Is this a new thing? Asking for $$ instead of. . .

[4everHis]

. . .flowers at a funeral? I've never seen it where I'm from in Texas but see it a lot here in the mid-west. It's usually worded, "In lieu of flowers please consider donations to the family." or somthing like that.

[Truscifi]

I haven't seen a request for donations to the family, but when a friend recently passed away it was requested that in lieu of flowers people make donations to the Human Rights campaign, which he strongly supported.

[warneral]

It's not new, and IMO it is respectful. Unlike asking for money in lieu of gifts for a wedding present.

 

In this case the deceased felt that flowers are a waste of money and would rather it be used for something more worthwhile.

 

Eta I didn't realize that it is for donations to the family. I don't have a problem with it since funeral costs are so high.

[littlebug42]

It does happen here, in the midwest, especially in situations where the family cannot pay the funeral expenses. Dh's family is from Wisconsin and it seems even more common there. When my FIL died, many people sent money to my MIL, often with the purpose of having a mass said for him. When dh's grandfather died, there was even a box set out at the funeral that many people dropped cards in often with money inside. There were not many flowers except from his children's employers etc. I grew up in a family where flowers were always sent so it is a little foreign to me. However, I do remember at my grandmother's funeral, that there were so many flowers, we had no idea what to do with them all afterwards. They money or donations are much more practical.

[MrsBanjoClown]

I've seen that in cases where there was no insurance and the family needs money to pay for the funeral/burial or if there were large medical bills.

[momma2three]

I've never seen "money to the family," but it's very normal here to request money to a charity that the deceased supported or to something related to their cause of death. Honestly, I think it's a much better use of money.

[regentrude]

I have never seen a request for a donation to the family, but I frequently see requests for donations to a charity, often one related to the disease that caused the person's death.

I find this a very sensible way of honoring the deceased; it does more good than flowers, and this can bring comfort to the family.

[nertsmommy]

I've never seen it. I can understand it though. If a family had no insurance to cover the burial. It can get expensive.

[Desert Rat]

We used the "in lieu of flowers please donate to his favorite charity xyz". I have had friends ask for help privately or mutual friends take up collections, but not printed.

[Ellie]

I haven't seen donations requested for the family, either, but I have seen requests for donations to charitable organizations.

[Lady Florida.]

I've never seen it. I've only seen requests for money to be sent to a charity or organization. I don't think it's bad, just unusual.

[Janie Grace]

I've never seen "money to the family," but it's very normal here to request money to a charity that the deceased supported or to something related to their cause of death. Honestly, I think it's a much better use of money.

 

:iagree: I think asking for money for personal use (even if it's to defray funeral expenses) is a bit awkward. That seems like something that maybe the extended family should discuss and rally to help with.

[Pawz4me]

It's becoming more and more common around here. Just a few weeks ago one of my mother's neighbors died. Her husband asked for money in lieu of flowers because there were so many outstanding medical bills. It's also common when someone dies for the family to request donations to a scholarship fund if there are surviving school aged kids.

[justamouse]

Flowers are beautiful and I love them, but people spend hundreds on them and they die. I'm torn on flowers, but I don't like getting flowers in the first place, so I'm biased.

 

It can be for charities.

 

And, frankly, with the cost of funerals these days, and families being so financially unstable, I can totally see asking for the $. A funeral can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Most of the time families don't have the $ saved, or the insurance, and it's not like death ever comes at a planned time.

 

So though it seems 'off', I would help out gladly.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I've seen it here--even in the funeral notices in the paper. Sometimes it doesn't even say "In lieu of flowers," but instead something like, "Donations can be made at XYZ Bank."

[jeninok]

I wish we would have asked for donations, or even opened a fund to help pay for the many funerals we had so very close together.

 

My Dh lost his mom and dad within 3 months of each other, then both grandmothers, and a dear uncle within the next 2 years.

 

We ended up being responsible for paying for 4 of those funerals, and even with small services and cremations it was incredibly difficult.

 

It took us 2 years to finally be able to get a headstone for his parents.

 

The financial stress was a huge extra burden on top of all of the grief my DH was facing.

[Evergreen State Sue]

When my dh's parents passed away about 7 years ago, a family member asked us if we would like to have money to help with expenses, stating she hated to spend it on flowers when it could go to better use. We were thankful to be given that option. Then, when her mother passed away this year, I asked her if she would prefer that, and she appreciated it because there are a lot of hidden expenses. When another family member passed away about a month ago, a few siblings were just going to pool money to send flowers because we were not as close with them and they lived across country. Then we called the funeral home to find out if the family had a preference on donations instead of flowers and the funeral home said the family would prefer if donations were sent to the widow. So that is what we did.

 

If I thought it would be a small service and not very many flowers, it is nice to send flowers. But our family knows what a burden funeral expenses can be to a family, so if it is an option, I think it is a good one to donate to the family. I guess you have to use your own judgement if you think the money you sent will be used wisely.

[Ellie]

I haven't seen donations requested for the family, either, but I have seen requests for donations to charitable organizations.

Checked with Miss Manners. :) She says [my interpretation; you should read all of her comments in the book, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, by Judith Martin] that money instead of flowers is acceptable because it is not being accepted by the honoree (who is the deceased).

[dirty ethel rackham]

I've seen asking for donations to a favorite charity in lieu of flowers, but almost never to the family. In cases where there was a sudden death of a child or a young parent, I've seen a fund set up for the family - usually for huge medical bills or children's college education.

[Jen+4dc]

I've never seen "money to the family," but it's very normal here to request money to a charity that the deceased supported or to something related to their cause of death. Honestly, I think it's a much better use of money.

:iagree:

 

When my dh's parents passed away about 7 years ago, a family member asked us if we would like to have money to help with expenses, stating she hated to spend it on flowers when it could go to better use. We were thankful to be given that option. Then, when her mother passed away this year, I asked her if she would prefer that, and she appreciated it because there are a lot of hidden expenses. When another family member passed away about a month ago, a few siblings were just going to pool money to send flowers because we were not as close with them and they lived across country. Then we called the funeral home to find out if the family had a preference on donations instead of flowers and the funeral home said the family would prefer if donations were sent to the widow. So that is what we did.

 

If I thought it would be a small service and not very many flowers, it is nice to send flowers. But our family knows what a burden funeral expenses can be to a family, so if it is an option, I think it is a good one to donate to the family. I guess you have to use your own judgement if you think the money you sent will be used wisely.

I love the idea of asking the family (assuming you know them well enough).

I much prefer the idea of donating to a cause the deceased believed in than buying flowers that are, ultimately, fairly useless. No disrespect intended, but I think the comfort that comes from flowers isn't the flowers itself, it's knowing that the giver cares about you and is thinking of you. I always try and send a condolence card with a notation that I made a donation to XYZ charity in the deceased's name to honor their life.

[TravelingChris]

I have only seen it with regards to a victim of a crime or other tragedy- house fire or something like that. Usually it is for a very poor person. I am not talking about charitable donations, I am talking about funeral expenses.

[OnTheBrink]

I've seen it here--even in the funeral notices in the paper. Sometimes it doesn't even say "In lieu of flowers," but instead something like, "Donations can be made at XYZ Bank."

 

I've seen this, too. I've seen it more often in situations where the deceased died unexpectedly.

[bobbeym]

I have never seen a request for a donation to the family, but I frequently see requests for donations to a charity, often one related to the disease that caused the person's death.

I find this a very sensible way of honoring the deceased; it does more good than flowers, and this can bring comfort to the family.

 

:iagree:

 

I see this a lot here too.

[sparrow]

We live in a small town that still announces obituaries on the radio. I would estimate that 30% now say, "donations can be made to the family". I had never heard that before, but have heard it frequently over the past 5 years. Our area has been hit HARD economically, so I assume that is the reason.

 

I do secretly wonder if more people are doing it because they hear so many others have (radio obits). Is that terrible for me to think :confused:?

[amey311]

I have seen suggestions for charities ("in lieu of flowers, the family suggests a donation to ABC Charity or group") and I've seen trust funds set up when a parent of minor children dies ("donations to the Jane and Sally Doe trust fund can be made at any ABC Bank location").

 

I think it would be great to come up with generally acceptable gentle language for "if you'd like to help the widow/children cover the costs of the funeral and other expenses, here's what you should do."

[ZooRho]

I have seen it but more for families with younger children.

 

But the flower things are just so overdone. My dad passed away and so there were quite a few flower arrangements from some of the business places. we are talking hundreds of dollars for an arrangement. It would have been nicer for the money to go to the charities.

[katilac]

I have seen suggestions for charities ("in lieu of flowers, the family suggests a donation to ABC Charity or group") and I've seen trust funds set up when a parent of minor children dies ("donations to the Jane and Sally Doe trust fund can be made at any ABC Bank location").

I think it would be great to come up with generally acceptable gentle language for "if you'd like to help the widow/children cover the costs of the funeral and other expenses, here's what you should do."[/QUOTE]

 

:iagree:

 

It's less awkward when there is an account set up - it just seems odd to say "please give the family money." Even though a fund in the family name clearly serves the same purpose, it somehow seems better to say "Donations can be made to the Ramsey Family Fund at any Whitney Bank," whether or not it specifies that it's to defray funeral expenses, for a college fund, etc.

 

Either way, some one needs to come up with that gentle & standardized language.

[4everHis]

Checked with Miss Manners. :) She says [my interpretation; you should read all of her comments in the book, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, by Judith Martin] that money instead of flowers is acceptable because it is not being accepted by the honoree (who is the deceased).

 

Interesting. I have seen the option to give to a charity or college fund, if there were children still at home, but these seem to just ask for donations to the family. I guess, to me, it would sound better if it actually said, 'to help with funeral costs' vs. just give $$$.

[4everHis]

We live in a small town that still announces obituaries on the radio. I would estimate that 30% now say, "donations can be made to the family". I had never heard that before, but have heard it frequently over the past 5 years. Our area has been hit HARD economically, so I assume that is the reason.

 

I do secretly wonder if more people are doing it because they hear so many others have (radio obits). Is that terrible for me to think :confused:?

 

I was wondering the same thing. So are we both terrible? :confused:

[Joker]

We set up a scholarship fund in my dad's and brother's names when they passed, and asked for donations to that in lieu of flowers. Every year a scholarship is given to a deserving senior at the local high school. I've only seen someone asking for money to the family if they had a lot of expenses.

[happi duck]

:iagree: I think asking for money for personal use (even if it's to defray funeral expenses) is a bit awkward. That seems like something that maybe the extended family should discuss and rally to help with.

 

But the people who would send flowers or make a charitable donation are the ones who care and are rally-ing to help. These are the 'extended family'...maybe not by blood.

 

So many people want to help when there is a death and I for one prefer to know if the family has a need...no matter the reason. I would hate to give money to a charity and then find out that the family is behind on rent or whatever.

 

Even the making a meal thing...those meals often come at a time when no one's very interested in eating, yet no one thinks making a meal is weird...because it is tradition. Well in our world now, money is a great help.

 

We have had more than our share of death the last few years. I have sat in the funeral director's offices planning services and when he takes the info for the obit he asks about flowers v. donations and if donations, does the family need help or is there a charity.

 

When you are on the receiving end and some extra cash helps you get through...to be done with funeral bills and the reminders...when you can grieve instead of frantically scraping together money for a bill or working up the nerve to ask someone for money...you will be reminded of the people who loved you enough to help in such a practical way.

 

It makes me sad to think that when my loved one's world shattered due to a death that people were wondering about the etiquette of helping. The money my loved one received was a God-send.

 

What better way to honor the deceased than by helping who is left behind.

 

As you can tell, this is a raw nerve for me.

[Tammyla]

What you mention makes me uncomfortable, but it happens. I'm comfy giving to a charity or fund.

 

I have a personal experience of knowing a widow, who didn't pay for the funeral expenses (Her ds and dd did.) and simply enjoyed the money.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Tammyla

[dsmith]

When my mother passed, we asked for donations to the town rescue squad and the local hospital's cancer research center in lieu of flowers. I have never heard of asking for donations to the family, but I guess if the deceased had no insurance to cover funeral expenses it would be necessary. It's very expensive! I can hear in my mind my mom berating us for spending so much on her arrangements.:001_smile: If I heard through the grapevine that a relative or close friend was having trouble paying for arrangements I would probably approach them privately with an offer of monetary help if I could.

[gardenmom5]

hmm - my mother left the midwest when she was 7, but in the mid-70's when my father died she did a "in lieu of flowers, donate to the heart association". (and the aunt who donated to *her* favorite charity - a floral society or such - I found tacky.)

 

but my mother also deeply disliked funerals or memorials of any sort.

[Lisbeth]

Ummm... I have never heard of a request to give money to the fam. I would feel so embarassed for that family. I am sure so many would find it tacky. I hope most people are using it for real, funeral-related reasons. Otherwise I find it really icky, to make money from the death of a loved one. I guess unless you somehow compare it to life insurance...

[4everHis]

We set up a scholarship fund in my dad's and brother's names when they passed, and asked for donations to that in lieu of flowers. Every year a scholarship is given to a deserving senior at the local high school. I've only seen someone asking for money to the family if they had a lot of expenses.

 

What a way to honor your dad and brother. This I can see, it's just been the sudden (last few years) that it seems to be an actual asking for $$ to be given to the family not in honor of anything or to a certain charity or organization.:confused:

[Mommyof4ks]

I am in Texas, and the in lieu part has been around here for at least 5-10 years, but no one has asked for money to help the family. The last four funerals we have been to asked for money to go to a charity rather than flowers.

[Denise in Florida]

I have seen plenty of 'in lieu of flowers' requests to send money to a charity. In fact I will probably request that if I ever pre-plan my own funeral. IMO flowers are a waste of money for a few hours at a funeral home.

 

One of my local homeschool families asked for money for their kids scholarship fund after the father (and sole breadwinner) passed away. That made sense, as well as being tragic, his unexpected death left a huge gap in their plans.

[4everHis]

What you mention makes me uncomfortable, but it happens. I'm comfy giving to a charity or fund.

 

I have a personal experience of knowing a widow, who didn't pay for the funeral expenses (Her ds and dd did.) and simply enjoyed the money.

 

I guess I'm such a cynic that I wonder if these scenerios happen often. I think that's why I'd like to see them at least add, "to help with funeral/medical costs" vs. just give donations. I guess either way they could take advantage. . .:sad:

[4everHis]

Ummm... I have never heard of a request to give money to the fam. I would feel so embarassed for that family. I am sure so many would find it tacky. I hope most people are using it for real, funeral-related reasons. Otherwise I find it really icky, to make money from the death of a loved one. I guess unless you somehow compare it to life insurance...

 

Where I grew up the family wrote the obituary so I guess I'm assuming it's the family that's putting that in there.

[QueenCat]

I've seen donations to charities in lieu of flowers but never donations to the family. Not in an obituary, anyone. I have seen our church let people know that the family needs help with burial costs. We can send it to the church, and then the church writes one check, so the family doesn't "know" who helped, which helps them to not feel awkward. Actually, we can give money to the church office anytime, and have them pass it on to someone anonymously anytime, not just for a situation like a funeral.

Edited September 13, 2012 by CathieC

[Audrey]

. . .flowers at a funeral? I've never seen it where I'm from in Texas but see it a lot here in the mid-west. It's usually worded, "In lieu of flowers please consider donations to the family." or somthing like that.

 

 

Never seen that, but frequently (usually!) see "in lieu of flowers, donation made be made to name-of-charity-here."

[TranquilMind]

. . .flowers at a funeral? I've never seen it where I'm from in Texas but see it a lot here in the mid-west. It's usually worded, "In lieu of flowers please consider donations to the family." or somthing like that.

It is always tacky to request money. We all know funerals are ridiculous. Just give money if you want to, but it is never appropriate to ask for it.

[LMA]

It is always tacky to request money. We all know funerals are ridiculous. Just give money if you want to, but it is never appropriate to ask for it.

 

:iagree: And if someone sends flowers, please send them a thank you note.

[Jenny in Florida]

I haven't seen a request for donations to the family, but when a friend recently passed away it was requested that in lieu of flowers people make donations to the Human Rights campaign, which he strongly supported.

 

Exactly.

 

I hate cut flowers. Everyone who knows me knows that. I've always hated watching things die, and it seems especially horrible at a funeral.

 

I sincerely hope my family does an "in lieu" of when it's my turn to benefit a cause.

[sparrow]

I was wondering the same thing. So are we both terrible? :confused:

 

Perhaps ;).

 

It really didn't strike me as odd until I started hearing/reading obituaries for the elderly that said "donations can be made to the family". It made sense to me to donate to a family that has lost father or mother and they still have children at home. When I started hearing "Bob Smith, aged 92" and "donations can be made to the family" in tandem, my weird meter ticked far to the right :D.

 

Judging from the responses, it sounds like it could be a Midwest thing--but I think it has been happening for less than a decade. I'll bet it makes its way to other regions soon. Get ready!

[Impish]

I've seen donations to ____ charity in lieu of flowers, but not specifically for the family.

 

Then again, I was ticked when my mom did the in lieu of thing b/c she picked a charity that was HER fave, and that I knew for a fact my Nan disliked intensely. So, using my Nan's death as a way of raising funds for my mom's pet charity just seemed way wrong to me.

[4everHis]

It is always tacky to request money. We all know funerals are ridiculous. Just give money if you want to, but it is never appropriate to ask for it.

 

I think, in the end, this is where I stand.

[4everHis]

I've seen donations to charities in lieu of flowers but never donations to the family. Not in an obituary, anyone. I have seen our church let people know that the family needs help with burial costs. We can send it to the church, and then the church writes one check, so the family doesn't "know" who helped, which helps them to not feel awkward. Actually, we can give money to the church office anytime, and have them pass it on to someone anonymously anytime, not just for a situation like a funeral.

 

No, it's in the obituaries, quite a few of them. For the old and the young, just not as much for the old that I've seen. I like the bolded. THIS I can get behind.

[4everHis]

Perhaps ;).

 

It really didn't strike me as odd until I started hearing/reading obituaries for the elderly that said "donations can be made to the family". It made sense to me to donate to a family that has lost father or mother and they still have children at home. When I started hearing "Bob Smith, aged 92" and "donations can be made to the family" in tandem, my weird meter ticked far to the right :D.

 

Judging from the responses, it sounds like it could be a Midwest thing--but I think it has been happening for less than a decade. I'll bet it makes its way to other regions soon. Get ready!

 

:iagree: When wedding announcements in the paper start saying cash appreciated I am so gonna flip out.