Help me help dd

[mom31257]

My dd is really wishing she could change some things about herself but doesn't know how. She feels that she is a social misfit because she doesn't really know how to approach other teens and start conversations. She has a few friends that she seems to get along with, but she's not really close to them like she wishes she was. She says that other teens seem to be able to "bear their souls" to each other, but she is not. Because of this, she's afraid she won't ever get married because she's uncomfortable talking with boys. She also feels that she has no initiative and doesn't know what to do to overcome that. She went to youth camp this summer and had a great time, but she said she spent half the time talking with 2 moms who went as chaperones.

 

It's hard not to start blaming myself and thinking that homeschooling has been bad for her. My dh is a bit of an introvert as well and has dealt with some of the same feelings, though, so I think it could just be she inherited his tendencies. He did date a lot in high school, though. He has had a few friends in life, but really doesn't have a close friend right now besides me. I'm outgoing and have always had a really close friend in just about every time and place of my life.

 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[dbmamaz]

First of all, the most important thing is to assure her that different people mature at different rates, and it may be that she will become more comfortable socially a little later in life. Also, some of us are pickier about who we get along with, so it can take a longer time to find the people we really click with. Sometimes a few friends is enough.

 

Its funny, i thought of myself as a social misfit in high school, but i had more friends than either my daughter (who went to school) or my son (who is homeschooled). Its common, though, to be miserable socially in the high school years.

 

So she is currently homeschooled? what are her plans after high school? where is she seeing these kids 'baring their souls'?

[Snoopytwo]

:grouphug: I notice that you are a Christian. Is she involved in a youth group? If she already is, what is the atmosphere in the youth group? Sometimes they can be cliqueish (sp?) They shouldn't be, but sometimes they are:glare:

 

It can be hard, but if you can find a spiritually mature group, it can make all the difference.

[mom31257]

First of all, the most important thing is to assure her that different people mature at different rates, and it may be that she will become more comfortable socially a little later in life. Also, some of us are pickier about who we get along with, so it can take a longer time to find the people we really click with. Sometimes a few friends is enough.

 

Its funny, i thought of myself as a social misfit in high school, but i had more friends than either my daughter (who went to school) or my son (who is homeschooled). Its common, though, to be miserable socially in the high school years.

 

So she is currently homeschooled? what are her plans after high school? where is she seeing these kids 'baring their souls'?

 

She is currently homeschooled. She's taking Spanish with a friend, but it's a very small class in a town 40 minutes away. She wants to homeschool the rest of the way because she doesn't want to deal with the drama at high schools, even Christian ones in the area. She is considering dual enrollment for some of her last 2 years of high school. Two of her friends go to a local college 20 minutes away, and we'll probably look at that school for her dual enrollment. I doubt she will end up being in any classes with them since they are already there.

 

She doesn't really know what she wants to do yet. She loves writing fiction, and I think she has a real talent for advertising kind of writing. She wrote a 9 page guide to Disneyworld for a friend that was going for the first time. The friend's parents told me they carried it with them everywhere they went, and it was an invaluable tool.

 

She is overhearing conversations at church where kids seeming to be really talking about personal feelings and problems. We have couches in the youth room that are off to the side. We have to get there early because of a program we are in charge of, so she usually goes there to read or listen to music. I don't think she's really eavesdropping because they know she's there. I told her to be careful about hearing kids reveal all and comparing herself because sometimes I think that's a teen's way of being dramatic to get attention.

 

She wants to be different in these areas, so I feel like telling me is her way of reaching out and asking for help. She usually doesn't like the fact that I am a "fixer", so for her to tell me this seems like she really wants to change.

[mom31257]

:grouphug: I notice that you are a Christian. Is she involved in a youth group? If she already is, what is the atmosphere in the youth group? Sometimes they can be cliqueish (sp?) They shouldn't be, but sometimes they are:glare:

 

It can be hard, but if you can find a spiritually mature group, it can make all the difference.

 

There are some good kids there and some not so much. We've been there 3 years, and some of the kids she got the closest to are the older ones. Two of the girls just graduated from high school (one is going local to college, one moved away to school). One is in her sophomore year of college. There aren't any girls exactly her age. She has one friend that's just a little older, but she's not always there.

 

There are a group of girls just older than her that she's never really gotten close to. They all go to a local Christian school where my dd took Cotillion last year. She thinks she wants to do it again, but she really didn't get close to anyone during that. These kids have a lot in common that has nothing to do with her, so she feels uncomfortable in their conversations.

 

Our youth group seems to be a lot of girls younger than her, and they've had a lot of drama out of them. Girl drama is something that she stays out of and avoids. We aren't willing to change churches because this is the only church we've found in our area that really teaches the Bible the way we feel it should be. We've also just become directors of our new Awana program, and the Pastor asked for a year long commitment.

[Barbara H]

Has she read much about being an introvert. I'm wondering if that might help her feel more self acceptance.

 

I haven't watched the whole talk, but you may want to preview and see if it might be helpful.

 

[Sunshine State Sue]

Hmm. I consider myself a shy extrovert. I have learned over the years some things about how to make conversation in order to develop friendships. Here are some of the things I've learned, in no particular order:

• Most people like to talk about themselves, so ask questions. When I meet people at shared activities, I will ask about the activity. For example, I frequent the YMCA. So, how long have you been a member here, what classes do you take, how do you like the teacher, have you tried any of the other gyms in town, etc. Think up some questions before you go...
  
• Most people like compliments. Compliment someone on their clothes or accessories and ask where they got them. Compliment someone on their hair and ask how they style it that way...
  
• I've been told news, weather, and sports are good topics...
  
• At a larger gathering, when I've run out of things to say, I excuse myself to "powder my nose" and approach someone else when I return...
  
• If I'm really wanting to connect, I will write down people's names and information when I get back to my car or home, then re-read before I meet them again if possible. Follow up on something they've told me to let them know I listened and remembered...
  
• I think of the activities I've been engaged in recently and have them ready to share if the conversation lags...
  
• As to "baring your soul", I was an adult before I learned about rational trust. I will trust someone with bits of information until they have shown me that they are trustworthy. Then more, then more. Not everyone is trustworthy. No need to bare my soul to someone who does not deserve my trust.
  

 

Fred Frankel has some books on developing friendships, but they might be too young for a teen. You might take a look at the subject of friendship restricted to young adult books at the library.

 

By the way, I think I've always been a shy extrovert. I could blame it on my private elementary school education. I could blame in on my public high school education. I could blame in on being one of 8 children with not much hope of individual attention from an overworked stay-at-home mom and an absent, working father. Or I could just admit that it's my nature and work with it to the best of my ability.

 

HTH!

[Kendall]

1) The art of Civilized conversation by shepherd (Not the art of conversation by Blythe)

2) How to talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime by Larry King

3) How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie (I read this one a long time ago)

 

Focus outward/not inward. Read the first book and start practicing right away. My shy children (and outgoing children) have benefited from the top two; I don't think any of mine have read the third one yet.

 

It is okay to talk to adults! Most of her life she will not be in the subset of teens. Feel free to send me a PM if you want any more details on the books.

 

editing this to add : have her observe teens/adults who are good at what she thinks she isn't good at and apply what she sees when it fits her.

[mom31257]

Thanks for all the encouraging words and recommendations! I will look into the sites and books. Does anyone have any recommendations about the lack of initiative? She admits to being a procrastinator and somewhat lazy. Initiative is something my dh has dealt with the whole time I've know him, and I think it has hurt him in the jobs he's had. I would love to be able to help her now before getting into a job and her life.

 

Thanks for any further advice!