My DD has began to Fib a lot

[tarana]

My dd(10) has been lying about almost everything off-late. about finishing her school work, throwing trash, just about everything.

 

2 days ago she told my DH that I ate all their snacks. Fact is, I find them yucky. Today I find several snack wrappers in her desk. This I understand because we curb her sugar intake.

 

What worries me is her lying about finishing her school work. Tonight I open her book and she has done only 1 problem out of 30. Her sister had difficulty & was asking questions about it earlier.She said it was a easy worksheet and finished it quickly.

Yesterday, she was telling her sister to write answers on her palm and was telling her it is not considered cheating because no one will know.

 

She is now getting gifts from her friends. Not sure what she giving them in return. My policy is you need something ask me, don't take it from others.

I can't be policing her all the time.

 

Is this a 10 yr old trying take control or bad companionship?

How do you stop this behavior?

Edited September 14, 2012 by tarana

[TXMomof4]

Just giving you a bump. Mine have been younger when they went through the lying stage so my advice would be different. I'm sure someone will have great advice though!

[SailorMom]

Ug - :grouphug:

My older son started this at about 7. We had to really crack down. He would fib about almost anything - no matter how obvious it was he was lying. And boy would he stick to his story!!!

In our house, lying has always been the worst offense and has been the most harshly punished. Every single fib, little white lie, had to be followed by consequences that really out-sized the offense, but it was the only way to get him to get the point! It took YEARS. He would do well for a long time - and then start slipping up again and we'd have to start the whole process over again.

I think all kids go through a phase of seeing what we can figure out, but I think DS had a real problem with it that we had to work hard at conquering.

I have no doubt he still lies to us occasionally, but so far we seem to have a handle on it.

[AmyontheFarm]

:grouphug: This is a hard age, I've been there twice before. Please know that what I write below, I wish someone had the nerve to tell me.

 

"2 days ago she told my DH that I ate all their snacks. Fact is, I find them yucky. Today I find several snack wrappers in her desk. This I understand because we curb her sugar intake."

 

Don't understand this. Deal with this. She lied to your DH about you. Have DH call her out on it. Don't allow her to create a gap between you and your husband. There's a reason you were curbing her sugar intake, does she understand the reasoning? Even if she doesn't, she must obey the house rules.

 

"What worries me is her lying about finishing her school work. Tonight I open her book and she has done only 1 problem out of 30. Her sister had difficulty & was asking questions about it earlier.She said it was a easy worksheet and finished it quickly.

Yesterday, she was telling her sister to write answers on her palm and was telling her it is not considered cheating because no one will know."

 

At least, she not a good liar. Make her show you when she is done her work, who marks it to see if it is correct? Perhaps, Daddy can enforce this. When things were going sour between my and dd, Daddy was the hero, he started checking in on things, started the hard conversations, etc and I stayed silent for months. I just let Daddy deal with it. Mine was such a Daddy's girl, she didn't want to disappoint him so she stepped up to the plate.

 

Have you explained that cheating is still cheating even if no one knows? Ask her where she learnt to do this, on a tv show? Then that show needs to be shut off until she understands that the behaviour is unacceptable. From a friend? Well, they aren't really friends are they, block that relationship for a while.

 

Your daughter has lied to DH, sibling, you ( and possibly friends) you need to grab the bull by the horns and curb this now before she gets any older.

"She is now getting gifts from her friends. Not sure what she giving them in return. My policy is you need something ask me, don't take it from others."

I would go and ask the other parents what their child is getting in return. You might not like the answer but the truth will help you curb this behavior quickly if necessary. If need be, have her return the items and apologize to the other child and the parents, if she did something wrong.

 

"I can't be policing her all the time."

 

It sounds like your dd is pushing her boundaries, let her know where those boundaries are to stay, and re-enforce them every single time until she grows out of this phase. If you don't train her up she'll train herself up, and I'm betting you won't like how she trains herself up.

 

If you don't police her, there are plenty of examples of 18 year olds who were never policed by their parents and the actual police are now policing them.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it is a season in your dd's young life. If you hide your head, this season will extend and extend in length and become even more difficult. If you nip it in the bud, the season will be shorter.

 

I'm sending :grouphug: because again, I've traveled that road. Once, I traveled it poorly, the second time I traveled it better. I'm hoping with children #3 and #4 I will improve again. I'm not perfect and thank God for that! :)

[Kelly1730]

:iagree: with the pp. It could be just a "stage" or it could be a character trait. We have friends who have a dd, now 24, who was a habitual liar from the time she was young and still is. It's very sad. I would call her on it, each. and. every. time. She needs to understand that this is a serious offense and, please, call it what it is. Lying not "fibbing". Somehow that lessens the seriousness of it.

[eternalknot]

I think it's a normal phase to go through, but it can also be exacerbated by a few things -- one, the perception of never being believed about anything and deciding to fulfill that prophecy OR two, pure laziness or embarassment driven by a desire to defer any consequences in hope "nobody will notice or care" by that point. I'm sure there are more but those are the areas of which I'm most familiar.

 

The snacks could be a physiological thing, a compulsion if you're actively trying to curb her sugar intake and her body wants or needs more (whether physically or mentally). She's not thinking logically, but reacting on a biological level. Or it could be that she is acting out against however you're trying to curb her sugar intake (is it a control issue from her POV? a struggle from yours?) and she binged or otherwise demonstrated lack of self-control and is otherwise embarassed. She knows the truth will come out (I'm assuming your DH will believe you, and that DD also knows this) so whatever the motivation it's a lie of desperation. That's a different beast than a garden-variety lie, IMO.

 

Lying about everything else -- school, chores ... those are things that are an easier fix, though somewhat inconvenient for you as you're handling it. So what happens when you discover that her schoolwork isn't completed - did you have her do it right then and there upon discovery? did you save it for her to do tomorrow during school? what will happen time-wise now that she's effectively behind by a day? what did she do during the day instead, when you were still under the assumption the work had been done? (Rhetorical questions. Ask yourself what she gained by lying and putting off the work. Figure out how to squash a repeat opportunity.)

 

So maybe it means that you have to sit next to her while she works next week. And maybe it means this doesn't leave you your usual time to prepare meals or do your own chores, so naturally you'll require more contribution from the family (or eat simple meals or defer afternoon extracurriculars or plans to get chores completed.) Or if that's not possible, maybe it means that after every subject she must check in with you so you can do a quick check that the work is completed. This will slow her down and extend her school day a bit, depending on how you handle it (e.g., I'd not drop everything to check, I'd build in a small wait as I do any other unnecessary interruption to my work.)

 

As to the cheating - I think this is a normal outlet to see how far one can get with something, knowing it's not right, and justifying it to oneself (or in this case, oneself AND one's sister LOL).

 

Maybe it's time to re-read or assign The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Really, IMO when you focus on the actual behavior and try to discipline INDEPENDENt of working on it as a character issue ... they just get better at the behavior, and at hiding it. Remind her that all she has is her word, and once people no longer believe it ... well, it can take A LONG TIME for people to feel they can trust her again. Not just you, but her friends. Maybe there's someone in your life you can use as an example?

 

Then discipline in a way that supports this as a character issue moreso than you do punish. Kindly but unapologetically ask for tangible proof of the things she says. She'll eventually realize that not everything she says will have tangible proof ("I love you" or "I'm sorry" for example) and how important her word really is. Eventually LOL.

[Laurie4b]

Relationship. Relationship. Relationship.

 

Consequences are necessary, but punishment will tend to only push dishonesty deeper.

 

Unless you think that this child does not have a mutually loving relationship with you, don't let yourself be derailed by fears of lifelong character issues. If she has a relationship with you, this can be fixed. If she doesn't, that's the bigger issue. (I mention this only because kids with a personality disorder who lie are different than kids doing garden variety lying. The key issue in distinguishing is the relationship/empathy issue. You mentioned nothing to invoke that, but when others share their stories of people who lied as children and still do as adults, etc. they could be describing someone with a personality disorder which doesn't apply to most situations.)

 

So, I would arrange a time when you and dh can take your dd out to dinner, just the 3 of you. (you can do this for other kids later if you're a "keep it even" family.) The point is that you set the stage for a relationship talk. Then you lay out the evidence. Not with anger, but with concern. Not with lectures, either. Just lay out the evidence, objectively. Let her respond, and interrupt only if the response is dishonesty.

 

Your goal is to gain insight into what is going on in her. What is she trying to avoid or gain by dishonesty? (You're looking for something beyond the obvious). Dishonesty in kids in moral homes can have as its deeper purpose to retain reputation with the parents. Dishonesty can also mean that a person is trying to grab for the gold ring behind the authority's back because in some way, they don't believe the authority will give them what they need. There are other issues as well, but you want to be open and helpful to her in figuring it out. The dishonesty is the enemy of the relationship; therefore, you are going in as her ALLIES against the common enemy of the relationship, not as her judges, though you may decide there are consequences.

 

Hear her out first, because it may be that you discover there is something in your behavior that makes lying more profitable than coming to you about something. (This is not always the case, but most of us parents have at least minor tweaking we can do at any given time!) If this type of thing comes out, you can be understanding and open to making adjustments in your behavior without condoning lying, remembering, that what you are after is to protect the relationship.

 

Only after you have heard her out, and she understands that you understand, do you lay out (not in a lecture, but from the heart) what impact dishonesty has on the relationship: it breaks trust. That is the main consequence she has to live with until she regains it. Don't be harsh with this, but just natural.

 

At this point, you can talk with her about consequences and invite her to contribute her ideas on what might be appropriate.

 

You want her to be able to admit to you when she is lying/has lied. Dishonesty dies in the light. Invite her into the light as a safe place. Use this as a time to show her another layer of how deeply she is loved and how much you are on her side and care about her.

 

I am not saying don't treat it seriously; I am saying, treat it relationally, not as a crime with judge and punishment, which can simply drive it underground. I am not saying no consequences; I am saying get at the root of it before you choose consequences.