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Best advice for making small talk? & a slight vent


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Anyone have ideas for me on how to make small talk? I have to attend a gallery opening w/ Dh for a fellow artist tomorrow. This particular artist is very successful and there are people with serious wealth dressed to the nines milling around. This is the 2nd opening of his we are attending, and boy was I nervous at the first one. I did manage to make conversation with the artist himself and his wife...maybe the gallery owners too.

 

I just feel so uncomfortable at these things and by Fri night I really don't feel like pleasing a bunch of strangers with my scintillating conversation. Actually, I impress myself if I can still be dressed and manage to utter my own name by 7pm Fri. I hate the standing around looking stupid business at these openings. But, Dh thinks I do better than he does, so he likes me to be there. I sometimes think once I open my mouth people remember me because of the steady stream of nonsense that pours forth. :glare: Still one of the gallery owners did vividly remember my last conversation with her and included a reference to it in an email. Urgh! Why can't I just stay home with some fuzzy slippers?

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I used to work in development, which meant I had to make soooo much small talk with people that I really needed to suck up to while making them feel happy and comfortable and ready to write me a check. And I HATE small talk.

 

The two never-fail conversation openers are 1) to mention that the traffic or roads getting there was either particularly good or particularly bad; or 2) say something about the recent weather.

 

They seem like minor topics, but once you get them on the table, people LOVE to expound on the traffic, which leads to conversations about where they live and work, where they vacation, and how they'd much rather be sailing. And weather conversations are a direct invitation for them to tell you all about their summer (beach trips, gardening, how much they love or hate the heat) and their fall/winter plans.

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Depending on where you are in the world... I like "where are you from". It worked great when we lived in an area where everyone came from somewhere else (university town, not a lot of people who grew up there and stayed), but it's still interesting where we are now with an extremely stable population... even though I was startled at first when people would give me a street name. :lol:

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My method of getting through small talk is to ask a lot of questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. :001_smile:

 

Absolutely! People will remember you as a great conversationalist because you let them talk about themselves. :D

 

We once attended an event where there were a few serious family money people, like if I typed out her name people here would know it. She had a working relationship with a relative and so this person knew who we were. We had a lovely two minute conversation where she only asked about us and our son. It helped me to not stumble over my own name so much, knowing that even seriously socialized people redirect their conversations as well.

 

Also remember chit chat doesn't have to take a long time. Most people like to circulate the room, so shallow conversation is okay.

 

Also remember to smile, not too much, but do smile. I tend to get this serious look when I'm nervous. Making a conscious effort to appear welcoming helps.

 

Breath mints too, don't forget those.

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My method of getting through small talk is to ask a lot of questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. :001_smile:

 

I agree. As a military wife, I do this a lot.

 

Standard questions:

How long have you lived here? Where are you from originally?

 

Is this your lovely wife? How long have you been married? Where did you meet?

 

Do you have kids? How many? How old are they? Do they go to school around here?

 

Eta: I am an extrovert, but this is the tactic I use to get the introverts talking. ;)

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Honestly, you probably only have to mention that you homeschool, and soon you'll have a circle of people around you all asking invasive questions based on an episode of the Duggars they saw. You'll be the hit of the party!

 

Or is that not what you want? :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm definitely not going for that. I wonder how many of these people would know who the Duggars are. Now I'm curious. Not curious enough to find out though.

 

So you think I should wear a denim skirt and a polo? :lol:

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I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels so out-of-it at these things.

 

I say leave your fuzzy slippers in the car so you can smile to yourself knowing that your comfort is very nearby!

 

Alley

 

You know what, I may do that! I might have trouble not laughing hysterically at the thought of them waiting patiently for me in the car.

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I agree. As a military wife, I do this a lot.

 

Standard questions:

How long have you lived here? Where are you from originally?

 

Is this your lovely wife? How long have you been married? Where did you meet?

 

Do you have kids? How many? How old are they? Do they go to school around here?

 

Eta: I am an extrovert, but this is the tactic I use to get the introverts talking. ;)

 

Thanks. I think Dh and I are going to think up some questions tonight. I think I've got a book about conversation around here somewhere too.

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Thanks. I think Dh and I are going to think up some questions tonight. I think I've got a book about conversation around here somewhere too.

 

Think of some stories to answer these questions you can put in your arsenal. Something with some humor. Practice them, it will help you feel more relaxed.

 

Where did you meet your husband? We had to answer this question in a group situation of military wives the other day. ALL of the women used this as an opportunity to add some humor, give you a peek into themselves and their relationship. The one man there said, "we were both in the military, stationed at X," and left it at that. It was funny because it was SO noticeable in that situation.

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This may not apply everywhere, but I have noticed that at an art gallery the greatest thing you can do is NOTICE. People intentionally dress artistically (for lack of a better word) and will be thrilled to tell you who made which item of clothing, where they got it, and why they are passionate about it.

 

 

 

Oh, I noticed that your necklace is handmade. Where did you pick up such a nice piece?

 

 

 

What a nice handbag. I love knits. Who made it?

 

 

 

Wow, what a great tie. That's hand screened isn't it?

 

 

Superficial, but pleasant conversation ensues.

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Anyone have ideas for me on how to make small talk?

 

Pretend you're on a message board. Envision the things being said to you as print on a message board. Imagine you are typing replies to what's being said, and then say what you see yourself typing ;). I have actually used this technique to reasonable success.

 

Oh, and people LOVE talking about themselves, so ask them questions about their life and nod your head a lot.

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Yes, the introverts ask the questions and the extroverts answer them. That's the way the world turns :D

 

Sorry I'm a serious extrovert, and I'm always asking questions in social situations.

 

I don't like to talk about myself, it feels too vulnerable.

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This may not apply everywhere, but I have noticed that at an art gallery the greatest thing you can do is NOTICE. People intentionally dress artistically (for lack of a better word) and will be thrilled to tell you who made which item of clothing, where they got it, and why they are passionate about it.

 

 

 

Oh, I noticed that your necklace is handmade. Where did you pick up such a nice piece?

 

 

 

What a nice handbag. I love knits. Who made it?

 

 

 

Wow, what a great tie. That's hand screened isn't it?

 

 

Superficial, but pleasant conversation ensues.

 

The people there don't dress artsy. They are dressed in very upscale business attire or dresses. They are there to make serious investments in oil paintings (mostly). I'm fairly certain many see any purchase they make as a business venture. This artist's paintings sell for anywhere from $8,000 - $30,000, and quite a few sell. Dh's paintings don't command those prices. We live in a completely different world and I have great difficulty relating to most of the people there.

 

With one of the owners I can talk about horses, riding, dogs, and music to a certain extent, though her knowledge in most of these areas is greater than mine. If I could talk about artisan type things, I'd feel more at ease, maybe. Then again maybe not, b/c I'm certain I'd reveal my ignorance of how desirable the artisan is. I know nothing about the current trends of the wealthy buyer's tastes. But, I will pay more attention and see if I notice anything that looks like it might possibly be handcrafted. It's possible there were people I didn't notice b/c of my level of nervousness.

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You could pretend you are James Bond and a Bond girl out on a mission. YOu must collect information about people and gather data on them. In order to be a good spy, you must be observant.

 

Oh, I like this. I can collect info for a short story about the characters at the opening (Uh, I mean people). Great idea!

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Hey, just wear the fuzzy slippers to the gallery and you won't have any trouble making conversation:lol:

 

As many have said, ask questions and listen. It sounds like you already have some pretty good skills though! Do they serve wine?? That would help!

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This may not apply everywhere, but I have noticed that at an art gallery the greatest thing you can do is NOTICE. People intentionally dress artistically (for lack of a better word) and will be thrilled to tell you who made which item of clothing, where they got it, and why they are passionate about it.

 

 

 

Oh, I noticed that your necklace is handmade. Where did you pick up such a nice piece?

 

 

 

What a nice handbag. I love knits. Who made it?

 

 

 

Wow, what a great tie. That's hand screened isn't it?

 

 

Superficial, but pleasant conversation ensues.

 

This is a great point. Find something to compliment someone on. This gives them something else to talk about.

 

I love your hair, where do you get it cut?

 

Those are great earrings, I love ___.

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I try to ask people for suggestions to get them talking.

 

"I have been really wanting to try a new restaurant, have you been to any place interesting lately?"

 

"you earrings are beautiful, are they hand made? Does that designer display locally?"

 

"I plan to go shopping for a new dress this weekend, have any local designers caught your eye this season?"

 

"I hear you are remodeling....how is it going? Do you like your designer? Oh your are doing it all yourself? What are your colors?..."

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I work on an airplane. I make small talk in operations with the crew; I make small talk at the gate with other employees; I make small talk with passengers as they board; I make small talk during the service; I make small talk as they invade my galley while I'm eating and they're waiting to use the lav; I make small talk when they deplane; I make small talk on the van at at the hotel check-in desk ... pretty much I'm a professional small-talk-maker :tongue_smilie:. And that's just my paid job, not my side gig as a chauffeur to kids' extracurriculars LOL.

 

Know a few recent Things That Have Been In The News (not political, obviously LOL), and have those in the back of your mind as emergency topics. Just browse the headlines of the USA Today on your way out the door or watch fifteen minutes of the morning news show. Alternatively, be familiar with whatever it is The Public is reading these days - like Hunger Games or 50 Shades or whatever the It Book is right now. Be able to contribute SOMETHING about a recent news item if someone else brings it up; you can use this to volley the topic back to them, then ask them to elaborate their opinion/insight/etc.

 

Ask a question that makes them feel knowledgeable, like they know something you don't about the immediate surroundings (artist/art/venue/event/etc). It's less interrogative, so less awkward. It takes the pressure off, too. People like to feel smart. And some people like to feel smarter LOL. Either way, it's a good way to get them doing the talking.

 

Things that can get awkward when commenting on something specific to the other person ("Oh, you look great in purple!" or "Wow, gorgeous earrings!") -- half of the people won't take the bait and then the crickets show up chirping after their obligatory "Thank you." Not worth the gamble LOL.

 

It's good to be verbally demonstrative, moreso than usual. Throw in some "Uh-huhs" and "Right, yes, I know!" at strategic times to keep them going. Even (most) extroverts will stop talking if they're not getting encouraging feedback from the other person. Cue the awkward silence LOL.

 

IME the thing with small talk is that it's less about what you're actually talking about and more about the VIBE you're exchanging (if that makes sense). It's kind of just basically feeding off of each other's energy. What I mean is that even if you follow everyone's suggestions to the letter, if you're feeling anxious or out-of-place then that's going to overpower any verbal cues or participation. The small talking WILL be awkward. And even if you have absolutely nothing to discuss, and you show up with a blank mind and no plan for conversation, that if you have a good energy about you there will be no shortage of extroverts who seek you out and initiate (then guide) the small talk. They'll feed off of your vibe.

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I agree. As a military wife, I do this a lot.

 

Standard questions:

How long have you lived here? Where are you from originally?

 

Is this your lovely wife? How long have you been married? Where did you meet?

 

Do you have kids? How many? How old are they? Do they go to school around here?

 

Eta: I am an extrovert, but this is the tactic I use to get the introverts talking. ;)

 

:iagree: I laughed at introverts saying that's how they get us extroverts talking because that's how I "help" people who clearly seem to be uncomfortable in big, social events. Excellent questions! OP, write these on your hand. ;)

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My method of getting through small talk is to ask a lot of questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

Opening with a compliment helps as well as a pp stated. I can now do small talk fairly well with a combo of these things, although I still find it very draining!

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Thanks for all the advice! Posting an update in case anyone was wondering how it went.

 

I read some of The Art of Mingling and came up with some ideas. Btw, in the book she says art gallery openings are some of the hardest places to mingle. I shared some pointers with Dh. As we were looking at the artwork I joked with him that we should turn it into a game to see who could talk to the most previously unknown people. I won.

 

My approach was to look for people who are viewing paintings or just standing around and ask them "So, which one are you going to buy?" or some variation. Worked like a charm. I wish I had talked to the woman whose husband bought a $12,000 painting more, but I couldn't figure out how to tactfully ask how on earth they can afford such a large purchase. In a way I hit the jackpot when I struck up a conversation with friends of the artist b/c they could have talked all night. The only problem was they prevented me from talking to more people and while I enjoyed talking with them, I didn't actually get to participate in Dh's conversation with the artist. In the end it probably doesn't matter. Dh is going to correspond with him via email and we are going to visit his studio sometime this fall.

 

Dh and I talked about mingling on the way home and we are going to read more and practice everywhere so we can do better at these events. I realized though, that I have already been doing some without even thinking about it.

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Thanks for all the advice! Posting an update in case anyone was wondering how it went.

 

I read some of The Art of Mingling and came up with some ideas. Btw, in the book she says art gallery openings are some of the hardest places to mingle. I shared some pointers with Dh. As we were looking at the artwork I joked with him that we should turn it into a game to see who could talk to the most previously unknown people. I won.

 

My approach was to look for people who are viewing paintings or just standing around and ask them "So, which one are you going to buy?" or some variation. Worked like a charm. I wish I had talked to the woman whose husband bought a $12,000 painting more, but I couldn't figure out how to tactfully ask how on earth they can afford such a large purchase. In a way I hit the jackpot when I struck up a conversation with friends of the artist b/c they could have talked all night. The only problem was they prevented me from talking to more people and while I enjoyed talking with them, I didn't actually get to participate in Dh's conversation with the artist. In the end it probably doesn't matter. Dh is going to correspond with him via email and we are going to visit his studio sometime this fall.

 

Dh and I talked about mingling on the way home and we are going to read more and practice everywhere so we can do better at these events. I realized though, that I have already been doing some without even thinking about it.

 

I'm so glad to hear the update! :hurray: :hurray:

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My method of getting through small talk is to ask a lot of questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

Everyone likes a fresh audience! Nothing scintillating needs to come from you other than a genuine interest. (if you read up a little on this artist, or his genre, or whatever, you might be able to feel more at ease). Everyone has a story to tell! And everyone has something they like to talk about. Most people would rather meet a good listener than a good talker, anyway.

 

Good luck, sounds fun!

 

Edit: Sorry I didn't see the event is already past, but it sounds like you did a great job!

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I agree. As a military wife, I do this a lot.

 

Standard questions:

How long have you lived here? Where are you from originally?

 

Is this your lovely wife? How long have you been married? Where did you meet?

 

Do you have kids? How many? How old are they? Do they go to school around here?

 

Eta: I am an extrovert, but this is the tactic I use to get the introverts talking. ;)

 

You know, I'm genuinely interested in where people are from, how many kids they have, where they work or worked etc., but I often get the feeling that maybe I'm being too nosy or something.

 

It's nice to hear that so many of you think people like to talk about themselves -- I'm often afraid of coming off as intrusive.

 

Alley

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My method of getting through small talk is to ask a lot of questions! Most people like to talk about themselves. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: Small talk does NOT come naturally to me. I don't understand it and I find it very annoying. I'm also a fairly private person and I can't help feeling like it's rude to ask questions of people. That if they want to share with me, they will. But I've had to get over the question aversion. If someone brings something up about their lives, ask more questions about it.

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:iagree:

 

Everyone likes a fresh audience! Nothing scintillating needs to come from you other than a genuine interest. (if you read up a little on this artist, or his genre, or whatever, you might be able to feel more at ease). Everyone has a story to tell! And everyone has something they like to talk about. Most people would rather meet a good listener than a good talker, anyway.

 

Good luck, sounds fun!

 

Edit: Sorry I didn't see the event is already past, but it sounds like you did a great job!

 

Thanks. I think I surprised Dh. He has thanked me for going about 10 times since last night.

 

My husband is also an artist with paintings at the gallery. We usually know quite a bit about the artist, artwork and gallery. Often we have a slight acquaintance with the artist already. It's the other people attending the event that I sometimes find intimidating---especially if it is obvious they are wealthy or live a lifestyle that I can tell is vastly different from mine. I'm learning to get over that feeling and realize they are just people.

 

What was really funny last night was when the gallery owner made a point to introduce me to her husband. He remodels high end kitchens. Very high end. I don't exactly know where he fits int the picture. He works with the designers and contractors. So I talked kitchens for a while. He was giving me all kinds of advice about 'when' I remodel and how important the designer is and to pick a good one. I was laughing inside b/c there is only one designer I can afford (me) and my 'remolding' will probably consist of taking down the wall paper myself, painting myself and talking my FIL into helping Dh replace the floors and counters. Maybe I'd consider refinishing the cabinets (again myself).

 

I love the look of many remodeled and redesigned kitchens, but I just have too many other ways to spend money-----Oh! and none to spend currently. I never let on that we don't have the money. I simply said that we were waiting for the kids and dogs to grow up!

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Glad to hear it went so well :) . Small talk can be exhausting but it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself.

 

You know, as much as the sensible side of me despises the whole small talk thing, I did enjoy myself. I know I looked really nice (unlike my usual homeschool teacher uniform of yoga pants and a polo) and that made me feel good.

 

I love the artwork, so viewing it was a treat, and it's nice to talk to others who feel that way. And it was good for me to listen to people talk about their lives. I found myself getting interested. An added bonus.....it was great to talk to people who not only answered my questions, but were also interested in me and listened to what I had to say as though it actually had merit (as opposed to trying to talk Dc into believing that I actually know what I'm talking about). There was no school talk at all. It really was like a breath of fresh air and reminded me that I am a person beyond all this school stuff---you know, more than just the hag that moves around books and schleps the kids around.:tongue_smilie:

 

I came home wondering why I doubt myself so much and thinking I need to stop letting the house and school stuff drag me down. I guess it was a big boost to my self esteem, and I didn't even realize I needed it! Maybe more mingling would be good for me. Of course, I'll probably still panic about it.:lol:

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