Do you let your kids win?

[Nestof3]

For many, the point of playing catch is to improve the person's catching skills which means they have to be able to catch even balls not thrown to them. My point is, you ease up to blasting the ball at them. We pretended so often when the boys were young that we couldn't see them under the blankie or behind the chair. We would say, 'Where's Ben?" "Oh, there he is." We never said, "Ben, we know you're behind the chair." That's my point.

 

It's funny that we have the same philosophy but don't think it's really contingent on game-playing. We will have to disagree that a person improves more quickly if they lose every time. Easing up when playing a game is not the same thing at all as letting a child win every time thinking he is game genius.

 

I agree that some people are better at things than others. This does, though, influence our hobbies and interests. I have pathetic hand-eye coordination. I have no desire to play golf. Or volleyball for that matter. Sure, I go play miniature golf sometimes with the kids, and I'll play badminton with my kids, but you will never see me playing with serious players because I wouldn't enjoy it at all. Family games should be enjoyable to all, and I just like them to be that way. Playing Trivia Pursuit with a person who rolls again endlessly is both discouraging and not any fun. So, we adults will limit our roll agains or something like that. Most games involve none of what I am talking about. My husband plays Labyrinth, Settlers of Catan, Blockus, Mastermind, etc. with no handicap. But there have been games we've eased up on in order for them to be more enjoyable. I truly doubt it's turning them into people with an entitlement mentality. It goes so violently against our ethics in every area of life.

 

My kids have never enjoyed losing over and over again, and I don't think I would enjoy it either. People are clearly different.

 

Well, no, because the entire point of catch is to throw it so that the other person can throw it. So if you throw it too hard, you both lose. I don't think that's the same at all. I don'tknow about hide and seek, we never played that.

 

Anyway, my kids never minded. And you improve much more quickly when you lose than when you win, because you see what works and what doesn't. So they quickly gain enough skill to beat us at least some of the time (if not always. :D) We never really play games of chance, because those seem pointless to me.

 

I think it's part of our views overall, though. We teach them - through this and in other ways - that there are people who are better at certain things, that things don't need to be equal and fair, etc. The results show up in the kind of people they are now as they become young adults, and I think we definitely made the right choice. My little guy and I play this game, not even sure what it's called, where you have to move pieces around and match them to the pieces on cubes you rolled. I beat him every single time. He loves it, and he begs me to play it over and over (instead of the Wii even.) And you should see him at sports practice. That kid will get up over and over and over, as other boys are (literally :001_huh:) crying, and face someone bigger than him and get beat. And each time, he improves his strategy or tries harder. I will never worry about life knocking him down.

 

Oddly enough, we are very non-competitive about life in general. We have taught our dc that we always put others first, that we don't try to better anyone, etc. But within our family or with friends, when it comes to games for recration, you give it your honest best try.

[Nestof3]

My kids HATE playing games with Grandma. She ALWAYS lets them win. It isn't fun anymore

 

Maybe they could tell her they want to win on their own merit. They could explain to her that they don't enjoy it that way. I'm sure she would understand.

[Julie Smith]

I guess I don't understand why parents would play games with their kids knowing they will cream them every time. Do kids actually enjoy that? Or do you only play games of chance?

 

Because the games are fun.

 

Also you can have different objectives. Maybe get X amount of points, or accomplish Y goal, capture a certain amount of someones pieces, ...

 

Early in the thread I listed all the games one or both of my kids played this month. I think maybe one of them won twice, and the other won one.

 

It's doesn't have to be about who wins or loses, but having fun and enjoying yourself and accomplishing personal goals.

 

For example I run, it's not like I win a race, or even get in the top three or even top ten for my age group - but I still like to run. You get to chat and visit with people. You get fresh air, you get to see the scenery go by. I also sometimes accomplish personal goals such as making it through the whole 5.5Km without having to be dragged back to the store, or finishing 6 fun runs in a row.

 

Do I feel bad about losing, "no". I do find it funny in a making fun of myself way when I come home from running club all braggin about being able to run with person Y the whole time. Then have to admit that person Y is 68 years old. :)

 

I do let my kids win sometimes. But I don't let them win and think I tired my best. For example one game of Zombies was dragging out. I said, "My new goal is to end the game as quickly as possibly regardless of who wins". I may have lost the game, but I did accomplish my goal. (But not nearly as quickly as I would have liked)

[The Girls' Mom]

I play Scrabble with my DH. We have been married over 10 years now and we have played the game together more than 100 times. I have only beaten him once. And I'm pretty sure it's because he purposely didn't play words that would have won him the game-so the victory is tainted because I don't think I really won. And yet I still play it with him. I have no idea why. I know I'm going to lose, I hate strategy games in general, so why do I keep playing that same game against him??? :confused:

 

Same here, but 20 years. I've won once, and I kept the score sheet :lol: (sadly, he was on painkillers, so alas my win is also tainted)

[Rhonda in TX]

I play to win, but I'm not as hardcore as when I'm playing somebody at the same skill level. When they were younger, I did let them win, but now they're old enough to handle it. Or they should be. :)

 

DD gets upset because I always beat her at Words with Friends. I tell her, "Honey, I'm 45 years old, have played this game more than you, have a bigger vocabulary than you, and have been more exposed to life than you. I should beat you every time."

[Georgiana Daniels]

When the kids were much younger we let them win. But now.....now they're out for blood and it's every person for themselves!

[Nestof3]

Yes, many games are fun regardless of whether the person wins. Hands Down is one of those games. In our family, though, no one really enjoys some games if he or she always loses (or rarely gets a turn as in the various trivia pursuit games we own). I personally don't find winning a game to be the most important thing, but I am more competitive against peers or my husband. He's the same way. Perhaps this again is a difference in personalities.

 

That reminds me, we have cooperative game called Forbidden Island where you work together as a team. We all enjoy it. Also, when we play teams, I play with one of the boys and my husband plays with the other. We set it up so the teams are even so to speak. Of course, even that will be unnecessary soon.

 

I will admit that Nathan beats me at checkers. I just don't like games like that - they stress me out with so many options. :lol:

 

My husband is playing a Mario race against the boys, and it's pretty clear he is discouraged that he always comes in last. ;)

 

Because the games are fun.

 

Also you can have different objectives. Maybe get X amount of points, or accomplish Y goal, capture a certain amount of someones pieces, ...

 

Early in the thread I listed all the games one or both of my kids played this month. I think maybe one of them won twice, and the other won one.

 

It's doesn't have to be about who wins or loses, but having fun and enjoying yourself and accomplishing personal goals.

 

For example I run, it's not like I win a race, or even get in the top three or even top ten for my age group - but I still like to run. You get to chat and visit with people. You get fresh air, you get to see the scenery go by. I also sometimes accomplish personal goals such as making it through the whole 5.5Km without having to be dragged back to the store, or finishing 6 fun runs in a row.

 

Do I feel bad about losing, "no". I do find it funny in a making fun of myself way when I come home from running club all braggin about being able to run with person Y the whole time. Then have to admit that person Y is 68 years old. :)

 

I do let my kids win sometimes. But I don't let them win and think I tired my best. For example one game of Zombies was dragging out. I said, "My new goal is to end the game as quickly as possibly regardless of who wins". I may have lost the game, but I did accomplish my goal. (But not nearly as quickly as I would have liked)

[Nestof3]

Same here, but 20 years. I've won once, and I kept the score sheet :lol: (sadly, he was on painkillers, so alas my win is also tainted)

 

My husband and I used to play Scrabble together, but I was always the winner. He would squash me in chess, though. We stopped playing against one another and instead starting playing against Mavin (the opponent in the computer game) as a team. It was more enjoyable overall.

[Julie Smith]

Same here, but 20 years. I've won once, and I kept the score sheet :lol: (sadly, he was on painkillers, so alas my win is also tainted)

 

I'm not the best game player. But I am better than average. In highschool I use to play Castle Risk with my friends. The house rule was "Julie can't kill anyone in the first X minutes of the game."

 

I lost one game, out of maybe 100. My friend who beats me still brags on it. :)

 

Another game I was playing with a friend, Twilight Imperium 2nd edition. I had rotten luck. Every planet I explored had plaques on it, or something equally awful. Everything that could go against me, did go against me ... I was in a very, very bad state. But my friend was all scared I was just doing some sneaky strategy (I'm known for them) and would at any minute attack him and win.

 

He was so worried about defending from me. (Who didn't have a single war ship) that he ignored his neighbor who attacked him. He was destroyed. When this happened I managed to get to a better place game wise.

 

We play games here a lot, often with other people - usually 4 adults to a game. I would say I win about 85% of the time. My dear hubby wins maybe 1 game in 30. But he still likes to play. :)

 

We still share stories and reminisce about certain games. That is part of the fun, "Mom, please tell me that story again when Daddy beat you at Age of Mythology". or "Tell me again about that game you never knew the name of since it was explained to you in french, and you still manged to beat Jason".

 

I think it comes down, that for us being able to play is it's own reward.

 

(PS. I do win most of the time, but not when we play against certain people. I always like playing with them to see how they do it and bring the game up a few notches.)

[mommymilkies]

I should have picked sometimes. When they are little, I will cheat to lose at things like Candyland. I also do it to end super long games! I can't stand 4 hour long Monopoly games.

[mommymilkies]

Same here, but 20 years. I've won once, and I kept the score sheet :lol: (sadly, he was on painkillers, so alas my win is also tainted)

 

:lol: dh and I have different strategies for games. When we play scrabble, he is out for blood. He plays only high scoring words and puts words places to block me. I, however, play for fun. I try to do obscure and usually low scoring words because I like words. Needless to say, I always lose. I don't even play games with him anymore because sportsmanship is not his strong suit and it gets tedious to lose all of the time.

[happypamama]

Sometimes. I only lose at Memory when I choose to do so.

 

I do purposely lose a game, or manipulate a game to help someone, if I feel that there's a gross disparency in the abilities of the people playing. I don't purposely lose if everyone's pretty evenly matched and therefore happy, and I think it's good for kids to learn to be gracious when both winning and not winning. But nobody likes to lose all the time, so I try to avoid games I can't manipulate even a little to help a younger or less experienced player.

 

I will also admit that I intentionally folded a really fantastic hand during a poker game a couple of weeks ago, in order to let one of my children (who hadn't won a single hand all night and who had been dealt a bunch of lousy cards most of the other hands) win. ;)

[Tasia]

We adapt the games to make them fair for everyone. Even games like chess, Dh only allows himself 5-10 seconds to make a move, while the boys have as much time as they want. It keeps the game moving. The boys do this with each other too.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Never. And my dc love it, because when they *do* beat me, it means something. :D

 

:iagree:

 

 

I am feeling pretty cruel after reading this thread. I do not ever lose on purpose. It is not that I am uber competitive, but I just think it is healthy and good for kids to realize they have to work to win. I *do* give strategy tips though. If a child is going to play a very bad move or is a really new player I try to slip in some instruction.

[DarlaS]

Sometimes. And it mostly depends on the game and how long I want it to continue (I'll admit that. :D).

[songsparrow]

I have let my kids win, but found that I didn't enjoy the games nearly as much that way (no challenge), but I also know my kids would quickly tire of playing games with me if they never won. I think that everyone should enjoy the game. So now I use a handicap system. This is actually quite common when players with mismatched experience play chess or go, to even the playing field yet keep both players challenged. For example, in Scrabble I'll give my 8 year old double points. She often wins as a result, but I can still enjoy the challenge of finding high-scoring words myself.

[Laurie4b]

Depends on the age of the kid. I lost all games of Candyland and their ilk. :001_smile: I actually enjoyed losing all those silly games. It made their little two and three year old selves so darn happy that it was fun.

 

 

DH is really the game player, and both boys adore games. When DH was just introducing them into the world of older person games he would often let them win a couple times to let them get the hang of playing. Now it's not an issue. They have a very healthy relationship with competition and are very good winners and losers.

 

DH and the boys play games for hours.

 

I confess to brazenly cheating at Candyland so that the kid wins quickly any time I play with any kid (my youngest is now 14). It was not for their sake, but for mine. I like a nice fast game of Candyland ! :D

[Jpoy85]

Sometimes I let them win but sometimes C actually does win! Especially at UNO. She can seriously beat me!

[ebunny]

There's a learning curve in some strategy/skill based board games. For the first few times, I give guidance while playing, but I'm still playing to win, IYKWIM. Within the first few weeks, she's learned the ropes and all bets are off.:D

[IsabelC]

I might, occasionally, not quite try my absolute hardest.

 

But generally, I'm not in favor of letting kids win.

 

If it's a game of chance, they are going to win sometimes anyway.

If it's a game of skill and I always win, we can either have a handicap of some kind, or I can help them, or we can play in teams (eg dh and ds vs me and the girls).

We also do non competitive games sometimes (or modify games to be non competitive).

 

If the child wins occasionally, it's satisfying for him/her to see how their skills are developing as they start to win more often.

 

Plus kids need to learn how to win and lose graciously.

 

And I think it can be patronizing to kids to let them win on purpose. I still remember how annoyed I felt as a kid when my dear lovely grandmother used to 'reverse cheat' to make me win at cards. I felt that she thought I was either too stupid to win or too immature to lose nicely.

[swellmomma]

I play to win. My kids know it, they push harder and when they win they are so proud because they know it was a real win.

[swellmomma]

:iagree:

 

 

I am feeling pretty cruel after reading this thread. I do not ever lose on purpose. It is not that I am uber competitive, but I just think it is healthy and good for kids to realize they have to work to win. I *do* give strategy tips though. If a child is going to play a very bad move or is a really new player I try to slip in some instruction.

 

I do this too. I do the *throat clear* point and stage whisper to give hints or tips. Or I say "man I shouldn't have done xyz, now you are going to abc" as a way to give a hint, but I never ever throw a game. And I do a victory dance when I win, which the kids think is hilarious to see.

[Audrey]

When teaching the game and then for several learning rounds I take a dive.

 

 

This.

[angela in ohio]

I am feeling pretty cruel after reading this thread. I do not ever lose on purpose. It is not that I am uber competitive, but I just think it is healthy and good for kids to realize they have to work to win. I *do* give strategy tips though. If a child is going to play a very bad move or is a really new player I try to slip in some instruction.

 

This is pretty much what we do, too. Like a pp said, we do the throat clear, too. :lol: My little guy watches my face when we play a family game and says he can see it when someone is about to do something dumb. :D

 

The work to win point is it exactly. I don't want dc who expect to be good at or win something without first gaining the skill to do so, in games or in life.

[Meriwether]

The kids have to earn a win at anything they want to play after age 4 or 5. I lose at Candyland, not always, but often. I lose at Monopoly, Jr. (I encourage the kids to pull my property instead of a sib's) most of the time. Catan (which the kids play as young as 5), Clue, Canasta, Dutch Blitz, Shadows over Camelot, Mexican Train, and all the other games that the kids can play now and will want to play in the future are played to win.

[kiana]

I'd rather give a handicap than play to lose.

[Garga]

Let them win until about 7 years old. But once they're 8, all bets are off. I play to win.

 

I make sure to play games with them that they have a chance of winning at age 8. Sure, they lose a lot at first, but it gives them motivation, and their victory is all the sweeter when they honestly win.

 

By the time they're 8, they start to realize when you're throwing the game.

 

I had a babysitter when I was 8 play a board game with me. She was a sweet older woman with grey hair. She let me win, but I could tell she was doing it. I was disappointed. I wanted to win on my own merit.

 

She may have let me win because she didn't know me well and didn't want to deal with a tantrum if I was the type of kid who was a sore loser. I wasn't, but she didn't know that.

[QuirkyKapers]

When they are learning a new game, I will teach them how to play, give them tips let them win if it looks like they really could. After they understand how it works, than I still may coach, but I don't try not to win.

[8circles]

MOstly not. I do let them win enough that they don't loose hope. Its not fun to play when you NEVER win.

[Julie Smith]

I'd rather give a handicap than play to lose.

 

Last night I played Connect 4 with my son for the first time in a very long time.

 

I admit I didn't have much fun since I am a really good player, and he is - as of yet not.

 

This morning I came up with an idea of a great handicap - I play to connect 5, he plays to connect 4. :)

[mrsrevmeg]

I was more prone to throw a game when they were younger. No one is going to want to play a game if they KNOW they are going to lose every single time. So on some things, yes I do go easy on them. Likewise, the boys all play easier against me on their video games than they do against each other.

 

I will also admit to the occasional "someone has had a really rotten day so to make them feel better I am going to play in a way that they will win" thing.

[Jayne J]

Up to about 5 or so I generally lose, although not always. After that, as we switch to more strategy based games I tend to give the "cough, cough" hints. Ds is a bit hard on himself and will generally quit a tough game before he really understands the strategy if he doesn't win a few times at the beginning, so I tend to play badly the first few times. Once he gets it, he is very competitive and I play full out.

[KarenC]

Until they are about 4 or 5. After that, no.

 

Karen