Friendships

[cindergretta]

I know the first thing people ask when you say you are homeschooling is, "What about socialization? What about friends?"

 

This is our 11th year. Our dc have attended the same church for 9 years - choir, Sunday School, Youth Group, VBS, etc. They have been in the same Scout troops their entire Scout careers, and have stayed on the same soccer (and at its time, baseball way back when) teams.

 

Each of my dc has one, maybe two, friends. They are rarely ever invited to anything, from birthday parties to play dates. They are almost never included in anything.

 

It hurts. I know they (the older 4) long to be part of a group of friends. I did all I knew how to do to ensure they wouldn't be left out and alone. But at the end of the day, the kids in their social groups "hang out" with the kids they see every day in class. I don't fault anyone for that. It is the reality of life in our community. But it still hurts my mama heart, kwim?

 

My ds9 and dd7 are "bestest friends" with each other, lol. So I love that. My dd16 and dd12 are closer than they will admit, too. ;) I am grateful for siblings and sibling relationships. I still wish they had been able to have childhood friends, memories of growing up hanging out with friends, riding bikes, going to the playground, whatever.

 

Just writing it all out to get it out of my head, kwim? I tend to feel weepy at night anyway... :ack2:

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: nm

 

ETA: I read your other thread and you've got a lot going on. It's okay to be weepy at night. :001_smile:

 

Just trying to be helpful. I am sorry it made you feel worse. Yes it is okay to say homeschooling isn't perfect.

Edited September 12, 2012 by theYoungerMrsWarde

[Bear23]

I know the first thing people ask when you say you are homeschooling is, "What about socialization? What about friends?"

 

This is our 11th year. Our dc have attended the same church for 9 years - choir, Sunday School, Youth Group, VBS, etc. They have been in the same Scout troops their entire Scout careers, and have stayed on the same soccer (and at its time, baseball way back when) teams.

 

Each of my dc has one, maybe two, friends. They are rarely ever invited to anything, from birthday parties to play dates. They are almost never included in anything.

 

It hurts. I know they (the older 4) long to be part of a group of friends. I did all I knew how to do to ensure they wouldn't be left out and alone. But at the end of the day, the kids in their social groups "hang out" with the kids they see every day in class. I don't fault anyone for that. It is the reality of life in our community. But it still hurts my mama heart, kwim?

 

My ds9 and dd7 are "bestest friends" with each other, lol. So I love that. My dd16 and dd12 are closer than they will admit, too. ;) I am grateful for siblings and sibling relationships. I still wish they had been able to have childhood friends, memories of growing up hanging out with friends, riding bikes, going to the playground, whatever.

 

Just writing it all out to get it out of my head, kwim? I tend to feel weepy at night anyway... :ack2:

 

It happens with children of PS school too.

[SunnyDays]

I've been wondering about this as well. We don't really seem to... click... with most of the homeschoolers in our area, although we have made a few good friends who happen to be homeschoolers. He seems to have fallen off the radar of most public school friends, who, as you mentioned, are caught up in their everyday lives. And we don't live in a neighborhood with many kids.

 

We're making the effort to set up time with the friends he does have, but I too wish he had a "group" to hang out with. It's hard and I don't know the answer either... just wanted to say that you're not alone. :grouphug:

[cindergretta]

Well, I get that is happens with public school, too. But in *our* case, the dc who are all growing up together, hang out together based on with whom they attend school.

 

And honestly, while I am absolutely sure it happens in ps, I think it is a lot more rare. I may homeschool, but dh and I (and our siblings) all grew up in public schools. ;) We are hardly ignorant of how they work. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, it isn't against the law (of this board anyway) is it to say everything isn't always rosy and perfect with homeschooling?

 

Having had feet in both worlds (including my oldest being in ps for his first two years of school) I feel it is absolutely accurate in our community that if my dc attended the local public schools with their peers, they would have more friends and be included in more social activities.

 

:( Support for homeschooling and homeschoolers should include being able to post about very real issues facing homeschoolers and what isn't as often an issue in the public school world without being told, "It happens in ps, too." It isn't very supportive but is extremely invalidating. :( I have seen and lived the difference in my life and in the early years of my oldest two dc's lives. ::sigh::

[cindergretta]

I've been wondering about this as well. We don't really seem to... click... with most of the homeschoolers in our area, although we have made a few good friends who happen to be homeschoolers. He seems to have fallen off the radar of most public school friends, who, as you mentioned, are caught up in their everyday lives. And we don't live in a neighborhood with many kids.

 

We're making the effort to set up time with the friends he does have, but I too wish he had a "group" to hang out with. It's hard and I don't know the answer either... just wanted to say that you're not alone. :grouphug:

 

Thank you. :grouphug: I appreciate the understanding but am really sorry you are also experiencing this. :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

When I was in HS I had my school friends and my church friends and I often had issues with who to do what with on Friday nights.

 

I had good school friends and cool church friends, they just didn't mix well.

 

It was especially hard when I dated guys from church and invited them to school functions... someone felt left out.

 

I really didn't want that for my children. I hope that they have more friends later (we switched churches partially for this reason), but I want them to not have to feel guilty because they had to make a choice about what to do on their free time.

[cindergretta]

 

ETA: I read your other thread and you've got a lot going on. It's okay to be weepy at night. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: Thank you. I think maybe I should hide under my pillow for a while... (maybe a few months!)

[HeatherL]

Thank you for posting in my birthday party thread. Everyone is helping me to feel better tonight.

 

I have the same concerns as you do. :grouphug: The kids we have been close to were in playgroups and preschool. Now that everyone has started public school this year and last, while we homeschool, I feel like all those friendships are fading away. Most we haven't seen since the summer (school starts in July here). We have casually been part of a homeschool group for a few years now and this year I stepped up to organize park days. I hope that gives us more friendship opportunities, but even that is hard because we are not the same faith and see each other at church all the time.

 

It's so hard because my son is such an extrovert. Everyone he meets becomes his "best" friend. And it hurts me so much to see these friendships not go both ways (not the "best" part (we're working on the meaning of that), but just the friendship part. I feel like if the parents weren't involved, it would be better. It just seems like at this age (5-7) the parents still try to pick friends for there kids and those are the kids of the parents they hang out with. I am not like most of those moms (homebirth, homeschool, not into clicks and bffs).

 

But, I agree, it's so hard. I don't want to see my DS hurt. I don't need those friendships. Give me my husband, my family, one or two close friends and I'm good. But not for him. He craves more and I don't know how to change that.

 

Anyways... I say all that to explain you are not alone. I think it's a fear/concern that many moms have. :grouphug:

[Sara in AZ]

Definitely not alone! I worry about this a lot with my DC, especially my older DD who is pretty introverted. There aren't many kids in our neighborhood, and we find that the few that do live around us are rarely available to play because they are at aftercare after school, etc. Lasting bonds never come from our various outside activities.

 

My kids do have a couple of friends each, mainly from church. But I am usually the instigator in getting them together to play. I do my best to arrange opportunities for the kids to see their friends, but sometimes I just get tired of that. If I don't, then we could go weeks without seeing friends. And the older they get, I can't be the one arranging their social lives. I hope they will grow into some deeper, self motivated relationships. Friendships have been a deeply enriching part of my life, one that I hope my children will be able to enjoy.

 

:grouphug:

[MomatHWTK]

Never mind then. Maybe the reason some of us homeschool though, is because this stuff happens in ps too.

[Refined by Silver]

:grouphug: I know what you mean! I have a 12 dd that on occassion gets a little weepy over this issue. I don't know what to do, but pray about it. So, that's what I've been doing. It is funny this came up and the birthday thread because these things have been on my mind. Tonight I was reading Proverbs 18 with my daughter and there is a verse that says it is better to have one true friend than many companions. She said when you don't have a true friend, then Jesus is the only true one you need.

 

I needed to hear that! :001_smile:

[Kirch]

I wonder, too, if a lot of it isn't due to a general breakdown of neighborhood/community culture. I know some places have neighborhoods where kids still run around and play together, but those neighborhoods seem to be a dying breed. So many people are so overscheduled, our society seems much more transient today--in so many places we just don't have the built-in structure to form and maintain relationships with neighbors anymore. I think that might affect hs'ers more than ps'ers simply because hs'ers would have even fewer chances for kids to really connect, especially on a daily basis. If more places were still like that, it might be easier for hs kids to develop more lasting friendships that aren't dependent on parents arranging playdates in already hectic schedules or on who happens to be on the soccer team or in the dance class this time around.

[Sara in AZ]

I wonder, too, if a lot of it isn't due to a general breakdown of neighborhood/community culture. I know some places have neighborhoods where kids still run around and play together, but those neighborhoods seem to be a dying breed. So many people are so overscheduled, our society seems much more transient today--in so many places we just don't have the built-in structure to form and maintain relationships with neighbors anymore. I think that might affect hs'ers more than ps'ers simply because hs'ers would have even fewer chances for kids to really connect, especially on a daily basis. If more places were still like that, it might be easier for hs kids to develop more lasting friendships that aren't dependent on parents arranging playdates in already hectic schedules or on who happens to be on the soccer team or in the dance class this time around.

 

:iagree: Absolutely.

[Dolphin]

Well, I get that is happens with public school, too. But in *our* case, the dc who are all growing up together, hang out together based on with whom they attend school.

 

And honestly, while I am absolutely sure it happens in ps, I think it is a lot more rare. I may homeschool, but dh and I (and our siblings) all grew up in public schools. ;) We are hardly ignorant of how they work. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, it isn't against the law (of this board anyway) is it to say everything isn't always rosy and perfect with homeschooling?

 

Having had feet in both worlds (including my oldest being in ps for his first two years of school) I feel it is absolutely accurate in our community that if my dc attended the local public schools with their peers, they would have more friends and be included in more social activities.

 

:( Support for homeschooling and homeschoolers should include being able to post about very real issues facing homeschoolers and what isn't as often an issue in the public school world without being told, "It happens in ps, too." It isn't very supportive but is extremely invalidating. :( I have seen and lived the difference in my life and in the early years of my oldest two dc's lives. ::sigh::

 

Not at all with the bolded. No matter how much homeschool has grown, it is still an alternative life style. It is hard always swimming against societal norms. What I do when it really gets to me is to make a joy and annoyance list. All the things that bug me about homeschool (the stares, the extra work to maintain friendships for the kids, the "I could never do that comments" that make you feel like a social freak. Then, I list all the things I love about homeschooling; not having to be on someone else's schedule, making hot breakfast for my kids, spending the day with my kids, picking what they learn, field trip etc... That list is always longer than the annoyance list.

 

Then I look at my annoyance list and say, this is the small amount of crud I put up with to gain all this joy. It usually makes me feel better.

 

About the friend thing. I don't know if this will work, and it is a pain in the you know where, but I have become the school in service house. If my 2 kids each have 2 friends over, that is 6 kids. Honestly, if there are 6 kids running around your house all day, you might as well have 12.

 

I provide (for free as for me it is socialization day) a safe place for my kid's friends to come for the day on all those many in service days. I get a huge roll of paper out that I tack to the back fence (rainy days the inside of the garage door) lots of paints and have them paint a mural. We do lunch, snacks, a movie. Then we have a karaoke machine I get out. Costumes and all the musical instruments. I just make sure it is an awesome, fun, kid day. I have found that since I have been doing that, we still don't get many birthday parties, but when the kids are getting a treat and can bring one special friend, it is my kids a lot now.

 

By the way, I do make sure we have nothing going on the next day, and that I have a full bottle of tylenol to get through the day. It is worth it in the end, kids love coming here, and I am the fun mom. Some have even started bringing homework problems and asking if they can sit quietly with me and would I help them.

 

Might not work for you, but I wanted to throw it out there as an option.:grouphug:

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

If it helps would you like my story.

 

I homeschooled in high school. I saw kids from church everyday. (early morning seminary), and my homeschool friends everyday (choir, basketball games, bowling, cheer practice, basketball games.) But I also spent lots of time with my little brother who was closest in age. Point was I was around kids on a daily basis but even then my best friends weren't in either group really.

 

I had other friends that I related to better even though I didn't see them as often. At the end of my day my best friend was my little brother and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I really wouldn't. I am so glad I had that time with him and that we were close.

 

Yes we socialize and make sure my kids have some friends, with scouts, church and play dates, but if at the end of my homeschooling career their best friends are siblings, I will be so happy.

 

Yes it is hard going though it, I remember more than one crying episode, but really looking back I will be forever grateful to my parents for homeschooling in the 90's and giving me time with my brother.

[hsbaby]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

If it helps would you like my story.

 

I homeschooled in high school. I saw kids from church everyday. (early morning seminary), and my homeschool friends everyday (choir, basketball games, bowling, cheer practice, basketball games.) But I also spent lots of time with my little brother who was closest in age. Point was I was around kids on a daily basis but even then my best friends weren't in either group really.

 

I had other friends that I related to better even though I didn't see them as often. At the end of my day my best friend was my little brother and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I really wouldn't. I am so glad I had that time with him and that we were close.

 

Yes we socialize and make sure my kids have some friends, with scouts, church and play dates, but if at the end of my homeschooling career their best friends are siblings, I will be so happy.

 

Yes it is hard going though it, I remember more than one crying episode, but really looking back I will be forever grateful to my parents for homeschooling in the 90's and giving me time with my brother.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I worry about the friend thing a lot as well. Your post was very encouraging:)

[MIch elle]

:grouphug:

 

It's one of the reasons my boys went to high school. Now, one is a college freshman and other is a high school sophomore. It was the best decision to put them in school at the time that we did (gr 9 & gr 8).

[JenC3]

I think it's harder in this day and age. My closest friend lived down the street when I was 4. We have been friends for 35 years. We've gone through everything together and we didn't go to the same school until 8th grade and I moved when we were 9.

 

I only have 1 friend from highschool and my other friend mentioned that I maintain a relationship, so 2 friends. I think it's more about quality than quantity.

 

My dd's best friend is from church, this family actually brought us to the church. So far we haven't had any friend complaints.

Edited September 12, 2012 by JenC3

[lailasmum]

I think at the moment we are lucky because there are several kids in the street that my dd plays with. She gets on with them to varying degrees but generally they have got used to her not being at school and they all go to one of 3 different schools anyway. Their friends are more suspicious of the fact she is home educated and tend to not talk to her if they are around. My youngest is starting to question why he doesn't have more friends but I am finding it a bit hard to let him play with the kids in the same street in the same way just becuase he is younger.

[Cassy]

Last year DS13 was at school and DS11 was homeschooled. DS13 has had a very difficult time socially at school, and his first year at this particular school was horribly lonely and unhappy for him. Last year he had two friends in total in a year group of 120, and even they weren't particularly close. DS11, on the other hand, would finish his homeschool work by 4 pm-ish and would then go out to play at the playing fields and playground at a housing development just over the road from us. He had around a dozen friends from there who called regularly and invited him out. DS11 has just started the same school as DS13 and already knows many of the boys in his form. Despite being apparently more popular and successful socially DS11 is much more of an introvert than DS13 and generally cares less about having friends, whilst DS13 is a real extravert and his friends are very important to him.

 

I think so much depends on individual children's personalities, the types of children and their families with whom they have opportunities to mix, and the general culture of kids playing out or relying on play dates, that I do think you can over-emphasise the role of homeschooling when worrying about children and their friendships. In my experience childhood friendships can be very problematic regardless of where they go to school. If they do go to school you just become more aware of how many other children are struggling in this respect, whilst when you're homeschooling you have the illusion that if they were in school then the 'friendship' thing would be all taken care of. That just isn't true.

 

:grouphug:

[Jpoy85]

for your younger children you can join MOMSnext. Its an offshoot of MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers). MOMSnext is for those of us with older school aged children. It focuses on the issues we have. (which are different than those of a preschooler). You can join with a scholarship if you cant afford the cost and there are local groups all over. Look for a group here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another option would be join a homeschool support group of any kind. There are so many and many are free or cheap or offer a scholarship.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A final option would be to try Girl and Boy scouts or a similar group. C is in Girl Scouts and her whole group is homeschooled!

[Jeannie in NJ]

this is our experience with my special needs son. We went to a couple of homeschool co-ops until he was about 10 and then we were asked to leave, here were the reasons:

1. ds is Asian and the other kids are not used to minorities. Stupid reason.

2. ds is hard of hearing and tends to talk loud. This bothered the other kids and the MOMS who wanted classes and co-op to be QUIET

2. they thought he was too "odd" and just did not fit in

 

so we left and I put him in special ed at school. He was in a self contained classroom for 5th and 6th grades. He had no friends his age but the older kids as in 8th grade were very nice to him and he considered them friends. In 7th grade, budget was cut and special ed teachers were let go so ds was mainstreamed and it was a disaster. The guidence person said that ds just did not "fit in" with students his age so pulled him out and now homeschool him again.

 

He has no friends his age. High schoolers have always been so kind to ds so he considers them friends. Ds has volunteered at a yoyo store since he was 8, the employees there are high schoolers and young 20 something year olds. They are so good with my son. He considers them friends, also ds sometimes fishes and he has met lots of senior citizen gentlemen and he calls them his friends. We do worry about him sometimes not having friends his age but he says that dh is his best friend, he seems fine having older friends. When he was in school, it did bother him that he had no friends his age but I think that was because the guidance counsler made such a big deal out of it

[fairfarmhand]

my oldest struggles with this too. She's finally found a group to hang out with, but it is in a military town and she no sooner starts a friends ship than the girl will move away. (sigh)

 

I ache for my extroverted 3rd dd. She really loves hanging out with other little girls, but it is hard when most of her church friends are in school. Right now she's only 7, but I fear as she gets older she will be the one left out, and I know that she will be hurt.

 

Even with the young kids we struggle because most other families (even homeschooling families) are SO doggone busy, that we can't get together. Every day of the week they have something scheduled.

 

And I have struggled with this as well. My homeschooling buddies went back to work and it felt that my support evaporated. I'm beginning to make new friends but...

 

Anyway, I have kind of encouraged my oldest to get involved in other things. For instance, she thinks that hanging out with our County 4H agents is awesome, even though they are of other generations. There's certain adult ladies in our church that she likes to do things with, like her piano teacher. I'm trying to fill her extroverted needs in other ways. She's finally figuring out that she can have friends that are NOT teens, but she enjoys the times when she hangs out with her youth group and school friends too.

 

We stepped out a couple years ago and joined a large homeschooling support group. I do not generally care for large groups, preferring to get together with 1-2 other families, but that group helped me make some desperately needed friendships for myself and my kids.

[fairfarmhand]

 

He has no friends his age. High schoolers have always been so kind to ds so he considers them friends. Ds has volunteered at a yoyo store since he was 8, the employees there are high schoolers and young 20 something year olds. They are so good with my son. He considers them friends, also ds sometimes fishes and he has met lots of senior citizen gentlemen and he calls them his friends. We do worry about him sometimes not having friends his age but he says that dh is his best friend, he seems fine having older friends. When he was in school, it did bother him that he had no friends his age but I think that was because the guidance counsler made such a big deal out of it

this is fine. Absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with having friends that are not your exact age. Most of my friends as a teen were with other adults, even though I was in school. And as an adult, I am SO glad that I have friends from teens to age 80.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry it's been hard -- it sounds like you are doing everything right!

 

When my children were all younger and all homeschooled, they didn't have a lot of friends outside of our family either. There were one or two homeschooled families we would get together with now and then. However, there aren't many homeschoolers in our community (it's a small town) and we found that the kids in ps were so busy and caught up in their own schedules, that they really didn't have time to be social with other children outside of their school and extra-curricular circles. (Also, it's much easier and more comfortable to stay within the circles they spend most of their time in.)

 

My children did make more friends when they entered the ps circles -- through extra curricular activities and sports. However, that wasn't until later, and most of their growing up years involved mostly family time. They were truly each other's best friends!

 

Now they are all out of high school except one, they are well socialized :) and have good friends, but their BEST friends are still each other and they usually choose to spend their free time with each other.

 

So, even though it's hard -- especially if it's hard on your kids -- try and play it down and enjoy this time as a close-knit family. They are building close friendships with each other that will probably last a lifetime.

 

Oh -- another thing that helped my children was to help them find hobbies/interests. If you can help them find things they really enjoy doing, it can be very fulfilling.

[Starr]

We've always had family friends but dd didn't have girl friends her own age to hang out with very often. College changed everything.

[DianeW88]

I wonder, too, if a lot of it isn't due to a general breakdown of neighborhood/community culture. I know some places have neighborhoods where kids still run around and play together, but those neighborhoods seem to be a dying breed. So many people are so overscheduled, our society seems much more transient today--in so many places we just don't have the built-in structure to form and maintain relationships with neighbors anymore. I think that might affect hs'ers more than ps'ers simply because hs'ers would have even fewer chances for kids to really connect, especially on a daily basis. If more places were still like that, it might be easier for hs kids to develop more lasting friendships that aren't dependent on parents arranging playdates in already hectic schedules or on who happens to be on the soccer team or in the dance class this time around.

 

:iagree:Completely!! Where I live in Utah, we still have that kind of neighborhood. Kids run around on their own, even as young as 4 or 5 years old. All the moms know each other and we know every child by name and to whom they belong. We look out for each other's children, and they are always welcomed in our home if they need anything...like a drink or a band-aid. We all attend the same church, so of course, that makes it easier. And I admit, we are an anomaly when compared to other places outside of Utah...it's a cultural thing here. But...I think the way the rest of our nation has changed is going to affect our children's lives.

 

My mother never managed my friends, playtime, whose house I was at, etc. I went outside in the morning and came home for meals. My kids have always done the same thing. I do not schedule "play dates". When my kids want to play with a friend they walk to their house and knock on the door. All the kids meet in the cul-de-sac at night and play tag, hide and seek, and kick the can.

 

I think the problems arise when mommies are too involved in the whole "kid friendship" thing. Then it becomes all about them, and who THEY think is "acceptable" as a friend for their little precious. And nine times out of ten, they won't be choosing "those weird homeschoolers". Such a shame.

[amy g.]

My kids have friend's from swim team, and even though we live far away, they do get invited to birthday parties.

 

Ds has friend's from Boy Scouts. He even gets invited when some of families go on vacation.

 

My 13 year old makes friends everywhere she goes. She has friends from summer art camp, swim team and her outsourced classes.

 

Dd18 is much less social. She said that she had to take a survey in one of her classes, and she was 2nd percentile on the social scale.

 

She does like to work though, and her limited social needs are met by volunteering, and working on projects with others.

 

So in my family, even though we are not in a neighborhood, and all of the kids have outside activities, how many friend's they have depends entirely on how outgoing that child is.

[Jenny in Florida]

Anyway, it isn't against the law (of this board anyway) is it to say everything isn't always rosy and perfect with homeschooling?

 

Having had feet in both worlds (including my oldest being in ps for his first two years of school) I feel it is absolutely accurate in our community that if my dc attended the local public schools with their peers, they would have more friends and be included in more social activities.

 

:( Support for homeschooling and homeschoolers should include being able to post about very real issues facing homeschoolers and what isn't as often an issue in the public school world without being told, "It happens in ps, too." It isn't very supportive but is extremely invalidating. :( I have seen and lived the difference in my life and in the early years of my oldest two dc's lives. ::sigh::

 

Of course it's not against the rules to share this stuff.

 

All I can tell you from my own experience is that a lot of this depends on the kid, too. My daughter when she was homeschooling never had more than one or two close friends at any one time. Usually, it was just one. She had "friends" wherever she went -- church, classes and camps, etc. When we were still living in apartments, she usually knew a few kids well enough to run around on the playground or play at the swimming pool. But in terms of getting together intentionally for parties and such? She was usually limited to just a couple of kids.

 

My son, however, with no more social opportunities than she had, has a nice group of guys with whom he hangs out pretty regularly. They go to each other's birthday parties, have a few sleepovers and other get-togethers each year, hang out at each other's houses, and all of that stuff. He also seems to know everyone in town at least casually.

 

They just have different personalities and different social needs.

 

Now that my daughter is older, she's building more friendships with a wider group of people. But when she was younger, she was content with just a couple of close friends.

 

I will also say that we've often had to initiate and nurture social opportunities. We're the ones who have an open house to my son's friends whenever they're available. We host at least three or four events here every year. We signed my son up for unlimited texting on his cell phone, because that's how most of these kids keep in touch. And he chats with two or three people that way for at least a few minutes every day.

 

They both use Facebook for chatting, too. My daughter talks several times a week with friends who don't live nearby, and they arrange to get together whenever possible. Again, we have an open invitation to any of her friends to stay with us whenever they can get to town.

 

I think you're right that this kind of thing is easier and more natural when kids are thrown together five days a week in a school setting. I don't necessarily believe that makes for better friendships, though, just more convenient ones.

[Aelwydd]

I know the first thing people ask when you say you are homeschooling is, "What about socialization? What about friends?"

 

This is our 11th year. Our dc have attended the same church for 9 years - choir, Sunday School, Youth Group, VBS, etc. They have been in the same Scout troops their entire Scout careers, and have stayed on the same soccer (and at its time, baseball way back when) teams.

 

Each of my dc has one, maybe two, friends. They are rarely ever invited to anything, from birthday parties to play dates. They are almost never included in anything.

 

 

 

That does hurt, even when the party is for a kid that's not necessarily a friend. When the rest of the group is included, but not your kid, it stings.

 

My son is an only child, so the friendship thing has been very important for us. He doesn't have any sibling relationships to fall back on, although he does have to cousins near his age. We have used the cousin relationship to substitute heavily for siblings in several ways. They share Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthdays together, without fail.

 

We're fortunate in that our apartment community has a couple of boys our ds' age, who are not the least put off by his hs'ing status. So he has two good friends to play with here, plus his cousins. There are some other friends through his hockey team, but these are more casual. He would love to have a sleepover, but to be honest, I think most of the parents would hesitate to let their kid sleep over with Jackson. Plus, they all live 20+ minutes away, so the friendships are so far mostly confined to practices, games, and the occasional birthday party.

 

I think that FTMP the days of just letting your kids roam the neighborhood and find friends that way are mostly over, due to increased parental vigilance and the fact that ps is demanding more time in terms of home work and extra curriculars.

[labst60]

OP- Your older kids my be too told for this to be relevant (my oldest is 7, so I have no experience with anything over that!)

 

But despite being a "homeschool" family for the past 3 year (no ps), we have not had any social issues (short the first few months when we moved 900 miles away from home!)

 

Rather than setting up kid "playdates" I try to set up "family" playdates. If DD clicks with someone (down to our littlest), we will invite the FAMILY over for dinner (pizza, cookout, etc). I get to know the mom, DH gets to know the dad - the kids (all ages) play together. And I think that really helps the kids (and families) bond.

 

Maybe at your older kids age - you could try to set up a movie or nails or tea with one of your DD's and a couple of acquaintences and their moms? Maybe the dads and boys could o a sports thing? :001_smile:

 

I've really lookd at it as part of my "job" to build a social network for the girls. That being said, my oldest DD is a social magnet - so she makes it easy. THings may be VERY different if my middle DD was the oldest as she is much more shy/reserved - so I'm sure it plays heavily on the kids involved.

 

But I guess my point is - if you are wanting to build them a bigger social network, it might be worth a try to jump in with them - add some activities - get to know the moms well - and go from there. Good Luck!

[cindergretta]

Ever since I posted the OP, I have faithfully read all the replies (on my phone) and thought of all the things I wanted to address but couldn't. Now I am finally on my laptop and have time and I can't think of one silly thing I wanted to say!!!! ::doh::

 

Thank you so much for the support and helping me not feel so alone. :grouphug: Man, it seriously STINKS all over that I am not alone in this issue. While I am glad I am not alone, I am NOT thrilled that I am not alone...

 

Well, if I ever remember what I wanted to post, I will come back. :lol: In the meantime, I will just "keep on keepin' on!" ;)

 

(My main concern are my dds12&16. The others have other issues that make friendships tricky anyway. But these two are extroverts and social with no other issues. They are so active on their soccer teams and in their Girl Scout troops that I am just sad that they can't seem to be included outside of these activities, kwim? And between them and all the groups, the girls fall along school lines - they all include a mix of schools and outside the activity itself, where all the girls get along just fine, they socialize with the other girls from their own school. Does that make sense? My dds aren't ostracized for being home schooled. I hope it didn't read like that. My dc just don't have a school with peeps. ;) )

[TXMomof4]

OP- Your older kids my be too told for this to be relevant (my oldest is 7, so I have no experience with anything over that!)

 

But despite being a "homeschool" family for the past 3 year (no ps), we have not had any social issues (short the first few months when we moved 900 miles away from home!)

 

Rather than setting up kid "playdates" I try to set up "family" playdates. If DD clicks with someone (down to our littlest), we will invite the FAMILY over for dinner (pizza, cookout, etc). I get to know the mom, DH gets to know the dad - the kids (all ages) play together. And I think that really helps the kids (and families) bond.

 

Maybe at your older kids age - you could try to set up a movie or nails or tea with one of your DD's and a couple of acquaintences and their moms? Maybe the dads and boys could o a sports thing? :001_smile:

 

I've really lookd at it as part of my "job" to build a social network for the girls. That being said, my oldest DD is a social magnet - so she makes it easy. THings may be VERY different if my middle DD was the oldest as she is much more shy/reserved - so I'm sure it plays heavily on the kids involved.

 

But I guess my point is - if you are wanting to build them a bigger social network, it might be worth a try to jump in with them - add some activities - get to know the moms well - and go from there. Good Luck!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Also, as a hser I won't have the opportunity to observe these kids and really get to know their parents if I don't invite them over. It is really important to me to get to know the family dynamic as well as just the child. My dd was in ps last year, but I followed the same 'rule'. I had to know the family before I would let her have sleepovers etc. At first glance there was NO WAY I'd let her go over there. The friend's dad was tattooed from neck to knees. Mom was much more .... modern than I am. I was sure the evening would not be fun. Turned out to be fantastic and their dd spent tons of time over here. She even went on a cross-country trip with us.

 

Really, really.....make that effort immediately when your kids hit it off with someone. It is entirely too easy for the relationship to become only a casual, in passing thing unless you make the effort to bring more to it. KWIM?

 

ETA: Inviting the family also give the kids a reason to get together. The older kids don't want a 'playdate' but once they get together they have a good time. I know it is awkward to invite an older child without a specific purpose. Inviting the family takes the pressure off the kids to do something fun. They will have fun, but the purpose of the visit is to get to know the parents, kwim?

Edited September 14, 2012 by TXMomof4

[ktgrok]

The way we fixed that was to participate more in activities with other homeschoolers. We have a weekly meet up with other kids my son's age, that are homeschooled. I had to start this myself to make sure it actually would happen. But now he has several homeschooled friends. He is also lucky that he has kids in the neighborhood he plays with almost daily.