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Posting with grave trepidation

cindergretta
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TranquilMind

TranquilMind

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I was planning on keeping this totally to myself except for one board member. But she assured me that it was probably better to post and receive the support I really need than to stress out alone.

 

Dh and I decided to try for one last wee one last year. We conceived right away and then m/c'd at 6 weeks. Undaunted, we tried again right away as everyone assured us that I would be most fertile right after a loss. So we did and conceived again, right away. We then m/c'd at 6 weeks again. Then we didn't conceive for one cycle and conceived again the next cycle. Another 6 week loss. At this point, we decided to TTA until we could get in to see my peri. (I have high risk pregnancies due to repeated pre-e and HELLP Syndrome.) Somehow, we ended up pg without meaning to be! :001_huh:

 

Anyway, right from the start, I was so sick. My hCG numbers were through the roof. At 6 weeks we had an u/s and saw the fetal pole and sac. At 8 weeks we had another u/s and saw the heartbeat. At a 12 week u/s, we learned the baby had died. I was beyond devastated. (It was in June and I posted here and you guys were so supportive. Thank you!!!! :grouphug: )

 

Anyway, we saw the peri at the end of August after two normal cycles. He told us we could try again.

 

Today I got two bfps - one on a $1 store test (FMU) and one on a FRER (late afternoon.)

 

I am not excited. How long will I be pg this time? A couple of more weeks? How about a couple of more months, maybe? ::sigh::

 

I want a baby so I can't quit or give up yet. But I will have to soon for my sanity and my age. (I will be 40 in February.)

 

We aren't telling *anyone* IRL, not even our older dc. I'm not posting anything about it FB or my other "mommy board." I just feel too raw and vulnerable and exposed. (I know anyone can find this post but I'm not too worried about it. I don't necessarily care if anyone finds out. I just don't want to announce anything or tell anyone. Does that make sense?)

 

Ok, well, there it is. At least for the moment, I am pregnant.

Well, congratulations! And as a Christian (not sure if you are or not), I rebuke fear in Jesus' name.

 

If you are, look up all the scriptures on fear and on childbirth and say them out loud daily. It will help, really. Here are a couple.

 

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

 

Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

 

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

 

Psalm 37:4 The Angel of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them.

 

And Psalm 91!

 

I wish you the best and great success this time!

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Slojo

Slojo

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Hi,

 

I don't post much, and actually had to reactivate my account/start over just to post. But I felt moved to post and send hugs. :grouphug: I experienced three miscarriages in a row - one at 13 weeks, one at 11 weeks and one at 6 weeks over the course of the last 2 1/2 years. I am also 40 years old, and this time I am 6 months along. I understand the "pregnant for now" feeling and the not being particularly excited.

 

Even at 6 months I struggle with a bit of private morbidity about aspects of the pregnancy. I am more excited, but when I made it to six months there was also this somewhat morbid feeling of "Well, at least with modern technology, she'd probably survive if something were to happen today." Not quite the celebratory "we're having a baby!" excitement I had with my first. And not quite the message I want to put out on facebook or anywhere else - most people would not get it/empathize with such a complex emotion.

 

This one's a girl after two boys and three miscarriages - and in my heart of hearts I have wanted the opportunity to parent a daughter, but there's a small piece of me bracing myself for "going through all of this, and somehow not having it quite all work out" (i.e., no baby). I am happy about this baby, but have resigned myself that I'm just going to be "weird" about the whole pregnancy until, Lord willing, she's here. Only last week did I allow myself to buy a cute little girl outfit. But today, I spotted -- apparently things are okay, but we are back into emotional roller coaster land.

 

I am wrestling with God about why I need to go through so many ups and downs (Hey, Jacob wrestled with God so I'm in good company). And I really don't like sharing much about any of these internal ups and downs with folks IRL because 1) I'm supposed to be happy and not the least bit conflicted, etc... and 2) most of them try to make things better and/or start rambling on about the greater meaning of it all (My sarcastic response - in my head - has been "If life is trying to teach me a lesson, we've reviewed that chapter multiple times. Either move on to new material or confer the **** (sorry for language) degree already!").

 

So though my story is not your story, I get the swirl of emotions, the ups and downs, and the need to guard your heart and your hopes. Everything you are feeling is normal. My best prayers and hugs are reserved for you.

 

I know this thread has many posts, but I hope something I said was helpful.

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cindergretta

cindergretta

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Thank you all. :grouphug: I am so glad I posted. With not telling anyone IRL, I feel pretty "alone" in this for now, kwim?

 

My progesterone levels were tested with the last two losses (before I lost them, obviously :tongue_smilie: ) and they were absolutely fine, solid, not borderline and growing normally. So I am not too worried about that this time and since my insurance doesn't cover the testing at all, I'm going to skip it. <no tomatoes please>

 

I am religiously taking my medications, prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid, and baby aspirin.

 

I really appreciate every single post, thought, idea, prayer, hug, verse, and so on. This is so much harder than I expected and I'm not sure how to proceed half the time. So yes, every last letter in this thread is how I will get through it. :grouphug:

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GWOB

GWOB

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Thank you all. :grouphug: I am so glad I posted. With not telling anyone IRL, I feel pretty "alone" in this for now, kwim?

 

My progesterone levels were tested with the last two losses (before I lost them, obviously :tongue_smilie: ) and they were absolutely fine, solid, not borderline and growing normally. So I am not too worried about that this time and since my insurance doesn't cover the testing at all, I'm going to skip it. <no tomatoes please>

 

I am religiously taking my medications, prenatal vitamins, extra folic acid, and baby aspirin.

 

I really appreciate every single post, thought, idea, prayer, hug, verse, and so on. This is so much harder than I expected and I'm not sure how to proceed half the time. So yes, every last letter in this thread is how I will get through it. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: Sweetie, this is the crappy time. This is the time where you know you should be happy, but all you want to do is lie down and eat green leafy vegetables until you push the kid out. Now is the time where you look up at God and say "Seriously dude, I just cannot take yet another loss." You never, ever get over the guilt that lost babies bring. It is so real and so visceral that you never think you will get over it. You get to the point that you automatically cry over a positive test. Then you stop moving, trying everything in your power to save that baby. Then you feel guilty/apprehensive when you reach 12 weeks because you have be a less-than-awesome mom to your surviving kids and you don't want to get your hopes up. Then you get to 20 weeks and you finally think you can move again without somehow dislodging the baby (because pg brain after multiple losses is just crazy). Then before you know it you are pushing out that baby. You look at her and feel relieved/guilty. Relieved because finally your body didn't fail you and guilty because you sacrificed so much to get there.

 

This is real. Your feelings are real and completely valid. And many of us understand.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those are sticky-baby vibes and prayers aimed right at you.:grouphug:

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cindergretta

cindergretta

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:grouphug: Sweetie, this is the crappy time. This is the time where you know you should be happy, but all you want to do is lie down and eat green leafy vegetables until you push the kid out. Now is the time where you look up at God and say "Seriously dude, I just cannot take yet another loss." You never, ever get over the guilt that lost babies bring. It is so real and so visceral that you never think you will get over it. You get to the point that you automatically cry over a positive test. Then you stop moving, trying everything in your power to save that baby. Then you feel guilty/apprehensive when you reach 12 weeks because you have be a less-than-awesome mom to your surviving kids and you don't want to get your hopes up. Then you get to 20 weeks and you finally think you can move again without somehow dislodging the baby (because pg brain after multiple losses is just crazy). Then before you know it you are pushing out that baby. You look at her and feel relieved/guilty. Relieved because finally your body didn't fail you and guilty because you sacrificed so much to get there.

 

This is real. Your feelings are real and completely valid. And many of us understand.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those are sticky-baby vibes and prayers aimed right at you.:grouphug:

 

Wow, how incredibly accurate!!!! Thank you for putting actual words to all this craziness swirling around in my head!! :grouphug:

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newlifemom

newlifemom

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:grouphug: Sweetie, this is the crappy time. This is the time where you know you should be happy, but all you want to do is lie down and eat green leafy vegetables until you push the kid out. Now is the time where you look up at God and say "Seriously dude, I just cannot take yet another loss." You never, ever get over the guilt that lost babies bring. It is so real and so visceral that you never think you will get over it. You get to the point that you automatically cry over a positive test. Then you stop moving, trying everything in your power to save that baby. Then you feel guilty/apprehensive when you reach 12 weeks because you have be a less-than-awesome mom to your surviving kids and you don't want to get your hopes up. Then you get to 20 weeks and you finally think you can move again without somehow dislodging the baby (because pg brain after multiple losses is just crazy). Then before you know it you are pushing out that baby. You look at her and feel relieved/guilty. Relieved because finally your body didn't fail you and guilty because you sacrificed so much to get there.

 

This is real. Your feelings are real and completely valid. And many of us understand.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those are sticky-baby vibes and prayers aimed right at you.:grouphug:

 

 

 

Wow! :iagree: Sadly, I know too well these feelings. Dh and I finally had to stop. It was so hard though. We really wanted one more. Thought the Lord had one more. [sigh] :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Please know these feelings are normal and He can take whatever you can dish out. Ask me how I know. :D

 

Here's hoping for a very sticky baby and a long and uneventful 9 months.

 

:grouphug: again.

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mamakim

mamakim

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:grouphug:

 

I kept typing out different things but nothing sounds right . . . as Wendilouwho said, there are a lot of us here who understand that crazy swirl of emotions. I personally decided that if I couldn't be excited (and I couldn't - it was just too hard) I'd at least send that baby all the love I could so that if it was another lost baby I'd loved him/her while he/she was in me. Which makes no sense, I realize, but comforted me. "I love you as long as you're here" was what I could hold onto.

 

:grouphug: Prayers here.

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