How do I do this better next time?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds15 goofed. The library sent multiple notices that an expensive book was overdue. He looked around and then insisted that he had taken it back to the library. He talked to the librarian and they did a shelf check. When the book was not there, they charged him $35.00. Ds protested to me that he had too handed the book in. I talked to the librarian and they told me the process to go through to contest the charge. Fortunately I didn't do it though because last night I was looking for something else and found the book in ds' stuff. Not hidden or anything. It was just among non-book related stuff and was lost.

 

This morning, I pointed out the book to ds and then "yelled" at him for his carelessness. (I put yelled in quotes because I wasn't actually yelling but I was speaking sharply to him). I told him that he would have to fix this by going to the librarian, apologizing and seeing how to return it and hopefully get the fine taken off even though the book has been officially marked as lost. Ds listened respectfully but was upset. I realized that I was not treating ds the way I would want to be treated as an adult (or someone learning how to be an adult). I yelled and immediately told him what he needed to do as a consequence, instead of letting him own up to his mistake and take responsibility for it on his own. (I realized that just last week I made an expensive mistake of my own and I am so glad that dh did not yell at me when I owned up to it and did my best to fix it, though we will have some financial consequences.)

 

So - I know that I want to allow him to learn to handle mistakes with maturity. Instead of yelling and telling him what he should do, what should I do next time? Do I just give him the book? And then sit back? Do I step in at some point if he isn't doing the right thing?

[Ottakee]

It would depend on the child but I do think he is old enough to be responsible for a library book and then the apology that goes with his error----unless of course HE wishes to pay the $35 and just keep the book.

 

I listened to a great discussion on Christian radio last week about entitlement and giving kids MORE responsibility and helping them through this process but not doing everything for them.

[AnnaM]

I dont have a 15 year old yet so take what I say with a grain of inexperienced salt, but I think I would have let him know that you located the book and then asked him how he thought he should handle it. Listen and talk together about the options and then let him decide (with your guidance) what route he wants to take with reconciling it. If there is only one choice, then discussing it will give you the chance to help him come to that conclusion and if there are multiple choices (Keep the book and eat the $35 or return it, apologize, and hope to get a refund) then if he paid for the book, which he should have at 15, then let him make the choice. Either consequence seems reasonable.

[Starr]

When is your library's free return week?

[AK_Mom4]

I'm good at these - I stick my feet in my mouth frequently!

 

Apologize for losing your cool. Give him the book and let him return it. Provide transport graciously if he needs it to get to the library.

 

As far as next time, I just try to keep my mouth shut - hard as it is - so I don't lose my temper, once I make sure he understands what needs to happen. The line between a gentle reminder and nagging is tricky to walk and often I have to set things up for my DS so that things get done (drive him to the library, set the book out by his plate at the table each day, etc).

 

My DS16 finds new ways to drive me bonkers each day. Today's was looking at the check I had given him LAST WEEK to sign up for the PSAT and asking me what I wanted him to do with it. Yikes!

[Ellie]

i think a 15yo can still take instruction from a parent on what to do in any given situation. He is still an unformed adult; you are forming him by telling him what to do in a situation that has never ocurred before.

 

If it had been one of my dds, I would probably have taken her by the hand into the room where the book was and pointed it out to her, and we might have had a good laugh over it, and then I'd have told her she needed to go to the library and apologize and all that, if she didn't on her own say "I guess I need to go to the library."

[regentrude]

It would be nice if adults could always remain calm and detached, but that is not the reality, and teenagers need to learn to deal with it. You were upset and raised your voice, which is what bosses and coworkers and other adults may do in situations like this. If he is upset, he should be - not because you raised your voice, but because he messed up. He should be upset even if you had spoken in calm and soothing tones. I would be concerned if he was not.

 

You were rightly upset for several reasons: 1. he had not been checking carefully enough for the book even though he was supposed to. 2. You had wasted your time going to the librarian because he misremembered about the book, and 3. you went out on a limb on his word which turned out to be not true. So, IMO, you definitely have the right to tell him exactly what you expect him to do.

 

I would not change anything.

Edited September 11, 2012 by regentrude

[Danestress]

I don't have any problem with "telling" a 15 year old what to do in that situation. Frankly, he is not an adult, and how he handles problems reflects on the whole family. Also, these are valuable teaching moments. So while it might have been nice to let him reach his own conclusion on the necessity of apologizing, there ultimately would be no other conclusion I would accept. So ultimately I WOULD boss him around in a way I would not boss an adult.

 

But tone of voice is the detail in which the devil is found. So if you are not happy with yours, that might be something to think about and apologize for.

[marbel]

I probably would have yelled too. And I'm not using quotes because I actually would have yelled.

 

OK, what I should do? I should tell him I found the book, and where. Then ask him what he thought he should do. And guide him to the correct answer if he did not go there himself.

 

("Put it in the night return so I don't have to talk to the librarian about it?")

 

Then I'd work on a better process for keeping track of our library books. In theory we have a basket in the living room where books are supposed to go when they are not being read but it doesn't always work that way. We do check our accounts daily to keep track of due dates and initiate book quests if something goes missing right before it's due.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Those of you who said that I should still walk him through it were right. Once we got to the library, he said that he didn't know what to say. I tried to talk him through role playing. When that didn't work, I gave him two possible scripts. When he still said that he didn't know what to say :banghead:, I made him write out his own script. He wrote a perfectly fine one. Then he went in and talked to the librarian (with no script to help him) just fine. :D They forgave the lost fee but charged him the fine ($3.00) for the actual time it was late. All is well.

[Sara in AZ]

Jean, Can I have a copy of your script? I just found a lost book I payed $35 for (as part of a very large bill for other overdue books.) It was tucked into the stack by my nightstand. I have to return it tomorrow and beg for my money back. :lol:

[Forget-Me-Not]

It would be nice if adults could always remain calm and detached, but that is not the reality, and teenagers need to learn to deal with it. You were upset and raised your voice, which is what bosses and coworkers and other adults may do in situations like this.

 

:iagree: Sometimes we don't make the best choices in the moment, but we can all learn from that, apologize and move on :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, Can I have a copy of your script? I just found a lost book I payed $35 for (as part of a very large bill for other overdue books.) It was tucked into the stack by my nightstand. I have to return it tomorrow and beg for my money back. :lol:

 

If your library system is like ours, you won't get money back. We got the amount forgiven only because we hadn't actually paid it yet. :grouphug: Otherwise try, "I thought I had lost this but found it. I already paid for it. Is it possible to get my money back?" :D

[Sara in AZ]

Our library actually has a policy that they will refund, less a processing fee if you bring it back with the receipt. I paid online, though, and didn't print anything. I'm hoping they'll work with me. I'm glad you could turn this into a good learning experience for your son. :001_smile:

[Audrey]

I would have just given him the book and calmly told him he might want to get down to the library and see if they'll let him return the book, remove the charge and just owe a late fine instead. If he needed a ride to get there, I'd give him one, but I wouldn't go in with him or do it for him. Not for a 15 year old. I don't think there's any need to have "yelled" or spoken sharply. It was a mistake. I would offer a suggestion for rectifying the mistake, but it sounds like he knew when you gave him the book that he'd goofed, so no lecture or "yelling" was necessary.

 

We've all made mistakes just like that. As adults teaching children who are nearing adulthood, we should be focusing more on offering solutions and helping them find solutions for their problems than lectures or "yelling." We would, after all, not appreciate being "yelled" at for what is, relatively speaking, a simple mistake that could be easily rectified.

 

JMO, YMMV, usual disclaimers and yada yada.