How do you handle a friend that frequently tries to "improve" you?

[Andie]

I have a friend who is very capable and smart. She's good at most everything she does, and has lots of great qualities. However, I find that I'm dreading contact with her because she always has a solution, whether I've asked for help or not, and sometimes to things I don't see as problems. :confused:

 

I admit, I tend to be overly worried about what others think, so I am inclined to take things personally that wouldn't bother others, but this "advice" lately isn't subtle. It's been noticed by others, and I'm aware that she can be this way with other people, too, so I think I'm looking at this as objectively as I possibly can.

 

She's always been pretty forceful about things. When she believes something is the right way, she's not the type to say "In my experience, blah blah blah" because she's certain it's a Truth. Fine. I can deal wth that; I have and haven't had trouble saying that my way works for me or whatever. But our contact lately has truly felt more like "inspection" than communication. Something has changed; to me it feels like she doesn't feel I'm her "equal" anymore. She draws conclusions about what my actions mean, "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." ?! I was BUSY and away from the computer.

 

After an unexpected drop-in, I got emails from her that can't be described as anything other than scoldings. The first was critical and expressed her disappointment, the second was accompanied by a remedy: a to-do list, because "you need X, so do this, this and this" Problem is, I didn't ask for her help with X. I didn't say that I was struggling with X. Actually, I thought X was going pretty well, all things considered. :001_huh: It hurts especially because X is basically just...me. It was just my way of doing things, but it wasn't up to her standards. (I'm not trying to be cryptic, sorry. X was her (limited) observation of how I'm handling something.)

 

Anyway, it's bothering me more and more, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hurt, mostly, because while I'm WELL aware that I'm flawed in oh so many ways, I hate that I apparently seem to be "project" worthy to someone. :sad: I don't want to be tweaked by her till I'm just so. I want a friend; not a mechanic.

 

How would you handle this situation?

[Remudamom]

Tell her. Tell her you want a friend, not a mechanic. If she can't fit the bill tell her to hit the road.

 

Or whenever she calls, you're Xing, (properly, mind you) and can't find the time to do anything but X right now.

She surely doesn't just walk in your door, does she?

 

BTW, how did you manage to have all of your children in July?? No, wait, don't answer that.

[bkpan]

I would write out a very similar email to your post here. It seems to me that just you stepping up and setting limits with her, would create the change needed to respect your autonomy. With the examples you gave, I would probably be fairly upset with this friend. Set your boundaries with her, and if she doesn't respect them, then this is probably not a healthy relationship for you.

 

(You don't need fixing!)

 

Kim

[Joanne]

Well, first I want to gently remind you that there is not likely to be a non confrontation, non awkward, "comfortable" or nice way to assert the needed boundaries in this situation.

 

She's clearly boundary challenged and does not intuit or honor boundaries. That means she's not likely to agree with a reasonable explaination of them, to respond warmly to setting them or to be open to someone who was formerly quiet taking a more active role.

 

She's always been pretty forceful about things. When she believes something is the right way, she's not the type to say "In my experience, blah blah blah" because she's certain it's a Truth. Fine. I can deal wth that; I have and haven't had trouble saying that my way works for me or whatever. But our contact lately has truly felt more like "inspection" than communication. Something has changed; to me it feels like she doesn't feel I'm her "equal" anymore. She draws conclusions about what my actions mean, "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." ?! I was BUSY and away from the computer.

 

I'd tell her, directly, the above with some changes. I'd not make it *debatable* or *discussable* or give her reason to counter your rules.

 

"Friend, I have come to realize the nature of our relationship is not healthy. I can not continue in this pattern. X, Y, Z has to change or we will have a cordial relationship only."

 

You'll need to define X, Y, Z ( no drop in visits, no unsolicited advice, stopping the moment you decide the questions are probing......whatever is needed). You don't need to DEFEND that list. The list IS. She can take it or leave it.

 

Personally, I'd tell her to get help or go away, but I suspect you are more patient and kind.

[Andie]

Tell her. Tell her you want a friend, not a mechanic. If she can't fit the bill tell her to hit the road.

 

Or whenever she calls, you're Xing, (properly, mind you) and can't find the time to do anything but X right now.

She surely doesn't just walk in your door, does she?

 

BTW, how did you manage to have all of your children in July?? No, wait, don't answer that.

 

 

:lol:

 

I didn't have them all in July. I was born in July, and so was dh. Our first three were, too (though we didn't plan it that way) but the last two are October and May babies. (Weirdos!)

 

 

*sigh* I was afraid that's what you people would tell me to do. If she said "Homeschooling is wrong!" I could deal with that, and hold my own well. But to tell a PERSON that something they do, the way they ARE is bothering me or whatever... Gah! I'm in a sweat just thinking about it.

 

Gee, I wonder why she's tryin' to fix me? :001_huh:

[OnTheBrink]

OOOH, I hate being someone's "project." My bf's dh can be like that to me and because I love my bf (that's best friend, not boyfriend), I'll say to her dh, "Hey, Captain Critique, unless you'd like my unsolicited advice on things in YOUR life, keep the comments to yourself, dawg. Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?" I say this lightly and jokingly, but he knows that I mean it and for the most part, he realizes he's overstepped and backs off. (and, I don't normally speak like that to people, using common gansta vernacular, so he knows I mean it, but I'm not angry about it...yet).

 

My suggestion is to just tell your friend how you feel. I think you're going to have to be more serious with her than I am with my bf's dh. Ask her to just listen to you and not say a word until you're finished. You don't want or need rebuttals or "buts"; you need her to listen and hear you. Tell her you want her as a friend, but friends accept each other, warts and all. If she can't just let you be you, let you as a grown woman handle your life your way, she needs to not be in your life. She's causing stress and needs to back it off a bit or you may want to consider some distance for a while.

 

Several years ago, we had a missionary couple come home from the field for a myriad of reasons (adultery, porn, lying, etc). The wife was the biggest offender in all these incidents and interestingly enough, when she and her family came back the the US, she globbed onto a friend of mine and did the same things to her your friend is doing to you. My point in telling you this is that I'm betting your friend has some issues in her life that are out of control and her way of coping is to try to control YOU and improve YOUR life, since she may not feel as if she can improve or control hers. I could be way wrong, but the situations sound similar.

 

Either way, its time to set limits with love with her, for both your sakes.:grouphug:

[3lilreds in NC]

I have a friend who is very capable and smart. She's good at most everything she does, and has lots of great qualities. However, I find that I'm dreading contact with her because she always has a solution, whether I've asked for help or not, and sometimes to things I don't see as problems. :confused:

 

I admit, I tend to be overly worried about what others think, so I am inclined to take things personally that wouldn't bother others, but this "advice" lately isn't subtle. It's been noticed by others, and I'm aware that she can be this way with other people, too, so I think I'm looking at this as objectively as I possibly can.

 

She's always been pretty forceful about things. When she believes something is the right way, she's not the type to say "In my experience, blah blah blah" because she's certain it's a Truth. Fine. I can deal wth that; I have and haven't had trouble saying that my way works for me or whatever. But our contact lately has truly felt more like "inspection" than communication. Something has changed; to me it feels like she doesn't feel I'm her "equal" anymore. She draws conclusions about what my actions mean, "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." ?! I was BUSY and away from the computer.

 

After an unexpected drop-in, I got emails from her that can't be described as anything other than scoldings. The first was critical and expressed her disappointment, the second was accompanied by a remedy: a to-do list, because "you need X, so do this, this and this" Problem is, I didn't ask for her help with X. I didn't say that I was struggling with X. Actually, I thought X was going pretty well, all things considered. :001_huh: It hurts especially because X is basically just...me. It was just my way of doing things, but it wasn't up to her standards. (I'm not trying to be cryptic, sorry. X was her (limited) observation of how I'm handling something.)

 

Anyway, it's bothering me more and more, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hurt, mostly, because while I'm WELL aware that I'm flawed in oh so many ways, I hate that I apparently seem to be "project" worthy to someone. :sad: I don't want to be tweaked by her till I'm just so. I want a friend; not a mechanic.

 

How would you handle this situation?

 

I agree with Kim - tell her pretty much what you've told us. If the relationship is important to you, tell her what you appreciate about her.

 

Then, tell her that you've been hurt by her approach regarding X, and really don't want or need help with X. It's your way of doing things, and you don't have a problem with it, so neither should she. Maybe you could mention that you were busy, and didn't have time to answer her email and were not avoiding her, but you're tempted to now, because the way she's treating you makes you uncomfortable. If she thinks you need to change, you'll have to agree to disagree, and the topic isn't open for discussion unless you specifically ask for her help.

 

I hope FlockOfSillies comes on and answers, because she is the BEST at knowing how to set boundaries like this!

 

I agree with Joanne, too, that it's not likely to be an easy or comfortable chat with this friend. It's going to be a confrontation, and she's probably not going to like what you have to say. Just prepare yourself for that.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry! I hate it when I have to set boundaries like this. It doesn't sound like she's going to make it easy.

[elegantlion]

I have a friend who is very capable and smart. She's good at most everything she does, and has lots of great qualities. However, I find that I'm dreading contact with her because she always has a solution, whether I've asked for help or not, and sometimes to things I don't see as problems. :confused:

 

I admit, I tend to be overly worried about what others think, so I am inclined to take things personally that wouldn't bother others, but this "advice" lately isn't subtle. It's been noticed by others, and I'm aware that she can be this way with other people, too, so I think I'm looking at this as objectively as I possibly can.

 

She's always been pretty forceful about things. When she believes something is the right way, she's not the type to say "In my experience, blah blah blah" because she's certain it's a Truth. Fine. I can deal wth that; I have and haven't had trouble saying that my way works for me or whatever. But our contact lately has truly felt more like "inspection" than communication. Something has changed; to me it feels like she doesn't feel I'm her "equal" anymore. She draws conclusions about what my actions mean, "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." ?! I was BUSY and away from the computer.

 

After an unexpected drop-in, I got emails from her that can't be described as anything other than scoldings. The first was critical and expressed her disappointment, the second was accompanied by a remedy: a to-do list, because "you need X, so do this, this and this" Problem is, I didn't ask for her help with X. I didn't say that I was struggling with X. Actually, I thought X was going pretty well, all things considered. :001_huh: It hurts especially because X is basically just...me. It was just my way of doing things, but it wasn't up to her standards. (I'm not trying to be cryptic, sorry. X was her (limited) observation of how I'm handling something.)

 

Anyway, it's bothering me more and more, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hurt, mostly, because while I'm WELL aware that I'm flawed in oh so many ways, I hate that I apparently seem to be "project" worthy to someone. :sad: I don't want to be tweaked by her till I'm just so. I want a friend; not a mechanic.

 

How would you handle this situation?

 

 

Have you read any books on personalities? It sounds like she is exhibiting choleric personality tendencies. Not bad, but can come across overbearing.

 

I take some things personally and I also tend to be sarcastic. "I" would probably act really loopy around her a few times, just to see if she comments on it and then turn her "mentoring" into a joke to talk about it from a light hearted matter. But that's just me. YMMV.

[starlashine]

My friend and I have gone back and forth with her doing this. It helped me to take a break from her for awhile, and to write her instead of talk to her about it - she's one to like to talk over people as well. A break may be helpful, or putting what you want to say to her in writing first.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I had a friend like this - she knew the TRUTH and her life was perfect because of it. But it actually wasn't. It took one of her son's "divorcing" her for God to get through that she was actually quite arrogant. I talked to her this morning (we've stayed friends through it all). She was thinking aloud about how arrogant she had been and how freeing it is now that she doesn't listen to people's conversations wondering how she can set them straight! I can tell you it is much nicer to be her friend now too!

[Mama Lynx]

:lol:

 

I didn't have them all in July. I was born in July, and so was dh. Our first three were, too (though we didn't plan it that way) but the last two are October and May babies. (Weirdos!)

 

 

*sigh* I was afraid that's what you people would tell me to do. If she said "Homeschooling is wrong!" I could deal with that, and hold my own well. But to tell a PERSON that something they do, the way they ARE is bothering me or whatever... Gah! I'm in a sweat just thinking about it.

 

Gee, I wonder why she's tryin' to fix me? :001_huh:

 

I'm not popping in to help, because sometimes I *am* that friend :D And by the way, my good friends, I hope, know to just tell me to shut up when I get that way. I've really been getting better about it, honest. Except with DH, and, well, you know ...

 

I just wanted to say that DH and I were born in January, and so were our first two kiddos. The last one made it to February. Then there's the weirdo September kid. I would so much rather the birthday onslaught happen in July, rather than in January when we're all broke!

[Tammy]

People like that really don't change!

 

Tammy

[PineFarmMom]

People like that really don't change!

 

Tammy

 

Unless God directly intervenes, I'd agree with Tammy. I basically ended a friendship over a year ago for similar problems. I have talked to this person since, and I can tell from the conversation that there was no lesson learned on her end...she still sees herself as physician to the world. She just thinks I couldn't handle the truth (as she saw it, that is). She is under the impression I am not able to face my problems still. Truth is, I was very willing to face my problems. I faced her, and she was a pretty big problem. lol

 

I agree much with what Joanne had to say...the friendship may be salvaged, but it will require you setting boundaries and keeping them because she's not going to stop butting in unless you do.

 

T

[3lilreds in NC]

I was wondering, too, if she's acting a little more aggressively than normal? Is there something going on in her life that makes her feel out of control, so she's trying to control you?

 

It might not be the case at all. Usually, though, this kind of thing is less about *you* and more about the other person's issues.

[Laura K (NC)]

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your clothes.

 

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your parenting.

 

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your menu choices.

 

Say it sweetly, ad nauseam, and I don't see how she could help seeing how she's being overly critical.

 

In my life, everyone I meet is perfect until I get to know them better. Their default is perfection unless they come off as really obnoxious, in which case it usually goes the opposite way, and the obnoxious ones turn out to be not so bad. So when a friend who is originally "perfect" to me turns out to have flaws, it's a real buzzkill. :) The choice then is to deal with the imperfections and relish the friendship, or to throw out the friend because the imperfections are too much of a burden. As I get older and older, the more I find out that people have lots of imperfections and I just have to deal with them. So on your end, your friend's nagging is her imperfection, and you have come to us. On her end she perceives your imperfections as a certain way, and she has gone directly to you and avoided talking about them (hopefully) with others.

 

If she's a friend, and you really do love her, and she really does love you, you should both look past the imperfections to the greater friendship.

[6packofun]

I agree with sending a very detailed, specific and firm, but kind email. :) It's only going to continue and you either allow it or you don't. But I understand your fear of confrontation. Eeek! Not a fan of that! lol

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Is she by any chance the oldest of her siblings and she has no one to boss around anymore so you, her friend, are her project she directs her attention to, to mother, direct, fix. Since she is your friend, and you want to remain her friend, why not tactfully tell her how this makes you feel. You like her, but she is your friend, not the director of your life.

[Andie]

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your clothes.

 

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your parenting.

 

Ask, "Don't you love me the way I am?" when she criticizes your menu choices.

 

Say it sweetly, ad nauseam, and I don't see how she could help seeing how she's being overly critical.

 

In my life, everyone I meet is perfect until I get to know them better. Their default is perfection unless they come off as really obnoxious, in which case it usually goes the opposite way, and the obnoxious ones turn out to be not so bad. So when a friend who is originally "perfect" to me turns out to have flaws, it's a real buzzkill. :) The choice then is to deal with the imperfections and relish the friendship, or to throw out the friend because the imperfections are too much of a burden. As I get older and older, the more I find out that people have lots of imperfections and I just have to deal with them. So on your end, your friend's nagging is her imperfection, and you have come to us. On her end she perceives your imperfections as a certain way, and she has gone directly to you and avoided talking about them (hopefully) with others.

 

If she's a friend, and you really do love her, and she really does love you, you should both look past the imperfections to the greater friendship.

 

 

Oh, I certainly don't expect perfection from anyone. I'm accepting of people and their quirks and faults, sometimes to a fault. I feel that I have been dealing with the nagging, by either ignoring it, laughing it off, or, when I've felt it necessary, saying, no, not going to do it/this is what I think, whatever, and without being more than maybe momentarily annoyed or upset, well. Because I DON'T require perfection in friends. The fact is, though, there's been a shift, and the nagging has become nearly ALL she does. It's harder and harder to focus on the positive when there's little there.

 

I'm not sure I think that my coming here is comparable to her constantly correcting me, but I can see how it could be seen as wrong or gossipy. I know, though, my intention. I'm looking for advice, mainly because I know that I have difficulty in reacting to situations like this, not because I want to Make Her Different. I'd never, for example, come here and post about the same things she criticizes me for. (Which are rarely things that affect her.)

 

I like your suggestion to ask her each and every time. That's a step I can take right away to start addressing the situation while I prepare for a bigger talk. Thank you!

[Mrs Mungo]

Is she by any chance the oldest of her siblings . . .

 

I have to admit, I'm an oldest child and I've mentioned on the boards before that I am very bossy. Even in real life this is true. However, I do try to couch it in "this is what I would do" or "in my experience." BUT I have had a few friends and/or have been in a few situations where I did not do that. For example, I had a friend whose husband was the disciplinarian in the home. She didn't have control of her kids at all. When he deployed for a year her house was *chaos*. She called me every night crying because the kids (a 6 year old and 3 year old twins) "wouldn't" take a bath or "wouldn't" go to bed. What I said to her could have been considered a directive or a to-do list...I can see how it would seem that way. And she didn't directly ask for advice but if you're going to call crying all the time, I'm going to give you some.

 

I'm not saying any of this is the case with the OPer *at all*. Just relaying a specific experience where I was sort of on the other side of this issue.

[Nicole M]

I agree with sixpac: "She sounds very insecure and immature. :("

 

I wonder, how old is this woman? I have a friend who for years was just like this, and as she has gotten older, she's mellowed. (In fact, now she is constantly seeking advice from me!)

 

In my case I was always defensive and taken aback by my friends rude behavior. Finally I took some baby steps by simply articulating my feelings and asking for clarification. "Gosh, P. That hurts my feelings. Are you saying you don't... [whatever]"

 

I also agree with the others that it is vital for you to set firm boundaries. That stinks, and it's totally hard. I sure feel for you.

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

You can't deal with her until you deal with yourself. Part of the problem is that you aren't absolutely certain who has the problem. Of course you're flawed; all of us are. However, she's using your insecurity about that to feed her own sense of security by criticizing you, thus putting herself in a position above you.

 

I think I'd give this one shot, if there are things you value about this friendship, and if she doesn't come around, forgive her, but move on. I think you will have to be very blunt with her (ie She doesn't sound like the kind to take a hint): "Our relationship has been getting more and more unhealthy. You have been criticizing me, thinking that you can read my mind (eg not getting back to her on the computer= avoiding her) and just generally trying to control me and one-up me. That's not healthy for either of us. If you are willing to change, I'm willing to remain in the friendship and try to work it out. If you think you're right in all this, it's not going to work out and we'd both be better off parting ways."

[WTMCassandra]

Joanne, I thought this was a GREAT answer. I would rep you but I have to spread it around . . . sigh.

[Retired]

I don't know the whole situation you have experienced.

But I had a friend that every time we spoke she was talking about how messy the house is, how this and that was done. I am hearing her say these thing and thinking OK she wants help. I give my opinion. I even went over and helped her clean the house. She said she wanted to loose weight. She ask me to help. I gave her advise and tried to help.

 

It been over a year. I can see what went wrong.

She had low self esteem issues. I am one of these self assured people. We came from different areas of the country. I would say things which were culture phrases she would take literally. I would say stuff like your being "lazy as a dog today." which basically means being a couch potato. I said this to her one day when I visited.

 

The friendship lasted about year before the day she yelled and accused me of calling her a dog(the phase from above), that I thought she was fat, that I thought she was a bad house keeper, etc. etc.

 

Anyway the whole point of this, was we didn't communicate. There was a major breakdown. She filter everything I said through a poor self image. I really thought I was being encouraging and helpful. She thought I was being criticizing. I was really hurt when the friendship ended. I didn't have any clue she was feeling this way.

 

I guess she just wanted me to listen. This is the only time this has happed to me. So I have analysis the situation to death.

 

LACK OF COMMUNICATION i

 

We failed to really communicate. I would tell this person how you feel she may not realize what she is doing. She does seem controlling, which could be self esteem issues. She wants all your attention.

[johnandtinagilbert]

hmmm...my experience in a similar (maybe) situation

I had a friend who would talk to me about the areas in her life that she needed help, better put, areas where she thought things were not what they were supposed to be. She would say, I just can't or If I could or I don't know how you do it, or what would you do. I'd tell her. She would never make changes. Frustrating for me b/c she asked, I gave her the answer, yet the problem didn't change.

 

I would encourage her by saying, for example, "Hey did you shine your sink today?" (we were Fly Lady flying together). I'd ask her, "Is your bed made?" She'd say no. I'd say, "It's so easy if you make it as soon as you get up in the morning." I thought I was being an encouraging friend. She thought I was being a judgmental nag.

 

I wasn't judging her, I was trying to encourage. When I know something works well for me, it becomes Truth to me and if I have a friend who is struggling in that area (where I have found Truth) I want to share that Truth so they can find happiness. Sometimes, I push the Truth, instead of letting it come in naturally. I can be overbearing. I have to work on it, and that goes beyond couching with, "ImO" or "I have found" Those are efforts to express gentleness, but not all I need to do. I need to just hush sometimes.

 

I have no idea if this is the kind of person your friend is, but if she is, like me that is, if you spoke to her, she might be heart broken that she was causing her friend (you) any pain or discomfort. If she's accusing you of ignoring her, she's probably feeling insecure (that's how I would react-defensive)

Someone else encouraged communication...:iagree: it makes all the difference in the world for me to hear blunt, loving communication, maybe it can help your friend and you.

[Natalieclare]

I think the first thing to do is decide if she's a friend worth keeping. Is she worth it? Is she worth the uncomfortable conversation that is required before you can move forward without feeling exasperated every time you talk?

 

If she is, then I would ask her if she realized that she was making me uncomfortable, making me feel like I was a project. I think I would spell things out for her in an initial conversation and then use the previous poster's idea of the question, "Don't you love me the way I am?" or some such variation to help her get the hang of it on a daily basis.

 

So my prescription reads: ;)

 

One large bolus of uncomfortable confronting conversation

 

daily doses of gracious, confident, friendly deflecting questions

 

If she's not worth it, well I don't know how to help you. I've pretty much found everybody to be worth it!

[WTMindy]

I have a friend who is very capable and smart. She's good at most everything she does, and has lots of great qualities. However, I find that I'm dreading contact with her because she always has a solution, whether I've asked for help or not, and sometimes to things I don't see as problems. :confused:

 

I admit, I tend to be overly worried about what others think, so I am inclined to take things personally that wouldn't bother others, but this "advice" lately isn't subtle. It's been noticed by others, and I'm aware that she can be this way with other people, too, so I think I'm looking at this as objectively as I possibly can.

 

She's always been pretty forceful about things. When she believes something is the right way, she's not the type to say "In my experience, blah blah blah" because she's certain it's a Truth. Fine. I can deal wth that; I have and haven't had trouble saying that my way works for me or whatever. But our contact lately has truly felt more like "inspection" than communication. Something has changed; to me it feels like she doesn't feel I'm her "equal" anymore. She draws conclusions about what my actions mean, "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." ?! I was BUSY and away from the computer.

 

After an unexpected drop-in, I got emails from her that can't be described as anything other than scoldings. The first was critical and expressed her disappointment, the second was accompanied by a remedy: a to-do list, because "you need X, so do this, this and this" Problem is, I didn't ask for her help with X. I didn't say that I was struggling with X. Actually, I thought X was going pretty well, all things considered. :001_huh: It hurts especially because X is basically just...me. It was just my way of doing things, but it wasn't up to her standards. (I'm not trying to be cryptic, sorry. X was her (limited) observation of how I'm handling something.)

 

Anyway, it's bothering me more and more, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hurt, mostly, because while I'm WELL aware that I'm flawed in oh so many ways, I hate that I apparently seem to be "project" worthy to someone. :sad: I don't want to be tweaked by her till I'm just so. I want a friend; not a mechanic.

 

How would you handle this situation?

 

My only suggestion is move here and be my friend instead! :001_smile: (Wait, you just got season tickets, so maybe I should move there!!)

[FlockOfSillies]

I hope FlockOfSillies comes on and answers, because she is the BEST at knowing how to set boundaries like this!

 

Andie, you said, "I admit, I tend to be overly worried about what others think" -- I'm the same way. I get all Golden Retriever puppyish when it comes to pleasing people sometimes. Not that anyone here on the boards can tell! :tongue_smilie:

 

My general approach to everything usually involves my goofball sense of humor. So it's possible to say something very forceful to someone, but still have the punch land gently. It's all about "tone". When a lighthearted tone doesn't get the message across, then direct and stern are necessary. It partially depends on your relationship with her -- is she more of an acquaintance, or an annoying-but-close friend?

 

If you notice that something has changed, you can always ask, "Hey, what is it with you lately?" (Or some version of that, anyway.) In one respect, it doesn't matter WHY she's started acting this way all the time. She just needs to stop doing it. Hopefully she'll see the light and feel really awful that she's been such a boor and she'll try to replace the bad habit with a good one. But that could take a while. In the meantime, you can work on having a small arsenal of handy comebacks at the ready.

 

Since it's 3:30 in the morning, I can give you my snarky sleepless answers. Tweak them as necessary for politeness and stuff...

 

"Yes, Mommy." (said as eye-rollingly sarcastically as possible)

"Hmm. Funny. You don't LOOK like my mom. Or my boss, for that matter."

"Are you my friend, or my mechanic?" (See? You came up with this one all by yourself, and it's a good one.)

"Do you realize how arrogant you sound right now?"

"So what?"

"But I like it that way."

"That's quite an order you've put in. Would you like fries with that?" (This one might not make sense to me after a few hours' sleep.)

"Then (insert friend's name here) said, Let me make Andie in my image, in my likeness, and behold, it was very good."

"Uh, sweetie, you're nagging again." (This one's good for reminders once you've had THE TALK.)

"Hey, back off, already!"

 

This part reminded me of my sis when I was younger: "You didn't answer my email. So, since you're avoiding me, I'll have to..." My sister used to be a master manipulator, until I learned to turn things around on her and put her on the defensive. Rhetorically, of course.

 

If she says you're avoiding her, maybe she has at least an inkling that her proclamations are not being received favorably. For this one you might want to try, "So I didn't answer your e-mail. Whaddaya gonna do, fire me? Dock my pay? Sheesh, every day is a performance review with you." (Like I said, it's going on 4 a.m. here. I get snarky.) My point is, she's being absurd in order to manipulate you. You can use the snarky/absurd way, or you can just come right out and say, "You're being absurd/manipulative."

 

Try to get over your hurt, because it sounds like you're focusing on your own inadequacies. Hmmm, wonder why? Could it be because she's constantly throwing all this stuff in your face? When you're focused on the potential merit of what she's saying, you're basically agreeing with her about yourself, which means you're losing sight of the fact that she's not being a very good friend right now.

 

And if you're a Christian, you should pray for her, for your own attitude, and for real biblical wisdom in how to respond when the need arises.

 

HTH.

[ClassicMom]

she tried to change me inside and out as soon as I joined the church. From the way I dressed (to moderately I guess) :w00t: all the way to my marriage. No matter what I said to her, she just didn't get it.

 

And it hurt, so I know you are hurting. :grouphug:

 

The final straw for me came the day when I was in bed with a blinding migraine. She actually walked into my house and came into my bedroom where I had the door closed because of, well, you know... illness issues.

She had brought me a gift she said. She told me that I needed to discipline my youngest more efficiently because he was not obedient enough and that I was not doing my biblical duty as a God-honoring mother. Mind you, I could only see out of one eye and could barely think. She had brought me a switch and told me to start using it pronto.

Gah! :eek: For those of you that don't know, my youngest has Autism and we work on his behavior as much as we can, but the last thing that this poor child needed at the time was a switch. And the last thing I needed that day was a lecture. I sent her out of my room and out of my life.

 

I spoke to our pastor a couple days later and apparently, many in the church had problems with her and her "lack of boundaries". And she has the most problems of all. So I agree with the ladies that have said that she probably has things in her life that are out of whack and she is probably trying to "fix" you so that she doesn't have to fix herself. My friend just globs on to on person and then another because she just can't face her own life.

 

I hope that you are able to set some boundaries in your life with your friend.:001_smile:

[summer]

I had a friend like this and I had to dump her. Basically, I just stopped calling her or taking her calls. I think I told her that I like myself just the way I am and do not need her to fix me. I know how you feel. It is very frustrating and rude and hard to deal with.