If your husband travels a lot for work....

[lovemy9kids]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

[Carrie12345]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

This was not a weekly or even necessarily monthly issue for us, but it was multiple times a year for up to 2 week stretches.

 

We were, and sometimes are, willing to exchange travel for decent money. Yes, it has been worth it to us when it's been done. I don't believe it would have been (for our financial situation) worth long-term travel commitments, but it's entirely possible if our financial needs had been greater.

 

We skype, we eat junk food for dinner, we watch cheesy movies.

 

Not a Christian.

 

If you don't have a support system, get one. I do not, so I didn't get a second of time to myself for however long he was gone. I never really greated him upon arrival, I just ran away and hid, lol.

[cassiemc]

My Dh is usually gone 4 days at a time. It's his job and it's all the kids have ever known. You get used to it and then it's no big deal. I am sure it will be different for someone who is used to daddy being there every night, but you will all be fine! Sure, we wish he could work from home, but that's just not possible. He's gone 4 days but then he is usually home 2-4 days before he's gone again. You will find your grove and it will be good :)

[wintermom]

My dh's father travelled - multiple days to weeks away, and there were 6 children very close in age. They survived, but I've noticed that none of the children have travelled much at all and they all chose spouses that don't travel much. For the family left behind, travel wasn't an exciting thing or something to be admired, it was a hardship. Their father was an international sports coach, and when mom yelled to them, "Come and see your father!" They asked which channel he was on. They didn't expect to see him much in the flesh. He was a sorce of free hotel stuff and t-shirts when he got home. Thankfully, he was an incredible man, and when he was home, he spent a lot of time with his family. The mom was the rock of the family. There are lasting concequenses, though, to absence in the home of a parent.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do it for more money if it's not something you've ever done before. In dh's case, it was his career choice he'd done all his life, and he continued to travel frequently until he passed away. His wife knew what the marriage would be coming into it, and she chose to marry a travelling man.

[laughing lioness]

12/13 yrs ago dh worked 1/2 a state away. He would drive there (4 hrs from home), spend 3 nights and drive home. We needed the money. It worked. Actually he was able to focus on work and I had a newborn so it was easier for me because he wasn't constantly waking me (he's a light sleeper) up telling me the baby was crying :blink:

It was worth it having the financial strain eased. We knew it would be just a couple of years so it wasn't long, long term.

As Christians we've commited to making it to the end of the game together. It takes two to live out your vows and you know yourself and your spouse. My dh is really clear about bounderies with others (esp women) beause of his job anyway. Make sure you are connected when you are together and connect while he's gone. We would have long phone conversations (this was pre-skype) on his drive htere and his drive home.

[ErinE]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) At times, it can be difficult. When the kids are acting up and I'm overwhelmed, I wish I had more immediate support. However, dh and I talk every day and I do my best to make my family my priority.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? We did not have an option. In dh's industry, it's a trade-off between lots of travel and a little travel. Given his skills, he fit best in the role with a lot of travel.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? Relief of acute financial stress? Absolutely yes. Dh couldn't find a comparable job near us. Given a choice between either bills being paid or lack of funds, we both choose extra income.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.) Dh and I skype; the children don't. They spend most of the time talking about how much they miss their father which makes it hard on DH. If he were away longer than four nights, I would let the kids skype once a week. When dad is home, family is our number one priority. We cut down on sleep-overs and friend outings. During the week, I keep to a routine and if I start feeling frazzled, I cut back on outside commitments and just rest.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. Although I'm a Christian, I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts as I think you could get better advice from others more learned than me.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear: The beginning was really difficult. The kids were used to dad being readily available and our family had to adjust to his absence. When dh is home now, I do my best to not impose on him "my way" of doing things. Making the adjustment from single-parent to co-parenting took work on my part to stop intervening when dad said or did something outside my norm. Finally, we make sure dh and I spend time together when he's home. Any social activities with my friends are reserved for the time when he's gone.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[nono]

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

 

Uh, yeah. To me it is. We are to provide for our families we create, sometimes via sacrifice. If one has a way to provide but chooses instead to deliver acute financial stress...it seems rather :confused: to me.

 

:grouphug:

 

P.S. Yes my dh travelled for many years, on an erratic schedule, sometimes for up to 2 weeks straight. It was most difficult when he had a scattered boss who used to pull last minute travel on him frequently (one week or less notice). It made scheduling anything family-related very difficult. That drove me nuts. When he changed managers he insisted on a 3 week notice, which totally eased all family disappointment issues.

Edited September 15, 2012 by nono

[lovemy9kids]

 

We skype, we eat junk food for dinner, we watch cheesy movies. This sounds fun :001_smile:

 

If you don't have a support system, get one. I do not, so I didn't get a second of time to myself for however long he was gone. I never really greated him upon arrival, I just ran away and hid, lol. That would totally be me! He would want some wild "TeA", and I would just want some "tea" ;)(at some undisclosed, quiet location, where no one could find me for hours)

 

Renee

[lmrich]

You have to be in a position to do everything on your own. I consider when he is home to be a gift.

[Gentlemommy]

1. Dh travel sporadically, and not on a schedule. So he might be gone for a month, home for a week, gone for two weeks, ect. It is VERY hard on us. The kids miss him, even though they've grown up with him traveling, it's still difficult. It's hard on me. I am everything to everyone when he is gone. I do have some help, in the form of my mom and mil, but it's not the same. I do all of the night time parenting, I can not shower/pee alone, I'm just always 'on'. I'm introverted, and having people with me 24/7 is hard. This week, we have all been very sick. Baby hasn't slept longer than a half hour (no, that is not an exaggeration!!!) in four nights. I've had feverish preschoolers in my bed. And now today, when two are finally feeling better, *I* am super sick. :glare:

 

2. If my kids were older, (they are 7, 4, and almost 2) it would be better.

 

3. No, it is not worth the extra stress. Unfortunately, because of the business he is in, it is necessary. If I had it my way though, he would work locally for a few more years, and when the toddler was 5-6 travel more.

 

4. I am insanely organized when he is gone. The house stays much cleaner, school is very consistent (well, not this week because everyone has been sick, but generally it is), bedtimes are enforced almost militantly. I have to do this or I'll go nuts. I also budget more for things like paper plates, going to 'kids night' at chik fil a, ect. I make sure the house is clean before he leaves, and things like all the bedding is freshly washed, the dog has had a bath, the mouse cage has been cleaned, ect. I stock up on ingredients for easy to make meals, lots of easy snacks, things I may not normally buy.

5. We are, and I'm not sure it makes a difference...we aren't WOS, but in this matter, because he is the sole breadwinner, I guess I gotta suck it up and deal.

 

6. I'm not sure...I'm sure people handle it differently. I feel for the military wives. :( It has been extremely hard on our family and marriage. Dh and I have completely different opinions on this, and it's been a point of contention for us for years. It hurts that he keeps choosing this, knowing he has a wonderful job locally, with great benefits, and knowing how hard it is on the kids and I. It's hard to believe him when he says he has our best interest in mind.

I guess, if it's possible, I would advise that you guys have a plan for how much travel, and a plan for what to do it either one of you hates it after a few months. We don't have that choice (well, no, we do, but to dh it's not an option) and it leads to a lot of resentment and strife in our otherwise awesome marriage. It has tested us a lot over the years. :(

[Carrie12345]

For the record, my mixed verb tenses aren't due to bad grammar, lol. Dh has switched from required travel to optional travel. So he doesn't any more, but he can. Now we can decide as the opportunuties come up. ;)

[Parrothead]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

It used to be much more difficult for dd. Now it is old hat

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

Nothing to consider. When he has to travel, he has to travel. We've never been ones to be in each other's pockets constantly. I actually look forward to the times he has to travel.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

The extra income is nominal. If he is gone for a week or more we might clear $100.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

We do things that we don't normally do when dad is home. We eat foods dad doesn't like, play video games all day, have spa night. Dh started traveling before the advent of Skype.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

My faith doesn't play a role in his travel. Christian husbands have been traveling for work since the dawn of Christianity.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

Organization, schedules and keeping to routine is best for us. The kids are going to take cues from you. If you are antsy, upset and weepy they will be too. Don't dwell on the negatives. Think about getting the whole bed to yourself or how nice it will be to have less laundry to do.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Parrothead

[Just Beachy]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

My dh is a pilot, so travel just comes with the job. He is gone, on average, 3 or 4 nights a week. He was a pilot when we met, and this has just been our "normal."

 

1. It isn't difficult at all really. It is just different. The girls have grown up knowing that he is gone part of the week. They know there are times when he won't be home for a birthday or a holiday, so we just celebrate it when he can be home. They really don't mind, and I have pointed out that even their friends often celebrate their birthdays on a weekend even if the actual date is during the week. Other than though, no problems.

 

2. I'm thinking this question may not apply to us. As a pilot, travel just comes with the job. In order for him to stay home, he would have to quit doing a job he loves and is good at. I don't know under what circumstances we wouldn't consider it.

 

3. Yes. It is what enables me to stay home and homeschool the girls, and that is something that is important to us.

 

4. Again, maybe because it is just how we live, it isn't a big deal. He calls often if he is in the country. Not as often if he isn't. We live out lives though. In fact, he likes when we head over to Disney or SeaWorld when he is on a trip because it means he doesn't have to go. LOL!!

 

5. We are Christians, but I don't understand what our faith has to do with my husband's job. If anything, our faith makes it easier. I know that he is in God's hands and that no matter what happens, we will all be taken care of. I also know my dh is faced with great temptations while he is away, but he made a commitment to me and to God to be faithful. I think it is his faith that enables him to keep that commitment.

 

6. Basically, we have 2 routines -- one when dh is home and one when he is not. Truth is... we tend to get more accomplished when he is gone. When he is home, we slack up on the school work to go do whatever it is he wants to do. (He is not a homebody and likes to go...) There are times when I've had to make the decision to call a plumber or something eventhough it is something he probably would've been able to fix if he were home. That stuff just comes with the territory. It is hard if one of the kids is sick or if I'm sick, but in those times, I really gain respect and admiration for those women who are raising children all by themselves for whatever reason. That has made me much more compassionate and able to put myself in others' shoes. He also respects and admires my independent streak. He trusts me to make decisions that are best for our family when he is unable to be reached.

 

I get that it may not be ideal for everyone, but it works great for us.

 

:) Beachy

[speedmom4]

My husband has traveled for his job for the past 15 years or so. He is gone quite a bit. My dh and I have always agreed that I would stay at home with the kids and he would work. We both realize that in this day and age to have a full time parent at home is a luxury. It takes great sacrifice to achieve that. It has been completely worth it. I have always been at home with my children, since the day my oldest was born. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have had that opportunity. It has taken hard work and sacrifice. It doesn't hurt that my dh loves his job.

 

It was especially tough when the children were younger. I was exhausted much of the time. But now I look back and I am so proud that I made it through those years and the children are all still alive and I didn't end up in a mental institution:tongue_smilie:.

 

The children do miss their dad a lot. When they are feeling especially low I remind them of the story from the Little House books. One year the Ingalls had a wonderful wheat crop that was destroyed by grasshoppers. Pa had to leave Ma and the girls and go work on a farm hundreds of miles away so they could pay their bills. They had no contact with Pa and he didn't arrive home when he had predicted he would be home. Ma kept a smile on her face but was incredibly worried. Pa eventually did come home and they were able to pay their bills. I remind the kids that we are so incredibly fortunate to be able to talk to Daddy every day. We also Facetime with our phones. He sometimes puts our boys to bed through Facetime.

 

Also, my children have been able to travel with my husband. My husband flies so frequently that he earns frequent flier miles. He has taken our daughters to California and other states. He has taken our boys many places as well. These trips are no cost to us since the hotels and rent-a-cars are already paid for. These are wonderful times for the children and dh to have one-on-one time.

 

I really believe that happiness is based on how a person perceives their life. I can focus on all the positives and be thankful or I can focus on the negatives and be miserable.

 

As a Christian I believe it is our duty to provide for our children (1Timothy 5:8).

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[LostSurprise]

My father traveled 3-5 days a week through all my elementary years. Then he was gone 12 hours a day and we mostly saw him on weekends. My mother had 4 children pretty close in age and no family support.

 

*If the kids are used to it, it doesn't seem like a big deal to them. My dad started when I was 5. Before that he was in college and working full time. I didn't really miss him when he was gone. It was harder when he was there because we had to drop everything for him.

 

*It was hard on my mom at first. At least I remember her letting kids sleep in her bed and leaving the radio on at night. Otherwise she seemed fine.

 

*When dad is home it may seem like he's king. I was more annoyed at my dad for telling me what to do and running our lives when he wasn't going to be there the next day and my mom would have to reinforce something she didn't want. Sides can get weird (mom + kids against dad, fun dad + kids against mom). I remember my dad refusing to do yard work because he wouldn't get to enjoy his time at home.

 

*It made my mother very flexible and taught her to negotiate her way through a lot of things alone.

 

*I didn't really feel like I knew my dad until junior high when he moved into management and didn't have to travel very often.

[HollyDay]

We are not currently in a travel situation, but we have been in the past. It is much easier if your dc are older. When I had a nursing baby and a toddler, it was very hard. As the dc got older, the away travel became easier in some regards. But, communication is the key. You are in the position of making family/home life decisions. If you can discuss via phone or email with dh, then that is a good thing to keep him in the loop. If not, then that can create conflict.

[lovemy9kids]

 

My Dh is usually gone 4 days at a time. It's his job and it's all the kids have ever known. You get used to it and then it's no big deal. I am sure it will be different for someone who is used to daddy being there every night, but you will all be fine! Sure, we wish he could work from home, but that's just not possible. He's gone 4 days but then he is usually home 2-4 days before he's gone again. You will find your grove and it will be good :)

Sounds like you have adjusted well. Thanks for the encouragement! :)

 

[lovemy9kids]

My dh's father travelled - multiple days to weeks away, and there were 6 children very close in age. They survived, but I've noticed that none of the children have travelled much at all and they all chose spouses that don't travel much. For the family left behind, travel wasn't an exciting thing or something to be admired, it was a hardship. Their father was an international sports coach, and when mom yelled to them, "Come and see your father!" They asked which channel he was on. They didn't expect to see him much in the flesh. He was a sorce of free hotel stuff and t-shirts when he got home. Thankfully, he was an incredible man, and when he was home, he spent a lot of time with his family. The mom was the rock of the family. There are lasting concequenses, though, to absence in the home of a parent.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do it for more money if it's not something you've ever done before. We wouldn't do it just to have more money......but we need to pay our bills. After a while, you grow very weary.

In dh's case, it was his career choice he'd done all his life, and he continued to travel frequently until he passed away. His wife knew what the marriage would be coming into it, and she chose to marry a travelling man.

Thanks for this perspective. It gives me some things to think about.

[lovemy9kids]

It was worth it having the financial strain eased. We knew it would be just a couple of years so it wasn't long, long term. This is where I am at right now.

My dh is really clear about bounderies with others (esp women) beause of his job anyway. Yes, we've discussed this already. Even though we have a strong marriage and boundaries etc. I think it's foolish not to address it, because it is a very real thing. None of us are immune to temptation. Make sure you are connected when you are together and connect while he's gone. We would have long phone conversations (this was pre-skype) on his drive htere and his drive home. I think I actually might struggle with this. I am NOT a big phone talker. Usually, if he is away, I kind of just mentally function better if I don't need him in any way. This sounds weird, doesn't it? I guess I would have to work on this if we end up going this route.

 

Thank you!

 

Renee

[Dory]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

1. I grew up in a family where my dad would be gone for a week or two at time. He drove a logging truck when I was smaller. Then he started driving a water truck and he would only be gone for a 3-4 days at a time. My dh is often gone for a couple days at a time in the winter and some months get busy enough that he's basically in long enough to have a quick nap and hit the road again. It's a way of life. I know that he'll be home more in the summer, so I just wait out those 8 months and live life as though he's not around. You get used to it.

 

2. We chose this type of a lifestyle. My dh could go into carpentry. He did custom cabinetry for numerous years before we were married and managed a fuel station for our first couple years of marriage. I like the financial comfort that the job he has provides.

 

3. Yes.

 

4. The kids have phone calls to daddy sometimes. If I know he's going to be home for a little bit late at night, I have kept them up so that they can see him long enough to at least hug him.

 

5. I'm not sure what this has to do with my beliefs. The church doesn't mind us coming to church without a daddy. Half the church has men that work in the oilfield. My best friend doesn't see her husband for months at a time during the winter because of his job in the oilfield and many others are on a 2-3 weeks on 1 week off rotation.

[elinnea]

Dh travels all the time for his job. For the past three years it has been pretty extreme with him averaging 280 days away. He mostly travels internationally and can be gone from two weeks to two months. He is currently on a five week trip.

 

I have mixed feelings. He does earn good money so that is a positive but it is hard. I am responsible for everything all the time and that gets a little old. I only get breaks when I put my oldest ds in charge for a few hours. I do feel some resentment when it is an especially long trip and dh gets a real weekend while it's business as usual here at home. Unfortunately because dh sees the children so seldomly he doesn't really have a relationship with them.

[Murphy101]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

My dh is gone for 3 weeks at a time or longer. Home for approx 24 -48 hours, then flies back out. Tho he has always traveled, this last 18 months has been more than ever and it's been really hard on our family. He has missed every birthday, many holidays, many first things for the kids and we rarely get a chance to talk by phone much until very late at night. Which means he goes weeks without talking at all to the kids.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

it's really not at all a consideration for us. His job has evolved to require this and he can't afford to quit and he can't job hunt effectively while traveling all the time. It sucks.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

We don't have any of that. In fact, finances are tighter than they have been in 15 years and we have acquired debt for the first time in 18.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

Not much I can do. We just soldier on as best we can, as cheerfully as we can.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

It sucks.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions?

 

Put a deadline on how long you are willing/able to do this. It is hard on a marriage and family in many ways. Knowing it won't last forever sure would help vs seeing no end in sight. Also, it's scary to think of not having a job again, but there may come a point where you/he feels he is no longer earning a living, but living to earn - and that's just too high a price for us to be willing to pay unless it seriously means the kids will starve or something equally serious.

 

For us, it's hard bc this is not significantly bettering any of our lives and causing emotional distance and financial stress. If those could be augmented in some way, it might make it more endurable. I can't even schedule major events like first communion bc I have no idea if dh will be in town. So dh has even missed that TWICE. A set schedule would at least allow us to make the most of when he is home.

 

4 days gone and 3 home doesn't sound to bad to me. Hard, but reliable and doable as long as those three days are kept sacred, iykwim.

 

ETA: I think it also depends on how much support YOU have. I have zero family support and tho my friends are great in a pinch, they aren't up to my large family on a regular basis. The teens are not home as much as people seem to think either. They have trade classes and community college classes and of course need time to study and do their home schooling courses as well. I think Junior and senior year is often VERY busy for teens and it's not realistic to expect them to step in for dad relief on a regular basis. I absolutely have no problems when a crisis arises. Big brothers or friends of the family are quick to help and a great comfort. But a mom's night out once a week or so? Not happening. So the result is that *I* am getting far more burnt out than dh and he doesn't really get that. By the time he comes home, I'm fried. He wants to go do things and pack a ton of fun in and I go along, but the truth is I'm on the go all day every day and by the time he comes home, my gogo is kaput.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Martha

[SailorMom]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

DH is gone between 6-9 months a year most years. Of course, this is in large chunks.... It has been very hard. Possibly the biggest challenge of our marriage - but it has made us stronger, and we all have managed to maintained great relationships. It's a lot of hard work - but it can be done.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

Well - it's his job.....

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

There are so many things.... email, Skype, plan something fun when DH gets back, acceptance. Supporting your DH and not complaining (around the kids) about it helps a lot.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

Uh - not sure why this matters....

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions?

If the two of you decide this, you need to embrace it and accept it. Get a good support group, really listen to your kids, and be ok with the fact that your DH is going to miss important life events. Do not say things that will make your DH feel guilty for being gone.

[NancyNellen]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) My husband flies out on Monday morning and returns Thursday evening. We have been doing this for 20 months now. I will say that, overall, it has not been too hard. My kids are older, though. It is definitely toughest for my youngest.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? For us it was because of the nasty L.A. Commute. My husband had a good job, but was commuting 90 minutes one way, 3 hours per day, to work in awful rush hour traffic. It was sucking the life out of him. When this job came up, we decided to give it a shot. He is much, much happier/healthier with this arrangement.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? It would be for us, although that wasn't why we chose to do it.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.) We Skype a couple of times while he is gone. He calls every day. He texts me periodically, and he emails me and the older three consistently. He works hard to stay connected.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. It's not optimal...we would all love to be together. But given the circumstances, everyone is happy. All the kids notice how much happier dad is without commuting 15-20 hours a week.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear: We put a limit on the amount of time we would be willing to do this. Our two year limit is approaching and we are considering a move (if only house prices would come up a bit!) Communication is key! I need to remember not to let things get to me and become bitter. I've learned that addressing issues immediately is crucial for making such a choice work out. I would also agree that the transition from single parent to co-parent every week can be tough. But it gets easier with time.

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

:001_smile:

Edited September 15, 2012 by Nancy in SoCal

[QueenCat]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

Not hard, I got used to it.

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

When it is good for his career.

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

It didn't relieve financial stress, as we weren't in that situation when he started. It was worth it because he enjoyed the job.

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

Skype didn't exist then... We talked daily.

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

We are Christians but I'm not sure how it would be different if we weren't.

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

Make meal time easy when he's gone, so you don't have to spend much time cooking or cleaning.

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

All of the above applies to when dh used to travel quite a bit. Doesn't do so much right now but that could change with current job.

[mom2att]

It was especially tough when the children were younger. I was exhausted much of the time. But now I look back and I am so proud that I made it through those years and the children are all still alive and I didn't end up in a mental institution:tongue_smilie:.

 

 

This is sooooo true! My dh has traveled since the my oldest was not quite 3, so it is all that the children know. When they were small it was definitely difficult--we don't live near family, so I had to take all of them with me where ever I went. The year my oldest turned 12 was life-changing for me, in that I could run to the grocery store for milk without having to load everyone into the car, traipse through the store with 3 kids in tow, and then reverse the process to get back home.

 

Now, it's just our normal. I am thankful that he has a job that provides for our family and enables me to stay home and homeschool. But it was definitely hard in the beginning--he wasn't even home when my boys were born!

[Jennifer3141]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) We have a sporadic schedule. DH can be home for 2 months but then gone for a week or weeks or a month at a time. I think the "sporadicness" is almost as hard as DH being gone. A regular schedule would in many ways be much easier.

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? If DH wanted it and/or it significantly improved our icome.

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? For us, yes.

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.) We have iphones and ipads so we Facetime Dad quite a bit. DH and I talk throughout the day and sext each other for fun. For a while there, I'd pick the worst lines out of 50 Shades and text them to him. That had us hysterical for weeks.

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. N/A but why would it matter? Was Jesus against roadtripping or something? :D

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

Different kids need different things from their parents. My DD NEEDS to speak with her father a few times a day. My son? Not so much. He hates the phone. He needs some quiet time with Dad when he comes home. And I think that in order for this to work, you have to be a strong person. I love my DH but I don't NEED him. I'm ok handling sick kids, laundry, backed up toilets, etc. etc. on my own. Now when he's home, I expect him to help out around the house doing "man" stuff but when he's gone, I don't go to him with it - I fix it or I call a plumber. I am ok alone. I like DH when he's here but there are definitely benefits to single-ish parenting too. I have discovered I get about 10 times more done when DH isn't here too. I'm still pondering why that is true. lol

[Happy]

My husband is a pilot so travel comes with the position. He is gone anywhere from overnight to ten days straight.

 

Here are my general thoughts....

 

*YOU* must be steady and strong. I'm a bit of a free spirit and I had to train myself to keep to a schedule--especially if you are homeschooling. At first I had a tendency to not do some things because he was traveling (small groups at church, for example) but if you do that YOU don't have a life. Do thiings that are important to you.

 

We did the-Daddy's-not-Home-let's-eat-Fruit-Loops-for-dinner too often. (My sons are grown, so I'm looking back...) Just because Daddy's out flying doesn't mean you shouldn't have dinner at the table.

 

I liked having some days a month when I could read late at night or eat stuff dh didn't like.

 

A couple of things we learned---Dad can NOT ground some child before he leaves for a week long trip. Nope, that's punishing mom. :D

 

Children (and wives) need Dad to be home for about 24 hours to 'ease' back into family life. He is the one going and coming, he needs to be flexible. Too often a 'take charge' Dad comes home and 'takes charge' when everyone has been functioning just dandy before. I don't know how to explain that exactly. I just needed time to had the reins of our lives back into joint control.

 

It's tough being both a single mom and a wife and mom. Most people you meet have no idea what you are doing. You get to be both strong and soft. When I hear of a mom at church preparing for her husband to be gone for a week, I have to bite my tongue. How nervous she is. In some cases how she moves back home with her parents for the week. Sheesh. Grow up a bit is my thought. :tongue_smilie:

 

The one thing that makes our lives possible with Dh's travel schedule is his absolute faithfulness. I have never had a question about him ever. EVER. If you can't say that about your dh, he shouldn't travel. Or about yourself, for that matter.

 

All in all, it's just the way we've lived for years. For the last year, my dh has been promoted to the director of ops job. Which means he flies less and goes to the office more. We like that he is home nightly now, but I really miss those days he was home for a week before flying again. He loves doing things around the house so he misses that, too.

 

ETA: when dh started his commercial pilot career, we lived in a small farming community. NO other daddy we knew traveled. When we moved to the 'bright lights' my children were much more comfortable because their daddy was not the only daddy who traveled. Other kids thought our lives were normal because their's was similar. That kind of support was important to us.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Happy

[Murphy101]

I want to note that how hard it is on the kids, in my home, has nothing to do with my attitude or a lack of getting things done as normal routine. I have FOUR teen boys and a budding young woman. None of them are used to having almost no contact with dad for long periods of time, which is a big deal for us that might not be for a family where dad has always been gone for long stretches. This is a time of lots of changes when many young men would have some serious talks with dad about life and making decisions and such that they wouldn't normally choose to have with mom. An email just doesn't meet that need. No one here is angry or whatever, but that doesn't change that we all miss him. And it also means dh does not get to disagree with me when he gets home. Sorry. I know I'm not enough, but I'm what there is and I'm doing my best. Dad doesn't get to pop in for a couple days and undo everything and leave me to patch it all. I do my best to keep him in the loop during those midnight and 1am phone calls, I post way more on FB and far more mundane stuff than I am naturally inclined for his sake, but the final decisions are left to the person in the trench.

[AdventureMoms]

My DW's travel schedule varies. Sometimes 2 days, sometimes 2 months, and everything in between. I have three very young children at home and NO family nearby, but have built a good support network of friends and a much-beloved hired sitter.

 

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

Um, well we miss her. But it is easier to stay in routine when she's gone. I don't get as many breaks, though. It's harder when she's gone, but not the end of the universe.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

I do require that she be making enough to pay for the sitter so I can get some breaks. Travel is not mandatory for her, but she likes the travel jobs a lot better, and they improve her long-term earning potential. If we had family who could take the kids or if they were old enough to play on their own for periods of time it might be different, but generally I'd be hesitant to accept a traveling job if I had no way to get a break while she was gone.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

Without travel we do not have acute financial stress, and I still feel the extra income is worth it.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

DD likes to Skype, the boys are too small to care about that. DW calls and talks to DD too. Kids under 2 or so don't seem to notice much, though they get a little clingier toward her when she gets back. If she's gone for a long time she sends a package with postcards. DD really enjoys that.

 

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

N/A :-D

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

I think it depends very much on your personalities and your relationship. This is how it has been for our whole life together, so we're used to it. Neither of us has ever expected that we will ALWAYS be able to sleep in the same house, etc, because DW's career path doesn't work that way.

 

IME, One long trip is easier than many short ones. I find several 3 or 4 day trips much more disruptive than one month-long trip. The kids get used to the new routine, etc when she's gone. Also, when she's gone, I am quite strict on bedtimes and such.

 

The only time I find it really really awful is when one of us gets sick. That's bad, no way around it.

[Tap]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) Dh and I have both always worked, even when I was homeschooling full time. Due to this we are not home at the same time much anyways. When he was gone 4 days a week, it wasn't that much harder on me. Actually, in some ways it was mentally easier because we didn't have to coordinate schedules anymore. It was all on me. But that also meant it was physically, all on me too which was harder but still very doable.Dh and I are very independent people so that was a big factor in making it work. We don't 'check in' with each other and ask each others thoughts on things before we do them. We each have the things that we are responsible for and that continued status quo.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? We are considering it again at this time. If he does it again, he is thinking about taking some online classes to give him something to do in the evenings. We both agree that it is harder on Him to be away, then for us at home. We are busy, he is bored.

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? Yep as long as it is a lifestyle that he likes.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)Nothing really. He is either here or away, we don't do a lot of communicating during the week but keep in touch. We chat on the phone a few times a week but not for hours on end or every night. He would be happy to talk more, but I am busy with the kids....he is sitting in a hotel being bored. He sees the kids when he is home on the weekends. That being said, we have older kids who don't feel the need to chat with dad (they are both closer to me that him) and my 5yo doesn't care for the phone so that is out for her anyways. I work on the weekend when he is home so she spends her time with him then.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. No thoughts, it is just what it is..

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear: If you believe in 'love languages' focus on identifying those to help you through this time. If one of you really need physical touch then make time for that on the weekend, it is the hardest to mimic on the phone.

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

Renee

.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[AlmiraGulch]

Please allow me to offer a bit of a different perspective.

 

I'm the one who travels for my job. Usually 2 - 3 weeks a month I'm gone 3 -5 days. Sometimes it's more frequent and sometimes I get a month home, but it's a lot. I was a single parent for a long time, and even when my ex moved back to help with the kids, I have always been the primary everything for my family. The breadwinner, the planner, the caregiver, the educator (when I was homeschooling, and when I left it to the ex he messed it up royally). If I don't take care of everything, it simply doesn't get done. Basically the stress of making sure everything is managed has always fallen on me, and it has certainly been harder since I've been traveling the past 4+ years.

 

My kids have adjusted well, and we speak almost every night, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. It's better since I've remarried to an incredible man, who takes so many burdens from me. But while it absolutely can be difficult for the spouse and kids at home, it's also hard on the one who isn't there. The "glamour" of the travel wears off quickly. Half the time I feel like I have to look at the monitors in the airport to remember where I am.

 

For me, there hasn't been much choice. I have to work, and my job requires that I travel. I do make a good living, and being the risk-averse person that I am I don't think I would take less money to be home all the time (not much less, anyway). It's not for everyone, but people adjust. Just remember that the whole family shares in both the rewards and the burdens when one spouse isn't there all the time.

[Audrey]

My dh trucked for the first few years we were married, in addition to farming. I would not do that again unless it were the most desperate of times. I am not the kind of person who can do "married" when I'm left to do it alone 70% of the time. It was a strain on our relationship. I resented it because it meant I had to take care of everything while he was gone. While I don't mind farm work, and even enjoy much of it. I do not appreciate being left to do it solo.

 

I also remember what my mom went through and what our childhoods were like when my dad was on deployment. That alone made me resolve never to marry someone who was going to be gone like that. I wouldn't wish that on any kid or wife. Hats off to those who live that and love it.

 

That's just me, though. YMMV.

[SailorMom]

I want to note that how hard it is on the kids, in my home, has nothing to do with my attitude or a lack of getting things done as normal routine. I have FOUR teen boys and a budding young woman. None of them are used to having almost no contact with dad for long periods of time, which is a big deal for us that might not be for a family where dad has always been gone for long stretches. This is a time of lots of changes when many young men would have some serious talks with dad about life and making decisions and such that they wouldn't normally choose to have with mom. An email just doesn't meet that need. No one here is angry or whatever, but that doesn't change that we all miss him. And it also means dh does not get to disagree with me when he gets home. Sorry. I know I'm not enough, but I'm what there is and I'm doing my best. Dad doesn't get to pop in for a couple days and undo everything and leave me to patch it all. I do my best to keep him in the loop during those midnight and 1am phone calls, I post way more on FB and far more mundane stuff than I am naturally inclined for his sake, but the final decisions are left to the person in the trench.

 

:grouphug:

 

Ok - take it for what it's worth - and understand that I say this only in hopes of helping with anything I can...

 

A) My DH is gone for MONTHS at a time, and we have no ability to call him. My sons are teens also, and it has become very difficult - but emails do work sometimes. Your sons and daughter only have to wait a few days to talk to dad when he gets home, and I assume he has a phone they can call?

 

B) Please do not treat DH as if he is just a guest without input when he is home. Obviously you have to make some hard calls on short notice - but the guilt he'll feel about not being there and resentment you'll have for taking it all on - well - not good.... He should have a say - and an opinion. I don't think contradicting you in front of the kids is a good idea at all, but certainly he should be able to give you input from his end? DH and I discuss the kids a lot - when he is here - and we agree on methods and madness together before things happen. When I do have to make a call on the fly - I try to wait 24 hours to really do anything, email my DH, and hope he can try to call sometime in there My sons are used to me delaying a punishment/decision if I want feedback from their dad.

 

If I'm misunderstanding what you were trying to say here, I apologize.

 

C) I miss my DH so badly I physically ache even though we've been doing this for 20 years. Every time he has to leave I am bereft for days (although I do a pretty good job hiding this). However - he is doing what he has to do to support us. His job allows me to stay home, homeschool, etc. I have gone through periods of resentment at the amount of time he has missed in our kids' lives, but that has only ever led to bad places.

[SailorMom]

I wouldn't wish that on any kid or wife. Hats off to those who live that and love it.

.

 

I can't imagine ever loving it. I hate it when DH is gone. But - we fall in love with who we fall in love with, and my love happened to want to be an Air Force pilot.....

[Laura Corin]

We have done this before and are starting to do it again.

 

Is it worth it? Well, in both cases the family stayed in a location which offered a lot in terms of stability and richness, while Husband commuted back and forth to a job in a less ideal place, being with us for the weekends. It wasn't easy, but the alternative (the whole family moving to the job) would have been even harder.

 

Skype helps, as do phone calls. It's important that both adults understand the stresses involved: the travelling partner will be very tired when they make it home, but the at-home partner will need help/a break nonetheless.

 

Laura

Edited September 15, 2012 by Laura Corin

[chiguirre]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) Dh has always travelled for work, the frequency and length of trips varies a bit, but right now he's gone 4 nights a week 3 weeks a month. The kids and I are used to it since it's always been this way.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?We didn't consider it, it's been this way for 20 years. It's just what dh does.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?Dh really likes his job and he earns a good living doing it. It would be a bigger sacrifice for him to change careers than for us to deal with his schedule.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)We have a part time housekeeper. This has solved most of the problems generated by dh's travel and having to care for our oldest. My stress is much lower now that I have consistent help and don't have to take GW with me to Geezle and Trinqueta's activities or worry about getting dinner ready. We skype every evening so the kids do get to talk with their dad. When dh does come home, he slips into our routine. We don't change anything because he's here.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:When the kids were younger and we didn't have a housekeeper, I would make dh babysit for a couple of hours every weekend so that I could have some alone time. Now, I schedule alone time into my day as much as possible while the kids are at activities and I don't need to escape on weekends. It's much easier on everyone. However, I highly recommend making your dh parent solo occasionally if you have littles because dh didn't appreciate how hard my job was until he had to do it himself (with my cell turned off;)).

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

 

Dh is much happier when he can spend a chunk of time each month in Latin America. When he hasn't travelled for a while, he misses it. We do get lots of free air travel and hotel rooms because of dh's travel and he brings back regional Colombian coffee and Mexican vanilla and the latest Spanish bestsellers, so it's got its perks.

Edited September 15, 2012 by chiguirre
inadvertent kitten killing

[lynn]

It was hard when the boys were little. But we managed. It was just part of life then. Travel has slowed over the years and sometimes we get with him now that the kids are older and we hs.

[Murphy101]

A) My DH is gone for MONTHS at a time, and we have no ability to call him. My sons are teens also, and it has become very difficult - but emails do work sometimes. Your sons and daughter only have to wait a few days to talk to dad when he gets home, and I assume he has a phone they can call?

 

What are you talking about? My dh is gone for 3 weeks at a stretch, not a few days. And no bc of time differences and work environment, we don't get a phone call unless it around midnight or later. Considering we get up before the sun does every morning, they can't stay up after midnight waiting for a phone call every night.

 

B) Please do not treat DH as if he is just a guest without input when he is home. Obviously you have to make some hard calls on short notice - but the guilt he'll feel about not being there and resentment you'll have for taking it all on - well - not good.... He should have a say - and an opinion. I don't think contradicting you in front of the kids is a good idea at all, but certainly he should be able to give you input from his end? DH and I discuss the kids a lot - when he is here - and we agree on methods and madness together before things happen.

 

It's extremely rare for us to have a disagreement about parenting issues. And after 20 years and 10 kids, we have had plenty of talks. He is not a guest here unless he makes himself one by not making an effort to stay in touch. There is only so much I can do on my end to help with that. Usually our disagreements are about other things. People change in a year, kids change a LOT, and dh sometimes doesn't understand that something we might have agreed on about a kid might not apply to the kid they have become a year later.

 

However - he is doing what he has to do to support us. His job allows me to stay home, homeschool, etc. I have gone through periods of resentment at the amount of time he has missed in our kids' lives, but that has only ever led to bad places.

 

And what if the job is high stress, lower pay, and neither of you have ever been okay with having a marriage where the couple is apart frequently? I NEVER EVER would have purposely married a military man or a pilot or.... I have zero desire to single parent and I didn't get married to be alone 70%+ of the time. (And dh feels the same way.) We don't mind a phase or short term situation to meet an agreed upon goal. This is not that situation though and our family is struggling to adjust. Like I said, no one is angry or resentful. It's not about that at all.

 

It's about this not being the marriage situation we ever wanted and struggling with the fact that it's really not a choice right now or in the foreseeable future.

[NancyNellen]

We do get lots of free air travel and hotel rooms because of dh's travel.....

 

:iagree: This is definitely my most favorite perk from all of my husband's travel! He flies so much with Southwest that he earned a companion pass for me. I can travel anywhere he goes for free!

[plath]

My dh travels out of town at least once a month for a week at a time (some months he is gone for 2+ weeks) and when he is in town he is frequently at work from before the kids up to after they've gone to bed during the week.

 

 

1.. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

It's tough, I won't lie. You get into your routine though and it becomes your normal.

We're lucky that because of his traveling, the kids and I get to tag along with him sometimes and we've gotten some great family vacations at the end or beginning of one of his trips. It's actually one of the reasons we plan to homeschool

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

For us, it works. Dh loves his job. He doesn't love being away, but it's part of his job, so we deal.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

For us, yes.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

phone calls, pictures via facebook and texts

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

n/a

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions?

 

We do lots of countdowns until daddy is home- marking it on our big calendar, etc. So dd knows what to expect- that seems to help a lot. We also go down and spend time with my parents if he's gone on a longer trip. It helps keep he kids more occupied and also gives me some breathing room to get time to myself.

 

For me

Renee

[mommaduck]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? When many other options have been exhausted.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? Yes, it will be.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.) Cell phones. Eventually skype.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. What does being a Christian have to do with this? You do your best to be there for your family. Sometimes that means making sacrifices just to support them.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear: Be strong. Live near a support system that you trust. Make their days home special. Minimalize complaining; they don't needing the stress.

 

Thank you so much. I will eagerly await your responses :001_smile:

 

Renee

My husband is leaving tonight for three months. Then it will probably be three to four weeks out and three days in for the first year.

Edited September 16, 2012 by mommaduck

[catz]

My husband only travels sporadically, which isn't a big deal.

 

However, when I was a kid my dad had a Mon-Thurs night traveling job for an extended period. And it hurt his relationship with my brother and I quite a bit. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him when he got back. To me i felt like he didn't belong at home. It was hard. He eventually quit and I developed a great relationship with him later. (I was probably about age 9 -12)

[lovemy9kids]

Wow....I am overwhelmed with your posts. I started responding to them individually, but I don't think I can keep up. You all really helped me see that there is a lot to consider, and it is not something to enter into lightly. My heart was aching for some of you that have to be without your husbands for such long periods of time. :crying: It reminded me how hard life can be.

 

I guess I confused a lot of you with my question about being a Christian etc.

What I meant was, do you think a husband can still fulfill his Christian duties to his wife and children if he is away a lot? I wasn't trying to be offensive at all. Forgive me if I came across that way.

 

We have experienced financial stress for so long, we both would really like to have a break from it. I know having him gone will bring with it its own amount of stress, but I'm hoping it will be less. Again, thank you all for taking the time to share your hearts with me. I will prayerfully consider all that you have said. I'm not sure this is even all going to come about, but we needed to start discussing some of these things. Reading all of your answers has given me some points to talk over with dh.

 

 

Thanks again,

 

Renee

[lovemy9kids]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

My dh is gone for 3 weeks at a time or longer. Home for approx 24 -48 hours, then flies back out. Tho he has always traveled, this last 18 months has been more than ever and it's been really hard on our family. He has missed every birthday, many holidays, many first things for the kids and we rarely get a chance to talk by phone much until very late at night. Which means he goes weeks without talking at all to the kids.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

it's really not at all a consideration for us. His job has evolved to require this and he can't afford to quit and he can't job hunt effectively while traveling all the time. It sucks.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

We don't have any of that. In fact, finances are tighter than they have been in 15 years and we have acquired debt for the first time in 18.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

Not much I can do. We just soldier on as best we can, as cheerfully as we can.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

It sucks.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions?

 

Put a deadline on how long you are willing/able to do this. It is hard on a marriage and family in many ways. Knowing it won't last forever sure would help vs seeing no end in sight. Also, it's scary to think of not having a job again, but there may come a point where you/he feels he is no longer earning a living, but living to earn - and that's just too high a price for us to be willing to pay unless it seriously means the kids will starve or something equally serious.

 

For us, it's hard bc this is not significantly bettering any of our lives and causing emotional distance and financial stress. If those could be augmented in some way, it might make it more endurable. I can't even schedule major events like first communion bc I have no idea if dh will be in town. So dh has even missed that TWICE. A set schedule would at least allow us to make the most of when he is home.

 

4 days gone and 3 home doesn't sound to bad to me. Hard, but reliable and doable as long as those three days are kept sacred, iykwim.

 

ETA: I think it also depends on how much support YOU have. I have zero family support and tho my friends are great in a pinch, they aren't up to my large family on a regular basis. The teens are not home as much as people seem to think either. They have trade classes and community college classes and of course need time to study and do their home schooling courses as well. I think Junior and senior year is often VERY busy for teens and it's not realistic to expect them to step in for dad relief on a regular basis. I absolutely have no problems when a crisis arises. Big brothers or friends of the family are quick to help and a great comfort. But a mom's night out once a week or so? Not happening. So the result is that *I* am getting far more burnt out than dh and he doesn't really get that. By the time he comes home, I'm fried. He wants to go do things and pack a ton of fun in and I go along, but the truth is I'm on the go all day every day and by the time he comes home, my gogo is kaput.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

It sounds like you have had an exhausting year and a half. It would take too long for me to tell you my whole story, but I want you to know that I've been there before, and it's beyond bearable at times. I'm so sorry.

 

Renee

[Murphy101]

I guess I confused a lot of you with my question about being a Christian etc.

What I meant was, do you think a husband can still fulfill his Christian duties to his wife and children if he is away a lot? I wasn't trying to be offensive at all. Forgive me if I came across that way.

 

We have experienced financial stress for so long, we both would really like to have a break from it. I know having him gone will bring with it its own amount of stress, but I'm hoping it will be less.

Thanks again,

Renee

 

I didn't think it was offensive. Maybe bc I'm catholic. Idk. I thought it was just too vague for anyone to know what you meant.:)

 

I think, when a husband can see that it is improving the lives of his family and himself, in that circumstance travel is still hard, but soooo much more bearable. He takes more pride in it, it feels purposeful. There is less resentment all around. (Who wants to be the obligation that keeps dh in a crappy job? Not me. Bet not any decent wife, yes?) and it generally makes for less stress. For example, many years ago I remember dh calling from out of the country to discover that we had needed some major house repairs. It was something he could fix, but he wasn't home. Luckily we could afford to pay someone to fix it. Knowing he made enough money to know we were taken care of if he wasn't home was a huge weight off both of us. We can't say that now and he does stress that if I need something done and can't do it, we are even more finically strapped to cover it or wait for when he comes home. (Want to guess how excited he is NOT to only be home for 24-48 hours and be confronted with a to do list? :tongue_smilie:)

 

 

So if there is genuine financial benefit for the family AND it isn't a permanent career situation, then I think it can be very positive. Especially if you have plenty of local support and have a solid marriage. Still hard, of course, but so much easier to endure.

[guateangel]

This is all past tense since dh has since changed jobs.

 

I think it's so individual so take this with a grain of salt. :)

 

 

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.) It was HARD!!! Especially on the kids. They were devestated each time he left.

 

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this? It was part of his job, so we didn't have a choice. The extra income was nice, worth it? No!

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone? NO! We missed him terribly! DH's income has been cut in half now that he is local, but we are all happier knowing he will be home at 5pm every night.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.) We did phone calls, skyped and I have an amazing support system but even with this, it wasn't worth it. My bff's dh is gone a lot due to his job and the kid's are struggling and I see behavior problems arising. They miss their dad!

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts. You will need to pray and seek God for direction. If it's God's will, the grace will be there. :)

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear: Have support, pray, and enjoy your kids. Remember it's just as hard on them as it is on us.

 

So if there is genuine financial benefit for the family AND it isn't a permanent career situation, then I think it can be very positive. Especially if you have plenty of local support and have a solid marriage. Still hard, of course, but so much easier to endure.

:iagree:

 

If it was temporary, this would have made it easier on us but it was part of his job at the time.

[butterflymommy]

1. How hard is it on your family? (I'm talking about being gone 4 days/nights a week.)

 

It's not that bad. We get used to it. It feels weird when DH IS home during the week, by this point.

2. Under what circumstances would you consider this?

 

We decided to do this after DH was laid off twice in 2 years and had a very promising opportunity out of state.

 

3. Is the extra income and relief of acute financial stress, worth the sacrifice of him being gone?

 

Yes, but, I was willing to live poor while DH wasn't. So he is happier, which is important.

 

4. What do you do to make it easier on you and the children? (i.e. skype etc.)

 

Nothing really. They're used to him being gone. He checks in a few times a day to make sure we're all ok but he doesn't have time to talk or skype much.

 

5. If you are a Christian, what are your thoughts.

 

I felt that the family being intact and together every night was more important than money or career. DH didn't see it that way.

 

6. Any other thoughts, warnings, advice, opinions? :bigear:

 

 

Be careful about the older boys (if you have them) turning into "replacement dads" while DH is away, as this can lead to ugly power struggles when dad is home. Plus I think it is unfair to the child to be in a parental role. This happened in our case so swiftly that it was firmly entrenched before I realized it might not be a good thing. DS has been a strong father figure to my second youngest, for a while she even thought he was "dada." It's good and bad I guess because they are close and he is kind to her, but this was all happening when he should have been just worrying about kid things.

[Liz CA]

In short, one of your sentences "to relieve acute financial stress" would mean for us that we would try it. Dh and I lived apart for 5 months last year - he did come home on Saturday morning or Friday evenings and left Sunday around noon. At this time our son was not little anymore and it did not affect him but even if ds had been little, we would have tried it, especially if you need the money. When things are more settled financially, you can always reconsider or see if someone else in the company wants to travel a bit.

[UmMusa]

Mine travels and has been gone up to 3 weeks. Like others have said, you get used to it while he's gone, and once he's back it seems like it wasn't a big deal.

 

I visit friends more often instead of worrying about being home 'when dad gets home'.

 

One down side I'll mention is that I get used to doing things alone and my way that I feel a little resentful when he gets back for a couple of days. I don't like his sloppy habits messing up every room in the house. I also kind of feel ... what is that word.... like I am giving him the cold shoulder. That's awful, I know. Kind of like I feel like he was gone, I survived, so I guess I don't really need him. Irrational but maybe a coping method? Especially when he's gone for 2 weeks or more. A couple of nights here and there aren't a problem, but longer than 10 days starts to get me in weird frame of mind.