EmmaNZ Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 My ds is constantly telling me he hates me and that he's going to kill me. My dd is stroppy and rude and seems to completely lack social skills. My 4 year old is painfully shy outside the house despite being the life and soul of the party at home. Even my 2 year old shouted 'I hate you' today because he has heard it so many times from big ds recently. I want to have happy, calm days at home. At the moment I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorisuewho Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 :grouphug: To hear words like that every day would be incredibly draining on anyone. I'm so sorry this is happening. Does your ds speak to other family members like this also? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 :grouphug: Some days, weeks, months, and years are all about surviving each day. Sounds like you're there now. Storms eventually pass and rainbows eventually show. Yours will, too. Hang in there, Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in TX Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 None of those things makes you a failure. All are normal, at least at one time or another. Don't know what your specific issues are, but just wanted to say btdt, and give you some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 My ds is constantly telling me he hates me and that he's going to kill me. My dd is stroppy and rude and seems to completely lack social skills. My 4 year old is painfully shy outside the house despite being the life and soul of the party at home. Even my 2 year old shouted 'I hate you' today because he has heard it so many times from big ds recently. I want to have happy, calm days at home. At the moment I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. How old is your ds? The part about killing you has me worried. Is he in any kind of therapy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 How old is your ds? The part about killing you has me worried. Is he in any kind of therapy I am wondering the same thing. Actually, no matter his age, that would make me consider therapy. Does your son hear other people threaten you or him on a regular basis? That is a bit much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Maybe it's time to assert yourself. I know it's good for kids to express themselves, and it's no fun always having to be disciplining them and being 'mean mummy', but at some point you do need to demand respect and reasonable behaviour. At the beginning of the summer DS13 started saying 'No' in a jokey way every time I asked him to do something. He's 13 yo and I felt it was OK not to be onto him all the time and I let it slide. By the end of the summer, almost without my realising it, he was saying 'no' and not doing what I'd asked him to do, and, even worse, all his brothers were copying. I've had to crack down quite hard on all of them. Being firm and refusing to stand for any nonsense can be very difficult at first, but in the long run life becomes a lot easier. It's that boundaries thing again. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Add me to the list of those who are very concerned about the death threats. That is simply not acceptable behavior for any child of any age. Why would you possibly feel that you have to tolerate that kind of abuse? :confused: It's time to get tough, Mama. Those kids need to know who's in charge, and in case you've forgotten, it's YOU. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 :grouphug: It doesn't sound like you are a failure, but maybe need help for oldest ds. Your painfully shy dd may come around when she is older. My now 8yo didn't speak outside the home as a 2 or 3 yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 What are you doing pro-actively to correct the behavior or find out if there is some underlying cause for the behavior (allergies, special needs, etc.)? I've noticed a few threads in which you describe his behavior...mentioning that it is all new, but you haven't mentioned how you and your dh are addressing it when it occurs. And yes, I mention your dh being involved because I noted in another thread that you didn't want to mention some really bad behavior to your dh because you didn't want your dh to discipline him for it. You and your dh need to be on the same page and create a united front. Once a child starts saying they wish you were dead, that is your red flag to jump into action and get to the root of the problem, not sweep it under the rug. I would proceed by first getting him into a pediatrician and explaining these new behaviors and find out what steps she\he recommends next as far as testing for allergies, illness, special needs, disorders, etc. Next, I would make a plan with your dh on how you both plan to deal with the behaviors. Regardless of what is going on with your son you have to put a plan in action to protect your other dc from his verbal and\or physical hostility. You are also going to have to grow a thick skin. Hearing such hateful things from your own child is hard, but, barring that he isn't just spoiled, coddled, and exerting his emotional manipulation on everyone, his acting out could be an unintentional result of an underlying condition, not that he truly hates you and wishes you dead. :grouphug::grouphug: I hope I don't come across as harsh, but you need to be in high gear right now to help your son. Maybe a dc telling a mom that he wishes she were dead is normal in other homes, but in my home it would mean something is very, very wrong.:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaNZ Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 Thanks for caring enough to reply. I'm having a hard time at the moment. Actually, I'm hadn't considered that he needs therapy - I just thought he was saying it to get a reaction from me. I don't know where he has heard it, but he stayed for 2 weeks recently at my MIL's with his cousins - I think he has learnt it from them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Add me to the list of those who are very concerned about the death threats. That is simply not acceptable behavior for any child of any age. Why would you possibly feel that you have to tolerate that kind of abuse? :confused: It's time to get tough, Mama. Those kids need to know who's in charge, and in case you've forgotten, it's YOU. :iagree: Even if he just learned it, the killing you part needs therapy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Thanks for caring enough to reply. I'm having a hard time at the moment. Actually, I'm hadn't considered that he needs therapy - I just thought he was saying it to get a reaction from me. I don't know where he has heard it, but he stayed for 2 weeks recently at my MIL's with his cousins - I think he has learnt it from them. Sometimes kids do pick up things that other kids say, and they don't even really think through what they're saying or what it means. What do you say when he tells you that? I think my first response would be, in a very stern tone: "Excuse me? You do NOT ever tell another human being that. We do not speak to others that way, ever." And give a time out, take away a privilege, etc. Explain it further if needed, that it's violent, mean, and not something you threaten. For some kids, that's enough to stop them in their tracks. Repeat a few times as necessary. If you've done that, and he's unrepentant, then yes, I would agree you may need to take things a step further. Cat's right (as usual) - time to get tough. You are in charge and cannot let your child speak to you that way. I think if you start there and lessen some of the stress, that will make it easier to tackle the other issues. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I think it might be adviseable to have your husband speak privately with him about this, and why respect for one's mother is so critical, and certainly seek further help if this continues. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Add me to the list of those who are very concerned about the death threats. That is simply not acceptable behavior for any child of any age. Why would you possibly feel that you have to tolerate that kind of abuse? :confused: It's time to get tough, Mama. Those kids need to know who's in charge, and in case you've forgotten, it's YOU. :iagree: I'll add that I do not think that this is within normal developmental ranges. I think that your family would benefit from professional help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I think it might be adviseable to have your husband speak privately with him about this, and why respect for one's mother is so critical, and certainly seek further help if this continues. :grouphug: :iagree: You haven't said how old he is, unless I missed it, but if he's old enough a visit from a friend in law enforcement might do some good. I wouldn't actually call the police though, since you don't actually want to bring any charges or anything. Just some talking-to from an authority figure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 And I see this is your third thread about something similar in the past month or so. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Having a house full of littles is certainly challenging at times, isn't it? :grouphug: I'm also concerned about your ds saying that he'll kill you. IDK...maybe he picked it up from his older cousins like you suggested. Sometimes children do repeat what they hear others say. I'd nip that in the bud right now. Full stop. "We do NOT speak that way to anyone, do you understand me? We never say, 'I'm going to kill you!' Ever. Do not say that again." I think you know if your kid is 'off' in some way, kwim? How old is your boy? Is he exhibiting any other troubling behaviors? Is he angry when he says he'll kill you or is it more off an off the cuff remark? It could just be a bad habit that needs to be broken. It could be a whole lot more. What does your gut tell you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Thanks for caring enough to reply. I'm having a hard time at the moment. Actually, I'm hadn't considered that he needs therapy - I just thought he was saying it to get a reaction from me. I don't know where he has heard it, but he stayed for 2 weeks recently at my MIL's with his cousins - I think he has learnt it from them. I get this...he is frustrated or confused himself as to why he is acting different and he might be using some really strong words in order to force a reaction out of you. Troubled dc often do things to get more attention or to confirm that mom or dad are on top of things and in control. As a pp said, you need to nip this in the bud immediately. He can voice his frustration in other ways and you may need to help him figure out how to do that, but the hatefulness and violence has to stop. :grouphug::grouphug:I'm sorry you are having a hard time with him. I'm sure you are feeling emotionally fragile right now...get your dh involved so you can have some support while you get to the bottom if it.:grouphug::grouphug: Oh, and it may not be an issue of needing therapy, possibly he might just need a firmer hand in disciplining ( i don't mean physical discipline ) and more stringet expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmmaNZ Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 I think you know if your kid is 'off' in some way, kwim? How old is your boy? Is he exhibiting any other troubling behaviors? Is he angry when he says he'll kill you or is it more off an off the cuff remark? It could just be a bad habit that needs to be broken. It could be a whole lot more. What does your gut tell you? He's almost 8. My gut is telling me this is a hangover from a difficult summer. I think he's overtired, had too much junk food (staying with grandparents - we usually eat little to no additives/preservatives), no routine all summer and no intellectual stimulation (he's very bright), not enough parental involvement due to a difficult pregnancy, and a mum who can't walk so we've been home a lot more than would suit him. We also moved house mid-July. He only does this when I'm asking something from him that he doesn't want to do. Other times he is his normal, helpful, mature self. He loves holding and rocking the baby, he will help me hoover, he will help the neighbour do gardening. Whatever the cause, something needs to be done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 He only does this when I'm asking something from him that he doesn't want to do. Other times he is his normal, helpful, mature self. He loves holding and rocking the baby, he will help me hoover, he will help the neighbour do gardening. Whatever the cause, something needs to be done. The next time he says he wants to kill you, ask him if he really wants you to die, and if he never, ever wants to see you again, because if he killed you, you would be gone forever and he wouldn't have a mom any more. If he really just picked this up from his cousins (and what kind of rotten kids are they, BTW? :glare:) a dose of reality might be enough to make him stop saying such a horrible thing. If he stops and thinks about never having his mom with him again, he might be absolutely mortified that he ever said such a thing to you. And if that doesn't work, forbid him to ever say it again, with serious consequences for every single infraction. Again, you need to realize that you are in charge, not the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I guess how I'd handle this would depend on his motivation for saying these words. If he means it and doesn't see any other way to cope with these overwhelming feelings, ... that's going to require a different approach than the kid who is simply using words to push the buttons he knows he can. I think sometimes professionals can make things worse if they're brought in as a knee-jerk reaction or first-course of action. For a kid who has no respect for his parents (depending on the reasons why), this may further confirm (to him) that his parents truly are idiots (and are thereby not worthy of his respect) or that his parents are people so out of touch with him (and thereby not worthy of his showing any respect to anyone, including himself). I'm not familiar with any of the OP's prior threads, or her particulars, so this is just a general opinion based on work I've done with some really angry kids. Again - the reasons behind the anger and the comments are too important to generalize, especially when they're of this nature. Once you figure out his motivations, then you're good to evaluate potential plans of action (including a professional if warranted). It may be that the parents need the professional, moreso than does the child. Either way, I think it's extremely reasonable to expect that someone not say those words to me. It's not even about being in charge, so to speak; it's about basic respect to ANY human being and that you don't say what you don't mean. If you do mean it (and you genuinely believe he does, you're not just trusting his words that he does), then we've got problems. But they're on the surface, he's not stifling them. That's the ideal place to start. If you don't mean it, find another way to vent your frustrations. Let's brainstorm new avenues to work through them because this isn't working for you (else you'd not have to keep saying such hurtful things) nor is it working for me (say what you mean; words can't be taken back, even through apologies they leave a permanent mark). If this is not his true nature, then hopefully he's just unable to process his feelings in any other manner. He probably feels overwhelmed, he sees Mom getting overwhelmed (and probably feels badly, which aggravates his own feelings) and the wheel keeps spinning. I wonder if he's not sharing some of Mom's feelings about all of this, and everyone is just so stressed by what's been a long and chaotic year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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