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Boundary Setting/Bean Dip Help -- WWYD?


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There is a person who has especially generous and helpful to our family, which consists of me and the kids. I told her that I planned to take my children to see the ocean for the first time last May. She exclaimed, "Oh, I'm going to. Don't you love all I just invited myself? But I can't go until Sept." I said okay, but she pushed it until the first of Oct.

 

She has been under enormous stress. Her two daughters, BOTH had to leave a very exclusive private school because of nebulous, perhaps in one instance stress-related conditions. Her first daughter developed debilitating, daily headaches that left her homebound and incapable of doing any school work her senior year. (The school just graduated her.) Her second daughter missed so much school at the start of her sophomore year for stomach aches and burping (with a year later no discernable medical cause despite many consultations) that the school forced her to withdraw for the year and would not allow her to return until she was sufficiently less anxious for a lengthy period so that she could regularly attend and funciton at school.

 

Last October when we visited this friend and stayed with her for 5 days, two different types of things occurred, for which I need some guidance. First, I felt rather relentlessly dissected and character-analyzed. I'm being asked many times, so "what are you doing to take care of yourself," "what do you do just for yourself that has nothing to do with the kids." I was told in a serious tone that I am an apple-aholic because I snacked on about 3-4 apples a day. These questions about "what are you doing for you" seem intrustive to me. I'm not asking for her advice on how to live my life. I'm left feeling like I'm on Oprah.

 

Second, and the real nub of my hurt and discomfort, is this person pointedly told me, "You know you're not very articulate. You do know that, don't you. You don't speak very well." She did this twice, and told her husband in front of me that she had told me that I'm not very articulate.

 

She's right! I went through a very traumatic event that impacts my speech when I'm nervous and I stutter at those times and find it very difficult to find the right word when I'm nervous!!! I do feel self-conscious about it, but in 30 years not one single person has ever said anything like that to me. I felt incredibly hurt and offended. I can't imagine ever saying anything like that to anyone, let alone a "friend."

 

I really need some good boundary and bean dip lines at the ready. Her daughter resumed her school for her junior year despite no improvement in her year-long health issues that made it nearly impossible for her to do a few online, easy classes, so I really can't imagine that she won't cancel. But I really need some good ideas on how to set some boundaries here and respond to these types of comments.

 

Thank you.

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:001_huh:

 

:blink:

 

Who tells another adult that they aren't articulate, and then not only does that, but says it in front of another adult???? That is so incredibly rude, I have no words!!!

 

Do you really want to continue the relationship?

 

I have no advice, but I'd probably think a lot about whether the pros of her being in your life outweigh the cons.

 

I'm so sorry someone said something so hurtful and inappropriate to you! :grouphug:

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:001_huh:

 

:blink:

 

Who tells another adult that they aren't articulate, and then not only does that, but says it in front of another adult???? That is so incredibly rude, I have no words!!!

 

Do you really want to continue the relationship?

 

I have no advice, but I'd probably think a lot about whether the pros of her being in your life outweigh the cons.

 

I'm so sorry someone said something so hurtful and inappropriate to you! :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree: Um, yes.

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Wow, your friend sounds very difficult to handle!

 

Lines:

 

When she asks what you do for you . . . I think this is just a way to make deeper conversation. Many people are bored silly by mommy-talk, and someone who is interested in YOU is interested in more than mommy-talk. Do you not have ANY interests of your own? Hobbies, sports, etc?

 

If someone asked me that, I would talk about . . . books I like to read, running, massage, yoga, biking and walking with a friend. In the past, I've had book clubs, church activities, etc.

 

When she has the gall to comment that you aren't articulate, wow, that was rude! Some ideas . . .

 

"I guess I am not terribly articulate, but I do manage to avoid insulting people I care about!"

 

"Wow, did you really just say that?!"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Yes, I am inarticulate, and you are rude!"

 

RE: the beach thing:

 

"Oh, we'd love it if you can come with us in May!"

"Oh, fall would be nice, but we can't wait! We're going in May, and maybe we can go again in the fall with you!"

"Oh, thanks, but I want to take the kids all by myself for their first trip to the ocean. You know -- a mommy thing. Maybe we can go together next time."

 

I think your friend probably means well, but has some social awkwardness. LOL, the things she is saying sound more like a man. ;)

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I don't see why you want to keep being friends with her.

 

1. Apples? You can eat as many apples as you want and it's not her business. If you were eating Mars bars and she was concerned about your health, OK, but apples?

2. What do you do for yourself not with the kids? That's also not her business. She is implying that if you don't, you are not taking care of yourself. Whereas you may be perfectly happy as you are.

3. Articulate? So what? So what if you are not articulate? How is it her business? You don't comment on other people's shortcomings. That's like pointing out someone's handicap and saying, "You are handicapped." It's mean.

 

She sounds horrible to me.

 

(Her daughters' issues seem separate from the issue of she

is really mean to you.)

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It's perfectly fine to say..."You know, I find talking about that right now a bit difficult. I'd appreciate if you'd drop it." If she's able to respect your feelings, then you have a real friend. If she's not able to move on then you've got someone with personality issues and might need to rethink your relationship with her.

 

I'm not sure why you mentioned her dds. That situation, while odd, seems separate from your relationship with her.

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Thank you for the validation! I greatly appreciate it. My sense is that she become very mean and bitter after her daughter's health problems. I have met people who stutter (like I do at times!) and I cannot imagine commenting on it. You're right. It's like a hateful comment about a DISABILITY!!! Thank you for the validation that we just don't go there.

 

I do appreciate the boundary tips, too. I always can use some nice, diplomatic, socially graceful ways to handle awkwardness.

 

I think the bottom line is that I have a lot to think about. It's hard because the kids don't have great grandparents/family and she's kind of stepped in with that a bit. But still. At what cost?

 

 

I appreciate all the insights and comments! Thank you!

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:001_huh: I guess I would say something like, "Do you think your daughters' anxiety is related to how you analyze and criticize them, like you do me?"

 

:iagree: :001_huh: I do not think you need this woman for a friend. And I cannot believe she said that about your manner of speaking. :cursing:

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Quick question -- Exactly why are you referring to this horrible woman as your FRIEND? :confused:

 

It's time to ditch her and find some friends who actually like and respect you, as this woman clearly does not.

 

You deserve better. :grouphug:

 

(And DON'T ruin your vacation by bringing her along. Tell her you have to cancel and go without her.)

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(Her daughters' issues seem separate from the issue of she

is really mean to you.)

 

Honestly, I'm not so sure. The woman seems blunt to the point of rude and critical. The children are sick but there is no physical cause. It makes me wonder if they are living with extreme stress. Headaches can be stress related. And exaggerating them a bit might keep mom out of the way, and out of earshot. (I'm not saying she is exaggerating, nor am I saying her headaches don't exist!). Same with stomach problems.

 

You know, now that I think a bit more about that, the daughters both have stress related symptoms that are debilitating. I'd steer clear of her!

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Honestly, I'm not so sure. The woman seems blunt to the point of rude and critical. The children are sick but there is no physical cause. It makes me wonder if they are living with extreme stress. Headaches can be stress related. And exaggerating them a bit might keep mom out of the way, and out of earshot. (I'm not saying she is exaggerating, nor am I saying her headaches don't exist!). Same with stomach problems.

 

You know, now that I think a bit more about that, the daughters both have stress related symptoms that are debilitating. I'd steer clear of her!

 

:iagree: I'm also curious about a couple of other things. First, do you genuinely *like* this woman in spite of these issues, or is your relationship built more on obligation (she has done nice/good things for you and your dc, so you feel like you *should* like her)?

 

Second, how did she come to be involved in your life? She sounds like she may be the kind of person who barrels in and does what she wants, regardless of your plans or wishes. Did a relationship really grow, or did she more sort of steamroll you into it?

 

Don't let gratitude for some nice things she has done keep you in a toxic relationship. If you can set boundaries and she will respect them (I.e., not letting her invite herself on the trip, standing up for yourself and calling her out on rude comments, etc.), then maybe she's not so much toxic as clueless and a bit overwhelming. I think the proof will be if/ when you try to set those boundaries--you'll have your answer when you see how she responds.

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First of all :grouphug:

 

I have a 12 dd that doesn't stutter, but does have a hard time spitting things out or finding the right words. It has nothing to do with her intelligence. If someone said something to her like your "friend" said to you, then oh boy she better watch out. I'm not sure why she thinks she needs to be correcting your speech. She sounds highly offensive and rude. She don't even realize how uncomfortable that it would make you to say such things in front of her husband let alone at all.

 

You can forgive things if this seems like an out of character issue. However, if this is a pattern, then I'd be wondering how great a friend I really had. I'd still forgive her, but I'd move on. If friends treat you like that, then what do enemies do?

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I wonder if she's just so stressed right now that she's losing her filter? That can happen to the kindest of people. If you genuinely like this person and want her to remain in your life, I'd tell her how her criticisms are affecting you and ask her nicely to stop. Here's a sample scenario:

 

ScratchCat: You know, you need to do things my way....

 

PurpleCat: (smiles a pitiful smile) Oh, ScratchCat...bear with me. You've been so important to my family and so good to me in the past, and I don't know where this criticism is coming from. I care about you, but I feel as though I can't do anything right around you anymore.

 

ScratchCat: Uh, sorry about that. Now about your stuttering....

 

PurpleCat: ScratchCat, I can't keep listening to this. It's just tearing me to bits. I need my friends to build me up, not tear me down. The stuttering is from stress. My kids and I love you, but I can't let you keep criticizing me this way. I'm sorry. Maybe we should take a break from each other for a while.

 

Just lay it out. She may not realize the effect her harping is having on people. You will do her a favor by pointing this out to her gently.

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It sounds like this person considers you a "project" rather than a friend. Helping you — and criticizing you, which she probably thinks of as "helping" — make her feel better about herself. It seems that she's unable to "fix" her daughters, so she's trying to "fix" you. I'd tell her that you really don't need to be anyone's pet project. And I feel really sorry for her daughters. :(

 

Jackie

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