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Holding a grudge....


Donna
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I am not someone who holds a grudge. I tend to get over hurts quickly. My husband gets angry at me often because I get over things quickly so sometimes he feels like my family treats me not quite as good as they should because they know I'll get over it. This has gone on for years. I am the one in the family who chose to live here so my kids could grow up around their grandparents while my siblings moved far away. So my kids are always under a microscope with them and the other grandchildren and my siblings are always the wonderful ones nobody says anything negative to because they only see them 1-2 times a year.

 

Recently my parents treated me very badly. I don't want to go into all the details but my parents accused me of some horrible things simply because I told them I honestly thought something they did was inconsiderate, they asked what I thought about this and I told them the truth. The stuff they accused me of went way beyond what I did (disagree with them) called for and told me I should call before coming over because they would have the alarm set on the house from now on. This was said in anger and in a very nasty way basically as an I wasn't welcome there anymore way...so I simply haven't gone over since (almost 3 weeks when I previously I would see them 3-4 times a week). They haven't made any attempt to contact me either and my father can hold a grudge for years so I doubt they will.

 

So, my choice is to give in and call or go on with life without seeing them. If I give in it will not be pleasant...the grudge will continue and visits will be full of tension. I feel like they expect me to give in and I am tired of always being the one to do it.

 

Has anyone who is normally very forgiving ever reached the end of their rope in a similar way and felt like they just can't keep doing it? I feel like it would give them permission to continue to treat my kids critically and I don't like it. It's the mama bear coming out of me.

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Well, I don't see it on your part as holding a grudge. I see it as establishing and protecting an appropriate boundary. Changing the status quo can be painful and there is often push-back (as you are experiencing.) I would simply carry on. If they are ready to let go of the grudge, they will do so. I wouldn't rule out contacting them just to touch base, but if they continue to be abusive, then you calmly disengage. I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you sacrificed a lot to keep a relationship going that was not healthy.

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Well, I don't see it on your part as holding a grudge. I see it as establishing and protecting an appropriate boundary. Changing the status quo can be painful and there is often push-back (as you are experiencing.) I would simply carry on. If they are ready to let go of the grudge, they will do so. I wouldn't rule out contacting them just to touch base, but if they continue to be abusive, then you calmly disengage. I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you sacrificed a lot to keep a relationship going that was not healthy.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Sounds like you are in a very tough situation that doesn't have any easy solution. I hope you come to a decision and at least have peace about it.

 

God Bless,

 

Elise in NC

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I went through this with my Dad for 2 years. It all came down to this: First, I couldn't bear the thought of him dying and me not have been in his life. Second, forgiveness only comes from the Lord. You are NOT accountalbe to your parents. You are accountable to God. He can be the only one who can provide the forgiveness needed. The bible tells us to forgive 77x7. In other words, there is no limit. It's a heart issue and a pride issue that only God can comfort. Whenever those moments of tension come, you know where to set your boundaries. You don't have to give your whole self to them. You are an adult and can't be drawn into something that will only be damaging to a relationship. I would call. I would apologize even if there's nothing to apologize for. I would just make a clean slate and leave the tension on their side. That's me...... I just couldn't live with the other choice....

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I think you should separate the "forgiving" and the "giving in" parts. I think they are two separate issues. I think you should forgive them in your heart when you are able, but I do NOT think that automatically means you need to trust them, "give in," or otherwise allow toxic people access to your life. I would see this "time out" as a gift from the Lord to give you some rest, and I wouldn't push to end it.

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I agree with the other posters who do not think you are being unforgiving, but setting a boundary.

 

I don't know how critical they are to your kids, but if they are doing any damage to your kids you need to maintain the new boundary you are setting with them.

 

Your dh is trying to help you so I would not allow your parents to come between you and your dh for certain. That is how bullying works. Bullying cuts you off from the people who really love you. So if you have to "choose" your parents over getting along with your dh, absolutely let your dad fume for years and don't bother with making nice to them.

 

Also, just a note about forgiveness, it is not forgiveness to forgive your parents on behalf of your children. Your job is to protect your children, not forgive people who hurt them on their behalf. Your children have to do their own forgiving, and your job is to protect them from people who hurt them, so that they can forgive and maintain healthy distance. Your children can't forgive if you forgive for them and keep putting them in harm's way. I'm not saying that that is what you are doing, but I know other people who keep exposing their children to harmful grandparents under the guise of "forgiveness" so I am clarifying what I think in case this is what your dh is really annoyed about. Because it sounds to me like your dh is on your side and you may not appreciate it, :).

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I think I have forgiven them. I mean, I am not mad at them about what they said at this point. I understand how they are and I love them anyway. If they were to call and ask to see us, I would gladly go. I just cannot bring myself, at this point, to be the one to call first and it is really hard for me to think that way. Maybe someday I will be able to call or make contact somehow.

 

When the whole horrible mess happened I stood there thinking...life will never be the same again. I had tiptoed around them and ignored a lot of what went on but I just hit a point where I couldn't anymore. They aren't usually openly toxic but are subtly so, so it has been hard. They were wonderful grandparents up until a year ago when my son made a choice my father didn't like then the whole grudge thing started. It wasn't anything horrible or anything...he didn't start doing drugs or fail school or anything. He just asked my father, who was helping him workout, to workout a little earlier so he could go running with some friends and when my father told him to workout at the normal time or don't come back to workout again, he chose to go running anyway. It was stupid and the grudge my father is holding against him a year later is stupid and that added to the other thing that happened 3 weeks ago makes it so I just can't ignore it for the sake of family peace anymore.

 

My dd just had an amazing accomplishment 3 weeks ago and I am angry at them for still not contacting her to congratulate her because they are mad at me right now.

 

Thank you for helping me see the difference between forgiving and giving in. I was really having a hard time with that.

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I think I have forgiven them. I mean, I am not mad at them about what they said at this point. I understand how they are and I love them anyway. If they were to call and ask to see us, I would gladly go. I just cannot bring myself, at this point, to be the one to call first and it is really hard for me to think that way. Maybe someday I will be able to call or make contact somehow.

 

When the whole horrible mess happened I stood there thinking...life will never be the same again. I had tiptoed around them and ignored a lot of what went on but I just hit a point where I couldn't anymore. They aren't usually openly toxic but are subtly so, so it has been hard. They were wonderful grandparents up until a year ago when my son made a choice my father didn't like then the whole grudge thing started. It wasn't anything horrible or anything...he didn't start doing drugs or fail school or anything. He just asked my father, who was helping him workout, to workout a little earlier so he could go running with some friends and when my father told him to workout at the normal time or don't come back to workout again, he chose to go running anyway. It was stupid and the grudge my father is holding against him a year later is stupid and that added to the other thing that happened 3 weeks ago makes it so I just can't ignore it for the sake of family peace anymore.

 

My dd just had an amazing accomplishment 3 weeks ago and I am angry at them for still not contacting her to congratulate her because they are mad at me right now.

 

Thank you for helping me see the difference between forgiving and giving in. I was really having a hard time with that.

:grouphug:

 

That is some really strong manipulation you're dealing with.

 

Keep your backbone. :grouphug:

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Well on the one hand I think it's good that you're naturally forgiving and don't tend toward grudge-holding. That's a real blessing and I give you credit for that, because it isn't easy to do. Secondly, protecting your kids isn't the same as holding a grudge. You can do that firmly, politely, and pleasantly, without being unforgiving.

 

I wouldn't be inclined to go to your parents unless invited, and even then, I'd stick to the boundaries you created with respect to not being mean to your kids. I think you should call once a week to have a nice conversation (at least on your end) with your parents -- make the call whether they pick up or not, leave a nice message on the machine if they don't. That way you're still honoring them and doing your part to keep the lines of communication open. But your main duty is to protect your kids appropriately, and you can do that without grudge-holding.

 

Being forgiving does NOT mean allowing unaccpetable behavior towards you or the kids!

 

Good luck!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

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:grouphug:

 

That is some really strong manipulation you're dealing with.

 

Keep your backbone. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: You need to stand firm and they need to know they can't treat you badly anymore. I'm a very soft, forgiving person, but I never let anyone mess me around, especially not my nearest and dearest.

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:grouphug:

 

That is some really strong manipulation you're dealing with.

 

Keep your backbone. :grouphug:

 

I agree. I have no problem excusing people when they make a poor judgment, are thoughtless, inadvertently offend or hurt someone. Cold manipulation and personal attacks are done on purpose, and (in my mind) not forgiven unless there is some sort of acknlowdgement/contrition. And if a person feels entitled to manipulate or attack me (or others) on a continuing basis, they have to be removed from our daily lives.

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I agree. I have no problem excusing people when they make a poor judgment, are thoughtless, inadvertently offend or hurt someone. Cold manipulation and personal attacks are done on purpose, and (in my mind) not forgiven unless there is some sort of acknlowdgement/contrition. And if a person feels entitled to manipulate or attack me (or others) on a continuing basis, they have to be removed from our daily lives.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. I agree with her.

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I guess I don't see you as the one holding a grudge here. They're the ones who have told you you're not welcome at their home. From your description of the interaction between your dad and son, your parents are unreasonable in their expectations of others, and expect everyone else to be flexible and please them.

 

When I hear the phrase "hold a grudge", I think of someone who refuses to forgive, chooses to keep punishing the other person although they have apologized/made restitution, continues to bring up the offense far into the future, etc. How are you holding a grudge?

 

Wendi

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Eh. You are respecting their boundaries. They told you where to go and you went. They should be grateful to have such an obedient daughter. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's not your responsibility to suck up.

 

Rosie

 

Rosie, I do love your responses. Thank you for making me chuckle.

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How are you holding a grudge?

 

It just felt like that to me because I am not giving in. It is so different from my usual response...which is to try to keep everyone happy (except myself, I guess). I am seeing things in a different light after sharing thanks to all your responses. I've been holding it all inside and feeling really bad about everything. You've helped a lot. Thanks so much!

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Forgiveness does NOT = reconciliation.

 

:iagree:

 

You can forgive someone, yet still never allow you to treat you poorly in the future.

 

Here's the thing. Often, when you are dealing with manipulative people, "giving in and making friends again" is not viewed as being kind and forgiving; it's viewed as being weak and gullible, and people think you're a pushover, so they never feel the need to change the way they treat you.

 

Personally, I always find it wisest to avoid contact with toxic people as much as possible, and it doesn't matter whether or not the people are acquaintances, friends, or family.

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