HappyLady Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) The other day I posted how my mom hasn't seen my kids in 9 months, even though she lives 20 minutes away. She hasn't called them, texted them, emailed, nothing. Then I found out she met a man in another state and was able to travel 8 hours by car to go stay with him. She was due back yesterday. I got a text from my sister, which was a text from our mom that my sister forwarded, saying that our mom missed her flight because "they wouldn't let her fly" because her hip hurt. :glare: I've yet to get any sort of direct contact from my mom saying she won't be at the party. To say I'm livid is an understatement, but I can't say that I'm surprised. I'm just done with her. I really am. I just don't know how she can do this to my kids. Sorry, I should add that today is my son's 2nd birthday party and she said she was coming. Obviously she's not. She also missed my DD's birthday party. Edited September 15, 2012 by Bean explaining more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmomma Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Bleh. I remember the thread. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Wow. I'm so sorry you and your dc are having to deal with this. Was your mother like that while you and your sister were growing up? Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 I'm sorry. It hurts that your mom/grandma isn't interested in the kids. BTDT. It hurt me for years and I finally had to let it go since it never changed. I found another 'gramma' type from our church that was thrilled to be invited to the twins' events and outings. She was enthused and excited by what they did- just what a grandma should be like. :) You'll probably come to a point where you can honestly believe and accept that she's just not that interested and if and when she ever does show up, it will be a BONUS ! Drop your expectations, try not to mope about it and make things bright by changing your focus. It's not supposed to be this way, but some people are just selfish and don't have the same perspective we do. Your kids are worth celebrating and you should surround them/you with folks that join in and agree with that. Hugs to you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. I remember your other thread, and I guess it's not too much of a surprise that your mom let you down again. I don't blame you for being ready to throw in the towel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyLady Posted September 15, 2012 Author Share Posted September 15, 2012 Wow. I'm so sorry you and your dc are having to deal with this. Was your mother like that while you and your sister were growing up? Elise in NC I guess you could say yes. We haven't had a good relationship since I was 11 (yes, I can tell you exactly when it started going downhill). She's never liked anything that I've done in my life (like going to an honors high school, college, marrying a wonderful man.....) and she's bad mouthed me practically my whole life and to anyone who'd listen. I only kept her in my life because of my dad and then my dad passed away shortly after my DD was born. After that I wanted her to be a part of my kids' lives just because I didn't want them to not have a grandma (they have my DH's, but she lives in another state) but apparently she doesn't want to be a grandma to my kids. Oh well, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Aw, Honey. It stinks when we are so disappointed by our parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 I guess you could say yes. We haven't had a good relationship since I was 11 (yes, I can tell you exactly when it started going downhill). She's never liked anything that I've done in my life (like going to an honors high school, college, marrying a wonderful man.....) and she's bad mouthed me practically my whole life and to anyone who'd listen. I only kept her in my life because of my dad and then my dad passed away shortly after my DD was born. After that I wanted her to be a part of my kids' lives just because I didn't want them to not have a grandma (they have my DH's, but she lives in another state) but apparently she doesn't want to be a grandma to my kids. Oh well, I guess. I am very sorry to say this, but based on what you've told us about your mom, it may be healthier for both you and your kids to keep your distance from her. She doesn't sound like she would be a particularly positive influence on your kids, and you shouldn't have to deal with her personal criticisms about you, either. Ultimately, you may be fortunate that she's not going out of her way to see your kids. What if she decides to start bad-mouthing them? If they only see her on rare occasions, they may end up with more pleasant memories of her than if they were to see her more often. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug:Bean:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 My side was/is quite dysfunctional, and I have only one relative who has been consistently involved with my children. Over the years I've come to accept that this was inevitable. I had hopes when mine were younger, but now they're teens and I'm not expecting anything to change. Thankfully we have local friends and DH's family is balanced and involved even though they live several states away, so we focus on that. Sometimes we just have to accept that things won't be the way we'd like, and be thankful for what we do have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 The other day I posted how my mom hasn't seen my kids in 9 months, even though she lives 20 minutes away. She hasn't called them, texted them, emailed, nothing. Then I found out she met a man in another state and was able to travel 8 hours by car to go stay with him. She was due back yesterday. I got a text from my sister, which was a text from our mom that my sister forwarded, saying that our mom missed her flight because "they wouldn't let her fly" because her hip hurt. :glare: I've yet to get any sort of direct contact from my mom saying she won't be at the party. To say I'm livid is an understatement, but I can't say that I'm surprised. I'm just done with her. I really am. I just don't know how she can do this to my kids. Sorry, I should add that today is my son's 2nd birthday party and she said she was coming. Obviously she's not. She also missed my DD's birthday party. So sorry your mom is not part of your family's life. :grouphug::grouphug: Based on the little you've written, I wouldn't expect anything from her. Not sure what the party refers to, but if she lives 20 minutes away and hasn't seen your kids or contacted them in 9 MONTHS, then to have an expectation of ANY KIND doesn't seem reasonable. You can certainly issue invitations, but I'd have NO expectation of response or attendance at anything. If she shows up, hurrah, put out an extra plate. Not sure how you can be livid -- what would cause your hopes to be up for any response different than what you've been getting? I'd be resigned to the status quo, and pleasantly surprised if anything else materialized. :grouphug::grouphug: Again, so sorry, it's easier to say that when you're not living it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 :grouphug: It stinks that she is like that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 I guess you could say yes. We haven't had a good relationship since I was 11 (yes, I can tell you exactly when it started going downhill). She's never liked anything that I've done in my life (like going to an honors high school, college, marrying a wonderful man.....) and she's bad mouthed me practically my whole life and to anyone who'd listen. I only kept her in my life because of my dad and then my dad passed away shortly after my DD was born. After that I wanted her to be a part of my kids' lives just because I didn't want them to not have a grandma (they have my DH's, but she lives in another state) but apparently she doesn't want to be a grandma to my kids. Oh well, I guess. The reality is that what people are usually doesn't change with time. If your mother didn't have a loving relationship with you as a child and accept you as an individual then, it won't happen in adult and it won't happen with your children. If your childhood was dysfunctional, your adult relationship will be troubled. When my mother died, I had long given up on my relationship with her. I got all kinds of flowery cards and sentiments about grieving my "dear" mother. No, she wasn't "dear." She was mean and selfish. She gave me life, and I somehow fought my way into adulthood despite all she did to stop me. :grouphug: Move on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 The other day I posted how my mom hasn't seen my kids in 9 months, even though she lives 20 minutes away. She hasn't called them, texted them, emailed, nothing. Then I found out she met a man in another state and was able to travel 8 hours by car to go stay with him. She was due back yesterday. I got a text from my sister, which was a text from our mom that my sister forwarded, saying that our mom missed her flight because "they wouldn't let her fly" because her hip hurt. :glare: I've yet to get any sort of direct contact from my mom saying she won't be at the party. To say I'm livid is an understatement, but I can't say that I'm surprised. I'm just done with her. I really am. I just don't know how she can do this to my kids. Sorry, I should add that today is my son's 2nd birthday party and she said she was coming. Obviously she's not. She also missed my DD's birthday party. This sounds a lot like my mom - although not the man part. So sorry. It's very hurtful, I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hot Lava Mama Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 behave like the "grandparents" we always imagined they would be (or hoped they would be). It sounds like it is not unexpected, though. Sounds like she was a pretty crappy parent, and it is just transferring to her grandparent role. I have found it is much easier for "me" to just change my expectations. Less stress to deal with. If you assume they will behave like awful, horrible beasts, then you won't be surprised when they do! (Like the old saying, "You invited a snake into your home, and were surprised when it bit you. It's a snake. It is doing what snakes do.") The montra that I use is "You can't change other people, only how YOU respond to them". I try to live by that. Like an earlier poster said, try to find another "Grandma" type in your life. If you look around, you will see there are some waiting in the wings. Not the same as your flesh and blood, but you have to take what you can get. Use it as an example for your kids. We can't change people. Our job is to behave appropriately no matter what kind of lemons we are handed in life. Try not to think about what they "don't" have, and make a daily mention of what they "do" have! Good luck. We will send prayers your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 :grouphug: I am sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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