Jump to content

Menu

Do you impose your religious beliefs on your guests?


Recommended Posts

I'm a bit unhappy right now. Were having to stay with my mom and step dad right now and he's been teaching my youngest his extremist religious beliefs which has me ticked but if I say anything we will be living on the streets so I stay quiet (I seriously disagree with his beliefs) and figure I will work on undoing his teaching once were back on our feet. Just now I was watching "Once Upon A Time" on Netflix and he came in yelling at me "turn that crap off!" dd asked why and he replied with "Its anti-god!" I don't comment or complain about what I consider his garbage radio and TV show choices or his political rants I don't agree with. I'm sick of feeling like I'm walking on thin ice, never know whats going to set him off. It didn't even occur to me it would offend him. If I had the money we would be leaving tonight, I'm just sick of it and his religious beliefs. He expects me to respect his beliefs but he refuses to respect mine. There's a lot more going on but this is a biggie.

 

Do you expect your guests to live by your religious beliefs? I wouldn't be so ticked if he had calmly said "I would prefer you not watch that in my home" instead of being nasty and yelling at me and dd.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, I don't but it would be hard to keep my mouth shut if it was something that seriously offended me.

 

Obviously his attitude wasn't appropriate, but I assume you knew that before you moved in.

 

I would just make my kids unavailable to him by keeping them busy with other things or having them hide out in different parts of the house. It can be harder that you might think to un-doctrinate a person. Once those thoughts are there, no one can take them away. Even things that a person seemingly forgets about, can be resurfaced by a smell or sound.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmm.

 

Yeah, I guess I do, to an extent. I mean, we say grace at meals. Some movies/shows are a no no...not necc for religious reasons, but b/c we deem them inappropriate for our kids, for a myriad of reasons.

 

And, although it hasn't happened, I probably wouldn't be ok w/someone offering my kids religious instruction that contradicts what we're teaching our kids.

 

I wouldn't demand ppl attend church, nor would I give them religious instruction as a captive audience. I would expect that they'd simply respect our home, our parenting decisions, our beliefs as guests in our home.

 

ETA: On further reflection, I'm changing the 'probably wouldn't be ok' to 'wouldn't be ok'. Cause honestly, I think either Wolf or I would likely take flight over *anyone* attempting to give our children religious instruction unless specifically asked by us to do so.

Edited by Impish
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds as though you are living with a man who does not respect you as an adult. I would try to get out pronto. It is not just that he talks to your children about things you don't want them taught but he is yelling at you???

Where is your mother in this equation? Can you inquire about section 8 housing and see if you can become independent again? :grouphug: As to your question of imposing religious beliefs, we pray around the table but otherwise we are trying to be respectful of our guests - after all we want them to be comfortable in our home regardless of a difference in religious or spiritual beliefs.

Edited by Liz CA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes and no....

 

My family is not AT ALL religious....but when they come over, we still pray over dinner. DS's friends are not allowed to say "Oh my God" in the house. My teenagers friends are only allowed to play the "clean" versions of their music in our home. But we don't go forcing beliefs at people or yelling at them.

 

There's a way to say everything respectfully...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, I don't but it would be hard to keep my mouth shut if it was something that seriously offended me.

 

Obviously his attitude wasn't appropriate, but I assume you knew that before you moved in.

 

I would just make my kids unavailable to him by keeping them busy with other things or having them hide out in different parts of the house. It can be harder that you might think to un-doctrinate a person. Once those thoughts are there, no one can take them away. Even things that a person seemingly forgets about, can be resurfaced by a smell or sound.

 

:iagree: I would do my best to stay clear of as much interaction as possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you were a guest in my home, I would ask you not to play with a Ouija board, or do tarot cards, or have a seance, or watch an X-rated movie on the family room TV.

 

OTOH, I would not expect you to go to church with me. And I wouldn't instruct your dc, although if they asked me questions outright, I would probably tell them...whatever they asked about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

a. It doesn't sound like you are really a guest but are living with your parents. That does come with some other baggage. Namely, it is their house, and their television, so in some sense "my house, my rules" does apply.

 

b. It sounds like there is disrespect on both sides towards each other.

 

c. I don't know the circumstances that made it necessary to live with them, but I hope that you can get back on your feet soon and have your own place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We try to be respectful to the strictest conscience in a group. THat seems to have served us well so far as both the "offenders" as well as the more conservative. However, I tend to be non-confrontational and sweet also.

 

We are a mixed religion household with a lot of varying factors. Young children tend to be black and white so we have to be a bit stricter than we normally would be because they seem not to understand nuances as much. We do use the opportunity to evaluate whether we can address their staunch stands or our "looseness" also. Hubby watches A LOT of things I would be appalled if any of the rest of us were exposed to. We used to find other things to do when he did. Technology now allows him to go to his "man cave" for those things. We have a very open door policy though so he comes to us and we go to him for "commercial breaks" (another good thing about technology is that can be whenever you would like). Otherwise, we all, again, go with the strictest conscience which is usually dd19 (though the littles sometimes are).

 

If I lived with my parents, I would be mindful of their needs and desires. I would also, though, set limits in terms of my children. There are enough fairly neutral things within religions that the kids can be taught without it being taken to extremes. I would be careful not to watch an unwanted tv show.

 

On the show thing....If he really believes it is against God, it could *really* hurt his conscience to have that in his house, feeling it adds to his sin, his veil between him and God. I really don't blame him for not wanting stuff he considers wrong on in his house. Think of something more severe and how you would feel. Do you want him feeling even a part of that because of something you've done? It *is* his house. I really could see stopping certain things (No, you can't watch Ghost Whisperer or do Hail Mary in my home!). It isn't to push my will on you. It is simply stopping you from stepping on ME while in my home.

 

I'm not sure I'm making sense. Seriously, I do think you have to put up some boundaries, maybe give him a few key phrases so he can be more appropriate in how he broaches these issues with you as well as be clear about your child. However, I most certainly think you need to respect his religious beliefs in his home.

Edited by 2J5M9K
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not impose my religious values upon a *guest* in my home, though I'd expect that they'd be respectful about mine.

 

On the other hand, someone *living in my home* would be subject to hearing my viewpoint fairly often in the course of home life, and would not be allowed to view programs I disapproved of on *my tv*.

 

I'm sorry for whatever struggles have put you in this situation, but if you're dependent upon your folks and are living in their home, they get to determine what happens there.

:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not impose my religious values upon a *guest* in my home, though I'd expect that they'd be respectful about mine.

 

On the other hand, someone *living in my home* would be subject to hearing my viewpoint fairly often in the course of home life, and would not be allowed to view programs I disapproved of on *my tv*.

 

I'm sorry for whatever struggles have put you in this situation, but if you're dependent upon your folks and are living in their home, they get to determine what happens there.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a bit unhappy right now. Were having to stay with my mom and step dad right now and he's been teaching my youngest his extremist religious beliefs which has me ticked but if I say anything we will be living on the streets so I stay quiet (I seriously disagree with his beliefs) and figure I will work on undoing his teaching once were back on our feet.

 

Honestly, I don't think I would be able to keep quiet about that, even if I lived to regret it later. I won't tolerate anyone trying to push their beliefs on my ds. As has already been posted, I don't think it's that easy to "unteach," especially if your father is telling her scary-sounding stuff. If it's just basic religious info that you don't happen to agree with, it might not be a big deal and you can explain "your way" to her as soon as you're alone with her, but if it's a fire & brimstone kind of thing, that can be very scary to kids, and not just in the short term.

 

Is there any way you can speak privately with your father and ask him to tone down the religious stuff when he's speaking with your dd? I don't know what kind of person he is, but if he let your family move in with him, he couldn't be too bad a guy, right? I mean, it's not exactly convenient to have long term house guests, so I'm hoping that maybe he's just crabby but not really a mean person.

 

As was already asked, does your mom live in the house, or is there someone else who can run some interference for you?

 

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable in your own father's home. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wait.

 

Are you a guest or a resident?

 

I'm with Ellie for a guest.

 

I'm with Jean if you LIVE there.

 

And if you are living there and expects to be treated like a guest? Yeah. I'd be cranky as all get out with you, which might make me have a higher tendency to yell occasionally. I figure in my home, I can discuss anything I want with whoever I want. I wouldn't view that as "teaching" your kid. I'd view it as conversation about opinions.

 

It sounds mostly as though everyone will get along much better with some space.:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe a little bit.

 

For example, we're vegetarians/vegans (not "religious," exactly, since it's not a doctrine of our church, but definitely spiritual). When we have people over for a meal, I serve food that does not have animal products. I would not purchase, prepare or cook meat, because it violates my beliefs.

 

And I would have a really hard time with a guest who wanted to watch a fundamentalist-themed TV program with my kids in the room.

 

But what you describe? No, I don't think I'd behave that way to a guest in my home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds to me like a really bad situation to be living with your step dad.

 

If it were me, I'd get a job, get an apartment (subsidized if needed and available), and get the hell out.

 

If you really would be on the streets, then I can see staying there for a short period while you get your act togegther, but, FWIW, I'd put my kids in school and take public assistance way before I'd want my kids living with someone so disrespectful of me as a person and as a parent. And, just generally an asshat. He sounds nasty and abusive and he is going to wear your sense of yourself down and hurt your kids in lots of ways. Noone should live with that!

 

Get out. ASAP.

 

Meanwhile, speak to your kids frequently about "crazy grampa! . . . He doesn't think quite straight, and says mean/crazy things . . . but, he's old and his brain isn't working right. Just nod and smile when he says crazy things, and ask me about them in private, and we'll straighten it out. And, of course we don't believe x/y/z, but to be nice to crazy grampa, just pretend and smile . . ."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not wait to address the religious thing with your dd. If your stepdad won't back off discussing religious issues with her, I would make sure you are letting her know right away what your beliefs are and how they differ from his, and try to limit his contact with her.

 

As for the other stuff, it doesn't sound like you are a guest. It sounds like you are at least temporarily living with them. That can cause a lot of stress on both sides. Where is your mom in all of this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would never impose my religious beliefs on anyone, even in my own home, even someone living in my home. I impose my ideas of mutual respect on people in my home. :)

 

I agree that you should quietly talk to your kids now about the messages that they are receiving. I missed the age or ages we are talking about but if they can possibly understand I would say, "We have to respect his beliefs and we don't want to start arguments, but I disagree with what he said about X, ok? And here's why... But let's be nice and not argue with him about it ok?"

 

:grouphug: I hope you can move out soon. It sounds like a very uncomfortable and stressful living situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Meanwhile, speak to your kids frequently about "crazy grampa! . . . He doesn't think quite straight, and says mean/crazy things . . . but, he's old and his brain isn't working right. Just nod and smile when he says crazy things, and ask me about them in private, and we'll straighten it out. And, of course we don't believe x/y/z, but to be nice to crazy grampa, just pretend and smile . . ."

Erm...well...

Deliberately denigrating grandpa and teaching kids who are reliant upon his financial support to condescend doesn't sound like it would be good for anyone.

 

Either respect the man's home and his place in it, or leave, but don't stay, take the benefits, and be disrespectful about his choices within his own home. :001_huh:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not impose my religious values upon a *guest* in my home, though I'd expect that they'd be respectful about mine.

 

On the other hand, someone *living in my home* would be subject to hearing my viewpoint fairly often in the course of home life, and would not be allowed to view programs I disapproved of on *my tv*.

 

I'm sorry for whatever struggles have put you in this situation, but if you're dependent upon your folks and are living in their home, they get to determine what happens there.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:If you're living there on your parents' dime...you're not a guest. I'd grit my teeth and do my best to get out ASAP.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would never impose my religious beliefs on anyone, even in my own home, even someone living in my home. I impose my ideas of mutual respect on people in my home. :)

 

I agree that you should quietly talk to your kids now about the messages that they are receiving. I missed the age or ages we are talking about but if they can possibly understand I would say, "We have to respect his beliefs and we don't want to start arguments, but I disagree with what he said about X, ok? And here's why... But let's be nice and not argue with him about it ok?"

 

:grouphug: I hope you can move out soon. It sounds like a very uncomfortable and stressful living situation.

 

While I agree with you that I wouldn't do that either, the problem is that the OP can't make her stepdad comply with that rule in his own house.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish we had room to stay away but its not possible, if your not busy working on something (cleaning, chores ect) he gets irritated as he expects everybody to work from sun up to sun down then gets irritated when you can't get it all done on top of HS'ing/parenting/housekeeping. They asked us to move out of state with them and we were supposed to leave within 2 weeks of moving in with them, but we would have all been busy so we wouldn't be to trapped together (10 acre mini farm). They ran into some issues with the new place being built and now its looking like its going to be a couple months before we can go. They wanted us to stay with them so I could save money and buy our own home in the area up there which is what I wanted. I had NO IDEA he was like this, I didn't know him all that well as my mom married him a few years ago and we didn't get together often. My mother has no voice in this and just says do what he wants as their beliefs say a woman has no say, the man makes all the decisions.:glare:

 

I am just so frustrated, we don't even have real beds to sleep on! My back/body is killing me sleeping on a blow up mattress (they wont allow ANY furniture in saying they are trying to move), they expect everything to be kept neat and organized but we don't even have a closet or a dresser. Last week it finally occurred to me to rearrange the garage so I can get into our dressers to use them at least because they were annoyed with the baskets of laundry. Were on a gluten free diet and I can;t even use there dishes because the dishwasher doesn't get them clean enough and I kept getting gluttened which sucks. It also means we have our own cookware and baking supplies which are sitting in boxes in the living room because "there is no room in the kitchen" despite all of there stuff supposedly having been packed and placed on the truck and every day I have to drag it out, cook and repack it. I don't feel we live here. If we lived here we would have a place for our clothes in the house like they do, I would have at least a shelf to safely store our GF stuff. Step dad does not get it that yes your hand that touched your bread then picked up the squeeze bottle of mustard contaminates the thing and next time "I" touch it then touch my food that trace amount makes me sick so yes, I need my own bottle thats clearly labeled. I can't keep anything in their fridge either because it all gets cross contaminated so I make a ton of trips to the garage every day and wind my way to the back to get to my fridge. Mom understands, he either doesn't or doesn't care as he keeps contaminating anything thats out, and were getting sick. dd12 learned the hard way to only get food from our fridge, she grabbed some lunch meat from their fridge and got a good reminder why those with celiac can't eat gluten:( He stuck his hand in it after getting bread, it was cross contaminated.

 

We just feel totally unwelcomed when they asked us to come with them since they didn't want their grandchildren to grow up without them since they were moving 1000 miles away. (his kids want nothing to do with him, I thought it was over marrying my mother, now I'm rethinking it) we were struggling to make it and this was supposed to be our chance to get out of poverty but its turning out to come with some pretty big strings I didn't know about.

 

oh, just to clarify, it wasn't their TV, it was ours, computer actually and yes I help pay the electric bill that runs it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, you need to decide what is important to you as a Mom and human being.

 

Having integrity and age appropriate autonomy would be my first priority, and I would not consider continuing to be in a co living situation with this person and your Mom.

 

Given the additional info :iagree:. And I would seriously rethink moving with them. That would just keep you under his thumb. I can understand not wanting to be that far from your mom, but are you willing to have your kids grow up like that just to be near her?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Erm...well...

Deliberately denigrating grandpa and teaching kids who are reliant upon his financial support to condescend doesn't sound like it would be good for anyone.

 

Either respect the man's home and his place in it, or leave, but don't stay, take the benefits, and be disrespectful about his choices within his own home. :001_huh:

 

Yeah. Not exactly a nice example of respect there.

 

Time to leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the additional info about your situation. It sounds like you were blindsided, and things are not at all as you expected them to be. :grouphug:

 

It also sounds like you won't be getting any emotional support from your mom if you confront your stepfather, which makes me :ack2: especially when her dh's incredibly careless (or possibly intentional, for all you know) behavior in the kitchen is making you and your family sick from the gluten exposure.

 

Your stepfather sounds rude, clueless, controlling, and unpleasant. I don't care what your agreement is with your mom and stepdad; I would do whatever it took to get out of there, even if you have to live in a ratty old camper out in the driveway.

 

Seriously.

 

I know finances are tight, but your family's sanity and health both need to come first.

 

I'm sorry you feel like you're stuck there.

 

And FWIW, I am even angrier with your mom than I am with your stepfather. He's just a jerk that you don't know very well. She is your MOM. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for not standing up for you and your family! For crying out loud, you're getting physically ill as a result of her idiot husband. She should be LIVID. :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a bit unhappy right now. Were having to stay with my mom and step dad right now and he's been teaching my youngest his extremist religious beliefs which has me ticked but if I say anything we will be living on the streets so I stay quiet (I seriously disagree with his beliefs) and figure I will work on undoing his teaching once were back on our feet. Just now I was watching "Once Upon A Time" on Netflix and he came in yelling at me "turn that crap off!" dd asked why and he replied with "Its anti-god!" I don't comment or complain about what I consider his garbage radio and TV show choices or his political rants I don't agree with. I'm sick of feeling like I'm walking on thin ice, never know whats going to set him off. It didn't even occur to me it would offend him. If I had the money we would be leaving tonight, I'm just sick of it and his religious beliefs. He expects me to respect his beliefs but he refuses to respect mine. There's a lot more going on but this is a biggie.

 

Do you expect your guests to live by your religious beliefs? I wouldn't be so ticked if he had calmly said "I would prefer you not watch that in my home" instead of being nasty and yelling at me and dd.

 

 

Trying to indoctrinate your children is crossing a major line.

 

You are living there, though, not a guest. In that instance, I could see requesting that you not watch certain things or bring certain things into their home. I could even see having to participate in meal prayer time or listen to his opinions on religion, but once a person tries to feed their hook, line and sinker to my kid -- all niceties are off. It is not their kid to indoctrinate.

 

I would draw some very quick, very firm boundaries about what he tells your kids.

 

This is one of those "hills I would die on," too. I'd rather be living in my car with my kid than allowing some nutter to spiritually abuse my child.

Edited by Audrey
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It would take some seriously bad situation for me to ever consider living *near* my mother. I would honestly live out of my car with my kids before before living *with* my mother. She constantly says she wishes we were closer so she could just teach my kids "the truth" herself.

 

When we visit, every few years, i let some things go, but put my foot down on others. The things i do not allow, i also "blame" on myself by telling her that i'm just not ready for x.

 

My mother is completely clueless about my beliefs (or lack of) and that i'm teaching my kids the same.

 

You need to get out. You are living there and have to put up with it. I get the show/movie issue; my mother will bring a prayer group into her house to bless it if she even *thinks* we watched something other than her christian shows and this includes things on my laptop.

 

It is honestly scary to be around my mother and i always plan trips last minute so she can't get off of work. I know this sounds mean, but advance planning lets her take off work and it puts her out of her normal routine. We visit and just try to blend in a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... just says do what he wants as their beliefs say a woman has no say, the man makes all the decisions.:glare:

 

 

This would make me leave now. Today. No way in hell would I allow my dd to live with a man who believed this BS. Contact your county emergency services and get out. You can get housing, utility assistance, help with tuition to get yourself to school so you can get a good paying job. You can also get food assistance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do I expect them to live by my religious beliefs? No. But, I expect them while in my house to respect them. examples: don't take the name of the Lord in vain, be quiet during prayer (if you're around for it), don't bring movies/cd's into my house that disrespect my family's values, and don't interfere in how we are raising our children, spiritually, mind, body etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, you need to decide what is important to you as a Mom and human being.

 

Having integrity and age appropriate autonomy would be my first priority, and I would not consider continuing to be in a co living situation with this person and your Mom.

 

 

You have no idea how right you are, I woke up this morning after some weird dreams and it was daylight and I wanted to get up and I couldn't because my mom wasn't up yet, she doesn't get up until the dog wakes her up wanting food and potty around 6am but it was quiet so I stayed there and your post came to me and the situation irritated me. I finally got up and wondered if they got up early and went outside for coffee but it turned out the dog had just slept in so my mom did too but it kinda pointed out to me how I don't have any autonomy because I'm not allowed up before she feeds/potties the dog because it will get the dog up if I get up before they want to get up. We can't take showers until they start them at 6:30pm (I would prefer to shower in the morning honestly as it wakes me up) because I " might not dry the shower right" (every inch of the shower must be towel dried completely after showering), I have to ask permission to do anything around here from the kids playing outside to cooking, to laundry. I get money on the first, I think I will go visit my sister (who is also gluten free, kids are not but they will happily eat GF) for a long while, at least I KNOW what she's like and whats expected. I'm more worried about her neighbors then her:lol: She was in a bad situation when she moved there and was able to quickly find work and get on her feet. Only thing that sucks is I will end up living in the city and I hate city life:(

 

ETA: Sister/best friend has been trying to get me to move there for almost a year since she got there and has been bugging me to come and even offered me a babysitting job watching her kids which doesn't pay a lot but it would be something so not a surprise visit.

Edited by BlueTaelon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This would make me leave now. Today. No way in hell would I allow my dd to live with a man who believed this BS. Contact your county emergency services and get out. You can get housing, utility assistance, help with tuition to get yourself to school so you can get a good paying job. You can also get food assistance.

 

 

I agee with Chucki! Seriously, this is NOT the message I would want my dd to get.

 

Also, let me warn you, I've been around this kind of fundamentalist attitude before...the extreme end...women have no say, we don't have to respect you as a person because we are right and you are a heathen, it's our responsibility to educate your child and you will shut up and let us do it, etc. My cousin visited a relative for three days (was supposed to be a week) and left on day three when our uncle, whom we had no idea was this fanatical, grabbed their 2 year old dd and tried to "spank her" (he had his belt off when cousin's dh basically tackled him) because she cried and "crying" is sin.

 

They instantly left...went to the room, grabbed their stuff, and left with this nut case's parting shot being, 'My house, my rules. I have the Bible behind me and I'll beat the Jesus into any kid in my house whenever I deem fit!" My aunt just sat there looking morose because she didn't have a say in anything.

 

OP, because you feel like you have to take it and he knows he has you in a tight spot, his behavior will escalate. This isn't even a religious issue. It is a fantaticism issue. Fanatics can't be reasoned with and they are d*mn certain they are right. I am afraid that at some point your dd will be told her celiac disease is a result of "sin" which is why he does not care one lick if you get sick in his home from his carelessness...he thinks you deserve it, and it is likely that the longer you are there, the greater his fanaticism will become. He thinks he has a captive audience.

 

Normally, I'm of the...if you live (not a guest but a resident) in someone's home, then it is their home and you kind of have to go along. But, this is beyond reason and it's dangerous to you and your children's health and well being, both physical and mental. He WILL step up his abuse. I am certain of it.

 

So, my advice is the same as Parrotthead's wise words. Go into the nearest county seat, find the social service department and start applying for anything and everything you qualify for and then begin checking bulletin boards for rentals that might be in your price range. For the time being, if you can buy a used, large tent on craigslist or a pop-up camper or something, I would literally live in the yard and not inside his house because the more physical distance you can put between he and the children, the better. Likely, he can't be bothered to come harass you too much in the tent and since you already sleep on an air mattress, you might at least have a place to go and sit privately with your children.

 

Faith

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not impose my religious values upon a *guest* in my home, though I'd expect that they'd be respectful about mine.

 

On the other hand, someone *living in my home* would be subject to hearing my viewpoint fairly often in the course of home life, and would not be allowed to view programs I disapproved of on *my tv*.

 

I'm sorry for whatever struggles have put you in this situation, but if you're dependent upon your folks and are living in their home, they get to determine what happens there.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Trying to indoctrinate your children is crossing a major line.

 

You are living there, though, not a guest. In that instance, I could see requesting that you not watch certain things or bring certain things into their home. I could even see having to participate in meal prayer time or listen to his opinions on religion, but once a person tries to feed their hook, line and sinker to my kid -- all niceties are off. It is not their kid to indoctrinate.

 

I would draw some very quick, very firm boundaries about what he tells your kids.

 

This is one of those "hills I would die on," too. I'd rather be living in my car with my kid than allowing some nutter to spiritually abuse my child.

 

If I had someone living in my home that dissagreed with my beliefs, I would still expect them to be respectful enough of my beliefs and my home that they wouldn't watch shows or bring things into the house that I disagree with. I would expect them to be respectful enough that they'd join in during meal prayers since we would all be together at that time.

I would not expect them to sit by happily while I teach their children my beliefs. Even if the child asked questions I would do my best to answer in a tactful way that would not trample the mothers beliefs. It's NOT my job to teach their child. It's not my right to teach their child, and if I tried to teach their child, I'd expect them to get fairly upset with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think there needs to be a balance when hosting guests of a different faith (or more/less devout of the same faith).

 

The host should try to accommodate dietary restrictions of the guest by making sure there are "safe" options, but the guest should not comment on the host's consumption of items taboo in the guest's faith (pork, alcohol, etc.)

 

With screen media, I think it's fine to politely ask the guest to not watch a program offensive to the host on the host's TV. But if the guest wants to watch it on a personal device like an iPad or laptop with headphones, that should be acceptable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you just leave during the day? Get up and head to the library for the day. Go to the park. Shower at the YMCA or someplace similar. Go to the laundromat to wash a load of laundry. Spend your time visiting social services agencies and see what you can qualify for, put your name on waiting lists for Section 8, subsidized housing, whatever is available. Find things to do that don't require you to be home. Don't come home until the end of the day. I'd maybe even consider putting my children in public school temporarily just so they'd have a safe, consistent place to be during the day. In the meantime, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of moving with them or staying one day longer than absolutely necessary. I understand that you're in a really tough spot, but as an adult and as a parent, I'd be doing everything humanly possible to change my situation ASAP. Saving up to buy a house seems a little bit like putting the cart before the horse at this point, IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you look into campgrounds? Tents don't cost much and the cost to stay is usually pretty low. You'd have to rent a storage facility for all your furniture, but then you'd have a place to stay without your stepdad causing problems. I wouldn't leave your furniture at the house because it sounds like he'd decide he needed to destroy it or get rid of it.

 

I don't know what state you are in. In Texas, now is perfect for camping because the weather is finally cooling off.

 

I definitely wouldn't plan on moving with them. I'd figure out what area I wanted to live in and then try to find some way to get there and some kind of place to live (even if it is a tent on campgrounds).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish we had room to stay away but its not possible, if your not busy working on something (cleaning, chores ect) he gets irritated as he expects everybody to work from sun up to sun down then gets irritated when you can't get it all done on top of HS'ing/parenting/housekeeping. They asked us to move out of state with them and we were supposed to leave within 2 weeks of moving in with them, but we would have all been busy so we wouldn't be to trapped together (10 acre mini farm). They ran into some issues with the new place being built and now its looking like its going to be a couple months before we can go. They wanted us to stay with them so I could save money and buy our own home in the area up there which is what I wanted. I had NO IDEA he was like this, I didn't know him all that well as my mom married him a few years ago and we didn't get together often. My mother has no voice in this and just says do what he wants as their beliefs say a woman has no say, the man makes all the decisions.:glare:

 

I am just so frustrated, we don't even have real beds to sleep on! My back/body is killing me sleeping on a blow up mattress (they wont allow ANY furniture in saying they are trying to move), they expect everything to be kept neat and organized but we don't even have a closet or a dresser. Last week it finally occurred to me to rearrange the garage so I can get into our dressers to use them at least because they were annoyed with the baskets of laundry. Were on a gluten free diet and I can;t even use there dishes because the dishwasher doesn't get them clean enough and I kept getting gluttened which sucks. It also means we have our own cookware and baking supplies which are sitting in boxes in the living room because "there is no room in the kitchen" despite all of there stuff supposedly having been packed and placed on the truck and every day I have to drag it out, cook and repack it. I don't feel we live here. If we lived here we would have a place for our clothes in the house like they do, I would have at least a shelf to safely store our GF stuff. Step dad does not get it that yes your hand that touched your bread then picked up the squeeze bottle of mustard contaminates the thing and next time "I" touch it then touch my food that trace amount makes me sick so yes, I need my own bottle thats clearly labeled. I can't keep anything in their fridge either because it all gets cross contaminated so I make a ton of trips to the garage every day and wind my way to the back to get to my fridge. Mom understands, he either doesn't or doesn't care as he keeps contaminating anything thats out, and were getting sick. dd12 learned the hard way to only get food from our fridge, she grabbed some lunch meat from their fridge and got a good reminder why those with celiac can't eat gluten:( He stuck his hand in it after getting bread, it was cross contaminated.

 

We just feel totally unwelcomed when they asked us to come with them since they didn't want their grandchildren to grow up without them since they were moving 1000 miles away. (his kids want nothing to do with him, I thought it was over marrying my mother, now I'm rethinking it) we were struggling to make it and this was supposed to be our chance to get out of poverty but its turning out to come with some pretty big strings I didn't know about.

 

oh, just to clarify, it wasn't their TV, it was ours, computer actually and yes I help pay the electric bill that runs it.

Get out NOW! This man has bigger issues and it will just get worse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, with the further information you supplied, this isn't about religious beliefs as such but about abuse. Living in a safe and healthy place is so much more important than whether you like city or country life.

:iagree:wholeheartedly. You and your kids need to leave ASAP. Today. If you can't get to county services on a Sunday get to the nearest women's shelter. You and your children are in an abusive domestic relationship. Your children need you to protect them now.

Edited by Parrothead
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have no idea how right you are, I woke up this morning after some weird dreams and it was daylight and I wanted to get up and I couldn't because my mom wasn't up yet, she doesn't get up until the dog wakes her up wanting food and potty around 6am but it was quiet so I stayed there and your post came to me and the situation irritated me. I finally got up and wondered if they got up early and went outside for coffee but it turned out the dog had just slept in so my mom did too but it kinda pointed out to me how I don't have any autonomy because I'm not allowed up before she feeds/potties the dog because it will get the dog up if I get up before they want to get up. We can't take showers until they start them at 6:30pm (I would prefer to shower in the morning honestly as it wakes me up) because I " might not dry the shower right" (every inch of the shower must be towel dried completely after showering), I have to ask permission to do anything around here from the kids playing outside to cooking, to laundry. I get money on the first, I think I will go visit my sister (who is also gluten free, kids are not but they will happily eat GF) for a long while, at least I KNOW what she's like and whats expected. I'm more worried about her neighbors then her:lol: She was in a bad situation when she moved there and was able to quickly find work and get on her feet. Only thing that sucks is I will end up living in the city and I hate city life:(

 

ETA: Sister/best friend has been trying to get me to move there for almost a year since she got there and has been bugging me to come and even offered me a babysitting job watching her kids which doesn't pay a lot but it would be something so not a surprise visit.

 

Why do you have to wait until the 1st? Can she help get you there now and you can pay her back on the 1st?

 

Yes, with the further information you supplied, this isn't about religious beliefs as such but about abuse. Living in a safe and healthy place is so much more important than whether you like city or country life.

 

:iagree: The more you post, the more I think you need to get out of there NOW. And don't tell him or your mom that you are leaving, that will only give him a chance to escalate. If he truly feels he needs to "save" your kids, who knows what he might do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you just leave during the day? Get up and head to the library for the day. Go to the park. Shower at the YMCA or someplace similar. Go to the laundromat to wash a load of laundry. Spend your time visiting social services agencies and see what you can qualify for, put your name on waiting lists for Section 8, subsidized housing, whatever is available. Find things to do that don't require you to be home. Don't come home until the end of the day. I'd maybe even consider putting my children in public school temporarily just so they'd have a safe, consistent place to be during the day. In the meantime, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of moving with them or staying one day longer than absolutely necessary. I understand that you're in a really tough spot, but as an adult and as a parent, I'd be doing everything humanly possible to change my situation ASAP. Saving up to buy a house seems a little bit like putting the cart before the horse at this point, IMO.

 

 

He leaves Tuesday morning, the next 2 days he will spend the day making sure his load is balanced and all that, I can make sure were not around. I can deal with my mom once he's gone. The plan had been to save up to buy a house, I know thats not going to happen because we can't deal with him. This has to be planned out so we don't go from bad to worse poverty wise because we had to leave everything behind due to lack of room in the car. I can afford to move to my sisters on the 1st, we can deal with 2 weeks of my mom setting the schedule for everything and she does listen to my input when he's not involved in it. I already applied for assistance and I know whats available, section 8 is closed and has been for a long time (yes, I was on the phone with them last week). We will be fine but everyone's input helped me realize that its not just me being an ungrateful wretch but that the man really is over the line. His behavior is totally normal within their beliefs and not something I ever really thought about or realized the extent of until I was thrown into the middle of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kind of I guess.

There's a Bible in the living room. We have religious art work in the dining room. We have a religious statue in the living room. There are crucifixes in every bedroom. We say grace before eating meals; while I do not ask guests to pray with us, I do assume they will be respectful - and I've never been disappointed. We have no Catholic friends, but all guests have always sat respectfully (even my atheist best friend) while we say grace.

 

I would not allow a guest to tell my children our faith is wrong and *why* theirs is "right". I would not allow a television show, where our children can see and hear, that I didn't agree with (that's general parenting though, not necessarily "religious" boundaries). I asked my bonus mom once to save her questioning and comments about the Catholic faith for AFTER my children had left the room (she was sitting in on a catechism lesson during the school day).

 

So, yes, I guess I do?

 

ETA: after reading the comments I agree that your stepfather is a bit of a nut job and that this has little to do with religious beliefs and guest imposition; more to do with emotional abuse. Hugs :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...