Do you impose your religious beliefs on your guests?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Just an fyi- many counties do not require you to be a resident of even the state to get on their section 8 lists. Some places have really short wait times (like potter county pa. Last i checked it was 6 months). After you live in that county for a year on section 8, you own the voucher and can move anywhere in the country. So if a crappy county has a short list, TAKE IT, and deal for a year.

 

Section 8 is not always in apartments. I have a 3 bedroom, 2 floor house (it's small, but still a house).

[Truscifi]

I'm glad you have a plan. :grouphug:

[Ellie]

Wait.

 

Are you a guest or a resident?

 

I'm with Ellie for a guest.

 

I'm with Jean if you LIVE there.

 

And if you are living there and expects to be treated like a guest? Yeah. I'd be cranky as all get out with you, which might make me have a higher tendency to yell occasionally. I figure in my home, I can discuss anything I want with whoever I want. I wouldn't view that as "teaching" your kid. I'd view it as conversation about opinions.

 

It sounds mostly as though everyone will get along much better with some space.:grouphug:

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[SKL]

I wouldn't wait to "undo" the teaching. I would tell my children (in private) "that's what some people believe, and this is what we believe." I'd also tell them they must absolutely respect the religious beliefs and practices of their hosts.

 

I would not turn on the TV personally. I'd be taking my kids to the library or anywhere else where I could be away from the negativity and give the hosts some space when possible.

 

My guess is that your being there is stressful for your hosts and this is how the stress is coming out. Honestly, it's a stressful situation for all and it isn't worth confronting them over TV shows and such. The only thing I'd confront over would be something unsafe for my children, and I don't believe exposure to other religious beliefs rises to that level at all.

 

Best of luck getting out of the financial situation you are in so that everyone involved can breathe more freely.

[wintermom]

Well, living with family isn't exactly the same thing as visiting as a guest. If you feel strongly about this issue, then finding another place to live is probably your only real solution. Sorry about the hard feelings and stress of being in this situation.

[TranquilMind]

I'm a bit unhappy right now. Were having to stay with my mom and step dad right now and he's been teaching my youngest his extremist religious beliefs which has me ticked but if I say anything we will be living on the streets so I stay quiet (I seriously disagree with his beliefs) and figure I will work on undoing his teaching once were back on our feet. Just now I was watching "Once Upon A Time" on Netflix and he came in yelling at me "turn that crap off!" dd asked why and he replied with "Its anti-god!" I don't comment or complain about what I consider his garbage radio and TV show choices or his political rants I don't agree with. I'm sick of feeling like I'm walking on thin ice, never know whats going to set him off. It didn't even occur to me it would offend him. If I had the money we would be leaving tonight, I'm just sick of it and his religious beliefs. He expects me to respect his beliefs but he refuses to respect mine. There's a lot more going on but this is a biggie.

 

Do you expect your guests to live by your religious beliefs? I wouldn't be so ticked if he had calmly said "I would prefer you not watch that in my home" instead of being nasty and yelling at me and dd.

 

In your situation, you don't have much choice. But you should respect the views of the ones who own the house, so yes.

 

You might try gently saying that your beliefs differ somewhat (not sure what you are implying here....if he is an extremist Christian and you are a, say, satanist, this won't work!) but that you respect his beliefs and hope he will respect yours as well. But that's about as far as you can go, while he is putting you up.

[TranquilMind]

My guess is that your being there is stressful for your hosts and this is how the stress is coming out. Honestly, it's a stressful situation for all and it isn't worth confronting them over TV shows and such. The only thing I'd confront over would be something unsafe for my children, and I don't believe exposure to other religious beliefs rises to that level at all.

 

.

 

If gentle doesn't work, than yes, this.

[Wabi Sabi]

Finding yourself without a place to live at all and effectively being homeless may qualify you for emergency social services that aren't currently available to you (such as emergency priority for a Section 8 voucher.) At this time of year I'd be tempted to plan a camping trip with the kids for the next few weeks while all of your other affairs get in order.

[TranquilMind]

Julie in CA: I would not impose my religious values upon a *guest* in my home, though I'd expect that they'd be respectful about mine.

 

On the other hand, someone *living in my home* would be subject to hearing my viewpoint fairly often in the course of home life, and would not be allowed to view programs I disapproved of on *my tv*.

 

Right. These are two different situations. Someone who comes over for dinner is a guest.

[TranquilMind]

Erm...well...

Deliberately denigrating grandpa and teaching kids who are reliant upon his financial support to condescend doesn't sound like it would be good for anyone.

 

Either respect the man's home and his place in it, or leave, but don't stay, take the benefits, and be disrespectful about his choices within his own home. :001_huh:

 

Yes, this. Don't disrespect Grandpa or call him crazy. His views simply differ from yours but you are so thankful that you have a place right now to stay so you appreciate him for that. Say something like that instead.

[TranquilMind]

Given the additional info :iagree:. And I would seriously rethink moving with them. That would just keep you under his thumb. I can understand not wanting to be that far from your mom, but are you willing to have your kids grow up like that just to be near her?

 

 

Right. This isn't going to work, it sounds like, given new info.

[jhschool]

That sounds like a horrible place to live.

Seriously, you should find another place. There are ways you can get help if you can't afford it.

What you are describing would have me packing my bags that same day.

(Religious teaching of my DC against my own religious beliefs, getting yelled at? Forget it!)

[jhschool]

it kinda pointed out to me how I don't have any autonomy because I'm not allowed up before she feeds/potties the dog because it will get the dog up if I get up before they want to get up. We can't take showers until they start them at 6:30pm (I would prefer to shower in the morning honestly as it wakes me up) because I " might not dry the shower right" (every inch of the shower must be towel dried completely after showering), I have to ask permission to do anything around here from the kids playing outside to cooking, to laundry. I get money on the first, I think I will go visit my sister (who is also gluten free, kids are not but they will happily eat GF) for a long while, at least I KNOW what she's like and whats expected. I'm more worried about her neighbors then her:lol: She was in a bad situation when she moved there and was able to quickly find work and get on her feet. Only thing that sucks is I will end up living in the city and I hate city life:(

 

ETA: Sister/best friend has been trying to get me to move there for almost a year since she got there and has been bugging me to come and even offered me a babysitting job watching her kids which doesn't pay a lot but it would be something so not a surprise visit.

 

GIRL, LEAVE TODAY!!!

 

You are not allowed to shower until they do? You are not allowed to get up in the morning? Your kids have to ask permission to go play *from them?*

 

This is pretty scary stuff. You are

allowing yourself to be controlled in a very creepy way.

 

I don't know why you would stay in that situation one more day. Go!

And never look back.

[aggieamy]

Yes, with the further information you supplied, this isn't about religious beliefs as such but about abuse. Living in a safe and healthy place is so much more important than whether you like city or country life.

 

:iagree:

 

Run. Get out today. Go stay with friends. Call your sister to come get you immediately. Leave. This is a scary and sad situation. I'd go to a woman's shelter rather than stay there.

[kristi26]

I didn't read the other responses as of yet, but here are my thoughts.

 

I would NOT allow someone else to be teaching my kids their religious beliefs if they conflicted with mine. I would do my best to respect their beliefs in their home.

 

As for Once Upon a Time...what the heck?? How is it "anti-God??" I am a Christian. I watch that show all the time. I love it!! I've never seen anything that made me think "anti-God." If anything, I see a lot of parallels in it...

[Amy in NH]

Thanks for the additional info about your situation. It sounds like you were blindsided, and things are not at all as you expected them to be. :grouphug:

 

[sNIP]

 

I would do whatever it took to get out of there, even if you have to live in a ratty old camper out in the driveway.

 

Seriously.

 

I know finances are tight, but your family's sanity and health both need to come first.

 

 

:iagree: That sounds like an emotionally and physically toxic situation for you and your children. I think I'd start looking at homeless shelters and transitional housing for families. Make some calls tomorrow...

[stripe]

I didn't read the other responses as of yet, but here are my thoughts.

 

I started to respond to this thread but realized much more information was provided later that made it not really about what the first post indicated.

[Lisbeth]

I would try to get out, fast. In my home, we would allow no coffee, tea, alcohol or cigarettes; no taking the Lord's name in vain, and no R movies or obscene music. However, I would not cram the Book of Mormon dn a guest's throat, or make them listen to me preach frim the Quad. I think screaming at someone really is against most religiousteachings.

[Anne in CA]

This thread is making me nervous just reading it. It is so easy for someone else to start controlling your life when you are living close to the edge financially. I feel sick for the OP, and I hope to goodness that she can get out before he comes back. The first is two weeks away and I suspect that the whole reason that the OP's mother invited them was that this man wanted more people to control.

[DarlaS]

I believe that boundaries are still appropriate, even if you continue to live there.

 

You can't tell him what to watch or allow on his TV.

 

I would *not ever* permit him to share is viewpoint in front of my kids.

 

:iagree:

 

No one can purchase the right to indoctrinate my children. Their impressionable minds are not for sale.

[abba12]

We expect a certain amount of respect from guests, but we also accept that others don't live as we do. For example, my sister is living with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a great guy, we like him, he's on the Christmas gift list lol, and we genuinely enjoy his company. We don't speak badly of their living arrangements to our kids. However, because of our children, when they stay the night in our home we ask them to sleep in separate rooms. We generally wouldn't cause a fuss about TV shows unless our children are in the room and we find the content inappropriate for them, but if it was just my sister watching something alone, we wouldn't say anything unless it's something specifically unbiblical, such as medium, or a movie with strong satanic themes. We'd never allow a guest to perform a seance in our home lol, and we prefer people not swear (though that's awful hard to enforce!) but I'm not going to force my sister to cover up in more modest clothes to meet my standards of modesty, I don't require female guests to only wear skirts as I do!

 

As for instructing children, it's a fine line. I will absolutely answer questions, honestly and respectfully (without speaking badly of the child's parents) but I would not bring the topic up, or correct them based on my personal theologies, just answer questions or explain things that might be strange to them.

 

Having said all that, as far as I can tell from what I've read, you're not an overnight guest in his home, you're living with him, and that changes things somewhat. In my mind, if you're splitting rent, then it's a fully shared scenario. If you're not paying rent, then it's his house, his rules. I would expect more from someone living with me. For example, going back to my sisters example, if my sister came to live with us without paying rent, I'd probably feel perfectly within my rights to ask that her boyfriend not stay overnight. I'd be much stricter about swearing, and if she had children, I would probably, RESPECTFULLY, volunteer more information than I would to a guests child. I would not force my sister to go to church but I would probably strongly encourage it and bring it up regularly.

 

The key I see from this thread is that your step father is not being respectful in any way. There's a big difference between asking you not to watch something in his home, and yelling at you for watching something. If he won't respect you, then all you can really do is get out of there asap. I don't know that his expectations are unreasonable, but the way he is carrying it out appears to be very unacceptable. I hope you can leave soon.

[Kathryn]

OP, you need to decide what is important to you as a Mom and human being.

 

Having integrity and age appropriate autonomy would be my first priority, and I would not consider continuing to be in a co living situation with this person and your Mom.

 

Given the additional info :iagree:. And I would seriously rethink moving with them. That would just keep you under his thumb. I can understand not wanting to be that far from your mom, but are you willing to have your kids grow up like that just to be near her?

 

Thanks for the additional info about your situation. It sounds like you were blindsided, and things are not at all as you expected them to be. :grouphug:

 

It also sounds like you won't be getting any emotional support from your mom if you confront your stepfather, which makes me :ack2: especially when her dh's incredibly careless (or possibly intentional, for all you know) behavior in the kitchen is making you and your family sick from the gluten exposure.

 

Your stepfather sounds rude, clueless, controlling, and unpleasant. I don't care what your agreement is with your mom and stepdad; I would do whatever it took to get out of there, even if you have to live in a ratty old camper out in the driveway.

 

Seriously.

 

I know finances are tight, but your family's sanity and health both need to come first.

 

I'm sorry you feel like you're stuck there.

 

And FWIW, I am even angrier with your mom than I am with your stepfather. He's just a jerk that you don't know very well. She is your MOM. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for not standing up for you and your family! For crying out loud, you're getting physically ill as a result of her idiot husband. She should be LIVID. :angry:

 

:iagree: Given the additional info, I won't even address the question in the title. Get out. ASAP.

[Harriet Vane]

OP--What you describe is very, very controlling. I am concerned for you and for your children. I would advise you to find another living situation asap.

 

I know it's rough financially. I pray you are able to find another option. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

If you were a guest in my home, I would ask you not to play with a Ouija board, or do tarot cards, or have a seance, or watch an X-rated movie on the family room TV.

 

OTOH, I would not expect you to go to church with me. And I wouldn't instruct your dc, although if they asked me questions outright, I would probably tell them...whatever they asked about.

 

:iagree:

 

We don't host many guests who would be so bold as to do those things, tho.

 

I'm sorry, OP, that things are so difficult. Hope you can get out soon.

[MollyAnn]

 

Get out. ASAP.

 

Meanwhile, speak to your kids frequently about "crazy grampa! . . . He doesn't think quite straight, and says mean/crazy things . . . but, he's old and his brain isn't working right. Just nod and smile when he says crazy things, and ask me about them in private, and we'll straighten it out. And, of course we don't believe x/y/z, but to be nice to crazy grampa, just pretend and smile . . ."

 

:iagree:

 

Some others have said that this would be disrespectful (or something along those lines) of your step father, I wholeheartedly disagree with that! This man is insane and the last thing you want is any of those ideas taking hold in your children!! Making sure they see him, his beliefs, and the way he makes you live as nuts is probably one of the best thing you can do for kids.

Get out of that house, go see your sister and stay there. Consider taking a page from your step siblings and have nothing to do with your parents!