[Only me]

I haven't been home for more than a few days from our little trip and here I am again asking for advice. :confused: It seems like I get over one hurdle with my dd and another presents itself. Sometimes I think it is a lot easier to parent a younger child. When my kids were younger it was easier to take them out of an activity or talk to the coach/dance instructor, etc. if I didn't things were going right. Now that my dd is 16 I feel that she needs to take care of these things herself but on the otherhand I don't know when to step in to help her.

 

In the spring my dd tried out for poms and made it. She was thrilled for several reasons: she loves dancing and 6 months ago we didn't even know if she would be allowed to dance again (medical problems), she was really looking forward to being on a team and meeting new friends, etc. Dd has been dancing for 13 years and is used to the hard work that comes with it. She is also used to giving 110% in everything she does and this was especially true this school year when she gave everything she had to get good grades.

 

Well unfortunately her poms coach has turned out to be very difficult. She took over coaching the team halfway through last year so this is her first year really in charge. She is young and I'm not sure she was really ready to handle this kind of thing. Last year was her first year teaching at the school as the spanish teacher. Right before tryouts this spring I ran into the coach during teacher conferences. She had my dd in study hall and was thrilled to hear that she was going to try out for poms. She said that she could tell that my dd had a strong work ethic and was well liked by her teachers. She said that it was going to be a wonderful year. She went on to say that her main goal was for the girls to have fun and have the opportunity to become a team and form good relationships. Of course she expected the girls to give their full effort but she emphasized the "fun" part.

 

All summer they have had practices 4 days a week for 2-3 hours in the morning. Needless to say, this hasn't been the lazy sleeping in late summer that we're used to. Dd was fine with that because she really wanted to do this. The problem is that over the past few weeks all the coach does is complain to the girls and tell them how bad they are doing. Several times she has had some of the girls crying because of the rude remarks she has made. Up until now dd has been lucky but yesterday she singled dd out and made her feel awful. She was working with her group in another room and the coach happened to just walk in when dd did something wrong with her arms. The coach had a fit and told dd that she should feel bad because now they would have to repeat the dance again because of her. Since dd has been dancing for so long she is used to getting helpful criticism but this was different. The coach told the girls that they are starting to "pi-- her off" and that they all have bad attitudes. It seems like no matter what the girls do that they can't do it right. She even seemed upset when I stopped by practice the other day. I had to give her a check but while I was there I asked her for the upcoming schedule and for information about camp. Camp is in a few weeks and she still hasn't given us any specifics. She has also signed the team up for several competitions, although she originally told me that they would only be in 1 or 2 and that competition wouldn't be the focus.

 

My dd was so excited about making poms and now she regrets trying out. She won't quit because she knows that it is not right to just quit a team. She has also put a lot of time into this and we have put in a lot of money into this. The problem is that dd is miserable and doesn't know what to do about it. She feels that if she talks to her coach it will make things even worse. I can imagine the coach saying something like "If you don't like the way things are going then you are off the team". I am tempted to talk to the coach but I want dd to be able to handle this on her own. I'm also worried that the coach could make life miserable for dd because she is also her Spanish 3 teacher this year.

 

By the way, this is a private christian high school so this makes my blood boil even more. Of course being Christian doesn't mean that the coach can't have bad days but I think she is handling things wrong and isn't being a good role model for the girls.

 

Any suggestions?

[Pink Fairy]

I would say that you need to address this with the coach, and probably in the presence of an administrator. The coach sounds like a bully, and she needs to understand that it won't be tolerated. Coaching is one thing, bullying is completely different. That's why I recommend that you have an administrator there, especially since your daughter will be in her Spanish class next year. Give very specific examples of the coach's bullying--not "she makes rude remarks", but "she said this...".

 

HTH, and good luck!

[melissel]

Whew, I agree. I think your daughter is still young enough for you to help her through this, for sure, especially because this person is her teacher too. It sounds like your DD has a very good work ethic and a good head on her shoulders, but it can still be VERY difficult to stand up to a teacher, especially an abusive one. This coach needs a reality check. If this is what goes on at the school, I'd hate to think what she'll be like when she has them all away at camp!

[GSMP]

What a pickle.....

 

Biblically...you address it with the coach...if that doesn't help you go to the administrator.

 

Last resort...YOU pull her out. You have that right. You don't want this teacher to destroy the confidence your daughter all ready has.....

 

You can tell her that you don't want her in a situation that she is going to be verbally abused.

 

Talk it over with her....she may come back at you like mine did and tell me to please leave her there because she felt she was needed to set a Godly example......

 

That is a tough spot to be in.......:grouphug: to both of you......

[3lilreds in NC]

I agree - you need to talk to the coach. Have you had feedback from any of the other parents? Anyone else feeling the same way? It would be good if more than one parent wanted to talk to the coach, and I agree about having an administrator present, too. If the admin. hears what is said to the coach, the coach will know they're busted and be less likely to take it out on the team.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think this coach has gotten in over her head. She's feeling overwhelmed and is taking it out on the girls. There are many things that a 16 year old should address on her own (a scheduling problem, general questions etc.) but I don't think this is one of them. It would be inappropriate for her to handle this because the coach is out of line. I agree that this needs to be addressed - by you and maybe even your dh and the coach's supervisor.

[Marie in Oh]

to call one or two of the moms to see if there are other girls complaining. I think a team of moms with concern going to the coach and maybe an administrator would be a good thing becasue it would look less like you whining (you are definitely not, but she sounds so over the top she might accuse you of it), and more of a valid concern. She has no right to act like that, speak to the girls like that, and is not an axample of self control. I would be livid too.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Agreeing with meeting with the coach face-to-face first and letting her know your concerns. If that doesn't improve, get the administration involved. Girls this age do not need this kind of pressure put on them by a coach. This should be a fun activity!:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Are you sure there's not a legitimate problem on the team?

 

Yes the coach may be in over her head and yes she may be speaking inappropriately.

 

On the other hand, if there are other girls on the team that present genuine attitude problems, this can swing the whole experience into something very negative. It can be easy, as a coach or teacher, to perceive it as a team problem when it is actually a problem with a certain girl or perhaps sub-group of girls on the team.

 

My point is that the coach may be responding to a genuine problem, but such problem may not be known to your daughter.

 

Just a thought.

 

If you do choose to talk to the coach about it, I would recommend going in sweetly, non-judgmentally, and thanking her for the hours she is putting into this.

[Laurie4b]

When I as in school, when there were problems with an authority, a *group* of students went to the administration, usually to a guidance counselor. That's the way kids handle it on their own.

 

I think that your dd will run into other people in her life like her coach, so this is a good time for a life lesson: your dd has it within her power to let her coach affect her core self or not. It's a good time to encourage her to view God as her one and only legitimate judge. What does God think of her? Calling to mind Bible verses about her being fearfully and wonderfully made, etc. are important. Frequently, God is spoken of as our "shield." In instances like this, it is often helpful to people to picture God as their shield between them and the other person. No "barbs" can get through the God shield. He absrobs them and deals with them. Additionally, this coach is acting like an enemy to these girls. What do you do with your enemies? Pray for them and find ways to do good to them. This is not wimpy; it's exercising choice and the spiritual power of love.

 

I do think that at some point, it might be appropriate to talk to someone in the administration. This is not a matter of personal sin, one person to another; it's a matter of sin going on within an organization. Those at higher levels are responsible for everything that happens at lower levels. They need to know so that they can take action to correct it. An analogy might help here: if your child was, as a pattern of behavior, harming other girls like your dd's coach is harming the girls, and other parents knew about it, would you want them to only talk to your daughter about it, or would you feel like you needed to know? I think when we're dealing with institutional issues, it's the same.

[Only me]

I spoke to another mom whose dd feels the same way as my dd. This girl has been in tears several times. Outside of poms I view her as a very outgoing, confident, likeable young lady so if this is getting to her too then I think something has to be done. The other mom happens to be another teacher at the school. This family was going out of town but next week when they come back we were thinking about approaching the coach. We're just not sure how to do it.

 

Apparently the coach is volunteer and doesn't get paid any for her time. I feel bad complaining to her when she doesn't have to coach either. On the other hand, I'm not sure if she realizes how bad she is making some of the girls feel. My dd seems to feel that many of the girls just let it roll of their backs. Of course several of them were on poms last year or are already in super competitive dance and are used to this kind of thing.

 

Maybe this is just what is to be expected with high school level sports but I don't like it. My dd definitely doesn't mind hard work but she has put in countless hours this summer for poms and for what. She is constantly stressed out and worried that she will make a mistake. Yesterday she got a shot in her arm and it is very sore. She's worried that it will affect her performance at practice today and that the coach will yell at her. She is going to mention it to the coach ahead of time and will definitely do her best but she's sure the coach will still give her a hard time.

 

My dd is worried that if I talk to the coach that it will make things worse and that she will hold a grudge against dd. DD also has her for spanish this year so that is something that we need to consider.

[Adrianne]

I haven't been home for more than a few days from our little trip and here I am again asking for advice. :confused: It seems like I get over one hurdle with my dd and another presents itself. Sometimes I think it is a lot easier to parent a younger child. When my kids were younger it was easier to take them out of an activity or talk to the coach/dance instructor, etc. if I didn't things were going right. Now that my dd is 16 I feel that she needs to take care of these things herself but on the otherhand I don't know when to step in to help her.

 

In the spring my dd tried out for poms and made it. She was thrilled for several reasons: she loves dancing and 6 months ago we didn't even know if she would be allowed to dance again (medical problems), she was really looking forward to being on a team and meeting new friends, etc. Dd has been dancing for 13 years and is used to the hard work that comes with it. She is also used to giving 110% in everything she does and this was especially true this school year when she gave everything she had to get good grades.

 

Well unfortunately her poms coach has turned out to be very difficult. She took over coaching the team halfway through last year so this is her first year really in charge. She is young and I'm not sure she was really ready to handle this kind of thing. Last year was her first year teaching at the school as the spanish teacher. Right before tryouts this spring I ran into the coach during teacher conferences. She had my dd in study hall and was thrilled to hear that she was going to try out for poms. She said that she could tell that my dd had a strong work ethic and was well liked by her teachers. She said that it was going to be a wonderful year. She went on to say that her main goal was for the girls to have fun and have the opportunity to become a team and form good relationships. Of course she expected the girls to give their full effort but she emphasized the "fun" part.

 

All summer they have had practices 4 days a week for 2-3 hours in the morning. Needless to say, this hasn't been the lazy sleeping in late summer that we're used to. Dd was fine with that because she really wanted to do this. The problem is that over the past few weeks all the coach does is complain to the girls and tell them how bad they are doing. Several times she has had some of the girls crying because of the rude remarks she has made. Up until now dd has been lucky but yesterday she singled dd out and made her feel awful. She was working with her group in another room and the coach happened to just walk in when dd did something wrong with her arms. The coach had a fit and told dd that she should feel bad because now they would have to repeat the dance again because of her. Since dd has been dancing for so long she is used to getting helpful criticism but this was different. The coach told the girls that they are starting to "pi-- her off" and that they all have bad attitudes. It seems like no matter what the girls do that they can't do it right. She even seemed upset when I stopped by practice the other day. I had to give her a check but while I was there I asked her for the upcoming schedule and for information about camp. Camp is in a few weeks and she still hasn't given us any specifics. She has also signed the team up for several competitions, although she originally told me that they would only be in 1 or 2 and that competition wouldn't be the focus.

 

My dd was so excited about making poms and now she regrets trying out. She won't quit because she knows that it is not right to just quit a team. She has also put a lot of time into this and we have put in a lot of money into this. The problem is that dd is miserable and doesn't know what to do about it. She feels that if she talks to her coach it will make things even worse. I can imagine the coach saying something like "If you don't like the way things are going then you are off the team". I am tempted to talk to the coach but I want dd to be able to handle this on her own. I'm also worried that the coach could make life miserable for dd because she is also her Spanish 3 teacher this year.

 

By the way, this is a private christian high school so this makes my blood boil even more. Of course being Christian doesn't mean that the coach can't have bad days but I think she is handling things wrong and isn't being a good role model for the girls.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I am sorry you and dd are going through this :grouphug:

 

Just a thought - Dealing with difficult people is very hard but a necessary part of growing up. When she is working in the real world, you won't be able to speak to her boss about problems. Could your daughter and some other team members could tell the coach how they feel? The coach might appreciate being spoken to directly.

 

If that does not work, they(or you) can speak to the administrator. We all have a tough time learning new things. Being a coach can be difficult. It sounds like she needs course correction. These comments do seem rude and it is a coach's job to inspire not insult the team.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[TraceyS/FL]

My first thought was - gee, the coach isn't enjoying missing HER summer, and little things are setting her off.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think both of you moms talking to her is a good idea - or is there a supervisor over her head? That would have been the athletic director at our school.

 

hopefully it works out - i had more to say, but the 4yo just walked in with blood on her toes. Lovely!

[Only me]

Yes, I agree that this coach has given up a lot of her time this summer too. That is why I am hesitant to complain. On the other hand, I think that it would be more enjoyable and constructive for everyone if she just handled things a little differently. Of course she needs to point out when the girls make mistakes. That is the only way they can learn. On the other hand she accuses the girls of not trying (after just learning the routine and going through it once). She criticizes the girls in front of everyone else if they mess up and they have to repeat the routine. I would much rather her say something like "Suzie you need to work on your --- a little more". "Try doing it this way next time". Then if the girl still isn't getting it then perhaps that girl could get together with another one on the squad for some extra practice.