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How often does your DH/SO do something with the kids without you along?


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My dh once called watching our oldest ds babysitting when I slipped out to get groceries. I informed him that if he couldn't PARENT the kid HE made, then he was welcome to step out of the family. It was a little harsh, but he got the point. Him spending time with the kids was something I used to have to set up and push to make happen when they were smaller.

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Never - he says it's too hard :glare: Yeah tell me about it buddy - I take them with me everywhere I go.

 

He won't look after them at home while I go out either - he insists I take them with me even to doctor appointments for ME.

 

:001_huh: I do not understand why anyone would allow this to be status quo.

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My dh did this very rarely when the kids were younger, and I was a bit resentful. I really could've used the me time. For the past 2-3 years he has begun taking them more often, usually my son, but sometimes both. He'll take them when he runs errands, and he almost always takes ds to guitar practice and sports practices. Right now they're at hockey practice and dd wanted to go along so it's very quiet in the house :) Dh has been on his own (employment wise) for 6 years, so it's a bit easier now that he's working at home. If he were in a traditional job setting, he'd probably only be helping out on weekends.

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Never - he says it's too hard :glare: Yeah tell me about it buddy - I take them with me everywhere I go.

 

He won't look after them at home while I go out either - he insists I take them with me even to doctor appointments for ME.

 

I have had to take my kids to the doctor with me when my husband couldn't get away from work, but that has been rare. Generally the doctor has not liked having the kids there.

 

Do you know someone you can hire as babysitter? I'd tell him that kids cannot go to the doctor with you so if he can't be with them, you have to hire someone to do it.

Edited by marbel
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Maybe once or twice a year. I don't like him to take my babies without me. He just doesn't do things the mommy way. ;)

 

ETA: My kids have a great relationship with their dad.

 

Maybe it would be good for them to experience the daddy way. Good for daddy and mommy too.

 

Just saying...

 

;)

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Pretty much never. I wish he would once in a while. Overnight trips and day trips? He doesn't even like to take them to the park for half an hour alone. He will once in a while take one of them along when he goes to a store, he'll bring one to an activity if I have to bring another to an activity at the same time, he'll hang out alone at home with them if I want to run errands solo or go have a mom's night out once in a while, he'll help take care of them when we're both home, but just going, "Hey kids, let's go out, just me and you guys, we'll do something fun and give mom a break..." it just doesn't happen.

Edited by NanceXToo
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When my youngest children were babies and toddlers, dh would sometimes just pack them up and take them to the mall. He doesn't like the mall, but he was basically getting everyone out of my hair. He had a "two stop" rule though, if he had all the kids, he would only make two stops because loading and unloading kids with car seats and a stroller was so exhausting. I also tried to honor that rule for me as well.

 

He would take them all to the park. He would take them for an ice cream cone and to feed the ducks. He would take them all to watch our older sons' soccer game.

 

He really tried hard to give me what I wanted, which was time alone in my own house. We only have three kids, though, and an often present nephew. So four at the most, but I know dh would have handled more ok. Why not? If I could, he could. I don't have any special magic.

 

But it wasn't just about me. My dh loves being with his kids, and I think the dynamic is different when mom isn't there - he learned himself how to manage a pack, how to tell when they are hungry or tired or have had enough. My boys are tight with their dad. He has a lot of fun with them, and that was true even when they were babies.

 

I will say, though, that when dad is at work, he really isn't available, during the week, it is all on me, and I would take kids to the doctor with me if ,t mom couldn't watch them.

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For those of you with lots of young children (and I didn't see many posting here), where does your dh take the kids for over an hour? I can't imagine where my dh would take them all at the same time.

 

LOTS of young children might actually be a game-changer until the bigger kids are old enough to really help.

 

I know we are all different, and are all comfortable with different ways of parenting, but this thread is making me sad, and I am feeling judgemental, too.

 

Me too! I keep thinking that a man like that wouldn't get more than one child out of me. After that, I'd be asking for it.

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I know we are all different, and are all comfortable with different ways of parenting, but this thread is making me sad, and I am feeling judgemental, too.

 

Our own situation where dh does not get the time off to take the kids places and works odd hours (most hours when the kids are fully awake on the 5 days he works,) making it impossible to take the kids places on his own like I do, does make me sad too. But please don't be judgemental at my situation anyway. It isn't because he doesn't want to. He just can't. We have to have his income, and his is not a traditional work schedule. We can't afford for him to take off and go to school to learn something different, and the economy is so that we are very thankful for the position he does have, after several years of much worse positions. I work part time where I am able to take the kids with me to help out, but if I worked full time and he worked full time starting over at the bottom somewhere in a different field, then neither of us would be with the kids. So we do what we need to.

Edited by 2_girls_mommy
Please ignore comma splices and run ons :)
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Our own situation where dh does not get the time off to take the kids places and works odd hours (most hours when the kids are fully awake on the 5 days he works,) making it impossible to take the kids places on his own like I do, does make me sad too. But please don't be judgemental at my situation anyway. It isn't because he doesn't want to. He just can't. We have to have his income, and his is not a traditional work schedule. We can't afford for him to take off and go to school to learn something different, and the economy is so that we are very thankful for the position he does have, after several years of much worse positions. I work part time where I am able to take the kids with me to help out, but if I worked full time and he worked full time starting over at the bottom somewhere in a different field, then neither of us would be with the kids. So we do what we need to.

 

Goodness, yes. This was our sitatuation for years. Dh worked three jobs. I suppose someone could have looked at it as him never giving me break, but in reality, I would much prefer a dh who is willing to work long hours (or at all!) to provide for our family. I knew a family where dad takes care of the kids much of the time, and the mom is always able to do anything she likes, but they depend on food and money donations from others to live because he won't work (even when given a job.) I'll keep my busy dh and fewer breaks, tyvm. :001_smile: It isn't enough to make a blanket statement that dh's should do this or that, because every family has a different situation. Now he has more time, and he does take them places, but it's usually one or two to a specific activity, because that is more meaningful at this point. He's done whole days with them to his mom's house, and it's nice, but in the scheme of things, it would never substitute for the hard work he puts in providing for us.

 

OP, I would say that you can only change what you do, not what he does. At your dc's ages, you can create breaks for yourself at home. There aren't any babies or toddlers taking your every minute. Give them a rest time during the middle of the day, give them a movie night in your bedroom with the door closed, or have them pitch in and help with whatever it is you need time to do.

Edited by angela in ohio
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My dh doesn't take them away while I stay home.

 

I go grocery shopping alone. I actually enjoy this time to myself! I'm gone for usually 3-4 hours. Although I'm getting groceries that's ALOT that my dh is doing because after he's worked a full day and drove an hour home he still plays the greatest dh and daddy role. I'm thankful.

 

IF I asked him to take the kids away, I'd have to come up with something local, free, & relaxing for him to take them. My first thought is the park that is only 5 minutes up the road. This would allow them all to play and dh too! He is the best park dad. He runs around and plays with them and everytime we go as a family I'm looking like a lump sitting around watching. HAHA! So all that to say that my dh hasn't taken the kids away from the house so I could stay at home and focus on things, but I don't think he'd have any problem with doing it IF I asked. I just haven't needed that so far. We go out as a family once on the weekend to the park or somewhere like the science center. I get to go grocery shopping every 2 weeks kid and dh free. My kids have quiet time during the week and this allows some break time for me. The kids each go to AWANA on Wednesday nights. I instead of sitting in the Church awaiting them to finish I now go sit in the car and dig into my book for an hour! Occasionally I will run an errand, but I really don't like to do this on such a short amount of time. AND if nothing else seems to be working I kick my kids out of the house to play outside for an hour. LOL!:lol:

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First, I have to admit that it bothers me on a whole (from what I've seen in real life) how few dads are eager and comfortable to take his kids places and even watch the kids so the moms can do things. I insist that a family should have no more children than the dad is comfortable caring for alone. I don't necessarily mean if the wife were to die -- I mean to hang out together on the weekend, to go to an amusement park, to go out to eat -- whatever things the mom is capable of doing with the kids. I understand outings with multiple little ones can be difficult, and I wouldn't take a 4-year old and a baby to Busch Gardens alone because I would not be able to adequately care for both of them.

 

I'm just talking about reasonable things. I, unfortunately, see many dads uncomfortable and actually not wanting to have to care for them alone. This has been one thing I have insisted will be different in our family.

 

I have refused to be a mom who asks if she can go out with a friend and have my husband stay with the boys. I have asked if the time is convenient, but the expectation has always been, "If I can care for them all day, so can you."

 

My husband has also been disappointed when I stay behind on family outings, and I try not to do that often because I want to do those things with the boys too, but he knows I need one weekend alone each year to recharge. While I enjoy going out alone to some extent, there are times I just want to plop around the house with no one to clean up after. ;)

 

So, every summer, my husband takes the boys to his home town in the Shenandoah Valley or somewhere near there. Usually, they stay with his parents and he takes the boys canoeing, fishing or kayaking. One time, he took them to West Virginia to visit a coal mine, then they went to the Roanoke Zoo, etc. One winter, he took them tubing.

 

He also takes the boys out about once a week, unless he is in one of his downer moods.

He takes them for hot dogs.

 

Yesterday, he took them to an antique store my son wanted to visit. Nathan bought a tea cup and saucer. :)

 

Today, he plans to take them to the air show.

 

He took them go-karting because I got a Groupon. Wish I would have bought four tickets now.

 

He has taken them to the movies, ice skating, jet skiing, to restaurants, to hobby supply stores, to model railroad and car shows.

 

Weekly and/or monthly outings for me look like this:

 

Shopping at JC Penney (I buy most my clothes there and love looking at clearance jewelry)

 

Walking around a craft store looking at new scrapbooking stuff

 

going to yoga or Jazzercise with my friend

 

going out for coffee with a friend

 

going to a monthly homeschool meeting

 

going out to dinner with a friend.

 

Sometimes, I like getting away.

 

Early this year, I drove to NC to do some genealogy research and picked up an old college friend to bring home for the weekend. It was fun staying in a hotel alone, just hanging out. In April, two friends and I stayed in Charlottesville to celebrate my 40th birthday. I spent the weekend alone in PA for a convention with Susan W. Bauer as well. I hope to do more things like that in the future.

 

I don't seen anything wrong with me wanting to get away. My husband flew to WA to stay with his sister one winter and toured the area. He then went on a solo weekend motorcycle trip. If I can watch the kids alone for the weekend, so can he.

 

I have heard so many moms say that going out with friends isn't worth it because they come home to a mess. I would say this is often even the tendency with my own husband. But, I call him and give a warning that I'll be home in 30 minutes or whatever, and he knows now that the boys need to be ready for bed, the house picked up and vacuumed -- the same things that happen every night when I'm there. I figure, if I can do all that, and make dinner, and check school work, etc. in the evening, so can he. It's still not perfect. My husband is very up and down -- in spurts. Sometimes, he lets them spend the entire time I'm gone on video games, and they are not the least bit ready for bed when I come home. He swears he cannot put them to bed and tuck them in (they are 11 and 12) -- he just doesn't try. Yes, they still like to be hugged and told goodnight, but I'm the one that does this. Some nights, though, he is like Super Man, playing games with them, cleaning the house, etc.

 

I don't know, I may be bold on this, but I always say a man should not have children if he just wants a wife to care for them all the time. This is one thing I have been insistent on and fought for when needed.

 

I have to say, my brother is fantastic at this. I remember one Mother's Day, my dad (the caring for kids is woman's work man) was perturbed -- outraged, really, that my SIL went away with girlfriends on Mother's Day weekend. Their kids were younger than they are now (which is 5 and 3). He just couldn't believe a woman would stick her husband alone with kids -- and on a weekend in which he would traditionally have been served a nice Sunday meal. Both my brother and my SIL work outside the home, and they do have a lot of help -- first from nannies and then her mother, but my brother has always been a true caregiver. He would feed the babies in the middle of the night, he would bathe them, get them ready for bed, read stories. They often did these things together with the children. They have alternating schedules to some extent, so he has morning duty while she has afternoon duty.

 

I prefer being a stay-at-home mom, and I would not have the same sort of system here, but my point is, he was capable of doing all these things just as she was, and he never once considered them "her job." He considers them his privilege. He sees it as getting to spend more time with his kids. They do a lot together as a family -- they are very active. He is an ultramarathoner who is away often on weekends, but he will always say his wife is the great one for allowing him to do this, so he likes to give it his best when he isn't to give her the same time alone. He was the one taking the babies out on runs, pulling them on his bike, etc. I have really never seen such an interactive dad.

 

FWIW -- My husband rarely works over 40 hours. Yes, he's outside in the heat of the summer, but during those times, he works about 25 hours a week.

Edited by nestof3
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Dh takes them to his mom's maybe twice a year without me, but it's only for an hour or two at a time. He takes ds2 fishing 3-4 times per summer, but ds1 is not an outdoorsy type at all and refuses to go. He takes them to the track on Kentucky Derby Day to place their bets and hang out for about an hour. Other than that, he doesn't take them anywhere without me. Well, he does drop them off at Sunday school, but then HE comes back home. I'm rarely ever home alone, which is something I would LOVE!

 

He doesn't mind being left at home with the kids at all, though, so I often escape to the store, or even for scrapbooking weekends, and he's okay with that.

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But it wasn't just about me. My dh loves being with his kids, and I think the dynamic is different when mom isn't there - he learned himself how to manage a pack, how to tell when they are hungry or tired or have had enough. My boys are tight with their dad. He has a lot of fun with them, and that was true even when they were babies.

 

My dh doesn't have a problem taking care of my crew. He just doesn't have anywhere to go with them. I think this is probably where a larger family is just different than a smaller family.

 

Park? That would be silly. We live on 7 acres in the country.

 

Mall? That's silly too. We live over an hour away from the nearest mall. I will take all of them by myself on those larger shopping excursions, but I try my hardest to not take them. It's a huge pain. 2+ hours of driving and I only get two stops before my 1yo started to melt down. And, then of course, it takes so long that it involves a snack or a meal.

 

Out to eat? Too expensive. We save eating out for my twice monthly shopping.

 

Sports events? Nearly impossible to help the sporting child with a 1yo in tow.

 

Now....my dh takes kids places all.the.time. Every time he steps out the door he has 1-5 with him. But to actually take all 5 off our property at one time? Not happening. On the flip side, I don't take all 5 off our property when he is at home either. When we are both home, we each end up with at least 1 kid.

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He takes them at least once a week. They take turns picking where to go for dinner, get ice cream somewhere for dessert, and go to the Dollar Tree to spend a little of their allowance. I'm home for two and a half glorious hours alone.

 

It happens more now that the boys are older as there's more to do together, but I remember my husband strolling the boys around the neighborhood, walking around Target with them, taking them to the park. Stuff like that.

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My ex was the type to not want to ever take dd anywhere alone. Everything was done with all of us.

 

Dh, despite working long hours and sometimes 6 or 7 days a week, despite being an "older dad", has always been great with taking or watching the kids.

 

Even when the kids were younger, he would watch them when I went grocery shopping, when I had doctors appointments for me or oldest dd, for my and oldest to have mommy/daughter time, or anytime I had something to do that would be easier to not have the kids along and he was home. He watched them whenever dd had a dance competition, and when she had dance for just an hour or two, I'd drop her off and hang out in Panera with a book until it was time to pick her up.

 

Starting when my youngest was about 2 (no longer nursing) he began taking both of them to his parents house for the weekend about once a month. He still does that now and will probably continue as long as his parents are alive.

 

If he can't go for the weekend, he will sometimes take the kids to the park, an inside play place, or even just to the mall play area for a few hours.

 

We go camping, on vacations, to aquariums and zoos as a family (unless it's a "school" field trip then I take the kids alone).

 

It was important to me that dh not feel like he was "babysitting" the kids or doing me a favor watching them. He isn't a babysitter, he's a parent. He needs to be able to spend time with his children.

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It was important to me that dh not feel like he was "babysitting" the kids or doing me a favor watching them. He isn't a babysitter, he's a parent. He needs to be able to spend time with his children.

 

This is put very well. I see this as a natural inclination for many men today (clearly it's not everyone, but I see this a lot in real life). I think it was the viewpoint of many more men one or two generations ago.

 

I have spoken to women from church we used to attend about how much they would like time alone, but because the children were young, it wasn't going to happen. Breastfeeding is the only thing a mom is capable of doubt that a dad isn't.

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My dh has always watched the kids to let me get out of the house. However, he was always reluctant to take them somewhere and leave me at home. He told me once that it was because of the bathroom situation. With 2 girls, he wasn't comfortable letting them go into a restroom alone or with bringing them into the men's room.

 

Now that they are older he does bring them with him if he is going somewhere -- not all the time, but certainly more than before.

 

:) Beachy

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Almost every weekend, from the time they were a year old or so, he has taken them on an outing. Usually it's the park or the pool or something on a Saturday morning. It's HEAVENLY. My girlfriends are always shocked because really, I don't think it's very common. My kids love their daddy time, and I love my down time at home. I think it's been great for their relationships with one another, too.

 

He also takes at least a couple of them, and often all of them, grocery shopping with him on Sunday afternoons. That's a pretty recent habit we've fallen into, and I'm not counting on it to continue, but hey, I'm not complaining!

 

I was thinking maybe I shouldn't post, but this is my husband. As soon as DD could eat solids, he took her Breakfast almost EVERY Saturday. And I slept. Just today, he took the girls fishing. He takes them grocery shopping, to the park, when he runs errands (Hardware store stuff), and sometimes out to dinner. And I am not require to go. If I want to, that's fine. But it is not a requirement. He realizes that with homeschooling, I get PLENTY of 'family' time. DD1 can be challenging, (Aspie, Depression, Sensory Integration, Anxiety...) so he is always good about me having my time. Even as a toddler, there would be days when I would pretty much meet him in the driveway; He's coming home, and I'm LEAVING.

 

We do do family things together, don't get me wrong. But even on family vacations, he makes sure that I have some down time. That man is just Way too good for me!

 

 

ETA: DH has never felt he was babysitting. He is their dad, and he is doing what is needed to keep the family unit running smoothly.

Edited by cin
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Not. Nearly. Often. Enough.

 

BUT....

 

He works 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week so that I can stay home with the kids. Really hard to find fault with him :)

 

I feel for both of you. But it's good for you to recognize that.

 

It would be interesting to have this conversation with a few dads. I think many would have a very different perspective.

 

My husband sometimes relates to me the things men at work, church, and such talk to him about. Sometimes I read articles from a man's point of view. Sometimes young dads talk to me a little bit.

 

Many men feel as if they don't do enough, but they are tired after working all day too. Husbands of stay-home, non-income-producing moms (like me) have the complete financial burden on their shoulders. Some men say that when they get home from work, his wife hands him the baby and starts complaining about her rough day. She never asks how his day was.

 

Some wives complain that their husbands don't do things "right" and give the husband a huge list of rules to follow when he is with the kids. So it's not worth the hassle to try because he'll be criticized for everything he does differently than mom!

 

Men are continually bombarded with the saying "being a mom is the hardest job in the world" and they feel unappreciated because their job - providing the financial wherewithal for the family - isn't considered important enough.

 

I'm not saying there aren't uninterested/unsupportive husbands/dads out there. But this is a pretty one-sided conversation!

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DH takes all three probably 2 to 3 times a month somewhere without me. He takes one or two somewhere even more often. Last year he use to take all three to gymnastics on Saturday morning and then to the playground so I got a few hours every Saturday morning it was wonderful (he doesn't at the moment since DS1 is not cleared for gymnastics yet, so only the younger two are going and making DS sit and watch isn't really fair).

 

He will take all 3 to his parents without me occasionally when I really need a break. He will take them just out and about so I can get a break at home as needed as well. He has never taken all 3 somewhere overnight without me, but they are young so that would be tough, I can do it when I visit my parents, but anywhere else won't really work and he is unlikely to visit my parents without me.

 

It is really nice to get a quiet morning every so often it lets me recharge especially after a tough week.

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My husband will often take our oldest out with him when he is doing stuff. But, he never takes all 3. Ok, he has taken all 3 a couple of times to buy Christmas presents for me before.

 

I would love it if he wanted to go do activities with the kids by himself once in a while. But that's just now how he is.

Edited by JessReplanted
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*haven't read responses*

 

Honestly, almost every wknd. Sometimes he'll take just one or two (right now, he's having Daddy time w/Princess) but he's taken all 4 as well.

 

He's also offered to send me to visit SpecialMama for a wknd. And yeah, he's serious about it.

 

He's always been very good about me getting out of the house by myself. Since we moved, there hasn't been anywhere for me to go, though.

 

We have to go back to our old city tomorrow, so I can see my specialist, and part of it is absolutely me going out alone w/SpecialMama while he's at the hotel w/the kids.

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Many men feel as if they don't do enough, but they are tired after working all day too. Husbands of stay-home, non-income-producing moms (like me) have the complete financial burden on their shoulders. Some men say that when they get home from work, his wife hands him the baby and starts complaining about her rough day. She never asks how his day was.

 

Some wives complain that their husbands don't do things "right" and give the husband a huge list of rules to follow when he is with the kids. So it's not worth the hassle to try because he'll be criticized for everything he does differently than mom!

 

Men are continually bombarded with the saying "being a mom is the hardest job in the world" and they feel unappreciated because their job - providing the financial wherewithal for the family - isn't considered important enough.

 

Yes. Add the moms who structure the family so that it's mom+kids vs. daddy. Most (not all), of course) of the dads I know who have a "babysit" the kids mentality do so because mom has trained the dc and the dh to see it that way. I agree with everything you wrote, though I didn't know if any of those applied to the OP. It's hard to know when someone posts what their situation is, because we only hear one side.

 

I know there are the dads who leave the entire burden to mom, while dad has all the time he wants to go to the bar, fish, sleep, watch the game, whatever. But boy, I much more often see - in homeschooling circles, too - a dad who is working his behind off to provide for a one-income family and getting no respect for it.

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For those of you with lots of young children (and I didn't see many posting here), where does your dh take the kids for over an hour? I can't imagine where my dh would take them all at the same time.

Well, I don't have 'lots' of young children...Boo is 10 mths, then Princess is turning 6 a wk from today, Tazzie is 7.

 

He takes them hiking, Boo in a stroller. Takes them to the park. Takes them shopping. Takes them to the lake.

 

Honestly, I can't think of any place he *wouldn't* take them.

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My DH works a lot. When he's home in the morning, though, he gets the kids up and eats with them so I can sleep in. Once a week or so he takes one of the kids out to do something special and any time I have a doctor appointment (every other week at this point in pregnancy) he takes all three for me. A couple of times a week when he's home for bedtime he puts all three to bed. He's as hands on as he can be, and the kids and I really appreciate the effort he puts in!

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Yes. Add the moms who structure the family so that it's mom+kids vs. daddy. Most (not all), of course) of the dads I know who have a "babysit" the kids mentality do so because mom has trained the dc and the dh to see it that way. I agree with everything you wrote, though I didn't know if any of those applied to the OP. It's hard to know when someone posts what their situation is, because we only hear one side.

 

 

 

Oh, at this point - how many pages later? - I was not even thinking specifically of the OP! ;) My comment is much more general and is not targeted at anyone here.

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He helps me out by taking them to soccer practice. He will take the older 3 and baby stays with me.

 

He will take them to the store if he has to go to Home Depot or Wal Mart. He will either take one, two or all 3 olderd. Whoever wants to go.

 

He will take the older 3 fishing.

 

Anything else we pretty much do together as a family and other day to day stuff is up to me.

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Yes. Add the moms who structure the family so that it's mom+kids vs. daddy. Most (not all), of course) of the dads I know who have a "babysit" the kids mentality do so because mom has trained the dc and the dh to see it that way. I agree with everything you wrote, though I didn't know if any of those applied to the OP. It's hard to know when someone posts what their situation is, because we only hear one side.

 

I know there are the dads who leave the entire burden to mom, while dad has all the time he wants to go to the bar, fish, sleep, watch the game, whatever. But boy, I much more often see - in homeschooling circles, too - a dad who is working his behind off to provide for a one-income family and getting no respect for it.

 

And this is not what I have seen. I have seen men who go out with friends, go to hockey games, go out of town for fun. I have seen men who work no more hours than women believe that the default is always mom with kids. I have seen it be the fathers who set up the dichotomy you describe. I have seen the same thing exist even when the mom is working full-time. The husband comes home, puts his feet up. The wife comes home and starts dinner.

 

This is how it was in every single family one generation older than mine that I have known. There is no way my dad, or his dad, would ever have stayed home with kids alone.

 

I have seen the norm as being dads get six hours of free time every night while most moms get their free time spread throughout the day while for the most part still caring for people. I see men insisting they work harder than women all the time.

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And this is not what I have seen. I have seen men who go out with friends, go to hockey games, go out of town for fun. I have seen men who work no more hours than women believe that the default is always mom with kids. I have seen it be the fathers who set up the dichotomy you describe. I have seen the same thing exist even when the mom is working full-time. The husband comes home, puts his feet up. The wife comes home and starts dinner.

 

This is how it was in every single family one generation older than mine that I have known. There is no way my dad, or his dad, would ever have stayed home with kids alone.

 

I have seen the norm as being dads get six hours of free time every night while most moms get their free time spread throughout the day while for the most part still caring for people. I see men insisting they work harder than women all the time.

 

Then you need to come move by me. I have to kick my Dh out to get him to do something by himself.

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Every weekend and evening dh takes the kids with him wherever he goes. They go camping without me, to his parents' without me, to the park, Six Flags, movies, etc. It wasn't always like this, but I sure do love it now! He often takes them to work with him for the day, as well. Now, a lot of the time when they are away I'm still doing household stuff, planning, researching, etc., but I do take a lot of breaks. :D

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The whole "90 hours a week working and commuting" changes my opinion a great deal. My dh was always willing to take the kids on adventures by himself, but then again, he has about 40 hours more per week than your dh!

 

If the issue is you having time by yourself at home, why not hire a sitter or work out a trade with another mom? There's more than one way to skin a cat.

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And this is not what I have seen. I have seen men who go out with friends, go to hockey games, go out of town for fun. I have seen men who work no more hours than women believe that the default is always mom with kids. I have seen it be the fathers who set up the dichotomy you describe. I have seen the same thing exist even when the mom is working full-time. The husband comes home, puts his feet up. The wife comes home and starts dinner.

 

This is how it was in every single family one generation older than mine that I have known. There is no way my dad, or his dad, would ever have stayed home with kids alone.

 

I have seen the norm as being dads get six hours of free time every night while most moms get their free time spread throughout the day while for the most part still caring for people. I see men insisting they work harder than women all the time.

 

This was my ex. We both worked full time, often I also worked part-time or was in school. Yet his job was ALWAYS harder than mine. I would get home from my second job at 11pm/midnight after starting my first job at 7am, and my dd (6 or 7 at the time) would still be up watching tv with him, not even dressed for bed.

 

Interestingly though, my dh is quite a bit older than my ex. Dh is probably the same generation as the parents of some of the ladies on here (he's 56) yet he has a totally different attitude about it.

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My husband takes the kids all the time to their hockey practice and games. He even takes the kids who aren't playing that day just to free up time for me. So I get other things done while no one is at home.

 

My husband pitched in the from the beginning. I have to say I am very, very grateful. He started from day 1 with feeding the oldest (now 13) at night so I could sleep. Our youngest is 1. He takes the baby in the evening and he gets up in the middle of the night to check on the kids.

 

He leaves the house at 5:15 in the morning, BTW.

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Just to clarify, my DH doesn't work 90 hours a week. I think that was another poster who said that. My works roughly 9-hour days with 45 minutes of driving each way, and two days off per week.

 

Any of the moms I would switch with live too far away (at least 30 minutes) to be of any real benefit. We've had some bad experiences with hiring sitters, so I just don't bother anymore. My mom used to take the kids more, but she's running her own business now, so she's swamped.

 

Marbel said:

 

Many men feel as if they don't do enough, but they are tired after working all day too. Husbands of stay-home, non-income-producing moms (like me) have the complete financial burden on their shoulders. Some men say that when they get home from work, his wife hands him the baby and starts complaining about her rough day. She never asks how his day was.

 

This is what I don't want to do. I appreciate that I get to stay home and structure my day how I choose, and I definitely know that I'm choosing home over work, for sure. But I also know that I don't get any alone time, ever. Even when the kids are occupying themselves, I'm still "on." DH still gets an hour and a half in his car on a daily basis, talking on the phone with friends, listening to his own music, running all his errands before he gets home, eating whatever he wants without having to share, etc. The kids go to bed within an hour of his getting home, and then he gets to relax and watch TV all night and go to bed when he wants, while I'm usually still trying to lesson plan, wash one last load of laundry, and clean up the kitchen, let alone do something I want to do, like my knitting or reading a non-parenting-related book.

 

I gladly let him go out after work with friends (which doesn't happen that often anymore, but it happens), go to the gym, go to Vegas (4 days in August) and Atlantic City (2 days in October), and so on. And I never put any pressure on him to come to family gatherings with me or feel like they're not valuable time spent just because he's not there (which I think is what he feels about going to his mom's). I take the kids to parks and museums and field trips without him all the time, and they're still worth doing. I'd love for him to feel the same way!

 

Men are continually bombarded with the saying "being a mom is the hardest job in the world" and they feel unappreciated because their job - providing the financial wherewithal for the family - isn't considered important enough.

 

I try very hard to make him feel appreciated. I fully admit that I could not do what he does. He, on the other hand, thinks my job is pretty easy--until he's home with bickering girls for a few hours. Then he turns to me, wide-eyed, and says, "How do you DO this every day?" Yeah, good question, buddy!

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And this is not what I have seen. I have seen men who go out with friends, go to hockey games, go out of town for fun. I have seen men who work no more hours than women believe that the default is always mom with kids. I have seen it be the fathers who set up the dichotomy you describe. I have seen the same thing exist even when the mom is working full-time. The husband comes home, puts his feet up. The wife comes home and starts dinner.

 

Interesting. I've seen mothers set up the dichotomy. Here's what I've witnessed many times over:

Mama wants to be a SAHM and has the first baby. She wants to breastfeed exclusively, so she cuts dh out of the equation for (say, for example) putting the baby to bed or having the baby for more than an hour or two without her. BFing also turns into extended nursing and having mom at home every evening in order to put the kid to bed becomes a given. Only after she's done this routine for several years does she realize she's painted herself into a corner. Dh doesn't expect any role in child-management because dw did all the SuperWoman Attached Mama stuff for years and years to begin with. The kids are not accustomed to it, either. I have actually seen that dynamic play out amongst multiple people I know.

 

I feel like I sorta lucked out by having a dh who regularly did things on his own or with guy friends before we were even married, because it set up an expectation that it is acceptable for us to do things apart from each other. Going on a fishing trip to Canada with five guys for a week? I couldn't be happier, because I'm definitely calling in my turn when I want to! ;) As my SIL put it when her dh went on a big game hunting trip in the Middle of Nowhere for ten days, "Oh, man, I am scoring SO many points for this and I plan to call them in!" :D

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