Give me strength. Just took away all sons' privileges

[Halcyon]

His behavior has gotten ruder and my dh (and I) have had it.

 

 

We have never taken away all privileges before. He is devastated. We talked about why we felt we need to do this, resort to this step. He understands, but he is so upset and remorseful. But despite his remorse, he hasnt changed his behavior.

 

Give me strength :(

 

Eta: subject says sons'...should read son's SINGULAR..

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:

 

I have a 10 year old too...:glare:

 

You know, he really is a sweetheart. He just can't watch his mouth. It's like rudeness just shoots out uncontrollably.

[Tap]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:

 

I have a 10 year old too...:glare:

 

So that's how you immediately knew i was talking about my older kid, lol. :glare:

[Twilight Woods]

:grouphug:

 

I have a 10 year old too...:glare:

 

me too. My DD [ok she just turned 11...] has been without privledges for 4 weeks now.............

 

She spews snark.

[Luckymama]

Been there, done that was my older daughter when she was that age. At 17 she is much more agreeable :)

[hsingscrapper]

My boys get nasty with me and I get a clean toilet!! :lol:

[fraidycat]

Oh my. My 10 year old and I are about to come to blows this week, too. It's awful! It appears I might be taking out some of the my frustration on The Hive, based on a couple knee jerk reactions I've had to a couple seemingly benign posts.

[ChiMomNP]

:grouphug:

 

My son was like that between 10-12. He is 13.5 now and I have to say a real joy to be around. He has been getting up everyday and doing his school work without being told, he vacuumed without being asked today, and has been really following the rules. He has been this way since about the middle of June, one day he just woke up on the right side of the bed and stayed there.

 

Hang in there, it gets better!

[Halcyon]

Oh my. My 10 year old and I are about to come to blows this week, too. It's awful! It appears I might be taking out some of the my frustration on The Hive, based on a couple knee jerk reactions I've had to a couple seemingly benign posts.

 

Sigh. He just DOESNT seem to get it. The backtalk and rudeness, particularly to his little brother, seems to just come out of nowhere! One moment, nice happy boy. Next moment, obnoxious, rude, snide comment. His behavior is so unpredicatble, and i hae it. I also hate how it makes me feel. I told him we all live in this house together, and we all need to get along, and his attitude is making it very unpleasant to be with him, and he started to cry :( okay, maybe i raised my voice just a weeeee bit. I told him how proud i was of him today when he came to my office and was quiet while i saw patients, and did his work without nudging, and was respectful. This made him cry even harder, because he realized that he really had fallen short, and that i really do appreciate it when he is good.

[amyco]

Hang in there! Stay strong! And like my favorite family psychologist (Dr. Ray) says...better that he learn these things from his parents, who love him, than from a teacher, boss, or drill sergeant.

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:

 

My son was like that between 10-12. He is 13.5 now and I have to say a real joy to be around. He has been getting up everyday and doing his school work without being told, he vacuumed without being asked today, and has been really following the rules. He has been this way since about the middle of June, one day he just woke up on the right side of the bed and stayed there.

 

Hang in there, it gets better!

 

So there is hope.

[ocelotmom]

:grouphug:

 

I have a 10 year old too...:glare:

 

My 9 year old is getting VERY close.

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

So there is hope.

 

I cried when another mom told me her 19yo dd had finally turned into a human being again. I don't know if I can last that long! **insert wailing**

[Gisel_le]

Sigh. He just DOESNT seem to get it. The backtalk and rudeness, particularly to his little brother, seems to just come out of nowhere! One moment, nice happy boy. Next moment, obnoxious, rude, snide comment. His behavior is so unpredicatble, and i hae it. I also hate how it makes me feel. I told him we all live in this house together, and we all need to get along, and his attitude is making it very unpleasant to be with him, and he started to cry :( okay, maybe i raised my voice just a weeeee bit. I told him how proud i was of him today when he came to my office and was quiet while i saw patients, and did his work without nudging, and was respectful. This made him cry even harder, because he realized that he really had fallen short, and that i really do appreciate it when he is good.

 

 

:grouphug:'s. I am crying after reading this because I, too, am at my wit's end w/ my 10 year old son. I thought it was just him or bad parenting so while I am so sorry you are going through this, I am also encouraged that he isn't turning into some awful person and that maybe it's a normal part of growing up. But boy, do I hate it. I miss my sweet, loving, considerate, helpful guy. This person he is lately is a stranger.

 

I just emptied his room of everything tonight. For the next 5 days, he gets to do nothing but school, chores, and helping his family. And he earns things back only by showing respect and obedience.

 

Good luck with your son. I hope things turn around quickly (for all of us).

[fraidycat]

Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but I am so glad to know that I am not alone and that there is hope that I haven't "ruined" her. The snark, attitude, biting remarks, snapping at anyone and everyone who so much as looks at her. I thought it was all my fault. Apparently it's pre-pubescent hormones? Maybe?

 

I actually felt like spanking her yesterday. I didn't, but I sure did want to. Ugh!! Then again today...at our park group - she is lucky there were other Moms around for me to visit with and ignore her or I might have lost my mind. Crying...real tears, CRYING because I wouldn't get her ice cream from the ice cream truck. :confused::confused::confused: She didn't even act like that when she was 2, so I really don't know how to deal with it when she's 10! The only other child there (out of about 20) who whined about ice cream to his Mom....a 9 year old boy. :tongue_smilie:

[Gisel_le]

Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but I am so glad to know that I am not alone and that there is hope that I haven't "ruined" her. The snark, attitude, biting remarks, snapping at anyone and everyone who so much as looks at her. I thought it was all my fault. Apparently it's pre-pubescent hormones? Maybe. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

:iagree: I thought it was my fault too.

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: I have a just turned 11yo. Today at her well child check, the dr started talking about the effect of hormones on emotions and behaviors. :glare: I think she has read threads like these. :lol:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You have my utmost sympathy. Just last week, I took away all my kids' toys, erased all the shows they had recorded on the DVR, and took away all their screen privileges. This came shortly after their father and I had a long talk about how tired we were of their attitudes and their lack of respect for us and for everything in this house, and they still keep talking back, fighting, making giant messes everywhere. It's been a rough few weeks. :glare: My older son seems to understand that the consequences he is experiencing now are the result of his OWN behavior, whereas ds2 seems to think I'm just evil, and he had no part in all of this. :banghead:

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:'s. I am crying after reading this because I, too, am at my wit's end w/ my 10 year old son. I thought it was just him or bad parenting so while I am so sorry you are going through this, I am also encouraged that he isn't turning into some awful person and that maybe it's a normal part of growing up. But boy, do I hate it. I miss my sweet, loving, considerate, helpful guy. This person he is lately is a stranger.

 

I just emptied his room of everything tonight. For the next 5 days, he gets to do nothing but school, chores, and helping his family. And he earns things back only by showing respect and obedience.

 

Good luck with your son. I hope things turn around quickly (for all of us).

:grouphug:

 

So, i am trying to figure out how he can get back his priviliges. What warrants getting one back? We took away ten, things like computer games on weekends, tv on wkends, hocley practice, homeschool fitness, which he ADORES esp as they are plating basketball this session, boys' night out with dad, pool time....i told him at the end of each day, his father and i would sit down amd decide as parents whether he deserve to have any privileges back, but i know too that this is a child who needs to almost remap his brain over a period of time to instill better "habits" or inclinations towards politeness and respect. So i dont want to reinstate privilege too soon, kwim?

[Audrey]

My boys get nasty with me and I get a clean toilet!! :lol:

 

 

Me, too. Or a clean kitchen floor, or a clean chicken coop, or if he's really nasty, we get cleaned out barns, too. The hog barn is an especially sobering experience for a rudie patootie.

 

My dh's philosophy is that if you're going to spew $#!% then you can go shovel $#!%.

[Mom-2-7]

My ds just turned 10 a few days ago. I have noticed that his interactions with his siblings have been getting a little worse over the last few months. Didn't think a whole of it, but now I'm scared! :scared:

[Halcyon]

Me, too. Or a clean kitchen floor, or a clean chicken coop, or if he's really nasty, we get cleaned out barns, too. The hog barn is an especially sobering experience for a rudie patootie.

 

Lol. See, what is odd is that this boy does his chores without complaint, mostly (this is a change from a month ago), and is a joy to homeschool. Yes, he has his moments, but he works hard, does his work well and i love bei g his teacher. It is mostly around his brother that his behavior worsens, and his father-his father has zeromability to let things go, but at the same time, i agree that ds needs to be more respectful to him, period. He argues with his brother, feels threatened bynhis brother, is unkind to his brother's overtures of kindness. Not EVERY time, but often enough, and with cutting comments that just slay his brother to the bone.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Halcyon

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug:

 

So, i am trying to figure out how he can get back his priviliges. What warrants getting one back? We took away ten, things like computer games on weekends, tv on wkends, hocley practice, homeschool fitness, which he ADORES esp as they are plating basketball this session, boys' night out with dad, pool time....i told him at the end of each day, his father and i would sit down amd decide as parents whether he deserve to have any privileges back, but i know too that this is a child who needs to almost remap his brain over a period of time to instill better "habits" or inclinations towards politeness and respect. So i dont want to reinstate privilege too soon, kwim?

 

We have told our kids that when we witness their behavior being genuinely good for an extended period of time, we would reintroduce privileges one at a time. I let them pick 2 toys each from the basement this morning because they had both been pretty good for the past few days. Screen time is going to be a long time coming, because I think it really exacerbates the attitude problems and entitlement troubles.

[AimeeM]

Thank GOD you posted this.

I've almost thrown in the towel. Last year, dd (just turned 11) enjoyed math and loved science; this year she is in tears over EVERYTHING school related - wait... she's in tears over everything in general. Snark, sass, rolling eyes, mumbling as she walks away (like I can't hear it?!?)... she is suddenly tossing her hair, whining like a two year old...

I've yelled several times today (not proud of it either). I swear, she is acting more and more like my 3 year old. She is always remorseful immediately, but it's like she can't control herself.

God help me. I've changed my curricula choices already twice this fall because I was convinced I was killing her joy for learning... I think I realize now that she simply has an attitude problem. She's trying to talk me into a different science now... (as in five minutes ago)... even though she loved physics last year and couldn't wait for it this year...

Edited September 13, 2012 by AimeeM

[Mukmuk]

:grouphug:

 

I have me one of these too. The sweetest kid a lot of the time, but ouch when he bites. You mean it gets worse at 10??!

 

*will be muttering "13.5" to myself to focus on when it DOES get better. The psych had said that things improve after 12. Whatever it is, its a number in the near future. *

[Gisel_le]

:grouphug:

 

So, i am trying to figure out how he can get back his priviliges. What warrants getting one back? We took away ten, things like computer games on weekends, tv on wkends, hocley practice, homeschool fitness, which he ADORES esp as they are plating basketball this session, boys' night out with dad, pool time....i told him at the end of each day, his father and i would sit down amd decide as parents whether he deserve to have any privileges back, but i know too that this is a child who needs to almost remap his brain over a period of time to instill better "habits" or inclinations towards politeness and respect. So i dont want to reinstate privilege too soon, kwim?

 

I'm not sure yet because we haven't done this before. Our plan is that he has to be obedient, diligent, and respectful. If he is all day, with no infractions, he gets one thing back that night. We'll start small and get bigger as each day progresses. On the otherhand, each time he is not obedient, diligent, and respectful, he will get 2 hours added to the original 5 days. At the end of the 5 (or however many it ends up being), all privs and toys, etc will be returned.

[Halcyon]

Thank GOD you posted this.

I've almost thrown in the towel. Last year, dd (just turned 11) enjoyed math and loved science; this year she is in tears over EVERYTHING school related - wait... she's in tears over everything in general. Snark, sass, rolling eyes, mumbling as she walks away (like I can't hear it?!?)... she is suddenly tossing her hair, whining like a two year old...

I've yelled several times today (not proud of it either). I swear, she is acting more and more like my 3 year old. She is always remorseful immediately, but it's like she can't control herself.

God help me. I've changed my curricula choices already twice this fall because I was convinced I was killing her joy for learning... I think I realize now that she simply has an attitude problem.

 

 

This. He KNOWS he's being a little twerp, even in the MIDDLE of it he knows it, but he can't stop himself. This is where my "rewiring the brain map" comes nto play. Repeating "good" behavior often enough over a long enough period of time will hopefully remap his emotional reaponses to situations that annoy him, frustrate him, etc.

 

I am wondering if i should include somepositive reinforcement too. Like every time he says a kind thing, or reacts quickly when asked to do someing, e gets a gold star or something. He likes that kind of thing, to a point.

[Audrey]

Lol. See, what is odd is that this boy does his chores without complaint, mostly (this is a change from a month ago), and is a joy to homeschool. Yes, he has his moments, but he works hard, does his work well and i love bei g his teacher. It is mostly around his brother that his behavior worsens, and his father-his father has zeromability to let things go, but at the same time, i agree that ds needs to be more respectful to him, period. He argues with his brother, feels threatened bynhis brother, is unkind to his brother's overtures of kindness. Not EVERY time, but often enough, and with cutting comments that just slay his brother to the bone.

 

 

Ah, well I guess that's the bonus of having an only. Mine has no one else to be rude to but us. But, that's got its own issues, too.

 

I do remember that when ds was around 9-11 that his mouth was much sassier. It drove us nuts, too. We are probably strict hard-a$$ parents by some standards, but we just didn't let him get away with it. No yelling, and no hitting/spanking/whatever you want to call it. We don't do that, but we will call him on his bad behaviour right away and ask him what in world makes him think that's acceptable, or what in the world promted that, or what in the world.... you get the idea.

 

He's mostly grown out of it, but let's face it... we all have those days where we lash out. He does, too. He still doesn't get a pass on that though, but neither do we. As fellow human beings, we owe it to every member of the family to ACT like a human being and treat others as human beings. All the time. When we can't manage to do that, there are consequences.

 

Even I have been sent to scrape the hog pens for being un-human being-ly.

[Audrey]

This. He KNOWS he's being a little twerp, even in the MIDDLE of it he knows it, but he can't stop himself. This is where my "rewiring the brain map" comes nto play. Repeating "good" behavior often enough over a long enough period of time will hopefully remap his emotional reaponses to situations that annoy him, frustrate him, etc.

 

I am wondering if i should include somepositive reinforcement too. Like every time he says a kind thing, or reacts quickly when asked to do someing, e gets a gold star or something. He likes that kind of thing, to a point.

 

 

Sounds like a "Filter Issue."

 

It takes some maturity to be able to filter those words and thoughts into acceptable responses. Some people never get their filters. Others get them earlier.

 

Sometimes it helps to reframe his responses into acceptable responses so he can have concrete examples of how he should have / could have reacted. It's not an overnight fix.

 

Heck, nothing is in parenting, is it? :lol:

[justamouse]

We have told our kids that when we witness their behavior being genuinely good for an extended period of time, we would reintroduce privileges one at a time. I let them pick 2 toys each from the basement this morning because they had both been pretty good for the past few days. Screen time is going to be a long time coming, because I think it really exacerbates the attitude problems and entitlement troubles.

 

:iagree:

 

Jealousy is a hard thing to get rid of once it's set in, so though it's hard, taking the stuff away, better than the brothers hating eachother.

 

Mine have gotten stuff back when I see a change in behavior, nice words, and respect. Then, they have to MAKE UP what they've done. Apologizing and getting punished isn't enough-you now have to go out of your way to make things right.

[Garga]

....whereas ds2 seems to think I'm just evil, and he had no part in all of this. :banghead:

 

I love the way you worded that: "He had no part in all of this."

 

My son just turned 10 today. And just 2 days ago, DH and I were talking about how we have to get on top of his sassy mouth. I both horrified and hopeful to hear that this is something a lot of us deal with with 10 year olds.

 

Horrified that we might be looking at years of snark, but hopeful that...um...that I had no part in all of this! It's the 10 year old's fault and not my bad parenting skills!

[MommyOwl]

Thank you for posting this. I've been dealing with the same thing with my youngest for the past few months. Neither of his older brothers was this bad. So sorry for everyone having to deal with the sassiness too - but I feel encouraged I'm not alone:tongue_smilie:

[KungFuPanda]

His behavior has gotten ruder and my dh (and I) have had it.

 

 

We have never taken away all privileges before. He is devastated. We talked about why we felt we need to do this, resort to this step. He understands, but he is so upset and remorseful. But despite his remorse, he hasnt changed his behavior.

 

Give me strength :(

 

Eta: subject says sons'...should read son's SINGULAR..

 

If he still has the door to his room, you didn't take ALL of his privileges. :D

[MyLittleWonders]

We are in the thick of it with ds#1 (11 yo and 2 months). Oy! He too is otherwise a sweet and giving kid (well, he's never been fond of sharing with his brothers!) but he will flip out bout anything. With him it seems to usually be when he feels overwhelmed but then again, some days everything is overwhelming to him. :rolleyes: :lol: I just pray he is on the other side before the possibility of ds#2 being in the thick of it.

[IsabelC]

Just in case anyone who is into gentle discipline and wants to set firm boundaries without using punishment, I can highly recommend Dr Laura Markham. She's like Supernanny for attached parents.

 

If not, I hope you see some improvement with your preferred approach.

[fraidycat]

Just in case anyone who is into gentle discipline and wants to set firm boundaries without using punishment, I can highly recommend Dr Laura Markham. She's like Supernanny for attached parents.

 

If not, I hope you see some improvement with your preferred approach.

 

Thank you. I will check this out.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

His behavior has gotten ruder and my dh (and I) have had it.

 

 

We have never taken away all privileges before. He is devastated. We talked about why we felt we need to do this, resort to this step. He understands, but he is so upset and remorseful. But despite his remorse, he hasnt changed his behavior.

 

Give me strength :(

 

Eta: subject says sons'...should read son's SINGULAR..

:grouphug:

Tough love is the hardest thing to do.

My middle son was my challenge child. We had to do this numerous times, even ban him from all friends he knew at a certain point in his life. Even banished him to the yard to live in a tent for a while. He spit venom and fire, hated us with every cell of his body. Swore he would never have anything to do with us once he was 18.

This same son now converses with me on FB, calls to just chat, and is the first to end our conversations with 'love you'.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

It sounds like your kids just flipped around ten. My dd did the same. Can i hope for a "flip" at 10/11 with ds? It would be lovely! Lol

[Scarlett]

Sigh. He just DOESNT seem to get it. The backtalk and rudeness, particularly to his little brother, seems to just come out of nowhere! One moment, nice happy boy. Next moment, obnoxious, rude, snide comment. His behavior is so unpredicatble, and i hae it. I also hate how it makes me feel. I told him we all live in this house together, and we all need to get along, and his attitude is making it very unpleasant to be with him, and he started to cry :( okay, maybe i raised my voice just a weeeee bit. I told him how proud i was of him today when he came to my office and was quiet while i saw patients, and did his work without nudging, and was respectful. This made him cry even harder, because he realized that he really had fallen short, and that i really do appreciate it when he is good.

 

:grouphug: Awww. You are a good Mom. It is a stage boys go through I think.

 

My 12 year old can't seem to help his mouth either. Or remember to do what he is told. But he is soooo much better than he was a year ago.

[Halcyon]

Thanks all. DS seems to have accepted his fate this morning. No homeschool fitness, no basketball, and no hockey today. I told him we expct to see four things: kindness. Respect, good attitude and helpfulness.

[Jen500]

Thanks all. DS seems to have accepted his fate this morning. No homeschool fitness, no basketball, and no hockey today. I told him we expct to see four things: kindness. Respect, good attitude and helpfulness.

 

But can you still let him get some exercise? I really think exercise helps with attitudes, especially boys.

[Halcyon]

But can you still let him get some exercise? I really think exercise helps with attitudes, especially boys.

 

I agree. Have to think on it. I might have him run the dogs. Good point.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. I did, with ds20. We took him to martial arts, and I remember venting/complaining/whining to his instructor about the lack of respect. He said he sees it ALL the time, esp with kids who are just hitting puberty or just after, and esp concerning behavior towards MOM.

 

In our case, ds was already drinking and such, so take this with a grain of salt--I'm certainly no parent of the year.

 

In looking back, I can see that the building the relationship with his brother and his dad would have been really beneficial. In your case, you say he's spewing carp on his brother? Then I'd do all in my power to encourage more bonding. I'd also work the Dad-angle; lots of time with Dad, doing both what Dad wants to do AND what Son picks. My own theory is that some kids feel more jealous toward siblings when they are not feeling secure in the parent-child relationship. I'm not an expert. By any means. Just a theory.

 

As far as priviledges returning, I'd quickly return those that involve relationship--time with Dad. I'd give him back physical activity--swimming. I'd give him back the homeschool fitness, b/c surely they are going to cover sportsmanship in the basketball time, and that is super for a kid who needs repect-training, and it's physical.

I'd probably make video games and TV last on the list, particularly if any programs model family interactions that are the least bit disrepectful, which is probably most TV, and maybe cull some that encourage behaviors you don't want to see.

 

It's hard. Be firm. But also build the relationships. I believe kids who are strongly bonded to each other develop more boundaries WRT hurting each other. Deal with the jealousy and insecurity and see what happens.

 

:grouphug:

[J-rap]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. I did, with ds20. We took him to martial arts, and I remember venting/complaining/whining to his instructor about the lack of respect. He said he sees it ALL the time, esp with kids who are just hitting puberty or just after, and esp concerning behavior towards MOM.

 

In our case, ds was already drinking and such, so take this with a grain of salt--I'm certainly no parent of the year.

 

In looking back, I can see that the building the relationship with his brother and his dad would have been really beneficial. In your case, you say he's spewing carp on his brother? Then I'd do all in my power to encourage more bonding. I'd also work the Dad-angle; lots of time with Dad, doing both what Dad wants to do AND what Son picks. My own theory is that some kids feel more jealous toward siblings when they are not feeling secure in the parent-child relationship. I'm not an expert. By any means. Just a theory.

 

As far as priviledges returning, I'd quickly return those that involve relationship--time with Dad. I'd give him back physical activity--swimming. I'd give him back the homeschool fitness, b/c surely they are going to cover sportsmanship in the basketball time, and that is super for a kid who needs repect-training, and it's physical.

I'd probably make video games and TV last on the list, particularly if any programs model family interactions that are the least bit disrepectful, which is probably most TV, and maybe cull some that encourage behaviors you don't want to see.

 

It's hard. Be firm. But also build the relationships. I believe kids who are strongly bonded to each other develop more boundaries WRT hurting each other. Deal with the jealousy and insecurity and see what happens.

 

:grouphug:

 

Sorry you are going through this. Lots of wisdom in the above, I think, for down the road! Time with Dad (bonding time while doing something -- long bike rides, a carpentry project, etc.); positive, special time with sibling (something they would both be excited about but not be competitive with each other about); and keep in some physical activity. Chris mentioned swimming, but I couldn't find that in your post. Does your son swim? Swimming is a sport that requires huge discipline and energy and usually seems to attract pretty nice kids. It can be a great sport for your son and a way to build his confidence and self-discipline.

[goldberry]

I agree. Have to think on it. I might have him run the dogs. Good point.

 

 

I was thinking this also. I don't have a boy, but close friends with boys. I would be quicker to add the physical activities back in.

 

:grouphug: We had a week long visit from an 8yo cousin this summer. I was appalled at how much more mature THE 8 YEAR OLD acted than my 13 yo. You try not to compare, but....:tongue_smilie: We didn't get to do something that was planned and it was my dd that was whining. The 8 yo actually comforted her. Somebody kill me now...

[celticmom]

Does this ever start younger? Dd7 has been acting very sassy and immature lately. I fixed french toast for breakfast this morning aqnd that resulted in a total meltdown.